Late onset (yet always there)

[Kangan (imported)]

Bryan - hang in there - don't do anything rash or foolish.

If maleness doesn't suit you, then you should change. The family issues are a bit more difficult to deal with, however. Good luck.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short post to let you know I'm doing pretty well. The future (i.e., transition) scares me, but at least I'll be trying to contribute to this thing called life -- instead of hiding from people and relationships.

Who would have thought it would be so hard to live as the wrong gender?!

Regarding the renewed decision to transition: Salient quotes from October 8th and 9th, 2006 when I was putting transition aside:

How is GID angst these days? Still shooting for androgyny. And I ask myself, "Why is presentation so freakin' important?!" But I couldn't stand to cut my hair short now. And it's so nice not seeing beard shadow. When I consider toning down the external changes to average male appearance, I can sense myself wanting to isolate -- or die. (The latter is my all-purpose solution for impossible prob

lems, if you haven't noticed already.

)

...

For the moment, it appears I'm headed for the loner path: just get a job, live alone, go to a conventional church and don't get too close to anyone. Stay closeted. At least I have family and Erica nearby. When I've contemplated this path before, depression doesn't wait very long before clobbering me.

...

If depression clobbers me again, then I'll have to conclude the time/pain/effort

to feminize the body is a necessary medical expense.

Part of me hates transition -- all the effort spent on an otherwise perfectly-good body and how it messes up marriages. But you who aren't transgendered can't fathom what a prison the wrong body can be. For the content males out there, imagine how life would be if: people called you "MA'AM" so that it rang unpleasantly in your ears; you were cut off from men and your social opportunities consisted of being with women to chat, shop, or watch tearjerkers; peer-pressure discouraged you from watching sports or participating in them (and nobody was interested in talking about them anyway).

Erica: I'm looking forward to tomorrow! (We're going to play dress up.)

Where is my faith in all this? I would feel better accounting for this present path to God than the sour-relationship/death-envying/embittered-hermit path I was on. The latter would be an embarrassment and, I believe, reckoned a failure in the end. Not only that, since I'm fully expecting to be female in Heaven, there should be no wrong in starting now what I expect God to finish in Heaven [since my marriage is doomed anyway and I'm ruling out remarrying.]

That's all for now. Closing with a smile for once,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! EricaAnn and Louise (EricaAnn's spouse) were so helpful and supportive. After giving my meager wardrobe a thumbs down ("that looks like something your mother would wear to a wedding"), they provided me with clothes for the evening. Louise applied the cosmetics and fixed my hair. We went to a local TG-friendly bar. I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time.

So relaxed, in fact, we stopped at a gas station along the way so I could go in to purchase a bottle of soda pop.

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!"

Haven't always felt that way about Mr. Penis. Why did my feelings change? Once my personal epiphany arrived, i.e., the realization that I am female inside but cursed with a male body, Mr. Penis became a lightning rod for dissatisfaction. It represents exclusion and lost opportunity: exclusion from the social group I belong to personality-wise, and lost opportunity regarding motherhood.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Congrats and glad you had fun!

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

We both had a wonderful time with you Saturday night and I'm so glad we could be of assistance in helping you take the first big step into transition and being yourself. It's truly a great feeling isn't it?

I'm also happy to see that you had fun and enjoyed yourself. By the way, you looked marvelous girl and I love the new avatar!

Hope we can do it again real soon.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! EricaAnn and Louise (EricaAnn's spouse) were so helpful and supportive. After giving my meager wardrobe a thumbs down ("that looks like something your mother would wear to a wedding"), they provided me with clothes for the evening. Louise applied the cosmetics and fixed my hair. We went to a local TG-friendly bar. I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time.

So relaxed, in fact, we stopped at a gas station along the way so I could go in to purchase a bottle of soda pop.

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!"

Haven't always felt that way about Mr. Penis. Why did my feelings change? Once my personal epiphany arrived, i.e., the realization that I am female inside but cursed with a male body, Mr. Penis became a lightning rod for dissatisfaction. It represents exclusion and lost opportunity: exclusion from the social group I belong to personality-wise, and lost opportunity regarding motherhood.

Terri

I have read a lot concerning hormones and such and found the TG sites full of interesting information. For what its worth from a "constant male" I think you have many of the classic "hits" for transgendered. I think its unfortunate your family has given you such a load of crap but I think its probably very difficult for them to accept that which they do not understand. I think it would be difficult to impossible for them to walk a mile in your shoes. Or in this case Nylons!

As I tried to tell TransgirlNY23 *Whatever happened to her? The "curse" of your body is fixable. Keep that in mind and PLEASE no more self destructive thoughts. This is your life to live. Not someone elses life to destroy! And that includes ex wives and nutty family members who act out of ignornance.

Forgive them for they know not what they do! Right?

Please see the Doctor(s) that are helping Erica. Getting you on a good dose of HRT (Not a minimum but a healthy one) will I believe help your physical and mental state SO much!

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! ..... I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time. ......

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!" ......

Terri

Hi Terri,

I am glad to hear that things are finally working out for you. At least you have the opportunity to be the girl that you were meant to be. Keep moving forward. I envy you in that respect. I will never have that opportunity.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a good mood! Went for a laser hair-reduction consultation this evening. Pain from the test area was easily tolerable -- a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. First session is scheduled 10 days from now. Total cost will be $1300 for beard (face and neck), for as many sessions as it takes. I CAN'T WAIT to get rid of beard shadow.

Also bought $45 of cosmetics. Tried on some feminine eyeglass frames, too. Just goes to demonstrate how dramatically my priorities have shifted of late. Only two weeks ago, I decided against the purchase of a dirt-cheap, everything-included $30 radio-controlled airplane. R/C planes used to interest me, and it was going to serve as distraction from GID. But $30 seemed too much.

But there's something else at work here: toy airplanes don't hold a gun to your head. While considering cosmetics or feminine eyeglasses, the running dialogue in my mind goes something like:

Me: "Should I really spend $7 on foundation? And $5 on lipstick?"

Alter Ego: "You want to make this transition thing work, right?"

M: "Yeah."

AE: "And you don't have any options, right? I mean, suicide's not an option."

M: "Yeah."

AE: "Oh, I suppose one option would be a BAD transition, right?"

Me: "Yeah."

AE: "So consider them cheap lessons in the use of make-up!"

Me: "Okay."

Deciding in favor of transition is certainly not a panacea. Had a hard time emotionally a couple of days ago. I wonder over and over: Why is it so hard to live as a man? Why is gender such a BIG DEAL? Hurdles like voice and large expenses can discourage. But the path toward transition contains some hope, whereas the former path was leading to a zero life.

Started reading David Reimer's biography, As Nature Made Him, beginning with the update at the end about his suicide in 2004. What an absolute tragedy -- all he had to suffer. Particularly sad was the contrast between that ending and what reviewers had written for the book's original release in 2000:

"...a testament to the inner strength and courage of the child who never lost touch with who he really was."

"David's courageous and unlikely victory..."

Just goes to show you how deep gender runs, and that "YES! Gender is that important." Bought the book to see what happens when a person of one gender is raised as the other: how and when does the person figure out something is wrong?

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Hi Terri, I think thats Great!! I wanted to let you know you really look beautiful. Remember when Christina and I met you for lunch? Didn't I tell you that you were gonna be just fine in that department? I see I was right. Well continue on with your happiness Terri, We all deserve to be happy in our lives.

Take Care, Lilac

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Teri,

I couldn't be more happy for you. You have made tremendous progress and strides in just the last week.

I am a bit envious though. I wish that my beard wasn't so platinum in color so that I too could go the laser route for hair removal.

Keep going girl. It only gets better!

[kristoff]

I am a bit envious though. I wish that my beard wasn't so platinum in color so that I too could go the laser route for hair removal.

Or as I prefer, SILVER BLONDE, dammit. I think it makes me look extinguished. They're earned - cherish them (even while trying to get rid of them...)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short update to let you know how I'm doing. Continuing to dress: Went out again with Erica and Louise on Saturday night. This makes two weekends in a row. Also went out for a walk this evening dressed. Pinned my hair for a feminine touch. You can see the results in my new avatar. Please excuse the graininess.

I go for my first laser session tomorrow. I AM THRILLED!

One other thing: Picture me exiting an ordinary retail store doing cartwheels, a wobbly-knee touchdown dance, and saying over-and-over "Yabba-dabba-do!" Didn't physically do those things but sure felt like it. (Also not sure if they are gender appropriate in my case.) Why the excitement? Found some great silicone breast enhancers for only TEN DOLLARS! I had contemplated fashioning my own and was expecting a lot of effort for poor results.

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Terri you had me laughing about the cartwheels and the flintstone saying. Im happy for you.

hugss, Rita

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

CAPTURE THE MOMENT (or TRUTH ABOUT TRANSITION)

Got my face lasered 4 hours ago. Pain wasn't an issue; it was easily bearable most of the time. Sure is odd feeling/hearing one's own hairs sizzle and pop. What concerned me was being able to see the flashes of light as the technician did the upper cheeks. Although opaque goggles are worn and eyes are closed, the light still comes thru through the skin to the retina. I behaved somewhat like a ninny, and the technician had to reassure me of the inherent safety.

Afterward, I went to look at a used car being sold by a private party. Not too comfortable with the way I purchased it. Did a cursory check of the car, took a cursory test drive. It's a body style I like (Ford Escort wagon), color I like (teal/cyan), and Escorts are known for fair-to-good reliability. The car is 10 years old and priced accordingly ($1900). Another party was interested, so I bought the car on the spot. Didn't even smell the exhaust.

At home, just started crying. Stressful day? Traumatized by laser? Combination of things: (1) Felt the lack of a husband or male relative to handle the car purchase for me. (Does that sound weird or WHAT?!) (2) While applying an ice pack to my face, felt the depth of what transition is about: putting oneself thru risky procedures because there's no other option. Do I like the thought of intense light sizzling my hair follicles? What is it doing to other tissue? Who knows what the long-term risks are?

* * *

On the bright side: Voice has been one of my biggest concerns. It occurred to me, however, I've already been instinctively tightening my voice some in everyday situations. I don't use my completely-relaxed male voice; guess it's too male for me. By tightening it further, I can achieve and maintain an androgynous voice fairly easily. That alone gives me hope. (However, the perception is in the ear of the beholder, and I can't speak for them.) My previous "female voice" has been too much like Mickey Mouse, which doesn't go well with a 5-foot 9-inch frame.

Terri

P.S. to Lilac/Rita: Nice hearing from you as always. I remember our dinner gathering with Christina last July with fondness.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

As we talked about on the telephone tonight, anything new, like the laser treatment can be frightening. It was your first session so don't feel like you were a ninny. You'll get used to it and now know what to expect the next time.

As far as the auto purchase, take it to a mechanic as we discussed to get an accurate evaluation of the vehicle and go from there. If there needs to be too much money invested in it to get it back in shape...don't brother with it. Just turn around and resell the poor thing. Like I said, just consider it tuition in the school of hard knocks.

If you do sell it, maybe consider buy something a little bit newer next time.

Keep you spirits up and don't let the little things bother you. You have come too far and have too much to look forward to as well as other things to think about.

Looking forward to seeing you again on Saturday night.

Hugs,

[Kangan (imported)]

Bryan, I think you are doing just fine. Everyone has good days and bad days. Here's a hug for you!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

CAPTURE THE MOMENT, PART II

Left work early. Been crying. I'm on my seventh snotty Kleenex now. Found out the car purchased yesterday is a junker requiring $3000 of work. Worst part is the brakes are on their last legs. So even if I just wanted to drive it till it breaks, I can't for reasons of conscience and safety. But although it hurts to lose $1900, I'm crying over something bigger:

For those of us whose mental condition and/or emotional stability have been questioned by others, we sometimes see glimpses of ourselves which frighten us. This is one such time. I AM SO NAIVE. I SHOWED SUCH POOR JUDGEMENT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SHEEP. Didn't even want a car that much, but my parents have been nagging me about the appearance of my pick-up truck. Was this a manic episode? Was the psychiatrist in Philadelphia correct -- do I have tendencies toward mania?

The logic continues: If I showed such poor judgement in the car purchase, where else in my life am I showing poor judgement? THAT'S a scary question. Makes me want to "shut down" and refuse to take any actions or make any decisions for awhile. Then the biggie: Is the decision to transition demonstrating poor judgement? BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Feel like I need a guardian. Makes me wonder how much stability and leadership my wife contributed to my life. Come to think of it, something unusual was how I behaved in the early years of marriage on the rare occasions when my wife was gone for a week or so. Didn't know what to do with myself at those times and my actions demonstrated some instability.

Like I said: the glimpses we get of ourselves can sometimes be frightening.

Feeling a bit better now. Grateful for a place to unload.

Terri

P.S. to Kangan: Thanks for the hug.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hi, Terri. Reminds me of a car I once bought. I paid cash for it. I drove it home from the car dealer and it never ran again. --FLO--

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

CAPTURE THE MOMENT, PART II

Left work early. Been crying. I'm on my seventh snotty Kleenex now. Found out the car purchased yesterday is a junker requiring $3000 of work. Worst part is the brakes are on their last legs. So even if I just wanted to drive it till it breaks, I can't for reasons of conscience and safety. But although it hurts to lose $1900, I'm crying over something bigger:

For those of us whose mental condition and/or emotional stability have been questioned by others, we sometimes see glimpses of ourselves which frighten us. This is one such time. I AM SO NAIVE. I SHOWED SUCH POOR JUDGEMENT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SHEEP. Didn't even want a car that much, but my parents have been nagging me about the appearance of my pick-up truck. Was this a manic episode? Was the psychiatrist in Philadelphia correct -- do I have tendencies toward mania?

The logic continues: If I showed such poor judgement in the car purchase, where else in my life am I showing poor judgement? THAT'S a scary question. Makes me want to "shut down" and refuse to take any actions or make any decisions for awhile. Then the biggie: Is the decision to transition demonstrating poor judgement? BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Feel like I need a guardian. Makes me wonder how much stability and leadership my wife contributed to my life. Come to think of it, something unusual was how I behaved in the early years of marriage on the rare occasions when my wife was gone for a week or so. Didn't know what to do with myself at those times and my actions demonstrated some instability.

Like I said: the glimpses we get of ourselves can sometimes be frightening.

Feeling a bit better now. Grateful for a place to unload.

Terri

P.S. to Kangan: Thanks for the hug.

Hey mistakes happen. Get on Google and see if your state has a Lemon law?

If not I can tell you from first hand experience that changing brakes is an easy job. Hang in there and don't be down on yourself. Little bumps in life are bound to happen.

[bryan (imported)]

UPDATE on the junker: The seller deliberately deceived me. Whereas the A/C cooled yesterday, it didn't today. He must have known the system leaked and filled it with freon for the sale. Ditto with the power steering: he topped off the fluid so it would sound okay. Much noisier this morning, along with a puddle underneath.

* * *

Speaking of used cars: Back in 1983 during my first marriage while money was tight, one of our cars died and I replaced it quickly with a somewhat rusty, light-green/fake-wood 1975 Dodge Colt station wagon for $450. What would my wife think of the purchase? Hadn't really considered that since this was going to be my commuter car.

When she got home from work that day, her first words (in an irritated tone of voice) were, "WHOSE GREEN SHITBOX IS THAT IN OUR DRIVEWAY?!"

Laughing with tears at the memory,

Terri

P.S. to Uncle Flo and Mr. T: Thanks for your words of encouragement.

[Transformer54 (imported)]

Hi Terri, So sorry to hear about this episode with the car, I don't believe a lemond law applies to a private seller though. As in the words of the privouse posts we all have our ups and downs. I had to learn to repair cars myself. This good in two folds: 1) can repair it cheaply, and 2) you can also take your furstrations out on the damn thing. I would start with the brakes, for an immediate fix just put a set of pads on it first, they are about $20-$25. this is relatively easy too! as far as the power steering pump goes, go to the local auto parts and get some stop leak designed for power steering systems. Keep in mind these are all just temporary fixs, and save some more for a better one and trade this one off soon. Good Luck dear!!! best wishs

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

UPDATE ON CAR: While driving the newly-purchased 1996 car across town to a junker, observed how nicely it rode. (Much nicer than my truck.) Stopped at a brake shop to get a second opinion; only $350 and the brakes would be fine. So, decided to keep the car after all.

* * *

Been reading David Reimer's biography ("As Nature Made Him"). The basic lesson his life teaches us is that gender is inborn, not the result of environment (i.e., "nature over nurture"). No amount of training nor cajoling could make him into a satisfied, non-dysfunctional girl. As his life demonstrates, until you get your gender right, you'll be messed up.

THIS IS BIG(!):

You know the old hypothesis that homosexuality and transsexualism are caused by an overbearing mother and an emotionally-distant father? There's an insightful observation in David Reimer's biography regarding that stereotype. A child psychiatrist, Dr. Bernard Zuger, observed that the stereotype often did apply in his work with young male homosexuals. However, by observing families in action, Dr. Zuger came to believe the stereotype was not a cause but an EFFECT. When the child displayed feminine play preferences early on, "the father's efforts to bond over masculine interests were rebuffed by the child, and the father -- rejected -- would emotionally withdraw; the mother would move in to fill the vacuum" (page 73).

When I get a good opportunity to chat with Dad, I'm going to probe (in a roundabout way) if that happened between us. Thinking back, when I was 4 or 5 years old, Dad tried shaming me out of playing with dolls by bringing it up in front of my friends while he was fixing the lawnmower. Also, when I was 9, he signed me up for Little League against my will. So it's very possible he had trouble finding common ground with me.

* * *

Last weekend, after spending the day in grubby male clothes (washing the car's upholstery), realized how much I've come to depend on the androgynous presentation normally used on evenings and weekends. After all, in unequivocal male clothing, there's no chance of getting maam'd, nor a chance of causing confusion in the beholder. So the "norm" for me has shifted: androgynous clothing is more comfortable than an unequivocal male presentation. (And certainly more appropriate when shopping for women's clothes!)

After months of cycling on and off of estrogen, been using it continuously now for six weeks with plans to stay on it for good. Let breast development come. When I look in the mirror, it's as though something is missing even from my androgynous presentation. Although I may vacillate on the matter of transition, breasts are welcome in any case.

Love the results of the laser hair-reduction session two weeks ago. Beard shadow is gone from most places. Face feels smoother. What a delight! It took 10 days before hairs started dying and falling out.

Still have my down days, but overall I'm doing better than I have in a long time. Transition gives me hope that things will get better. And, hopefully, it's not a vain hope. Transition sometimes feels like I'm building a rocket in my backyard to take me to the moon: "Am I aimed in the right direction? Do I even want to go to the moon? Will there be air to breathe once I get there -- IF I get there?" Was feeling down recently, pessimistic whether women will accept me as a peer. But just have to trust that things will work out.

Another view on transition: There's way too much emphasis on weighing the "BIG DECISION" to transition. It's like anything else: you won't know if it's right for you until you try it out. I believe potential transitioners should test the waters early on instead of analyzing it to death. Even though I made the decision a year ago (and am already castrated, been dabbling with estrogen, and had laser done to my face), still feel like I'm just in an "exploring" stage, having gone out dressed only four times now. Why dress? To see if I enjoy interacting socially as a female. You can analyze something to death, or you can just try it out and see. This philosophy isn't too far removed from something Melanie Phillips said. When asked how she knew she was TS, she replied she didn't know. She said you know only if you actually proceed thru transition, further and further, without stopping.

Oh, it's so late! What am I doing up at this hour?

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD in a long time. I'll explain shortly. But first, the storm before the calm:

Went out dressed Saturday nite, but the experience overall was unsatisfying. (Felt out of place among the exaggerated presentations of so many "men in dresses.") Had a tearful walk Sunday morning, saying to myself, "I feel unwelcome in this world" (as a gender-variant person). Wrote a depressing post Sunday (but didn't post it). Cried easily Sunday afternoon if any little thing went wrong ("I can't do anything right, boo-hoo!"). Had difficulty this morning driving to a client because the tears came so hard (various reasons).

Could be I was low on hormones, because last week's patch didn't stay on completely due to hot weather. But also having trouble with the goal of transitioning. Maybe I'm too much of a realist, but can't see myself as a 24x7 female. Although I don't feel akin to males anymore, I don't feel akin to girlie girls either.

In a sense, I feel like an intersexed person who is being pressured (by this gender-bipolar culture) to declare for one sex or the other. If you pressure me, I'll choose female (a

s the decision to transition demonstrat

es). But if you leave me alone, I will work out a gender expression which fits and is comfortable (for me, at least).

When I've prayed about how to live [regarding gender], the only answer which comes is "TRUTH." That answer hadn't been helpful so far because I'm truly male outside (albeit sans balls) and truly female inside by any reasonable measure. (Any time I try to deny the latter truth, reality intrudes harshly.) Which truth applies? Which truth trumps the other?

Think I have an answer now: ANDROGYNY (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyny). Mentioned it previously in this diary, but only as a cowardly escape out of transition. But now it seems more appropriate for me than full transition. Androgyny accurately reflects who/what I am:

- life experiences of a male

- heart and sensibilities of a female

- not dating material for either sex

One reason I can't see myself as a 24x7 girl is I am compulsively honest and open. People around me will know the truth. So I won't be perceived as a girl anyway, just TG.

I still have GID (and the death-wish which accompanies it), but I'm: (1) resisting the culture's pressure to come down on either side of the fence, and (2) taking certain realities into account.

Regarding steps taken toward transition thus far: Any regrets? Was it a mistake? Am I de-transitioning? Not in the least. Rather, I could not have found this place (i.e., androgyny) without first embarking on transition. Still thrilled that beard shadow is going bye-bye via laser treatments, still going to take estrogen continuously (and let them boobies grow), still going to work on an appropriate voice for public settings, will keep hair longish and feminine. Wondering if/when to get my ears pierced.

I'd like a body which is sufficiently feminized such that gender signals will largely be determined by clothes and accessories. To be truthful, I want the ability to pass as an unspectacular female without a whole lot of preparation. (For example: Saturday night was my first experience with a low neckline: "Ack! I have 'chest shadow!'" Though freshly shaved, my chest had little dots all over. Had to move the neckline up with safety pins.) Along those same lines, I'd like the sort of presentation that, when clocked, won't offend the beholder because it's not exaggerated and so close to the boundary anyway. (The beholder says: "Gee...maybe that poor person has some sort of hormone or thyroid problem." I'd much rather arouse pity than ire.)

I have a peace and a good feeling about this direction. Even celebrated it tonight with a special dinner. In contrast, whenever I've decided in favor of transition, I always added, "The future looks scary" or "I'd still prefer death but that's not an option."

(On the lighter side: Was thinking what to reply if co-workers or family ask, "Why did you get your ears pierced?" Could say: "Because the selection among clip-on earrings is so poor." )

I'd say "I'm gonna push this eunuch thing to the max" but, as this website demonstrates, eunuchs are basically male. Instead, I'm going to try pushing the feminine side of androgyny.

As you readers well know, I vacillate a lot. We'll see how long this decision lasts. Thank you for your continued interest in my ups and downs. It sure helps to have a place to unload,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Think I gained some useful insight into an unrecognized cause of GID pain this week. Even have a new slogan as a result:

"GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME!"

In reading about gender, I've heard it said gender is a societal construct. That's pretty hard to swallow since gender has such obvious biological underpinnings. However, it is true that gender bipolarism (GBP) -- the idea that everyone is either male or female with no inbetweens -- is a societal construct, one which oversimplifies both biology and psychology. Intersexed folks put the lie to GBP biologically, and transgendered folks put the lie to it psychologically.

Why do I say, "GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME"? Because, falling outside of bipolar gender norms, I have felt defective beyond repair, marginalized, and rejected, and have desired death as a way out of a seemingly insurmountable problem. Suicide continues to be a near-daily temptation, one which I daily refuse. Only now have I recognized who/what the real enemy is: the false construct of GBP.

One of the big causes of pain with GID is gender bipolarism itself:

- As TS's, we are torn between the two poles and obsessively analyze ourselves: "What am I -- male or female?" We fail to realize society has let us down by presenting an impossible choice. We don't fit either classification well.

- People aren't allowed to admit to possessing a blended gender identity since it doesn't fits society's construct. As TG's, we first deny that it is possible for our gender identities to not follow biology. When it is no longer deniable, it becomes our secret, one hard to bear.

- Since blended identities aren't allowed, a significant portion of oneself must be suppressed.

- Greeting cards addressed to us in gendered terms ("son", "brother", etc.) become painful because we believe such terms negate our "true" personality. (Again, thinking in GBP terms.)

- After awhile, suppression becomes futile or too painful, and the taboo, other-gendered personality is released.

- Even then, the transitioning TG person obeys society's oversimplified view of gender by switching to the other side completely, thereby repudiating their old gender (and, thus, part of themselves).

- Families are hurt by the 100% switch which repudiates the old person they knew and loved. Family gatherings become either a painful chore for the TS (dressed in the old gender, feeling untrue to their new direction) or confrontational (dressed in the new gender).

Now imagine a world without GBP. Most people would continue to follow gender norms, since most people have conventional genders. Those of us in the middle could loosen things up, either blending our presentations or alternating male/female presentations depending on mood. Gendered greeting cards wouldn't hurt because they are simply referring to a portion of our personality, and wouldn't necessarily be negating the rest of who we are.

Now you probably want to ask: "Terri, your post today is tantamount to admitting that you're not 100% female inside. Have you been leading us along all these months, making us believe you are transsexual when in fact you are some kind of weird man?"

If that's what you're thinking, that's gender bipolarism for you. I have stopped trying to classify myself, because I now see GBP as the enemy. It's a false dichotomy which causes untold pain to those of us with gender issues. All I know is my gender is inverted enough to cause "a clinical level of dysfunction." (The status quo was killing me: I was depressed and suicidal, with low productivity at work and increasing social dysfunction, all clearly caused by gender issues.) The medical establishment's solution to GID is transition -- trading one polarized gender for another. GBP at work, again.

(You know...committing these thoughts to paper would be dangerous if I were in a formal program of gender therapy and medically-supervised hormone therapy. What? -- Admit to not being 100% female? That could sink my chances of being approved for SRS, more hormones, etc.)

Unfortunately, transition trades one lie for another. As TS's, we feel our male presentation is a lie since our personality is female. But if we transition, then we lie about our past and our basic biology.

These are merely the thoughts of someone who is struggling with the drastic cure of transition. I know transition works for many people, BUT...(leaving some thoughts unsaid). And:

I look at men and feel disconnected from them...

...I look at women and don't quite feel connected to them either.

I've lived as a man, and now have the heart of a woman. What place is there for me in society?

(What about eunuchs? Where do they fit in the gender scheme? My parents have observed (with some concern) that my personality changed after castration. It's a no brainer, however, when you just give it a little thought: Steers and bulls are different animals. After all, have you ever heard of steer-fighting or cow-fighting?)

But maybe I'm carving some sort of niche for myself. My altered appearance (feminine hair, no beard shadow) is getting increased politeness in terms of doors being opened, even with folks who know me. Also, I'm hearing "young man" more often, including from a 40-ish woman at a jobsite. (I'm 50.) Seriously contemplating a lifestyle where gender presentation will vary depending on the occasion. For work and family, soft-to-feminine male will suffice. For shopping and gatherings with friends, female presentation will be a possibility. By abandoning GBP, I can allow my entire self to live: can look in a mirror without distress (by feminizing), can present male at work or among family without feeling like I'm denying who I am, and can present female among friends or in public to let that side of me breathe.

You may be thinking: "But, Terri, if you don't fully transition, you'll just be a man in women's clothing." GBP-based thinking again. I'm NOT a "man" now, regardless of what clothing I wear. My personality and sensibilities are not those of a man, so I no longer measure myself by male standards. And I'm not claiming to be a woman: never had a period, never bore a child, never had to deal with female cattiness in high school, haven't had to be on the losing end of male privilege, never had to deal with sexual harassment/assault (or fear thereof). I am claiming to have a blended gender which falls outside the GBP-mandated norms of "male" and "female" and which thereby results in a great deal of psychological pain. Some of the pain is unavoidable and similar to what an intersexed person feels. As a psychologically-intersexed person, I have longed all my life to be a full-fledged female. If I were a full-fledged male, that would be a silly desire. But I'm somewhere in the middle, have a clear preference between the two poles of male and female, but can never obtain that preference perfectly. But some of the psychological pain of GID is avoidable because it is caused by the false construct of GBP. No wonder we TS's sometimes feel we are going insane: society tells us our internal gender experience is impossible.

Terri's solution? Get rid of GBP! It is a killer, literally. Else, why does 85% of the TS community consider or attempt suicide?

Sorry for the length. Had to get it off my chest,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Well said. --FLO--