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E-Day+1

graylayer02 (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:49 pm My thermal regulation improved within hours. I'm no longer sweating all the time, and cool weather feels cool.

Whoah, hot flashes. I take that comment back.

My clothes smell like girl after that though, which is nice.

E-Day plus 6.

Nothing really new to report. My initial impressions were confirmed--I LOVE estrogen. My mood is a lot more balanced. These patches start to act funny after a few days though.

It feels like the good parts of the 'old me' (sense of adventure, sense of humor, energy) are back but not with the bad parts (aggression, serious mood swings, being 'all over the place' even more).

It's nice not to worry about obtaining E anymore. I can be patient for a while, let it do its work, and concentrate on life.

My coffee consumption is way down and I drink less wine already. Chocolate tastes as good as ever.

Another laser session this evening. This is getting old, fast.

In general, the sun is shining on me. Plus, literally, the sun is shining on me. (Not always good--laser and suntans hate each other.)

Cheerio,

-GL

Hi y'all,

So I've boyfailed twice this week. And I suddenly have A cups and my face is already much fuller. Seriously. (I have witnesses as to the latter.)

Yesterday a group of guys walked past me on the street. I was in full-on guy mode. One of them said to the others, "That's a guy." The others: "Nööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö."

Emotionally, no contest. E is niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice and I'm all smiles and giggles.

My sex drive has been getting rewired. I'm basically bi (or pan) now. This does NOT mean that I develop sexual attraction toward kitchenware, but rather that I am attracted to people of more than two genders. And this is very much like a puberty, where I find myself attracted to random people from whom I draw some kind of vibe.

These hormones are acting VERY quickly on me. It might be because there was nothing there before, and so I don't have to go through the usual wait as testosterone works its way out of my system and estrogen into my system. Either way, the conference circuit in the coming months might get interesting. It's looking like full-time later this year.

Girl becoming in progress:) sounds good that the mood is finding a home.....

Yep. I'm at a point where people don't recognize me in girl mode, despite my having gong out with these same people in girl mode 3 weeks ago. I get far more weird looks in guy mode than in girl mode. Now to somehow miraculously work on my voice, which is stuck at 'construction worker'.

Other than that, I'm letting things remain on autopilot for the next few months before I move on to my next big subproject.

I'm going to scale down my involvement here again.

Hi all,

Letting you know I'm still around. I'm coming up on the 4 month anniversary of hormones. At this point I don't pass as either major gender in any systematic kind of way. It's been nice to sort of sit back and let this happen. Going forward, I'm sort of scrambling to improve my clothes and voice and overall presentation (plus documentation--a huge headache) so that I can make the changeover official. I have gotten my voice to improve somewhat; it's gone from 'construction worker' to 'fem guy'. My overall presentation and physical appearance get me 'clocked' a lot but I don't get much overt harrassment. People seem to take my sort of androgynous-femme thing in stride so long as I project confidence.

With E, I find that my body and mind function together a lot better than they used to. I've heard the analogy of being in a pre-transition state as like trying to run Windows on a Mac--it can be done but it ain't pretty. I agree with this analogy. I do think that hormones and whatnot should be more easily available than they are, without requirements as to gender presentation. The German standards of care are particularly horrific--one year of 'real life test' before even beginning hormones--and with having to maintain the wrong name at that. This was not possible for me; while my own way of going about things was rather nonlinear, I had to do what I had to do. I still don't entirely identify with the gender binary or the linear trans narrative, but I do know which side of the gender binary I'd rather be seen as residing on.

I'm guardedly optimistic about the future. There's a LOT that can go wrong in the future but a lot that can go right.

Hey Graylayer, glad to see you back among the eunuchs, your sense humour and prose are a welcome tonic.

And, I'm full-time now as a woman. That was easy.

A quick note on going full-time.

Within about ten seconds from starting hormones this past June, I began to feel better. The dysphoria--the increasingly horrible attacks of self-hatred, of wanting to jump out from my body, or of my body wanting to jump out from me--vanished. I often had dreams during this period where I was being chased by a dragon. If I summoned the wherewithal to wake up, I could end the dream and wake up in reality. The dragon chasing me would vanish, and I would wake up a bit dazed but alive. Nothing a shower and coffee couldn't solve.

The beginning of the end of the middle of my transition was exactly like that. Waking up after a bad dream.

Within a week of starting hormones, I was noticing physical effects. Things were beginning to reconfigure yet again, after they had reconfigured the first and second and third and fourth times. I traveled quite a bit over the summer; after the travel ended, I returned home and lost about 5 unwanted kilos. I continued laser hair removal, growing my hair out, working on my voice.

My coworkers figured out by this point what was up. Coming out to them was the most anticlimactic thing since the Cubs last lost a playoff game. I quickly lost the ability to 'pass' as male. When I was checking into a hotel under my legal (male) name, under a male presentation, I was ma'amed the entire time. They even apologized for the 'typo' involving the Mr. in front of my name. Every time I was sighted in the men's room in airports or at conferences, the men would run out in panic.

Some people began to think that my eyes have migrated about a foot downward, that I had no understanding of how airports work, and that I couldn't possibly be able to lift a 12-pound bag. If I'd pass them on my bike, their penis would fall off. If I had known this, I would have found a much more efficient way to get rid of my penis a few years ago.

I even began to get catcalled. "Hey, that was sexist. Wait, that was sexist. Cool, that was sexist."

This sort of stuff turns one into an instant feminist of a sort.

What with my increasing inability to present as male, I made plans to go full-time. My inner monologue had switched over to female names and pronouns well over a year ago. I informed all of the important people in my life, pushed the androgyny yet further (eyeliner at work!), flew to the US once to file the name change paperwork, and again flew here two weeks ago to defend it. By this time I was being read as so not-male that I had at least three major altercations with airline and airport officials who thought that I had stolen some guy's boarding pass and passport.

As of last week, I legally exist. I have no reason to present as male anymore. Maybe if I need some more facial hair removed (likely given how regrowth works) I can 'downgrade' to something androgynous, but this craptacular charade of being a man is over.

The nightmare is over.

I pretty much knew all along that this would happen at some point So do you actually identify as female now, or are you just presenting that way because it is easier? I know in the past you have mentioned not identifying with either gender, so that is why I'm wondering. In any case, I am glad that you have found where you are supposed to be!

Y

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:52 am ou have come a very long way since

the time we met in Chicago last Christmas. You've reached this point by your continuing persistence in getting past what, at times I think, seemed like nearly insurmountable barriers to becoming...you. I am very happy for you!

Y

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 31, 2013 1:34 am 7490720]
ou have come a very long way since

the time we met in Chicago last Christmas. You've reached this point by your continuing persistence in getting past what, at times I think, seemed like nearly insurmountable
[/quote]
barriers to becoming...you. I am very happy for you!

Gracias beaucoup, Frau Danya. You were one of those people who was there for me during the worst.

Events sort of forced my hand, I think. The whole time I felt like I was one step ahead of assured destruction. That feeling has finally passed, so to speak.

plix (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2013 1:35 am I pretty much knew all along that this would happen at some point So do you actually identify as female now, or are you just presenting that way because it is easier? I know in the past you have mentioned not identifying with either gender, so that is why I'm wondering. In any case, I am glad that you have found where you are supposed to be!

You did? I seem to have taken almost everybody else by surprise. What was it that made you think that I would make this change?

It's weird. I don't think of myself as different than I was a year or two years or five years ago. I still don't identify with the gender binary. But if we relax the (false) binary definition of what it means to be male or female or something else, then it's clear to me that I'd rather move throughout the world perceived as female. It's also clear to me that my body works better for me when it's running on estrogen and that I have sort of reached a point where people perceive me more as female somewhat by default.

So to answer your question, I consider myself "a woman, I guess, for most practical purposes". That works for me.

Quick update here.

I've now been full-time for close to 3 months. Very little has happened of note. When people think of trans things, they think of something sensational. For me it's mostly going to work, doing my shopping, and dealing with bureaucracy and the occasional residual medical thing.

I have gotten my morning makeup routine down to a minimalistic 15-minute job, thanks to the hair removal kicking in.

My voice is in a sort of upper-androgynous range that kind of works in person. It sounds weird over the phone. I'm still working on it.

I almost never get referred to as 'he' although there might have been the one time I got 'he'd last week when I presented butch on my way to laser.

Naja. Everything is in order here. So this is what living feels like.

6 mo post name change here.

Honestly, there isn't really much new to report. For once in my life, things seem to be going well. All of the transphobic abuse at work? Never happened. Being beaten up on the street? Nope. In fact, people seem to respond better to me now, for the most part. It's THAT much of an improvement.

Sounds great...another girl to be and it looks like you are happy beeing on the female side of life

Update, in no particular order.

Things gender-wise are better than ever. It's like a switch 'flipped' about half a year ago, and my background anxiety levels went down considerably. Yay estrogen!

A proper vagina would be nice, but it's not a top priority.

Boob growth continues. This is also nicer than expected.

These days I'd say I get read as 80% female, 18% "huh?", and 2% full-on male.

Also, the relationship I have now is great. That helps.

Voice training is hard! I don't identify entirely as female (sort of non-binary transfeminine if you're getting technical, but "female" is a good first-order approximation). I seem to have gotten my voice up into androgynous-land at least.

Sorry if I haven't been posting much lately, but my attention has turned toward other things. I finally seem to be in a good place with the whole gender thing.

I would like one day becoming myself too. I´ve started with something. Money is the limiting factor for reach my goals.

I'm very glad to hear you've found a comfortable place in life. Do keep in touch, it helps those folks that are still working with transitions to know others have had success with theirs.

If I'm ever in your area, I'd be happy to drop by and say hello.

--LT

You rock, entirely.

Do keep in touch, even if you end up more than a Ryanair away x C x

@freddyde: Why wait? You can make small changes incrementally (though in Germany the gatekeeping is very strict for most medical interventions--I had to DIY a few things). E.g., you can do beard removal, grow your hair out, or play with your gender presentation in bits and pieces (pun intended). Drag is also an option, if that's your thing. (It wasn't mine.) In fact, if there is one pattern that I have noticed, it's that people who adopt a gradualist approach seem to have relatively fewer problems going forward. That's because there's a lot of trial and error in figuring out what's right for you. For me it turned out to be slightly different jeans and sweaters than before, but for others there can be bigger changes.

@losethem: As the Germans say, selbstverständlich.

@Tiamat: Likewise.

Also, I just realized the key to getting better service in restaurants: Wearing my hair down.

graylayer02 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:00 am @freddyde: Why wait? You can make small changes incrementally (though in Germany the gatekeeping is very strict for most medical interventions--I had to DIY a few things). E.g., you can do beard removal, grow your hair out, or play with your gender presentation in bits and pieces (pun intended). Drag is also an option, if that's your thing. (It wasn't mine.) In fact, if there is one pattern that I have noticed, it's that people who adopt a gradualist approach seem to have relatively fewer problems going forward. That's because there's a lot of trial and error in figuring out what's right for you. For me it turned out to be slightly different jeans and sweaters than before, but for others there can be bigger changes.

Thanks for your words. Actually I made a big step the last year when I announced to my family my true orientation. Little by little They is going to accepting me. From then little changes have occurred almost Without I´m really realising. The second step was chemical castration. I´ve done a different hairstyle. did my nails inconspicuously . My behaviour towards others have changed too. Now I´m more delicated and smiling. Male attitude has diminished. I think that It´s caused by antiandrogens but I think also that It´s because my mind is changing into who I am really.

....

Frida G Cavic (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:37 am I think that It´s caused by antiandrogens but I think also that It´s because my mind is changing into who I am really.

Tal vez no sea la castración química misma que hace la diferencia, sino por fin ser cómodo siendo quien usted es.

Best wishes.

Sandi

Gracias Sandi!

Efectivamente, pienso lo mismo, los antiandrógenos me han ayudado, pero soy yo mismo el que se ha estado redescubriendo!

Desafortunadamente en mi localidad y en general en mi pais una cultura machista y de discriminación prevalece, obstaculizando las oportunidades para la diversidad de género llámese transgéneros, homosexuales, eunucos etc.

Aun así sé que con pequeños cambios saldremos adelante

Bendiciones!:)

I know, long time no update, but I've been busy in a good way. I got married; there's been a lot of travel for work and fun (including India!); and there is the chance that we'll be moving (for work) within the next 1-2 years. Sorry, but my wife is more of a priority than posting here.

Nothing new to report on the gender front. It's like things simply 'clicked' psychologically sometime in August 2014 and have gone wonderfully since then. The past two years have been remarkable, and now I have someone wonderful to share a future with.

The only things I miss: being able to stand up to pee in a sticky situation (like a Soviet bloc public toilet), and being able to travel in weird countries without worrying about sexual harassment. (I'm looking at you, Morocco.) And not worrying about my weight (in the land of chocolate). Apart from those things, most things are significantly better now.

My super-power: being a woman above the age of 35, I have a secret power of invisibility.

Oh, and I want ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE!

To my total surprise, I don't really get sir'd all that much anymore. I thought that I was just too manly to make it (in a bearable way). Nope. I've heard from multiple people that they were relieved when I came out and made the changeover, because it gave them something binary-ish to peg me as, which is a bit messed up, but those cis people are weird, aren't they?