Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

When I am walking my dog I am relaxed and often remember memories from the past. I do not know if it is the blood flowing or the fresh air maybe even the silence in the woods but memories come easily.

I remember a time when my grandmother chided me for how I washed my face. I was washing my face like the female models on TV. I remembered I never modeled my father but women on TV. Part of the reason I never modeled my father was my fear of him. Of course now I am wondering if I would have related to him even if he had been kind. When I washed my face I would wash my forehead, cheeks and chin while avoiding my eyes and lips. Now that I think of it the models must have been not wanting to mess their makeup for the commercials.

I also wanted products that were not traditionally for men. I remember wanting a small bottle of Jergen's lotion. I wanted products I saw women using on TV. The products I saw men using were not of much interest. I never watched my father shave or do anything. Of course I was afraid to be in the bathroom with him from previous negative experience.

Today I am happy as an E and did not want to be an M but never wanted to do all the work to transition to an F. I am just interested in the memories of those days where being female seemed more natural. As I have posted before I might have been happier as a female but the drive was never strong enough to transition. The last time the desires were strong was during college when I shared with several friends that I might be female. Of course after I repressed those feelings then I thought I might want to be a priest where I could hide from myself. Then I became a eunuch and was my happiest.

Who knows what I may remember on tomorrow's walk but I look forward to the memories unfolding.

[tugon (imported)]

The smell of death is upon him. I am at the stage of my job as caregiver which I like the least but seem to do well. My client/patient is very near death. His body no longer needs or desires food. Several of his systems are shutting down. Ice water and pain meds are what I give him that he either enjoys or needs.

I observe him for any signs of pain. He has difficulty verbalizing pain or other needs. I am also his advocate when family decides if he would eat he could regain his strength. Then I have to gently remind them that he is beyond the need and benefits of food. If he eats a little they think he is getting better. In my mind I wonder when the time will come when his body rejects food.

Twice now I thought we were at the end. He does have a lot of visitors that I do not see. His conversations with them are more frequent. Even his dog sits and stares at him and whines quietly. Only the dog and I know how close he is or should I say only the dog and I can accept how close he is.

My belief is that life should end as it begins. Cradled by those that love you, all your needs met and be kept as warm and comfortable as possible. That will be my goal in the coming days. Then when no longer needed I will pull out my Mary Poppin's like umbrella and float to who needs me next. I will miss this gentle man.

[tugon (imported)]

I had a wonderful dream last night. Part of the dream was crazy since people were stopping by for me to help them with musical arrangements. I could no more arrange music than fly to the moon. In the dream I knew I was pretending I could do it. All of a sudden the incredible young man who I was so in love with walked in to surprise me. I was very excited to see him and wanted to throw those people out of my office. In reality he is dead but in the dream he was young and vibrant.

This was truly a dream and not the experiences of years ago when he would visit after his death. This was just remembering him in a more focused way as supplied by the subconcious. I would like one of the more physical visits we used to have but this dream was nice. I was so incredibly happy to see him again. He could always make me swoon.

Of course since I have awakened I have had a good cry. I had not cried in too long a time so I needed it. So I went from a very sweet dream to a day full of memories. 36 years later and he is still in my thoughts and dreams. For me there has never been another like him.

I wanted to add that it was interesting remembering what he was like and what I was like in those days. A time before castration fantasies and rape. I had questioned my gender already but knew I would stay male. The days when I still had hope of love. Oh and I had someone to love.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Tugon I recently read through this thread from the beginning and just wanted to say how moved and touched I was by your story. I feel as if I know you after reading it. You've been through so much and yet seem so at peace with yourself. You are so courageous to bare your soul as you have and I admire you for that. I too am a no-T eunuch and was castrated for similar reasons as yourself. I am happy that your eunuch experience has been so positive. Thank you for sharing your life, your struggles and your triumphs. Oh, and don't give up the hope of love. It's never too late to find your soulmate.

Big hugs,

EunuchAusTX

[tugon (imported)]

Tugon I recently read through this thread from the beginning and just wanted to say how moved and touched I was by your story. I feel as if I know you after reading it. You've been through so much and yet seem so at peace with yourself. You are so courageous to bare your soul as you have and I admire you for that. I too am a no-T eunuch and was castrated for similar reasons as yourself. I am happy that your eunuch experience has been so positive. Thank you for sharing your life, your struggles and your triumphs. Oh, and don't give up the hope of love. It's never too late to find your soulmate.

Big hugs,

EunuchAusTX

Thanks EunuchAusTX for your kind words. My life is truly much better than I ever thought it could be. Even if I do not find romantic love I am surrounded by and give much love. If I could I would give you a big I would for reading through all of my thread. I am glad you are writing about your own journey.

[tugon (imported)]

While sitting at my kitchen counter I was eating a bologna sandwich and a cup of coffee. The bleakness of the meal matched my mood and the day. Hours before I was dressed in a suit and attended a funeral. Of course it has been raining all day much like the tears of us in attendance. The gentleman in my care passed away Sunday evening surrounded by family. I hope to never see a once very strong man so emaciated by cancer and in constant pain. One of his cancers was bone cancer and when he needed to be turned we would ask ourselves are we breaking his bones?

He was the type of man that when his parents divorced and his father remarried he left home for room and board on a farm. Since he did not like her at 14 years of age he knew what he needed to do. When he was of age and with WWII raging he joined the Navy. He came home from the war and met his wife at a dance hall. He was considered the best dancer and his wife had a coin toss with her friend to see who got to dance with him. They danced for the better part of 64 years.

I have a lot of respect for him. He was everything my father was not. Just a hard working man that took care of his family and protected them. I said my goodbyes to him when last I worked and today we had the big send off. Sir I am glad I got to know you.

[tugon (imported)]

I hope the black suit can remain in the closet for a little while now. Saturday was another funeral I needed to attend. My sisters spousal equivalent of 20+ years mother passed. She was 91 and had been failing for several months.

Funerals are so strange to me. I believe in the continuation of the spirit after death but then they bring religion into it. I have always wondered what is next and so am mildly amused at those who speak with such assurance. You will be in the arms of god. Whose arms if there is not a god?

One of the readings from the Old Tetament spoke of a woman who worked all day and evening tending to the household and all related duties. The husband went down to the village gate to sit with the elders. I thought bullshit they needed to divide the chores. What a patriarchal book. Once you see much of the bible for what it is it becomes difficult to sit and listen to it. So I took a nap.

Of course having social anxiety I tend to become humorous. Yes I tell jokes at funerals. I am not nearly as out of control as Mary was when Chuckles the Clown died. Someone commented on my dog, who wisely stayed home, and I had to mention "yeah if I wanted something young to sit in my lap and lick my face I needed a dog". That one is always a crowd pleaser. A few more jokes and a few more laughs. The only way to get more attention at a funeral is to be the one in the box.

Oh and in case anyone is curious no she did not look like she was sleeping. She looked like death with a lot of makeup. My ass, well all of me actually, is going into the oven. I have given orders not to display me and no pictures unless the ones from the time where I had lost weight and was working out. Or the picture when I jumped in the shorter security line at the airport. I am sure a full body scan would look nice life size. People will either realize I am a eunuch or think I travel in winter and it was damn cold.

Wishing for a month free of funerals or a younger crowd to hang around.

[tugon (imported)]

I saw a preview for a Super Hero movie and I suddenly remembered my love of comics when I was young. Batman and Robin, Superman, Green Lantern, Flash were some of my favorites. TV shows such as Superman, Batman and Robin, and the Green Hornet kept me glued to the set. Yes I wanted to be a Super Hero with an alternate personality. Even as a kid I did not want people to know of the good things I might do. Sadly I never developed any of those powers.

My dreams as a Super Hero was to protect women and children. Of course I know the motivation of that today. I of course would fight crime but I would not let children or women be harmed. Having a Bat Cave under the house would have been awesome. Of course today I would fly out of the cave in my 2001 Toyota Echo, overweight and short of breath when I confronted the criminal.

I guess I have always liked taking care of people. Maybe that is why I am in healthcare. I cannot protect anyone but I can make their final days comfortable. Remembering back to the days of comics my dreams never came true. Which is just as well I do not think they make tights in my size.

[frisbee queen (imported)]

You are truly an inspiration to anyone who reads your messages. Do not despair, you give many of us hope. Godspeed, my friend.

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you Frisbee Queen for the kind words.

I have to admit to fully bonding with my dog. Unlike most people I am so anxious to get home and spend time with him. I enjoy our walks and seeing the world through his eyes. We also enjoy chasing rabbits. So it was very tough last Wednesday when I dropped him off for surgery.

Nothing serious but he had a cyst that had been drained twice. I noticed while walking with him that the skin looked red over the cyst. I moved some fur out of the way and noticed the skin over the cyst was getting ugly. Off to the vet he went. Surgery went well and they glued the incision closed. He is doing well.

I, on the other hand, have been a nut. I keep checking the incision many times a day and have been having so much anxiety. The only thing I can think of is the problems I had with healing after both the failed and successful attempts at castration. I remember checking out myself many times a day hoping I would heal soon. I was so glad when the drainage finally stopped. I had nightmares for several years that I would be some place important when all of a sudden drainage would gush from my scrotum in front of many people.

Corky has had no drainage or any other problems. Of course that does not keep me from keeping an eye on his surgery site. I check it out in different lights and even use my mag-lite to check the healing. Since it is on the back of his neck each move of the head makes it look a little different. I know he is well on his way to being fully healed but I am looking forward to the day he is and the fur grows back.

Well in less than 2 hours I will be home. As always there will be a lot of jumping around and kisses. Corky will also be happy to see me. Then my evening of checking and rechecking his incision will begin.

[tugon (imported)]

Let it be known that I do not like draining incisions. I learned early on that my dog does not like to be splashed or sprayed. Therefore we both were quite surprised Wednesday evening, one week after his surgery, when he came running out of his bedroom in a panic. He was trying to get away from himself. I first noticed drops of fluid on his ears. I thought did the roof give way? Did he stick his head in the toilet? I went into his room to see what had been going on.

Oh the carpet was wet and I would recognize that pink tinge anywhere. Called Corky and found his back was also wet. Sure enough all the serosanguineous fluid that had filled the void left by the removal of the cyst decided to volcanically erupt from his neck. I cleaned the dog, the carpet and poured a glass of wine to better enjoy my panic. I had to remind myself that ridding himself of the fluid is a step towards healing. I had dealt enough with my own drainage and knew it would stop. Yes I needed to be held.

Thursday morning I called the Vet's office at 8 AM sharp. I finally reached someone at 8:05 AM. In my rather excited state I was going to ask who overslept this morning? They could tell I was a little worried and enjoyed my bouncing from logical medical person to a dad having a panic attack. They would see us at noon so I hung up and called a co-worker to come in and finish my shift.

Once in the office a tech came over and said he is healing nicely. Then we were taken back into the exam. The Vet cleaned his incision site and he also felt it was healing well. He suggested some warm compresses to increase blood flow which will promote healing. He also recommended periodic cleaning with antibacterial soap. Today I need to wash a load of washcloths and hand towels.

Corky normally sees the other Vet in the office, Dr. Peggy, but she was not working that day. We had seen the male vet once before when Corky had a back strain. I had noticed that he is rather attractive but he was so kind, reassuring and comforting that in his blue scrubs he looked like a superhero. Oh and I was super crushing on him. From where did those feelings come? I so wanted to show my appreciation.

Today things are looking better and I decided to stop the washes and warm compresses. He has some good scabbing and I did not want to soften them with water. I was also concerned that if I did not rinse the soap well it might cause itching and I did not want him to scratch that area. Taking care of my dog makes me wonder how people survive raising children. At least I will not have to teach Corky to drive.

[tugon (imported)]

I would love to find a good doctor. Or should I say I wish I had less issues when going to the doctor. Is it him or is it me? Of course out of all the men he sees in his practice how would he ever think I am the way I am. Today started normally for me in that he noticed a slight weight gain when I had been losing. I explained I stress ate cookies while my client died a slow painful death from bone cancer. Old people seem to always have cookies. I was rewarded with that look of disdain. I was then reminded I needed to take care of myself.

Standard appointment so far as he checked my lungs, bowel sounds and palpated my abdomen. Next he did foot checks for neuropathy and signs of progressing diabetes as it affects circulation. Commented that I no longer had the ankles of a ballerina with the swelling I have occasionally. As I was sitting on the exam table he asked about previous surgeries other than my tonsilectomy and my orchiectomy. I did not know that made my chart. He asked me to stand up, grabbed the rubber glove and told me to drop my pants for a hernia check.

I was just getting over the surprise of the mention of my orchiectomy when I went into panic mode about dropping my pants. For someone who spent an inordinate amount of time with my pants around my ankles it sure is tough these days. There I was clutching my belt buckle, tears forming in my eyes and my voice cracking when I admitted I could not drop my pants. I was like a little kid and said I had been abused. I wish I could respond more adult like and say everything is fine down there and I would prefer not. Or if he had told me last time and I knew it was going to happen. Instead I am this small scared little kid.

Thinking of his advice about dieting and tips to control my diabetes and remembering that feeling of panic I drove and bought myself the largest cone of vanilla soft serve and now I feel better.

[tugon (imported)]

I hate the phone calls where the person on the other end feels they need to yell at you. This past Tuesday I received one of these yelling assaults from the duaghter of the person to whom I provide care. When I was in management at a hospital my director and VP thought nothing of leaving me awful messages. Later when they find out they were wrong the apology never came. I am sure in this latest instance an apology will never come.

What started it all was her mother who was concerned about a raised egg shaped hematoma on her leg. The size remained much the same over a week. I was due to take her to the office for a repeat lab draw. My client mentioned that she would like the doctor to look at it again. The nurse came into look at it and was surprised to find nothing was charted. The doctor came in next and this time measured it and told us it would be weeks before it would be reabsorbed. My client felt better. I stopped and got her an ice cream cone and we picked up a new prescription.

Thinking I had a good day well at least until I answered my phone. The daughter wanted to know why her mother was at the doctor's so late and I explained her mom was concerned about her leg. She yelled I just had her at the doctor's and we knew it would be weeks or months for it to be reabsorbed. I mentioned I was not given report so I did not have that knowlege to help her mother feel better. She went on that I had wasted the nurse and doctor's time. I was told I created a greater expense since her insurance had changed after her husbands death. I reminded her I was never privy to that information. When I am angry on the phone I become precise in my speech and very cold.

The daughter called the next day to tell her mother she can make her own appointments and arrange her transportation. The daughter is an LPN and her medical power of attorney. I think we will do better with her letting us do what needs to be done.

My next bitch of the week is people who say they want to do something nice for you and it never happens. If you want to do something nice just do it. The surprise would be nice. As a small child we would often get ready for an exciting day because our father was going to take us somewhere. There we were four children all ready to go and guess who never showed up. We eventually stopped falling for it. It even became a source of humor inthe family and we called dad the heartbreak kid.

My neighbors, while on vacation, received a gift of Omaha Steaks. We were having a heat wave and the container was not shielded from the sun. I had the rental office call them to check when they would be home. I had the rental office staff tell them I could not fit the foam container in my freezer but I can open it and store the individual boxes. They would be fine with my storing them. "Oh we would like to do something nice for you for helping us out". "How about a bottle of wine"? and I said "oh you do not have to do anything" and they said "oh but we want to thank you". I mentioned I liked Chardonnay and I would be very thirsty if I was still waiting on their thank you. Maybe we are not supposed to follow through it is just the thought that counts. I thought about giving you a bottle of wine so that is enough.

I sent a member of an audio site a pair of cables that did not work in my sytem. He was quite pleased with them and insisted in sending me money even after I told him I had them too long to return for a refund. Several times he told me the check was in the mail. It happens in relationships and friendships. I just have to figure why I get excited that somene wants to do something for me when it rarely happens. Thanks to all those who ever did what they say they would.

I do not want to be yelled at or promised at anymore.

[transward (imported)]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,

You will spend your entire life upset

Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

[tugon (imported)]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,

You will spend your entire life upset

Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

Yes I know there are a high number of assholes. I was just surprised to find out that she was their queen. I have given a lot to the family in the care I provided to their father who has since passed. I am now helping with the mother who is the most manipulative person I have yet to meet. The mother makes her children crazy and they know what I deal with on a daly basis. So when daughter number one calls yelling I wonder how she thinks I deserve it.

I just find it interesting how people who would not normally yell at another person feels quite safe in doing it to me. What do I project that sends the message "oh do say whatever you want in any manner you want". I have seen very nice people not be nice to me. Even my own mother when she was alive would say terrible things to me when it was just she and I. Things my own siblings could not believe she would say. I want to break this life long pattern of whatever I do that gives people the permission to be ugly with me. I am not talking about unimportant people I pass by but friends, family and people with whom I have longterm working relationships. Do I have an invisible kick me sign?

Oh well maybe tonight I may get to enjoy that promised bottle of wine. LOL Or better yet I will buy a bottle on the way home from work.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

[tugon (imported)]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

Thanks Jackie but I am not sure if I am too nice. I think what I have figured out is I am a people pleaser. Hi my name is tugon and I am a people pleaser. I have been thinking of late that it is not a very assertive role. I think it started in childhood and stuck for me. Much of it stems from being gay and fearing rejection by my family. I think my immature thinking at the time was if they need me enough they will not reject me. As unkind as they could be that might not have been all bad to have been rejected. When I started in the work world and did not want my secret to be discovered I would work twice as hard as anyone else. It did not always work since I was fired from one job for being gay. The manager bragged the next day that he got rid of the fag.

I guess all the people who told me I need to be more assertive were correct. I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

Just try and don't be afraid to make mistakes (that is pleasing!). There are no mistakes. As long as we live we all have to learn, not only you but also all the people we meet. Our only judge in this proces are we self. Be a nice judge to yourself.

[tugon (imported)]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

[transward (imported)]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

[tugon (imported)]

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

Thanks for your suggestions.

I am not sure if it is important to be in a gay friendly city more than just being out of this one. I have so much negative history here and it does not take much to cause me to run paranoid into the night. I need to live somewhere so that the ring of a doorbell does not trigger fear or start flashbacks for me. If I do move, of course, I take me and my issues along.

[tugon (imported)]

In my life there have been certain places that have been comforting to me. My home, Quebec City and Paris, France. Recently I visited Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water. I am not sure I would be comfortable in one of Frank's home.

I also wanted to try photobucket. So here are some of my pictures.

http://s1343.beta.photobucket.com/user/ ... 6134762125

[Paolo]

Very nice, thank you for sharing!

[tugon (imported)]

As my pictures might indicate my interests are interior design and travel photography. I wish I could travel more. I also wish I had a larger design budget.

As a eunuch I am at home more so I need a visually pleasing space. Time away is spent at work or out walking my dog. Oh and I need a new settee to replace my loveseat. My apartment is a work in progress.

My travel pictures are from Paris and Quebec City. Two of my favorite cities and I would revisit them more often if the funds allowed. I would also like to hit the road in a small motor home with my dog and cameras. I recently met a friend in Pittsburgh and we travelled to Falling Water. I had a great time but I missed my dog so much. Travel without my Corky is not much fun.

The other morning Corky and I were out walking when I wish I had my cameras. Two deer, a young buck and doe, were doing their mating dance. They ran together in a circle and then stopped and pranced for a few steps before running in a circle again. Corky and I watched them for about 20 minutes before we continued our walk. Sorry Mitt but two deers doing their mating dance is more interesting than dredge.

I will be adding more pictures if anyone is interested.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I agree that Falling Water is a beautiful bit of art but I can't picture living there comfortably. --FLO--