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I always loved Thanksgiving even as a kid, no expectations. However I always hated x-mas, still do and don't celebrate it for that reason, like you it has always meant disappointment.

River

I stopped despising Christmas when the Grandmonster turned two and could get into it.

First came the Radio Flyer deluxe wagon, with side board, real rubber air-up tires, and shocks.

Next came the sled, which looks like a real snowmobile and requires an adult to pull back up the hill.

This year, it's a bike. 18", if I can find the right one.

Next year, probably an electric rechargeable mini dirt bike...

His mother hates me.

As for real family, I spend about 2 hours with them and move on. I'm tolerated, and that's about it. I dump copious amounts of candy on their kids and leave...

I think what bothers me the most about Christmas is the reminder that family has no idea who I am or what I am about. My mother would buy me gifts of clothes you would buy for someone her age, a cardigan with leather panels on the front and white shoes with matching belt. Did she think I was about to retire to Florida or Palm Desert? One year they gave me this football game and as a kid who would sometimes do inventory of my things found it was missing and had been regifted. Of course after we left dad there were no cards with cash or presents at birthdays or the holidays. As mentioned before my one uncle who would buy something for everyone but me. I never knew if it was to be mean or he just had no idea what to get me. Even worse were the gift exchanges at work because the gay guy always got the gag gift. Not that they bought anything big enough to gag me. The last work gift exchange I was in a nurse had her son help her pick out a nice bottle of wine. I had to choke back tears I was so moved.

I spent years imagining being in love and being loved at Christmas. I would imagine the two of us would decorate our home and have surprises for one another. I dreamt that his family would love and accept me. I always thought my family would like him better and what a great holiday it would be. Chances of getting kissed under the Mistletoe are quickly fading.

My new holiday dream is for it to be over quickly and enough wine so I can fake festive. Yes one of the things I have learned is how to fake holiday happy. I really do count my family as my first bullies so it will be so much fun being around the ones who have not died yet. Merry Christmas Everyone.

You dislike Christmas for one reason I hate it for another. My birthday is Christmas eve, I had one birthday party as a kid, it was the 1st of Dec. NOT my birthday. I would get birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper, because the cheep bastards ............... I would get a present for your Christmas/birthday, again in Christmas paper see above.

Sometimes they even forgot my birthday all together because they were so interested in Christmas. Is it any wonder I have not talked to my brother in 18 years. My other brother always remembered my birthday and I his, but he died 27 years ago.

Today its just my son and I, neither of us like Christmas or our birthdays, his is Jan 7th. Same story as mine.

Several years ago my therapist told me I had to make the holidays my own, so I did.

We celebrate the Yule, on the 21st like all good pagans, we have a feast, then move on, the 25th of Dec is just another day nothing special, nothing at all.

It was either that of become Jewish, which I still have not ruled out.

River

My father's birthday was the 23rd and my nephew's birthday (his first grandson) is the 20th. When my father was alive it was like having two six year olds together peeking at both birthday and Christmas gifts. For a grown man, my father really wanted regular birthday parties.

I posted a link to a song in Mac the Wolf's thread and so I thought I would post a link to another song by the same artist in mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg_PF8k2Nm4

16 years a eunuch for me. 16 years ago today I was cleaning the motel room of surgical waste and discarded supplies. I sure felt like cleaning less than 24 hours after surgery but since he would not do it I did. He thought we should leave the mess for the housekeepers

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:00 am . The room was in my name and I

really did not want any questions. I was already thinking about heading home and acting like nothing happened.

Today I still remember the changes but not how long they took. I wondered if I would ever stop draining. Sitting in a Chinese restaurant eating lunch when all of a sudden I felt a gush of drainage. Eat fast, drive home, redress and then back to work. Trying to explain hot flashes by saying I need to reduce my coffee consumption. As my body was changing my nipples were erect most of the time and this did not go unnoticed by some. Make sure I button my shirt up so the fading chest hair will not be noticed. Oh and obvious to all was my heighted emotional state. Laughed harder, cried harder because everything was more intense.

Many years now since the last of the changes. Physically things have been very stable. Emotionally I have either become used to the greater feelings or they are not as intense as when T was first leaving my body. I rarely think of the old me but I still deal with events of the past. All in all a eunuch is all I know how to be.

A very special congratulations to you, Tugon. You sure have been a Eunuch a long time. Wish you the best in everything.

Congrats on 16 years! I know you have mentioned that being a eunuch is a good thing for you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the new you!

Amen to that. TG is truly a treasure to all he has helped here; compassion from experience. Let's hope for many more than another 16, and may they be happy.

Thanks friends for the kind words. Even though I was a eunuch almost 7 years before finding the EA many helped define me and my new life. So many shared and it was good to read I was not the only one who felt that way. Since so many before me had shared their story I decided to share mine. I am glad if it has helped others but it has also been my therapy. Write it down, read it and face my life and decide what needs to change. The EA family has always been a safe and nurturing place to open up and share.

We had a few mornings of single digits and I had a dog to walk. I layered to keep myself warm but nothing to protect my face. I needed to run to a store and buy a scarf since I had a hat that protected my ears. My sister suggested that I come to her house and pick out a scarf. One of the scarfs was one I purchased for my mother 35 years ago. I found it at a small boutique where everything they sold was of the quality that it would last for years. The scarf was from Scotland and was 75% Mohair and 25% wool. I always like the soft pastel colors of the scarf but it certainly was not masculine by the general publics standards. I thought what the hell I am not masculine by the general public standards either.

I wonder now if things I purchased for others are things I wish I could wear myself. Was I living vicariously through others. I also purchased a portfolio case for my mother from France. My sister has that now but I may ask for it. I do not desire to be a woman but I do like some feminine touches. I do like wearing the scarf. I like that the scarf is still as beautiful as the day I bought it and it is now mine. The scarf is easier to wear than a boa might be in my home town.

Speaking of things that are beautiful and come from France like the portfolio I remember a time that I wanted anything with a French origin. I wear eau de parfum from House Guerlain who made parfums and colognes for Napoleons. As an Irishman I am more comfortable drinking champagne than in a pub drinking beer.

I have some time off work and it seems Paris is calling. Somehow I think winter in Paris is better than winter in Ohio. I will take my scarf.

One of the nicest things about being a eunuch is this freedom to choose something that pleases one, rather than fits with perceived expectation, -unless you go out and are troubled about what "they" might say. Either way, that's way more choice than otherwise. Yes, eunuch is good!

Oh, wait this is not political I am having a tea party. Actually a friend is stopping over for some of my homemade cheesecake and some coffee. I have set the table with my antique china and silver. I have some lovely table linens but I am unable to find my fucking cloth napkins. My cheesecake won an award at a dessert contest once. I will be making coffee in my French press which is a wonderful way to make best tasting coffee. Should be a nice little midday snack.

As a child I would watch the girls have their tea parties but with my father I never dared show any interest. It was never an overwhelming desire but they seemed to be having fun and all I had were those damned army men. How many bags of army men does one boy need. Well none as far as I was concerned. As an adult I have occasionally played with an army man or a marine but that is another story.

I believe it is never too late to have a happy childhood. A friend who had a less than optimal childhood and I one day went to Build A Bear to make bears. I was asked if I was making a bear for a child and I proudly said it was for me. I even made sure it had a heart. I did not buy it any clothes since I like my bears naked. My apartment is brightly painted with colorful art and not the reserved dark atmosphere some people like. I am always talking with my dog while we walk and I chuckle when someone says "pardon me" and I tell them I was talking to my dog.

So today I fancied things up for a snack. I have inherited many beautiful things and I like the chance to use them. I hope my friend appreciates the effort. Sometimes when I get carried away it makes folks nervous. Oh dad I am having a tea party.

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

by W. B. Yeats

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart's core.

Yeats certainly had a way of expressing thoughts. --FLO--

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 06, 2014 1:44 am Yeats certainly had a way of expressing thoughts. --FLO--

Yes and it sounds like a wonderful way to live.

I received word last night that my client will not be returning home. This was actually my second termination but then the family would dangle the potential of returning. Sometimes the devil you know as the expression goes and she had some devilish potential. I am feeling relieved since I did not want to go back but I also know how tough change was for her. I have never left a client until death did us part or they needed more care than could be given at home. So now I am free to plan my next adventure.

I had someone add some polish to my resume. Or as I call it polishing a turd. I have worked in some form of healthcare since 1989 and at this late stage of life want to change jobs. I want some benefits, some opportunity to learn and grow, and build more retirement. Assuming my health does not kill me first. Now when a patient dies much like Mary Poppins I pack up and float away. Filing for unemployment would be nice or retiring with a little more pension. In-home caregiving is a builder of character but not of bank accounts. Shit am I a priest since my pay is low, people confess and I am not getting laid?

So here I am applying for jobs when I am the world's worst self promoter. I do not know if employers would appreciate my ability to suffer abuse and take crap. My ability to stay in a bad situation instead of risking change. Or should I just say I am a team player? I have noticed I am very attractive to insurance companies. Introverted people make great salespersons. I received an e-mail from a recruiter who thought I qualified for some pretty great jobs. Maybe too much polish on the resume?

Off to the store before the next winter storm. Then to the local job opportunity services for a class for older workers. Older my ass I can work circles around young people.

Hang in there! There's better out there than just putting up with it.

Seems you have a wealth of experience, knowledge of the world and need to put it all to good use.

Getting a job at our age is hard, and not easy for anyone. How about starting / running a health care business? There are then opportunities for expansion and you do not have to take shit from anyone but yourself. It's not a way out of hard work, but at least entrepreneurial activity seems the most likely avenue to prosperity for the older unemployed now.

You have all the ingredients except maybe where exactly to start with that business plan? The ACA provides many expanded openings for vendors of many services and items. -And Uncle Sam would be paying for a change!

Tugon. You are not a dummy.. You are very smart. There are so many new fields opening up that you can enter. You can easily learn to do medical billings. And do them, in your own home at the hours you want to work on them. I wish you luck and hope you find some very rewarding.

Tugon, even my wife does medical coding. (No, that didn't come out right.)

Point is that there are lots of openings in health care now, for an intelligent dog with a distinguished companion.

Hang in there!

Three years ago on St. Valentine's Day I went to the Humane Society and met Corky my beagle. I filled out the adoption papers and brought him home the next day. Saturday will be our third anniversary. What a great time it has been. Regardless of what is going on in life I knew he was home to greet me.

I do have to admit his popularity has far exceeded mine but I know so many more neighbors than I would have met on my own. He has some special friends that he is excited to see. He is sometimes so anxious to meet someone they are startled at the speed of his approach.

We were walking this morning and passing an apartment where we heard yelling. I could not understand the woman's shouts but we clearly heard the man say I never wanted those kids. Wow flashback to the time my father shouted at my mother "I never wanted those damn kids in the first place". Corky went up on the porch like he wanted to do something to help. We gave each other a hug and went on our way when it did not sound like the problem would escalate.

I know now Corky chose me. The second time I went back all the dogs were barking but Corky was grinning and wagging his tail. He knew how to win me over. Now he has to live as long as I do since I can not imagine life without him.

A week ago Sunday I was walking my dog around the apartment complex. Fresh snow had fallen and much of the ice melted during the previous day's sunshine. Unlucky for me a sunken bit of sidewalk had filled with water and refroze over night. As I stepped onto the ice my legs flew out from under me and I was on my back before I knew I was falling.

My body slammed hard on the ice and sidewalk. Corky ran over to check me out and gave me kisses. I had to scoot on my back to a snowy area so I could stand up. Once up the property manager happened to stop by and I was trying to tell her what had happened. She was unable to hear me since the wind had been knocked out of me. I was a little foggy from my head hitting concrete and a sore neck from it being jerked during my less than stellar landing. I started to walk towards home when she suggested she take me to the hospital and I declined. She then insisted that she at least give Corky and I a ride home. I managed to get in her car. I thought Corky would jump on my lap but she put him in the backseat.

Today I am still sore. I thought I would feel better by now. I also have some strange swelling in my penis and scrotum. There is no discoloration and the swelling comes and goes. As a matter of fact I had no bruising from the fall. I did have a little blood in my urine judging by the pinkish tint. I really have to stop falling. My poor brain has had enough. Time for a soak in a hot tub. Looking forward to feeling better.

With the swelling and blood you should be watching for internal bleeding. --FLO--

With the length of time that you've been in pain; with the evidence of blood in the urine; GET THEE TO A DOCTOR! What would you do if you were one of the clients whom you have cared for over the years?