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Stopped in a restaurant for lunch before heading to work today. I bumped into a mother and daughter I knew from church and school. We chatted about some of the families we knew that attended church and school with us. They mentioned my friend Corky's parents and then talked of him. They mentioned his tragic death and that he was dating my next door neighbor.

Now today relationships do not have to be hidden. In some states same sex couples can wed. Sadly it was 1976 in small town Ohio and when all but a few think of him they think of him dating a girl. I must admit to a little pain when I am not known to have been his lover. His mother and one sister-in-law and two of my friends knew. There would be little to gain by setting the record straight.

I will be glad for the day when all can share their love and receive acceptance and support. The day when one would not even think it needs to be a secret.

The more I re-read this thread, the more thoughts come to me.

Not wanting, or needing, acceptance or support from others for us, or how we live our lives, seems like a solid foundation.

If acceptance or support comes, then you know who your friends are.

If it does not come, then you know who your friends are not.

You can then choose with whom to associate.

One thing I would like to work on is my great sense of frustration and powerlessness. I do not always feel that way but tonight I had a large dose. My last therapist felt I needed to learn to assert myself but much of this has accumulated throughout my life. I can now assert myself but did not for years. One day my very dominant older sister told me to assert myself and I told her that she never let me. Thinking back the women in my family were all rather dominant. The men abusive to me.

One of my silly little triggers is people not letting me finish a sentence. Tonight I was giving report to a caregiver who is family and just filling in to help. As I was explaining some medicine changes she kept jumping ahead because she thought she knew what I was going to tell her. I finally had to ask if I was going to be able to finish what I was telling her. Luckily my shift was over. As I parked my car I felt some relief that I would be walking my dog. As we were finished with our walk I bumped into a neighbor who along with his wife are the most interesting. I was looking forward to a nice conversation.

Tonight I discovered he was a French teacher and his wife who is from Mexico met in France. They are both fluent in French and he said his wife would be more than happy to work with me. I was quite excited by this news as I had been sampling study programs and knew how important it would be to have someone with which to speak. When all of a sudden this 71 year old lady who suffers from cyclical manic depression came up and took over the conversation. Her brain jumps from thought to thought very similar to a drop of water in a hot skillet. She is very fatiguing. I tried to help her when she adopted a dog sight unseen that was too young, large and energetic for her. Actually most of my bitching does not matter other than she kicked up that level of frustration even higher.

Then after our two hour walk my dog decided to be stubborn. He had rested in the shade and enjoyed the water I carry for him along with some treats. Now he wanted to sit and watch traffic and people stop and collect their mail. I was tired, hungry, had pills to take and was sober so I wanted to go home. Well even my dog does not listen to me.

When I was young I tried to be as quiet as possible and stay under the radar. I never developed any kind of commanding voice. My client acts like she cannot hear me but I think that is a game. I told someone one time I had to use my stern voice with Corky and she laughed. I spent a number of adult years keeping myself quiet. I try to help contribute information but often dismissed. I guess I am feeling like the mute village idiot.

We are all in the process of becoming. Look back to see how far you've come already. Know that you are still moving forward.

I was looking for postcards in a shop with a huge collection of all sorts of different postcards. I bought a lot. One of them has a text:

life is what happens to you

while you're busy

making other

plans

john lennon

I had a great day yesterday. I had some great interactions with people as I ran my errands on my day off. I was upbeat and dare I say charming. While upgrading my phone I had so much fun with the salesperson. Then I went to a restaurant for lunch and the waitperson was very happy to see me. She shook my hand and welcomed me back. Then I went to pick up some meds and my favorite pharmacy tech waited on me. She is a sweet woman who is older than I and I said I needed my pills that keep me from being too sweet. She smiled and said they are not working.

I had not felt myself for many months. My world was getting darker and I lost a number of interests. I blamed it on my multiple concussions. I felt less mentally capable and was becoming cold to others. I was easy to anger. I was not fit to be around people. I was even becoming impatient with my dog. I was getting to the point where I did not like myself.

Now that I am not breathing natural gas my outlook on life is improving. My apartment had been cluttered due to a lack of energy. I would open mail, packages and just leave things lying about. I would put dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher. Now the place is neat and clean and I take pride in it again. My art even looks brighter and more colorful.

It is good to be back.

good to hear you are doing better.

Dave (imported) wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2013 4:41 am good to hear you are doing better.

Thanks Dave. I knew I was changing and not for the better. Knowing the reason why and feeling improvements are wonderful things. I am still going to follow your advice and let my doctor know.

I was having a fairly good day at work and texting with a friend when a mention of a friends situation caused me to flashback. Then a friend called and said something that at most times would only be rude but today was hurtful. So now I am thinking about my wonderful dog and other positives and trying to stop reliving past events.

Where I went in my mind was the time he would make me get on my knees and beg for him. I hated him and would fantasize about killing him. I have always practiced non violence and to want to harm someone was not a state of mind I wanted to experience. I was still fearful he would harm family as threatened. I thought I had no choice but to endure.

Certainly a catch 22 situation. The better I begged the quicker it would be over. The quicker it was over the sooner he would leave. I would praise and beg for something I never wanted again. I am chuckling now that he believed anything I ever said.

It does not do a mind well to hate someone and have to beg for them. Of course sending it out of me to the universe helps. I am glad in someways only a portion of the nightmare surfaces from time to time. Remembering it all at once would be overwhelming. Now to happy thoughts to end the continuous loop of those memories.

My frustration over Castro's suicide has surprised me. I really began to think more about it after watching an episode of Dr. Phil about 4 high school football players who raped a fellow student. The one boy and his parents were vilifying the young woman. They also had a mother of a young woman who was gang raped by classmates and ended her own life. I was sitting there with such a lust for vengeance and punishment when I had a thought.

I was too afraid to press charges against my rapist and abuser. I realize now how suffering through it and doing nothing has lead to my sense of powerlessness and frustration. I did nothing but continually take his abuse for years. I was so damn passive I just took it. I had my freedom to work and have a life but he was controlling me. I began to believe I was what he told me I was. I began to stop going places at night because he would become so angry if I was not home when he called. I did not think enough of myself and gave him control. I was so damn passive.

I could list all the fears that kept me from doing anything but the greatest was my doubt he would be prosecuted. It was tough enough in this town for a woman to receive justice so I did not think a gay man being raped by a straight men would even make it to court. I think it would only make him more dangerous and possibly put my mother at risk. As I was leaving his house a police cruiser was driving down the street. Help in front of me and a man with a gun behind me. Of course many of the same excuses women give for not pressing charges also apply to my situation.

It is a long struggle back to happiness. I recently had a nightmare where I was carrying in groceries and he followed me into the apartment. My hands were full and I could not shut the door. I set the bags down on the counter and when I turned to go shut the door I saw him sitting on the couch. That image woke me right up. When I was in Paris and standing on the Pont des Arts I raised my arms and let the wind blow over me and much of the hate blew away.

I have a decision to make and want to do the right thing. I have a female friend whom I have known for about 24 years. We had faded out of each others lives and now I know why. Her husband is now an alcoholic, addicted to scratch off lottery tickets and has been cheating on her. His addictions have ruined them financially and she is living in a house without gas or electricity. He had lied about paying the bills and power was shut and when she called to find out why she was told they were $2,000 in arrears and they would need to pay it plus a $400 deposit. She was not sure what happened with the gas but came home one day to find the gas meter had been removed. She did not know if they found leaks and did not have it fixed or due to unpaid bills.

I originally moved into this two bedroom apartment to help someone settle in a new area. I have more space than I need but I have become used to spreading out all over the place. The apartment has two full baths and two good sized bedrooms. What I am trying to decide is should I offer her one of the bedrooms? I do not want her to try to survive in that house through the winter. I have not even asked if they have running water. I have not suggested this to her yet but I keep wanting to invite her.

I have to keep in mind that I do not need a lot of drama in my life. I have healed from a lot and I have to be protective of myself. I have trouble being around doom and gloom because it brings me down to doom and gloom. I like happy, confident and outgoing people. She is fairly low in self esteem but pleasant most of the time. She has children and grandchildren and I have a hard time imagining coming home and a bunch of people in the apartment. Sadly she does not think she can afford a lawyer for divorce so there is the husband I do not want to have creating problems. Gee I think I am talking myself out of it already.

To help or not to help that is the question. If she was going to move in I would have to add her to the lease. I do not want to move her in and she bounce back to him just to be reminded how bad it is. I do not want him pounding on doors trying to find her. I hope I can think this through without my need to help overpowering my reason.

To be blunt, sounds to me like she's simply a big time head case with WAAAAY too much baggage looking for a sucker with a check book and credit cards.

I should have mentioned that she has asked for nothing from me other than the need to talk. She is receiving help from her daughters for places to crash, shower and do laundry. In case tension builds between them I was going to make my home available for at least a third option for rest, showers and laundry. I have no idea what it would be like to live that way.

I went through the same things with my sister, and the men she always hooks up with.

You don't wanna go there.

You'll end up with nothing but endless drama, and if this guy is anything like the ones I've dealt with, you're putting yourself in danger.

Not to be insulting, but I don't see you as the kind of guy that would shove a gun into someone's mouth and say "give me a good reason!"

Sadly, this is what these things usually turn into. You get involved, you're likely going to get into conflict with this guys if he finds out where she's gone.

These types don't easily let go.

Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.

Sadly I must agree with Paolo every word. No good can come from this and you will get hurt in the process. She has two grown daughters you say, this is a family problem keep it that way. I know that sounds cold but you really don't want to get involved. One of the reasons I live in Wisconsin is because I know my X and one of my kids will never ever come here and they are related, help your friend, go out to coffee, let here vent, but don't take her home.

Hawaii is even further and they can't even drive there.

River

You don't wanna go there.

Paolo wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:56 am Not to be insulting, but I don't see you as the kind of guy that would shove a gun into someone's mouth and say "give me a good reason!"

You are right I do not have a gun. He is insulin dependent so I would have a box of Twinkies at the ready.

Riverwind (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 9:10 am Sadly I must agree with Paolo every word. No good can come from this and you will get hurt in the process. She has two grown daughters you say, this is a family problem keep it that way. I know that sounds cold but you really don't want to get involved. One of the reasons I live in Wisconsin is because I know my X and one of my kids will never ever come here and they are related, help your friend, go out to coffee, let here vent, but don't take her home.

Hawaii is even further and they can't even drive there.

River

Yes the more I am reminded of what could go wrong overrides my worries about her having to move around from family to family. I am taking her out to lunch tomorrow and will just listen.

Since last Thursday when my client was admitted to the hospital it has been a bit of a death watch. I am sitting bedside while family does what they need to so they can rush back and wait. We have gone from no hope to the beginnings of a recovery. Right now life seems fleeting. It is not the numbers on the machines but her color, lack of animation and my sense of what will happen.

She has been an interesting person. Her need for attention is so great that she would want me to stop caring for her dying husband to change her slippers to her shoes. Her daughter brought their grand and great granddaughter to visit. While the daughter was helping her mother the baby cried out. Her mom asked who was the priority now.

Being a caregiver is so much easier when you provide care to someone who is kind and appreciative. This position makes me question ever doing this work again. The family praises the care she receives but since I encourage independence she is not always happy. I will not brush your teeth if you are able, I will not feed you if you can eat and tell me what you want without hinting. I will wash you after incontinence, I will cook your meals and wash your clothes and linens. You do the things you can do and I will do the rest.

I am preparing myself for the loss and the next step. She may make it out of the hospital but she is very weakened and will not be around too much longer. I have not worked much since her hospitalization and I have already felt that sense of uselessness that many feel when they have been long term caregivers and are no longer needed. It takes about a month to refocus.

My friend, its time to pack up the dog and your fishing gear and head to the woods, find a tree and leave all else behind. Recharge your batteries it may take a few days but find that place away from your home, a total change is needed. Take a trip do something anything but sit at home.

River

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:42 am I should have mentioned that she has asked for nothing from me other than the need to talk. She is receiving help from her daughters for places to crash, shower and do laundry. In case tension builds between them I was going to make my home available for at least a third option for rest, showers and laundry. I have no idea what it would be like to live that way.

I usually do not quote myself but let me tell you what happened. I picked her up and we went out for a late lunch/early dinner. I was surprised that for someone who had not seen me in years she got in some nice digs about me. I thought wow she is the queen of passive aggression. We went back to my place because she wanted to see it. She said she liked it but nothing specific. We put the harness on my dog and went out for a walk. Between she and I talking so much and Corky pulling to get to every new scent I was becoming short of breath. She was surprised at my difficulty breathing and asked if something was wrong. I told her about my blood and how the levels are dropping. She asked if my back hurt and I told her it was weakness from the lack of red blood cells carrying oxygen to my muscles. She acted concerned but has not called since.

Riverwind (imported) wrote: Thu Oct 10, 2013 9:12 am My friend, its time to pack up the dog and your fishing gear and head to the woods, find a tree and leave all else behind. Recharge your batteries it may take a few days but find that place away from your home, a total change is needed. Take a trip do something anything but sit at home.

River

River I would like to find a small van based motor home and travel with cameras and my dog. I do need to get out and capture some fall colors. If I capture anything beautiful this year I will send you a copy.

My client survived her hospitalization to return home. She was very weak and had little interest in any aspect of life. She was becoming very sweet and kind which I thought must be dementia. We worked hard to encourage her to eat, drink and somehow be merry. Her desire to give up was so obvious but we had hope she could get better. Sometimes you fight for the individual when they are not able to fight for themselves.

One of her night shift caregivers had helped her to the bed side commode to urinate. Helping her back to bed she passed out and the caregiver had to lower her to the floor. When I arrived that morning she was on the floor again. I helped the caregiver lift her back to bed. At first we thought she was having syncopal episodes. She went out on me the two times I helped her up. Looking at the leg and the swelling I thought she had a break. The daughter, a nurse, did not think there was a break. The leg swelled, bruised and leaked drainage that turned from serosanguinous to bloody fluid. I had to watch her in pain for over a week and everything I shared was dismissed. Finally on Thursday morning off to the ER she went and yes she had a fracture.

Looking back I think her leg broke and that is why she passed out. I had been giving her Forteo injections to strengthen her bones but in the affected leg was a knee and hip replacement. The break was where the shaft of the replacement knee went into the femur. She now has external pins from the above the break to below the knee. She has to be kept from any weight bearing and knee flexion for many weeks. This means she will not be going home and someone other than her daughter will be managing her care.

I have no way to put into words the frustration of having to watch someone suffer. The frustration of knowing what is wrong and the daughter not listening. Her other daughters thinking that mother should be able to die at home. Mother should be able to die where ever she is in the least amount of pain.

Family is too close to direct care. Their emotions get in the way. If you have to call the lady in bed mommy you should recuse yourself. Call Hospice or a nursing agency for an independent evaluation. Money was not a concern so having a nurse in to check things out twice a week would not have been a burden. People are not prepared for end of life decisions or planning. WELL HERE WE GO, NO ONE GETS OUT OF THIS LIFE ALIVE SO PLAN.

Monday I volunteer in the office of the local Humane Society. I may travel and burden friends with my disposition. I will certainly drink wine and get back to fall foliage photography. I feel better for her out of her daughters care and I feel a little free myself.

I am free. I received a text message from the daughter that since mom will need 3-6 months in an extended care facility she will terminate our employment. If her mom is able to return home we will be offered our previous positions. Thanks but no thanks. After 5+ years a friendly phone call might have been nice.

Last Wednesday while having breakfast at Bob Evan's I was approached by a 93 year old man who remembered me from taking care of his wife while she was in the hospital. He was on a waiting list for a nursing home but said he would rather stay at home. I gave him my phone number but luckily have not heard from him yet. I need a little more of a break or even a different career. Needless to say I am not going out for breakfast today. Old people seem to like their breakfasts and I seem to be a magnet.

I volunteered all last week at the Humane Society helping process applications for pet adoptions. A home was raided that had 45 dogs both inside and outside that were reported to be breeders. We have had many dogs adopted and many people waiting for dogs. The interest in the rescued dogs also helped with adoption of our other dogs. Too bad eventually I will need to work because I would love to be a volunteer.

Corky and I have been taking some very long walks with all my extra time. I had time to tune up my car and winterize it. I have time to contemplate the future and what I really want. I may venture out to the Lucky Bamboo for lunch and then stop in and see how my former client is doing.

As a victim of rape I frequently have nightmares of being raped. Of all the dreams only half the time are the dreams about my rapist. The rape dreams are all too frequent and quite possible scenarios. Many are not worth a mention in a post and I have learned they are a frequent part of my resting hours. More than in my nightmares I relive the real rapes during the day when I am symptomatic with my PTSD. This nightmare of rape happened in my apartment.

During the day I tend to play my stereo loudly and sit at my computer desk. Corky, my beagle, was asleep on the bed next to me. Next thing I knew was one of the maintenance men let himself in the apartment. All of a sudden I felt him rubbing his erect penis on my right cheek. Between the shock of someone being so close to me and such a sexual act I jumped up screaming. Oddly what I was screaming was I needed more locks on the door. I do not remember yelling at him but I was shouting for more locks. I could not focus on what had been done but I could focus on the fact I was not safe. I sued the complex and won and several locks were added. One of which was a large wooden plank that I would drop down into brackets when I was inside the apartment. Similar to how they would secure the door to the medieval castle. Of course I woke up crying.

Tonight they had an appreciation dinner for the residents. As I was walking my dog I walked past the rental office and the maintenance men were standing outside. The one from my nightmare was present. A few pet Corky while they complained about work. Two women were among the men and I thought they must be girlfriends. The man from the dream all of a sudden said to his girlfriend "I know you are a vegetarian" and then looked me straight in the eyes and asked "how would you like some tube steak". No one responded because they know how inappropriate it would be to say something like that in front of a resident. Corky and I headed home at that point.

Other than my abuser I have never had a dream of sexual assault by someone I knew. I have never had a dream of sexual assault by someone that had such easy access to me. I would love to have one of those chains installed so even if the door was unlocked they could not gain access. Sadly they might send him to install it. Tonight is going to be a long night.

Oh hell I hate the holidays. As a little kid the males would be watching football and the females gossiping in the kitchen. I would just find a window that I could look out. In my estimation both at home and in restaurants it is the blandest of meals. White meat turkey, white mashed potatoes, white noodles, stuffing/dressing that might have some color, white rolls, corn soufflé white and some yellow, green beans looking almost white because some dumb son of a bitch drowned them in mushroom soup but there was butternut squash soup and white wine. Oh and I forgot to mention everyone knows how to dry out a ham.

Now the years when my nephews were young and my brother's asshole would clench every time I opened my mouth because he thought I was going to say something gay was fun. I am much more appropriate than he is but he would fear what I might discuss. When mother was alive she insisted on preparing the meal by herself. Since I helped put the table together to seat everyone and lift the heavy dishes out of the oven I was able to watch her in her full blown martyrdom. She might let someone bring a dessert but nothing more. The only thing worse was a holiday when someone was going through recovery.

Christmas will be it's usual jolly time and traditionally held at my sister's. Like mother she is also a martyr with a greater sense of drama. People come and they hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek. Luckily part of the family will not be there because several years ago I quoted some humor by Bill Maher. Several days later I received a letter saying I had been disloyal to the family. My cousin was the author of the letter and I had been running errands for his wife with her fractured ankle, visiting his mom in the neuro ICU and staying with his father until the early hours of new years day as he was dying. So yes I was quite disloyal. I should rent myself out to parties when you would like someone offended and do not want to do it.

Any way Happy Holidays to everyone.