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I am currently seeking counseling for occasionally putting myself at risk of hurting myself when my sex drive gets out of control. I wrote a letter in response to one of my more recent visits. I think what I have to say may be helpful to other people and give them insight into their own fixation on castration because of an excessive sex drive.

You are more than welcome to comment on anything that I say or ask me any questions that you might have. I am very open and honest about things.

Have faith and read to the end. It will all make sense. You might also like to know that I'm 26 years old.

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I was really irritated with our last session. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it seemed like you were over simplifying things and some how I wasn't articulating my thoughts. A basic premise was put forward. If I could ensure I don't reach a certain level of sexual excitement, then I could avoid doing stupid and dangerous stuff. You wanted to perform risk mitigation to help ensure this.

If it were merely that simple, I'm intelligent enough that I would have figured out how to avoid this problem a long time ago. I have tried to ensure that it doesn't happen many many times, but it has turned into a game of chess against myself. And I have a tendency at the time to change the rules and ensure the wrong side wins.

You asked me to think about anything in common that occurs before or during episodes of doing stupid and crazy stuff. I just realized something that should have been obvious. Always a few days or a week or two before stuff happens, I begin to get really frustrated and irritated by my high sex drive. By that time I am being driven crazy by always being "driven" and distracted. It feels as if nothing else is important in life, I can't get anything done at work, and I just want it to stop and go away.

The more I think about it, there are lots of times where I have been just as sexually excited and not done anything outside of the norm. There is definitely more to this problem than just reaching a certain threshold of sexual excitement. I think what unfolds, goes something like this. I begin to feel more driven and it begins to eat at me. My high sex drive is no longer fun, but becomes frustrating and irritating. It's like it won't leave me alone. Fantasies of castration become stronger because it seems like a way to control my out of control sex drive--with HRT I could choose what felt right. Ironically, these same fantasies begin to fuel an even greater level of sexual excitement. Next, with a lot of frustration and an exceptional level of sexual excitement, I have a strong tendency to seek fetishes that inflict pain or have a tinge of danger or excitement to them. The things I do are almost never premeditated and I never fantasize about them before hand. My creativity and knowledge become a disadvantage as they give way to all kinds of possibilities. It also doesn't help that usually one very exceptionally strong orgasm followed by several other orgasms in a row, seem to cool the high sex drive down for a while.

It makes me a little sad to even think that what I do may be similar to someone that cuts themselves because they are depressed. But I really wonder if they are not more related than I'd like to admit. Maybe I'm simply acting out on the frustration against myself.

One fetish in particular that I have done more of recently, is heating the testicles with gel packs for a prolonged period of time. The idea is to ensure that you don't burn yourself (but it can still happen even if you are careful), but produce a high enough temperature for a prolonged period of time that it shuts the testicles down some. The anecdotal evidence suggests that an hour and a half to two hours at around 105-108F works fairly well if repeated a few times over a couple of weeks. It sometimes works well enough to take the edge off, but I have also burned myself doing it. It also doesn't cause much of a drop in sex drive for any length of time.

As far as the real risk of doing something to permanently hurt myself or kill myself over my lifetime, I think it is fairly low. I think before coming out to my other half, the likely hood of hurting myself was around 15% and killing myself .1%. I'd like to think that now everything is no longer a secret and I'm open about everything, that has dropped to 1%, and 0% respectively.

I think the biggest thing to reduce the chances of doing anything stupid, is simply to let my other half know when things are driving me crazy and I'm really frustrated. I know it will make him sad if I do anything, and that will make it a lot harder for me to act out on my high sex drive and frustration. Out side of that I don't think there is a lot that will be effective. Avoiding certain thoughts or activities seems to have only prolonged acting out in the past. And I don't think there is any magical trigger that would cause me to act out.

I mentioned in our last session that I was surprised by how exceptionally horny I got when I started reading castration stories even while on Depo Provera. Even if I was alone, there was about 0% chance that I would have done anything stupid let alone dangerous. It would have simply ended in one great orgasm, but because it made my other half sad I didn't do anything and just let it go.

The larger over encompassing problem is what to do about the high sex drive making me frustrated. I would love it if there was something I could take to cool my sex drive down quickly for 2-3 weeks without a lot of side effects or killing it 100%, but I don't think there is currently anything that meets that criteria. Depo Provera lasts way too long and kills it 100%. And anti-depressants carry a lot of side effects, may or may not be effective, take a while to even kick in, and would only be useful if you planned on taking them all the time.

Castration with replacement of false testicles, followed by HRT is NOT acceptable either even though there are quite a few guys in similar situations that have gone this route and have been happy with the results. First off, my other half would never ever support this and would leave me. Even if this weren't the case, there are still issues I would have with this. a) I don't like shots and it would be a weekly or every other week injection. b) i would have to take blood tests every once in a while to make sure liver enzymes and red blood cell count were not up or high. b) it would cost quite a bit of money over a long period of time. c) it could change the intensity of orgasms d) it could take longer to orgasm e) it could cause depression as i might feel less of a man f) other people might see or act differently towards me g) i could seriously regret doing it.

Thus in conclusion, I am glad that I had the opportunity to try Depo Provera. It has allowed me to really analyze my problem without becoming sexually exciting and confusing the situation. It also caused me to seek outside help and get a different perspective on the issue. And I have had a vacation from being excessively driven. However, I am looking forward to getting back to "normal" and I don't feel it would be appropriate to take again.

Unless there is something I'm not aware of, the ONLY option is is to simply live and deal with the frustration that comes and goes. And my only hope is that in the next 10-15 years that my sex drive naturally declines like everyone else's drive and stops driving me crazy.

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I also have a pretty good idea I know how the fixation on castration got started. I grew up in a small rural town in the midwest in a strong large catholic family. I was gay and had a VERY hard time dealing with it. I was in denial, very mad at myself and the world, ashamed at the thoughts that I was having towards guys, and very depressed. I grew up on a farm and knew all about castration. I felt that castration was the only way out of this misery. When I would masturbate often times the thought of castrating myself would replace having sex with guys. This grew more intense and there were several times that I was out of my mind and came very close to banding or cutting them off. It was a scary time.

Amazingly, when I went off to college I finally accepted myself for who I am, stopped hating myself, and overcame the depression. I did that all by myself and now I'm glad I'm gay and wouldn't change it. However, this did not cause the fixation on castration to go away. It still survives and is fed by aggravation and frustration with what seems like an excessive sex drive.

The other thing is that the fixation on castration has always been something that has been a turn on in and of itself. I don't know if it started out that way, but it certainly is now. It has is a source of intense orgasms.

Your issues sound very similar to mine. I am not gay, however, but my life was plagued with high sexual drive/tension which would "sour" into a desire to seriously hurt my genitals. I have done very serious things, and ended up in the hospital getting my testicles repaired many times. However, a few years ago I finally asked for emergency psychiatric help and the help I did get helped immediately. Maybe my experience can help you too.

The first thing is that (if you're like me) you'll notice that you have a cycle where your high libido at first feels good, but then will ultimately take over your whole awareness, which will be a sort of "zone out" where the sexual impulses are totally distracting, every move seems sexual, you want to stick your dick in anything that moves, etc. Then, over a bit more time the feelings will "sour" and suddenly impulses to hurt your genitals will seem like a perfectly good idea and eventually escalate to acting on those impulses.

It is definitely very important to become aware of the "souring" point for your sexual buildup. AS SOON AS YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST IMPULSE TO HURT YOURSELF YOU NEED TO MASTURBATE TO ORGASM. If you are like me, after orgasm much of the impulse to hurt yourself will evaporate quickly. For me, the big issue was that I don't really like to masturbate so it was a big part of my counseling to understand that masturbation was positive if I was using it as a means to dispel my self-hurt cycle.

Secondly, my psychiatrist treated my issue as a "paraphilia". Even though I have never quite agreed that it is the same as other fetishes, the treatment has worked so I can't really complain. Specifically, he prescribed SSRI drug Celexa. Within 24 hours of first taking Celexa, I ceased to hurt myself! I went from hurting myself every day (literally the first thing I did every morning was to squeeze my testicles in a doorjam) to not being interested in hurting myself. I also had a $500/wk habit of visiting severe dominatrixes which I stopped immediately. In three years I have dramatically stopped the cycle, and have to give most of the credit to the drug Celexa. I'm not sure that an SSRI drug will work for everyone, but since your situation seems so close to mine, I hope it does.

So that's it -- get a prescription for an SSRI drug, and use masturbation (without any guilt) as a tool any time your sexual tension seems to sour.

Hope that helps! You're welcome to print this out for discussion with your psychiatrist.

P.S. Just to emphasize the seriousness of my problem which is now totally managed successfully for three years, some of the things I've done to myself (starting at age 11): tried to cut off penis with carving knife (stopped after blood loss started scaring me), hung my bodyweight by my testicles, paid dominatrixes weekly to perform severe CBT (needles, kicking, crushing, banding), used burdizzo on myself, cut my scrotum open to view one testicle, injected alcohol directly into testicles, injected female hormones directly into testicles, ended up with ruptured testicle from dominatrix stepping on my testicle with a high-heel then crushing same testicle in a door, ended up with a hydrocele from hanging by my testicles, performed self-subincision, had to get fishhook removed at hospital from inside my urethra (don't laugh!), used electro-surgery pencil to scar my penis glans, etc.

with the above, is your manhood as a whole still working?

Actually yes, I can still get a good erection and ejaculation. Because of the subincision, the ejaculation sort of dribbles, but the amount and quality of the semen is still good.

My personal belief is that testicle self-injury must be fairly common and evolution has made them quite resilient! Not only do we have two of them, but they seem to recover from most apparently serious damage. They can also withstand a much longer period without bloodflow than other body parts.

Mine are now different sizes, and on an ultrasound the sonagrapher often is perplexed by the number of small "cysts" (these are scars from injections and such). I have numerous scars but mostly superficial.

I think it is both fortunate and unfortunate that testicles are so hard to ruin. If it was easier, then most of us would have completed our obsession easily. On the other hand, for someone like myself that is not transsexual it is nice to know that I can still function as a man even after my serious self-harm.

Thanks SplitDik for your response. I'm glad that I'm not alone in having this kind of problem. I'm also exceptionally happy to hear that you found a solution to your problem--Celexa and masturbation. You sound a lot like me, except kicked up a notch or two.

As far as using orgasms to control the urge to do crazy things, it is effective in stopping the behavior. The key is actually getting to the point of orgasm before doing something stupid. Sometimes I can tell a few days in advance when things are really starting to drive me crazy. Instead of getting off more often, I have a tendency to stop completely! I have no idea why I do that. There are times in the few days that I'm not horny and have some common sense. I also know that once I start getting into the act of doing something stupid that I could end it by simply getting off real quick. But realizing that hasn't helped too much in the past.

I'm guessing that I have at least another month before the Depo Provera wears off and I'm back to normal. So I have a while to decide how I want to tackle this problem. I don't think that my sex drive "sours" quite as often as your sex drive, but it certainly happens several times a year. I might have the will power to resist the urges with the help of my other half, but I won't know for sure until time elapses and I'm put to the test.

This might sound a little crazy, but bear with me. There is a reason why I'm a little hesitant to try SSRI's. A long time ago when I was a teenager, I had a terrible time with bipolar depression and extreme hatred towards myself and the world. This primarily came from severe problems dealing with being gay. I was in constant self inflicted misery. Maybe as a coping mechanism, I tried my hardest to push all feelings deep down and out of my mind. I allowed myself to develop what felt like two personalities. One that was completely logical and rational. The other was emotional and irrational. The logical side was in control 95% of the time and I always feared what I might do if the other half came out. It was a ridiculous situation. Once I eventually got over the depression, I finally felt integrated again. However, that whole mess has left me a bit more level than most. I don't tend to get really excited, happy, or mad. I have researched the side effects of anti-depressants and a lot of people mention that they feel that the highs and lows are more evened out. I'm not for sure I would want to be any more leveled out. I think it would make me feel like a zombie. But the side effects from SSRI's are varied from person to person and I wouldn't really know until I tried them.

I have looked at Celexa in particular. From reading personal reviews of it and the side effects that people have had on it, the lowered sex drive varies not only by person but also the amount taken. How much are you currently taking? And if you have adjusted the dosage, did you notice much of a difference?

P.S. I don't have any guilt about masturbation. I did maybe initially when I was a kid, but that quickly gave way as nonsense.

I'm on 20mg Celexa per day. I have tried 40mg, but it starts to make me feel a bit "zombied" where concentration is hard. 20mg seemed to be the best balance between giving me a significant help without feeling over-medicated.

I am also younger than 26 and I am going to have my testicles removed for the same casue.

Something that will decrease the testicular function also might help you out!

Their are a few ways to decrease testicular function to keep this from happening!

SplitDik (imported) wrote: Fri May 13, 2005 3:39 pm I'm on 20mg Celexa per day. I have tried 40mg, but it starts to make me feel a bit "zombied" where concentration is hard. 20mg seemed to be the best balance between giving me a significant help without feeling over-medicated.

I haven't been posting for a long time due to not having online access but I feel compelled to comment on Celexa. I have a low testosterone level naturally and I also have had family members with breast cancer. I was on Celexa for a time and developed a cyst in my breast under my right nipple. A biopsy proved the cyst not to be cancer. My oncologost said he had seen this before with Celexa. After I went off the drug the cyst gradually went away. There are other drugs you could use and in any case ita's probably wise to do periodic breast self examinations.

Wow, very insighful thread. I've gone through much of this myself, but the extreme self inflicted stuff is mostly in the past. At my lowest point I have done things such as stick hypodermic syringes in my testicles and one time I sliced open my scrotum and pusehd my testicles out, but didn't attempt to cut them off. I can identify with the whole fixation / self harm cycle, and how sometimes we're all driven to the point of "near insanity" by our hormones and psychology.

I have a lot of sexual self hate, and this has manifested itself in two diatmetrically opposed ways: wanting to be super horny and super sexual, and acting out on sexual fantasies, and wanting to be completely asexual and fantasizing about both surgical and chemical castration.

Right now I'm not "chemically castrated" from the Depo Provera ... though it's only been a little more than two weeks I guess. I do feel "calmer" in my head, and I know progesterone has that effect on the male brain. I'm also still getting erections, not as many as before, but what scares me is sometimes when I get them I feel even more driven than before taking the Depo shots. For instance, when I tried to masturbate the other day, alll the sudden I was like an "animal in heat" and just started to observe myself -- i was strangely detached in consciousness, it was like I was looking down at some animal playing with itself. Maybe it was the increased intensity needed to make myself orgasm due to the Depo in my system -- but it was pretty wild. I assume I'm in some "transition zone" between high / normal testosterone levels and lower levels ... so the equipment and will ovbiously hasn't shut down yet.

I think what I suffer from is an imbalance between the normal conscious mind and the sexual mind -- that part of ourselves which is purely animal and lust driven. When we're ashamed of that part of ourselves, we repress it -- and resort to almost any length of mental fantasy or reality to supress it, such as chemical castration. But this animal force inevitably wins over, and if we don't watch out it willl make us do things that we might regret of that might harm us.

I'm so glad people can't read out minds when we're having sex. If they only knew how many times I fantasize I'm being castrated, or castrating them, or other similar "sick" fantasies. I experience alot of guilt over this, I always feel there is something "wrong" with me and I wonder why I can't be like "normal" people who seem to just enjoy the act of sex.

Anyways this thread has been very helpful, I feel a little clearer about the connection between my own sexual self loathing (the reasons for which are many and which I will explore in upcoming posts) and my castration fixation / fetish.

Like the other poster, I'm not sure how long I willl continue with chemical castration, I do like the calm i'm feeling, but on the other hand I do enjoy being sexual -- my dream would be to attain a balance between the two sides. And I also wish there was a way to quickly turn sexuality on or off -- but even with Androcur, it seems to take a matter of weeks, and then weeks to come back on. In any case it seems the road everyone here is travelling is towards that of self acceptance -- and if that means chemical or surgical castration, then so be it. Hopefully most of us can find it without having to go that far, but I can completely understand the impulse to be castrated, and the allure of being free of sexual frustration and complication.

My own early attempts at self-castration were inspired by guilt over homosexuality rather than as a means of controlling my sex urge. What I really mean by that is that I thought that it would be better to eradicate my sex urge entirely than lust after my own sex. However, I found it possible to control my sex urge by masturbation to orgasm, as frequently as needed. In fact, the frequency of my indulgence was limited primarily by opportunity. From age 13 to age 40 (when my prowess began to decline) I rarely masturbated less than six times per day. Others with whom I have discussed this have found three to four times a day effective for them. Masturbation has many advantages. Whatever it may lack in quality can certainly be made up in quantity. It costs nothing. It is always available, and , best of all, it is the ultimate form of safe sex. There is NO risk whatever of contracting a STD or of causing pregnancy. It is my personal opinion, based upon my own experience, that, for controlling one's libido, masturbation is greatly preferable to drugs or surgery.

Hi Bruce,

What was it that allowed you to get over the "extreme self inflicted stuff"? Is the urge to do extreme stuff still there, but you now have the will power to not go through with it? Or has something changed to diminish the urge? I sincerely wish that my inner desire to do stupid and crazy things would diminish by itself without having to resort to medication. Maybe now

guy26 (imported) wrote: Fri May 13, 2005 11:24 am with the help of my other half,

I can resist and continue to masturbate and avoid a buildup of sexual tension that leads to an out of control situation.

Don't be too concerned about the transition from a high to a lower functioning sexual level. It takes a few weeks for the body to adjust to the new levels of hormones flowing around in the blood stream. When you do get the urge to masturbate you may find that it takes longer and it is harder to reach orgasm. You may feel compelled to increase the amount of stimulation to get the same level of satisfaction. Just don't get too carried away. For me I felt an urge to bottom more for my other half because it gave me a more satisfying orgasm.

Even if you don't continue on with the Depo Provera, really use this time to stop and think about your own situation. You may find that it is much easier to critically analyze your inner thoughts and desires without provoking a sexual response and confusing the matter. Writing about it has really helped clarify my thoughts. From a little research that I have done in treating pharaphilias, they sometimes dispense Depo Provera for this exact reason. It allows them to take a break from their intense sexual activities and gain a better understanding of themselves. I know this has certainly been the case for myself. This is really the first time that I have ever tried to deal with the situation. Before when things would get out of hand, I would cover it up as quickly as possible and put it out of my mind. It was not something that I wanted to deal with. In a lot of ways I was in denial that it was even a problem.

If you do decide to continue taking Depo Provera, I really recommend going to your local general practitioner. You should watch your blood pressure and occasionally check for elevated liver enzymes. I think women get their liver enzymes checked once or twice a year. Although I could have never imagined asking for help, I had a very positive response in discussing the situation with my doctor. He was concerned about the situation and was willing to help me. Like I have mentioned in other posts, he didn't think that Depo Provera was the best thing to try first. If and when things start getting out of hand again, I'll go back and ask for help.

You should never be ashamed of your fantasies. To help ensure that you have a lasting life long sexual relationship with a partner, it is helpful to have fantasies. People who have fantasies also tend to have stronger orgasms. If the fantasies are unrealistic, dangerous, illegal, or causes harm and you begin to act out on these fantasies, then you should be concerned. I have accepted having fantasies of castration and I am not ashamed of it. I have often times wished that it would simply go away, but that is not going to happen; It is an intrinsic part of my sexual physchi.

I don't think that the psychiatric community has a good understanding on the causes or continuation of fixations on castration. I'm glad to see that some basic research is currently being done with the help of individuals on this message board. The more understanding and information gathered, the better they can serve are needs when we ask for help. I have always wondered what it was that causes some people to actually go through with castration. If it isn't done out of spontaneous compulsion, I'm sure that it is very personal and a feeling of last resort.

Yes a very interesting thread i wish that i couldent relate to everything that has been said but sadley it all comes back when i read this.My life was a living hell for most of my life and always out of controal its only thies last three years that i feel like a normal person and thats because i was just tired of being tired and i felt i had no choice but to have the surgery and get my life under controal.I was just tired of sex and fantacys controaling my life and had wound up in the emergency more then once .I hope you can find a good balance to your life so you dont have to live a life like mine WAS and thanks for shairing your story i think theirs a lot of us who can relate.

Dayhunter (imported) wrote: Sun May 15, 2005 3:16 pm I haven't been posting for a long time due to not having online access but I feel compelled to comment on Celexa. I have a low testosterone level naturally and I also have had family members with breast cancer. I was on Celexa for a time and developed a cyst in my breast under my right nipple. A biopsy proved the cyst not to be cancer. My oncologost said he had seen this before with Celexa. After I went off the drug the cyst gradually went away. There are other drugs you could use and in any case ita's probably wise to do periodic breast self examinations.

Do you mean Celexa? Or do you mean Celebrex?

I can't find any indication of Celexa causing cysts, but for Celebrex it is a known possible side effect (along with other "breast problems").

SplitDik (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 9:33 am Do you mean Celexa? Or do you mean Celebrex?

I can't find any indication of Celexa causing cysts, but for Celebrex it is a known possible side effect (along with other "breast problems").

Unfortunately, in retrospect I'm not sure if it was Celexa but that is what I remember. After reading your post I tried to check my records to see what I had taken but I have been trying to clean things up (as if that were possible) and I don't have those records. I did find "A Guide for Patients" using Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate) so that may be what I was taking. I have never taken Celebrex and I am very sure of that.

I want to make clear that I don't want anybody to stop their medication I just want to raise awareness. In my case my mother and a maternal uncle both had breast cancer causing me to be aware that men too should do periodic breast self exams. Taking hormones or antidepressants should just cause one to be aware of whats going on with your body.

guy26 (imported) wrote: Sun May 15, 2005 11:59 pm Hi Bruce,

What was it that allowed you to get over the "extreme self inflicted stuff"? Is the urge to do extreme stuff still there, but you now have the will power to not go through with it? Or has something changed to diminish the urge? I sincerely wish that my inner desire to do stupid and crazy things would diminish by itself without having to resort to medication. Maybe now

guy26 (imported) wrote: Sun May 15, 2005 11:59 pm 1115947440]
with the help of my other half,

I can resist and continue to masturbate and avoid a buildup of sexu
[/quote]
al tension that leads to an out of control situation.\.

Well, no matter how "crazy" I got, I always tried to listen to the beacon of self preservation / survival ... The craziest thing I ever did was self-surgery involving an artificial testicle. I was born with an undescended testicle (which goes back to why I had shame, embarrasment and hatred towards my sexuality ... having something as basic as a "missing testicle" when you are three years old causes great trauma, or rather, it can). After a year or so of shots, my testicle did in fact "descend" into my scrotum -- but it was always smaller than normal, and I always felt I had somehow been "ripped off" by God and not gotten the normal genitals everyone else gets. I was able to procure an articial testicle made of silicon (actually designed for dogs) and I cut my scrotum upon and inserted it. After three or so weeks my body literally rejected the implant, and pushed it out of my scrotum. The body is amazingly smart, it knows when something shouldn't be there, and it will do what is necessary. The wound healed up ok and everything went back to "normal" but I was really scared by the whole incident. I could have gotten a terrible infection or worse. And performing "self surgery" was about as close to being insane as I wish to go.

SO -- I know how powerful the conscious and subconscious urges are that drive us to acts such as castration. I suppose in my case I suffer from "bipolar castration disorder" where I simultaneously wish to have no testicles, and to have great big large ones.

I've also noticed the "bipolar" nature of my castration fetish in my fantasies. In them I am usually a physician performing castration on his young patient, or I am the patient being castrated -- but usuallly I am both at the same time, both the castrator and the castrated. My fantasy shifts between both roles, sometimes I am even the parents of the person being castrated, or a brother. And in my fantasy I am able to be all roles simultaneously. Another favorite fantasy is that I'm both the husband and the wife who have decided on castration for the husband -- and then I'm the doctor recommending the surgery, who is telling me and my wife that I'll be impotent and happy within a month or so ...

I appreciate the advice not to feel bad about my fantasies ... but I guess I feel on some level "God" is judging me while i'm having them -- who am I to wish that a part of me be destroyed, or that I destroy another man's manhood?

About two years ago I used to masturbate daily about being castrated by a doctor, then I actually contacted a doctor who would castrate me. My fantasies became more and more real, the the point where if I had the actual money I probably would have flown to go get the surgery.

So how do I control the extreme behavior? I suppose the short answer is I haven't. I've done, secretly, what many would consider quite extreme and potential harmful. But I've always tried to calculate the risk, and never did anything I felt would pose an inordinate immediate danger.

Most recently I found myself having risky sex -- innordinantly risky sex -- almost as if the castration desire has been replaced by a death wish -- I know the wish for castration and the wish for death are closely linked, they both involve the nullification of being. When I really think about what sexuality and an erection is for a man, it is very close to the core of what we are as physical beings, in that we exist in nature to procreate. The desire to have that procreative tool nullified is like wanting our existance as a man destroyed. And in my fantasies as I'm about to be castrated, I typically switch over to the role of the castrator the closer the actual act comes to happening in the fantasy -- it's a powerful male dominance urge to have everyone else around him castrated, as it boosts his own chance of procreating and of sexually dominating.

I have thought about "ways out" of my current bipolar castration fetish / fantasies. I find myself very turned on by dominant males, so I think I see myself evolving as a "sub" male who is submissive to other males. This to me is very close to castration -- by allowing yourself to be used as a sexual object for other males, you have nullified your own procreative potential and purpose. You serve merely as a sexual release for other males. One of the hottest fantasies I've had about this was that I was on an island where half the men were chemically castrated and the other half were dominant studs. And nobody wore clothes on the island, so it was completely obvoius which males where the impotent castrates and who were the studs.

That;s about all I can think to write now, more later.

These have been very interesting posts. Thanks to those who have shared their experiences with us.

My experience has been pretty tame in many ways. I'm just an ordinary gay guy. I came out in the early seventies, and my family has been cool about it. Never had much of a problem with the gay stuff myself. However, my issue has always been hypersexuality. I was sexually precocious, starting to become aroused when I was seven or eight years old. It was incredibly difficult for me, trying to get off several times weekly without getting caught. When I was in high school it wasn't too bad since by then the other guys were having the same problems. In college, getting laid was darn easy, and afterward, as a gay man in my twenties, being wildly sexual was pretty normal in the gay community. Later, however, it started to become tedious with each passing year. Now that I'm well into middle age, I find that I am still horny all the time, and that masturbation brings little relief. Sex is somewhat better, but I know as soon as I get off, I'll be looking for it again in the morning.

For a while I took Androcur which completely shut down the sex drive. I did not get erect, I had no interest in sex, and I had this relaxed feeling. I was able to get lots of things done in my real life, since I wasn't constantly trying to get off. This has convinced me that I need to have the castration done simply to make my life, especially as I age, manageable.

The fact that I have been able to meet like-minded individuals here on the Archive has made all the difference in the world. The archive has also made it possible to find resources at home and around the world where the actual procedure can happen. I am grateful for that.

In sum, I guess I'm just an ordinary guy plagued with a runaway libido, and I want my life back.

Terry in Pittsburgh

Dayhunter (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 12:03 pm Unfortunately, in retrospect I'm not sure if it was Celexa but that is what I remember. After reading your post I tried to check my records to see what I had taken but I have been trying to clean things up (as if that were possible) and I don't have those records. I did find "A Guide for Patients" using Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate) so that may be what I was taking. I have never taken Celebrex and I am very sure of that.

I want to make clear that I don't want anybody to stop their medication I just want to raise awareness. In my case my mother and a maternal uncle both had breast cancer causing me to be aware that men too should do periodic breast self exams. Taking hormones or antidepressants should just cause one to be aware of whats going on with your body.

Lexapro and Celexa are related. The patent for Celexa ran out so the company making it split the molecule and re-patented as Lexapro. Most unbiased observers think that Lexapro will work the same as Celexa, but to beware that concentration of Lexapro is effectively twice that of Celexa (i.e. 20mg Lexapro = 40mg Celexa).

Note that generic Celexa is available, and if you get prescribed Lexapro you should check to see if it would be cheaper taking generic Celexa.

Thanks for the warning though about the cysts. My family has no history of cancer (of any kind), so I think your issue may be one of those "rare" side effects. But worth knowing about.

There are some anti-depression meds out there that decrease the sex drive, and although you have your testicles, you will not want to jerk off. These drugs esp are paxil and or zoloft and or prozac. Having a fixation is nothing wrong with your head, just if your going to hurt yourself, call someone before you proceed with any plan.

Cheers

stevesd

stevesd (imported) wrote: Thu May 19, 2005 11:15 am There are some anti-depression meds out there that decrease the sex drive, and although you have your testicles, you will not want to jerk off. These drugs esp are paxil and or zoloft and or prozac. Having a fixation is nothing wrong with your head, just if your going to hurt yourself, call someone before you proceed with any plan.

Cheers

stevesd

I need to figure out whether I'm acting out and doing crazy things as a part of a bipolar mania state. There are some signs of it. For instance it tends to happen about every 3 months. If that's the case, taking anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer could make things worse. I will comment more on it when I have a better of understanding on what is going on.

This is an interesting thread that I can't recall ever seeing. I actually found it through Google and thought others would appreciate it.

I completely agree ramses. Very interesting. I hadn't read this thread before. I can relate to an awful lot of what is being said here.