EA Forums

BudleyBare I did not mean I would not share but I was questioning how accurate my memories are now. I remember the physical aspects of surgery and physical changes but the emotional changes are vague. I remember becoming a eunuch was the high point of my life at the time. I was happy to be a eunuch. I had emotional ups and downs but I attributed that to post traumatic stress and the problems people who have been raped and abused must deal. Even now those issues are fastly fading into the past.

Today I am wholly a eunuch. I have found my gender and my place in the world. I have found a wonderful community. I spend little time in the past and still more than I should. I have changed from victim to surviver to living again. I find that men who have become eunuchs in recent years have better memories of the experience and changes than do I. I will certainly answer any questions that I am asked but the further from the experience the less acurate the memories of the changes.

As I have said before I would very much enjoy meeting you and I am very glad you are back and posting again.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Sep 02, 2006 12:13 am BudleyBare I did not mean I would not share but I was questioning how accurate my memories are now....

Thanks for the clarification. I was hoping that such would be your response.

Isn't it neat having such a caring extended family (well, almost all of those here at EA)!

Consequences of Testosterone

As I have mentioned before I do not think I would be alive if I still had testosterone in my system. Prior to castration my life was in an uproar. The combination of addiction, emotional pain, physical and sexual abuse caused my mind to snap. Snap may not be a good word but the symptoms were that all that was done to me or I was threatened with began to take on a level of excitement. I began to be excited about thoughts of being murdered during sex. My abuser had threatened me with death for many years now and my mind in order to survive converted it to sexual thoughts. I still hated him and did not want to be with him. These thoughts were coming out in my contact with others. Many things he would do to me I began to request from others. Of course this caused many people to drift apart. They could not understand why I offered them the opportunity to do anything to me they wanted. Kick me, slap me, beat me, verbally abuse me and kill me. I was in such pain death seemed like a relief and also had a unique sexual attraction that I do not understand to this day but I am free of those feelings.

Once again phone sex figured into these fantasies. The fascination I had with being murdered in a sexual way could better be explored with extreme phone sex services. As I have said most people would find ways to distance themselves from me when I would bring this up. I also burdened friends and sex partners with these thoughts. I did not realize at the time that my friends were hurting for me and being hurt by my trying to involve them in this. Through all this when I met someone in a strange situation I would try to find their interest in all of this. I realize now how lucky I am that I did not find the wrong person who back then would have seemed like the right person.

My partner has been with me off and on through all of this ugliness. He will sometimes remind me of how I used to be to show me how far I have come. The other day he reminded me of the things I used to ask him to do to me. I am now embarrassed by all of this and I am glad he had the good sense not to do what I asked. He knew I said I would be castrated but he thought it was more talk until the day I told him it had been done. As the testosterone levels dropped and al the weirdness went with them he was so pleased I would no longer go to the "dark side". He credits me with teaching him respects. By my example of having no respect for myself he learned to respect me and in turn respect himself. He always said I was the nicest kindest person he had met and I would speak horribly about myself and ask for terrible treatment.

I am glad to be alive. I am happy I no longer feel that way about myself. My desires are now for my partner and not for death. I am glad I no longer have a dark side and the pain it caused the one whom loves me. I thought I would share my hitting bottom so others can no there is always hope. If I could not be castrated I am sure I would have found someone to ease my pain in the more drastic way.

For Tugon -- Thank you for sharing your inner feelings and thoughts.

BB

In preperation for the future I am continuing my intellectual and emotional housekeeping. I misunderstood something my partner was telling me and I chose that time to fully vent my insecurities and fears. None of which have been caused by him. We have been dealing with distance and sometimes that is tough. By the end of the year he should be living here with me if all goes well. I want to make room in my heart and mind for him so more emotional baggage has to be thrown out. As a eunuch I have an incredible capacity to love him and need to rid myself of the things that have kept me from loving myself. He told me a while ago that if I saw myself through his eyes I would fall in love with myself.

As a eunuch in love with a man I was never interested in cheating. I only want to be with him. It is in my heart and mind that someone else resides. The one person who as an adult has caused so many of my problems. My abuser and rapist still fills those sleepless hours in the middle of the night. I want him gone. I can now easier turn thoughts to a good man and happy thoughts but I do not like that he still haunts me. I also want to lower the walls that I put up during those days. My partner deserves the best of me. My nightmare has already had too much of my life and I do not want to give him anymore.

When I was first escaping from the hold he had on me I wrote a poem. I wrote it to be theraputic. Some of it has changed but was true the first couple of years after castration. I am posting it here because I will then delete it from my computer. B loves me so much that reading about my pain causes him pain. He might find it when using the computer. He certainly knows about all of this and has done more for me than anyone along my healing path. I originally wrote it for a local anti rape and violence campaign but never submitted it. Here it is.

Violence is all I knew for 17 ½ years

Your threats and weapons worked me

into submission

Too many beatings and degrading acts

I can still feel the gun against my head

when you are haunting my mind

I learned to ask for pain so you would deny

me what you thought I wanted

2:30 am and the phone would ring with the

order to be ready

One night you asked for company and I was

anxious to see some humanity

In five minutes there was a gun against my

head as you tore into and raped my body

You would hold the

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2006 7:22 am gun to my head and tell me

tonight was my night to die

My heart and soul had been dying for years

You made me beg for you until I was worthy

I prayed to God while I was begging and each time

you called I knew my prayers were not answered

You would kick me in the crotch if I became erect

You would kick me in the crotch if I were not erect

In all those years it did not matter what I did

I was always wrong and deserving of punishment

Your violence trained me to silence my voice

Your punches and kicks could not cause me to utter a cry

I swallowed my anger and my no's fell on deaf ears

I learned you would become more violent if I complained

You complained for 17 ½ years that I was no good

I was so ugly you had to cover my face with porn mags

If you were not in the mood you would call to tell me

there was a bomb in my car

After so much pain I would hope when I turned the key

One night you called and called me by my name

I told you that you had the wrong number

I had become so accustomed to derogatory terms that I

did not recognize my name spoken by your voice

In 17 ½ years I never heard you speak my name

You called for five more years wanting to know if

I was over my mood

I have not been with a man since and I am now afraid of sex

I internalized my hate for you and hurt myself worse

than you ever did

If you recognize yourself in this I will probably be murdered

Today I am letting these memories go. I have nothing left to learn from thinking about them and the pain is quickly being replaced by love and happiness.

...I will be

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:13 am letting these memories go. I have nothing left to learn from thinking about them and the pain is quickly being replaced by love and happiness.

Tugon, this is an incredible posting on your part. Thank you for sharing.

I have a recommendation (not a criticism) that is based on experiences as I travel along on my spiritual path. You are free to accept or reject the recommendation as you wish. Might I suggest that you consider changing this last paragraph about your action plan into more of an affirmation. In other words, make it a declarative statement using the present tense. For instance, the first sentence be much more powerful if it were to read: I let go of these memories and free myself from the emotional stress that they hold over me. The difference is that yours is more of a future tense, awaiting some triggering event, whereas the affirmation variant is now and done (completed) as soon as you say it or write it. I leave the second sentence to you.

Again, thank you for the sharing, and I sincerely wish you a speedy transition into the next phase of your journey.

BudleyBare thank you for your advice. Yes today I let the memories go. Today I free myself from the weight and stress of carrying them in my heart, mind and soul. Today I am free from his tyranny and I am strong enough so that it can not happen again. Today I am eunuch and I fully reclaim my life.

As always BB thank you for your support. Affirmation feels good.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:55 am today I let the memories go. Today I free myself from the weight and stress of carrying them in my heart, mind and soul. Today I am free from his tyranny and I am strong enough so that it can not happen again. Today I am eunuch and I fully reclaim my life....

Tugon, I do believe the affirmations that you put forward in the quoted posting are very powerful. Hopefully you agree and benefit from them.

I continue to wish you all the best that life has to offer. You deserve it!

Thank you for sharing your feelings, Tugon You know I always read them, even when I'm not sure how best to respond. I'm with BB. Thank you for sharing such deep and personal feelings! Just being able to do this, shows just how far you've come!

I think you once shared that poem with me a while back, and it's chilling words give me only an idea of what you must have been through. I want to offer a great big ))HUG(( and say thank you for sharing.

I'm proud you are part of our community

Tugon, I read your poem then I re-read it and read it again. I simply don't know what to say. I can only wish happiness for you. --FLO--

Thank you thefraj and Uncle Flo for your support and wishes.

Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. I very much appreicate your posts.

My eunuch calm is helping in so many aspects of my life. Of course at 50 part of the improvement can also be attributed to maturation. My emotions are less affected by others emotions. If someone is angry their anger does not change my mood. Working in retail at the holidays some folks just want to be mad about their misunderstanding about pricing. It is nice that I no longer need to become upset about what they say. I no longer feel that I have to win or get the upper hand. My sense of calm allows me to know it is not important. Of course if I was under the influence of testosterone I would leave work frustrated and wanting to get even with someone. Of course I am not advocating castration just to be able to work in retail.

I find that by remaining calm I am much more help then before. My partner has been having trouble with his car. He is very frustrated by the problems and I am the calm voice of reason. After all it is only a car. When I was young if my car broke down I would rage. Now I am a better problem solver and help him keep things in perspective. I love the greater positive emotions I feel and how I do not buy into the negatives.

Being more aware of my levels of calm has come about from talks with my partner about what I was like when we first met. We have known each other for 17 years and we met when I was fully into my sexual addiction. We have been in and out of each others lives for many years and it is nice to have someone to share their observations of my before and after. I like myself more as a eunuch and he likes who I am today. It is not always easy to hear about my behaviors in the past but it helps me appreciate the new me.

Today I am content and at peace. I wish these feelings of peace and contentment to my EA community. Many of you have helped me get to this point. To my Brian who can reassure me that despite all the bumps in the road the final destination was worth the trip.

...

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Dec 14, 2006 1:48 am despite all the bumps in the road the final destination was worth the trip.

Tugon, it is good to hear that things are going well for you. I too notice myself being a lot more "calm" (if that is the right word).

I do take exception to the extracted part of your posting, however. My experience is that the journey is far more rewarding than any destination, because that is what is called life. The ultimate final destination is your transition, and I do hope that is a long way off for you (and myself).

There is no fool like an old fool. This is not about being a eunuch but about being human and hoping for love. It is in answer to my previous bout of optimism and happiness. Romantic love for me is always short lived no matter the promises, hopes and dreams shared.

Years ago I met a young man and we became friends. We have been in and out of each other's lives for years. The last separation was due to drug related crimes. After my castration and the need for love and his asking to be a part of my life we started talking about sharing life together. I remembered him as loving and respectful of my no's, which was very important to me. Having been traumatized by a man I was fearful of men. Brian whom I remembered fondly for his kindness was someone I could trust. We decided to give it a go in July of 1999.

Through the years we shared our dreams. We wrote many letters and talked on the phone as often as possible. I would receive beautiful hand made cards for birthdays and Christmas. He is a good artist and I will cherish those always. Much love was exchanged and he helped me heal. Even though we were separated by distance we both felt loved. I spoke of him as my partner because he was in all aspects but the physical that we had once and we were looking forward to again.

Time grew close and this November 1st he was released. I picked him up and was very happy that we were starting this next level of our relationship. He was kind, gentle and loving as I remembered him to be. He would kiss me where fists used to fall. It felt so good to be held and feel safe. I loved resting my head on his chest and hearing his heart beat. We would look into each other's eyes and kiss passionately. I was so happy. Friends loved hearing the joy in my voice.

He called me on December 15 to tell me he had been using again. He told me that they urine tested him and it would be positive. He violated his parole and would return to prison. Score addiction 1 and tugon 0. Somehow I thought love and time away from drugs would be enough. I thought his hopes and dreams would help him stay clean. Once he admitted he was using and then I realized that I had been told several lies. He could not deal with the pain and anguish I have been feeling for him and myself so he has cut off contact with me. I do not know where he is living or if he is back in a cell.

I am better today then I have been. I will heal. I will always love the good parts of him. I hope one day he becomes the person that he could and wants to be. I hope he can find someone who loves him as much as I once did. I hope he can battle his demons and win.

My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:12 pm more rewarding than any destination,

and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile on your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,

BB

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 25, 2006 9:51 pm My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 25, 2006 9:51 pm 1166058720]
more rewarding than any destination,

and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile o
[/quote]
n your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,

BB

BudleyBare thanks again for your input. Today I reached a level of acceptance and now will look forward to an even better adventure. The smile is back on my face and I can once again see the path ahead. I hope one day the path leads to our meeting.

The double edged sword of being a eunuch. I think the end of my relationship was tougher due to the heightened emotional range. I felt the love much deeper and enjoyed the affection very much more. Of course when it was over the lows were greater. The emotional pain was such that I found that I have shut down emotionally. No great pain now but I am detached from feelings.

The benefit is I did not do what I would have done if intact. In the past if a relationship ended I would fill the void with lots of sex. Multiple partners and much risk to feed the addiction that seemed to be worst when rejected. You did not want me so I found many who did. I am glad I did not repeat those behaviors and did not have that drive.

In life I can not control others or want to try. I can not control what happens. I am glad to say I am in control of my actions. Now if I can find my emotions.

Your emotions are there . They will resurface. --FLO--

While experiencing sleeplessness last night I remembered another reason I wanted to become a eunuch. These feelings come from a time before I became aware of my childhood abuse. At a time before rape when I had hopes life could be good. I thought about castration to relieve the stress I felt trying to maintain an erection during sex. I did not know why I was such a failure but if I were castrated there would be no expectations of me.

When alone or just pleasing someone I had no trouble having an erection until they wanted to do something with it. I never understood the fear I would feel when someone would try to please me. That anxiety would cause a quick retreat. I wanted to stay erect and be able to enjoy myself but could not. Once I got home I was fine but not with someone else. I also suffered from embarrassment when I failed time and again. I began to have anxiety before I was even with the man if I had a date that night.

I thought once they saw what was missing they would not even try anything with me. My stress and anxiety would be reduced. Since I did not understand the emotional reasons for my failures I sought a physical cause. Later in life I even thought about a penectomy to further ensure nothing could be done.

Of course there are some men who think that my not being able to achieve and maintain an erection during mutual sex reflects poorly on them. I thought that as a eunuch they would not have to feel that way. Now this was just one of the reasons I wanted to become a eunuch and not even one of the more important reasons. Which maybe is why I am just now remembering those thoughts.

I am back. I am now able to be happy for the time Brian and I were in contact and together. The hurt has faded and instead of being angry and bitter I decided to enjoy what was. I think this will leave me in a better space for my next relationship. Of course it is also healthier for me. As for him it sounds like he is getting on with his life and doing well and I wish him only the best. There is a lot of good in him and a lot he will have to overcome.

I was always troubled by the fact that he never seemed truly happy. At least not how happy he thought he would be. I just could not reach him to find out what all was going on in his mind. He was always kind and gentle to me but a little distant. I still do not know why he rejected me and may never know.

I also think he put too much pressure on himself. He always talked about all the love he had for me would heal me. It might have but not as quickly as he seemed to think it should have happened. When you start life with an abusive father and a mother you never bonded with it is tough when someone thinks they can fix you instantly. He was also aware of all the abuse as an adult I had suffered. He did help me heal with all the love, love letters, cards, art and many supportive phone calls through the years. I will always have issues and no one person can fix me totally or should ever put that much pressure on himself to try. Just be kind.

I have learned a valuable lesson about myself. I have major abandonment issues. Brian of course triggered those issues and caused me to withdraw from people. What I realized is that while I am feeling rejected it would be very easy to end all my friendships to save me from the pain of anyone else leaving me. In the past weeks I was waiting for friends to say the wrong things as an excuse to cut myself off from them. I was just lying in wait for the simplest offense that I would blow out of proportion and use to abandon them before they could me. Luckily I withdrew before I could do much harm. Harm was done but nothing that can not be repaired. One day when I win the lottery I will be able to afford all the therapy I need.

This was my first relationship as a eunuch. Brian and I dated when I was an intact male and by the time we got back together I was a eunuch. I think he liked the new me when it came to my emotions and loyalty but he missed my old level of sexuality. Again I may never be sure but I am pretty good at reading people. We had some wonderful times in some interesting places. I am in no hurry to enter another relationship but I will be better prepared for the next.

So here I am a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger. I am able to enjoy the love I gave and received. I have this great capacity to love and hope to meet someone who needs to be loved and of course could love me.

Relationships are complex and tricky business. I'm glad you decided not to sever your ties to your friends because REAL friends come to to your aid when you need them. Best wishes to you in the future.

Sailorboy

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 28, 2007 2:17 am What I realized is that while I am feeling rejected it would be very easy to end all my friendships to save me from the pain of anyone else leaving me. In the past weeks I was waiting for friends to say the wrong things as an excuse to cut myself off from them.

Ack. I have a tendency to do that same thing. I try not to but it just seems to be a bad habit to me.

I'm glad you're very positive about that experience and that you're learning from it.

The worst dream I ever had luckily has never repeated itself. When I awoke from this dream I was in extreme emotional and physical pain. I did not know if I would be able to go to work that morning. I could not imagine how I would call off from work due to a bad dream. Several people have interpreted this dream in interesting ways.

In the beginning of my dream I was the happiest I had ever been. I was given custody of a 2½-year-old boy. I loved him and was so proud of him. In the dream he did not have a name but he reminded me of some one. I wonder if the joy I felt is the joy other parents feel. I loved every minute with him.

This dream took place while I was still working at the hospital and in the dream I had been talking about how wonderful my son is. Several of the staff I was closest with asked to meet him. One evening I took him in to meet several of my friends and was reminded of a meeting that I needed to attend. The nurses offered to watch him while I went to the meeting.

When I returned to pick up my son the nurses were running around. I thought they have really gotten busy. I was able to stop one of them and ask where my son was. She said she would be with me in a few minutes. Eventually they told me he wondered off and they were looking for him. I began to search for him. I walked into a room with a bathtub in it and saw a towel floating on top of the water. I lifted the towel and discovered my son in the tub. He had drowned.

Immediately I woke up and had to smother my cries with my pillow. I felt broken emotionally and my body ached. I could barely make my body move to prepare for the day. I mourned for him for about six weeks before the emotional pain started to subside. If someone mentioned the loss of a child or a story on TV I could understand their pain. I considered anti depressants but felt funny asking for them due to a dream. I had to remind myself that I never had a child and this was not real. Though for some reason the emotional pain and sense of loss was so incredibly real.

If dreams are meant to be helpful I have not discovered the benefits of this one.

Horrible.

Have you ever stopped to consider that the child in the dream was some "aspect" of yourself, destroyed by the negligence of others?