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Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:32 am I agree that Falling Water is a beautiful bit of art but I can't picture living there comfortably. --FLO--

I was surprised by the size of the rooms compared to our standards today. Of course it was the country/summer home. I knew before I went but much of the furniture is built-in which meant in the living space the seating was like benches with cushions along the walls. The beds were either twin or full sized with no choice of a queen bed. Lots of stone, steel, glass and cement.

I was responding in another thread and it brought out some emotions that are better shared in my own thread. One of the triggers for the past resentments was a phrase "flaunting your sexuality" which has been used against me numerous times. Then I was told to be more discrete and I made light about how out I am. I thought that response was better than more emotions from the truth. So what follows is to better explain the past and paint myself in a better light.

As I mentioned bullying started for me in the 7th grade and continued on until the 11th grade. I am not sure why but all of a sudden the physical and verbal abuse stopped. Of course everyone was still convinced I was gay. I am resentful that I did not have time to figure me out and then choose which friends to whom I would come out. I imagine that would have been an exciting but nervous time but that was taken from me. I was out there before I was even sure.

When I was working at the department store while attending college, in another city, I did come out to a few co-workers. I might as well have made a store wide announcement. Still a little shell shocked from the hometown I expected the worst. Most people were kind and management was pretty cool. Before long a new manager arrived and decided to get rid of me. He bragged the day after I was fired that he had gotten rid of the fag.

When I started at the hospital I was not going to be out. I went 1 1/2 years in the work closet. Again working back in the hometown I am surprised I was able to for so long. One woman who married a guy from my high school was the first to start spreading the news. Another gay guy I knew from the local bar confirmed for everyone and soon I was out. I was being discrete and not flaunting my sexuality but people in those days would not leave me alone. I was treated differently, ignored, had to deal with death threats and other pleasantries.

The advice of staying in the closet and not flaunting your sexuality is not always possible. People will not let you stay in the closet. If people do not like you because your gay they can easily twist what you say as an example of how you flaunt. As I mentioned the time I said a buddy and I went to a movie this idiot woman reported me for flaunting my sexuality.

I guess many firsts have been taken away from me. Even sexually since I was abused as a child my first consensual sex act did not feel right. Being gay has brought a lot of cruelty and pain to my life. I am glad it is getting easier and I know it gets better but we have a long way to go.

I was out walking my beautiful dog this morning as we do everyday. We were walking through a field when I lost my sense of direction. I know from reading that no T eunuchs have a poorer sense of direction. I think this may be more than a lack of sense of direction.

What was different this morning was I was walking through a field we walk frequently. All of a sudden I was not sure which direction to walk. My brain saw the field as larger than it was and the two sides lined with evergreens looked more similar than usual. I could not differentiate between apartment buildings and the cottages at the behavioral health hospital behind the other row of trees. I finally figured out which way to go.

I have never experienced disorientation like that even after concussions. I was lost in a familiar place. I do not want this to ever happen again.

That's disturbing.

No other symptoms to go with it?

Paolo wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 3:30 am That's disturbing.

No other symptoms to go with it?

No and I was trying to figure out what happened. Since it was on my mind I forgot to take my blood sugar. I wish I knew what that had been.

Yesterday I turned my neck and suddenly felt a pain. I had a slight headache after that I still have. I do have complicated migraines which do cause confusion. I had not had one in so long a time that I had forgot about them. I did not have any visual disturbances before it happened that usually warn me they are coming. This morning was different since the disorientation came on quick and ended quickly.

Of course I could have had one more glass of wine than I needed.

Nice post about the whole being 'flamboyant' issue. Like you said, if people want to hate, they are going to regardless of your behaviour, which is total BS. Yep, humans still have a long way to go in regards to tolerance/acceptance of difference.

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:51 am I have never experienced disorientation like that even after concussions. I was lost in a familiar place. I do not want this to ever happen again.

If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

JesusA wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 5:51 am If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

I much prefer "upper middle age moment". If we did not walk that field practically everyday I would not have been so upset. All of a sudden I did not know up from down or my ass from a hole in the ground.

JesusA wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 5:51 am If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

Actually, having a senior moment would freak me out. I can tolerate the physical aches and pains and physical limitations of growing older, but I hope the brain is the last organ to go.

I do take some supplements that seem to help, choline (prefer choline chloride, which is difficult to find, but can be ordered online), Focus Factor, which I get at Costco, and a new one, Vinpocetine, which I added a few months ago (Viagra for the brain I saw it called). Vinpocetine aids blood flow to the brain. I've been taking choline in one form or the other for the last 40 years.

It all seems to be helping, and although I have no hard evidence it is, I have an excellent memory, one I'll put next to a 25 year-old's any day. I always know where I put my glasses, my keys, and the remote control.

I glanced at the odds for Powerball this morning, and I can quote them now, many hours later, as 1 out of 175,223,510. I can name all the presidents and all the state capitols. I'm impressed at how much sharper I feel after taking the Vinpocetine. The effects aren't immediate, but after a couple of months I noticed a difference. I just reordered another supply.

A 22 year-old in a team meeting today remarked about how smart I was, and I'm the oldest person working for our company at our facility. My sister, a year younger than I am, has her senior moments. So does a cousin, also a year younger than I am. I'm not bragging; I'm just saying there are ways to protect one's brain. Of course, it helps that I've never smoked; nor do I drink or smoke pot. It also helps to keep one's weight under control, to get a little exercise, and to keep the brain engaged.

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 4:14 am No and I was trying to figure out what happened. Since it was on my mind I forgot to take my blood sugar. I wish I knew what that had been.

Yesterday I turned my neck and suddenly felt a pain. I had a slight headache after that I still have. I do have complicated migraines which do cause confusion. I had not had one in so long a time that I had forgot about them. I did not have any visual disturbances before it happened that usually warn me they are coming. This morning was different since the disorientation came on quick and ended quickly.

Of course I could have had one more glass of wine than I needed.

Years ago when I was working as an optician, I had a patient w/ migraine problems who described periods of disorientation similar to your experience. He said that though he could remember up to the moment, it was like waking up in a strange room and not knowing how you got there. He said he would wait and the details would fill in over a period of a few seconds or minutes.

Transward

Hell, I've been chasing keys, cell phones, and the like for ten years!

To this day, I still don't know where that other set of keys to my 2002 Dakota is, and I dumped it in 2006.

Back in 2001, I woke up at Talula's house one night and thought "Where the hell am I and how did I get here?"

If I was not worried about my blood losing red and white cells along with platelets this incident would not have been so upsetting. I also started on folic acid prescribed by my Oncologist. A side effect is confusion. I have also had verbal issues since my last concussion. Also if my blood sugar was too high or too low that could have caused it.

Of course hypochondria runs in the family. I had an aunt die from hypochondria. She went to so many doctors and took so many pills. She went to the hospital for every test. She was probed more than a small Southwest town during a space alien invasion. (One must be alien specific.) She eventually succumbed to all the good care she received.

Last night I decided to calm myself down. Things happen and I do not need to read anything into it. If it becomes a routine event I will worry. For now I am not looking for trouble. My dog and I walked through that field last night without problems. Oh I did have a little anxiety but not as much fear as I had when lost in a very familiar and open field.

Paolo wrote: Thu Nov 29, 2012 5:58 pm Back in 2001, I woke up at Talula's house one night and thought "Where the hell am I and how did I get here?"

A surprisingly common question when waking up at Talula's house. --FLO--

Tugon, I know others who have had similar experiences without any other evident problems. I agree with you that it is too soon to worry about it or to be anxious. --FLO--

I have now been a no T eunuch for 15 years. I am sure I started puberty earlier but I did not achieve orgasm through masturbation until 15 years of age. I could not figure out all the interest in sex until I began to wonder why the penis sliding in and out of an opening would bring such pleasure. One day I decided to recreate what that might feel like and all of a sudden toes curled. Fifteen seems to be a good number for me.

As a eunuch I did have sex with one man. My eunuch self found it to be a lot of effort for his satisfaction. Since he knew me during the days of my sexual addiction/compulsion he found the eunuch me calm, boring and needing touch with emotional support. He knew what I had been through but chose to remember the other me, the long since gone me.

From Eunuch Calm to Eunuch Boredom

A spark, a drive is missing from life. The eunuch calm takes over until the eunuch boredom overwhelms. Yes I feel too much calm leads to boredom. That lack of desire to be intimate, for touch to excite, for contact with another body to matter. Interests become more ethereal and less physical.

Is humanity lost when the need for touch is over? I am no longer comfortable with touch or touching and to avoid it I avoid people. Of course is this part of being eunuch or a victim of what I have endured. I find I am not good at talking about being eunuch, which is my gender, because the abuse is also a component of who I am. I do not dwell on having been abused but I am pleased by the eunuch I am today.

Yes I am happy with who I am today. I have great fun with my dog. I love how I have decorated my apartment. I enjoy both the art and the music I have collected. This will be as exciting as it can be.

after being lurking around since mid nineties gathering tons of first hand experience descriptions only after having gone through real chem castration trial everything you tell about eunuchdom makes sense. Otherwise it would have been just a dry collection of facts. For me at least.

I reread my post and I did not want it to sound bleak. I am happy to be a eunuch and will be celebrating tonight. What I was trying to say is that eunuch calm is a good thing but after being calm for so long it begins to feel like boredom. Of course the first 41 years were very chaotic so the calm 15 seem very calm.

It has been awhile since that huge surge of emotions that happened when my T levels dropped. Years since a hot flash. After all the initial changes I stabilized and I am now just eunuch me.

I wanted to thank everyone who has read and those that have commented on my ramblings through the years.

I am sitting in my chair in front of my stereo and listening to Messiaen's "Eclairs Sur L'Au-Dela". As I am listening to the music and enjoying a little wine I am thinking about some recent emotions. We have a local weatherman that I enjoy watching as he predicts the weather. He has a happy gentleness about him. I checked him out on facebook and he is gay in a committed relationship and has two adopted children. I am happy for him but sad for me. Why are all the good ones gay and married?

In actuality this was just a reminder that I never found the love of my life. Well I did but an auto accident took him away from me. I know now I am too emotionally damaged to have a relationship. Due to my abuse at an early age I still respond to situations with all the emotional maturity of a 7 year old. A pouting 7 year old can be a detriment to an adult relationship.

I am 56 and I have a hard time feeling my age. A really strange feeling comes from my being 23 when I entered into an abusive situation. It ended when I was castrated at 41. I should say it physically ended but there were 5 more years of phone harassment until I was 46. I think my mind wants to go back to an earlier age to reclaim those lost years. Again I think I froze in time. I would like to bring all aspects of myself to my current age. I do not physically feel my age but I would like my mind to settle on one age.

In some ways I have never grown up. If I could fly I would be Peter Pan. I am 7 years old, I am 23 years old and all in the body of a 56 year old.

Never say never... Just the moment you think that is never going to be someone for you. Puff, someone falls into your life. It can happen!

OneBallBoi (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:18 am Never say never... Just the moment you think that is never going to be someone for you. Puff, someone falls into your life. It can happen!

I concur. Wasn't even looking but a bit more than two years ago I found the person for me. The feeling was mutual, and we have planned and are executing a merging of our two lives. Things are really going wonderfully -- for both of us. So much goodness and happiness. It can happen to anyone at anytime.

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:25 pm I concur. Wasn't even looking but a bit more than two years ago I found the person for me. The feeling was mutual, and we have planned and are executing a merging of our two lives. Things are really going wonderfully -- for both of us. So much goodness and happiness. It can happen to anyone at anytime.

Bud I am so happy for you. Cheers to many years of happiness!

Tomorrow was supposed to be my bone marrow test. I decided to cancel it since the procedure had the chance of being quite expensive. I will wait until the Affordable Care Act is operating completely and I can afford insurance. Since radiology, anasthesia and surgery would be involved and a friends husband who had it done his bill was over $6,000 of course insurance picked up a large portion of his expense. My bill could potentially be higher since I am usually charged list price on procedures.

I have always had trouble taking care of my health. Life has always seemed so temporary to me with no sense of future. I am routinely surprised when it hits me I am 56 years old. I never saw that happening and certainly did not prepare to be older. I find it foolish to have these tests when I feel good and I am asymptomatic. On the other hand it would be nice not to have that worry. How old would I like to be? When I was dealing with all the abuse I thought 45 would be a good age for life to end. Then when mother died and I thought now I could end my life without upsetting her. Of course if there is an after life I could use a break so I need to stay alive longer. Maybe she would not find so many faults in me when I was in spirit form. Mom, what do you mean my spirit is a little heavier than it should be? Then I thought I needed to live to be 55 because I wanted to receive my retirement from that fucking hospital that fired me. So today I am living out of avoidance and spite. Now I want to live as long as my dog lives. One day walking through the woods our hearts could both give out and we would fall to the ground.

Of course I am doing some things for my health. I am taking folic acid along with a better grade of calcium for my bones and fish oil. I just heard yesterday about how two coma patients were helped with mega doses of fish oil and how it helped heal the brain. As I have mentioned before I have deficits from my last backward tumble down the steps and along with my bike riding concussion and breaking the windshield with my head I thought I could use a little fish oil. From the time my sister hit me hard enough in the head for the brick to break and all the blows to the head when I was being abused I did not think it could hurt. I have such a hard time finding words and I am not makin connections with new people like I did in the past. Things that are more abstract cause me problems. Reading a new members posts and in the past I would get a sense of them and what they are about. I am not able to do that today. I have even lost sight of the struggles of older members. Somedays it is worse than others but I want my brain back.

I now have to avoid people who ask for my advice and then discredit what I have to say. I am finding work tougher having to deal with a very manipulative person. My brain is not up to the games. My oldest friend I am avoiding because he is mostly depressed when he calls. I have a few new upbeat friends that we laugh and have a good time. Of course watching my dog run and jump in the snow and drag me along has been great fun. Oh well here is to brain health in 2013.

Tugon.. I share your thought and issues. My health costs have gone up so much and my only resolution is to raise the deductible to place where it scares me. I am afraid to go to a doctor, I feel like I have no insurance at all my deductible is so high. And then there is the issue of people here, picking apart the things we say and trying to twist them to make us look ignorant and bad.. I understand, tugon.. I understand. I am there with you.

Corky and I had a very enjoyable walk this morning. The middle of January and the temperature was 60 degrees. I would not say it was raining but very misty as we walked. My umbrella was more of a nuisance than the fine mist that was falling so I closed it and placed it in my pocket. We are quite well known around our neighborhood so there is a lot of greeting of others out this morning. Much waving to honking cars on their way to somewhere today. Corky is greeted by some fellow dog friends today and his attempt to befriend a cat is not successful. Obviously many new scents this morning with the snow now gone exposing grass and earth. Judging by increased levels of activity Corky had many pee-mails to catch up on and I think he responded in kind to them all.

Arriving home I placed my tea kettle on the stove for a cup of tea. While waiting for the whistle I feed Corky. We have this funny little ritual where I hand feed him the first few bites of his dry food. After a couple of samples he takes over. I am not sure why he likes me to hand feed him but when he bypasses his food bowl and runs to his room and jumps up on his bed I know what is needed. Other times he goes straight to his bowl and eats it all. What a small price to pay for the joy he brings.

Now it is my time for tea and a small breakfast. After I have eaten I take my tea to the living room where classical music is playing on the stereo. I relax in my chair and open a book to where I left off. The book is my oldest friend's book about his time in Paris. Many of our experiences in the city overlap but I saw things he would have liked and he went to sites that I missed. He writes about love making with his wife and my focus is not on romance in such a romantic city but on the arts and architecture. He writes of restaurants but little of the food. As a foodie hearing about the meals would have been a great joy. Almost as much as enjoying them first hand.

As I reached the end of the chapter I suddenly had a lap full of Beagle. A wake up call that I will not be able to return to Paris due to my inability to be away from Corky for any length of time. He was reminding me of all the fun we have together and how much we need each other. Corky doe

tugon (imported) wrote: Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:24 am s sit on my bed and stare at the

pictures of Paris on the wall. I wonder if he wants to go there with me.

As I was sitting in the barber chair while my hair was being cut I was listening to his endless stories. All of a sudden he began talking about living in Dallas in the late 70's until the mid 80's. I was surprised because I had moved to Dallas in the early 80's. He mentioned Lemon Ave. and I said I knew it well. This was the area known at the time as the gay ghetto. We talked about the bar scene and the beginning of the AIDS epidemic that was yet to be understood. We both agreed that was both an exciting time and a frightful time. Many of us were dying and we did not know why.

I came from a small Ohio city and he from a smaller Ohio town and they were not too far apart in travel and not too far apart in risk to a gay person. He did marry out of fear and trying to make himself "normal". We talked about bullies and compared the numbers murdered in our areas. Working in a salon he is more out but his voice still dips when he talks about his past. We are both cursed with that small town whisper. Anything too personal and our voice lowers automatically.

When I lived in Dallas I was aware of my desire to be a eunuch. I was still at the fantasy stage at that point. Here I was in this big city with about 22 gay bars at the time and I think I hit them all. Of course I never went home or took anyone home with me. I had not figured out what I was and how I fit in the world. I was a kid in a candy store and must have been allergic to sugar. I moved to the big city for job opportunities, a more open lifestyle and in small part to get away from the man who would become so abusive but sadly much like today I could not open. Now if my sex addiction had been raging I might have taken advantage of the city.

Funny/sad that we are both in much the same location. He is living with a man of 27 years that is incredibly closeted. A man I graduated high school with many years ago. A man who contributed to my bullying so he could keep his macho image. The four fags of 74. Four gay man out of a graduating class of 72 students and we are not friends today. Three of us still live local and one 32 miles away. Myself and the man in Columbus are the most out and as I mentioned one still closeted and the other is only gay when quite drunk. Small town fears does not do one much good.

After high school I moved to Dayton, Ohio to study photography. That was a great four years for finding and reinventing myself from what I was told I was in the home town. Sadly going to school and working in Dayton did not allow me to spend as much time visiting home as I would have liked. One of my weekends home sadly was when the young man I was in love with died. I had talked about him before and I mention him now because I lost interest in much of everything. I found it tough to be creative or care about classes. I stopped going and was mainly working and going to bars at night. After several years of my being lost I thought I might regain a part of me by going back home. That as I now know was one of my worst decisions. I still kept in touch with some Dayton friends and would visit them periodically.

One of my Dayton friends was named Donnie and he moved to Dallas and really liked it. He encouraged me to drive down and stay for a few weeks to see what I thought. There was not much going on for me and I thought what the hell. I drove for 19 hours and was a little road weary when I arrived. He told me he was moving and I could stay in the apartment if I paid half the month's rent and he would introduce me to my new roommate. I was too tired to sort it all out and did not feel like jumping back in the car and driving home. I started noticing money missing and my cameras were stolen. I was working at the time but I had been there long enough that I needed Texas plates and license. I had made enough money to cover any loss from the travel and the rent that I felt it was a good time to go back. Being ripped off made me fearful and I did not know if I could make it on my own.

I think that is why I stay where I am. The devil you know as they say. Wow I wonder what my next haircut might open up from my past.