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The other day I was feeling kinda down, kinda empty and possibly headed toward depression. Not really feeling like doing anything constructive I decided to go down to the swimming hole and ruin everyones day. It felt fucking great. I cleared the place out. I got the idea from the hirja in India.

Since shame really doesn't bother me I just walked down to the river with all the beautiful college kids and shared a bit of my life. Anyway in short order the psychological effect set in and they all broke up and cleared out. It was so fucking great I wanted to splooge! I bummed a smole after a swim and rode home, classic!

I think it works 'cause you are affirming yourself. Try it when your feeling worthless it may change your outlook and brighten your day, it sure did mine!

chilli

OK, OK. I "hirja" the first time!

I think it's "Hijra", though.

Giggle!

Yoli

In manic state.

FianceeUvBigGuy (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:18 am OK, OK. I "hirja" the first time!

I think it's "Hijra", though.

Giggle!

Yoli

In manic state.

You know my smelling is all messy. That's what happens when god gives you a pea brain and near sided vision.

Shoot I used to be able to read the bottom of an eye chart!

chilli

with little mousy stuck on sticky pad.

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:57 am You know my smelling is all messy. That's what happens when god gives you a pea brain and near sided vision.

Shoot I used to be able to read the bottom of an eye chart!

chilli

with little mousy stuck on sticky pad.

Stop now! You're only encouraging me!

But, in all fairness, most messes ARE smelly!

(Yoli!...Yais?...SHUT UP!...'K.)

Y.

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:23 pm The other day I was feeling kinda down, kinda empty and possibly headed toward depression. Not really feeling like doing anything constructive I decided to go down to the swimming hole and ruin everyones day. It felt fucking great. I cleared the place out. I got the idea from the hirja in India.

Since shame really doesn't bother me I just walked down to the river with all the beautiful college kids and shared a bit of my life. Anyway in short order the psychological effect set in and they all broke up and cleared out. It was so fucking great I wanted to splooge! I bummed a smole after a swim and rode home, classic!

I think it works 'cause you are affirming yourself. Try it when your feeling worthless it may change your outlook and brighten your day, it sure did mine!

chilli

Hmmmm... when I feel as you describe, worthless and depressed, the sensation is usually triggered by an experience like you had with everybody clearing out. I guess in a way it's still affirmation of myself. But maybe as I am rather than as I see me. Now that's fucking depressing. I'm really feeling worthless. Thanks Chile!

Think I'll go down and rob a convenience store. Maybe I'll get lucky, and the cashier will bust off a cap in my unworthy ass.

...

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:23 pm I decided to go down to the swimming hole and ruin everyones day...

chilli

Chilli,

Two questions, if I may.

One: WHY ruin the day for others?

Two: HOW did you do that?

Yoli

Waitin' for the tornados and rain that Hurricane Dora will drop on me in a few more hours.

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:23 pm The other day I was feeling kinda down, kinda empty and possibly headed toward depression. Not really feeling like doing anything constructive I decided to go down to the swimming hole and ruin everyones day. It felt fucking great. I cleared the place out. I got the idea from the hirja in India.

Since shame really doesn't bother me I just walked down to the river with all the beautiful college kids and shared a bit of my life. Anyway in short order the psychological effect set in and they all broke up and cleared out. It was so fucking great I wanted to splooge! I bummed a smole after a swim and rode home, classic!

I think it works 'cause you are affirming yourself. Try it when your feeling worthless it may change your outlook and brighten your day, it sure did mine!

chilli

Hi Chilli,

I am sorry you have been feeling a down. I hope you are taking care of this in real way. I'm pretty sure there are better options available for getting some relief.

Hugggs

Hey folks-

Let me turn down the tunes...I'm kinda an autophyle...woop I mean audiophyle. And Gil "No! I'm not turning my tight little ass into a convience store!" even though I may be a fucking whore deep deep inside. I've got class.

jemagirl I'm not angry or depressed. I love how I am. I'm a very, very, very unique person. I never got bitter or vengful of the outside world. I am a very courageous person and accepting of others. While horrible things happened to me, I never let those things make me turn ugly. I just talked with my abuser the other day, I call her twice a week. We have good exchanges. Sometimes I have to tear her heartout and she will rethink her position. She is not remorseful or apologetic in the least. So there you have it.

But I was well cared for. My mother was the evil witch. A school mates mother was the good witch. She would come out to see me at school all the time. So that's how I did it Yoli...and of coarse what's mine is yours. I may not be able to resist but I can still run. (Sometimes this comes in handy with the bosses). Though one of the bosses is so intelligent and sweet I'd love to be caught in a dark corner by her anytime...but I have morals...no I don't either...

Anyway at the swimming hole I, just for that moment, had to release all these years of angst and isolation. This group of eight college girls had to accept the psychologial gravity that there are men out there, functioning memebers of society, who are so scared they will never be able to function...at all in the pressence of a woman. It's like looking at a horribally disfigured person, until you get to know them, you will be repulsed.

Off to the hardware store. I gotta mount a Berkley bike license that exp in 1975 on the cruiser. In the mean time let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

chilli-

Gil (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:21 am Hmmmm... when I feel as you describe, worthless and depressed, the sensation is usually triggered by an experience like you had with everybody clearing out. I guess in a way it's still affirmation of myself. But maybe as I am rather than as I see me. Now that's fucking depressing. I'm really feeling worthless. Thanks Chile!

Think I'll go down and rob a convenience store. Maybe I'll get lucky, and the cashier will bust off a cap in my unworthy ass.

Gil-

...Gosh...I'm sorry already...I didn't mean for you to feel like that...There's so much drama around here. Is it my fault that you feel that way or is there something you can do to make yourself feel more worthy? If it helps, making you feel unworthy was not the intention, but what can I do about an unworthy ass anyway. I feel like I'm in a virtual mental ward!!!!

I just got back from my ride, lunch and a dip in the jacuzzi (I pass my gym on the way to just about anywhere). I really love my community!!! They are some of the kindest loving people.

Now I must go take care of the abused and neglected, the bitter and hostile and of coarse the gluttons....Now should I drive my roadster, the dually or the econobox....ok ok I'll stop!

chilli-chile

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:31 am Gil-

...Gosh...I'm sorry already...I didn't mean for you to feel like that...There's so much drama around here. Is it my fault that you feel that way or is there something you can do to make yourself feel more worthy? If it helps, making you feel unworthy was not the intention, but what can I do about an unworthy ass anyway. I feel like I'm in a virtual mental ward!!!!

I just got back from my ride, lunch and a dip in the jacuzzi (I pass my gym on the way to just about anywhere). I really love my community!!! They are some of the kindest loving people.

Now I must go take care of the abused and neglected, the bitter and hostile and of coarse the gluttons....Now should I drive my roadster, the dually or the econobox....ok ok I'll stop!

chilli-chile

Hey! I'm not feeling bad. Your post made me chuckle, and I was just having fun with it. BTW, "bust a cap off in yo ass" is Ebonics for "shooting someone with a handgun". No sexual connotation whatsoever.

And when you're logged on to this site, you ARE in a mental ward!!! I visit here to get lost in the chaotic absurdity of the place. Kind of like Alice through the looking glass, except I can check out any time I like. Just wish I could contribute more to the chaos. Feel like I'm taking, and not giving back. Know what I mean?

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Paolo wrote: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:04 am You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Eagles. "Hotel California" circ 1977

chilliwilli (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:23 am jemagirl I'm not angry or depressed. I love how I am. I'm a very, very, very unique person. I never got bitter or vengful of the outside world. I am a very courageous person and accepting of others.

chilli-

I'm glad to hear that. I lost a friend to depression. So when I see a post where I think some one may be going through a rough patch I just always want to let them know they are cared for.

Chilli, it sounds to me like you need a puppy.

So, Gil, how did the convenience store robbery go?

I always ask the girls in the morning, when I do my usual smoke/pop/sugar-free candy run, if they have enough in the drawer to get us to Tahiti. They never do...

Paolo wrote: Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:15 pm Chilli, it sounds to me like you need a puppy.

Paolo-

Funny you should mention that. I just got my second visitation with Roxi. She's the cutest spunkiest little chihuahua. Me and the ex got her three years ago. I love that little baby.

chilli-

Gil (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:55 am I visit here to get lost in the chaotic absurdity of the place. Kind of like Alice through the looking glass, except I can check out any time I like.

In here, Alice has balls and the Mad Hatter doesn't.

"Chaotic absurdity" sums us up real well!

Hi!

Thank you for the mail. I am a normal human being.I consider the life and being to be a combination of many beings. While male and female are the two prime sections of the being normally majority of people enjoy in the life , the hijra, or eunuch or whatever you call it is a very much part of each human being .Here I am not talking about the physical structure.But the human being feels good when the manhood comes to the front of his realisation, a woman feels great at times of her womenhood when the women nature comes to the front.While this way of feeling great and good is common , sometimes the hijrapan(the feeling of being both and not in the middle) comes to the forefront of every human being .Some accept it and whenever it comes to the front they enjoy it. This has happened with me . I have recently discovered immense pleasure and happiness of the ardha nari reality in me and wished strongly to continue of staying with it whenever it has reached . It does not take time to feel like a man for a man, for woman to be woman or for a hijra to feel the hijrapan .But it is difficult to retain the happiness of the hijrapan in your body and mind alive and active when you are a man or woman(it's really a great feeling that is rarely enjoyed) as the society is yet to realise the real happiness of remaning in that state.I keep on bringing this state of living everyday for some time.But whenever special oportunities like that I am enjoying now for having stayed outside the house is there ,I try to enjoy it for the maximum time .Today also I am dressed up in the similar dress and am acting in the way a hijra does . I behave, act and dress up as much I have seen the hijras in picture and the readings made from books and internet.Whenever I live in this condition I share my state of consciousness with friends and people who have been talking about the eunuchs and hijras worldwide . The basic aim is to know the hijras more so that whenever i go into that state in the consciousness , I reach that nearer to them , so that the experience is not lost.As I said that I am a hijra(even though you may say that I donot satisfy the conditions and definitions of the word Hijra) for that period of time and when come out of that I am a man to the external world .The time has not come yet to come out with my photographs and get up to the external world . Hence please feel free to suggest all that you know about living like a hijra more.Please tell me if you know more eabout the hijras who are physically also the same as per the definition ,like their likings , dislikings, their daily routine ,the moments of happiness, dates they observe,the topics they cover , the dreams they have and so on . I will try to practise the same whenever I get the scope bringing the hijrapan to the front . I would also wish to mention that I donot indulge in homo sexual activities .I wish to live the life in full , like a man and like the both.It's not a fantacy .I am proud of this feeling and the way I enjoy without harming anyone . Please help me to know more , if you can without knowing who really I am .I am a 42 year old man. Be certain , it's not a joke or some false mail .It's true to me.I forgot to tell you why do I wear the costumes and dresses that hijras put on. You see , a soldier can fight in any condition . But his uniform gives an additional strength to fight . Similarly I can experience the spirit of the hijrapan in me even without the costumes and dresses .But the dress and costume gives me additonal inspiration and scope to remain close to the feeling .Yeaterday for the first time I came out of my room at around 11 PM with full costumes and dress and roamed on the roof for almost 15 minutes.It was great even with a fear.Tonight also I will try to go.Let me try.

In Hindi:

Meri tan,mann,hriday sab ye anokhi ehsas ke sath bhar jata hai.Mein abhi kisise phone par bhi bat nahi karti.Kyunki me iss hijrapan ki stithimein me mardon jaisa bat karna pasand nehin karti.Dua karo , prarthana karo ki mein iss sthitiko jyada se jyada paa sakun.Isiliye mein apko anurodh karti ki hijron jaise jine ke liye roj kya kya karna chahiye,kya abhyas karna chahiye ,kaunsi puja kaise karni chahiye, ye bataa dijiye(If you know).Aap ki sahyogse mein agar ek puri hijra ke jaise(without being physically)banjaun to aapki abhaari rahungi(it is for the time when I live like a hijra ).Aapki dua aur khat ke intejarmein. thank you

with regards

Thank you once again for rading . Wishing to recieve more mails at the earliest.

With regards

Does anyone just sing in soprano while at home and every so often go out "crossdressed" to festivals or else to church and sing. As for myself I've found out in my life nobody knows the difference when you go out as female. Of course I yank out all the hairs in my face beforehand though. (Takes a couple hours maybe and lasts for a couple of weeks since mine are black.)