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It is not uncommon to find that things we think have eradicated make a return. Under periods of intense stress, just about everyone's personality will change to some extent. When I am under stress at work, I can become a different person, though I try to keep it inside (since I have to interact with customers, I would probably be fired if I did not).

I can relate to the wondering about whether you are actually feeling something or just thinking what you should feel. A therapist told me I do just that - I do not directly feel emotions but rationalize them instead.

I know you have a lot of dreams that indicate issues that you are trying to work through. You may want to consider keeping a journal of some of these dreams. You might find it easier that way to make connections between similar themes. I am very interested in dreams myself and think they can tell us most of the answers we are seeking from life.

plix (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 07, 2010 11:55 am It is not uncommon to find that things we think have eradicated make a return. Under periods of intense stress, just about everyone's personality will change to some extent. When I am under stress at work, I can become a different person, though I try to keep it inside (since I have to interact with customers, I would probably be fired if I did not).

I can relate to the wondering about whether you are actually feeling something or just thinking what you should feel. A therapist told me I do just that - I do not directly feel emotions but rationalize them instead.

I know you have a lot of dreams that indicate issues that you are trying to work through. You may want to consider keeping a journal of some of these dreams. You might find it easier that way to make connections between similar themes. I am very interested in dreams myself and think they can tell us most of the answers we are seeking from life.

Plix thanks for your support and understanding. It is too bad we can relate so well to similar issues. I am glad you are my friend and we can share.

Tugon's Life

When I think about my trip to Paris I think about how far I have come since the dark days. From the days where I wanted to hide inside the apartment to the day where I planned and executed my life's biggest adventure. Some may argue that the half-an-hour drive to the motel to be castrated might have been the biggest adventure. Actually it was the end of one life and the beginning of another.

When I total what was wrong in my life and I now see what is right in my current life I am amazed. I do not know if I was stubborn enough not to give up or the strong hope that life would get better. I cannot pinpoint any one thing that might be of help to someone else other than do not give up hope.

Once again I was watching Oprah and Tyler Perry was the guest and he opened up about his abuse. I was hurting for him when he discussed his father and his sexual abusers. What hit home the most is when he could no longer dissociate during the torture and at that point he knew his original self had died. I could relate to what he was saying since I recently came to that same conclusion. My realization was like a moment of clarity when so much made sense. When Tyler spoke of it I found myself nodding my head with tears running down my face.

I began life with a mother who never bonded with me as she was tired. She told me this several times through my adult years. Actually she would state "we never bonded". Well I should have crawled out of the bassinet and given her a hug. Of course as written previously my father was physically, verbally, mentally and sexually abusive. We did not bond in any normal fashion. After moving away from bio dad my mother and sisters would gang up and taunt me. Having no sense of self worth or esteem I was easily bullied from 7th grade up through 11th grade. A year after graduation I got the hell out of town. After 4 years I went back only to meet the man who would physically and sexually abused me for 17 1/2 years. Then I was castrated and life began.

Today I enjoy life! I am happy with me but I still have work to do. I have good friends. I have work that I enjoy. My apartment is a place of peace and warmth filled with art and family heirlooms. I enjoy music playing most of the time. I finally had the chance to see the Pacific Ocean on a trip to California. My love of photography is coming back and I am not as hyper critical to the point where I could not show anyone my pictures. I look forward to adventures and no longer avoid them. I do not let people mistreat me. I am experiencing a sense of pride of who I am today and how I live my life. Sure there will always be bumps in the road but I am strong enough for them.

Cheers to the rest of life's adventures.

It is interesting to read your post and to get to know you

Keep up the good work and all ways strive to move fore ward

Life is temporary but for me as I have posted before I have no sense of future. Therefore it seems incredibly temporary. This lack of a sense of future has always been a problem with achieving long term goals. Why buy a house since I never thought I would have time to enjoy it. Why continue to work hard to graduate from college either time I went. Why save when I want what I want now and may not be around to enjoy it. I may live too much in the present with lots of baggage from the past.

Now that I have been finding some sense of understanding in the thought that I am not my original personality, or maybe the term genuine self is a better choice, does that pertain to my lack of a sense of future? At this point I should mention I enjoy life and I am happy. I am just working on some missing pieces.

Another thought along with that lack of future is how little concern I have for my body's health. I find it difficult to worry about health issues down the road when I feel good today. Sure I am a diabetic, hypertensive and high cholesterol kind of eunuch but again in the moment I want pleasure. Yes oral gratification is very important to me. When you do not see a future you do not see reasons to change behaviors. While in Paris I would hate to admit how many croissants crossed my lips. I do think I ate more snails than I did croissants but it would be interesting to know for sure. Oh and someone was always pouring me champagne.

I feel like I live in my head and my body is just a conveyance to get me from A to B. My body is still numb to some sensations. Do not ask me if it is cold if I just walked in from outside. Chances are I did not notice. I like sunburns and very cold windy days that make your face sting because then I can feel my skin.

We had an interesting thread one time about not recognizing the face looking back at us in the mirror. Several members felt a disconnect from what they saw to how they felt. I am now wondering if that was not true for me due to not being original. The sense of not being in the right body but the body was the right one it is the survival personality that is wrong. I wonder if the survival personality could ever fully integrate with the body?

Please remember these are thoughts for me and are not based on any long term psychotherapy. I also have no training in psychology, just insights into my life. Like many I am just looking for answers on the path of life.

As a eunuch I was always looking to the past for the cause of my need to be a eunuch. I now feel that dealing with my gender issues of male to eunuch were separate from my abuse issues. I am not sure how to put this in words but I think being eunuch is now a more positive state since I no longer think it was based on tragic events of my childhood. Since my gender is a unique part of me I think I can take greater pride in myself since it was not created in a dark time. Certainly there may be a little overlap but one did not create the other.

While watching the third episode of Oprah where she was helping men who were abused as children I gained some insights. I listened to the men talking about how the abuse had affected their lives. Much of what was said I could relate to but not all. Wow 200 men in one room with many of the same feelings, struggles and inabilities that I have. From the first episode where it was only Tyler Perry opening up to Oprah, then the 200 sharing the devastation of their lives and finally spouses and significant others talked about the difficulties in relationships. I was finally able to see my abuse as a separate entity with all its own issues.

As was discussed on the show the abuse leads to inferiority and worthlessness. This is what kept me trapped in years of abuse. Again nothing to do with my desiring to be eunuch. When I think that from childhood to 41 years of age there was someone physically abusing me and 46 years of age until I stopped all the verbal abuse. I was even able to convince my mother to stop calling me sissy, fat ass and whale.

One of the most interesting points for me was when a gentleman stood up and said the myth that men who have been abused will become abusers keep many of us silent about the abuse. That struck me because I avoided much contact with my niece and nephews since I heard it so many times and I never wanted to abuse. Then I looked into my heart and realized I was not an abuser. Sure I can get tired of people and their issues but to abuse, that is not me. Working in health care you would not want someone to think you might become abusive.

I am pleased I saw all the shows. I have a better understanding of me and a greater pleasure being a eunuch. Now I know what I have to work on has nothing to do with my gender. I am more free to enjoy my uniqueness, living in the middle between male and female.

One of the joys in caring for the elderly is being exposed to their old prejudices. A client today mentioned that he thought his son's housemate "was a queer". I thought about mentioning that the person who just washed his back and butt was a queer. Of course I was not in the mood to do CPR so I kept my mouth shut. I wonder if he knows his son is gay and why two of his great grandchildren have two mothers. It is tough at family gatherings to swing a dead cat and not hit one.

I find it frustrating when I am giving very good care to someone and if they knew I was gay I might be fired. I have been fired from jobs for being gay. Now when I get close to people and the thought that their old prejudices could totally change their opinion of me I am saddened.

I am proud of all the actors, musicians, politicians and others who have come out and I will be proud of our men and women in the military when they can come out after Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed. Next time I have him in the shower for me it will be don't tell. Nothing worse than an old, soapy, sudsy and angry man in the shower.

but the look on his face after you tell him will be priceless

kennath7 (imported) wrote: Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:51 am but the look on his face after you tell him will be priceless

Thanks Kennath, he is an old Navy man and if he drops the soap he comments that he learned in the Navy not to pick it up. I would like to reassure him that I am a catcher and not a pitcher but not sure if he would get it. Yes that look would be priceless but that gasp for air and stopping of the heart might effect my income.

I would think that rushing to the TV to watch the Nate Berkus show might be a clue. Nate, Nate make me redecorate.

I just noticed it is after midnight and now 12/06/10. Thirteen years ago and several hours from now I would nervously wait in a motel room to meet my fate. My day to become a eunuch.

I find it hard to remember the old me or at least how I felt in those days. I do remember my behaviors and I am glad they are behind me. What a day that was to be. A friend of mine was with me and he had a friend of his with him. His friend broke out in a cold sweat and I thought he was going to pass out. I guess not everyone enjoys a surgery. Since a man had opened up my scrotum and was fairly involved in what he was doing I did not want his friend passing out and taking focus from me. I am not normally self involved but that day I did want to be the center of attention.

After surgery his friend went and picked up some pizzas and my friend left. I enjoyed a few pieces of pizza and some diet pop to drink. His friend left I think wanting to distance himself from the somewhat illegal activity that just took place.

The day was not the fantasy I had imagined for such a life changing event. I blogged one time about becoming a eunuch as being similar to becoming a vampire. A vampire gives up daylight and a eunuch gives up some of the passions of a human life. In my fantasies the man to remove my testicles would be handsome of face and handsome of heart. My cutter was neither handsome nor kind. He did get the job done.

Today I celebrate the new me. Actually I have enjoyed most of the past 13 years. I have healed and life is good. Of course as always I need to thank the EA. I found the EA several years after my castration and reading others experience helped me define the new me. thefraj and Jesus reached out to me and support from others gave me a sense of community. Since those days I have enjoyed the kind responses, reputation points and Private Messages from members. I do not know if my posting has helped anyone else but it has helped me to share. Thanks to those who have read my ramblings.

Today I am a male to eunuch transgender and as a eunuch I am at my happiest. I hope everyone can achieve their dreams to be their happiest. Peace.

Thinking back thirteen years I am thinking about how my body looked in those days. Or should I say what 13 years without T has done to my body. There are times I miss how the old body looked. I do not miss how the mind acted with T. I would certainly choose now over then.

Weight gain was something I dealt with both pre and post castration so it is no surprise I deal with weight issues today. The difference is in where the weight has shifted. Oh those fat upper thighs are much fun. My thighs certainly do not look as male as they once did and men's pants can be a little tight in the thigh area. In the past when I gained weight I was more of an apple and now I am an apple and a pear. My butt also looks more feminine.

In the past I had physical jobs and worked out frequently. I would enjoy riding my bike so I was in better shape. I was never heavily muscled but would attract some attention. One day at the hospital after changing from my scrubs to jeans and a t-shirt I remembered I left something at a nurses station. When I went up to retrieve it a teenage girl working as a unit clerk said "wow you're buff". A lot of the muscle is gone and some of my strength and I think today I might hear "wow you're puffy". Again it has been worth it.

Body hair is another attribute that fades over time. I still have some on my chest and lower back but it is very fine and not readily noticeable. Hair on my legs is very fine and difficult to see. I was rather hairy during my peak years. Not as much as some but more than I wanted. Pubic hair is definitely in the feminine delta pattern. Sadly the hair in the ears keeps growing.

As far as breast development I will know for sure when I lose weight. I think I might have had a little but with the weight gain it is tough to tell the difference between breast development and fat. Skin is softer and drier much like a post menopausal woman. Due to shrinkage my penis is retracted much of the time unless coaxed out for some fun. I used to think about penectomy but most times it does not look like I have one. My empty scrotum is drawn up and again I see no reason in having it removed.

I should add that I was castrated 41 and I am now 54 so my body would be going through changes as part of the aging process. Of course the changes from aging and a natural decrease in T my body would have not changed as much as with castration.

For those considering castration without T replacement I wanted to share the changes in my body. Effects may vary for you. As we love to say your mileage may vary.

Wow what a great time. No not New Years Eve but New Years day celebrating my uncles life and remembering his death a year ago today. As I mentioned in another post we combined our New Years celebration with a Mass and celebration of my uncle's life. The Irish Catholics had a good time today.

Three o'clock we descended on my aunt's house with much food and lots of wine, beer and flavored vodkas. Pork and sauerkraut in the oven to cook with mashed potatoes being prepared on the stove top. Lots of appetizers to enjoy while the food was cooking. Lots of talk and memories over the sound of corks opening and ice being dropped in glasses. Busy exchanging many of my uncle's favorite expressions.

We had been talking and laughing so much we almost forgot to watch the time. It was time to eat the main meal along with a little more beverage to keep the mood going. Next of course time to head to church. I was so glad when they brought out the incense since the family had just feasted on pork and kraut and mashed potatoes. Gas with all those candles lit could have been a problem.

After dinner we went back to my aunt's house to have a few more drinks and conversation. A neighbor of hers brought the local paper and we pulled her into the party. Her glass and plate were never empty. She kept saying she just stopped by to bring the paper. I told her we all knew how much she helped during those times and she was family, so enjoy. We drank, laughed and she mentioned this was better than sitting home alone. I told her anytime you see our cars gathered she is welcomed to join us.

Something dawned on me today. We may not be very good at the holidays or birthdays but when someone needs support we can rise to the occasion. I think much like my work I can be more supportive of someone in pain than to celebrate the day to day events. Today was a perfect example of how the family can pull together. Sure your birthday might be forgotten but if you are down and out everyone will be there to support. I am happy to be reminded of this today.

The only comment to cause curiosity this first day of the New Year was spoken by my sister. Someone mentioned domestic violence and she said that was not a part of our lives. I was surprised by this since we had spoken of the time dad pushed mom down the stairs and I had shared what dad had done to me. There was violence growing up and I wondered how she could block it.

I think now in her adult state she thinks of life beginning after we moved away from dad. She is right that life became safer for all of us after our escape. I just did not know she chose to ignore the first eight years. That may be easier to do when you are not the victim but the observer. Of course I have read that witnessing abuse is psychologically as bad as going through it yourself.

I have to say this living in denial is not good for my sister's mental health or ability to get along with people. I think her facing up to the past might help her be happier today and I may mention that again this year.

Some times the hardest thing to do is to face up to your past

chemcast scot (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:18 am Some times the hardest thing to do is to face up to your past

I agree facing the past can be tough. For me I have felt I needed to sort out and try to understand my past. I needed to build a stronger foundation to grow and move forward. I have found more happiness and greater self love than I ever thought possible. Yes it all came from my facing the past. I would like to help my sister find a new level of happiness.

There is a lie between us and they say the truth shall set me free. As many of you know I was castrated by a cutter. After joining and understanding how risky my path was to become a eunuch I did not tell of what went on before that day. I mentioned my fear was to be taken to the hospital where I worked for care after my castration. Because I had already received care.

My cutter had sent me a video of a castration he had performed. A young man I was working with at the time watched it with me. We watched it several times when he announced with some confidence that he could do it. I had a crush on the young man and found him quite handsome. I am not sure if it was my desperation to be a eunuch combined with a desire to have him between my legs but I said yes to him. To this day I think his motivation was simply because I wanted it and seemed to need it so much. The two of us gradually brought home all we would need to perform the castration.

My sister was out of town and I was pet sitting. We arranged to do the cutting during that time. The painters plastic drop cloths covered the dining room table and the carpets where the surgery was to be performed. I had brought goggles and facemasks to protect my friend since I did not know my HIV status at the time. He numbed me better than the cutter and began to open my scrotum. He had my scrotum open and began to open the inner sac. As my testicle was exposed he hit a bleeder and he used one of the cauterizers we had brought to stop the bleeding. When the blood spurted it hit him in the center of his forehead and he went very pale. I was afraid he was going to run out and leave me. At that point I told him to just put it back in and sew me up.

What was strange is I was scheduled to go to work the next day and somehow thought I would be able to work. The swelling and the drainage frightened me. I tossed and turned wondering if I should call 911 to take me to the ER. I finally fell asleep and woke up with one of the largest scrotums I had ever seen. I called off sick from work that day. As the swelling continued the sutures would rip out and I would have to resuture my scrotum. Since my body was numb to me at that time standing in front of a mirror and shoving that needle through my flesh was no big deal.

After about 12 days of swelling, draining and becoming pale enough to be called Casper I asked a urologist some questions and told him I had a problem. We went into a closed area and he examined the mess I had made of my scrotum. He kindly believed the lies I had told him while he decided how best to help me. I went to his office the next day and he provided me with very good care. During the next three months he packed the wound with sterile iodoform and dressed the wound. I wore a scrotal support under my underwear. He packed my scrotum three times a week while he and I were both working at the hospital. He would have me paged to assist him and we would go down to a surgery suite where he would have already covered the windows and prepared the supplies. He thought I was very stoic since I did not react to the pain but due to dissociation I was numb.

After I healed I told my cutter what I had done and he was not sure he would perform the castration. I was very upset at this point since one of my testicles was no longer protected by the inner lining and felt odd most of the time and I did not want either one. I had to send him pictures showing my friends incision and placement. Once he saw the pictures he felt he could do it and months later on 12/06/97 he came to Ohio to castrate me.

Luckily all went well and I did not need to receive months of care again. I was also working part-time at a pharmacy where I could pocket antibiotics. I have mentioned the length of time I had drainage but I am not sure if that was from the botched first attempt or something about me and not taking the time off needed after surgery.

I would like to thank Dr. Mike for his care and friendship. May you rest in peace. One of my greatest regrets was not moving in with you when you asked. I was not sure how many moving vans it would have taken to move all my emotional baggage to your home. Oh and during the days you were patching me up I was afraid my asshole rapist/stalker would follow me and I did not want him in your world. Of course you better than I could have taken care of that situation.

To the EA I have no more secrets. I felt foolish using a cutter and felt even more foolish to let someone try just because they watched a video. This may better show my level of desperation.

Thanks for sharing that took a lot of courage and at the same time it allowed a part of you to heel in side

I often look back on my journey and realize the blunders I went through to get where I am at today

You are a very lucky person, and I wish you the best

Well done for sharing with us all just what you went through,and the risks that come with letting someone who has no medical training do a castration.

Let us hope that your story will help those who are thinking of going down this road,and should it stop just one person from going there,then it will have been worth letting us all in to what pain you had to endure.

I am glad to read that you have got what you wanted,and that you are now doing a lot better.

Thanks Kennath7 and Chemcast Scot for your posts.

All this happened before I had a computer and was aware of the Eunuch Archive. I hope my sharing will help someone decide how not to do things. Tugon did it this way so I should do the opposite. Seriously the work done here on the EA is such a great resource for many who are struggling with our many issues. Since like most I now promote the safest and sanest way of doing things I thought I should post the risks I took to achieve my goal.

I am glad to have the opportunity to hear a little more about what you have been through. I know that you did have to take many risks to achieve your goals, and I am very glad that you have been able to do so. You have come a long way, and it is definitely important to share your story with others so that not only will they hopefully stay safe in whatever decisions they make, but also so that they will know they are not alone.

Thanks Plix for your post.

I talked about the risk but not much of the physical consequences. I had mentioned the scrotal swelling but I did not share how severe. My scrotum became so large before care by the doctor that I could not urinate standing up. My penis could not be directed to the toilet or urinal. When I would sit on the toilet I had to face the toilet tank and angle my body to urinate.

At the time I had a 34 inch waist but had pants from the time I had a 38 inch waist which I needed to wear to have room for my scrotum. I sure received lots of stares. Of course I used feminine pads to absorb the drainage. When not working I lived in sweat pants until I was back to somewhat normal size.

I took mom to Olive Garden for lunch during that time. I went to the restroom and when I sat down the stitches ripped out. I grabbed some toilet paper and made a makeshift pad for my underwear. Then I went back to the table like everything was fine. When I arrived home I went to the bathroom and grabbed a magnifying mirror. I held it between my legs and was shocked that I could see up into my scrotum. I paged a friend working at the hospital and had him grab me some suture kits. Back home I drove to stitch me shut. Several times in those 12 days I tried to reclose the incision.

Those 12 days were very frightening. I was trying to act like everything was normal. Only missed one day of work. I learned how much sterile packing it takes to fill a swollen scrotum. I was very lucky to receive good care without a hospitalization and without time in the hospital's psych unit. As I have mentioned before I worked at the hospital where I would have been admitted. Most importantly I was never terminated which had also been a great fear. I am still surprised how few questions I was asked. The doctor's focus was on helping me heal. I am glad I did not have to go back to him after my actual castration.

Hi, I found your message most interesting, as I am a candidate for castration, tried chemical cast for a while and loved the effects, except the energy loss. I am 62, my natural T level has dropped over the years, so the change should be less visible. Your testimony shows that exercise is very important to keep the body well functioning. I am retired but keep working for the sake of my mind...and my body. I live in a very large south american city and walk a lot. The hair around my crotch is greyish and much less abundant than before, I don't like hair and shave the area often.

My balls will certainly be gone before the year is out, I'll ask my doc about some HRT to maintain health and bone density, also I'd like to preserve my dick and not end up with a weenee, even if it's just good for pissing. Thanks to chemical cast my libido was gone, at last I was free of my ever demanding balls, and I slept better, the experience is positive, now I know for sure real cast is the next step.

Thanks Patrickchemcast for your response. I have to admit not knowing as much about chemical castration as I might like but physical castration was a great benefit for me. I hope it works well for you.

I checked your profile and it said you were from Paris, France and I wanted you to know I fell in love with Paris in May and June of the past year. I miss sitting on a bench on the Ponts des Arts watching boats travel the Seine.

Wishing you the best.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and I thought I might rescue a dog. Sure a date would be nice but if I want something young and frisky sitting in my lap licking my face a dog would be the answer. The older couple I provide care for have a dog that provides much entertainment. Helping care for their dog has made me think about getting one for myself.

So many decisions, should I find a male or female. If male I would want it to be neutered. We can flip a coin later to see which of us is the Alpha Male. Maybe I should decide on breed first. I think a medium sized dog that would be fun to take to a park and play games. I am not interested in a dog that would fit in my purse. I would then have to buy a purse. I would want it to be friendly to others unless that other was breaking into the place. I would never want a dog that would bite someone and they would show up on their bike and put my dog in a picnic basket and pedal off to have it put down.

I would like a dog about two years old so it would be house trained. Preferably not a lot of shedding to vacuum up regularly. I would like a dog that likes to play but tires easily like it's owner. I have never enjoyed a biter so my dog should not be one that tries to bite my toes. I do not want a dog who is a gossip. The other dogs do not need to know how neurotic I am or that I cry at Extreme Home Makeover. Or that I try to emulate him when he licks himself. Fido show me one more time how you do it boy.

Oh hell I would have the responsibility of naming him. I am not sure if I am ready for a pet. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

A dog is a big responsibility. You are Master and Commander, and servant. Another life is completely dependent upon you. Pet food is not cheap. Time in each day must be allocated to walk the dog. This must be a problem in snowy cold places. Then if it gets ill, it can be very expensive for health care.

The Great Recession is one reason so many people turned in their dogs to animal shelters; they could not afford to feed or care for them.

Love and devotion are strong binds. One must have an emotional bond with a pet to overlook all of the difficulties of the relationship.

Pretty much like in relationships with people.

Some people would say that dogs are better though.

They don't talk back.

They bounce with joy to greet you when you come home.

(Are they happy to really see you, or just want to be fed and taken outside to pee?)

Good luck.