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Hello everyone, you can call me Jim and in my mid-forties. I have been a lurker for several years and admire the honesty of your members. I am personally a heterosexual and have been married for over 15 years to the same person. She is a great person and friend and lover but starting about five years ago I have started to get very bad crushes on other women. Fortunately for our marriage the other women have not been interested in me I decided to tell my wife that I had a problem with crushes a few years back but she was hurt by that. She told me as long as they don't turn into anything bigger not to tell her about them. So I am left to deal with them myself. I understand her position and probably should have not even brought it up but we have always been honest in all things.

What scares me is I fall so in 'love' with these women I would do almost anything. Sex, run away with them, etc. I will think about them 24/7 and go into prowl mode where I try to court them. I know in my mind these thoughts are not rational and I have no idea where they come from. What is worse is I have no idea how to stop these obsessions. As a side note, I am prone to obsessive compulsive thoughts and I know crushes seem to have that obsessive compulsive quality to them. Usually my obsessive compulsive thoughts have to do with addictions, alcohol, smokes, food, career, stock market, hobbies, etc and I have to always keep it in check. And yes, I do enjoy pornography but don't feel like that is an addiction since I don't obsess over it. My wife allows me to watch porn and sometimes watches with me. I know this is an unusual 'problem' for this forum but I didn't know who to talk to about it. Since I know many of you are always considering the psychological aspect of sex and relationships I thought someone could help me deal with this problem. It seems innocent enough but if I was ever to find a willing recipient to my affection my marriage would be in real jeopardy.

I got to wondering last night if I didn't have testicles would I still have this problem ? Is the root of a crush sexual ? or of the heart ? of the ego ? or of the mind ? or all of them? Can't wait to hear some thoughts on this problem of mine. Thanks for listening

Hi Jim,

I have been a bit down that road myself but took the ethanol way out to get rid of my so called over sexed drive. If i could start over again I would first get a blood test done and see if your T levels are within the normal range or up higher.

Once you know what is driving you to do these things then you can work out a course of action. Don't just barge in and say I will lower my sex drive.... that should be enough to fix it....lots of things have different effects on us and the two guys in the middle can be blamed only for some of them. take care, regards

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 31, 2012 8:32 pm I got to wondering last night if I didn't have testicles would I still have this problem ? Is the root of a crush sexual ? or of the heart ? of the ego ? or of the mind ? or all of them? Can't wait to hear some thoughts on this problem of mine. Thanks for listening

If you lower your testosterone level enough you will no longer have any sexual urges or phantasies, even if you try. You don't even miss them.

wishtobe (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 31, 2012 10:10 pm Hi Jim,

I have been a bit down that road myself but took the ethanol way out to get rid of my so called over sexed drive. If i could start over again I would first get a blood test done and see if your T levels are within the normal range or up higher.

Once you know what is driving you to do these things then you can work out a course of action. Don't just barge in and say I will lower my sex drive.... that should be enough to fix it....lots of things have different effects on us and the two guys in the middle can be blamed only for some of them. take care, regards

I guess I never considered that I may have a high testosterone level :-\ I do masturbate a lot but as you know that only gives relief for about 15 minutes ... That is an interesting concept to get my T levels tested. I wonder if mine are elevated if there is a way to decrease it to normal range because I do not want to be fully eunuchized, ah apparently eunuchized is not a word

and a side note, I understand why men would ruin their lives over sex but why do women do it ? Last I checked women don't have testicles. I am so confused right now

From my experience having been castrated in 1986 as an aspect of a vehement effort to not die from cancer as my dad and brother did, cancer that is almost guaranteed in the absence of sufficient preventive surgery, I may have some useful thoughts to share. Because of cancer risk issues, I never even for a moment entertained testosterone replacement.

I am significantly transgendered, though not quite to the threshold at which I would have sought gender reassignment. I do have both B.S. and Ph.D. degrees in bioengineering and am, I find, a decently competent biologist as a necessary aspect of bioengineering.

I have the notion firmly in mind that I am a good enough biologist as to never expect anyone else to respond to castration exactly as I have responded, yet there are common aspects of castration effects that are very commonplace. One is a formidable reduction in "sex drive," in terms of stretch receptors in typical male sexual structures, said stretch receptors being a major factor in having nocturnal emissions and the drive for sexual release prior to having a nocturnal emission when that is achievable. The physiological drive based on stretch receptors is a spinal ganglion reflex and is not particularly under ordinary conscious, willful control except through deliberately doing what it takes to have an orgasm and ejaculation.

My automatic nocturnal emission cycle, at the peak of my supposed sexual prowess was from 4 to 5 days. Shortly after the onset of puberty, I discovered that masturbating to orgasm twice a week allowed me to have uninterrupted sleep at night and took my much less of my time than "cleaning up the messes." So, until I was married, at age 35, I solved my sexual release problem that way, with minimal inconvenience to the rest of my life. It just never crossed my mind to bother with sexual release otherwise, because anything else would, such as sex with someone else outside marriage, would take even more of my time than cleaning up a nighttime mess about twice a week.

Came marriage and, along the way, a baby, and my wife and I decided that our family was complete, and so, when cancer risk became unconscionable for me, I found a way to "engineer" getting a doctor to do a bilateral orchietomy, only with the provision that I would never identify the doctor, and paid cash for the deed.

My experience, perhaps because of the extent to which I am transgendered, was that a form of bothersome mental fog accompanied the onset of puberty, and it persisted until the orchiectomy, whereupon it went away and the clarity of thinking I had prior to puberty as-though returned. Thus, I would not dream, even for a wisp of a moment, of taking testosterone replacement.

And..., my experience with orgasms and erections is much as it was before the orchiectomy, with the one difference that it never has bothered me if my wife is "tired." I exercise my erection and orgasm reflexes enough that they have not faded away, and also could contentedly go forever without having an erection or orgasm, were that to be my preference. As with some other Eunuch Archive members, I am in control of my "sex life"; it is not any more at all in control of me.

In my life, I never knew that masturbation gave relief for only about 15 minutes, when I had testicles, I would choose when it was convenient to prevent the next nocturnal emission, and that might not happen for as much as 5 days, far longer than 15 minutes.

As to men ruining their lives over sex, I would speculate that such is not about sex per se, nor is it about sexual release per se; my best guess for now is that such is of a form of trauma and trauma response in the form of something possibly approaching addiction.

The essence of addiction, it seems to me, is psychological displacement; a problem which is too important to forget and too discomforting to remember, that gets attached to a behavior that temporarily relieves the sense of discomfort without dealing in any constructive manner with the importance of the problem. In contemporary society, as best I can determine, at least mild forms of addiction are the very nearly universal human experience, and are not at all a matter of a person's character or worth.

To such extent as a form of addiction may be at work in a person's life, eliminating testicular testosterone production may allay an undesired tendency toward dalliances, or, much more rarely, may not.

I do enjoy flirting though I can no longer perform. Women seem to know of my, er, condition, and to feel safe when I make improper suggestions to them. They giggle. All women are beautiful when they laugh. I have had the same thoughts of running away with a new person but alll of the cunts seem to belong to the Women's Club, so they support my wife rather than me. Men are predatory. Women are territorial. Women support women. Men try to beat the crap out of other men. So be it, and such is the way of the world. I do enjoy seeing the human comedy played out.

If it is a problem, I'd look into counseling first and try to find out why you crush on other women. Is there something in your marriage that isn't making you happy? What is is about these women that attracts you? Are they all similar or are they just not your wife? Talk to a professional who deals with marriage/relationship issues. Maybe he/she can help you figure some things out. It would allow you to work through these things without cheating on your wife and destroying everything you have. If you cheated you'd be hurting her, breaking her trust, losing your wife and friend...Do you still LOVE her or do you fall out of love with her when you have these crushes?

I am dubious that there is anything wrong with you physically. Nor would a T test tell you anything more than where you are on a chart of low to high. You did say that your wife is a great lover, so to me, it would indicate she'd probably not be interested in being married to a Eunuch who can't perform. You don't want to mess around with your body chemistry unless it is a last resort option.

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:49 am If it is a problem, I'd look into counseling first and try to find out why you crush on other women. Is there something in your marriage that isn't making you happy? What is is about these women that attracts you? Are they all similar or are they just not your wife? Talk to a professional who deals with marriage/relationship issues. Maybe he/she can help you figure some things out. It would allow you to work through these things without cheating on your wife and destroying everything you have. If you cheated you'd be hurting her, breaking her trust, losing your wife and friend...Do you still LOVE her or do you fall out of love with her when you have these crushes?

I am dubious that there is anything wrong with you physically. Nor would a T test tell you anything more than where you are on a chart of low to high. You did say that your wife is a great lover, so to me, it would indicate she'd probably not be interested in being married to a Eunuch who can't perform. You don't want to mess around with your body chemistry unless it is a last resort option.

First, I want to thank all who have responded. Very good responses that have made me think at my problem from different angles. I think Wolf-Pup has hit on some very good points. Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. Marriage counseling may be an option but I would have to go it alone which seems counterproductive. My wife and I did go to a counselor once when I was being distant about 8 years ago. The counselor thought I had Asperger's syndrome which would explain part of my obsessive compulsive nature. Not much I can do about having Asperger's but it did help my wife to understand me better.

To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive I will be able to convince all three of us two move to Utah and get married. That is how fucked up my thinking can get !

I was referring to cousneling for yourself, at least at first. It could be the case where she is asked to come with you at times, but it would be your therapy primarily. Better to do it proactively than hope you can salvage your life after the fact

Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:04 am I was referring to cousneling for yourself, at least at first. It could be the case where she is asked to come with you at times, but it would be your therapy primarily. Better to do it proactively than hope you can salvage your life after the fact

I understand. Thank you for your help ! Are you single ? I think I love you.

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:29 am First, I want to thank all who have responded. Very good responses that have made me think at my problem from different angles. I think Wolf-Pup has hit on some very good points. Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. Marriage counseling may be an option but I would have to go it alone which seems counterproductive. My wife and I did go to a counselor once when I was being distant about 8 years ago. The counselor thought I had Asperger's syndrome which would explain part of my obsessive compulsive nature. Not much I can do about having Asperger's but it did help my wife to understand me better.

To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive I will be able to convince all three of us two move to Utah and get married. That is how fucked up my thinking can get !

Because I have long observed sometimes-serious prejudice directed toward autism-spectrum folks, I chose to describe some aspects of biology that you might, or might not, regard as useful in some way or other. The autism spectrum has tended to be divided into two camps, those whose lives fit the pattern described by Dr. Hans Asperger, and those who fit the pattern described by Dr. Leo Kanner. Their work was originally published around 1944, but Asperger's work, perhaps because it was done in Austria during World War II, did not make it into the English language until the 1980s. For those of us who are rather comfortable with being autistic, such as myself, the two patterns are sometimes named Aspies (you?) and Auties (me). Auties have language-delay issues that Aspies do not have.

As to finding psychotherapy/counseling, my experience suggests it may be a really good idea to locate someone who has established competence in working with older Aspies; many counselors who are not sufficiently familiar with autism and the ways autism-spectrum people experience social reality (which ways are greatly varied) can add to the difficulty an autism-spectrum person experiences without the counselor being aware of this.

I wonder whether part of what may be at work in your concern may be the effort required to present to other people as not being not particularly autistic. In my view, autism is a perfectly normal and necessary aspect of the biological diversity within humanity that has allowed humans to exist.

Perhaps you have noticed the "thing" at the bottom of the postings of the Archive "Jesus" (Not to be confused with THAT Jesus), "Nature loves variety. Unfortunately, society hates it."

In my view, autism is part and parcel of the variety that nature loves.

Sometimes, people who find themselves disrespected by "society" seek ways of coping with disrespect by doing things that give a sensation of pleasure in an effort to balance a sense of having been disrespected. That is a form of psychological displacement, a mental mechanism that can make difficult situations far easier to bear.

While autism-spectrum people tend to have difficulties with marriage, I have been married to my wife for over half of my life, with no end to marriage in sight "so long as we both shall live." And, yes, as difficulties arose in our marriage, we did seek out and find useful professional counselors.

What you have shared here is characteristic of people whose individuality has been disrespected by some other people and who seek assurance of self-worth through varied relationships. If that is in any way true for you, which I do not know at all, then effective counseling may be helpful. Such may be worth a try... Few marriage counselors that I have heard of are usefully competent in dealing effectively with autism-spectrum matters. Perhaps that has changed, now that autism has become more fashionable?

For what it is worth, I am autistic (I do not "have autism") and I find autism-spectrum people to be as normal as is anyone else.

I'm going to be brutally honest in my opinion.

I've read this through a few times, and the thing is, one does NOT fall in LOVE with every skirt that goes by.

"Crushes" are usually lust.

I assume that at one time, you were in LOVE with your now-wife?

If you were, are you no longer in love?

How do you think she feels?

It sounds to me like you've got a problem with LUST, not LOVE, and there is a huge difference.

Paolo wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:32 am I'm going to be brutally honest in my opinion.

It sounds to me like you've got a problem with LUST, not LOVE, and there is a huge difference.

Jimmy Carter is quoted as having said that he had LUST in his heart many times but he's still with Rosalyn because he never acted upon it.

janekane (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 9:05 am Because I have long observed sometimes-serious prejudice directed toward autism-spectrum folks, I chose to describe some aspects of biology that you might, or might not, regard as useful in some way or other. The autism spectrum has tended to be divided into two camps, those whose lives fit the pattern described by Dr. Hans Asperger, and those who fit the pattern described by Dr. Leo Kanner. Their work was originally published around 1944, but Asperger's work, perhaps because it was done in Austria during World War II, did not make it into the English language until the 1980s. For those of us who are rather comfortable with being autistic, such as myself, the two patterns are sometimes named Aspies (you?) and Auties (me). Auties have language-delay issues that Aspies do not have.

As to finding psychotherapy/counseling, my experience suggests it may be a really good idea to locate someone who has established competence in working with older Aspies; many counselors who are not sufficiently familiar with autism and the ways autism-spectrum people experience social reality (which ways are greatly varied) can add to the difficulty an autism-spectrum person experiences without the counselor being aware of this.

I wonder whether part of what may be at work in your concern may be the effort required to present to other people as not being not particularly autistic. In my view, autism is a perfectly normal and necessary aspect of the biological diversity within humanity that has allowed humans to exist.

Perhaps you have noticed the "thing" at the bottom of the postings of the Archive "Jesus" (Not to be confused with THAT Jesus), "Nature loves variety. Unfortunately, society hates it."

In my view, autism is part and parcel of the variety that nature loves.

Sometimes, people who find themselves disrespected by "society" seek ways of coping with disrespect by doing things that give a sensation of pleasure in an effort to balance a sense of having been disrespected. That is a form of psychological displacement, a mental mechanism that can make difficult situations far easier to bear.

While autism-spectrum people tend to have difficulties with marriage, I have been married to my wife for over half of my life, with no end to marriage in sight "so long as we both shall live." And, yes, as difficulties arose in our marriage, we did seek out and find useful professional counselors.

What you have shared here is characteristic of people whose individuality has been disrespected by some other people and who seek assurance of self-worth through varied relationships. If that is in any way true for you, which I do not know at all, then effective counseling may be helpful. Such may be worth a try... Few marriage counselors that I have heard of are usefully competent in dealing effectively with autism-spectrum matters. Perhaps that has changed, now that autism has become more fashionable?

For what it is worth, I am autistic (I do not "have autism") and I find autism-spectrum people to be as normal as is anyone else.

Well, I had the possibly fortunate problem of not being diagnosed until late in life. So I lead most of my life not knowing, but suspecting, that I had a low level autism issue. From an early age I was very good at music. I eventually got a full scholarship to college because of my music skills. This gave me enough self confidence to continue on my own and build a life for myself. But I always had extreme struggles with OCD and drowned it out in a pool of alcohol. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't consume at least 12 beers and a few shots. This went on until I was about 37. I just decided I was going to quit smoking and drinking even if it made me die ! Well, I didn't die but I have had to face my demons sober. I had to re-learn how to deal with life. When my marriage counselor mentioned I may have Aspergers I went to study the symptoms and I couldn't believe it. I had every one of them ! But aspergers can make a person very focused and can lead to success if it is channeled in a positive way.

On a positive note, I just talked to my wife about it. Even though she told me never to tell her I figured if I did it in a sensitive way she may be more receptive. She was very understanding this time and I think I am going to work through this problem of mine without to much damage being done. The trick this time: I asked her if she had any crushes since we have been married. She said yes

...

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:29 am Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive ...

Your situation is much like mine was during my 15-year marriage 30 to 45 years ago, except the genders were the other way around -- it was my wife who coveted the additional sexual relationships. She got them, too, without my disapproval or jealosy, and without reduction in our own caring, respectful relationship and affectionate sex life. Neither was she insatiably over-sexed from hyper-hormones. What we were doing was part of what's now known as the "hotwife-and-cuckold" lifestyle, where she is polygamous, he isn't.

I've reflected on her motivations over the years. They include good companionship and conversation, good sex, new relationship fascination both in the initial getting acquainted and in becoming more deeply intimate in heart and mind, not just the sex organs. The feelings and effects of loving and being loved were sought. Given her somewhat fragile self-worth as a legacy of her growing up conditions, I think that validation of herself as desirable and worthy is what these extra-marital escapades provided her that satisfied her the most.

Your self-description in this thread finds me already prepared with this analogous account from my own life. I hope it's provocative. Your testosterone level, if high, may explain only a part of your urges, maybe only a minor part.

Woggler58 (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:03 am Your situation is much like mine was during my 15-year marriage 30 to 45 years ago, except the genders were the other way around -- it was my wife who coveted the additional sexual relationships. She got them, too, without my disapproval or jealosy, and without reduction in our own caring, respectful relationship and affectionate sex life. Neither was she insatiably over-sexed from hyper-hormones. What we were doing was part of what's now known as the "hotwife-and-cuckold" lifestyle, where she is polygamous, he isn't.

I've reflected on her motivations over the years. They include good companionship and conversation, good sex, new relationship fascination both in the initial getting acquainted and in becoming more deeply intimate in heart and mind, not just the sex organs. The feelings and effects of loving and being loved were sought. Given her somewhat fragile self-worth as a legacy of her growing up conditions, I think that validation of herself as desirable and worthy is what these extra-marital escapades provided her that satisfied her the most.

Your self-description in this thread finds me already prepared with this analogous account from my own life. I hope it's provocative. Your testosterone level, if high, may explain only a part of your urges, maybe only a minor part.

Well, that would be sweet but I have already briefly mentioned the possibility of at least threesome love but I don't think she wants to go there. I think if I pushed the idea she would at least try it but why push something that could have disastrous results ? So I am happy she at least lets me watch it on the interwebs. Most wives wouldn't even agree to that one.

Well, that would be sweet

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:15 am So I am happy she at least lets me watch it on the interwebs. Most wives wouldn't even agree to that one.

Reduce your testosterone enough and you will have little or no interest in porn anymore.

unencumbered (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:29 pm Reduce your testosterone enough and you will have little or no interest in porn anymore.

Not to worried about eliminating porn from my life., it only takes up a total of 5 minutes of my day ..... and thanks to the miracle of the internet I don't have to pay for it

Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:37 pm Not to worried about eliminating porn from my life., it only takes up a total of 5 minutes of my day ..... and thanks to the miracle of the internet I don't have to pay for it

Lack of libido lets you focus on other things in your life.

unencumbered (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:14 pm Lack of libido lets you focus on other things in your life.

This is true, I have always wanted to be a serial killer but never had the time for it. Thank you, I think i will chop off my nads now.

I have to say, I was concerned with the direction this was going for a while. I'm really glad you decided to talk to your wife in a way that starts you both off on common ground. However, I would suggest continuing that way of approaching the issue - looking at porn to satiate certain fantasies is fine, but if you can find a solution that involves both of you, that may be the more practical approach. Try spicing up your love life; try some roleplay in the bedroom; talk to her about her fantasies; try some toys; try being more spontaneous - every love making session does not have to be a grand event, and the unexpectedness can make up for some of the excitement.

I think were quite accurate in saying it is somewhat of a midlife crisis - there is no reason your relationship can't come out stronger for the trials

thatstuff89 (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:43 pm I have to say, I was concerned with the direction this was going for a while. I'm really glad you decided to talk to your wife in a way that starts you both off on common ground. However, I would suggest continuing that way of approaching the issue - looking at porn to satiate certain fantasies is fine, but if you can find a solution that involves both of you, that may be the more practical approach. Try spicing up your love life; try some roleplay in the bedroom; talk to her about her fantasies; try some toys; try being more spontaneous - every love making session does not have to be a grand event, and the unexpectedness can make up for some of the excitement.

I think were quite accurate in saying it is somewhat of a midlife crisis - there is no reason your relationship can't come out stronger for the trials

Thank you, sounds quite reasonable. My crush hasn't gone away yet but I am doing my best to deal with it. I will let you in on a secret: The object of my crush doesn't even speak English and I can't understand much of what she says Maybe that is why I like her so much