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Hi everyone! having an itresting experience today. Never really thought of this at all. Im not scitsophernic but I think I am at this moment. I have worked hard on this plan to get rid of all those nagging testosterone feelings that I think destroyed my life, wrecked relationships and helped me to become a male chavenist pig! I do remember those feelings.

I was at the ultra sound place and here is what they found. My right testicle is deformed and damaged beyond help..... but there is an adequit supply of blood to allow it to heal and possibly manufacture testosterone.The left is damaged also more so then the right, but it to has some blood flow tp it, not as much as the right. So you might say so what????? Well here is the rub you might say. Im taking androcur 100 mgs a day to keep all the testosterone levels down and out of my body. If I stopped taking it would my testicles produce testosterone in adequit levels, although they might be deformed? Now why bring this up???? Well for just a moment I was wondering ....... My libido is still good and solid..., however when Misteress touches my penis there is no reaction. Hummmm .... I am wondering if I liked that reaction I once had. Not necessarily a real big hard on, but a reaction of excitement. So now the delema? Do I really want to be a Eunuch, or do I want to be a male who can function???? I really think that somewhere in the middle might be kinda good. So testosterone patches to provide that reaction might be ok periodically. So my head is spinning and for the first time I am questioning everything I worked so hard to get. I think Im nuts. I hope you dont think Im nuts. When I injected myself I was hoping that all the decissions where over, now I am finding it may be in my power to have all the joy of sexuality, and all the pain and sorrow of cascading testosterone all over me!!!! Need Opinions. Need help!! Please..... Scottie

Scottie,

It is a common human problem to want everything. Yes, I'd like to be rich, handsome, and to live forever. You want the peace of castration but still want the joys of sex. However, the reality of life is that we're always somewhere in the middle. We often have to compromize one thing for another.

Being sexual IS fun, and if you can be sexual in a "natural" way (a way in which you do not harm yourself or others) then it can be a good part of life. However, when being sexual becomes obsessive, secretive, frantic, etc. it can ruin ones life.

I know I do everything in the extreme -- I cannot be sexual without my life being consumed by it. Wasn't your sexuality a torment for you too?

You are not crazy, but you can make yourself crazy by always chasing after "the grass is always greener". Be happy with what you have coming -- peace of castration. Come to terms with the fact it may not be possible to have sexuality and peace for some people.

There is nothing wrong with experimenting with testosterone after castration -- if the sexuality gets out of control, then stop using it.

I don't think you're schizo, but you are likely highly conflicted. Your mentality is still cycling in its old patterns of sexual obsession. However, without positive physical reinforcement those feelings will fade. Be patient! It may take a few years for all the years of obsession to fade away, but it will happen.

Dear Split dick! All of your points are well taken!!!! I always like to talk about my feelings and issues when they start up in my mind. I am still on course. I think too that I am afraid of the surgery and the pain and the recovery too. So I think it is all playing on my mind. Scottie

Scottie,

Is the surgeon still willing to perform the dual castration or is he suggesting that you not do it? You have looked forward to it for so long that if he is still willing to perform the surgery, I think that you should go fo it.

Those testicles will never produce sperm and you can always take testosterone after castration if that is your desire.

Scottie,

What has just happened is that you've smacked upside the head with a hard slab of Reality. Hurts, doesn't it?

Nothing to put out the flames of a hot fantasy like a bucket of cold Reality being poured over your ... er ... head.

Try and keep in mind that you DID want this, and it'll help. You won't feel too Jekyll/Hyde-ish for long over it.

Scottie,

Listen to Splitdick. I think he is right on the money! After I had been castrated for a few years I allowed myself to be talked into taking hormones, and the results were disastrous!

Before you do anything more, you need to ask yourself, "WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?" Once you have answered that question to yout own satisfaction, then do what you have to do to achieve that end.

Above all, realize that no matter what anyone has told you or what you have experienced, castration is forever! Yes, you can take hormones and revive your sex drive if it dies with your balls, but your lifetime supply of sperm goes when your balls go.

From my personal experience, HRT is not all it's cracked up to be. Yes, you can revive your ability and your libido, but it might take a lot of fine tuning to get it right. In my case even minimal doses were too much! Again, it all boils down to what you want. Determine that, and then work from there.

The advise you all share makes alot of sence. first let me say that my testicles are totally deformed and I really think the seamen producing days are over. I had a vasectomy years ago so I know the sperm thing is and has been a done deal forever. so the question is do I want to have a libido or not?...... My libido in fact is intackt and I do want to have sex every once in a while I seem to manage that. If I take a viagra, or a uprima, or a muse.... no problem and with a new Mistress soon to be wife it's enjoyable too. My libido is still there and at thre ready! I never seem to have any problem in wanting sex, or being mildly turnned on by a pretty female or even a good looking guy! So Im not worried about that issue. Really the only thing that seems to be comming back to me over and over and over again is.... When my Mistress fondles me, sometimes but seldom there is a reaction, but most times there is not. That kinda bothers me. Not for me as much as Id like to be able to respond to her touch even if it does not lead to sex. Maybe Im overly concerned right now. When I had the Ultra sound the Doc said that he would have these testicles removed too. So now I have 3 opinions and they al say remove remove and remove. so my plan from here is to go ahead with the surgery! Afterwards I may take a small does of T to see what happens, then again I may not. I do like feeling no sexual pull to do anything at all. Sort of for the first time my body is saying take it or leave it. Im no longer obsessed with sex or keyed . I no longer am always burning with desire to screw everything in sight. So the benifits at this point far outweigh my aprehension. I also have my whole family on my side, and ready for this to happen. I think id be dumb if I didnt continue on the path, that I am on. I will keep you all posted. I am now waiting for my T levels and my estrogen levels and my psa levels. I am cutting down the adrocur to 50 mg in the morning and 50 at night. That should keep me a bit balanced and the T levels down. If you want to write again or comment I am here waiting to hear from you. One other thing. He is doing a bilateral orchiectomy. He has explained to me that he will make 2 incesions on my lower ab and bring the testicles up and out. He wants to make sure there is no cancer in any area. So the fact is I get afrid of being put to sleep, and putting kinig=fes in the hands of Doctors. I allways get a bit worked up about this stuff. Take Care , Scottie

This can be done with a spinal block. There is no need for general anesthesia.

If they let you have the spinal they will give you some analgesics to make you groggy. Most likely you would then sleep through it. When you wake up you will feel like somebody sewed your nipples to the opposite kneecap. It just feels tight. It will go away.

After the orchiectomy better cut back on the estrogen a bit unless you want to grow up (out?) to look like Marilyn Monroe...

A-1

Ever had your spine nicked????? I have! Ill never do another spinal ever again. Besides that I am part duck and I imprint too easily so sleep is the best for me. It is not heavy general but valium phosphate drip. so your in and out all at the same time. The other area relating to the prmarin. I cut it out 3 weeks ago.. I had a feeling they doc would want to read my estrogen levels and sure as hell he did. thank god I had stopped and my breasts and hormonal feelings had stopped. so now im back to the feeling like angry PMS shit again impatient and sometimes I dont know how Im feeling... just stay away!!!!! The doc wants me to ry a low dose of testosterone and after my crying jag and my depression and my anger I said Id try it. If I get to jaked up Ill quit it but I cant stand this fin depression and agitation feeling I have. So thanks for your help. Scottie

Scottie (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 03, 2002 1:02 am Ever had your spine nicked????? I have! Ill never do another spinal ever again. Besides that I am part duck and I imprint too easily so sleep is the best for me. It is not heavy general but valium phosphate drip. so your in and out all at the same time. The other area relating to the prmarin. I cut it out 3 weeks ago.. I had a feeling they doc would want to read my estrogen levels and sure as hell he did. thank god I had stopped and my breasts and hormonal feelings had stopped. so now im back to the feeling like angry PMS shit again impatient and sometimes I dont know how Im feeling... just stay away!!!!! The doc wants me to ry a low dose of testosterone and after my crying jag and my depression and my anger I said Id try it. If I get to jaked up Ill quit it but I cant stand this fin depression and agitation feeling I have. So thanks for your help. Scottie

Scottie...please...slow down...smell the flowers...EASY DOES IT. Post-surgical depression is quite common, and so is depression as your body adjusts to changing hormone levels. You must allow your body time to settle at one level or another. It takes awhile for The Eunuch calm to manifest itself, maybe a year or longer, but you will know it when you get there. But be patient, please. Slow down. Quit changing your hormone levels every couple of weeks. We all want you to have a long, comfortable, happy life. Starting now.



And if you continue to act up, we might consider siccing Antonia on you. Now you wouldn't us to go that far, would you?

Dear Andrew: Right now I am not taking anything. I weened myself gradually off the androcar and have not had any of that for 2 days now. I will be discussing testosterone with my Doc but , I don't know what his suggestions will be. I really want to wait until after the actual removal before I re-consider any hormones of any kind. The premarin was an experience and fuled sexuality even though it was directed more at my body and more at self development then anything else. It was stimulating but in a different way. I know about the testosterone, but we will see. Maybe a very small dose after surgery. Thankyou for your advise and help. Scottie

Scottie (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 03, 2002 10:28 pm Dear Andrew: Right now I am not taking anything. I weened myself gradually off the androcar and have not had any of that for 2 days now. I will be discussing testosterone with my Doc but , I don't know what his suggestions will be. I really want to wait until after the actual removal before I re-consider any hormones of any kind. The premarin was an experience and fuled sexuality even though it was directed more at my body and more at self development then anything else. It was stimulating but in a different way. I know about the testosterone, but we will see. Maybe a very small dose after surgery. Thankyou for your advise and help. Scottie

Whatever his opinion may be, your Doctor's suggestions as to HRT are just that. Suggestions. You have the right to say "no" to both estrogen and testosterone. My own suggestion wiould be to do just that, but that is just my own suggestion.

I suppose this is a good time for you to re-read what my friend Jeff had to say on the subject. He used to be Dr. Spector's assisstent.

@@@@@HORMONE REPLACEMENT

By Jeff Adams

The Pros and Cons of Hormone Replacement Therapy

The American Medical Association Encyclopedia of Medicine defines Hormone Replacement Therapy as: "The use of a synthetic or natural hormone to treat a hormone deficiency..."

The hormone Testosterone is greatly reduced in the blood of a Eunuch after castration. The remaining sex hormones in the body are produced by the adrenal glands and are only about 5% of the pre-castration level in an adult. Some Eunuchs choose Hormone Replacement Therapy after their surgery. Either the male hormone testosterone or the female hormone estrogen can be used.

Testosterone - Pros: Testosterone has the benefit of increasing the bone and muscle mass in an adult, as well as providing a strong libido. The male hormone also provides greater stamina and maintains male secondary sexual characteristics.

Testosterone - Cons: Testosterone has been linked to the advancement of bone and prostate cancer. It causes male pattern baldness and is known to increase male aggressiveness. It has been suggested that testosterone is the reason males live on average 10 to 15 years shorter lives than Women and Eunuchs.

Estrogen - Pros: Estrogen has the benefit of maintaining some libido, although diminished for an adult male. It also maintains bone mass and may prevent osteoporosis. Lower levels cause no or very little feminization of the body. Higher levels can cause moderate increase in breast size and body shape.

Estrogen - Cons: This is a female hormone being taken by a relatively male body. The changes in attitude and feeling for the non-transgendered may not be acceptable. Estrogen, however, is a far milder hormone than testosterone and causes fewer negative health effects. All HRT must be monitored (testosterone or estrogen) because they may both cause some liver damage. HRT should always be monitored by a doctor.

General HRT Pros and Cons: In general there are three camps on HRT. Transsexuals need HRT in order to modify their bodies to become female. Eunuchs are split into two. The Eunuch who wishes to maintain some or all of his sexuality would most likely use Testosterone. He would be as normal as any adult male in appearance and feeling, and subject to all male ills associated with this hormone. He may also choose to use estrogen. Again, there are few negatives to estrogen. This would stop most health problems associated with no HRT.

Finally - No HRT

Pros: If you choose not to take HRT, you will develop to varying degrees (depending on age of castration) certain features. Your skin will become softer, the hair as well. You will develop the "eunuch calm", an indescribable feeling of peace and calm.

Cons: You may gain weight (10 to 50 pounds depending upon your metabolism). You will also be at a greater risk for osteoporosis and should take regular calcium supplements for life (1,500 mg per day).

This page is presented to give some information and get people thinking. I personally advocate no HRT (but that is just my opinion for me). For more information, contact your family doctor.

Well just got my test results back from the doc. tetosterone is 14 points out of 400. My psa is .03. Then the rest of the tests looked good except.... There is a elevated level of Prolactin in my brain. 19.9 This might be from the premarin, or even the depo-provera, but Im not sure. Whit count is elevated at 11.26, but for me that doesent seem to be out of wack. Platelets are also a bit high at 520. thik that this may be due to the androcur which I stopped 3 days ago. The doc suggestted androgen gel. Take it as I want. I dont think it does much anyway and Im taking andrews advice and just giving it all a rest. The important thing is this.... If by stopping the androcur, my testosterone levels go up, then the Doc will only think it is from the gel . I didin't want him to even suspect that my testicles might be functioning. there is good blood flow to one, and about 20 percent to the other. So Im having my surgery as planned . If anyone knows about those readings please let me know. The collective wisdom here is fantastic!!!! Thanks everyone Thanks Andrew. Scottie

The post is helpful as are most all of your posts. I'm going to try the testosterone injections. A urologist will monitor my prostate. If I feel more aggressive, I'll run for public office!

I have gained a lot of weight during the past few years. Before medication, I was for most of my life trim and fit but not always.

If I stop using the medication for depression for three days, my libido begins to return. The link seems fairly clear.