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Hi all im new here and dont type or spell real good

i was castrated 20 years ago against my will wile being tourtured and starved to death . i have been a long time trying to learn to live a normal life and am still working on it . it has helped reading some of your posts i may be able to fit in here i dont fit anywhere else , so tired of being alone disposible and lonely

Welcome to the EA and you do belong here. Please do not worry about your spelling or typing. We are more interested in getting to know new members than correcting them.

I am saddened by what you have experienced and yes it takes time to heal. You can safely share anything here as I have. I have joined other sites for help with issues but I always receive more support here. It is a good group of caring people. Do not judge us by our posts in the political section.

Again welcome and I will be intereted to read more posts from you when you are ready.

Thank you for the warm welcome !! this is the first site i found and joined and found it looking for meds (t replacement) only costs me 12 dollars a day to be a boy now !!!

im real sorry and saddened to hear what happened to you. That is terrible and not something that should happen to an innocent victim.

Please, I hope you feel very welcome here and you will have somewhere you feel like you belong. I know how that feels. I don't belong anywhere either. My own communities shun me. Lesbians don't agree that I am lesbian, trans people don't agree that I am trans. But for a few people here who were part of the last strands of moral support for me, I would be utterly invalidated and would probably found the strength to finally end it.

punkypink (imported) wrote: Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:39 am But for a few people here who were part of the last strands of moral support for me, I would be utterly invalidated and would probably found the strength to finally end it.

Lil hawk and Punkypink one thing you need to know is even though some of us do not respond may be due to nothing useful to add or we just cannot relate but that does not mean we are not cheering you on from the sidelines.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Jun 05, 2011 1:01 pm Lil hawk and Punkypink one thing you need to know is even though some of us do not respond may be due to nothing useful to add or we just cannot relate but that does not mean we are not cheering you on from the sidelines.

I understand that, but it does not make the discrimination from the lesbians and the ignorance from the trans community any easier to bear. And for every one person cheering me on here, there is another having the opposite effect on me.

i am so use to being shuned and treated as being invisable that it seems strange to be treated any different even the people i worked for wouldnt admit i was even a person when i was captured they disavowed any knolage of me , after i escaped and made my way back they wouldnt med a vac me at first they just finish him off and bury him no one thought i would live any ways . so many times i wished i had died even prayed to die yet here i am still trying to live

i was captured in kuaite and sent to abugray prison in bagdad after 4 months of being tourtured starved raped and castrated i was dumped in a mass grave outside the prison and lime was thron over me to keep the smell down of the bodys untill they cover them with dirt ( i was to weak to scream from the torture anymore so not as much fun i guess i had no finger nails toe nails or teath left no balls ether and wieghed about 65 or 70 lbs )

Where are you now lil hawk?

i live in oregon now . heavy meal ? then or now then it was a watery tin of rice about the size of a can of cat food every other day if u got lucky there may be a few maggots in it

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:00 am i live in oregon now . heavy meal ? then or now then it was a watery tin of rice about the size of a can of cat food every other day if u got lucky there may be a few maggots in it

Well I am glad you made it out. Hopefully your ordeal is over and you can begin the upwards climb.

I still need to find the bottom first, and looking at society, I don't think I will ever find the bottom, much less ever be able to climb up.

i been climeing up and out for almost 20 years 1 year in the hospital the rest out in the world i never give up never give in and never quit just the way it is .

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:46 am i been climeing up and out for almost 20 years 1 year in the hospital the rest out in the world i never give up never give in and never quit just the way it is .

I am glad you are fighting your way back from the atrocities. We are the same age and I am glad you have survived. Please continue to reclaim your life and find your happiness. Sounds like you have never lost hope and hope is very important to survive. Please keep sharing with us.

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:46 am i been climeing up and out for almost 20 years 1 year in the hospital the rest out in the world i never give up never give in and never quit just the way it is .

Good for you. If I could I'd happily give you my body in exchange for being allowed to leave this world.

punkypink (imported) wrote: Sun Jun 05, 2011 7:37 pm I understand that, but it does not make the discrimination from the lesbians and the ignorance from the trans community any easier to bear. And for every one person cheering me on here, there is another having the opposite effect on me.

I'm glad to see you posting here again. I didn't see you for a while and I was worried about what happened to you.

It is true that there are a vocal minority of trans people that like to grade and judge others by their "transness". It is so funny (sad and pathetic) that those on the bottom of the totem pole of outcasts would wish to put others down. I have found wonderful people in the trans community but there are a few that are a "real piece of work".

I don't have much experience yet with cisgendered lesbians but I have heard a lot of negatives about them when concerning M2F women. I'm afraid that a lot of it also boils down to how well you pass and how attractive you are. I do know a few trans women that are very beautiful and they have absolutely no problem with lesbians accepting them.

Just because someone is gay or lesbian, doesn't make them much more open minded about anything else besides their own personal differences.

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:46 am i been climeing up and out for almost 20 years 1 year in the hospital the rest out in the world i never give up never give in and never quit just the way it is .

Welcome! This is a wonderful group.

It breaks my heart to think of what human beings are capable of doing to one another. You are a strong person, please never forget that fact. Not only are we all here for you, there are professionals in the world that can help (Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Marriage and Family Therapists). Please seek them out as well, if you haven't done so already.

If you don't mind my asking, were you overseas with the military or a private company? Not that it matters which failed to protect you, just my curiosity.

Please feel free to write me privately. I am a spiritual energy practitioner (Reiki) and will add you to my work if you like. It is one way of helping to change the world in which we live and therefore I do not charge.

punkypink: You may consider us friends. We care about you, even if we aren't close enough, location wise, to provide you with other support. We wish you the best.

JessicaH (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 1:48 am I'm glad to see you posting here again. I didn't see you for a while and I was worried about what happened to you.

It is true that there are a vocal minority of trans people that like to grade and judge others by their "transness". It is so funny (sad and pathetic) that those on the bottom of the totem pole of outcasts would wish to put others down. I have found wonderful people in the trans community but there are a few that are a "real piece of work".

I don't have much experience yet with cisgendered lesbians but I have heard a lot of negatives about them when concerning M2F women. I'm afraid that a lot of it also boils down to how well you pass and how attractive you are. I do know a few trans women that are very beautiful and they have absolutely no problem with lesbians accepting them.

Just because someone is gay or lesbian, doesn't make them much more open minded about anything else besides their own personal differences.

I'm not sure they're just the minority like you suggest. Even here on the EA, the type who like to grade and judge exist, and have even cross swords with me in the past.

One reason I disappeared for a bit was because I got so sick of them I couldn't stand to see them even for one minute, spreading their lies and ignorance here. I remember one fairly prominent former EA member who told me bluntly I'm not trans because I don't take hormones or blah blah blah. I did not wish to say it at the time, but it sounded like she's putting others down because she had confidence issues with how she looked. Should I name names before people will see the point I make is valid and accurate?

As for lesbians, it has nothing to do with how you look. when the penny falls, and they find out what's between the legs, the prettier and more passable you were, the angrier they are at being "fooled". All that looks serve to do is to make them more likely to give you the time of the day to begin with but at the end of the day, they only care about what's between the legs, the vagina fetishists.

You beautiful trans friends. Are they TRULY accepted? Will the lesbians say "on the sole basis of what's between your legs i hearby proclaim you will never be more than platonic, and never have the same chance a cisgendered female may have with me"? Because that is not acceptance. That is at best tolerance, and passive discrimination.

How many lesbians do you know who REALLY accept a trans woman? My ex-gf was one. What did the lesbian community do? Call her names. Like "cocksucker". Invalidate her orientation. She has far more reason than any lesbian to hate cock (twice a rape victim) and she could see past skin deep and TRULY accept me. 99% of lesbians are shallow, ignorant, and can't. What do they do? Go OUT OF THEIR WAY to heap abuse on the one lesbian who could do the right thing the rest can'

Slammr (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 4:03 am t do. Accept? Lesbians? I'll believe it when I see it.

punkypink: You may consider us friends. We care about you, even if we aren't close enough, location wise,

to provide you with other support. We wish you the best.

Thanks Slammr. It's appreciated, even if I don't often say that.

jess i was an indepentant contractor hired to do a job that just went bad some of them do i look at how many lived thru the first gulf war and know my suffering was worth it

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:06 am jess i was an indepentant contractor hired to do a job that just went bad some of them do i look at how many lived thru the first gulf war and know my suffering was worth it

Respect Sir.

...

lil hawk (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:06 am i look at how many lived thru the first gulf war and know my suffering was worth it

Touche', my friend.

Sometimes, in my frustration and zeal on hearing of one persons tribulations, I forget to stand back and view the story the big picture has to tell. I applaud you for your ability to do so!