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I deleted my post. It was not useful. Just trying to work through my thoughts on different ways to earn a living - legally.

Well, I'm house sitting myself. This may be my new career now if I really ever had one. I water and mow the front lawn, clean up the backyard of clutter from years past, put out the trash on Tuesdays which is usually full, keep the house clean, help out the owner every so often when they show up and move some more of their stuff out.

Thanks for responding, devi! I hadn't thought about house sitting, but your mentioning it reminded me of a friend who used to do this.

I'm continuing to look for a job in my field. I might even be offered a job very soon. There are things that cause me concern, though, with staying in this line of work. Particularly my pevic pain problem. How do I cope with that in a demanding job that is stressful and entails, for some I've interviewed for, hours well beyond 40/week (like the 60 - 70 I was quoted for one)? Stress makes the pain worse. I need time to exercise and complete my physcial therapy exercises.

Anyway, I'm considering a number of options. I want to work and I need to work.

Again, thanks for helping me to remember there are many ways to earn money.

I couldn't come up with a name for this thread and I didn't want to spend time thinking about it! I figure with this title I've got my bases covered as far as content goes.

Just finished reading a great article, published by a group of pain management professionals. I need to print a few pages and hang them where I can see them.

I am feeling very discouraged by my pain. It is continuing to very slowly dissipate but it's already been about 10 months I've been living with it. What I must remember is that a bad pain day doesn't mean anything beyond that. I must keep in mind that, although my pain is manageable it does place limits on what I can do. This last part is what I'm only now starting to fully accept and it is, of course, difficult to do. In part because it may affect my career options.

I now have insurance through a state plan. I'll make an appointment with my physical therapist so she can evaluate my progress and continue treatment.

I feel so much better when I'm able to get out and be around people. Speaking with friends and, above all, laughing also help.

Danya (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:00 am I couldn't come up with a name for this thread and I didn't want to spend time thinking about it! I figure with this title I've got my bases covered as far as content goes.

Just finished reading a great article, published by a group of pain management professionals. I need to print a few pages and hang them where I can see them.

I am feeling very discouraged by my pain. It is continuing to very slowly dissipate but it's already been about 10 months I've been living with it. What I must remember is that a bad pain day doesn't mean anything beyond that. I must keep in mind that, although my pain is manageable it does place limits on what I can do. This last part is what I'm only now starting to fully accept and it is, of course, difficult to do. In part because it may affect my career options.

I now have insurance through a state plan. I'll make an appointment with my physical therapist so she can evaluate my progress and continue treatment.

I feel so much better when I'm able to get out and be around people. Speaking with friends and, above all, laughing also help.

I wish you had the financial resources to do a consultation w/ Marcie Bowers. Perhaps I overestimate her abilities because she was a friend of mine before she went off to Trinidad to study w/ Dr Biber, but she was head of OB/GYN dept at Swedish Hospital here. Unfortunately she is now in San Francisco, which is a long way from you.

Transward

transward (imported) wrote: Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:01 pm I wish you had the financial resources to do a consultation w/ Marcie Bowers. Perhaps I overestimate her abilities because she was a friend of mine before she went off to Trinidad to study w/ Dr Biber, but she was head of OB/GYN dept at Swedish Hospital here. Unfortunately she is now in San Francisco, which is a long way from you.

Transward

I remember now that Marci started out in your area of the country, Transward. Several years ago, I met her at a transgender conference here.

Your idea is a very good one. Thanks for mentioning it. Depending on the job(s) I get, I may be able to swing a visit to Marci's office. I won't be able to do that for some time.

Much of my pain is tied to scarring. One of the goals of physical therapy is to mobilize tissue restricted by scarring while gradually releasing myofascial tissue tied to scar development. It may be that at some point I will need scar revision, although my scarring doesn't seem to be major.

For the first time, I'm facing that fact that I am not happy with my GRS result. I've never been happy with the pain, but then I thought my recovery would be much further along by now. It's been nearly 17 months since my surgery. I still have no regrets about surgery; I knew there were complication risks and I'm dealing with one of them.

It's healthy, I think, for me to recognize this unhappiness. It leaves me in a more realistic spot to deal with my situation. Now that I have insurance, I can see my physical therapist and add in one or two other things that may help. Physcological counseling on coping with chronic pain, at a minimum. I need to get my emotions in a better place. I'm beginning to feel down much of the time.

A 'down' side of this is that I tend to withdraw from people. I don't want to call friends when I'm in a really low mood and I don't want to leave the house. I know not getting out is a bad idea, but it's still difficult. Seeing several friends yesterday lifted my spirits, but the effect did not last long.

I've worked through these feelings before, so I know I can be successful again.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:53 am I remember now that Marci started out in your area of the country, Transward. Several years ago, I met her at a transgender conference here.

She and I were both on the board of Ingersoll Gender Center here. I catered a couple of fund raisers for the organization at her beautiful waterfront house on Eliot Bay. (Hauling insulated cambro food containers weighing close to 80 pounds down several rickety flights of stairs from the parking on the bank above to the house below, in high heels was a genuine bitch) We went out for drinks after board meetings a few times. She is a very talented and complex person. At the same time Anne Lawrence was facilitating a couple of groups a month. Very interesting contrast in character, two trans women doctors.

Transward

You've made a number of valuable contributions to the trans community, Transward. I knew about a few, but not your work on the board of the Ingersoll Gender Center.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:53 am For the first time, I'm facing that fact that I am not happy with my GRS result. I've never been happy with the pain, but then I thought my recovery would be much further along by now. It's been nearly 17 months since my surgery. I still have no regrets about surgery; I knew there were complication risks and I'm dealing with one of them.

This is getting serious. I'm quoting myself! But only so I don't have to repeat things.

It may seem strange, but I really do not regret surgery. I do 'regret' my pain. On a certain level, I still hope that with enough time my pain will be under better control. This week it's been particularly bad, in that it's been a problem for four days in a row and the pain has been fairly awful. I just recently got used to having one to two pain-free days between days with not too bad pain. I don't know what's up.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:53 am It's healthy, I think, for me to recognize this unhappiness. It leaves me in a more realistic spot to deal with my situation. Now that I have insurance, I can see my physical therapist and add in one or two other things that may help. Physcological counseling on coping with chronic pain, at a minimum. I need to get my emotions in a better place. I'm beginning to feel down much of the time.

Part of what needs to happen is for me to adjust to the reality of my situation. All parts of my situation. The pain, being unemployed, potential issues with gaining employment. Those issues include my age. I remain hopeful that I will find a job in my field, but that may not happen. I have not yet come to terms with this, not completely anyway. This is something that has to occur before I make a stronger effort to find other work. It will take me more time to reach this point, and that's OK. For now, I feel that I'm in the process of mourning for a career that I hoped would keep me active well past normal retirement age. It may yet. I just don't have much more time to wait on it.

Danya (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:53 am A 'down' side of this is that I tend to withdraw from people. I don't want to call friends when I'm in a really low mood and I don't want to leave the house. I know not getting out is a bad idea, but it's still difficult. Seeing several friends yesterday lifted my spirits, but the effect did not last long.

I do want to withdraw into myself when I'm feeling down, but I hate feeling this way. Years ago, feeling depressed was a more familiar experience. One that I forgot about when I first started the non-standard monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) anti-depressent patch EMSAM in early 2007. It is way too high priced for me to return to it now. There are several reasons why I do not want to try an MAOI pill , although these are inexpensive. One of those reaons is potentially severe side effects from unintentionally deviating from dietary restrictions. The patch eliminated this concern.

Part of what I can control is my reaction to feeling low. I can choose to not withdraw, although this is difficult right now. Nonetheless, it is what I must do.

I can also choose to be grateful for the many good things in my life and for the many good things I've had in my life until now. And I can choose to share some of these good things through voluteering.

I have found a nearby place to volunteer, helping at a shelter for battered women and their children. The few miles of travel won't seriously dent my limited gas funds or aggravate my pain.

At first, I wasn't sure I could handle working with these families. I was concerned because of my own experience being assaulted nearly 30 years ago and subsequently dealing with PTSD. The areas I will help in, though, won't be a problem.

Whatever my pain level turns out to be this weekend, I will get out and socialize. I just have to figure out how.

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:21 am This is getting serious. I'm quoting myself! But only so I don't have to repeat things.

It may seem strange, but I really do not regret surgery. I do 'regret' my pain. On a certain level, I still hope that with enough time my pain will be under better control. This week it's been particularly bad, in that it's been a problem for four days in a row and the pain has been fairly

bad. I just recently got used to have

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:21 am one to two pain-free days between days with not too bad pain. I don't know what's up.

Part of what needs to happen is for me to adjust to the reality of my situation. All parts of my situation. The pain, being unemployed, potential issues with gaining employment. Those issues include my age. I remain hopeful that I will find a job in my field, but that may not happen. I have not yet come to terms with this, not completely anyway. This is something that has to happen before I make a stronger effort to find other work. It will take me more time to reach this point, and that's OK. For now, I feel that I'm in the process of mourning for a career that I hoped would keep me active well past normal retirement age. It may yet. I just don't have much more time to wait on it.

I do want to withdraw into myself when I'm feeling down, but I hate feeling this way. Years ago, feeling depressed was a more familiar feeling. One that I forgot about when I first started the non-standard monoamine oxidase inhibitor anti-depressent patch EMSAM in early 2007. It is way too high priced for me to return to it now. There are several reasons why I do not want to try an MAOI pill. One of those is potentially severe side effects from unintentionally deviating from dietary restrictions. The patch eliminated this concern.

Part of what I can control is my reaction to feeling low. I can choose to not withdraw, although this is difficult right now. Nonetheless, it is what I must do.

I can also choose to be grateful for the many good things in my life and for the many good things I've had in my life until now. And I can choose to share some of these good things through voluteering.

I have found a nearby place to volunteer, helping at a shelter for battered women and their children. The few miles of travel won't seriously dent my limited gas funds or aggravate my pain.

At first, I wasn't sure I could handle working with these families. I was concerned because of my own experience being assaulted nearly 30 years ago and subsequently dealing with PTSD. The areas I will help in, though, won't be a problem.

Whatever my pain level turns out to be this weekend, I will get out and socialize. I just have to figure out how.

Withdrawal. Tell me about it! I am fairly open this weekend. I can drive to Bloom or to BV. Call me.

K

kristoff wrote: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:46 am Withdrawal. Tell me about it! I am fairly open this weekend. I can drive to Bloom or to BV. Call me.

K

Hey Kristoff,

I know you understand. I'll give you a call tonight.

Hugs,

Danya

__________________________________________________ ____________________________

I feel like I'm whining too much over issues competing for solutions and resolution. This reminds me of "O Fruende, nicht diese Tone," the solo vocal lead in to the full chorus "Ode to Joy" of the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The basic message, as I hear the music, is "Friends, enough of this racket" of competing musical ideas. Which in a very cool way leads into the highly developed theme of univeral brotherhood and harmony.

For now, I'm struggling with several competing life issues. While I am in no conceivable way as competent a musician/composer as Beethoven, I can take inspiration from him. He dealt with depression and, if I remember correctly, he had thoughts of suicide as his deafness progressed. In his day, there were no effective medical treatments for depression. He had a very difficult life, yet he managed through intense willpower (and phenomenal musical genius) to continue to create some of the very finest music ever written. Despite his deafness and serious bouts of depression.

I've mentioned before that I don't give up and I'm not giving up now. My difficulties are still there and I have to somehow find my path through them. Like Beethoven, I am at times depressed and have occasional suicidal thoughts. (NOTE: this does NOT mean that I am in any way seriously contemplating suicide. No way. I do, however, hope for my current troubles to be much more manageable, and my life to be in better harmony, before yet another year goes by.) I want to get back to having fun and so on...all things I've written about elsewhere.

Less really is more, and I'm trying to keep that in mind! Maybe what I really need to accept is that I'm a drama queen??

I was able to get a Tuesday appointment with my gynecologist. It will be so nice to walk into the office with insurance coverage.

My gynecologist sent me for an MRI, last week. The results were fine, although the radiologist did include "There are postoperative changes of gender reassignment surgery." Not a surprise!

I see my physical therapist tomorrow morning. My last visit was in early June or so and at that time I was doing reasonably well. Now, however, the pain is back big time and it is somewhat different than before.

There are a number of things I'm learning from this whole experience. One important lesson: stress of any kind increases my pain because the already tight muscles tighten further. Duh! I'm looking at ways to decrease stress. One of these is changing how I react to potentially stressful situations. Driving is painful and so is sitting on a bus. I need to minimize my time commuting, so I may move much close to my new job.

Another very important lesson is to continue striving to live in the moment. I cannot change the past or know the future. By being present only in 'now,' I avoid thoughts like "this will never get better." I've incorporated some teachings of Buddhism into my thinking. For instance, there is the concept of 'the Path' or the 'Middle Way.' Enough about that, or I will write a too long post!

Although I am, at this moment, in a lot of pain I cannot know that I will always be this way. My experience tells me that this condition improves in spurts with some very good times and also pain flares. I will continue doing what I can to make my life better.

This is all I'm going to write on this thread. If I do not write anything else on the Archive, do not be concerned. I may post to other threads, as I have recently done.