Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

Glad to hear of your successes. You are beautigul.

Hi Mac,

It is really good to hear from you. I very much appreciate your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

A number of very good things are happening in my career. At a minimum, my possibilities for growth and satisfaction are expanding.

There is a new appreciation at work for the benefit of encouraging employees at all levels to maximize their potential. Even the director of my department has made it known that she will encourage and support those employees who want to work in another department entirely. Of course, one needs the skills required for such a change but the company will help with training prior to a move. There are also other avenues opening to allow employees to better use their talents while remaining in their current positions.

The goal of all this is increased retention of valuable workers and increased job performance resulting from happier employees. I spent 45 minutes in Human Resources today examining my options. Things are pretty wide open and we came up with concrete actions to get the ball rolling. I don't have the time to go into specifics but I will say the plans involve better utilizing my teaching, writing and technical skills. I may even go back to school for another degree. Yikes!

An Archive friend wisely responded to a more detailed description of my plans with "Are there enough hours in the day???". This is indeed a good question and I need to be careful not to over commit. There are other things I am doing in my life, too, that are time-consuming. Like starting my own web site and photography. It is very good to know that, despite my 'advanced' age of 56, my options in life are many. I am very hopeful about the future and I would rather have a bit too much to do than too little.

I left out the importance of music in my life. I play the piano and organ. Pre-transition, I could spend hours at a time practicing. Post-transition, I have little interest in doing that unless it is to prepare for a performance. Now, I am developing new interests and want to spend more time with people. This does not mean I love music any less. In fact, I seem to be getting ideas for new melodies and harmonizations more easily than ever. Those used to come to me after several hours of being immersed in music through practice. Now I get original ideas without practicing. Someday, I may go back to trying my hand at music composition.

There were good things waiting for me in the mail when I got home. These were:

1. My replacement Social Security

card with my new legal name. This

is important because now my company will change their records to my new name. I'll also get new medical insurance cards, which makes me really happy. No longer will I sit in a doctor's office and have someone, ignorant of my transition, call for me by my old male name. No more whispers at the pharmacy from someone who 'knows' about me to someone who doesn't: "That medicine is for 'old male name'".

2. My checks arrived with my new name.

3. My new debit card with my new name was there, too.

[kennath7 (imported)]

great

I am very happy for you

you have come a long way with who you knew and felt you where inside

now you can feel like your a whole person

[Danya (imported)]

great

I am very happy for you

you have come a long way with who you knew and felt you where inside

now you can feel like your a whole person

Hi Kennath,

It's always good to hear from you.

I always appreciate your kind, sensitive remarks.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Today I had good news and some not so good, but still acceptable, news. This afternoon, I had my annual evaluation and my boss and I spoke for 1 1/2 hours. I was given the highest 'grade' you can get where I work. We spent very little time on the evaluation itself. Instead, I launched a discussion of how I want my career to proceed. My boss was very amenable to my ideas.

The 'bad' news is that the company announced 2 hours before my evaluation that there would be no merit raises this year. Normally, I would have had a pay increase show up in the next pay check. Everyone who qualifies gets a raise on the same date.

I view the lack of a raise more as slightly disappointing news than bad news. Given the state of the economy and tremendous uncertainty about how things will go, I think upper management made a wise decision to eliminate all merit increases for the year. They are being justifiably cautious in their efforts to guarantee the continued success of our operation. There are other steps they are taking to keep us fiscally sound, but none involves laying off any employees.

There's also the really good news that I am fortunate enough to still have a job when many are not so lucky. Then there's the added benefit of working for a company that actively supports my transition.

My boss, and his, thanked me many times today for all the extra hours and effort I have been putting in to make projects successful. I think things are starting to settle down and I can soon get back to a more normal 40 - 45 hour work week. My boss agrees and even apologized for what the company has put me through with the very heavy work load of the last several months.

[Danya (imported)]

The company announced its 'no merit raises this year' policy at an all-staff meeting this afternoon. Before the meeting started, a young woman came and sat next to me. She proceeded to tell me how good I look and that she had seen this woman in a nice dress at Macy's a while back who looked terrific. She hadn't realized at first that this woman was me!

This woman was not one of the many people who sent me a congratulatory email when my transition was announced way back on May 9th

. We have known each other for years

but this is the first time we've h

ad a chance to talk since my transition day at work. We had a very nice conversation for about 10 minutes.

The continuing support for who I am from people here on the Archive and others remains very important to me. Crossing the gender divide is a huge step in one's life. I am finding out that there are ramifications that I did not anticipate when I started this journey. These are all good and even fun.

Part of this is learning how men and women typically interact. I never, when I was a man (in the way I lead my life, anyway) related to women as men typically do. So I cannot fall back on that period as a reference point. In a real way, then, I am learning everything from the ground up, including the way both men and women view things. At times this can be very confusing, but I am enjoying these new experiencews in discovering who I am and what my comfort level is in relating to others of both genders.

[Danya (imported)]

Yesterday, a male coworker was half-jokingly describing to me how upset he was about the company not granting any pay increases this year. I responded that I thought management had made the right decision, although certainly I wasn't overjoyed by the news. He then said he, too, realized management had made the right move. He then added: 'My therapists said it was OK to have two apparently opposing feelings at the same time'. I was more than a little surprised at his reference to therapy. He seems like a really macho guy. At any rate, I then told him I was seeing my own therapist that afternoon.

Somehow, this brief but intimate conversation seems to have built a stronger connection between us. When I transitioned, I thought he would be among those with the most difficulty accepting me. This has not been the case at all.

I have stated before that I would stop posting as frequently or in as much detail. I was never able to follow through on that, though, because I really enjoy writing here.

I have realized in the last week, especially, that I do need to spend less time posting here and more time finding ways to bring in the money I need to finish transitioning through GRS. Technically, I would be eligible for GRS in another eight months. There is no way I will have the money for this by then.

I don't feel my life will be ruined if I don't have GRS but I do really want it. This desire has increased since I started estrogen in early June. My therapist says this reaction is typical.

So I need to really focus on generating additional income. This is even more urgent since my company announced, earlier in the week, that they were freezing salaries because of the financial crisis.

I am going to try very hard to restrict the times I log into the Archive to weekends, at most. I mention this so no one gets concerned if they notice I have not logged in a while.

I will keep making updates on the Archive but if I do not force myself to focus on generating income I will never reach my transition goals. Unfortunately, for me anyway , that means I cannot spend as much time here.

[John (imported)]

Hi!

Do you have some kind of "extrajob" or so to get those extra money from as you say you must reduce your onlinetime?

I think I have understood it correctly that your organist job is without pay?

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi!

Do you have some kind of "extrajob" or so to get those extra money from as you say you must reduce your onlinetime?

I think I have understood it correctly that your organist job is without pay?

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I do not have an 'extra job' yet, but I need to spend time figuring out the best way to earn more money. Finding a part-time job is time consuming. Part of my problem is I am over-thinking the whole thing. There are really multiple ways I can earn more money. I just need to make up my mind and go after something.

One of those involves selling my photographs, but that business will likely take time to grow. So I cannot rely entirely on that. Other options include computer repair or training, teaching courses and a few other things I have in mind besides.

I no longer play the organ every Sunday at church but I substitute occasionally and I get paid for this. Another option which I am investigating is finding a staff organist position where I would be paid a regular monthly salary and play every Sunday. Until about four years ago, I was the regular, staff organist at a local church and I have had similar positions most of my life. I have to wait for the right job opening for this. I will not play at a church that does not welcome GLBT people and other minorities.

So one or more things will open up for me to bring in more money. I just find it a little stressful to keep considering my options while I actively search for opportunities. That's the over-thinking part.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

My major accomplishment of the day was getting my own domain name and web hosting service. I probably put far too much thought into what name to use and which service to go with. I am very happy, though, that I can start the slow process of building my own site.

At this point, I don't know if I will post a link to my new site on the Archive. That decision will depend, in part, on whether I decide to use my real name on my own site. Human Resources (HR) has encouraged me to create my own site to more fully write about my experiences. I will need to be extremely cautious if I decide to put in writing, on the web, the name of my company or write anything about my experiences and connect it to the company name. Before doing that, I would review my plans with HR. My work experiences have in general been very good since I transitioned and I have written positively about those here.

An advantage of writing on the Archive is the anonymity it provides. If I post a link here to a site with my real name and location, I will no longer enjoy that advantage. I definitely want to continue posting here while maintaining that anonymity.

I have other plans for my web site that I hope will eventually generate some income.

[mrt (imported)]

I just wanted to say its valid to want privacy and there is the issue of "guilt" by association. Some of the stuff on our archive I'm totally uninterested in being associated with.

[Danya (imported)]

I hadn't intended to post anything

else today. The thing is, I am feeling incredibly happy and fortunate. I was crying a few minutes ago on hearing the 10th variation of Elgar's "Enigma Variations". This one always gets to me.

I just wrote to the GLBT support center at my undergraduate college. They have a drop-in house off campus as they are not officially recognized by my Lutheran school. In my note, I asked if they know of any sensitive person in the registrar's office who might support my case for a change of name on my diploma. This is probably a fool's hope.

This organization has been trying to get official recognition from the college. Although the school has ties to the liberal end of the Lutheran church (ELCA for those who know about these things), they are concerned about setting a precedent if they should officially state a policy of acceptance for transgender persons. After all, so the line goes, other church schools often want to follow their lead. What in heaven's name would the others think if they came out for transgender inclusion? Besides, some of the college administrators tend to be conservative. How would they handle this radical notion? That they even need to debate coming out for transgender inclusion in the year 2008 makes my blood boil, particularly since they claim to be Christians.

I will say that the college has partner benefits for gay employees and their non-discrimination policy includes homosexual persons. The latter, however, is state law anyway.

Wait a minute! It is also a state law that there be non-discrimination against transgender persons. Something has to change at that school.

[Danya (imported)]

I have already gotten a response from a GLBTQA representative to questions I asked about name changes at my undergraduate college. The situation overall isn't favorable for this but the students and I do have an ally in the office of alumni affairs

. This is very good news. I will

contact him and see what can be done.

I was also invited to speak to interested faculty and students. I am very open to doing this. There was also a suggestion of getting my story in the alumni magazine but, with the current college administration, that is not likely. Nonetheless, there are other ways I can help my brothers and sisters in the GLBTQA community at my college alma mater.

Doing these types of things makes my life more meaningful. It's partly because as I child I was always the outsider and, even back then, I felt compelled to stick up for other 'outcasts' when I could.

[Danya (imported)]

I am so happy about the chance to speak with faculty and students that I just sent my therapist an email about it! Now she will know I am truly crazy.

[John (imported)]

Hi my Friend!

Whatever you decide to do, give a speach or not I will pray for your success!

Greetings

John

[Priscilla (imported)]

Danya- I am so happy you have found a place of acceptance and hence, happiness during and after your transition. I too, have found a place of happiness 7 years post transition and there is nothing like it. I wake up every day and am so excited to be out in the world as a trans-woman (I identify that way) and to see what adventures I will have today.

I think some parts of the way we are accepted have to do with our attitude, so kudos to you and congratulations.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi my Friend!

Whatever you decide to do, give a speach or not I will pray for your success!

Greetings

John

Hi John,

I will absolutely give a speech if I am asked or go talk with a group and offer support. I am open for whatever they would like me to do.

I appreciate the prayers.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Danya- I am so happy you have found a place of acceptance and hence, happiness during and after your transition. I too, have found a place of happiness 7 years post transition and there is nothing like it. I wake up every day and am so excited to be out in the world as a trans-woman (I identify that way) and to see what adventures I will have today.

I think some parts of the way we are accepted have to do with our attitude, so kudos to you and congratulations.

Hi Priscilla,

I hadn't intended to log on the Archive tonight but when I saw your note, and that of John before you, I wanted to respond.

Welcome to the Archive.

I really appreciate your writing and

I am glad to hear your own experience has been so positive.

I, too, am excited to face the world and see what new things will come my way. I agree that our attitudes are critical to our success in transitioning. It is very difficult for others to be comfortable with us if we are not confident in who we are.

Congratulations on 7 years of success with your adventure!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

This is at least the second time I have violated my on newly formulated policy of restricting my posts to weekends. Part of the reason is that I do not yet have my own web site up and running. So I can't write there. I am having moderate success in keeping my posts shorter.

The reason I am posting this evening is to report that my undergraduate college (the one with ties to a fairly liberal church) has changed not only my name but my gender in their records. That is very exciting.

I am delighted by the news. Anyone who calls the college now seeking information under my new legal name will find it. I will now be listed in the alumni directory by my new name. No one will know who the hell I am! Anyone from the college calling here will address me properly, etc. , etc....

This does not mean my official transcript now has my new name. The school administrator who told me about my name change in the records is looking into having the transcript name change made, too. He stated this is much more difficult. To my knowledge, no former student has ever succeeded at this. I let him know that many things are very difficult but still quite possible. I also stated that I was confident he would be able to get my transcript changed -[er, ah... transitioned or whatever! ] I wrote a follow-up note telling him that by not changing the name on my transcript, the college would be forcing me to reveal to employers something they are prohibited from asking.

If he does not succeed, I will thank him for his efforts and immediately contact someone higher in the school adminstration.

[Danya (imported)]

Kristoff wrote here awhile ago, perhaps around the time I transitioned, that there would be some difficult times ahead. This is, after all, the way of life. The last week has definitely been one of the low points for me. Much of the week was very stressful. Today I am really emotionally down. Exercise temporarily improved things.

There are a number of reasons for all this but one ties all the others together. That is, I cannot see a path forward in my journey. Certainly I can continue as I have and do well, I think.

I sent an e-mail I to a friend, here on the Archive, earlier this week. In part, I wrote of how I seemed to have reached a peak in my life but, as with all of life's peaks, one must eventually return to a more ordinary life. I could not see a path forward, a way to continue my journey that would lead to more complete fulfillment of what has become the reality of who I am.

This friend's response was very caring. I agree with his basic conclusion that I have not reached a peak but a plateau. Life changes, and improvements, have progressed rapidly for me since I transitioned. It's time to sit back and enjoy where I am right now. The journey will continue. It's just at this moment, I cannot see the path. Things will become more clear again.

[mrt (imported)]

Few of us see exactly how we are going to get to a long term goal and follow that path directly. I know some of the issues and share a few (funds etc) but I think that all of this is a problem that has many possible solutions. Don't fret! I know your like me and wish things could just get taken care of quickly.

So its easy to say and hard to do myself. Savor the trip. The destination is just part of the fun.

Hugs - MrT

[Danya (imported)]

I am doing much better today. It's like I'm a different person. The solution for me is always to take action and that is what I have been doing today.

I agree, MrT, few of us can easily see the means by which we will eventually reach our goals. The important thing is to keep moving forward.

[mrt (imported)]

I know I sound like a broken record on this topic but factor in hormonal changes which you can say are extraordinary! Some of this is no doubt like a roller coaster but that IS part of being a woman.

Embrace the change its part of who you are but keep your eye on the prize. That is often my problem. You forget why your in the place you are because you loose site of the big picture.

[Priscilla (imported)]

Yes, progress on the transition road is sometimes slow, and it can build frustration. It took me 4 years to finally transition at work after knowing that I would. Getting my children settled in their lives seemed a necessary reason to take it slow.

The fact that I started hormones several years before I transitioned really helped me to feel like I was transitioning, even tho' I still appeared as a guy.

[Danya (imported)]

I know I sound like a broken record on this topic but factor in hormonal changes which you can say are extraordinary! Some of this is no doubt like a roller coaster but that IS part of being a woman.

Hi MrT,

The hormonal changes are profound and I'll post another observation on that later. This one is from my dentist, of all people!

Although I have tended to cry easily throughout my life (even watching comedy movies, no less), I am crying more often now. Each crying spell tends to last longer than ever, besides. I will write more about this later, too.

Embrace the change its part of who you are but keep your eye on the prize. That is often my problem. You forget why your in the place you are because you loose site of the big picture.

I very definitely like the changes, very much so!

Of course, I already have 'the prize' in a very real sense. I know who I am and feel it every day in my body, thoughts and emotions.

OTOH, I am starting to get realistic about what I need to do to finally obtain GRS. From November of last year until very recently, it has been critical for me to post a lot on the Archive and get feedback. This has been invaluable. Now, I 'think' I have reached a point where I can spend less time posting and more time concentra

ting on increasing my income. As I have said before, though, this place will always be home for me.

Yes, progress on the transition road is sometimes slow, and it can build frustration. It took me 4 years to finally transition at work after knowing that I would. Getting my children settled in their lives seemed a necessary reason to take it slow.

The fact that I started hormones several years before

I transitioned really helped me to feel like I was transitioning, even tho' I still appeared as a guy.

Hi Priscilla,

I really appreciate your writing and s

haring your experience. I have read a lot about the difficulties trans folks with children can have. There are so many issues to deal with that I, with no children or spouse, cannot fully appreciate. It is commendable that you and others I know have taken care of the needs of your children before transitioning.

I did not start estrogen until almost three weeks after I transitioned at work.

Hugs,

Danya