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I've been very open telling people who I am as a transgendered person. Today at lunch, I almost overdid it. A fellow student at a software training class and I were having a great conversation over lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I was feeling very tempted to tell W (not THAT W) who I am, that is, let him know my transgender identity.

There would have been no purpose served in telling him. I suspect I'm still dealing with some hypomania problems. I was feeling a little too excited at the thought of telling him my news.

Over the last several months, I've come out of the transgender closet to quite a few people at work and friends outside work. I always make it clear that being transgendered does not mean I'm male to female. I almost always talk about feeling not male. Knowing how people often don't want to deal with the facts put in front of them, I sometimes wonder how many then make the logical connection of 'not male' with eunuch. For the people that I'm closest to, both at work and away from the office, I've made the facts clear so they know I mean eunuch.

I've wanted to tell my immediate family about my transgender ID. My niece already knows. I told her on a trip to the Dallas area in early November. That wasn't a good time to also tell her brother and parents. It was a celebration weekend. My nephew was becoming an Eagle scout. My niece couldn't care less about the Eagle scout business, so I knew telling her wouldn't take away from the weekend. Telling the rest of the Dallas-area relatives would have.

She took the news very well, as I knew she would. She and I have a lot in common in our basic outlook on people and in our sensitivities. She told me her mother would pretty quickly be OK with the news but it would take my brother a little longer. She thought up to a week:)

From my experience with them when I came out as gay, however, I think it likely that her parents' adaptation times will be reversed. I know they'll be OK with it before long.

I'm not quite as sure with my nephew, although I suspect he'll be OK after some time to think about it.

Then there's my religiously conservative California brother. He had some trouble dealing with my coming out as gay. He's gotten gotten beyond that to the extent that we know we still love each other. Perhaps it won't take him quite as long with my transgender identity.

I want to tell them soon. The problem is, my preferred method would be to speak to them in person. It will be months before I'm in Texas again. I'll probably visit my middle brother in early May.

None of my family (except me! ) likes to talk on the phone. I find this incomprehensible but I accept it.

I'll likely send an email. Before I send anything, I want to think carefully about the best way to write the message. It probably needs to be fairly short (if you're reading this, you know this may be a challenge for me! - I can do it if I work at it ). I might wait for them to respond once they're comfortable with the idea. OTOH, I wonder if I should let them know that I'll call them in perhaps a week to answer questions or discuss concerns.

This is the most difficult part of my transition so far. I want to be sensitive about their feelings. This will be big news to them. There's no point in waiting longer to tell them, though, as nothing is going to change. I can't imagine that they will reject me. They never have. That thought's still in the back of my mind, though.

I don't want to visit them again before letting them know. I can't pretend in front of anyone important to me.

To top it off, I also need to let them know I've been diagnosed as Bipolar-II (hypomania instead of mania). This is a potentially dangerous condition. It might run in the family.

Then there's the added news of my recent diagnosis of osteoporosis and extremely low vitamin D level. Problems with vitamin D metabolism might also run in the family and they deserve to know this.

Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed by all this. That bothers me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, how are they going to feel?

You must keep in mind that even though you are concerned about THEIR feelings, yours are paramount to the issue. Chips then may fall wherever when you tell them in the manner you choose. Follow your comfort level with your good sense, lay it out carefully for maximal understanding, yet brevity, and let them have it. Most likely, I would suspect, they may make the subconscious connection you suggested about assuming M2F, and assume this is a stopping point along the way. Let them have their comfort zone for the time being, then time will bring clarity.

That seems to be the method I see many follow, and have myself with being gay, being a eunuch, and being a nut case.

Good wishes and good luck.

Kristoff,

Your advice makes a lot of sense and I really appreciate it.

kristoff's advice is very good indeed.

I have only told two family members myself. My son, that was a lot more difficult for me than him. He's 17 and one of those "open minded" young people we are (thankfully) seeing more of today. He just paused and said wow! Then, without missing a beat said "I love you Dad." And we continue as before, nothing different in our relationship. I also told an open minded cousin and he is very understanding as well. Now for the immediate family (Mum and the siblings) I have not even a clue when I might tell them, if I tell them at all.

Good luck.

Kristoff has good suggestions. You may be thinking about giving them too much information at one time. Maybe you should go with the transgender information first and leave the bi-polar/osteo/ vitamin revelations for later. Let them absorb the most important first. --FLO--

Uncle Flo (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2008 11:23 pm Kristoff has good suggestions. You may be thinking about giving them too much information at one time. Maybe you should go with the transgender information first and leave the bi-polar/osteo/ vitamin revelations for later. Let them absorb the most important first. --FLO--

Good notion.

When I told mine, I just dropped it on the way out the door. Mom called me later and we had a good chat. When I told em I was nuts, they just said we already knew that - no big deal. (BTW, I am also BiPolar-I)

Maybe I should use that line "I'm a nut with no nuts"! lol

I've just made a few offhand comments every once in a while, to sort of soften the shock for when the changes take place. It has been interesting to see their reaction. I think they see me as pulling their leg, so to speak. Although one of my best friends does have a transgendered daughter who wants to become a boy.

Go figure.

Well i suffer from Chronic Depression...at this point in my life I just assume that everyone knows i am gay, and if they have a problem with it I will be glad to help them through it...but it is not my problem.

Also, you can never predicate what another person will say or do so why try?

We are all creations of Father God and Mother God, and they send us off the school/earth to learn. Then when we graduate/die we go back and tell them what we learned. How can anyone learn if we do not screw things up?

I'm the last one here to give this kind of advice. The only person I've come out to is my wife. I haven't told my childern or my non-gay friends. Oh, all my friends are gay, well. I do think bomb shells are not good. They put people in coners, not a good idea. However, you do it, do it so people have time to mull it over and don't need to react on the spot. That's my two cents.

Gary

I would just like to add to my above advice...that if you are not ready to come out then do not! However, Do not make it hard on those that are out by doing things like putting down gay rights, etc....

Everyone comes out in there own time and place. I have been out for at least 15 years, so for me it is easier to think you know.

I would also like to add that most people know more then they really want to admit. A good example is my father told me once that he always knew i was gay, but did not want to admit it to himself. He even said, his father realized it to which is why he was so hard on you. A few years ago on a city bus a mother and son got on the bus (he was perhaps 8 to 10 yrs old) and I knew he would grow up gay. I wanted to tell him it was ok to be that way, but knew better.

I'm going to recommend being pretty cautious about telling people these things. I have to admit that one thing I've always been concerned about is the fact that you are so open with these issues (to people in real-life, not here on the boards - that I see no problem with). It is wonderful that you can be so open, but the unfortunate reality is that these issues are not considered something you tell just anyone, and they are not accepted and approved of by the majority of the general public.

As far as being gay is concerned, that I think has gained quite a bit more acceptance, and most people won't have any major problems with it. But being transgender is still not accepted by most people, even many who will accept that someone is gay.

Telling the fellow student would definitely have served no beneficial purpose as you have stated, and you were likely wise to not have said anything. As far as co-workers and friends go, I would only tell the closest of these who you feel really need to know. Telling casual aquaintances would probably be considered inappropriate.

Back when I believed I was transgender, I told a few people who I now regret telling. I now realize I was overly excited about my new identity and shared it inappropriately with people who didn't really need to know. Some of those people I no longer have contact with, but others I still do, and what I once thought I was makes things awkward in those relationships (at least for me).

I've also told most of my immediately family about my eunuch status and belief that I was transgender. Most of them did not approve. None really did approve, it's just that some were more tolerant than others. My relationship with my brother (who sounds a lot like yours) was probably forever destroyed by telling him. The only one who really doesn't know is my father, and what he can't figure out on his own he doesn't need to know.

It is nice to hear these stories about telling family members and having them respond with "I love you, Dad", but it is important to remember that these stories are one case. Just because those family members responded that way does not mean yours will too. Unfortunately just because someone is family does not mean they accept you as such no matter who you are. As many stories as I have heard of family members responding with love and compassion, I have heard many more of family members responding with hate and rejection.

Telling someone you are transgender (including a eunuch) is very, very different from telling them you are gay. Remember this.

plix (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2008 2:27 pm I'm going to recommend being pretty cautious about telling people these things. I have to admit that one thing I've always been concerned about is the fact that you are so open with these issues (to people in real-life, not here on the boards - that I see no problem with). It is wonderful that you can be so open, but the unfortunate reality is that these issues are not considered something you tell just anyone, and they are not accepted and approved of by the majority of the general public.

As far as being gay is concerned, that I think has gained quite a bit more acceptance, and most people won't have any major problems with it. But being transgender is still not accepted by most people, even many who will accept that someone is gay.

Telling the fellow student would definitely have served no beneficial purpose as you have stated, and you were likely wise to not have said anything. As far as co-workers and friends go, I would only tell the closest of these who you feel really need to know. Telling casual aquaintances would probably be considered inappropriate.

Back when I believed I was transgender, I told a few people who I now regret telling. I now realize I was overly excited about my new identity and shared it inappropriately with people who didn't really need to know. Some of those people I no longer have contact with, but others I still do, and what I once thought I was makes things awkward in those relationships (at least for me).

I've also told most of my immediately family about my eunuch status and belief that I was transgender. Most of them did not approve. None really did approve, it's just that some were more tolerant than others. My relationship with my brother (who sounds a lot like yours) was probably forever destroyed by telling him. The only one who really doesn't know is my father, and what he can't figure out on his own he doesn't need to know.

It is nice to hear these stories about telling family members and having them respond with "I love you, Dad", but it is important to remember that these stories are one case. Just because those family members responded that way does not mean yours will too. Unfortunately just because someone is family does not mean they accept you as such no matter who you are. As many stories as I have heard of family members responding with love and compassion, I have heard many more of family members responding with hate and rejection.

Telling someone you are transgender (including a eunuch) is very, very different from telling them you are gay. Remember this.

Wise and tempered words, Josh. Thank you!

I will comment on everyone's input later today or tomorrow night. I'm still recovering from exhaustion, partly from staying up way too late many nights posting on EA.

I just want to comment briefly that I haven't told anyone who I consider no more than an acquaintance. Yes, I almost slipped up with the fellow student. He was mentioning he was divorced and I was all set to respond with 'well, I'm transgender'. Not quite the same level of disclosure there, with society's views on things. I realized I was experiencing hypomania and was somehow still able to keep my mouth closed.

IbPervert, I've never put down any minority group since I was a young child and realized I was different. Your comment is a good one, though, and I know many gay people, for instance, who are not out will put down other gays as a way of trying to show they are not part of that group.

I'm already writing more than I have time for now . I just want to say I very much appreciate everyone's comments, suggestions and concerns.

I feel that this kind of information ie your a eunch, should be on a need to know bases, your partner/lover and very close friends etc. Now you sexual origination is a different kind of thing. The information can be miss used so if you don't trust them with your life, they don't need to know.

I think the only people that I know who don't know are my sisters, and that's just because they both live far away.

I've become so much more confident with myself I really am not too worried about people's reactions. Maybe I should be? I don't know... I love living fairly transparently.

My family and friends, and surprisingly, even my girlfriends family and friends, all seem to be supportive and I have yet to see any negative reactions (except from doctors -- they don't count. ).

I think maybe everyone knows me can see how I've went from totally withdrawn, suicidally depressed, and despondent 3 years ago to the fun-loving, smiley, happy, playful, enthusiastic person that I've once again become (I used to be like that as a kid before life beat me down a large bit); and that seeing that it makes them, maybe, more readily to accept the changes in my self because I am so obviously happy.. ? Something like that, I think.

--

Also, you've chosen Dannie? I like it.

As I told me Daughter about her personal issues. You can never Un-tell a secret. If someone has a need to know? Ok. If not? Why burden them with your private issues?

I had to really ponder what was said about trans-gendered folks and people who are gay or lesbian. We had a pitched battle at the Church we used to go to over this. My feeling was it was very hard for me to see Jesus saying "Fuck you - your gay!" That didn't go over really well with those who were "perfect" already. SIGH.....

I always had this impression that most of the hate was from people who thought being gay was the decision by someone to "act" this way on purpose to make trouble etc. Then as more people learned that being Gay wasn't a choice to be different. And that calmed down some of the crazies. I think Hairless joked once that G.I.D. did NOT stand for "Glad I'm Different."

I admit it surprises me that most of you think that trans-gendered people are viewed much worse then homosexual people? Or am I reading that wrong? I would think its the same or maybe less having seen Pat Robertson (The 700 club guy) say that he was a-ok with transexuals. Believe it or not!

Maybe having mixed up hormones and being a male 2 MALE transexual helps my understand of them better? Or at least having more empathy for this problem.

From what I've been reading lately, even many gay people have an unfriendly view of transgendered people. 'The Advocate', a periodical for the GLBT community, recently ran an article on trans folks and some of the difficulties they face. The letters this generated really surprised me. One gay man said that being trans was 'a choice', for instance. Another reader wrote that transgender people didn't need to be in the fight for equal rights because they could get married. Never mind that they are discriminated against just like the rest of the GLBT community.

I appreciate your empathy, Mr. T

I feel very grateful for all of the thoughtful responses on this thread. There are many caring people on the Archive and that has been made very clear to me, again, by the time and effort taken by all of you to respond. I'm feeling blown away by it all.

It's a little unusual for me, here on the Archive, to hold off on immediately replying to posts. That's exactly what I'm doing now, though, and it's because you've all given me reasons to stop and think. Some of you have written of your own experiences, as eunuchs, with family and friends. Others, interested bystanders , have also provided insights.

Once I've put my thoughts together, I'll let you know what I conclude is the best path for me.

-kirit

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:16 am From what I've been reading lately, even many gay people have an unfriendly view of transgendered people. 'The Advocate', a periodical for the GLBT community, recently ran an article on trans folks and some of the difficulties they face. The letters this generated really surprised me. One gay man said that being trans was 'a choice', for instance. Another reader wrote that transgender people didn't need to be in the fight for equal rights because they could get married. Never mind that they are discriminated against just like the rest of the GLBT community.

I appreciate your empathy, Mr. T

-sasha aka todd

Well, if they are not welcome, why the damned T in GLBT? And while we're at it, why the damned bisexuals, too? What have they got to do with it for crying out loud? And whoever invited those damned dykes and faggots to the party, huh? Next thing you know "they'll" be wanting it to be GLBTE. Sheesh.

IbPervert (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 23, 2008 3:58 am Well i suffer from Chronic Depression...at this point in my life I just assume that everyone knows i am gay, and if they have a problem with it I will be glad to help them through it...but it is not my problem.

Also, you can never predicate what another person will say or do so why try?

We are all creations of Father God and Mother God, and they send us off the school/earth to learn. Then when we graduate/die we go back and tell them what we learned. How can anyone learn if we do not screw things up?

I have the same chronic depression feeling. I am really a gay guy who anted to be part of the mainstream and has worked very hard to be seen as straight even to marrying and having children. I have never come out and probably never will, almost certainly not while my wife is alive. The chronic depression feeling is very familiar. Had I had access when younger to the EA and the guys and discussions on it I might have done a lot of things differently but now after 30+ years of not very comfortable marriage and three children I think it is too late and would be too traumatic to jump out into the open at this stage. I just continue on hiding my true identity and the only place I can be myself to any degree is on this Archive. I feel very much at home here and love you all.

I'm sorry Francis, living as someone your not sucks. I must tell you that I felt the same way you do and then after almost dying from kidney cancer I came out to my wife, even though life was ruff for a few weeks or a couple months even we worked it out. Now I'm real cool with being gay and I'm starting to work though my gender problems with her help.

I'm not saying you should do as I did, just saying it's an option.

Gary

I still am kind of surprised at how common gender identity issues are. I remember when I was a kid the only place I knew of that stuff was from the three-ring circus-like talk shows (I hate you Geraldo; Ricki Lake, I will have your love-child). Even in my teens I felt alone with that. lol... not feeling alone is certainly a wonderful feeling.

Once again, thanks to everyone who responded to my initial post. I've thought about your input and, although you may not recognize it, it has affected my conclusions. I'm adding my thoughts on being open with others as this was introduced into the thread.

Later on, I'll give details on why I reached these conclusions. Those will include my response to concerns about being open with family and others.

In brief I've decided that:

1. I will tell my family that I'm dealing with transgender 'issues'. I may make this a less charged statement, for now, by restating it as working through some gender issues. I will give some minimal details relating to how happy I've been (for an extended period, anyway) for the first time in my life, etc. I may add additional information at a later date. I will not discuss male to 'not male' for the time being.

2. I'll hold off on letting them know about the osteoporosis, severe vitamin D deficincy and bipolar II diagnoses for at least a week.

3. I will not stop being open about who I am with people who know me reasonably well, and perhaps even some others that I know to be open to diversity in gender and sexual expression. This is crucial to my sense of well-being. My gender therapist has always agreed with me on this.

-danya

Kristoff,

Part of the debate going on now within some parts of the GLBT community is over whether 'T' should indeed be included in GLBT. There's also a political debate on whether transgender rights should be included in anti-discrimination legislation for the GLB's. The thought is, there's a better chance of the bill passing if the T folks are left out. They can be added at some later date in the indefinite future.

-danya

Danya (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:55 pm Kristoff,

Part of the debate going on now within some parts of the GLBT community is over whether 'T' should indeed be included in GLBT. There's also a political debate on whether transgender rights should be included in anti-discrimination legislation for the GLB's. The thought is, there's a better chance of the bill passing if the T folks are left out. They can be added at some later date in the indefinite future.

-danya

aka todd

I think the legislative component is a cop out. The debate over Trans inclusion in GLBT has been going on since the late 70s and early 80s. It is nothing but queers discriminating against their friends.