EA Forums

I barely slept the night before. Today was 12/06/97 the day I was to travel to a cheap motel and meet a cutter who would remove my testicles. A friend was waiting in the room while I was in the shower shaving for the procedure. At this late stage I was still wondering if I was doing the right thing. My greatest fear was not that something could go wrong but that something would and they would transport me to the hospital where I was employed. At this stage of my life I felt a lot of shame. Shame due to my not wanting to be male. Shame because I had been a victim of abuse for most of my life. The amount of shame I would have felt being dropped off at my ER almost made me call it off. The cutter arrived, I was ready and had a good friend to watch over me and so it began.

Of course it truly began years ago. The actual idea of castration began after hearing a story about a young man who was paid to give up his testicles. I was in my early twenties and was troubled and excited by this story. Other people acted shocked by such an idea and I remember becoming quiet while they chatted. Somewhere deep inside me this made sense to me. I thought about myself and all the troubles I have had trying to have mutual relationships. I never enjoyed anyone trying to please me. I enjoyed sex as long as I was passive and I liked being passive quite a lot. I then began to think of things earlier in life that made me wonder.

My childhood memmories are mostly blocked and my sister said that is a good thing for me. I had a father who must have been a very unhappy man or at least unhappy with me. Very early on I knew I was not the son he wanted. I was uncoordinated, soft spoken and would rather read than play sports. I also enjoyed building things with my little red building bricks. When he did try to teach me sports he would call me names in front of my friends and neighbors maybe to humiliate me into being good. Another tactic of his was one time he caught me in a lie and when I finally told the truth he said now that is all you needed to do and left it at that. Later that night when I was brushing my teeth before bed he came into the bathroom and started swatting me with a broom about the room. My punishments were always surprise attacks. He also enjoyed hiding throughout the house and scaring me at every chance he had. He even began to scare me out of sound sleeps. There was no peace.

I always think back to those days and wonder if he did not realize I was different and was struggling with ways to make me a little boy instead of what he perceived me to be. In school while everyone was going through puberty I think a lot of my classmates also noticed I was different. As children can be quite cruel my abuse at school started when I was in the 7th grade. It is then that I received a girls name as my nickname. Now that I look back it is interesting that I was called that girls name more than faggot or queer. I was even nominated for prom queen and was embarrassed at the time. Today I would love to know how many votes I received. In life I am again dealing with people who know I am different and I still have not figured it out for myself.

By this time in life I had no self confidence or self esteem. Between a great sense of wrongness about myself both internally and from father and peers I was about to start my downward spiral. My first relationship was with a young man I met at school. He transferred midway through senior year. He was unpopular but good looking so I was plaesed when he would be my friend. He knew all the right things to say but in reality he was a user and as it turns out he was more interested in my brother who was 12 at the time. At this stage I did not think I could feel worse about myself.

All of a sudden this incredible young man came into my life. He was everything I was not. He was handsome, confident, popular and not a user. We had a lot of fun together and he was such a positive person and helped build my self esteem. One Saturday I called him to see if we were going out that night. His cousin was in town so we planned on getting together on Sunday. We ended up talking for an hour and a half and I told him how I felt. He said I mad him happy. When he hung up his mother told me that she asked if I was okay and he told her that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that stage of his life was over. He told her about me and after that she always introduced me as his special friend. He died that night in a car accident.

Nothing mattered anymore. I felt happiness would always be taken away. At this point it was easier not to feel. It was easier to be physical. I knew I was good at pleasing men. I began going to bookstores and cruise parks. No emotions no involvement. The need to be used grew as my sexual addiction grew. If the parks were quiet I might even hire a hustler to satisfy my growing needs. The hustlers used to tell me at my age I should be getting paid but never thought enough of myself to be one. All this was going on while I was away from home attending college. As the spiral continued downward I dropped out of school but continued to work to support my need to cruise.

By this time I did not know what direction life was taking me so I moved back to my hometown. The town of all the abuse and the great loss of an incredible young man. My behaviors did not change. You can not run away from yourself. I was out cruising for sex just like before. It was not long before I would meet someone who would take me lower than I ever thought I could go. I was always ashamed of my addiction and tried to keep it quiet. I would date for a semblance of normalcy. Life was to change forever and not for good that fall of 79. The day I picked a drunken young man up for a ride.

At first it was just for a good time. He began to get more aggressive and demanding. Of course he was satisfying my need for sex. He was treating me worse and threats and verbal abuse began. Soon with my vicitm personality I began to suffer physical abuse. Having no idea how to stop it the abuse continued. Now knowing he could get away with anything he called me to his house one night because he was depressed. I enjoy helping others and I thought maybe there was a human side to him. I went to his home and he was smiling which I thought was odd. He said it meant a lot to him that I would come over. He bent down I thought to tie his shoes and he pulled out a gun and raped me. The body tenses due to fear and I bled for three days after the rape. This was in 4/89 and he proceeded to beat and abuse me until my catration. Many nights he would hold a gun to my head and tell me tonight was my night to die.

During the sex addiction I became addicted to gay phone chat lines. I did not have a computer but I did have a telephone and it caused me financial problems because that was part of the addiction. If I was not looking for sex I was on the phone chatting about it. If I tried to have a relationship I was only finding other abusers. That explains the brand on my ass. The more I tried to break the pattern the worse it became. I was convinced I would be killed soon and no longer worried about safe sex. I began chatting about castration. Many would move on to some one else. A few shared the interest. It became an obsession and anytime I would have sex I would make a bet or some odd way to see if partners were interested. By now it was all I thought about. The phone chat lead me to find out about a cutter.

The cutter called me and told me he heard of my interest and he coud help me. Of course there would be a few things for him. He would videotape and keep my testicles and then only charge me for the local anesthesia. He told me of all his surgeries and I would be in good hands. The surgery did go well but partly because of my medical background and knowing what to insist on for technique. After the surgery when I would call and mention I was still having drainage it must have been something I had done wrong. He talked about his surgeries and that is when I found out he was not as experienced as he said he was. He also started to talk about people he wanted to castrate by force. It was then I stopped any communications.

That is my story and it does have a happy ending. I like who I am now. I am in love and I am loved. I am a member of a wonderful community. It took a long time but I am a eunuch and finally my true self. I must add that if I had not been so desperate I would never have considered a cutter. Life is too valuable to take such risks.

In preperation of my new life which I thought was going to simply be me without a sex drive I began to discard anything that was of a sexual nature. All porn, toys, naked photos of men I had taken and letters from lovers were discarded. I was ready to live as a monk. I was ready to put that part of me in the past. I still had my platonic friends and I was ready for the change.

A few weeks after surgery I began the first of many hot flashes. Those were for me the first signs of change. People would ask why I would get red faced and was obviously warm. All of a sudden taking your coat off out of doors made people wonder what was happening. At this point my nipples became sensitive and were always erect. A young man I worked with would always notice and comment. The next physical sign was in front of the mirror. I had been lifting weights and really noticed the chest deffinition I was developing. Of course what I realized next was the decrease in amount of chest hair that enabled me to see the improvement. I was not losing strength but I realized I was not gaining strength.

Along with the physical changes were the emotional changes. I was happy to be a eunuch but was so much more emotional. More to the point I was overwhelmed by emotions. If a friend did something kind to surprise me it would bring me to tears. A sad movie would bring me to tears. After years of photographing weddings I found myself crying at weddings. All these emotions and I had yet to adjust to them. Now years later they are still stronger than ever before in my life but I am no longer overwhelmed and can control them outwardly when needed.

The feeling that surprised me the most was my desire to have a child. I viewed this as the eunuch joke. I could no longer create a child but I wanted one so badly. My hormones had changed and I had become very nurturing. I took joy in the fact that so many women I knew were having children and would bring them to see me. This drive to have a child was very strong for the first four years. If I was not healing emotionally from other previously mentioned problems I might have adopted.

Along with my desire for a baby came the desire for physical affection. I knew I would never be happy just haing sex again. Touching and gentleness was what I craved. I felt like I was finally a three dimensional person again. I was aware of my feelings and needs. I could no longer hide or suppress them. I could not allow myself to just be used. The addiction was gone and the real me was left behind. I needed time to get to know me.

Yes the first few years were quite an adventure but with each year that passes I am happier with where this journey has taken me.

Tugon, thank you so so much for bearing your soul like this ::GREAT BIG HUGS::, I can only imagine what you went through - and I think you're so brave to be able to write it out.

I've heard some parts of this before, but to see the whole picture ...I just wanted to say you're so very brave to be able to write about it. And I admire you for this! I think you may have started a similar thread before The Great Crash of '06? And I'm very glad you've written this out again.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2006 7:22 am The actual idea of castration began after hearing a story about a young man who was paid to give up his testicles. I was in my early twenties and was troubled and excited by this story.

You say you were troubled and excited. It's weird, because I know exactly what you mean. I remember first seeing a (fact-based) movie about a prisoner, beaten so badly he lost his testicles. I remember this thought stopped me in my tracks. I remember being frightened and excited by the idea. Not just sexually - but emotionally. It's really hard to put into words.

It felt like a bolt of cold lightening through the heart. And it never really left me. Even when I would indulge in self-harm, I would get the same shaking coldness. It's weird.

But I wanted to offer another ::GREAT BIG HUGS:: ... You make this community what it is, and I'm so very glad you're here. (and feel very priveledged to be able to read your thoughts!)

Please keep us updated!!!

~Rog

When you leave a hospital or surgical center after a procedure you are given after care instructions and follow up visits. You are prescribed antibiotics and something for pain if you need it. You know how long to take it easy and the doctor will give you a slip if you need time off for work. If you use a cutter, as I did, you get nothing. As soon as you part company you are truly on your own. I want to share my experiences with my cutter for anyone who is desperate enough to think about using one.

When we first began to talk he was oh so willing to help. He was only concerned for me and he had the skills to help. He learned to castrate farm animals and that was his only training I found out later. He told me about all his experience and how happy everyone was. It sounded like he could help and he cared. After several lengthy conversations we agreed to a date.

As soon as the procedure was over and he had what he wanted, my testicles, the video, and the joy of castrating a man, my presence in the motel room seemed to be annoying to him. I dressed my own incision with dressings I brought with me. We spent the night in the motel room. He was resting for the long drive home. I was awake most of the night worried I might start bleeding. The next morning he left the job of gathering up the trash and used supplies to me. The room was in my name and I did not want to be questioned about what went on last night. I gathered everything up and took it to the dumpster. He then announced that I should buy him breakfast before he hit the road. Like the passive person I still was at that time I took him to McDonalds. I was never so glad to see someone get on a freeway in my life. Yes I desperately needed to be castrated but I did not know I would be so used but I guess I was using him.

The desperation kept me from thinking things through. I had not planned enough time off from work. Surgery was on a Saturday and I was back to my part time job on Tuesday and my full time job on Friday. Like so many events in my life I wanted to keep this from everyone. This meant I could not act like I had surgery. Activity had to be normal to keep my secret. I was never so glad to go to bed at night. With all the activity I had more drainage than normal and I called the cutter for information and he said I must have done something wrong. The old don't call me I'll call you.

I was having lots of drainage and my uniform pants at work were white. I learned when I was raped how to steal sanitary napkins from the supply rooms of the nursing units and now I had to help myself to gauze dressings. I was working twelve hour shifts and had to change many times to avoid any leak thru. Once again I was in the midst of health care but could not ask for care. If my secret was known could it cost me my job? Would I be sent to our behavioral health hospital? It was easier to keep working and quiet and sneak in for what I needed.

I eventually healed without infection. All that drainage probably helped keep bacteria from entering. I remeber that first time I could soak in a bathtub again. For several months I would have dreams that all of a sudden the incision would open on its own and blood would be down my legs and at my feet. In the dreams I was always at some place nice or with somone important and I was standing in a puddle of my own blood. This anxiety I think stemmed from never being sure if the surgery was performed correctly. I felt like something bad would happen to give away my secret.

Too much of my life had been secrets and I was imprisoned by secrets. My addiction needed to be a secret, my abuse needed to be a secret and my castration was the biggest secret. Secrets kept me from taking care of myself and doing things the right way.

I hope my struggles and poor choices will help someone from traveling the same path. Your physical and mental health is worth going through the proper channels. You deserve proper medical care and if you can not find it use chemical castration. I hope all the work involved in the survey and other things members are doing to educate health care providers will eliminate the need for back alley castations. Most importantly do not do as I did.

As a preface to this post I decided to talk of my life in two stages. My first 41 years I now speak of as PreEunuch and the current years as Eunuch. Never having felt like I was male calling myself intact male before my surgery was for me not correct. I think PreEunuch is a better description.

I not only had my gender confusion but it seemed I caused confusion in others. One of the things that I have experienced both as a preeunuch and eunuch for much of my life is being called ma'am. This happened when I had a full beard and mustache and was in rather good shape. It seemed to happen when people were a little distracted and they did not perceive me as male. I always wore mens' clothes and was not effeminate, unless of course I wanted to be. My point is it happened so much it became a joke among my friends and family. I even experienced it with patients who had a little dimentia. They would complement the woman who helped them. I never bothered correcting anyone because once they looked at me they would blush and say oh I mean sir. Of course I would not let my friends call me ma'am they had to call me miss. LOL

Another interesting experience was the men I seemed to attract. I could walk into a gay bar and unless I spontaneously combusted I would not be noticed. If I went to a straight bar I would attract a man. It seems I would attract the sexually confused or I somehow confused them. During my second attempt at college a straight young man started to have feelings for me. He was troubled because he knew he could not have sex with me but I was the perfect person for him if I would become a woman. Later he called to tell me he found the female equivalent of me. Several years later he saw me at the mall. He was walking with his wife and we both smiled broadly and before we spoke his wife said "oh this must be John". I was confused and causing confusion for others.

All my life people were picking up on the fact that I was very in touch with my feminine side. One of my oldest straight male friends always noticed that in personality I was very much male and female. Men always found it easy to talk with me even preeunuch. I had knowledge of men and could understand the woman's feelings. I guess I have always felt regardless of parts that I was deffinately living in the middle and glad to in some ways be part of both.

I bumped into a woman that I used to consider a friend. My first thought was how to get away so I do not have to get involved in a conversation. I noticed she was looking at me in the same way. I began to think of the changes in me and in my circle of friends.

During my days as a sex addict friends and acquaintances other than my old core group of friends were either addicts themselves or preoccupied with sex. Sex or talking about sex was the basis for many friendships including the lady I bumped into. We always shared our success and failures pursuing men. Our humor was always sexually tinged. The majority of time for me to find someone interesting they either had to be of sexual interest or as obssessed as I was. This group of friends and I were very one dimensional in our thoughts and focus.

After castration and the drop in male hormones I began to avoid these folks. I was very bored by the conversations. I thought this must be what it is like for an alcoholic after recovery and wanting to avoid his old drinking buddies. I was now interested in so many more things in life. I wanted to talk about feelings. I wanted to experience affection and maybe even fall in love. I was now as much a bore to them as they were to me.

With my new conversion I drifted away from those friends and connected more strongly with my long term friends. I have been developing new friendships based on the quality and character of the individual and not what kind of thrill they can give me. A wonderful improvement.

My dreams, since becoming a eunuch, are opening up some repressed memories. Well at least as reliable as dreams can be. With the realization of what they may mean I am better able to understand myself and the paths I have taken.

I had a dream this past Sunday night that woke me up and kept me awake the rest of the night. In the dream I was on a psychiatrists couch. I relived some of the erotic dreams I had early in puberty. The doctor asked if I thought the one dream was a repressed memory coming out as a dream. It was then that I woke up. During puberty I had the normal erotic/wet dreams but I also had a dream that I would feel profoundly guilty about when I had that dream. In those days I attributed the guilt to my realization that I was gay. Now I am not so sure.

The dream repeated itself many times. I was always in a bathroom in a home and I was giving oral sex to a man. The man was seated on the toilet and was mature. I always knew from that dream what sex was going to be like and I knew the tastes before my first experience with a peer. I never had an orgasm with this dream the way I would with the other sexual dreams. I would only have the aforementioned guilt with that dream. I was troubled by the dream but did not think about what it could mean until this most recent dream where I was asked if it could be a repressed memory.

Monday I thought a lot about what this could mean and some of my behaviors as a child. Also what part this may have played in my later addiction and precocious actions as a young teenager. Tuesday the emotions hit and I was nauseous, stomach cramps, was cold, had chills and body aches. Today a sense of peace that I understand a little more about the path of my life and as an enlightened friend told me the more I have these dreams and work through them the less power they will have over me.

Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. I can only imagine how deeply personal it must be, and being able to talk about it already shows how well you are coping. I wish I could cope with life that well!

Dreams certainly facinate me - because they usually have a root somewhere in reality. That days' or weeks' events, or just thoughts going around in the mind sometimes spill over. And it's a funny/facinating idea that you saw a psychiatrist actually in your dream, to analyse your dreams. But I guess it shows you are healing even in your sleep.

I admire you for being so strong and being able to talk about this. Thank you for sharing!

Thinking back through my life I realize there were times I wanted to be female. No I did not have that sense of being in the wrong body. For me it was more a matter of convenience. As a young boy having no interest in sports or much aggressive activities I felt out of place. Growing up at the time and place I did there was a lot of pressure to conform. I noticed that girls had a wider latitude of accepted behaviors than boys. A girl could be prissy or a tomboy and not be picked on as much as a boy who was not boyish. At least that is how I saw it back then. Of course I also thought my father might have treated me better.

Never having much success playing the role as a male these thoughts came back every now and then. I remember telling my lover when I was 19 that I thought I wanted to be a girl. He told me I made a much better looking boy than I ever would a girl. So I did not mention those feelings again. I still did not have those overwhelming desires to be female I just knew something was wrong in my life. I felt like the triangular peg that would not fit in the circular or square hole.

While away at college after the death of my lover the desires to be female came back. I think that tragic loss and how men are supposed to not show emotions or receive much support brought back the desire to be a woman. I shared this with a few friends and they were surprised but supportive. Of course even though I had the feelings I somehow knew that path was not right for me. Still not comfortable playing male I could not fully commit to being female. I would never have been strong or brave enough to be transgendered. I remember buying women's magazines and trying to get in tune with their feelings and the female experience. This did not covince me that I was female. The struggle to find myself continued.

It was when I first heard of the

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Feb 26, 2006 7:22 am young man who was paid to give up his testicles

that the light bulb flashed. I was not sure what those feelings of excitement meant but it became a seed of thought in my brain. The more I read and learned about eunuchs the more I thought that finally this is where I fit. I never had thoughts of becoming female again. Even though I thought I was the only person choosing this for myself besides of course the young man in the story I knew without a doubt I would be happiest as a eunuch. I was correct.

Tugon,

Thanks for these reflections. For eunuchs like myself who are still trying to figure out what we are, it helps to see what others are thinking.

My happiness post-castration lasted approx. 4 months. Then TG stuff, which I thought had been put to rest with other issues by castration, started to slowly emerge...Dreams where I had long hair (and liked it) or had an inverted penis (and liked it)...Checking my breasts every day for development (and being disappointed by lack thereof)...Growing distaste for Mr. Penis' appearance.

Thanks much!

Bryan thanks for your response. I can certainly relate to dreams and how they may guide us. This post will deal with my consideration of a penectomy and what I now see are the reasons I considered it.

I now view testosterone as a toxin to my mind and body. I know this is not true of everyone but it was for me. While testosterone was polluting my thoughts I felt the need to have my penis removed. Now that the pollutants have been removed I am mostly glad I kept my penis. My cutter had offered to remove it but even at that stage of life I was able to realize the greater risk that surgery presented.

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:14 am After castration and the drop in m

y T levels I began to have dreams. The dream involved me being held down and someone giving me oral sex. These dreams have been the only ones where anyone ever gave me oral sex. I was not able to enjoy it and the hyper stimulation would cause my back to arch and a sense of pain. I had the dream over two dozen times in a three year period. As the dream repeated I would realize new information. At one point I realized I was not tied down but I could not move. Another time it dawned on me that I was being held down. Being a big man I could not understand who could just hold me down. I also could not open my eyes in the dream to see who it was. Finally one morning while having this dream I realized how small my body was and the reason I did not enjoy oral sex was because I was still a child. I had tried to open my eyes and the fear of whom it might be caused me to wake up instantly.

I was so angry after that dream that I raged for two weeks. Luckily that morning I left on vacation to Quebec City so the first week I was distracted by a beautiful city. I did not know with whom to be angry so I was angry with everyone. I have only had that dream one more time and the fear keeps my eyes from opening and wakes me instantly. This dream made me understand partially why I felt the way I did about myself and why I never enjoyed a mutual sexual experience. The more I cared for someone and the more I respected them the more panic I would feel if they tried to please me. It is tough to explain why someone doing something loving causes you to cry. I was a fun date as long as it was not mutual.

I told my partner who I was getting back in touch with that I thought about having my penis removed. He was supportive but said he thought he would miss it. He began to talk about all the loving things he wanted to do for me and my panic levels rose. This panic fueled my desire for penectomy. If it is not there I do not have to worry about anything happening. Of course I could tell that he did not want me to have it done unless it was important to my happiness. I now had to consider someone elses feelings. Soon after these conversations I was having the final dreams where I understood what may have happened many years ago.

I am now at a point in my life where I want to learn how to get rid of the panic and keep my penis. I have lived 2/3 of my life and it looks like the last 3rd is going to be my best. My partner wants to teach me to enjoy pleasure. He wants for me to enjoy being pleased as much as I enjoyed pleasing him. He and I both agree that I am better off without my testicles but it looks like the penis is going to stay. I am so glad I trusted him and gave myself time to decide.

As I have stated before I am glad to be a eunuch. One of the things I have noticed about myself is a sort of floating gender identity. I was not comfortable/successful as a male but the testosterone kept my identity anchored to that of male. Reduced testosterone has allowed me to be much more than I was before.

The other day a neighbor woman's car would not start so I grabbed my case of tools and went out to fix it. She said it was nice to have a man around. I thought so to but it took me a minute to realize she meant me. After a haircut I looked in the mirror and thought the style made me look butch like a dyke. Of course it dawned on me that it was a man's cut and I present as a man. During the day I thought about my wedding to the man I love. How we would both go alone to select our tuxes for the ceremony and would surprise each other on the day with how good we would look. That night I dreamt of the wedding and this time I was being fitted for my wedding gown. Which in the dream seemed very natural.

Days when I spend a lot of time alone I do not think about being male or female. Gender does not seem to invade my thoughts. I am just very comfortable being me. Of course when I am out in society and someone says sir or relates to me as male then I find myself going back to that role. I often wonder what would happen if I could live in this world without people responding to me by a specific gender. Or maybe it is the expectations of that male gender with which I am not comfortable. I wonder how I would dress if there were no social pressures and dressing as a male was not such a habit. I do not have a female identity so I would not dress exclusively as a woman. I like the idea of kilts with underwear.

Over 8 years as a eunuch and I am happier in this state. Neither male nor female but hopefully the best of both. I think my metamorphosis to eunuch is complete.

I was trying to explain sex addiction to a friend who had never experienced any of the problems. Like most conversations you think of your best comments after the conversation is ended. I was trying to come up with a way to explain it without an incredible list of bizarre behaviors. I have this need to tell the worst about me as an early warning to others. This is what I came up with to explain my sexual addiction.

I think for most men they become sexually aroused and then have sex with a partner or masturbate. They feel relief and the feelings are reduced until they build up again. As a sexual addict there was no relief from that desire to have sex. Masturbation never reduced the pull of the addiction. Yes an orgasm would feel good but no real sense of satisfaction. The body would feel release but the mind was already thinking towards the next thrill or conquest. It was like a need that could never be satisfied. Relationships could not last because it was not enough to care about the person. I still needed the thrill of a new person or a different experience. Of course after each experience I felt emotionally empty and would feel worse about myself.

I was better when working or when my mind was occupied. Of course on a day off with time on my hands the day was spent feeding the addiction. The one thing I found that would help numb the feelings was alcohol, wine mostly. The wine would help me sleep at night or more importantly not be out prowling at night. Of course wine could not be a long term answer. As an addictive personality I could have become an alcoholic.

Since my castration I can now develop real adult relationships. I can enjoy true sexual satisfaction with one person. I can enjoy wine in moderation. I think for me eunuch calm means not being driven by addiction.

As a preeunuch sex and emotions were different unconnected things to me. It was all about the physical release. Acceptance or rejection did not change my mood. Now as a eunuch I find that the emotions are an integral part of every aspect of my life.

Of course now sex itself is different. I need the emotions with a person to want to have sex. If I am alone without the stimulation of a partner I find it difficult to maintain a mental fantasy. I rely on EA stories or magazine photos for the desired result.

Today my partner called to chat and it was not the same type of conversation we had the night before. He called me while I was visiting my mother. He likes to get me worked up at inconvenient times. Of course today I was ready for more of the same but the conversation was loving but not sexual. I still being worked up felt let down. I wanted him to express the same passion today. I was surprised how it effected my self esteem.

I am surprised I am still going through changes and still learning about myself. I guess as a eunuch I am only 8 1/2 years old. I wonder if these feelings that seem new are feelings that were blocked by the testosterone. I wonder if all the things we learn after castration others learned more gradually who were not so strongly driven by testosterone. At 50 I may finally be learning life's lessons.

I have decided to get into shape and lose some fat. My fat has been insulation and protection for me. I hope I do not miss it. That may sound strange but I would like to explain. As a recovering victim of sexual assault I did not want people to be interested in me physically/sexually. I began to gain weight as I tried to fiil a void in my life and I noticed that people were paying less attention to me. Certain callers stopped calling and I realized the combination of castration and weight gain would help me find the peace I wanted. Time not being sexual and not being approached was what I needed. I had become fearful of people and their intentions.

Of course the extra weight has been a stumbling block to my rebuilding self esteem. I am ready to feel good and feel good about myself. It would be nice to receive a compliment from a stranger instead of a stranger telling me I am fat. I have mirrors, I know the size of clothes I buy so this is of no surprise to me.

Having healed from so much I now want to be healthier and live a long life. I have someone in my life that I hope to love a long time. He tells me he would love me if I were 300 pounds. Now that I am battling 80 extra pounds and a changed metabolism due to reduced testosterone and age I have a long road ahead of me. Weight loss for me will be yet another step in the healing process that began when I became my true self a eunuch.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri May 12, 2006 2:09 am I have decided to get into shape and lose some fat. My fat has been insulation and protection for me. I hope I do not miss it....Of course the extra weight has been a stumbling block to my rebuilding self esteem. I am ready to feel good and feel good about myself. It would be nice to receive a compliment from a stranger instead of a stranger telling me I am fat. I have mirrors, I know the size of clothes I buy so this is of no surprise to me.....Having healed from so much I now want to be healthier and live a long life. I have someone in my life that I hope to love a long time.

Best of luck on your quest. Healthy is good. I'm a little uneasy myself about people cruising me, but it's luckily not too intense. It feels good even though my commitment to my partner and his to me means I won't be responding.

I really feel your pain, Tugon. I am considerably older than you, a recovering alcoholic (14 years sober) and have always had pervasive feelings of guilt and shame. I am convinced that a majority of people do, whether male or female, gay or straight, intact or castrated. I've found that forgiving others helps me tremendously, as does consciously, actively loving. I wish you the best, Tugon and hope you are finding contentment .

poppop (imported) wrote: Mon May 29, 2006 1:38 pm I really feel your pain, Tugon. I am considerably older than you, a recovering alcoholic (14 years sober) and have always had pervasive feelings of guilt and shame. I am convinced that a majority of people do, whether male or female, gay or straight, intact or castrated. I've found that forgiving others helps me tremendously, as does consciously, actively loving. I wish you the best, Tugon and hope you are finding contentment .

Thank you poppop. Congratulations on 14 years of sobriety. I can certainly share the shame and guilt with you. The shame is still a stumbling block for me. I am trying to learn not to play back every negative message I have always heard. The shame can be profound at times and I am surprised I have been able to open up here. Even when I post something for humor my first inclination is to delete it. Hitting the submit button takes a lot of courage sometimes.

I also agree with you in the fact that forgiveness can be a help. Of course I did not have a chance to forgive my father as he wanted nothing to do with me in later years. I of course have forgiven him but was never able to do it face to face. I always wanted to ask him why he wanted to be so mean to a little boy. I am unable to forgive the man that physically and sexually assaulted me for 17 1/2 years. I try to understand what might have caused him to treat me that way and understand why the shame kept me trapped in that situation. I was too ashamed to ask for help. In the five years he continued to call after I was physically free of him he made a comment that he did not understand why I let people do the things to me that I did. I reminded him that when there is a gun to your head you feel there is no choice. There was a time he wanted me to call him daddy and "suck the cock that made me". I thought that his childhood and mine might have been quite similar but I was locked in passivity and he became the abuser. He has never shown remorse so I am unable to forgive him but I do feel sorry for him. Maybe one day I will be a good enough person to forgive him. For now I still live in fear as we are both in the same small town.

Now that I have vented all of that I must say that I am finding contentment. I have some truly excellent friends. I am in a mutual, loving relationship. I am getting to know my true self. I receive positive support from yourself and other members of the EA. Being a part of this community has helped more than words can say.

tugon (imported) wrote: Tue May 30, 2006 5:15 am He has never shown remorse so I am unable to forgive him but I do feel sorry for him. Maybe one day I will be a good enough person to forgive him.

We forgive our abusers for our sakes, not for theirs (though we do not begrudge them whatever benefit they may receive from our forgiveness). Our anger and our vengefulness are afflictions on our lives. We can end those afflictions only by forgiving.

And similarly we do not become good enough to forgive. We forgive as a desperate act of self-defense, and then we discover that we have become better because we are no longer so much afflicted.

This philosophy is expounded in great detail on http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/

.

I have been thinking much about forgiveness lately. As of yet I have not been able to forgive my abuser. Partly due to my struggles to return to a somewhat normal life. He no longer knows where I live or my phone number but I do not know if I am safe. I still spend a lot of energy looking over my shoulders and always watchful of who is next to me in a car or who is behind me when I pull into my apartment complex. The last time he called was in mid 2002 and the theme of the conversation was if I was over my mood and ready to meet with him again. He said we needed to talk. Meeting him for a talk was never a good time.

For years I was told I was going to be killed and I actually stopped living for the most part. Why work to achieve anything if I was going to be dead. I just went through lifes' motions. If I went out with friends I always knew I better be home before he might call. Usually at bar closing time. It was years before I did not wake up at 2:30 AM and stare at the phone in fear it would ring. Since I lived at home and threats toward my family kept me in line I would not go on vacations. He would call at night to say he put a bomb in my car and I would always have mom wait in the house while I started it if we were going somewhere together. I became a prisoner of fear of what he might do if I was not available to him.

I was also becoming something I did not like. Before castration while he still had a hold on me I was fantasizing about how to kill him. I who had always been non violent and prided myself on that goal wanted to kill. When I began to deal with all that happened after I was away from him and after surgery I realized how dissociated I had become. I truly thought I was losing myself. I do not know how I knew this but I was concerned that if I mentally escaped one more time I would not be back. Knowing that being raped again would be disastrous I met with my sisters individually. I told them a little about what had been going on and if he tried to force me again at gunpoint I would take the gun away and shoot him. I wanted them to be able to explain to my mother why I had to kill. This peaceful man was ready to kill and I knew at the time I would feel no remorse.

I have made good progress so far but I have a long way to go. I no longer suffer from post traumatic stress the way I did. I have an exaggerated startle response that causes me to be jumpy. I flinch when the toaster pops or any sudden noise. I flinch if someone reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder. If someone comes up and hugs me too suddenly I panic. I still have memory issues. One day I will remember a peson when a friend asks but the next time I may have no recollection. I have very little memory of life during the times of the worst abuse. My partner will talk about when we first met and some of the nice things I did for him and I have to take his word for it. There is just a lot missing.

After I was away from him for a year or more I had to try to remember the things I enjoyed doing. Where did I used to go for fun. Oh I have not been to a museum for years. I had to rebuild my life and learn to live again. I could travel and see friends. It would be very easy sometimes to be a recluse but I try not to let that happen. I began to take my mother to Quebec. That way I could have a good time and not worry about her safety. I still have a long way to go but I am doing better than I ever thought I would.

I still have a few very dark days where the struggle seems too much and I wonder why he never had the balls to pull the trigger. Maybe when the dark days are over and I have healed some more then maybe I can forgive.

As a eunuch I am now realizing which parts of my brain/self were feminine and masculine. Feeling neither male nor female but when I had testosterone I thought I would react more like a man. Input from media, peers and education reinforce certain behaviors that made me as a eunuch feel even more confused. Instead of looking within myself to find the truth I believed the messages I was receiving. I think for me and many others that I was never able to follow one role completely.

In an intro to Sociology class the professor taught us the differences between men and women. In this class the genders were generalized to make the lessons less in depth. One of the points had to deal with the differences in how men and women handle criticism. Her research found that when a man is criticised for a job he did poorly he can accept that yes he did it poorly. The criticism would not affect his sense of self. She then said when a woman is criticised she takes it personally and thinks less of herself. This has been a pattern of my life when I have been criticised. I think less of myself and it is bothersome for awhile. One of the things in my life I am working on is to have a stronger sense of self so I am not so deeply affected by criticism.

Another statement I would hear had to do with abuse. Men who are abused are likely to be abusers. Women who are abused will seek out abuse. Knowing I was abused I was fearful of becoming an abuser. Realizing I was in an abusive situation I thought that I was following a feminine path. I now know that male or female if you are abused you can become either an abuser or a victim and gender may play a role but it is not cut and dry like the messages we have been given.

As a eunuch I want to work to get to know my true self. I have a lot of personal inventory to do. I have to discard the things that no longer fit in my life. I am who I am and will not worry about fitting into accepted gender behaviors. I need to look inside myself to know myself instead of relying on feedback from others. Feedback from others is needed but I can not base my sense of self entirely on what others think. I need to think well of me and learn to care about me.

One more installment in my ongoing therapy. It has been helpful to get it all out, reread it and let some of it go.

One of my ongoing struggles has been with memory. I began thinking more about memory after a thread was started regarding memory. Some memory issues have been attributed to a reduction in testosterone. I do not know how much that has affected my abilities but I feel some of the trauma I have experienced has had a greater effect. To this day I have large gaps in memories.

My impression of my problems stems from repressed memories from childhood, dissociation/compartmentalized memory and false memory. These are the names I have given them and not being trained in pshychology there may be better terminoology. These terms fit how I feel about them.

The first time I was shocked by remebering an event was about 10 days after the first time being raped at gunpoint. I dissociated during the event and the memory went somewhere for awhile. Even though I cared for myself due to the rectal bleeding the cause was not really a concious thought. I was at work and sitting alone with a nurse co-worker when I blurted out I had been raped. She was shocked by this as I was. That was the moment that the event became concious knowledge for me. I know now that the mind has many ways to protect itself from trauma.

During the abuse prior to the rape my mind seperated into two lives for a lack of a better expression. During the day I did not acknowlege that anything was wrong in my life. I would date and have relationships but could not put a finger on why I was depressed. Then at night when he would call and abuse me I was aware of this ongoing problem. I went to a therapist once and said I was depressed but had no reason for being depressed. I never complained to my friends because it was not really concious thought most of the time. After the drop in my testosterone levels my brain was not as good at keeping those events seperate for me.

As I have been healing and remembering the past I am only able to remember small bits at a time. It is like there is a safety valve and I can not remember it all at one time. Not all my memories are available to me at the same time. One morning I woke up and the memory that surfaced was all the times he would put a magazine over my face because I was so ugly. Another time I would remeber how he would make me beg. What is strange is not how the negative memories would surface periodically in small doses but how it affected memories of other events during the abuse times. My memories have linked together in odd ways. They seem to be in seperate compartments and I can not always recall someone or an event I might have talked about two days prior. Friends get frustrated with me when I know someone one day and not the next. I might bring the person up a week later and they will say I thought you could not remember them. There are times information is just gone or at least not accesible. Most of these memory errors are during the 17.5 years of abuse and my current memory is better.

My false memories are from internalizing all the negative things he has said to me. I had heard the put downs so much that I began to repeat them about myself. I would say horrible things about myself that were not true but at the time I believed it. I reached a point where I thought so little of myself that I would stop visiting friends. Oh if they only knew what I was really like they would not want me in their home. I would not stand up for myself because I was convinced I deserved any neagtive thing that happened. I have been with a number of men but he had me convinced I had serviced over a thousand. He used to tell me no male was safe around me. My partner when he met me thought I was the kindest most decent person he had ever met. He could not figure out why I would speak so badly about me.

The work I have been doing for myself is a personal inventory to sort out truth from fiction. Yes some of my behaviors have not been good but no where as bad as I was made to think. I listen for feedback from good people. I am asking friends about events during those years to try and establish a time line for memories. I am hoping once I can reconstruct those years I will be able to remember more clearly all the good things that have happened. With the gaps in memories I have lost the good with the bad and I want to reclaim the good.

This is a duplicate post that I also wanted to post in Desperate to be a Eunuch.

Sex Addiction Future

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of my deciding points for castration was based on my sex addiction future. I want to first say I have never been attracted to children. The occasional 17 or 18 year old boy but no children. I was always surprised when I would read of elderly grandfathers and uncles that would molest children at an age when you would think that the sex drive would be over. I looked forward to old age and the loss of drive before I found a way to be castrated. So I was surprised that these men were not only active but abusing children.

I began to look at myself and wonder if my addiction goes unchecked what will I be like in my 70's and 80's. As I have mentioned before when I have talked about addiction the drive to greater thrills and bigger risks was getting out of hand. I began to wonder how I would feed the addiction as I aged. Would I one day turn to children to fuel my desires. At the time I could not imagine it but in the same breath I could not imagine some of the other things I was doing.

I do not know how far I might have gone down that path. I do not know if those elder men were pedophiles all along and lost their self control. Castration was important to me because I did not want to find out where I would end up as a 70 year old addict.

__________________

I will have been a eunuch for 9 years this December and I rarely think of the old me. I am very comfortable with my emotions, desires and my new values. I am truly myself. I remember my behaviors but not the feelings and desires that drove me to do the things I did. I am in control.

As time passes I also have trouble sharing with new eunuchs or men planning to be eunuchs. I have a difficult time seperating emotions from abuse with emotions of becoming a eunuch. I was becoming a eunuch as I was escaping from an ugly barely human being. I have not had physical abuse since my surgery so it was a doubly happy time. Also life is better not spending time dwelling on the past.

Of course I have many to thank for helping me to this point. My close friends who watched me struggle with a life that did not fit and over looked a lot of suspect behaviors with compassion and love. A few lovers that were kind. I also must thank my Love, best friend and soul mate. He has ridden my emotional rollercoaster without complaint and offered great insight. We are entering into the straight calm path where we can truly enjoy each other and grow together. Of course all that have shared on the EA have been very important to my new found peace and happiness. Many of you have validated my emotions and made me realize I was on the right path. I have made some excellent friends that are very dear to me. Thanks to those who make the EA a safe place to learn and grow.

Thanks to all who helped me become a eunuch no longer desperate.

The last installment.

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Sep 01, 2006 2:51 am I will have been a eunuch for 9 years this December and I rarely think of the old me. I am very comfortable with my emotions, desires and my new values. I am truly myself. I remember my behaviors but not the feelings and desires that drove me to do the things I did. I am in control.

As time passes I also have trouble sharing with new eunuchs or men planning to be eunuchs. I have a difficult time seperating emotions from abuse with emotions of becoming a eunuch. I was becoming a eunuch as I was escaping from an ugly barely human being. I have not had physical abuse since my surgery so it was a doubly happy time. Also life is better not spending time dwelling on the past.

Of course I have many to thank for helping me to this point. My close friends who watched me struggle with a life that did not fit and over looked a lot of suspect behaviors with compassion and love. A few lovers that were kind. I also must thank my Love, best friend and soul mate. He has ridden my emotional rollercoaster without complaint and offered great insight. We are entering into the straight calm path where we can truly enjoy each other and grow together. Of course all that have shared on the EA have been very important to my new found peace and happiness. Many of you have validated my emotions and made me realize I was on the right path. I have made some excellent friends that are very dear to me. Thanks to those who make the EA a safe place to learn and grow.

Thanks to all who helped me become a eunuch no longer desperate.

Wow!! Truly from the heart. It sounds like you have achieved inner peace. Congratulations. However, I'm not sure that I understand what you are trying to convey with the following sentence:

tugon (imported) wrote: Fri Sep 01, 2006 2:51 am As time passes I also have trouble sharing with new eunuchs or men planning to be eunuchs.

At some point in the future I hope that we have an opportunity to meet and talk in person. I feel like there are some parallels in our paths, but that you are eight or so years ahead of me.

BB