Desperate to be a Eunuch
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
My role in the family was the scapegoat role. I need to stop continuing this on today. I need to acknowledge who I am and be strong in my sense of self. I am a good person and the non-assholes know this as fact.
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nullorchis (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
tugon. Having people call you and talk about their issues and not seem to care much about your issues says to me that they value you and your opinion and you are to them a solid rock, an anchor.
Those who treat you as a scapegoat are in my opinion envious of the skills, talents, gifts you have. They are so insecure and immature and want so badly to be even half as good as you that the only thing they can do is try to belittle you, drag you down, beneath their level.
It is one of the oddities of life, people who try to destroy others, instead of encouraging and building up others.
Each of us has the capacity to see in others their potential - probably better than we can see it in ourselves. There is nothing wrong, there is everything right about seeing the good in others and helping them to achieve their potential, even though that may make them in any number of ways better off.
People who try to drag you down I compare to those little noseeum bugs. They fly in your ears, drive you to insanity, but you can't see or squish them. But there are many ways to avoid them, on purpose, intentionally, without harming them. If you did not mean offense to your relatives in the letter you sent, but they took offense, then good riddens. Terminate that communication path, find new people, compliment them, help them achieve their potential; life will be better than ever when we stop thinking only about me, myself, and I, and start focusing on others, their problems, and how, whatever little experience, knowledge and skill I have, might be useful in helping someone else out of their doldrums. Doing good for others, turns out, helps feed our well being. Doing no good to others, as in the case of your relatives, turns out does nothing but feed their misery and unhappiness. The choice is so obvious, but so many never catch on. All they do is moan and groan and complain and woe is me, woe is the world, they only see everything bad and wrong in others and everything they do or don't do. For them the glass is not just half empty, it is bone dry. Sounds like you are well on your way to a full cup of good living. Good Luck.
Those who treat you as a scapegoat are in my opinion envious of the skills, talents, gifts you have. They are so insecure and immature and want so badly to be even half as good as you that the only thing they can do is try to belittle you, drag you down, beneath their level.
It is one of the oddities of life, people who try to destroy others, instead of encouraging and building up others.
Each of us has the capacity to see in others their potential - probably better than we can see it in ourselves. There is nothing wrong, there is everything right about seeing the good in others and helping them to achieve their potential, even though that may make them in any number of ways better off.
People who try to drag you down I compare to those little noseeum bugs. They fly in your ears, drive you to insanity, but you can't see or squish them. But there are many ways to avoid them, on purpose, intentionally, without harming them. If you did not mean offense to your relatives in the letter you sent, but they took offense, then good riddens. Terminate that communication path, find new people, compliment them, help them achieve their potential; life will be better than ever when we stop thinking only about me, myself, and I, and start focusing on others, their problems, and how, whatever little experience, knowledge and skill I have, might be useful in helping someone else out of their doldrums. Doing good for others, turns out, helps feed our well being. Doing no good to others, as in the case of your relatives, turns out does nothing but feed their misery and unhappiness. The choice is so obvious, but so many never catch on. All they do is moan and groan and complain and woe is me, woe is the world, they only see everything bad and wrong in others and everything they do or don't do. For them the glass is not just half empty, it is bone dry. Sounds like you are well on your way to a full cup of good living. Good Luck.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I found this to be interesting.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_po ... s_disorder
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Though mainstream journals have published papers on C-PTSD, the category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as DSM or ICD.[1]
C-PTSD involves complex and reciprocal interactions between multiple biopsychosocial systems. It was first referred to by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery and an accompanying article.[2][3] Forms of trauma include sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture.[4][5]
A differentiation between the diagnostic category of C-PTSD and that of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been suggested. C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic repetitive trauma than does PTSD alone.[6][7]
PTSD descriptions fail to capture some of the core characteristics of C-PTSD. These elements include captivity, psychological fragmentation, the loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as the tendency to be revictimized, and, most importantly, the loss of a coherent sense of self. It is this loss of a coherent sense of self, and the ensuing symptom profile, that most pointedly differentiates C-PTSD from PTSD.[8]
C-PTSD is characterized by pervasive insecure, often disorganized-type attachment.[9] DSM-IV dissociative disorders and PTSD do not include insecure attachment in their criteria. As a consequence of this aspect of C-PTSD, when some adults with C-PTSD become parents and confront their own children's attachment needs, they may have particular difficulty in responding sensitively especially to their infants' and young children's routine distress—such as during routine separations, despite these parents' best intentions and efforts.[10] And this difficulty in parenting may have adverse repercussions for their children's social and emotional development if parents with this condition and their children do not receive appropriate treatment.[11][12]
C-PTSD may have originated from observations of acute breakthrough of borderline personality (BPD) symptoms in trauma victims.[citation needed] This could be diagnosed as PTSD with borderline features, where the symptoms of BPD were not sufficient to sustain a (hypothetical) dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. C-PTSD may share some symptoms with both PTSD and BPD.[24] Judith Herman has suggested that C-PTSD be used in place of borderline.[25]
It may help to understand the intersection of attachment theory with C-PTSD and BPD if one reads the following opinion of Bessel A. van der Kolk together with an understanding drawn from a description of BPD:
Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Trauma can be repeated on behavioural, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[26][27]
Seeking increased attachment to people, especially to care-givers who inflict pain, confuses love and pain and increases the likelihood of a captivity like that of betrayal bonding,[28] and of disempowerment and lack of control. If the situation is perceived as life threatening then traumatic stress responses will likely arise and C-PTSD more likely diagnosed in a situation of insecure attachment than PTSD. At what point do the complex, reciprocal biopsychosocial responses to prolonged and extreme abuse evolve into BPD? This may depend on the timing, intensity and duration of the abuse and an as yet unidentified predisposition to BPD that results in a reset of the neuroendocrinologic levels of the body[citation needed] in a self-reinforcing pattern recognisable as the symptom cluster of BPD.
However, 25% of those diagnosed with BPD have no history of childhood neglect or abuse and individuals are six times as likely to develop BPD if they have a relative who was so diagnosed[citation needed] compared to those who do not. One conclusion is that there is a genetic predisposition to BPD unrelated to trauma. Researchers conducting a longitudinal investigation of identical twins found that "genetic factors play a major role in individual differences of borderline personality disorder features in Western society."[29][30]
Herman[39] believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting with community and more broadly, society. Herman believes recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship.
Complex trauma means complex reactions and this leads to complex treatments. Hence treatment for C-PTSD requires a multi-modal approach.[40] It has been suggested that treatment for C-PTSD should differ from treatment for PTSD by focusing on problems that cause more functional impairment than the PTSD symptoms. These problems include emotional dysregulation, dissociation, and interpersonal problems.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_po ... s_disorder
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma with lack or loss of control, disempowerment, and in the context of either captivity or entrapment, i.e. the lack of a viable escape route for the victim. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Though mainstream journals have published papers on C-PTSD, the category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems such as DSM or ICD.[1]
C-PTSD involves complex and reciprocal interactions between multiple biopsychosocial systems. It was first referred to by Judith Herman in her book Trauma & Recovery and an accompanying article.[2][3] Forms of trauma include sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse), physical abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture.[4][5]
A differentiation between the diagnostic category of C-PTSD and that of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has been suggested. C-PTSD better describes the pervasive negative impact of chronic repetitive trauma than does PTSD alone.[6][7]
PTSD descriptions fail to capture some of the core characteristics of C-PTSD. These elements include captivity, psychological fragmentation, the loss of a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, as well as the tendency to be revictimized, and, most importantly, the loss of a coherent sense of self. It is this loss of a coherent sense of self, and the ensuing symptom profile, that most pointedly differentiates C-PTSD from PTSD.[8]
C-PTSD is characterized by pervasive insecure, often disorganized-type attachment.[9] DSM-IV dissociative disorders and PTSD do not include insecure attachment in their criteria. As a consequence of this aspect of C-PTSD, when some adults with C-PTSD become parents and confront their own children's attachment needs, they may have particular difficulty in responding sensitively especially to their infants' and young children's routine distress—such as during routine separations, despite these parents' best intentions and efforts.[10] And this difficulty in parenting may have adverse repercussions for their children's social and emotional development if parents with this condition and their children do not receive appropriate treatment.[11][12]
C-PTSD may have originated from observations of acute breakthrough of borderline personality (BPD) symptoms in trauma victims.[citation needed] This could be diagnosed as PTSD with borderline features, where the symptoms of BPD were not sufficient to sustain a (hypothetical) dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. C-PTSD may share some symptoms with both PTSD and BPD.[24] Judith Herman has suggested that C-PTSD be used in place of borderline.[25]
It may help to understand the intersection of attachment theory with C-PTSD and BPD if one reads the following opinion of Bessel A. van der Kolk together with an understanding drawn from a description of BPD:
Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Trauma can be repeated on behavioural, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[26][27]
Seeking increased attachment to people, especially to care-givers who inflict pain, confuses love and pain and increases the likelihood of a captivity like that of betrayal bonding,[28] and of disempowerment and lack of control. If the situation is perceived as life threatening then traumatic stress responses will likely arise and C-PTSD more likely diagnosed in a situation of insecure attachment than PTSD. At what point do the complex, reciprocal biopsychosocial responses to prolonged and extreme abuse evolve into BPD? This may depend on the timing, intensity and duration of the abuse and an as yet unidentified predisposition to BPD that results in a reset of the neuroendocrinologic levels of the body[citation needed] in a self-reinforcing pattern recognisable as the symptom cluster of BPD.
However, 25% of those diagnosed with BPD have no history of childhood neglect or abuse and individuals are six times as likely to develop BPD if they have a relative who was so diagnosed[citation needed] compared to those who do not. One conclusion is that there is a genetic predisposition to BPD unrelated to trauma. Researchers conducting a longitudinal investigation of identical twins found that "genetic factors play a major role in individual differences of borderline personality disorder features in Western society."[29][30]
Herman[39] believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting with community and more broadly, society. Herman believes recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship.
Complex trauma means complex reactions and this leads to complex treatments. Hence treatment for C-PTSD requires a multi-modal approach.[40] It has been suggested that treatment for C-PTSD should differ from treatment for PTSD by focusing on problems that cause more functional impairment than the PTSD symptoms. These problems include emotional dysregulation, dissociation, and interpersonal problems.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:31 pm Herman[39] believes recovery from C-PTSD occurs in three stages. These are: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning for what was lost, and reconnecting with community and more broadly, society. Herman believes recovery can only occur within a healing relationship and only if the survivor is empowered by that relationship.
I think in my life I have reestablished safety. Of course this is partly from being more private and judicious about who I let know where I live. Safety also stems from being more assertive and recognizing the early warnings that someone is not as they say. I also like myself more so I will protect me. Oddly since I am still troubled with dreams of being raped I find I am handling myself better in the dreams. Maybe my dreams are training me if anyone ever tries to revictimize me.
I remember what is lost but I do not know if I have mourned the loss. Oddly since the abuse started early and continued on for most of my life it had become the norm. I may not know what was truly lost.
I have never found that healing relationship
to find someone who is gentle and kind who can break the mental link I have with sex and violence. I have yet to feel empowered in a relationship. Can such a thing exist? My involvement with Brian and things not being what was promised was not empowering. My one attempt at dating after Brian was not empowering. I told him I have to take things very slow and less than an hour later he wanted to strip down and show me what he had. I bared my soul and not a word was heard or respected.
Now to the brighter side of life. I have attached quite strongly with my dog. I wonder even though not human if he will be therapy. I enjoy coming home to something that is glad to see me. Sure he may pee on my things but he does not piss on my feelings.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Mar 19, 2011 12:31 pm Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[26][27]
I found this interesting since I often asked others to do to me what my abuser was threatening. I have posted before that I thought my mind had twisted to accept the abuse by finding a sexual outlet with others. I hated what he was doing to me but I enjoyed offering others the chance to harm me in much the same ways.
I understand feeling bad and out of control.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
This morning the phone rang. A call from South Korea. My young friend in the Air Force called to rekindle our friendship. He apologized for not being much of a friend. I told him after two tours in Iraq and his second time in South Korea he had been busy. I told him that I was always back here cheering him on and I knew I would hear from him again.
I hired him to work with me in patient care years ago and was always impressed with him. He did not have a very good relation with his father and his mother thought of me as a second father to him. We worked well together, worked out together and we shared our pain together. I was castrated 12/06/97 and I began working with him 4/01/98. On 4/19/98 the young man I loved, who died tragically many years before, mother came into the ER. She was released on 4/21/98 with her diagnosis of cancer with mets to the brain. My friend and I helped her to the car and she hugged me and said "you know I love you". The tears started to flow. When I was alone with my new trainee I lost it. This incredible young man heard all the pain and ugliness of my life.
He then shared some of his pains and frustrations and we bonded. He was the one who gave me the name tugon. Today he mentioned he had his dog tugonned. We chuckled over that one. I mentioned that my dog was neutered and since I also was neutered we were still trying to decide who was the Alpha Male. Again more laughter and it was so good to hear his voice again.
I do worry about bonding and attachments with friends but today reminded me that good people that are supportive and caring are the ones with which I can bond. I am glad we are back in contact because I do want to know the joys and be there for the pains of life. I hope his wife does not mind how much I care about him. I am looking forward to meeting her. They are planning a family when he is stationed in England. I have been invited and if they have a child I can be the nanny when they take the train to Paris. I have informed him that he needs to take his wife to Paris while he is so close.
Yes today was a good day.
I hired him to work with me in patient care years ago and was always impressed with him. He did not have a very good relation with his father and his mother thought of me as a second father to him. We worked well together, worked out together and we shared our pain together. I was castrated 12/06/97 and I began working with him 4/01/98. On 4/19/98 the young man I loved, who died tragically many years before, mother came into the ER. She was released on 4/21/98 with her diagnosis of cancer with mets to the brain. My friend and I helped her to the car and she hugged me and said "you know I love you". The tears started to flow. When I was alone with my new trainee I lost it. This incredible young man heard all the pain and ugliness of my life.
He then shared some of his pains and frustrations and we bonded. He was the one who gave me the name tugon. Today he mentioned he had his dog tugonned. We chuckled over that one. I mentioned that my dog was neutered and since I also was neutered we were still trying to decide who was the Alpha Male. Again more laughter and it was so good to hear his voice again.
I do worry about bonding and attachments with friends but today reminded me that good people that are supportive and caring are the ones with which I can bond. I am glad we are back in contact because I do want to know the joys and be there for the pains of life. I hope his wife does not mind how much I care about him. I am looking forward to meeting her. They are planning a family when he is stationed in England. I have been invited and if they have a child I can be the nanny when they take the train to Paris. I have informed him that he needs to take his wife to Paris while he is so close.
Yes today was a good day.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I have much time to think while walking my dog. We spend about 3 hours of the day treeing squirrels, peeing on bushes and hopefully pooping on the ground instead of carpet. Walking a dog is very peaceful and I recommend it highly.
Today while walking I remembered my second grade teacher Sister Madonna. I remember her working with me to speak above a whisper. One day she was having me give answers to the flash cards she would show. I whispered the answer and she would ask me to speak louder for the class. Finally she showed me a flash card and I stated the answer so loud that she dropped the flash cards. I always liked her.
Years later as an Altar Boy she would be at a Mass that I served. She told my mother that she was proud of me. She died tragically in a car accident.
Today I wonder what she thought of me as a child when I would have wetting accidents in her class. Not from bladder control issues but from trauma. The way teachers are trained today to recognize the signs would she have alerted anyone. Yes I think she would have.
Strange that I would think of her and my wet pants. I guess since I remember few adults that were kind I think of her and John A who used to tell my mother that he wanted to adopt me. He was one of the few adult males that I felt were kind and liked me. He was a gentle man and I enjoyed his visits. His wife would bake all of us cookies but John would slip a dollar in my pocket. Back in the days when a dollar bought something.
I cannot always stay on the positive side of life because positive is fairly new for me. Physical and sexual abuse ended in 1997 but verbal ended in 2002 from the same individual. Nine years with no abuse has been good.
Today while walking I remembered my second grade teacher Sister Madonna. I remember her working with me to speak above a whisper. One day she was having me give answers to the flash cards she would show. I whispered the answer and she would ask me to speak louder for the class. Finally she showed me a flash card and I stated the answer so loud that she dropped the flash cards. I always liked her.
Years later as an Altar Boy she would be at a Mass that I served. She told my mother that she was proud of me. She died tragically in a car accident.
Today I wonder what she thought of me as a child when I would have wetting accidents in her class. Not from bladder control issues but from trauma. The way teachers are trained today to recognize the signs would she have alerted anyone. Yes I think she would have.
Strange that I would think of her and my wet pants. I guess since I remember few adults that were kind I think of her and John A who used to tell my mother that he wanted to adopt me. He was one of the few adult males that I felt were kind and liked me. He was a gentle man and I enjoyed his visits. His wife would bake all of us cookies but John would slip a dollar in my pocket. Back in the days when a dollar bought something.
I cannot always stay on the positive side of life because positive is fairly new for me. Physical and sexual abuse ended in 1997 but verbal ended in 2002 from the same individual. Nine years with no abuse has been good.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Today at work while the elder couple were napping I thought about my being 55years old. No one is more surprised than me that I made it to this age. In my youth I thought I would hate being this age. Like so many things I was wrong. I guess chronologically you are an age but do not have to feel that age.
I remember in college when I met a professor from another school. We met in my favorite gay bar at the time. We talked and he invited me to his home for dinner. I was flattered and said I would join him on the evening and time suggested. He was a good cook. What was troubling for 19 year old me was that he was 37 years old. Of course now that I am 55 I would love to meet a hot 37 year old. Funny how time changes your perspective.
I do not spend much time thinking about 65 but I hope to reach that age. Like many I hope to have my health and senses to the end. As a caretaker I like taking care of others but I do not want to need care. Psychotherapy excluded of course.
I guess what I think today is life has always been interesting. I am glad I did not miss it.
I remember in college when I met a professor from another school. We met in my favorite gay bar at the time. We talked and he invited me to his home for dinner. I was flattered and said I would join him on the evening and time suggested. He was a good cook. What was troubling for 19 year old me was that he was 37 years old. Of course now that I am 55 I would love to meet a hot 37 year old. Funny how time changes your perspective.
I do not spend much time thinking about 65 but I hope to reach that age. Like many I hope to have my health and senses to the end. As a caretaker I like taking care of others but I do not want to need care. Psychotherapy excluded of course.
I guess what I think today is life has always been interesting. I am glad I did not miss it.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Well this is new and weird. Recently I have become troubled by human touch. I have had for awhile trouble when someone would put their hands on my shoulders when I was seated in a chair. I would feel trapped and confined. A bear hug with my arms pinned to my side would panic me. Now the slightest of touch is an issue.
As a caregiver touch is very important. A touch can be comforting and reassure someone that they are safe. Touching while assisting with hygiene is mandatory. I can easily do my work but when they reach out for something and touch me I cringe. When I assist with transfers I now dread their having to hold on to me. I am not sure if this is a sign of burn-out or related to my other issues.
This problem with touch is with everyone. A clerk in a store hands me back change and when our hands might touch I cringe. This happens with male or female so I cannot directly relate it to anything. During the morning hours the TV is usually on Let's Make A Deal and The Price Is Right. This morning someone had the chance to win massages for a year and that sounded like torture to me. A stranger touching me for an hour and more times to come. No thank you.
As some of you know I have a problem with nudity. In a healthcare setting I asses the body for skin ulcers and other concerns. Outside of healthcare I do not want to see naked bodies. I remember giving a speech to another member about what I can and cannot tolerate. Neither the member nor my roommate had any reason to be concerned about their bodies but my hang-ups were I did not want to see them without clothes.
I have lived with the nudity issue but the problem with touch is causing greater issues. I am not germ phobic so that is not it. I grew up without being touched so in later years if my mother did touch me I would cringe. A hand through the hair or a rub of the shoulders would panic me. I remember how much I craved being touched after becoming a eunuch but as time has passed I avoid touch. Please do not hug this eunuch.
As a caregiver touch is very important. A touch can be comforting and reassure someone that they are safe. Touching while assisting with hygiene is mandatory. I can easily do my work but when they reach out for something and touch me I cringe. When I assist with transfers I now dread their having to hold on to me. I am not sure if this is a sign of burn-out or related to my other issues.
This problem with touch is with everyone. A clerk in a store hands me back change and when our hands might touch I cringe. This happens with male or female so I cannot directly relate it to anything. During the morning hours the TV is usually on Let's Make A Deal and The Price Is Right. This morning someone had the chance to win massages for a year and that sounded like torture to me. A stranger touching me for an hour and more times to come. No thank you.
As some of you know I have a problem with nudity. In a healthcare setting I asses the body for skin ulcers and other concerns. Outside of healthcare I do not want to see naked bodies. I remember giving a speech to another member about what I can and cannot tolerate. Neither the member nor my roommate had any reason to be concerned about their bodies but my hang-ups were I did not want to see them without clothes.
I have lived with the nudity issue but the problem with touch is causing greater issues. I am not germ phobic so that is not it. I grew up without being touched so in later years if my mother did touch me I would cringe. A hand through the hair or a rub of the shoulders would panic me. I remember how much I craved being touched after becoming a eunuch but as time has passed I avoid touch. Please do not hug this eunuch.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I love sleeping in on a Sunday but a cold wet tongue in the ear at 5:45AM was to prevent that from happening. I think I have lost control of my home. Yes it has gone to the dogs literally. I even thought this was my week to be in control.
Seriously though having a dog has been a great addition to my life. It has been almost two months now and we are adjusting to one another quite well. His antics have me laughing often which was needed. He is my personal trainer since we walk several times a day and on average for three hours total.
Even though I was not pleased to be out walking that early my corner of the world was amazing. Everything was softened by the early morning fog. When we walked through the woods we could hear the rain from earlier still dropping from the tree branches. Many squirrels to chase and scents to follow. We rounded a bend and there were two deer to greet us. I made some clicking noises and Corky did not let out one of his hound dog barks and we were able to get quite close. I guess an early morning commune with nature is not such a bad idea.
Now for an hour nap.
Seriously though having a dog has been a great addition to my life. It has been almost two months now and we are adjusting to one another quite well. His antics have me laughing often which was needed. He is my personal trainer since we walk several times a day and on average for three hours total.
Even though I was not pleased to be out walking that early my corner of the world was amazing. Everything was softened by the early morning fog. When we walked through the woods we could hear the rain from earlier still dropping from the tree branches. Many squirrels to chase and scents to follow. We rounded a bend and there were two deer to greet us. I made some clicking noises and Corky did not let out one of his hound dog barks and we were able to get quite close. I guess an early morning commune with nature is not such a bad idea.
Now for an hour nap.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
As I have mentioned before winds can seem cleansing. Such as the time I was standing on Pont des Arts in Paris and the winds blew some of my past away. Tonight I went for a walk with my dog since the rain had not yet come but I loved the motion of the trees. His leash whipped in the wind and his ears rode the currents. My raincoat was fluttering behind me.
Other than the sound of the wind the world was at peace. There was very little traffic and no human voice to interrupt the solitude. Just the music of the wind as we walked.
The trees are beginning to bloom and many have spring blossoms. The grass is green and growing rapidly. The rebirth of Spring is here. As a eunuch I can enjoy the fragrance of Spring so much more.
Other than the sound of the wind the world was at peace. There was very little traffic and no human voice to interrupt the solitude. Just the music of the wind as we walked.
The trees are beginning to bloom and many have spring blossoms. The grass is green and growing rapidly. The rebirth of Spring is here. As a eunuch I can enjoy the fragrance of Spring so much more.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
As I had mentioned in a previous post I have troubles with nudity. I do not want to be nude in front of others and I prefer them dressed when they are with me. A clinical setting is different of course. Which is why I wanted to mention the older gentleman who posed naked at his patio door while I was walking my dog.
Corky woke me up at 7:15 with a great need to water some plants. I threw on a pair of shoes, my rain coat and of course I was wearing the lounge pants and t-shirt I slept in last night. Half asleep and without any coffee we began our walk. Windy, damp and 41 degrees which made me miss my warm bed. Corky decided to walk between two of the apartment buildings when I noticed motion with my peripheral vision. I glanced over and there he was. All I could think of is you cannot even walk a dog in peace. All I did not think of was to pull out my camera with built-in phone. A nice image to send to the rental office.
Of course with my issues this kind of event creeps me out a little more than it should. I am working hard not to think what he might have done after he had his thrill of exposing himself. The idea of someone achieving pleasure at my expense and against my will is the cause of the very hot and long shower I am about to take.
Corky woke me up at 7:15 with a great need to water some plants. I threw on a pair of shoes, my rain coat and of course I was wearing the lounge pants and t-shirt I slept in last night. Half asleep and without any coffee we began our walk. Windy, damp and 41 degrees which made me miss my warm bed. Corky decided to walk between two of the apartment buildings when I noticed motion with my peripheral vision. I glanced over and there he was. All I could think of is you cannot even walk a dog in peace. All I did not think of was to pull out my camera with built-in phone. A nice image to send to the rental office.
Of course with my issues this kind of event creeps me out a little more than it should. I am working hard not to think what he might have done after he had his thrill of exposing himself. The idea of someone achieving pleasure at my expense and against my will is the cause of the very hot and long shower I am about to take.
Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2011 11:00 pm As I had mentioned in a previous post I have troubles with nudity. I do not want to be nude in front of others and I prefer them dressed when they are with me. A clinical setting is different of course. Which is why I wanted to mention the older gentleman who posed naked at his patio door while I was walking my dog.
Corky woke me up at 7:15 with a great need to water some plants. I threw on a pair of shoes, my rain coat and of course I was wearing the lounge pants and t-shirt I slept in last night. Half asleep and without any coffee we began our walk. Windy, damp and 41 degrees which made me miss my warm bed. Corky decided to walk between two of the apartment buildings when I noticed motion with my peripheral vision. I glanced over and there he was. All I could think of is you cannot even walk a dog in peace. All I did not think of was to pull out my camera with built-in phone. A nice image to send to the rental office.
Of course with my issues this kind of event creeps me out a little more than it should. I am working hard not to think what he might have done after he had his thrill of exposing himself. The idea of someone achieving pleasure at my expense and against my will is the cause of the very hot and long shower I am about to take.
Perhaps, playing doctor might help loosen the inhibitions?
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I probably need to play doctor and have a little human touch. I have two sisters and one brother. My younger sister and I are much inhibited like our mother was. My other sister and brother who are both extroverts are very uninhibited. Of course during the T days the sexual addiction/compulsion blocked my inhibitions. I still tried to wear as much clothes as I could during sex.
I did visit with two old friends and we hugged. The hugs did not cause undo panic. The idea of a group hug is scarey. I guess I have never had much positive touch in my life. Dad used brooms and belts and mom was a face slapper. Neither were affectionate with me.
So yes I need to find someone I can feel safe with and try some physical contact. While I am looking for that person I think I will avoid that patio. I wonder if I had that reaction because he was flashing for his thrills and with no concern for me. Being alone with Brian I enjoyed his undressing because he wanted me to enjoy myself. It was never a crude well here it is situation. I guess there is hope.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I went to Church last night since a mass was being said for my uncle. By all reports the church is still standing this morning. They wanted family to carry the gifts to the altar. Not surprisingly they handed the wine to my sister and had me carry the unblessed hosts. Like I was going to sip on the wine on my way up the aisle. Of course after hearing many coughing during mass I decided not to drink from the chalice. A little body but no blood and no germs thank you.
What was strange for me was that I wished I had faith. I longed for the comfort I thought it might provide. The priest is a very kind and gentle man whom I have enjoyed the few times I have heard him say mass. Oh and for the sake of full disclosure I find him attractive. Today I know that I will not pursue a sense of faith or the priest.
Like so many of my issues that rise up to provoke me the question of faith is one of them. I know what the church wrongly teaches about gays so I could never fully feel like a member. I remember a priest that would come to the hospital to visit the sick of the parish. He always made a point of looking me up and flirting. I was nice but not interested. Then when I would be at church to photograph a wedding or his going away party he never knew my name. Many thought I was fun until they were in polite society and then I became a non-entity. Often people have made me feel like a mo-ped, a lot of fun to ride but no one wants to be seen on one.
Yes I think those memories along with the torment I endured at catholic schools puts the faith issue back to bed. Just needed to sort through some feelings.
What was strange for me was that I wished I had faith. I longed for the comfort I thought it might provide. The priest is a very kind and gentle man whom I have enjoyed the few times I have heard him say mass. Oh and for the sake of full disclosure I find him attractive. Today I know that I will not pursue a sense of faith or the priest.
Like so many of my issues that rise up to provoke me the question of faith is one of them. I know what the church wrongly teaches about gays so I could never fully feel like a member. I remember a priest that would come to the hospital to visit the sick of the parish. He always made a point of looking me up and flirting. I was nice but not interested. Then when I would be at church to photograph a wedding or his going away party he never knew my name. Many thought I was fun until they were in polite society and then I became a non-entity. Often people have made me feel like a mo-ped, a lot of fun to ride but no one wants to be seen on one.
Yes I think those memories along with the torment I endured at catholic schools puts the faith issue back to bed. Just needed to sort through some feelings.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Tonight while out walking my dog for a quick pee break before bed a train was roaring down the tracks. My apartment is close to the tracks and often you feel the vibrations before you hear the train. When outside you hear the train first. On this rainy night we heard the roar and then saw the lights approaching from behind the evergreens. Since it was nighttime the train was traveling fast.
I have always been fascinated by trains. Model trains as a young boy, trains as depicted in movies, trains I have waited for behind the crossing gates and flashing lights and the first class car on the Via Rail when we would travel from Quebec City to Montreal for a day of shopping. Trains have always been romantic and also sorrowful.
I loved the stories of how the railroad was built across this country. I love the songs that have been inspired by the building of the railroad. The people who built the railroad including the Chinese workers who toiled to make the railroad what it was in it's day. I dislike that they were discriminated against after their work was completed and not allowed to settle in areas where they had built the railroad. California's Anti-Coolie Act of 1862 and the federal Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 contributed to the curtailment of Chinese immigration to the United States.
Tonight with the speed of the train I was thinking of all the peoples who were taken to Nazi Death Camps. Jews, homosexuals, developmentally disabled and physically handicapped that were exterminated. Other nights I think of dining cars and elegant travel. Leaving Paris on the Orient Express for adventures yet discovered. This night and the speed and sound of the train made me think of sadness and atrocity.
I have always been fascinated by trains. Model trains as a young boy, trains as depicted in movies, trains I have waited for behind the crossing gates and flashing lights and the first class car on the Via Rail when we would travel from Quebec City to Montreal for a day of shopping. Trains have always been romantic and also sorrowful.
I loved the stories of how the railroad was built across this country. I love the songs that have been inspired by the building of the railroad. The people who built the railroad including the Chinese workers who toiled to make the railroad what it was in it's day. I dislike that they were discriminated against after their work was completed and not allowed to settle in areas where they had built the railroad. California's Anti-Coolie Act of 1862 and the federal Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 contributed to the curtailment of Chinese immigration to the United States.
Tonight with the speed of the train I was thinking of all the peoples who were taken to Nazi Death Camps. Jews, homosexuals, developmentally disabled and physically handicapped that were exterminated. Other nights I think of dining cars and elegant travel. Leaving Paris on the Orient Express for adventures yet discovered. This night and the speed and sound of the train made me think of sadness and atrocity.
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Riverwind (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I also have a love of trains, HO model railroad, I had one in st louis but its now in a tub, no room here.
I love to travel by train, better then bus or plane. Several years ago there was this dinner train here in the twin cities, its gone now, but it had 5 or 6 dinning cars and as the train traveled at about 2 miles an hour it went down a track forgotten to its end then return to the start in about 3 hours. The food was 5 star, and where can you go by a group of teens that moon you as pass by.
River
I love to travel by train, better then bus or plane. Several years ago there was this dinner train here in the twin cities, its gone now, but it had 5 or 6 dinning cars and as the train traveled at about 2 miles an hour it went down a track forgotten to its end then return to the start in about 3 hours. The food was 5 star, and where can you go by a group of teens that moon you as pass by.
River
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graylayer02 (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
(snip)
If you travel through Europe enough by train, you'll see some vintage-looking boxcars once in a while. It does make you wonder.
Normally I associate the train with going into the city when I was a kid, sometimes to visit my dad at the office. That was always a good thing. Ah, the smell of Starbucks and cigars in the morning. That meant money.
tugon (imported) wrote: Fri May 20, 2011 12:08 pm Tonight with the speed of the train I was thinking of all the peoples who were taken to Nazi Death Camps. Jews, homosexuals, developmentally disabled and physically handicapped that were exterminated. Other nights I think of dining cars and elegant travel. Leaving Paris on the Orient Express for adventures yet discovered. This night and the speed and sound of the train made me think of sadness and atrocity.
If you travel through Europe enough by train, you'll see some vintage-looking boxcars once in a while. It does make you wonder.
Normally I associate the train with going into the city when I was a kid, sometimes to visit my dad at the office. That was always a good thing. Ah, the smell of Starbucks and cigars in the morning. That meant money.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Living in a rather small city eventually you will bump into many old ghosts. As I have mentioned before that with my low self esteem and sex addiction I rarely said no. Of course most do not know I am a eunuch today so when they bump into me they are expecting the old me.
Tuesday evening after work I stopped at a restaurant specializing in fried chicken. I was pleased to see I was the only one dining in since most of their business is drive-thru. Then all of a sudden a man walks in and I am hoping he gets his order to go. I felt concern for him since he was so heavy he had trouble walking. He looks over and recognizes me instantly. All of a sudden it dawns on me who he is.
Years ago when I sold audio equipment for a living there was a very athletic young man who did the stores deliveries. We began to go to a bar right next to the appliance/audio store after work. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each other for a brief time. At least until he married a woman. I am not sure what all happened but he is not the person I knew back then.
He made the local paper for his involvement with drugs. He quit his job and let the wife support him. They are divorced now. He has not worked for years and lives in her basement. His family is no longer willing to try and help because help can so easily become enabling. He wore them out.
Well he sat down at my table and made small talk. All of a sudden he grinned and asked "what I did for fun these days"? I told him "I just walk my dog and keep to myself". That put an end to the discussion.
Tuesday evening after work I stopped at a restaurant specializing in fried chicken. I was pleased to see I was the only one dining in since most of their business is drive-thru. Then all of a sudden a man walks in and I am hoping he gets his order to go. I felt concern for him since he was so heavy he had trouble walking. He looks over and recognizes me instantly. All of a sudden it dawns on me who he is.
Years ago when I sold audio equipment for a living there was a very athletic young man who did the stores deliveries. We began to go to a bar right next to the appliance/audio store after work. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each other for a brief time. At least until he married a woman. I am not sure what all happened but he is not the person I knew back then.
He made the local paper for his involvement with drugs. He quit his job and let the wife support him. They are divorced now. He has not worked for years and lives in her basement. His family is no longer willing to try and help because help can so easily become enabling. He wore them out.
Well he sat down at my table and made small talk. All of a sudden he grinned and asked "what I did for fun these days"? I told him "I just walk my dog and keep to myself". That put an end to the discussion.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I truly had the best of intentions today. Today was my first weekday off in a very long time and I thought of some fun things to do. Other than some clothes shopping activities the day did not turn out as planned.
I have been enjoying Corky, the dog I adopted, so much that I made a small donation to be a member of the Humane Society. I also decided to donate to the care of a pet who is yet to be adopted. While doing this I thought it might be fun to take Corky to visit and show them how well he is doing. Since it was a nice day all the dogs were in the outside portion of their pens. Not thinking as Corky and I approached the dogs began barking wildly. All of a sudden Corky froze and would not step onto the sidewalk leading to the entrance. I thought this odd since he has never been afraid of other dogs. Then it hit me that he might be afraid I was taking him back. That would never happen and the way the dogs were barking I think now they were warning him to make a break for it. Sorry Corky I did not think.
On the way home I thought we could walk around Moundbuilders Park. He has not been there since he has been with me. There were about 10 cars but no picnic tables in use. I parked away from the other vehicles in my usual way. As we walked Corky led us past the cars following a scent. All were filled with men staring at the outhouse. Hell I did not know the cruise park had changed. Why am I not getting the notices. As we walked I was sadly the youngest, best looking and thinnest man in the park. There are not many places that holds true but at that park I could feel good about me. As a eunuch I am sure I was not the best hung. Still at 6 ft., 248 lbs., 55 years old I was the eye candy. All that I have been through in various forms of sexual abuse I would not have stopped at that park had I known. I also would not like people wondering what I was up to walking around. Like having been recently flashed being hit on would have been uncomfortable.
Well after those two errors in judgment I told Corky we would go home and he could have a bath. I thought I was ready to bathe him without assistance or taking him to a professional groomer. Let us call that idea strike three for the day. I had filled the tub with a few inches of warm water and lowered Corky into the tub. Well he panicked when he could not get his footing in the tub. Finally he was on all fours and I began to apply some water to his back. I went to reach for his shampoo and when I turned back he was gone. Damn he is fast. Of late he has initiated playing hide and seek. He hid behind the magazine rack and against that side of the couch and let out a soft bark so I would look for him. Next he ran under the bed and softly barked. Well as wet as he was I am not really sure where he went to hide. He did not bark so I could not find him.
Corky is now sleeping soundly on my bed. I am sure he is resting up to take me for a long walk. We walk for 1 hour in the morning, 1 1/2 hours around 6 PM and then for 1/2 hour before bed. Of course on days off he gets an extra walk but it will never again be at that park.
I have been enjoying Corky, the dog I adopted, so much that I made a small donation to be a member of the Humane Society. I also decided to donate to the care of a pet who is yet to be adopted. While doing this I thought it might be fun to take Corky to visit and show them how well he is doing. Since it was a nice day all the dogs were in the outside portion of their pens. Not thinking as Corky and I approached the dogs began barking wildly. All of a sudden Corky froze and would not step onto the sidewalk leading to the entrance. I thought this odd since he has never been afraid of other dogs. Then it hit me that he might be afraid I was taking him back. That would never happen and the way the dogs were barking I think now they were warning him to make a break for it. Sorry Corky I did not think.
On the way home I thought we could walk around Moundbuilders Park. He has not been there since he has been with me. There were about 10 cars but no picnic tables in use. I parked away from the other vehicles in my usual way. As we walked Corky led us past the cars following a scent. All were filled with men staring at the outhouse. Hell I did not know the cruise park had changed. Why am I not getting the notices. As we walked I was sadly the youngest, best looking and thinnest man in the park. There are not many places that holds true but at that park I could feel good about me. As a eunuch I am sure I was not the best hung. Still at 6 ft., 248 lbs., 55 years old I was the eye candy. All that I have been through in various forms of sexual abuse I would not have stopped at that park had I known. I also would not like people wondering what I was up to walking around. Like having been recently flashed being hit on would have been uncomfortable.
Well after those two errors in judgment I told Corky we would go home and he could have a bath. I thought I was ready to bathe him without assistance or taking him to a professional groomer. Let us call that idea strike three for the day. I had filled the tub with a few inches of warm water and lowered Corky into the tub. Well he panicked when he could not get his footing in the tub. Finally he was on all fours and I began to apply some water to his back. I went to reach for his shampoo and when I turned back he was gone. Damn he is fast. Of late he has initiated playing hide and seek. He hid behind the magazine rack and against that side of the couch and let out a soft bark so I would look for him. Next he ran under the bed and softly barked. Well as wet as he was I am not really sure where he went to hide. He did not bark so I could not find him.
Corky is now sleeping soundly on my bed. I am sure he is resting up to take me for a long walk. We walk for 1 hour in the morning, 1 1/2 hours around 6 PM and then for 1/2 hour before bed. Of course on days off he gets an extra walk but it will never again be at that park.
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butterflyjack (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Beautiful doggie story Tugone...Is that avatar picture Corky? If so, he's a beagle and my Molly is 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shih tzu (bizarre)..She looks like a long haired, fan tailed beagle...Same black tan brown and white....
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:42 am Beautiful doggie story Tugone...Is that avatar picture Corky? If so, he's a beagle and my Molly is 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shih tzu (bizarre)..She looks like a long haired, fan tailed beagle...Same black tan brown and white....
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
Thanks for your post dragonfly.
Yes that is Corky a beagle mix. He has some hound in him. He has that great deep yelp of a hound.
As a eunuch I am surprised how people from my past can remind me of how I had been. Of course they have no idea of the person I am today. Sadly they think I am still ready to pleasure them. I would at least like to date a man who is employed and could once in a while take me out or buy a flower.
I think I have trouble in todays situation since I was molested young and the man seemed much older. Older men being sexual I find unsettling. I know that is not fair and I cannot figure out any other reason for my reaction. Who knows I am still trying to figure everything out.
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butterflyjack (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Good luck on finding Sir Galahad, Tugone. I don't think it's a stretch to ask for a little human kindness.. At the age of 65, I still don't know what I am...
Crossdresser...Yes.. Loves women..yes...So, what's that? a male lesbian? hehe Works for me...What a bizarre life...dragonfly
Crossdresser...Yes.. Loves women..yes...So, what's that? a male lesbian? hehe Works for me...What a bizarre life...dragonfly
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nullorchis (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Your stories about visiting the dog adoption center and the park made me think about the old saying; You can never go back.
Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.
And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.
So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.
Only in memories.
And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.
Not fair.
We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.
So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.
In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.
And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.
So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.
Only in memories.
And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.
Not fair.
We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.
So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.
In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
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JessJames1968 (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
nullorchis (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:56 pm The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
I think it may be part human nature to focus on the negative in an effort to avoid those scenarios in the future. I suspect it was a survival skill of sorts when the human race was still in the "hunter / gatherer" stage of development.
The problem with that logic is (01) it is no longer totally necessary and (02) that it can tend to bring more of the same feelings and scenarios. Conversely, making the effort, as you mention, to allow the positive be the driving influence will tend to bring more of the positive feelings and scenarios.
Is it possible that part of our lesson for this journey is to change that thought pattern?