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Thank you Nullorchis for your post. What I find bothersome is that I am still in the hometown. My fear is that during the years I did not value myself others learned they did not have to value me. Of course I feel much differently today but people who knew me then are unaware of the change. I have no problem letting them know I am not the same person.

I travel in different circles so I rarely see any of the men I want to avoid. My rapist/abuser is still in town. I used to spend a lot of my time indoors avoiding people.

Of course all the dog walking is getting me out and all over town. Not in the negative way I used to be all over town.

nullorchis (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:56 pm Your stories about visiting the dog adoption center and the park made me think about the old saying; You can never go back.

Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.

And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.

So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.

Only in memories.

And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.

Not fair.

We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.

So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.

In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.

It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.

Well I had two tests of my bones today. The first was when I was walking my dog this morning and tripped and fell on my right hip on a cement sidewalk. Jumped right up and continued the walk. Took some ibuprofen and carried on with my day.

Tonight we were returning from our 10:00 PM before bed walk when Corky decided he wanted to go back out. He turned and went back down the steps to the security door. I was in midstep and found myself following him backwards down the stairs. I landed at the entryway with a thud. I let out a moan and saw that I was bleeding. No one opened their door to see what had happened. I made it up the stairs and I am now in my apartment.

I can tell ibuprofen will be my friend. I have always been a faller since my youth. I am tired of it. My oldest friend attributes me to his great first aid skills. Whenever we would go on bike rides guess who would be the one to fall. Well I am sure tomorrow will be painful since tonight is not pleasant.

I was scheduled to work today but at the last minute due to "Father's Day" I had the day off. Had I known ahead of time I would have planned to march in the Pride Parade. I have not participated in several years. My older sister even said she would enjoy going with me.

While talking about Pride and walking in the parade I felt more of a supporter than of a gay person. Never feeling male or comfortable in my male body I never felt I fit in as a gay male. Sure I enjoyed pleasing men but gay men were not interested because I did not need reciprocal sex which so often found me pleasing straight men. All the talk today left me with the feeling that I really am floating free from gays, straights, men and women.

Since I present as male and I am attracted to men I simplify life by saying I am gay. An easy label that most can wrap their heads around. One that for me is partially true.

I am wondering how this free floating will continue in my life. My mind is in the best space it can be. I am truly an observer of men and women and equally amazed by them. I pass among them undetected.

Well my new relationship is going well. We are in synch with one another. He is very affectionate and glad to see me when I come home. Yes adopting a dog is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Corky and I make many new friends both human and non humans on our walks. Everyone comments on how handsome Corky is. I try to think of something nice to say about their dog. When Corky and I walk past an office building with reflective windows he likes to stop and look at himself. I need to find him one of the standing floor mirror they use in shoe stores.

Seriously he brings much joy to my life. I wish I had adopted a dog years ago. He takes me out of my head and out of the apartment. Even though he would lick any attacker I do not think about things that might happen while walking. I am so entertained that I am focused on him and keeping him out of trouble. Oh and my butt is firming up from all the walking.

I hope Corky thinks he is a lucky dog because I am very lucky to have him. Since I had little dog training experience I am glad he learned quickly on his own to pee and poop outside. I think we trained each other.

Oh what fun I am having. While grocery shopping today I became very foggy and nauseous. Similar to the feelings I had after my fall so I finally looked up information about concussions. I have the symptoms so I do think I concussed when I fell down the steps.

From what I have read the fatigue I have been feeling and my irritability are symptoms of head trauma. Ask the above average number of people I flipped off today about my irritability. The treatment is more sleep and acetaminophen instead of ibuprofen. Whoops I have been eating ibuprofen like candy for the body pains but it is not good for the brain while symptomatic. Oh and I should not drink. Tonight I will be enjoying a bottle of Beaujolais-Villages.

Symptoms may last up to three weeks. They better not. According to the sites I checked out I should not have worked a full day the next day after the fall or a 13 hour day yesterday. They compared the forgetfulness and confusion about the event as similar to someone with PTSD. Does that mean it is doubly worse for me.

I have not been diagnosed by a doctor but I checked too many of the symptom boxes to not think my brain was a little extra scrambled. I will check with him 7/13 at my next appointment. Since there is no real treatment other than time I did not see the reason to pay for any medical attention.

My advice to others is do not fall down a flight of stairs backwards and head first.

Yesterday evening I was walking Corky around the apartment complex. Normally he chooses to head to a field East of the property but last night we walked the sidewalks. Of course as we stroll I have to point out the window mistreatments we see. Then we walked around a corner and this young man was sitting on a motorcycle talking to two young women. I was wearing black plaid shorts witha blue (yes vertical) striped shirt and my black driving moccasins. I had Corky's canteen with detachable bowl slung over my shoulder. Corky had his blue collar along with his blue harness and blue leash. The young man just stared with a look of disgust and as I was looking at him I began to laugh. I found he and his attitude so absurd that I laughed out loud.

I realized I like me and I could not give a shit what he thought. The realization that he and others like him could not influence how I think or feel was powerful. There is a certain comfort in not being fearful. After all it had all been done before and I will not let it happen again. I have wasted too much time being fearful and worrying about others opinions. Oh shit is tugon going to become even more assertive.

I am also thinking about quitting my job. I have never left a client before they left me. As a caregiver I am usually with them to the end or until the family places them in Hospice care or a nursing home. My current situation is caring for a couple. The husband needs care and the wife needs a boy to jump for her every wish. Again with my improving sense of self I have a lower threshold of crap I will put up with at work or in my life. I realized I cannot surround myself with negative people. I will help someone who is having a rough time but not dwell or enjoy the negative. I help a gentleman on Sundays and it is a joy to be around he and his wife. I now realize I do not have to suffer a negative situation out of some sense of guilt of penance.

Another thought is where I might want to live in the future. As I heal I am thinking about cities I might enjoy. An add for an apartment finder service keeps popping up and I look at the apartments, floorplans and rental costs. I could afford to live in a big city. Of course there was an article recently that Columbus only 32 miles away is an up and coming gay city. Of course I am more interested in a vibrant art and music city. I love Philidelphia and Chicago. I am beginning to dream again. Of course when I dream really big I dream of Paris. A nice flat in Paris with a balcony facing the Seine.

Another Friday night and I am in front of the keyboard with a glass of wine in my hand. I am on emotional shutdown. Oh shit where did my feelings go again. I tried to watch Brokeback Mountain but I had trouble getting the dvd to play through the satelite system. Brokeback Mountain can get me in touch with my feelings quicker than anything else. Maybe Maggie Bell's Queen of the Night will do it for me. Maggie's record contains songs that can take me back to a time when I had hope and it was lost.

Much of my life is very positive and optomistic and all of a sudden I am empty with no feelings. As I have mentioned before I would rather feel sad then feel nothing. I still have not found the trigger to my emptiness. I wonder if this will always happen in life for me. Who pulled the drain plug that let me empty out.

One thing new I noticed this time is a sense of being incredibly bored. The boredom was building when all of a sudden feelings were gone. Too much of the same shit but different day.

Maybe this is me letting me know I cannot settle for this life anymore. Small town Ohio is not where I fit. Even the elderly I care for ridicule my interests. No I do not like sports but I love art. Yes interior design is important and your home is devoid of taste. Oh and please do not say anything ugly about another state that legalizes gay marriage because you have enough in your family to have your own march. Oh and the next time I find Faux Views on your tv I am cutting the cables.

Yes when I am lacking feelings I am a real bitch. Bore me with your redundancies and I will lash out. Oh well until my mood improves I will enjoy the company of my dog. At the end of my work day I am anxious to get home to see him. I wish I was feeling that way about people these days.

Souvenirs

All the snow has turned to water

Christmas days have come and gone

Broken toys and faded colors

Are all that's left to linger on

I hate graveyards and old pawn shops

For they always bring me tears

I can't forgive the way they rob me

Of my childhood souvenirs

Chorus:

Memories they can't be boughten

They can't be won at carnivals for free

Well it took me years

To get those souvenirs

And I don't know how they slipped away from me

Broken hearts and dirty windows

Make life difficult to see

That's why last night and this mornin'

Always look the same to me

I hate reading old love letters

For they always bring me tears

I can't forgive the way they rob me

Of my sweetheart's souvenirs

Last night was a night of dreams and bringing back old memories. The dream was about living in Columbus where I went to Catholic school for the first, second and part of the third grade. I dreamt of the house, neighborhood and a few friends from those days. The dream has made me want to return to the area and drive around to see what it is like now. I do not think it is a very good area these days unlike the safe area where we walked to school. I am not sure if seeing the old neighborhood would be a help.

I think the house is still there since I googled it several years ago. I am not sure if the school or church are there or have been renamed. When I attended the Church the name was St. Gabriel as was the school. I also do not know if the bars dad used to take me to before I started school are still there. The bars were the M&S and the Knotty Pine.

Speaking of the neighborhood and as I have posted before accross the street there were two young men sharing a house. I think one was planning to be married. We kids took great delight in being a bother to them. One of them threatened to pull our pants down if we did not leave. All the kids ran away screaming but I circled back. I was very excited by this threat. The next thing I remember is someone from the neighborhood explaining why one of the young men was rushed to the hospital. I was told something was wrong and they had to put a glass tube in him so he could pee.

Again as I have mentioned before it was in the second grade I had wetting accidents. I have never had bladder control issues before and pottie trained easily. I remember it being easier to piss myself than asking for permission to use the boy's room. It was like I was frozen in my seat.

Another memory involved one of my classmates who lived on the same street as the school. I had a crush on him. Now after the dream I can realize his family must have been fairly poor. The house was small and the kitchen cabinets had no doors but cloth panels like curtains to cover the food and dishes stored there. I remember us as being a little better off but I am not sure if that is correct. I loved going to his house with him and I cannot remeber if he left or we made our escape from dad. I am not sure if I should have had some of those feelings in the first three grades of elementary school.

I remembered I was never sent to Kindergarten like my siblings. I was second in order and my older sister and two younger siblings went but I did not attend. I was told it was optional back then but why was it an option for me. I was quite capable in those days and maybe more than my older sister. In the dream I also remebered being made to take naps with my mother when I would hear the other kids out playing. Maybe I was not the quiet child I thought I was.

If I dream tonight I hope I dream of travel and vacations.

I am having all these dreams of the past. Many times dreams have opened past memories for me. I feel that something is about to be revealed. Of course with any negative memories comes other remembrances.

I found some peace with knowing that I may never be aware of all my childhood. I know enough so please stay suppressed. Why bother me with old memories at this late date.

If I thought any new knowledge would help but it rarely does. I remember a time when new knowledge presented itself and I raged for two weeks after. I do not need to ever go through that again. I have made my peace and enjoy my peaceful life.

So dear subconscious please leave me alone. I know as much about me, my motivations and why I had acted out. I do not need anything else from the past. I am living in the present and facing tomorrow and my back is to the past.

Yesterday, I finally got a copy of a particular out-of-print book, Walter M. Elsasser, "The Chief Abstractions of Biology," North Holland/American Elsevier, 1975. Elsasser, a theoretical physicist, earlier wrote, "The Physical Foundation of Biology: An Analytical Study," Pergamon Press, 1958 and later wrote, "Reflections on a Theory of Organisms," Editions Oribis, 1987. (I have yet to acquire his "Atoms and Organism," Princeton U. Press, 1966.)

On pages 62-64 of The Chief Abstractions of Biology, chapter title "Empirical variability and individuality," section title, "Biochemical individuality," proposes the view that individual people are biochemically (and biologically) unique. He draws on prior work of Roger Williams. From pages 63-64:

It would clearly defeat the purposes of the present book if we allowed ourselves to be drawn into any of the endless arguments that may all too readily arise from the interpretation of such variegated data. To forestall such difficulties, I am drawing the following pages from the book by Roger Williams (1956). I have not found any indication that the contents of this book can in any significant sense be called 'obsolete'.

The Roger Williams book is "Biochemical Individuality," John Wiley, 1956. My life took me through three years as a physics major in college before I transferred to a different school to pursue bioengineering. It might (or might not?) be fair to think that my total education is of a strong background in biophysical engineering.

So what? There is a little "thing" in physics, the Pauli Exclusion Principle. While yet a physics major, I pondered the domain of definition of the Pauli Exclusion Principle (simply put, in a given "thing," no two quantum states can actually be identical), and came to the opinion that said domain of definition is the entirety of existence. That led me to explore the usefulness of the notion that, "if two things are actually the same, there is only one of them."

Tugon asks that his subconscious leave him in peace. He asks for that, I shall hope it is what he gets.

Alas, I am another person, one whose life is one of shattering childhood trauma (in public schools and not at home), and I am a person whose life journey seems to ask of me that I remember every significant detail of my life, the better that I may live what I find to be my vocation; doing all I can to unriddle what causes child abuse and what will plausibly prevent child abuse at some time in the indefinite future.

No less than it is right and proper (in my own view) for Tugon to ask his subconscious to leave him alone, I find it right and proper to ask my subconscious to become an aspect of my fully conscious awareness.

Thus, I meet with a puzzlement. If I work at bringing all things subconscious in my life into fully conscious awareness, and if I post words here, to what extent will my postings set off subconscious stirrings in other people, stirrings other people prefer to not experience?

If it does not have a solution, can it be a problem? Do not all problems, by definition, have solutions?

Janekane I appreciate your response. We are certainly on different paths to our happiness. I do hope you are able to learn from your subconcious all you need to know to heal. I occasionally post on another site where we share our abuse and if it is severe we post warnings that it may trigger. I find that only when the trauma is similar to mine does it trigger flashbacks. I hope you post freely as I always have. This site is more supportive than other sites I post.

I made the mistake one time of trying to open up all the memories and find my inner child. I will never try that again without professional help. I fell into a deep depression that I was not sure I could recover. I think I know the key points of the cause for my struggles through life. When a memory is recovered I cannot say it made me feel better but made sense. "Oh that is why I felt or acted the way I did" but it did not make anything better just understood. I have learned enough to understand why I am who I am today. New knowledge will not benefit my life.

If I had to say there is any benefit for the knowledge I already have is why I have such negative relationships with people. Or I should say why negative people can latch on to me so easily. I should mention my truly good friends that have supported me through my life and struggles and wondered for years why I got myself in some messes. Now we all know and understand. I am pleased to say I have bonded well with my dog.

Tugon,

The path that works for you is right for you; similarly, the way that works for me is right for me.

There can be terrible outcomes from probing where it is best to let things quietly be.

I had professional help in learning how to safely get to the most shatteringly terrifying abuses of my childhood. For a time, several years, I had double (80 percent times two - which totaled 100 percent) or triple (80 percent times two plus 100 percent - which also totaled 100 percent) psychiatric insurance coverage which never, never quit, no matter what. Total dollar cost somewhere between half a million and a million...

My life seems to have given me the ability to plunge to the bottom of the pit of perdition, and perhaps below it, find what is there, and clamber back up to into daylight. I had dreams about this as a child, having been camping with my family before kindergarten, and I was familiar with campground pit toilets. In some of those dreams, it was as though I was at the bottom of the pit, where I could see a point of light almost infinitely above me. From time to time, the point of light would go dark for a short time, in those dreams, and much later, "stuff" (is excrement a more useful word?) would finally fall all the way down to me.

I Learned to be grateful for the excrement, in those dreams, as I came to understand that, if enough of it fell down on me, and I were able to keep climbing on top of it, eventually, I might get to the top of the pit and be able to get out, and into the originally impossibly distant light. That dream, much changed, still sometimes happens. Recently, however, it is very bright except when the "stuff" is about to fall, and I can almost reach the rim of the hole. Only a little more "stuff" it seems, and I expect to be able to climb out and into the light, in that dream (and perhaps in my actual life?).

There have been times in my life when I was astonished to realize that my body had managed to take another breath.

My wife and I have two cats. One, a shelter cat, was and remains named Lucy. Her nickname is Lucy Fur. Lucy is a light-bearer. Neither of our cats ever deceive me, neither ever tells me that I am not a valid person.

Pets can be truthful in ways many people cannot be, not yet.

Bonding

This morning was so peaceful. Corky and I were out walking and the air was cool and a gentle rain was falling. Corky loves being out of doors and together we have explored much of the woods around the apartment complex. He is also good at introducing me to others. He loves to meet people and since I am just a leash away I participate. I find myself comfortable with other dog walkers/owners. I am sure I am with cat owners also but I rarely see any walking their cats. I do like the woman who takes her rabbit out on a leash.

Since adopting Corky in February we have formed a bond. I was nervous at first since I do not always do well with males. At first when we were out of synch with one another I was concerned but shortly we were both doing what we should. This time I did not make a bad choice. He is very loving and affectionate with me as I am with him. You might go so far as to say Corky is spoiled. In the past when I have tried to spoil people they ended up turning rotten. Corky keeps me active, laughing and is good company.

What amazes me is my comfort walking down city streets with him. Walking used to be fearful for me since I know that I am somewhat vulnerable. I have to admit that since my rapist still lives I did not like being far from my car or the apartment. Now I proudly walk him on main streets without worry. Since we walk three times a day I have learned most of the fear and anxiety was in my head. Oh and Corky is so loving he might lick an attacker.

Corky has been better than any therapist who has ever treated me. He even has me attending public events that support the Humane Society where I adopted him. I am so happy I am working to support them in any way I can and he loves visiting with the staff. I made the mistake of taking him to the shelter to let them see how well he is doing. He froze at the beginning of the sidewalk and would not go any further. I realized he might have thought I was taking him back. Corky even walked me in a 5K fun walk which is the closest to an athletic event I have ever participated. Wow I no longer hide inside behind locked doors.

I do not know, but I am hoping, if this healing and happiness will transfer to my interactions with people. I have well earned trust issues with people but I have been finding them more pleasant of late. Since my anxieties are fading I am more comfortable socially. Well until my latest texting annoyance sends another text. I can laugh at the frequency now instead of my day being ruined. I think the most important lesson I have learned is it is far better to rescue a dog than to try and improve a human's life. Be they in prison or an ugly situation I can help but I cannot fix. I was trying to do for others what I would have liked for someone to do for me when my life was so ugly. One day I realized there was no hero coming to rescue me so I had to become my own hero. Now I know each day I have to champion myself. Protect myself, my home and my doggie hero.

Tugon, this is wonderful! I'm so happy for you!

Peter

The last time I took Snoop-Dogg out (the fat beagle), I ended up with yet ANOTHER herd of kids following us around. The time before that, a very old, very drunk old man. This is why we stay home.

Paolo wrote: Wed Sep 07, 2011 12:46 pm The last time I took Snoop-Dogg out (the fat beagle), I ended up with yet ANOTHER herd of kids following us around. The time before that, a very old, very drunk old man. This is why we stay home.

Yes the kids love Corky. They run up and ask if they can pet him. I tell them he would be sad if they did not. One boy brought out his dog to show Corky and me. I always wear these rubber/plastic gardening shoes I call my poop proof/pee proof shoes. All of a sudden the little boy said "Mister my dog is peeing on your shoe" and I smiled and said that is why I wear them. I have not yet attracted any drunks but one young man that was both a minister and a Buddhist. He sounded like he had quite a troubled life. I finally told him Corky cannot poop with company so he went on his way. I did not doubt what he had told me but he was messing with my peaceful time.

In addition, walking is good for health, mind, and spirit. It physically increases endorphins which, without the assistance of chemically manufactured drugs that have side effects, help you feel better. I tend to remember the names of neighbor's dogs, but forget the people names. Good pets help us work through barriers, difficulties, which is why they are brought into senior living, nursing homes and hospitals.

Of dogs and doctors.

Yes nullorchis all the walking is paying off. Today I went to the doctors for the usual diabetic check up and the numbers had improved. Weight loss, good A1C, and no neuropathy made him happy. What I noticed today after he asked if I was married was that he might not read charts. I shared quite a lot with my last Doc. Maybe that is why he has not opened that can of worms. He seems to be a doctor by the numbers. If your numbers are good you must be good. I had told his nurse about my fall down the steps and the concussion. She either did not relay it to him or he was interested in getting in and out so quickly. I was going to ask him some questions about why I am now having frequent headaches when I rarely had a headache. I also wanted to ask about the increased level of irritability. I would love to have a good doctor.

Corky is still walking me three times a day. We are both enjoying the cooler temps so we are out longer for each walk. The peaceful early morning walks before the sun has risen are my favorite. I was working on the computer last night and he came over and licked my ear. I was surprised it gave me a shiver. My first thought is oh that is why people do it. I dated an ear licker once but I could not enjoy it due to my issues. Oddly from my dog I wass surprised by how it felt. No beastiality going on here just an odd glimpse at a pleasure I was never able to accept from a human.

I decided that for my health I needed to get more sleep. Sadly with more sleep are more dreams. Drinking and staying up as long as possible helped to minimize them. Hearing of all the benefits of 7 hours of sleep I thought I would try it. While I think the quality of my waking hours is better I hate replaying some events in my mind. My one favorite dream is of Corky and I walking together in Paris. Of course I would not put him through a long flight in the bottom of a plane. We would have to cross the ocean by ship. Oddly one of the things Corky will do is sit on my bed and stare at the five pictures of Paris I had taken. So each night I hope for dreams of travel and not past traumas.

One of my new intersts is decorating my home. I am no Nate Berkus but I would love for him to visit and give tips. I have some future furniture plans but will need to enjoy what I have for awhile. Since welcoming Corky I have put my better bed linens in storage so my beds are usually just sheets and unmade. Or if they are made he disturbs the covers during play or nesting for a nap. We both have queen sized beds and he enjoys them both. He brings much more joy than a pretty bed but as he ages I hope to return to my nice duvets and better sheets. Now home is filled with art, design and much fun. A lot more fun and a light covering of dog hair feels more like home.

Enjoying a day off today which is much needed. I am trying to keep the day peaceful while still accomplishing some chores. Listening to some jazz on vinyl and doing a little personal inventory. Too bad I have jeans in the dryer to interrupt the peace. My dog has crawled under the bed which is how he shows displeasure when I am at the computer.

Speaking of Corky he has developed the ability to play hide-n-seek. The first time he was under the bed and would not come when I called him. I looked around the apartment and kept calling his name. All of a sudden I saw the white tip of his tail wagging and when I god down on the floor he was so happy I found him. Another time he crawled under the sheet and bedspread and remained perfectly still. Of course what was funny is he was standing up on the bed. The last time he hid between the headboard and wall. He is certainly getting better at the game.

I am becoming fascinated with Interior Design. I spend time thinking of ways to improve my living space. My mailbox is usually full of catalogs or design magazines. I am a fan of Nate Berkus for a number of reasons. Currently I am quite pleased with my space but who knows when the itch will come to change something. I love the very creative small space designs I see but I am not organized enough to live in a truly small space. Oh and the show International House Hunters whenever they are in Paris is either watched or recorded.

One thing I find strange is I think I have peaked eunuchly. I still have a sense of calm but that great need for affection and those early overwhelming emotions have faded. Tears no longer come easily. My dog did recently have a spinal strain and I did cry from worry about him but the tears are more infrequent. In some ways it is good to not be a faucet. It is strange to think I will be happy without human companionship but my dog will more than make up for any void.

I am not sure if this is possible but I think my last head trauma and concussion has changed me somewhat. I still am a little more irritable than before. I misspeak more often than I did before the fall down the steps. I have less concern for others. Thoughts seem to be more jumbled for me. I am troubled with less short term memory of course this happens mainly at work where the demands come fast and furious. I have become very concerned about protecting my head and avoiding falls.

Speaking of work the wife of the couple I care for has been calling me silly little boy and laughing a little too long when I do misspeak. One day I asked her to stop. She stated she needed to go to the bathroom and while in there she thought of another way to insult me. I was going to drive she and her husband to the health clinic where a nurse would come to the car and give them their flu shots. When she came out she announced that I could not take them to the appointment. She felt I was too large to fit in their car. Even a frail 82 year old woman feels she can abuse me.

Oh well it is time to go hiking with my best dog. Now that is a peaceful experience.

Mommie Dearest

I bumped into a grade/middle school teacher. In my Catholic schools it was grades 1 thru 8 and then off to high school for grades 9 thru 12. I, all of a sudden, remembered going to her house for dinner which I thought odd. Once there the questions began about my drop in grades. I being the most self unaware person there is had no clue. I never connected the being bullied and struggling with thoughts of other boys as something that might affect my grades. Of course at the time I was clueless to earlier traumas. I wondered what all I would tell her if she asked me today.

During this time I remembered mother asking if I thought I might be a pervert and did I want to see a psychologist. I knew what I thought a pervert was and I wondered about her definition. Could this have been her way to ask if I was gay? Did she know something from my past and thought I would surely become a pervert? She said many hurtful things so I did not ask to avoid any more hurt. I was so confused about sex that I had not even masturbated yet.

Like father I knew she was not pleased with me. She would take me to the sporting goods departments and point out the models on the weights and ask if I would not like to look that way. I had no interest and even worse no interest in sports. The games based on football and the subscription to Sports Illustrated did not help either. Being called a sissy was not the motivator she thought it might be. She was pleased when dad would pick me up to take me to a college football game. I was in fear during that time with him and the only thing I was concerned about scoring was the number of hot dogs.

As I may have mentioned before I was expected to be the man of the family. She would discuss financial problems with me and I would have nightmares of being evicted and living in a one room space above a garage. Of course I always felt I had failed. Being the man of the family when I received money for a birthday or Christmas it would be borrowed to help the family but never paid back. I think some of my early credit issues were based on I was never paid back so why should I pay a corporation back. It took me a long time to understand those obligations.

Mom and my two sisters loved to torment me. They would get me so upset that I would call them "bunches of bitches" and run to my room. My older sister was my worst abuser at home. When I left for college she only had my younger sister and brother to abuse. Mom would not allow her to abuse them so she threw my older sister out. When I was there to take the abuse that was fine but mother would not let the younger ones be abused. My older sister was the one who hit me on the head so hard with a brick that it broke.

Mother told me on many occasions that we never bonded. My lazy new born ass should have crawled over and given her a hug. Maybe dad was already cheating on her at the time. I am 13 months younger than my sister. Knowing what my father made me do I wonder if he did not force himself on mother before she was ready. I do not know what kept her from being able to bond with me as she did her other three children. We certainly had a different relationship. I never knew affection or compliments. Later years if she tried to touch me or stroke my hair my flesh would crawl.

She did not want to be alone so she kept me close. Mom would tell me I would never have anyone. If I was interested in finding an apartment she would say do not think you can come back if you screw up again. She had many excuses as to why she would not meet anyone I might be dating. I came home from work one day and she was looking at this portfolio. I asked what it was and she said she put the house up for sale and she is looking for a one bedroom condo. I reassured her I would not be following her. She needed me in a home built in the 1850's but not for a new condo. I found a one bedroom apartment and due to all her negative messages through all the years I stood in the middle and cried. I felt absolutely incapable of handling everything I would need to be on my own. She destroyed my sense of self to keep me close and I had to rebuild to survive.

She died several years ago and I feel better without all the negativity.

I just realized I forgot to celebrate my eunuch anniversary. In the past this has been an important day. Oh well everyday being content with yourself is a celebration. I never had a party just thought about how far I have come.

Life is good. I do, on occasion, need to take an emotional dump as demonstrated by some of my posts. I rarely think about the old days other than once in a while a twinge of embarrassment over some previous behaviors. I have more peace and contentment than I ever thought I would have.

My friends who knew me prior to 12/06/97 are pleased to witness my change. Few knew of the surgical benefit but they see the overall effect. I guess I forgot to celebrate this year because I am so comfortable with myself.

I am so glad I have my dog waiting for me at home and our peaceful walks. After a day at work he cheers me up. Work is not bad but my client is suffering needlessly. He has four types of cancer which are fairly advanced. His daughter, an LPN, hates Hospice. All I have to give him for pain is Vicodin and at the lowest strength. He also has a wife in complete denial. Since this is my sixth of seven days in a row I am drained.

I hate to see humans and animals suffer. I hate to witness it and not convince families to do more for their loved one. Of course he is part of the problem since he shares with me how badly he is feeling and tells the wife and children he is okay. He is from the generation where men do not admit to pain or weakness. He has always been a good husband and provider and will not relinquish that role and let others do for him.

His wife thinks if he would shower everyday he would feel better. He does not feel like doing much so he is lazy. His oncologist wonders why his bones have not broken due to the lack of bone mass caused by the bone cancer. While caring for him I have to ignore some of her demands. She needs some assistance but as he has become less able she has begun to do less for herself.

I am trying to keep my batteries charged by avoiding negative situations away from work. I listen to music and watch only comedies on TV. Walking and playing ball with my dog is a good stress reliever. I avoid people who are not able to be upbeat and positive for at least part of the time.

I plan on being here for the duration but I have to keep myself up.

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:00 am I am so glad I have my dog waiting for me at home and our peaceful walks. After a day at work he cheers me up. Work is not bad but my client is suffering needlessly. He has four types of cancer which are fairly advanced. His daughter, an LPN, hates Hospice. All I have to give him for pain is Vicodin and at the lowest strength. He also has a wife in complete denial. Since this is my sixth of seven days in a row I am drained.

I hate to see humans and animals suffer. I hate to witness it and not convince families to do more for their loved one. Of course he is part of the problem since he shares with me how badly he is feeling and tells the wife and children he is okay. He is from the generation where men do not admit to pain or weakness. He has always been a good husband and provider and will not relinquish that role and let others do for him.

His wife thinks if he would shower everyday he would feel better. He does not feel like doing much so he is lazy. His oncologist wonders why his bones have not broken due to the lack of bone mass caused by the bone cancer. While caring for him I have to ignore some of her demands. She needs some assistance but as he has become less able she has begun to do less for herself.

I am trying to keep my batteries charged by avoiding negative situations away from work. I listen to music and watch only comedies on TV. Walking and playing ball with my dog is a good stress reliever. I avoid people who are not able to be upbeat and positive for at least part of the time.

I plan on being here for the duration but I have to keep myself up.

May what ever higher power you believe in bless you for your good work! Hospice nurses are some of the most caring nurses on the planet IMHO. They took such good care of my father in his final days.

GabbyLil (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:11 am May what ever higher power you believe in bless you for your good work! Hospice nurses are some of the most caring nurses on the planet IMHO. They took such good care of my father in his final days.

Thank you but I want to clarify that I am an aide/caregiver not a nurse. I am glad your father received very good care but sorry for your loss.

Too Many Ghosts

The home where I am a caregiver is usually quite warm at 73 degrees. Since becoming a eunuch I run very warm. Today I was walking through parts of the house and I would freeze. The thermostat read 73 degrees but everyone was cold today. I walked my dog this evening in 34 degrees and felt warmer.

The gentleman is not long for this world with four types of cancer. He has dementia but understood he had cancer. I have been seeing the signs of impending death and his conversations with people from his past. I find it fascinating when people are between both worlds. Tonight his son stopped by and asked his dad how he was doing? He told his son he was dying. I knew it, some of his family accepted it but I had no idea he was aware. This surprised and saddened me because I thought he could pass without the knowledge of the end.

I think all those cold spots in the house were many coming back to welcome him home. I am glad he is surrounded by family of the physical world and the spiritual world. I have complained about his wife but if I had a father I would have like him to be like my patient. He is a loving father and was always supportive and protective to his children. I will be sad when he dies and I am afraid I will be sad very soon.