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I talked to my own psyc doctor about such a concept today, and she was appalled at the idea, medical care regimens should be discussed and decided on WITH the patient, not just by the doctor. She said any doctor she hea

DonFL (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:38 pm r using such leverage for anything short of

C2 drug therapy she would submit a professional ethics complaint on, so im not the only one who is taken aback about this. Hopefully this doesnt catch on because knowledgeable patents are going to be subject to tests that we know dam well we dont need and laymen are going to be subject to tests that they will find distressing and sometimes traumatizing.

I think John Crissler is a "special case" as he often treats steroid abusers, putting him in a different category of treatment.. more substance abuse repair, often a duty of a pain management doctor has to take on..

One thing pain management doctors have to watch out for is if the patient is genuine andu using/needing the medicines or selling them (diversion is what the practice is called).

I still think the leverage was inappropriately used and you had to revel things none of his dam business, leading you to experience a traumatic visit that you shouldn't have had to do....

The consolidation and corporatization of our health-care system is starting to be a scary thing, I can imagine patients being subject to unneeded testing just to put more $$$ in their pockets.

Please once again the compliance contract was not my reason for posting. The reason I shared my abuse with my doctor is I thought the knowledge might help him in his plan of treatment. Due to some irregularities in my cardiac stress test I wanted him to understand the years of stress I had been under and what all the release of stress hormones might have done to me. I would prefer not to discuss the compliance contract further.

sorry, it got my ire up you could say, i apologize if i offended. You could say im very hypersensitive sensitive to any hint of a doctor abusing his position.

And i understand, I've been sent into tears by a doctor simply asking what a scar was from..

DonFL (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:15 am sorry, it got my ire up you could say, i apologize if i offended. You could say im very hypersensitive sensitive to any hint of a doctor abusing his position.

And i understand, I've been sent into tears by a doctor simply asking what a scar was from..

Likewise, I apologize for any offense, but not the sentiment. I'd blast any bastard who offends or hurts a friend of mine...

One of the strange aspects of early puberty for me was an obsession with condoms. I would ride on my bike from gas station to gas station hoping to find machines in the restroom. I would be so excited if I found a new brand to add to my collection. I would keep these hidden in a crawl space in the bedroom. I was not even masturbating yet so they were never used. I should not say never as I did use them to watch my growth. It was not long before I knew every station in town with machines and which stocked my favorite brands. Number per package, information on package or some clever labeling determined favorites.

From all the visits to the service stations I would befriend some of the attendants. As I became bolder in conversation I would some time offer them oral sex. I was 13 or 14 years of age at the time and as I have mentioned before I was ready for sex. They were all kind and adult enough to say no. One did think about it but said no. I wonder now what they must have thought. These thoughts stem from my thinking about all the shame I feel at times and trying to face the sources.

The condom obsession I think might have stemmed from a yet to be remembered incident. When we were still living with my father I remember getting something out of his pants pocket I think at his request. In the pocket I found a package of condoms and I knew at 6 or 7 that they fit on an erect male penis. I still

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 07, 2006 3:16 am do not know how I knew this but I was

also embarrassed to find them. Of course I felt shame from the discovery.

Much of my sexual precociousness I think stems from my early abuse. I also remember a time when I was a paperboy and collecting for the route. This grown man in his briefs came to the door and said he did not have the money and I needed to come back. I think I might have stared a little too long because he chuckled. I was always disappointed when he would have his clothes on when I came to collect. I think back now to the dangers I put myself in due to my out of control behaviors. In those days I was saddened that I was not to have sex until 15 years of age. It was not from lack of trying.

As I look back at my life it becomes very apparent that I would not be normal until becoming a eunuch.

Well I finally did it. Long overdue but better now then never. Stagnate I was becoming stagnate. When alone I could live without issues. Next to someone in bed I had to deal with the panic. I had to have the talk. This is my history and why part of me wants to run out of the house, get in the car and drive away. The talk that lets them know it is nothing they did but hurt from the past. They did not cause the pain but chances are it will effect them. Warning, warning Wil Robinson there is much emotional baggage.

EA is my first love and has helped me heal and I am a happy eunuch. What I am doing now is joining a male rape survivors web site. I will be able to deal with both childhood sexual abuses along with my adult victimizations. Sadly there are many with similar stories that I can learn from and share. I need to do this work so I can reach the level of happiness that began with my becoming a eunuch. Gepetto I want to be a real eunuch. I have felt in some ways wooden and empty. I want to integrate all of myself.

I will still visit the EA and post and with my current situation have been enjoying much time in chat. My EA friends are very important to me. My perspective of late has been more victim than eunuch has and this told me I still had work to do. I will be working hard to make this last part of my life the happiest yet.

It's 52 years do you know where your inner child is? I do not and I was looking for him. I felt the need to connect my child self with my adult self. I spent a lot of time writing my three types of childhood memories. Memories that I do remember, memories that I have heard repeated by others and memories that have come from dreams all were in the log. Sadly what I remember without the aid of dreams or as told by others were mostly violent, scary and humiliating. I worked hard to try to uncover more memories. What I think happened is that for that time I locked into the emotional state of the age when that happened. I was small, helpless and crying most of the time. I needed to be hugged and I bought myself a mommy Panda bear holding her cub in a tight embrace. If there was no one to hug me at least I had something to hug.

Another interesting thought was a time when I was writing an erotic story to Brian. I imagined myself lying next to him in bed and I was smaller than he was. In reality I am a big man at 6 feet tall and 2 hundred and "cough" pounds and he is 5 feet nine inches and about 160 pounds. As I was visualizing what I was writing I realized how small I perceived myself. Is this a view of myself as weak and insignificant? Or does it represent something else?

Then my thought was is the reason I can not find my inner child because I am still a child? Are my reactions to relationships still that of a child. I have always wanted a loving relationship but am I looking for an adult relationship or am I still waiting to be held and nurtured. Will I have to fulfill my childish needs before I can move on to love as an adult? Is that hollowness caused by the love I am missing? I can see my personal ad now "Needy 52 year old looking for love, nurturing and lullabies. Subject to tantrums and outbursts when feeling abandoned or unloved. Expensive taste in toys." I have so much ground to cover in this last third of my life.

I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

I became a cocksucker in second grade. Not a nice term but that is what an adult had me do. From that point forward that was sex to me. Some one also gave me oral sex at a young age, way before I could enjoy it. When puberty began my thoughts turned strictly to wanting to please men orally. It slowly became an obsession. I became very aggressive in submitting to men. I also could never have anyone please me because that would create fear and panic. Sexual acts were very limited to me and very one sided. Sex was also alien to love.

I understood wanting someone but I could never want someone to want me. I have not been able to have that desire for sexual release with another person. I used to think I did not want a mutual sexual relationship but now I know I can not have one, yet. I would like to work until I can have a satisfying experience with someone I can love. I would like to be able to integrate sex with love. I know my one sided attitude has hurt relationships. I wonder if some of my behaviors such as let me take care of you and do not worry about me have caused some to begin to think of me as someone to use. It has caused some to lose interest.

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here's hoping.

Dear Tugon,

That is one very sad story. Thank you for sharing.

I

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:07 am One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here's hoping.

Wow, that is a sad story.

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:07 am I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

......

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here's hoping.

Tugon, my friend, you have done a lot of soul-searching and have come a long way in understanding yourself. I give you a lot of credit for that. I think it's terrific you are working toward your goals. You have many wonderful qualities that can contribute to making a relationship a success, when you are ready for that.

I don't think any of us are too old to find love. Many younger people find relationships and fall in love. There are many others who do not. I often hear complaints from the 20 and 30-somethings that they cannot find love.

If we are open to it, love can come at unexpected moments to any of us. I wish you the very best as you continue to heal. You are a beautiful person and I value your friendship.

Hugs,

Danya

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:07 am I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

I became a cocksucker in second grade. Not a nice term but that is what an adult had me do. From that point forward that was sex to me. Some one also gave me oral sex at a young age, way before I could enjoy it. When puberty began my thoughts turned strictly to wanting to please men orally. It slowly became an obsession. I became very aggressive in submitting to men. I also could never have anyone please me because that would create fear and panic. Sexual acts were very limited to me and very one sided. Sex was also alien to love.

I understood wanting someone but I could never want someone to want me. I have not been able to have that desire for sexual release with another person. I used to think I did not want a mutual sexual relationship but now I know I can not have one, yet. I would like to work until I can have a satisfying experience with someone I can love. I would like to be able to integrate sex with love. I know my one sided attitude has hurt relationships. I wonder if some of my behaviors such as let me take care of you and do not worry about me have caused some to begin to think of me as someone to use. It has caused some to lose interest.

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here's hoping.

Wow, Tugon, I wish I could be at this years MoM so that I could give you a warm hug (or two, or more), and talk more. I do understand what you have written. Opening up as you did can be very good, but difficult.

Abrazos (Spanish for hugs),

BB

Dear Tugon,

What is normal?

Well, it is a statistical thing. Perhaps as you say you are creating your problems by seeking out relationships in which you are to victim even as an adult.

It is about self-worth and self-respect. Until you learn to respect yourself and realize that the child that has grown into you is still hurting deep inside you, you probably will continue to have problems establishing intimacy.

You deserve to have sexual satisfaction, too in addition to a mutual respectful relationship. You are NOT a receptical that is to be used and thrown away.

If your relationships are not fulfilling YOU are the only one who can change that, and you need to find out how to change that.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Kangan and Blaise while a sad story my hopes for the future are very positive.

Danya thanks for the hope of love. Hope is what has always gotten me through some days. I have loved deeply in this life and I would like to be loved deeply. I have had two great loves the one who got away and the one who needs to get away.

Bud, yes I will miss the hugs. Your posts have always been so warm that I feel your hugs from afar.

A-1 yes I need to break my programming. Until recently I thought I was doing what I wanted. Now I know who I want and need to be. In the past ten years I was only with one man because I thought we shared a love. Now I will again wait until I have found love.

...Now I know who I want and need to be.... ...

tugon (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:43 am Now I will again wait until I have found love.

Tugon, based on your writings, I hear much progress. Congratulations and hugs.

BB

This is another examination into my life and a step towards mental health.

I was looking back on my life and was saddened by all the times I thought I was going to be murdered. I do not know if they truly would have carried through with it but the fear of the event was real. I do not know why people seemed to be excited about ending my life. I do know that eventually it became of interest to me. Later in my time of abuse threats of death were involved with sexual abuse and I think death became a sexual turn-on. Death would be the last orgasm in a manner of thinking. This may have fueled my sense of being disposable.

This maybe should not be included here since I have no memory of the event but it has been told many times in the family. I also do not know the person's intent. As a young child I was sitting on the steps and my sister came behind me with a brick in her hand. She hit me over the head with enough force that the brick shattered. She was the first born and maybe wanted to be an only child.

When I was 11 or 12 years old I was playing in a wooded area behind our home. A man or a boy in his late teens was walking through the woods and when he saw me he pinned me to a tree. Next he held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. I do not remember what happened before I was against the tree or what happened after since my memory is of the knife shining in the sun and my being pressed into the tree.

A school friend who was having emotional problems tried to strangle me because I had been talking to his girlfriend. He was hospitalized briefly and is a great friend today.

After high school many nights the phone would ring with death threats. This was in the days before calls could be traced easily. Even after a change to an unlisted number the threats continued. I wondered if it was someone who pretended to be a friend during the day or a friend of a sibling.

Then of course I met my long-term abuser. I became so used to a knife or gun during sex I would wonder if it would become a fetish. His threats of my death started as a promise if I disclosed what he was doing with me. After the first rape and things became more violent I would be held at gunpoint with the gun pressing against my forehead. He would also call to tell me there was a bomb in the car. Another way I might die.

During those long years of abuse I tried to find a good man. It seems I just found more abusers. Two more men planned to kill me. One was leaving the area and said he would miss me but he was interested in finding out what it would be like to kill someone. He told me this after going to a park for a goodbye lunch. I wondered why we went to such a deserted place. Well I did some quick talking and got out of that situation. The other person who planned my death had no impulse control when drunk and stoned. He confessed to me years later that one night when he and Eddy and I were cruising around they had planned on killing me. I remember him telling Eddy not now we will wreck and I thought Eddy was just going to do something silly. The plan was that when we found a place on a country road to pull over once we were parked Eddy was going to shoot me in the back of the head. They were bored and that was the most exciting thing they could think of that night. Luckily that when we finally parked Eddy had passed out.

I met a young man who was troubled that his mother late in life realized she was gay. He had a lot of anger and needed someone to talk to about it. We had several long conversations and he seemed to enjoy my company. He became curious about sex with a man and since I was still an addict I thought what the hell. One morning after working night shift I went to see him. When we were finished I drifted off to sleep. While sleeping he took a coat hanger and bent his initials into it. He heated his homemade brand in the flame of the gas stove and burnt his initials into my ass. I got dressed and left. He called and wanted me to stop by so he could apologize. He gave me a cold drink and after I drank it he told me he put poison in it. I left but did not know if I should go to the hospital since I worked there and tell them what happened. I decided to wait and see if I had any symptoms.

While working in the hospital someone was writing and painting in betadine death threats to me in the locker room where I went to change into my uniform. I reported the threats to the VP of nursing and she told me "when you choose to be different you can expect those things". Needless to say I was very cautious leaving work for several months. I would get nervous each time a car would start as I walked across the lot. I kept a sharp eye on the surrounding medical offices. I would feel better in my car and always alternated my way home.

No one is more surprised than I that I am alive. To this day I am still hyper vigilant. I am a great get-away driver if I think someone is following me. I have to be careful where I am seated in restaurants so I do not feel trapped. Of course many of these issues disappear when I am out of the hometown. Now I will live long enough to die from natural causes and my own bad habits.

tugon (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:59 am This is another examination into my life and a step towards mental health.

No one is more surprised than I that I am alive. To this day I am still hyper vigilant. I am a great get-away driver if I think someone is following me. I have to be careful where I am seated in restaurants so I do not feel trapped. Of course many of these issues disappear when I am out of the hometown. Now I will live long enough to die from natural causes and my own bad habits.

Hi tugon,

I am very glad you are still alive. What you have been through is horrific but I am hopeful that writing out some of your life story will be a benefit for you.

I can relate to your statement about being hyper-vigilant, having been there after I was assaulted and for many years afterwards. Take care.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 22, 2008 8:12 am Hi tugon,

I am very glad you are still alive. What you have been through is horrific but I am hopeful that writing out some of your life story will be a benefit for you.

I can relate to your statement about being hyper-vigilant, having been there after I was assaulted and for many years afterwards. Take care.

Hugs,

Danya

Thank you Danya. When I look back to some of the situations I have found myself in I am embarrassed. It is good for me to get it out there and see the experiences for what they were. I have to say that there have been no events since my castration. I now make much better choices in friends and I can better see trouble before I am in the midst of it. When I was not happy with myself and fired up by T I made some very poor choices. I think some men sensed my unhappiness with myself and took advantage of it. Being happy with myself has turned out to be my best defense.

As someone who was abused twice as a kid, I can relate to the confusion, shame and fear these incidents create...

Tugon,

You write, and spell, quite good, and you have many posts about your past and evolving current state in life. Your future might just lie in copying and pasting all of those past posts into a document, organize them chronologically, and by yourself, or with an writing assistant, write a biography and have it published as a book.

Other people (currently and formerly abused, or just the general public) who do not participate in EA might benefit from your insight and evolution out of a very difficult past. Or maybe not - dredging up the past and reliving it yet again might not be good for you personally - or maybe it might be the best medicine....I have no idea, I am not trained in these things.

But I do know for me that setting goals for the future, developing action plans for achieving those goals, setting time limits, and taking action steps to achieve goals helps me forget about the past and focus on the here and now, and on my future. The future is more fun than the past for me because the pages of that part of the book of my life are blank and every day unfolds before me and reveals the unknown, the mystery, another part of the puzzle. If with each new day I dwell on the past I feel I am wasting the present, denying my future, and only creating a new past that that is exactly the same as the old past.

You just never know, someday your book could be adapted and be the foundation for a movie.

As you undoubtedly know (but have not mentioned that I could tell) worldwide there a numerous associations dedicated to help persons who were sexually abused (physically and mentally) as children. These are not for the abusers, but for the abused. A mutual help society of, by, and for the abused, of any age. Your story could help others, and might provide you with additional clarity in your life.

On those infrequent occasions when thoughts of bad things in my past seep into my focus, (as does happen), I acknowledge them and then take control and think about and work on a project, on action steps that help me achieve some future goal I have set for myself. For me, mentally reliving bad thoughts of the past is negative and destructive energy so the more I focus on the future, a good future that I will make for myself, the better i feel about myself. It's not easy, nor is it as neat and tidy as I may make it sound, but it works pretty good for me.

I find it interesting that of late I have been thinking about testosterone. Having been on a 10+ year break from T I am curious who I might be today. I must admit that two things have created the interest in being back under the influence. One is a new friend and the other has been the reaction to photo's of me before castration. Yes the desire for love and some vanity have played a part.

I have befriended a young gay man who is a very kind and warm person. First I must state it is not he I am interested in being with sexually. I enjoy his company and we spend a large amount of time together. He is in his late 20's and is the most thoughtful person I have known. If he stops to pick himself up some dinner he thinks nothing of calling me to see if I would like anything. We are mutually thoughtful of each other. I do have friends that are as kind but they are not local. I am enjoying having someone to run with that is as kind as he is. My thought is there must be more like him and one closer to my age. I am amazingly comfortable with him and I am thinking I might be able to be with someone else. He is a joy to my life and I have hope for greater joy.

My recovery from the bicycle accident is still ongoing. Even though no broken bones I wonder if I was stronger if I would be more pain free by now. I have begun to exercise again with the aforementioned friend and look forward to regaining strength. He is a runner and recently completed a ½ marathon. Next time he registers I am going to do the 5K walk. At this point a 5K run could likely kill me. I am becoming interested in good health and exercise.

Most of this I am going to try without T but if I find I need a low dose of T I will speak with my doctor. As always the fear of returning to my old self has kept me from T. My friend does not know I am without T and I have not shared much of my history. He finds me a big hearted and a together person. Yes that is who I am today for the most part and I appreciate him saying that to me. I have worked to be at this point. He has exposed me to the positive side of life and I find myself wanting more.

I must say that I do not regret my castration, as it was a lifesaver for me. I do not miss my balls. I do not miss sexual addiction. I know I do not need T to feel sexual desire towards someone that I love. I have been exposed to a normal and issue free person who enjoys life and has been taking me along on parts of his journey. Maybe I am foolish to think that with a little T I could be normal but it is a nice thought.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:40 am I find it interesting that of late I have been thinking about testosterone. Having been on a 10+ year break from T I am curious who I might be today. I must admit that two things have created the interest in being back under the influence. One is a new friend and the other has been the reaction to photo's of me before castration. Yes the desire for love and some vanity have played a part.

Hello Tugon, my friend,

It seems perfectly normal to wonder how things might be for yourself with testosterone replacement. I know how happy you are having your friend to spend time with and go out and do things together.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:40 am I am amazingly comfortable with him and I am thinking I might be able to be with someone else. He is a joy to my life and I have hope for greater joy.

It makes me happy to know that you are starting to think you 'might be able to be with someone else'. You clearly feel very safe with this young man. I'm sure he must feel very comfortable with you, otherwise your friendship would not have grown as it has. This says a lot about what a terrific person you are, too.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:40 am He finds me a big hearted and a together person. Yes that is who I am today for the most part and I appreciate him saying that to me. I have worked to be at this point. He has exposed me to the positive side of life and I find myself wanting more.

I know from our communications that this is a great situation for you. I am very glad for that. Anyway, I know from meeting you at the August MoM and spending lots of time over that period with you, that you are big hearted - and a together person, too. I have serious doubts that any of us is truly together all of the time, even if we appear to be to others.

Hugs,

Danya

I don't know if this will help but... I felt pretty "alien" when I went on HRT for a while. Call it Puberty part duex I suppose. I wish I had the podcast of a young F2M transexual who said "I felt that Testosterone was forcing me to be the typical male ASSHOLE. Then it dawned on me that I didn't really need to act out because I was having strong sexual urges. That there was a rational part of me that could act rather then be controlled." And truth be told thats what I did. Think of it as going from Puberty to "mature" fairly quickly and life for me is good. And the "alien" feeling goes away fairly quick. My theory is that Hormones wire our perception of who we are.

I wish you success if you experiment with HRT. Just remember your YOU. You don't need to become the slave to all the urges that HRT will give you. Pick and choose and enjoy those that you want to embrace. And if you need a shoulder to lean on about it PM!

- MrT

Last night was my anniversary of becoming a eunuch. I have been a eunuch for 11 years now. Becoming a eunuch was also the impetus to end a negative situation in which I had found myself trapped. 12/06/97 was the beginning of my new life.

The first step in starting my new life was redefining who I was and where I fit in the world. In many ways it was like an amusement park ride as I wondered what would be around the next curve. There were so many curves before I hit the straight-a-way. Of course years later when I found the EA and all the great and kind people I was really able to get my life in focus.

Last night a friend and I sat around watching movies. Movies that would trigger my greater eunuch emotional range. Pass the tissues please. I ordered a pizza and we enjoyed some wine. We had several inches of snow and about 10 PM we decided to go for a winters walk. The snow was beautiful and made everything look clean, white and new again. We talked, laughed and at times fell silent to focus on the beauty. After an hour of walking I realized how cold and wet my feet were. We went back to the apartment and he made tea.

In the times of quiet and beauty, in the times of the warmth of friendship I realize I am exactly who I want to be. I am not perfect and I still struggle with the past from time to time but I am healed and I am one. Life began 11 years ago when I became my true self. I thank everyone who has helped me on my journey and I wish everyone the happiness and peace, I have found, for them on their journey.

great news and congrats happy birthday