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Danya and EricaAnn the three of us could have much fun in Paris. Of course I would be the thorn between two roses.

No my friend, you would be the sweetheart between two roses.

I agree with Erica Ann. I hope you take lots of photos to share.

Hope you have the time of your life!

Hugs,

Danya

I am only ten days from following my dream. This will be my biggest adventure. This is just about me and what I want to do. I know I have mentioned this before because of what this represents for me. The healing, the adventure and the freedom from fear. A far cry from my precastration days.

My friends who loved Paris say Paris will change me. I am looking forward to the joie de vivre. Paris has always represented the center of culture in art, cuisine and fashion (which I do not follow). All the expatriates who called Paris home is of interest to me. Writers, musicians and people of color found acceptance in Paris. Nina Simone one of my favorite singers found a life in France.

This will be a time to learn about me. I will be away from any preconceived ideas about me. As I look at art and discover a new culture I can think about me and my place in the world. I will leave the negative words I have heard in the past. I guess to simplify, this trip will define me. I find a new happiness each day and I think Paris will certainly add to it.

I will be keeping a log of my experiences. I wish I had kept a log of my castration experiences. I am not sure why but I think this trip will be as important as my castration was to me.

Time for my life's adventures to begin.

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 18, 2010 2:12 pm I am only ten days from following my dream. This will be my biggest adventure. This is just about me and what I want to do. I know I have mentioned this before because of what this represents for me. The healing, the adventure and the freedom from fear. A far cry from my precastration days.

I am so happy for you, Tugon, and I know you will make the most of every moment of your trip.

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 18, 2010 2:12 pm My friends who loved Paris say Paris will change me. I am looking forward to the joie de vivre. Paris has always represented the center of culture in art, cuisine and fashion (which I do not follow). All the expatriates who called Paris home is of interest to me. Writers, musicians and people of color found acceptance in Paris. Nina Simone one of my favorite singers found a life in France.

This will be a time to learn about me. I will be away from any preconceived ideas about me. As I look at art and discover a new culture I can think about me and my place in the world. I will leave the negative words I have heard in the past. I guess to simplify, this trip will define me. I find a new happiness each day and I think Paris will certainly add to it.

I will

probably never have the chance to visit Paris, but I have read a lot about it. Knowing you, I am certain you will have a terrific time experiencing the many wonderful things the city has to offer. It is never too late to learn more about who we really are. I am glad you are giving yourself this gift.

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 18, 2010 2:12 pm I will be keeping a log of my experiences. I wish I had kept a log of my castration experiences. I am not sure why but I think this trip will be as important as my castration was to me.

Time for my life's adventures to begin.

I can hardly wait to read all about it!

Hugs,

Danya

Tugon,

I am excited for you. I hear enthusiasm for life in your writing, and that is a good thing to hear.

I know you are into photography, and so do take pictures. However (as I have learned in my life), the camera-made image is not as important as the mental images that you will also be collecting. Take time along the way to see, hear, touch, smell and "feel" the real Paris and Parisians. For instance, while riding the subway, experience the impersonal closeness of others and their diversity; while sitting at a sidewalk cafe for coffee, tea, a meal, whatever, smell the aromas of the food; stop and listen to the sidewalk musicians, really listen and watch their expressions and dress and body language, etc.

What I am trying to say here is not to look at and record what you are seeing, but rather experience the moment for what it really is. I say this because I believe there are some similarities in our approaches to travel, with the difference being that I have a few decades and many travels more to have had the opportunity/growth now to approach things differently. For me, the real value that I cherish comes from having been involved in rather than just looking at things. Decades ago I used to schedule exhaustive itineraries so as not to miss anything; now I experience what I can and know that there is more that I won't see on that particular trip. For instance, several years ago I sat for the longest time at the opera house in Manaus (Brazil) thinking about all of the world class singers who journeyed there to perform in such a magnificent facility. And then you may also find that you start traveling more (not necessarily internationally) and having wonderful growth experiences.

I feel like I am becoming preachy here, and so I'll close with "buen viaje" but do travel safely (no Rolex watches, wallet in an inside pocket, etc.).

BB

I have to agree with this. Too many people spend far too much time looking at the world through the viewfinder of their cameras, ostensibly to record the experience so they will remember it later. The trouble is, when you do that, all you remember of the amazing things you see, will be trying to line up the perfect shot through the viewfinder of the camera.

By all means, take picture, but remember that first and foremost, you are there. Live it, experience it, see all that you can through your own eyes. By all means take pictures, but the best way to remember your trip is by living it while you're there, not by trying to pin it under glass for later examination.

I recommend, as a cafe resturant to sit and watch people go by and have a nice lunch of a salade composée and a little jug of wine, Les Marronniers,‎ 18 Rue des Archives, 75004. Near the Hotel de Ville and in the nearest Paris has to a gay village...

I agree with Budley Bare and TheOtherSide to fully experience Paris. One of the reasons I will only be in Paris is due to my limited time for vacation. I am often asked where else I willl be going in Europe. I have been reading much and talking with friends who have stayed in Paris for an extended time about true Parisian experiences and not just the tourist traps.

I look forward to experiencing the cuisine, shopping in the stores and having a glass of wine in a sidewalk cafe and people watching. I look forward to getting lost in the city and making some great discoveries while I wander. I will visit places and think about the incredible age of the city and it's history. A friend was impressed with Notre Dame for the scent and sense of age about the church.

I do plan on letting my no T heightened senses full reign to enjoy the trip. I have some ideas of what I want to do but no rigid itinerary. I will be following my whims and exploring what might catch my attention. Since I am travelling alone there will be not time spent debating what we should do next. If I do not have a grand time in whatever I do it can only be my fault.

I think I have the security covered with a travel wallet that I will wear on a strap around my neck and under a shirt. No Rolex watch to be concerned about. I do have an international data plan on my phone to let everyone know I arrived safely in Paris.

Thank you both for your advice and shared experiences. Much appreciated.

Danya (imported) wrote: Wed May 19, 2010 1:20 pm I am so happy for you, Tugon, and I know you will make the most of every moment of your trip.

I will probably never have the chance to visit Paris, but I have read a lot about it. Knowing you, I am certain you will have a terrific time experiencing the many wonderful things the city has to offer. It is never too late to learn more about who we really are. I am glad you are giving yourself this gift.

I can hardly wait to read all about it!

Hugs,

Danya

Thank you Danya for the encouragement. I look forward to walking the streets of a city that has held my imagination for so long. In french class I remember the movies we would watch to hear the language spoken correctly. I always imagined walking the streets and being fluent in french. Knowing that writers and musicians found acceptance and a life without judgement made me even more interested in the city. As a child I dreamt of living on a space station and in my later teens I wanted to live in Paris. During the dark years I would dream of an escape to Paris. Oddly now that my life is much happier and more stable I am now going to Paris. I think at this age and stage of life I will truly enjoy this adventure.

Origen (imported) wrote: Wed May 19, 2010 8:16 pm I recommend, as a cafe resturant to sit and watch people go by and have a nice lunch of a salade composée and a little jug of wine, Les Marronniers,‎ 18 Rue des Archives, 75004. Near the Hotel de Ville and in the nearest Paris has to a gay village...

Thanks for the suggestion. I will add this to my log of recommended places to visit. So many have given me many good ideas that the volcano may need to delay my return.

I'm a Brit, not a Frog. And it's been half a century since I visited Paris. So I can't tell you where to go or what to see there.

But I did have a French wife for about 20 years. She was from Vendee (the west of France, where they fought against the Revolution) and I did get sort of indoctrinated into the Royalist, anti-Revolutionary attitude!

In Paris, you'll only get the Communard view of France. This quasi-communist outlook took hold in the capital, and in the industrial centres, and things remained like that from the end of the 18th century until, well, until now.

But out in the more rural areas there was - and still remains - a different view on life.

OK, they know they can't fight against 'La Republique'. But they maintain a lovely way of life that is so very French!

If you can, get out of the capital! The real French people aren't the ones you meet in Paris!

Old Greebo (imported) wrote: Thu May 20, 2010 8:46 am I'm a Brit, not a Frog. And it's been half a century since I visited Paris. So I can't tell you where to go or what to see there.

But I did have a French wife for about 20 years. She was from Vendee (the west of France, where they fought against the Revolution) and I did get sort of indoctrinated into the Royalist, anti-Revolutionary attitude!

In Paris, you'll only get the Communard view of France. This quasi-communist outlook took hold in the capital, and in the industrial centres, and things remained like that from the end of the 18th century until, well, until now.

But out in the more rural areas there was - and still remains - a different view on life.

OK, they know they can't fight against 'La Republique'. But they maintain a lovely way of life that is so very French!

If you can, get out of the capital! The real French people aren't the ones you meet in Paris!

Interesting post but my interest is seeing the city, museums, monuments and enjoying the people and cuisine. I will enjoy any conversations I may have with citizens of Paris. Maybe another time I can visit the countryside but this time it will be Paris, Paris and more Paris.

As a caregiver I enjoy my work but often saddened by the need for it. One of the few prayers I pray is to heal all sickness and make me look for a different job. I am currently working for two home health companies and I have another gentleman that I am developing a relationship with for his future care.

What has brought this to the forefront of thought for me has been the latest gentleman. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease well at least as well as it can be diagnosed. He is still very functional but knows the outlook is bleak. I have been going to his home twice a day to make sure he is taking his meds correctly. His family was trying to find help and at first he said if someone comes to the house to help he would leave and never be heard from again. So I put my best personality forward (that would be personality #7) and went to his house. I told him "I was just here to make sure he took his meds and then I would disappear". He looked me up and down and said "you must not disappear as easily as you once did". We both had a good laugh.

He had nothing planned for Saturday and said he would be around the house all day. When I went back Saturday evening for his evening meds I invited him to lunch on Sunday. When I went at 7 AM for his meds before church I mentioned again I would pick him up at noon for lunch. When I pulled in at 11:45 AM he saw my car and was ready to go. We went and had a nice lunch and good conversation and then I dropped him off at home before going to another clients home.

I know he will be a long term patient as he loses abilities. I am glad I am building this rapport with him now. When he needs me I will be a familiar face. His parents and my grandparents were great friends. In a small town you have many opportunities to connect with generations of people that have been close to family.

In the mean time I am going on vacation. I hope all are well while I am gone. I need this for me so I can come back and give my all. My homecare vicitms will have to hear about vacation and look at pictures. This may inspire them to use their walkers to get away from me and my endless talking.

One thing I have noticed from taking care of many how important kindnesses are to me. Recently I received a gift in the mail that was so incredibly important to my travels and a place I will be visitng. Sharing something that has been a part of someone's life to heighten your enjoyment is a great gift.

Of course when you are used to doing for others and you ask a favor when you are used to fulfilling them for others and the favor is not often fulfilled it can make you sad. Then I have to realize that just because I can do for others, others cannot. If I ask for a favor and you do not want to do it just say no.

Vacation is fast approaching and I will enjoy myself and when I get back I will check on all my folks.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 25, 2010 12:10 pm So I put my best personality forward (that would be personality #7) and went to his house. I told him "I was just here to make sure he took his meds and then I would disappear". He looked me up and down and said "you must not disappear as easily as you once did". We both had a good laugh...

This captures an important part of the person I know you to be. Funny, in a gentle way, while being extraordinarily caring.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 25, 2010 12:10 pm Vacation is fast approaching and I will enjoy myself and when I get back I will check on all my folks.

I will send you an email to express my wishes for you.

Hugs,

Danya

My dream for years was to visit Paris. I am on my way to Dublin. Tonight I missed my connecting flight. A little T might have kept me from getting emotional but it worked. I will arrive in Paris a few hours later than planned.

Maybe I can pick up some luck of the Irish. Or get lucky with an Irishman.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 9:00 am My dream for years was to visit Paris. I am on my way to Dublin. Tonight I missed my connecting flight. A little T might have kept me from getting emotional but it worked. I will arrive in Paris a few hours later than planned.

Maybe I can pick up some luck of the Irish. Or get lucky with an Irishman.

Or take an Irishman with you to Paris! I'm glad you are well on your way.

Hugs,

Danya

Well Ireland is every bit as green as they say it is. I enjoyed the countryside as we flew over. But anyway I finally made it to Paris and I am in my hotel room ready to freshen up. Time to hit the city.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri May 28, 2010 11:29 pm Well Ireland is every bit as green as they say it is. I enjoyed the countryside as we flew over. But anyway I finally made it to Paris and I am in my hotel room ready to freshen up. Time to hit the city.

You go!

Don't worry about lots of updates - use the time to see all you can instead!

Best to you. See you in August!

I second that, tell us about it when you get here for the MOM.

River

Oh and have a great time of course.

The City of Lights, my City of Change. I am not sure what has always attracted me to Paris. I think primarily it was the musicians of color, writers and artists that found Paris to be free of prejudice. Of course there was always the art and the museums of Paris. I also enjoyed the cuisine and the champagne. I loved walking streets that were unimaginably old and had been trod by Roman soldiers and so many others through the years. Walking into a church where the faithful had prayed over a thousand years ago.

A city so incredibly old that supported a very modern lifestyle. Up to the minute fashions. Many galleries to shop for art. Crowds rushing into malls to buy the latest music and electronics. Houses of fragrance that made a parfum that I had worn for years. The city known for fashion, cuisine, art and culture. Along with the problems of modern cities such as the homeless inhabitants, people trying to exist by scamming tourists of which I was so obviously one and pick-pockets of which I was not a to be a victim.

Visiting museums and monuments you quickly recovered from your concerns for personal space. Dining in Cafes and Brasseries you sat so close to the next table that you quickly forgot about a gentleman's elbow as you dined. My greatest concern was should I have another champagne or is it time for wine? I was incredibly spoiled by the good food and the great service. One of the waiters made me a delicious cocktail and invited me back but there was too much to sample in the city. He smiled frequently at my french and was rather ornery.

My change occurred when I stood on the Pont des Arts which is a pedestrian bridge over the Seine. As I faced the Ile de la Cite and the Pont Neuf a wind blew. The wind was mixed with the past and the present. What a clean and fresh wind. I raised my arms to let the wind blow past me and over all of my body. As tears formed in my eyes I let my past join the winds. The wind blew away my past and left me with only today and a future. A weight I had carried too long was taken by the winds. I was lighter and happier and I truly understood that I needed to take care of me every bit as good as I take care of others.

Everyone in Paris was so kind. From the gallery owner who sold me art to the wait staff in restaurants that took very good care of me. The Hotel staff will be missed not only from their helpfulness but their encouragement. Oh and the store that sold me wine I will miss. I will miss the coissants and the coffee. For all of those who live in Paris and make Paris what it is I want to thank you and let you know I will be back. I knew it was important for me to visit Paris but I did not fully understand why until I was there. Merci Paris!

Tugon,

I am at a loss for words right now. Your description of your Paris experience is so wonderfully written that I seem to almost feel what you were feeling. Although I am sure I am not even close to fully understanding what this meant to you.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself and happy you had this adventure.

Hugs,

Danya

Tugon, What a wonderful summary!!! You put a huge smile in my heart. Welcome home.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:49 am My change occurred when I stood on the Pont des Arts which is a pedestrian bridge over the Seine...

You used the word change several times. I submit that the above quoted extract really was more about where your change was experienced, or perhaps executed might be a better word. The real change occurred when you first opened up from within yourself to give yourself this gift.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you.

It will now be interesting and exciting to see how you further change your life. This trip to Paris was not a new chapter in your life, but rather an new volume. I know from your writing that you are now open to and welcome these kinds of growth. This is such a wonderful gift that you have given yourself. And you deserve more such gifts.

BB

The apartment seems quiet. Plix has started his next adventure in life. He has a new apartment in the big city. Coming from a big city the small town was not for him. I wish him the best in this adventure and further personal growth for him.

Having your own place where it can become what you want it to be is very empowering. I remember when I left home the final time how nice it was to just put things where I wanted them. When Plix arrived the apartment was set up and I am a little bit anal about the antiques and kitchen. So I know he will enjoy living alone.

There will be times when I will miss him but he is close enough for frequent dinners. Since he is still coming back this way for work I told him he could continue to use the washer and dryer. I am sure he knows he can call me for any help he may need.

I must compliment him for picking the hottest day this year for the move.

Best of luck my friend!

Sometimes I hate feeling human. As I have mentioned before in other posts I sometimes think emotions more than feel them. Tonight driving home from work I had that great eunuch need for touch and affection. I wanted to be held and to feel a man's body against my own.

The negative aspect of these feelings were due to the man I was craving. I was missing Brian. I even began to wish he would call me after all this time. My emotions and body were missing him and my mind was saying "what the hell are you thinking"? I know he was not good for me and can never again be a part of my life. I think he was just the face and most recent memory of those needs.

As a eunuch and not as a Vulcan I can only repress my needs for affection and touch for so long. On nights like tonight I still wish to meet someone not for that great passionate love but an affectionate friendship. Oh well since I am suffering with these feelings I thought I would post them.

Confessions

Well it happened Friday night and carried on thru Saturday. I cannot believe it will still happen from time to time. I have a component of my personality or alternative that I thought was gone from all my healing. Well it took over Friday night. I made several phone calls and sent PM's that did not need to be said or typed. This aspect of my personality says unkind things that I may think but would not say for anything. Well it was quite aggressive. I am sorry for any hurt that I caused. The only good news is it did not order anything on my credit card this time.

I think all the sadness from the Rutgers student's death and my becoming more aware of how many other teenagers have recently committed suicide due to bullying. We have also had a number of rapes in the area and I read the comments made by some of the locals about the victim in the newspaper article. I think from my flashbacks to my being bullied and rape flashbacks that other personality came out to rage. If I dwell on sadness too long strange things start happening.

Then today at work we watched Oprah. Oprah did a show about a previous guest who had 92 personalities and another woman who had 20. I did not feel so bad about my partial personality popping out. Sadly with its appearance others might not be so happy.

Anyway what was of most interest to me was the talk of the death of the original person or the complete and total regression of the original core personality. This hit home for me when I thought about a few aspects of myself. As I have posted before my trouble with emotions. Do I feel things or think how I should feel in situations. How often I lose my emotions or feel empty. Why do I have this bully spokesperson who pops up once in awhile? I also remember the almost disastrous search for my inner child. Is my inner child dead or greatly regressed to where I cannot find it. I posted about a dream where I was a parent to a 2 1/2 year old male child who drowned and now I wonder even more what this may mean.

This is from the original post;

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 05, 2007 12:59 am The worst dream I ever had luckily has never repeated itself. When I awoke from this dream I was in extreme emotional and physical pain. I did not know if I would be able to go to work that morning. I could not imagine how I would call off from work due to a bad dream. Several people have interpreted this dream in interesting ways.

In the beginning of my dream I was the happiest I had ever been. I was given custody of a 2½-year-old boy. I loved him and was so proud of him. In the dream he did not have a name but he reminded me of some one. I wonder if the joy I felt is the joy other parents feel. I loved every minute with him.

This dream took place while I was still working at the hospital and in the dream I had been talking about how wonderful my son is. Several of the staff I was closest with asked to meet him. One evening I took him in to meet several of my friends and was reminded of a meeting that I needed to attend. The nurses offered to watch him while I went to the meeting.

When I returned to pick up my son the nurses were running around. I thought they have really gotten busy. I was able to stop one of them and ask where my son was. She said she would be with me in a few minutes. Eventually they told me he wondered off and they were looking for him. I began to search for him. I walked into a room with a bathtub in it and saw a towel floating on top of the water. I lifted the towel and discovered my son in the tub. He had drowned.

Immediately I woke up and had to smother my cries with my pillow. I felt broken emotionally and my body ached. I could barely make my body move to prepare for the day. I mourned for him for about six weeks before the emotional pain started to subside. If someone mentioned the loss of a child or a story on TV I could understand their pain. I considered anti depressants but felt funny asking for them due to a dream. I had to remind myself that I never had a child and this was not real. Though for some reason the emotional pain and sense of loss was so incredibly real.

If dreams are meant to be helpful I have not discovered the benefits of this one.

As you can imagine I have a lot on my mind tonight. I know that only a professional Psychologist or Psychiatrist could help me get to the bottom of this issue. Am I real or what is left after a less than ideal childhood?