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I just read this article and I found it very interesting. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archi ... ource=SFFB

I was always a guilty child. From the time I accidentally knocked a pear off of my grandfather's pear tree to a time I was a milk monitor at school and I said something to a student who did not place the milk bottle back in the rack correctly. He turned and I saw his arm in a cast. Being Catholic and liking boys, now there was some guilt. My mother ruled with guilt and I internalized it all.

I wonder if feeling guilty contributes to the need to be a eunuch? I wonder how many who suffer from depression might also have felt guilty as children.

Some scientists now believe that extreme feelings of guilt in children, such as the ones Thomas felt, can be a strong warning sign for mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and bipolar disorder later on in life. Research has long linked excessive feelings of guilt to mental disorders in adults—the DSM-V lists feelings of excessive guilt as a symptom for depression. But researchers at Washington University in St. Louis have found that excessive guilt in children might be linked to a part of the brain that is connected to controls for several different mental disorders.

There are several things that I learned were bad for me and stopped doing them to myself.

And they are exactly what this thread discusses.

a) never being thankful for a gift. There was always something wrong with gifts. I Can't explain it but it was like those traditional holiday dinners where you had certain food. If you bought certain people a gift then it was never right. If you took them to the store and forced them to choose what they liked, then the day the wrapping were open they never said thanks. Greeting cards were grudgingly sent. I stopped doing that. IF someone buys me a 50 cent ornament for my silly Christmas tree, they get thanked and I act happy or I at least act like they did something nice.

b) Guilting people for being late. My family is near on time. If you make an appointment they are late. Dinner is always an hour later. So now I plan for it and relax. Big deal.

c) The constant complaints or hate spewed at the designated "sinner" or "family bad guy." I might think that a particular relative is a fool or a bitch or a pile of shit or just plain a jerk in life. I keep that opinion to myself. I may not seek out that person but I"m not cold and heartless or cold and publicly scornful of them. It saves me a lot of anger building in my body.

d) I Was one of those little boys with the erector or block set that told myself, "I want to be a chemical engineer" and went out and did so. Some of my relatives are 30 and still have't figured out what they want to be. They never will. So I learned not to judge them about that. Others in my family didn't ever stop judging what everyone else did in their lives. I can explain most science but I don't talk down to anyone. It's their life.

None of this is easy to learn. None of it is learned fast. It all takes time and effort to unlearn the bad habits.

Yes I have been bored, so much so, that I have been watching "American Eunuchs". I seem to have a video collection of several of the eunuch documentaries. Wow I would not want to be a spokesperson for this community. Due to our motivations being so different and distrust of the media trying to represent us.

I wonder if we will ever be well represented?

Tugon, you are well respected by those at Eunuch Archive. I am sure of that one. I sure others will echo the same thing I just said.. You are one of us.

It's all up to us to represent ourselves. Relationship, like genitals are nothing but trouble, usually. Genitals can be gotten rid of. Even if we don't like people, relationships are necessary. It takes work to weed the good ones from the bad. I wonder how many of my relationships will be intact in a year or two, when I am out of the closet and making my body match my spirit.

Wow had I known that missing one holiday would cause the entire family to stop what little contact we had I would have skipped out years ago. I wish I could say I miss anyone but I cannot. Sure my nephews are fun but at that age where they are rather self involved. No calls from my dear catholic aunt with the clicking rosary beads. After all we share a love of wine. I must say I feel free to be truly on my own.

Of course I have my friends who have lasted for many years. Walt in Vermont and his wife Judy who love me as I am. Walt and I argue about when he first came to the school I was attending but we are turning 60 this year and it no longer matters. From boyhood to old age we have remained friends. Michael my son called from Alaska, not a bio son, but his mom credits me with being his second father. He is stationed in Alaska and wants me to visit. I have not met his wife and not seen his son since he was an infant. That trip would mean much to me. Michael and I met when we were both at low points and needed each other

As I distance myself from toxic family my friend family is becoming more important. I am still clearing my brain of my mother's prejudices about people. I remember when I had a friend in 1970 who was from Boston and had long hair. I bumped into him when I was with my mother and she was so judgmental. He was such a nice kind person but her judgement, based on his hair, may have influenced more than it should.

My mother was so concerned about what Michael's father thought about our friendship, since she worked with his father, forgetting that I am an honorable person. Being gay my own mother must have thought I was a predator. Unbeknownst to her I was already castrated and levels dropped to where I had no desires to Michael or anyone else. Michael gave me my name tugon.

OMG. It is true - Corky truly has it all sorted out, whatever his owner. I would be amazed to learn other than Mr C makes it clear that his current "family" (Tugon) is well worth hanging out with. -Does he think that his family is toxic, tedious, conniving, overbearing, intrusive, poisonous, opinionated.... Who knows? He seems a wise gentleman to treasure his "family" -whatever the irritations, which maybe come with most families?

BTW, we kinda like Tugon too!

Well as part of my new I do not give a shit attitude I am now pictured in my avatar. I may need to crop a little tighter so more of our faces show. We were out walking in this seasonally warm weather and sat down at the office steps. One of the women who like us brought us out some cookies. Of course Corky was very excited because he though they were for him. Well I did share a little.

I have long been interested in down sizing my life. My dream is to one day soon have one of those mini homes of 200-300 sq. ft. I have too much and which as I age it is becoming cumbersome. My art and music is more important to me than the antiques, china, silver, glassware and crystal. It has been too long since I served a meal with china and silver. Other than my china I have four more sets of dishes. There is just too much everywhere.

Or sometimes I think about having a roommate to help fill the space. My family made little contact with me but now that I know there will be no more an odd loneliness has descended. I do like the yellow and blue walls of my apartment and my window treatments. I like my furniture and how I have decorated but being alone with no one to share it with is getting old.

I am just a eunuch in flux.

Tugon,

An interesting post (referring to what you just wrote), for sure. It seems as if you are fitting into a pattern that I have seen, and more importantly that applies to me. I only met you once - many years ago at the only gathering that I attended. Can't recall the year, but I clearly remember meeting you and chatting, mostly because your conversation was genuine.

Anyway, one aspect of the pattern is what I call "less is more". Embedded in that concept is that material things mean less and relationships mean more. As I have aged, at first I resisted, but then I realized the freedom that comes from accepting and embracing the awareness that less truly is more. For instance, the bone china plates, cups, serving pieces remain nice, but I don't even cook, beyond boiling water for a soft boiled egg. Or the sterling silver flatware, etc., etc. Haven't gotten rid of any of these kinds of items, but they are stored away with fond memories of the few times they have been used over the last 40 to 50 years.

And then on the aspect of companionship, even though I wasn't looking, I found the partner that simply made my life feel complete. I met her on a cruise to Libya many years ago. Neither of us were looking, but we met by happenstance, and I have never been happier or healthier (those are related to each other) in my entire life. We enjoy traveling still. In fact, we arrived in Nicaragua late last night for a visit with friends.

Not wanting to go on and on, I feel good for you. You, like me, have ejected (or are in the process of ejecting) the "takers" from our lives, and are enjoying the things and people and pets that are important to us. I now classify people I meet as givers or takes (or a few who are above it all and are "enlightened"), and then I ignore the takers, share my life with fellow givers, and inquire and learn from the enlightened. I, too, have removed the takers from my life, one of whom was a sister. We haven't talked in more than probably four or so years. I don't hate her; I just wish her well and get on with my life as I want it to be. She has her life and I have mine, and we simply are incompatible personalities. Life has become wonderful, and full of joy (also now ignoring all the crap in the news, the world, and politics, etc.).

I am so happy that you are on the path that you are journeying through now. Embrace and enjoy the inner peace that I sense you are experiencing.

Bud

P.S., I just realized that this is my 10th year anniversary of "joining" this rather unique club.

Tugon,

BudleyBare (imported) wrote: Wed Feb 03, 2016 7:07 pm An interesting post (referring to what you just wrote), for sure. It seems as if you are fitting into a pattern that I have seen, and more importantly that applies to me. I only met you once - many years ago at the only gathering that I attended. Can't recall the year, but I clearly remember meeting you and chatting, mostly because your conversation was genuine.

Anyway, one aspect of the pattern is what I call "less is more". Embedded in that concept is that material things mean less and relationships mean more. As I have aged, at first I resisted, but then I realized the freedom that comes from accepting and embracing the awareness that less truly is more. For instance, the bone china plates, cups, serving pieces remain nice, but I don't even cook, beyond boiling water for a soft boiled egg. Or the sterling silver flatware, etc., etc. Haven't gotten rid of any of these kinds of items, but they are stored away with fond memories of the few times they have been used over the last 40 to 50 years.

And then on the aspect of companionship, even though I wasn't looking, I found the partner that simply made my life feel complete. I met her on a cruise to Libya many years ago. Neither of us were looking, but we met by happenstance, and I have never been happier or healthier (those are related to each other) in my entire life. We enjoy traveling still. In fact, we arrived in Nicaragua late last night for a visit with friends.

Not wanting to go on and on, I feel good for you. You, like me, have ejected (or are in the process of ejecting) the "takers" from our lives, and are enjoying the things and people and pets that are important to us. I now classify people I meet as givers or takes (or a few who are above it all and are "enlightened"), and then I ignore the takers, share my life with fellow givers, and inquire and learn from the enlightened. I, too, have removed the takers from my life, one of whom was a sister. We haven't talked in more than probably four or so years. I don't hate her; I just wish her well and get on with my life as I want it to be. She has her life and I have mine, and we simply are incompatible personalities. Life has become wonderful, and full of joy (also now ignoring all the crap in the news, the world, and politics, etc.).

I am so happy that you are on the path that you are journeying through now. Embrace and enjoy the inner peace that I sense you are experiencing.

Bud

P.S., I just realized that this is my 10th year anniversary of "joining" this rather unique club.

Bud first of all Happy Anniversary. I know your choices was based on medical issues but it sounds like all worked out for the best. I am very pleased to read about your continued happiness. I was also happy to read that I am following in your footsteps of removing the takers and negative people out of my life.

I also enjoyed meeting you and wish I had more time to have spent with you. I think that time was a first for both of us. If you ever return let me know I will be sure to be there.

May your travels, good health and love follow you all your days.

I have been assisting with the care of an elderly neighbor with dementia. His wife was having health problems and they could no longer walk together. When I learned of this I invited him to go on walks with my dog and me. As his dementia progresses I have helped with transportation to doctors' offices, visited him in a nursing home and with my knowledge asked why basic issues of care were not being met. I was being a good advocate for him since the wife was from the generation that does not assert herself and her concerns.

I just found out the son that never comes around and hates his father is against my helping. Apparently he and his wife checked me out on Facebook and I am a fucking faggot. I am despicable. I should not be around his 86 year old father. Yes folks no good deed goes unpunished. Hurting a little right now but it will give me a little more time for myself.

At least my earlier dementia patient was pleased with all I accomplished. He could not log on to his Yahoo account and could not remember his password. I called Yahoo and they were hesitant to give it to me. My client was in the background repeating fix my computer and his dog was barking continuously. I am not sure if it was the frustration in my voice or my threat to come through the phone lines and get him that worked. Then we went to see him mom in the nursing home.

@tugon, you just have to do what you are doing, your compassion and care is wonderful, but unfortuanately a great prod of guilt to the son. God bless you for caring there is not enough of it around.

Oh my 60 years old today. I am as surprised as the people who know me. Between my self destructive behaviors and others' destructive behaviors directed toward myself, I have survived. From castration in a cheap motel room by a hack. I still attribute my becoming a eunuch as the reason I am still here.

So off to work I go today. Being alive is quite the celebration. I remember during a time of great emotional and physical pain I thought I was ready to go at 45. I would never had made it to Paris. I would never have had the great joy my dog brings to my life. I would not be able to enjoy my art or the music I have collected. People both good and bad that have either enriched my life or taught me to avoid the red flags. Life is sweeter than I could have imagined at one point.

Happy Birthday, and indeed, congratulations on making it this far!:balsmilie

Best wishes for a happy birthday, and an even better year to come!

Happy 60th birthday from a 70 year old who wishes you to be as happy at my age as you are now. --FLO--

Thanks all for the birthday wishes.

My sister-in-law called today. She shared that my brother has cancer and it is terminal. They tried radiation and he went to the Mayo clinic for treatments but nothing can be done. Now pain management is the focus of his care. They waited until there were no options left to tell us.

He has two sons that love him very much and are struggling with the news. I knew it was going to be bad news if she called me personally instead of having a family member pass on the news. My brother was always the physically fit, active one of us and as the youngest I thought my older sister and I would go first. She and I are the overweight diabetic ones and yet we live.

Too much to process right now. I had too many questions to ask but it did not seem the right time. I am sure we will be heading out West to see him. Just blown away by the news.

Happy Birthday!

All best wishes to you and Mr Corky

Wow it snuck up on me. I began to notice things were not as they once were. I used to pride myself on a well decorated home and my art I have collected. It had been a time since I would walk around with a glass of wine and enjoy the paintings and the memories of the areas and countries where they were discovered. TV began to be annoying and too simplistic to enjoy. Music, solitude and my dog is what I looked forward to at the end of the day.

As I have posted a number of friends, family and a lover disappointed me greatly. One thing I have noticed is my inability to move on from the hurts and sorrows. I have always had to be resilient but it seems I can only dwell on the hurt and my thoughts of bad things to come their way. Bitterness does not become me.

I have almost no tolerance for stupid. I am so tired of people telling me they do not know what I am saying due to my vocabulary and how I construct sentences. Well they do not say how I construct sentences but I do tend to be fairly formal in my manner of speaking at work and I enjoy words. A guest recently called down with a noise complaint and she asked "Do you have a mechanism in place to deal with a noise complaint"? I assured her we do and I will address it post haste. I loved her way of speaking and would have loved to talk to her more. Plix and I were going into a restaurant and this very elegant woman stopped as she was leaving to tell me "This place will positively ruin your appetite" so I had to ask her what she enjoyed that was so delicious. I followed her suggestion and had a wonderful lunch.

I recently was horrified to learn that the very wealthy as part of their investments are buying incredible art not to display and enjoy but to store in environments to protect the art as the value of art increases. Ya I never really looked at if but it will be worth more one day. I hate greed but I do not hate people because they have money I only hate those who only want money. One reserve has over 1,000 Picassos' and I doubt Pablo painted them to be locked away as the values increased. I have been lucky enough to visit some of the best art museums in the world and just cannot imagine the walls being bare for an investment.

Today I am upset over a gorilla being killed to protect a young boy at the Cincinnati Zoo. The child was able to get beyond a barrier and drop into the gorilla enclosure. I know kids can get away from parent too easily and suffer the consequences. At the hospital I did CPR on a number of young children who got outside and into trouble. I just wish the parents had been more diligent so this did not happen. The gorilla is endangered and people are not.

A young man who is like my son called and he asks some incredible probing questions. I mentioned I heard from my dying brother and we had a nice conversation and some tears. He asked how I felt? My brother had a struggle having a gay brother in this ugly small town. He was never able to understand that it was incredibly tough being gay. We of course did not discuss those issues but he shared with me how the cancer was discovered and the failed attempts to treat it. I shared this with my son and again he asked how I felt. I had to be honest and admit I felt nothing. I could intellectualize feelings but could not feel anything. I could empathize for his wife and sons but not feel anything for myself. I had to admit I was dead inside.

I went to my doctor for a routine diabetic check up. My numbers were elevated and I finally admitted that I am not a compliant diabetic and I do not care. When I went to pick up my meds there was a new one and I asked what it was and the clerk said it is an antidepressant.

Tugon,

Ouch!

Yesterday belongs to yesterday. Yes, not all good, but some magnificent and an inspiration.

Tomorrow belongs to tomorrow, which is not to say that we should not watch out..

Take care, Our Treasured Friend!

Today, I went to Memorial Day, and heard and saw the things that brought back a yesterday or two. Not all times past are easy, and we move on, as the world will not stop for us. We try to make a better tomorrow with what we have seen and what we believe.

Faith gives hope.

Tugon,

daifu-orchid (imported) wrote: Tue May 31, 2016 11:06 am Ouch!

Yesterday belongs to yesterday. Yes, not all good, but some magnificent and an inspiration.

Tomorrow belongs to tomorrow, which is not to say that we should not watch out..

Take care, Our Treasured Friend!

Today, I went to Memorial Day, and heard and saw the things that brought back a yesterday or two. Not all times past are easy, and we move on, as the world will not stop for us. We try to make a better tomorrow with what we have seen and what we believe.

Faith gives hope.

Thank you for your posts and support. Yes I need to once again shed the past from my thinking. I am fighting it back to memories and not thoughts of daily living. PTSD has a way of making you remember during you waking hours and disturbing your dreams. I thought I was raped a lot in real life but so many more times in my dreams. I remember standing on the Ponts des Arts while watching the flow of the Seine river and the wind blowing much of my troubles away. Maybe I need to take myself to Paris again. Oh but I could not be away from Corky that long.

August 7th is the date for my brother's funeral. He has not passed away yet but we are great preplanners. He is in the last days of his life. I am pleased that the meds are controlling the pain from his cancer.

He is my younger brother by six years. He always kept his weight down and exercised. He has had a very successful life both personally and in business. I always thought he would be alive to see his grandchildren and great grandchildren. I guess always doing what is right does not promise you anything. His fat, diabetic, wine guzzling brother lives on without problems.

He is still married to and in love with his wife. They met on a blind date, married and have had a good life. He has two sons that are incredible and there is incredible love between father and sons. A very close and loving family.

As I have mentioned he and I were never close but things were getting better as we aged and matured. He was not as traumatized over having a gay brother. I knew that was tough for him for many of years. I am glad he came to peace with what I am. Sadly the years he spent struggling kept us apart. He would often lecture me to not talk about gay sex things which of course I would never do but he felt I needed frequent reminders.

I certainly never wanted this to happen to him. Last time we talked I told him if there were anyway I could take this burden from him I would. I even prayed which I had not done in a very long time. Sometimes you like to hedge your bets. Of course no answers as there never was any relief or help from prayer. So please do not say to me that I will pray for you or my brother.

I am sorry about your brother. I have lost many friends and family and yet I never know what to say on these sad occasions. --FLO--

Happy Birthday Tugon, I wish I was 60 again. OMG Uncle Flo is only 70, I thought he was closer to 90 On September 4 I turn 70.