Becoming the person that I am

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Saturday February 13 (T+12 days)

The sutures are beginning to dissolve; the right side actually is starting to look much more reasonable though the whole process should still continue over the next week. The left side is about 2 days behind, and the fluid nut is still pretty large. I'm also getting these occasional moments when I move or sit a certain way, where the internal cord remnants on that side seem to get pinched or stuck. In that case it feels like I still have a painful left nut that experiences a sharp jolt as if it were kicked. But 99% of the time things are fairly good, and my overall sense of well-being is where it was before the surgery. As things continue to heal I expect things to be much better than they were before the surgery. I'm increasingly convinced that there was something with my balls and cords that caused them to send out low-level pain or stress signals throughout the history of their existence. It actually feels physically better without them.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

July 1991

I get into the shower, look down, and discover my first pubic hair. UGH. I had known that puberty was inevitable but now I knew that it was happening. I'd seen it coming when some of the slightly older boys had developed armpit hair but it was still not fun. It was like opening the fridge and finding some month-old leftovers which had grown hair on them. I couldn't help but to look and be curious, but at the same time it was kind of gross.

Within a couple of years I had doubled in size in just about every way. OK, EVERY way. I was completely of two minds about this. On one hand, I didn't want to go through puberty, develop these big unwieldy bits, have to shave, and all of that. I liked myself just the way I was.

On the other hand, the rest of me doubled in size too, and this was good. I got beaten up a whole lot less; my voice became somewhat more serious-sounding and masculine; and the energy and drive that we associate with testosterone kicked in. And thus I became dependent on the stuff. But I was definitely of two minds about this.

I hear anecdotal stories of guys who were able to stop puberty in its tracks, and I feel a mixture of intense jealousy and intense admiration. In 1991 we didn't have the Internet yet and I could never found my way to another country to have work done. I've never talked with anyone who's actually done this personally, since these guys are understandably pretty private. I would have definitely wanted to go through with androgen blockers and castration at a young age were that option available to me, though I would have had to do an end-run around my parents. That said, there is the masculine side to me which I've now come to accept and take ownership of...and this can be pretty fun too some of the time. I've come to accept being a man, though I can still be a man the way I want to be.

Since I went fully through puberty I'm basically dependent on testosterone or something testosterone-like for the rest of my life. Six months without testosterone drained me of energy, and when winter hit I just couldn't function, so I had to go on T. Definitely if there were standards to treat young boys who wanted to be eunuchs, I would have wanted to do this. The problem would have been to get my parents on board. They were STILL operating under the idea that I'd give them grandkids somehow when I told them about my recent adventure (the accident version of my story, not the real version).

I'd be lying if I said that I fully like the results of having gone through puberty, but that's something I'll have to accept and make the best of.

[halfcock (imported)]

gratuliere zum neuen zustand und befinden!!!:)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Danke.

Nothing much to report at T+16 days; these dissolvable sutures dissolve SLOWLY but I've gone to not wearing a bandage on the right incision and wearing half of one on the left. Just can't wait for the stupid things to go away; t

he left side is about 2 days behind

the right side in terms of healing.

I'll take up the gay marriage thing on another thread at another time, I promise. This time it will be the 31 year old me, not the 7 year old me, speaking.

[hkeunuch (imported)]

Thanks for sharing your very fascinating experience and feelings. I can sure find much that resonate with my own inner feelings. Hope you heal quickly.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

February 19

Day T+18

Nothing much to report. I've taken to not wearing any bandages anymore, though these sutures are still hanging on. The swelling is still there on the LHS of the scrotum.

I'll be making a post over in another part of the EA about my experience with the gay thing.

[JesusA]

I'll be making a post over in another part of the EA about my experience with the gay thing.

So that readers won't need to search for your new thread, it can be found at

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=17503

A gay faq (or is it a gay fag?)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

So that readers won't need to search for your new thread, it can be found at

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=17503

A gay faq (or is it a gay fag?)

Thanks as usual; you were a half step ahead of me on cross-linking. Please direct all criticisms of the seven-year-old me (plus any shrimp recipes you might have) over to there. I did some with garlic butter, paprika, and oregano last night. mmmmmmmm ("But what will the children think?")

A few thoughts on hormones. I go in for my next shot in a couple of days.

For the first six months of having dead nuts, my T levels were pretty low. I went through all of the major symptoms just about immediately, and my T levels were low within a month after having destroyed the things.

Mentally I loved it. For the first time ever in my life I felt like I was MYSELF. Even giving presentations or interviews, I was much more relaxed and mellow (whereas usually I'm trying to contain a lot of nervous energy). NOTHING could bother me either; I was 5 minutes late for everything. And in my case, sexually, it was great too. Just amazing.

Physically I hated it. The biology of the situation is as follows: Testosterone is a major metabolic and recovery hormone. Knock out its production and metabolism tanks. Not only that, but red blood cell production and muscle regeneration also tank. I gained 10-15 lbs, lost muscle, and became the world's biggest chocoholic since all that my body 'knew', there was something wrong with my endocrine system. (As my dad said, 'You and your mom both.') And I'd get winded just on the trip to the gym; actually accomplishing much there was out of the question. When the winter came, my energy levels dropped below a level that I could tolerate.

I'd say I loved low T 90% of the time and really hated it 10% of the time. I knew that the 10% could cause long-term problems, so after much fighting with the system (well, the f***ing attitude of doctors here peppered with statistical illiteracy), I was able to get on T in November. It took about 2-3 mo to get back to a rough equilibrium but my energy levels are pretty good again.

And I've got to admit, my boyfriend does love the 'sparkle' that I get when my boyish nervous energy kicks in.

So, I'm torn. There might be something more exotic out there that combines a good mixture of what I'm looking for (calm & happy but physically in better shape). Having gone through puberty some 19 years ago, my body is dependent on something testosterone-like. That probably won't ever change.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

T+20 days. I swear we should space these T shots closer together; I had my biggest hot flash EVER last night (and I had some gnarly ones last summer). I had to change out of my pajamas into something new. My next shot is tomorrow so I'll insist on seeing what my levels are right now but they just feel low.

These sutures are also bugging the heck out of me. In theory they're dissolvable but they're not doing much dissolving, just pulling and tearing and scabbing over but not quite (like the ingrown hairs from hell). The swelling from 3 weeks ago is still there on the left too, but that I know will take a while to go down.

Other than that, slow day, laundry and cooking and some cleaning. Phun.

[kristoff]

T+20 days. I swear we should space these T shots closer together; I had my biggest hot flash EVER last night (and I had some gnarly ones last summer). I had to change out of my pajamas into something new. My next shot is tomorrow so I'll insist on seeing what my levels are right now but they just feel low.

These sutures are also bugging the heck out of me. In theory they're dissolvable but they're not doing much dissolving, just pulling and tearing and scabbing over but not quite (like the ingrown hairs from hell). The swelling from 3 weeks ago is still there on the left too, but that I know will take a while to go down.

Other than that, slow day, laundry and cooking and some cleaning. Phun.

If the wound is well closed why not pull the sutures? How often are you injecting?

[graylayer02 (imported)]

If the wound is well closed why not pull the sutures? How often are you injecting?

I'm going to ask my GP to do that tomorrow morning as I get the injection because these things keep slicing at me. Otherwise, if I have to do this myself, how do I go about it? Most of my sutures have one long tail end sticking out like a giant ingrown hair, and the actual loopy bit is way in there, but there are a few that should be easier to get at.

I'm currently on 250 mg every two weeks, and every time, I crash around day 10 and get a good sheet-soaking night sweat or two. The last test told us that I was at a level of 900 (!) at day 11, which can't be right. The test from two weeks ago comes in tomorrow and we'll see where that puts me; that one should run a bit high because I wasn't burning through much testosterone due to the lack of being able to move. The idea has been to have me on a higher than usual dose of T for a little while but I think that the doctor still doesn't grasp how quickly I actually burn through the stuff, especially when I make it back to the gym.

The long-run plan, when and if this silly cycle ends, is to put me on a slower-release injection called Nebido. It's a 1000mg injection which is supposed to last 10 weeks, which doing the math for me means it might last more like 4-6 weeks. I'm looking forward to making that switch.

[raymar2020 (imported)]

I had similar problems with injections. My metabolism is so fast , that by day 8-9 , I was feeling like a limp noodle. (in more ways than one) The hot flashes were horrid, and the other side was the day after a shot, I was having thoughts of grabbing the cute ass in front of me at the grocery store.

I switched to Androgel, and all the negatives went away. I now have a steady burning sexual desire, and the hot flashes are a thing of the past.

You might look into the availability of Androgel there. FYI, I tried Testim, and it was not as good.

Raymar

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Three weeks after. I went to the urologist and complained about the sutures. Most of them were dissolved internally enough that they were easy to remove; some of them weren't and he had to cut one or two out. Interestingly, the pattern was that when I had my surgery, I scabbed over the knots very quickly and in some cases skin grew over them, and then the scabs tried to hang on until the wound was entirely closed. The urologist left three in there saying that they'd 'fall out', though these were the three that had something in the way of their being taken out.

There were three that I had to get out at home since these were three which seemed pretty angry, like a piercing gone bad. One of the sutures reminded me of the Bill Cosby ingrown hair routine and I had to pull at it gently for 5 min; one had skin growing over it but I was able to get it; and one had a gigantic scab plug and required some perserverence. But now I'm sitting here with the biggest irritant being my sack again, and that's a nice relief.

[kennath7 (imported)]

Sounds as though your doing really good

Keep up the good work

And cograts on becoming the man you want to be

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Graylayer,

Several have told me , that once the swelling subsides , that the sack will tend to tighten up like its cold. It reacts like it is trying to adjust the temperature for its missing contents. I personally have almost no scrotum, even on the hottest day, so the result is it looks as if I have had it removed.

One friend of mine who was castrated at about the same age as you , has now 10 years later reached a point where it is nearly as tight as mine. He was previously equipped with testicles the size of hen eggs.

Be patient, and from others I have spoken to , it seems that in Germany, once you are ball free, the urologists will entertain removing the scrotum if you request it. For now, just be patient, it will get toghter with time, and with the remaining swelling, they couln't remove it just now anyway.

Concentrate on the positives that you have achieved, in getting the offending orbs out, and that pleasant thought should make the "empty" sack not nearly so much of a bother.

Raymar

[Dave (imported)]

Three weeks after. I went to the urologist and complained about the sutures. Most of them were dissolved internally enough that they were easy to remove; some of them weren't and he had to cut one or two out. Interestingly, the pattern was that when I had my surgery, I scabbed over the knots very quickly and in some cases skin grew over them, and then the scabs tried to hang on until the wound was entirely closed. The urologist left three in there saying that they'd 'fall out', though these were the three that had something in the way of their being taken out.

There were three that I had to get out at home since these were three which seemed pretty angry, like a piercing gone bad. One of the sutures reminded me of the Bill Cosby ingrown hair routine and I had to pull at it gently for 5 min; one had skin growing over it but I was able to get it; and one had a gigantic scab plug and required some perserverence. But now I'm sitting here with the biggest irritant being my sack again, and that's a nice relief.

I've had four surgeries on my stomach (one for appendicitis and two right away after that and the fourth about three years later to close the hernia) and I had stitches float out of my tummy that way, nearly the same as you describe it. It's ugly to go through but not unusual. I can still feel stitches inside my tummy wall. Apparently, they are there for good.

The skin will shrink in a few months, maybe a year. Give it time.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

OK, little update. I rode my bike to work for the first time today and it felt GREAT. No nuts to sit on, although the wads of fluid, especially the left one, still give that appearance. I know, it takes a very long time for these fluid wads to go away, and they don't otherwise bother me too badly.

The past three months of testosterone therapy have also brought back the dreaded morning wood, balsa wood, not oak. Those began coming back off and on in December but now they're at the point of annoying me.

Since there's only one safe penectomy and scrotal removal option, I'm calling Thailand ASAP. They might not take me so quickly but at least I can figure out what my options are.

[DavidB (imported)]

how about reducing the amount of T you are taking to something a little bit less

[graylayer02 (imported)]

OK, I'm almost at 4 weeks here. The remaining wound issues from those sutures are pretty much gone and sex is going very nicely (evil grin) though the liquid nut is still there and will take some time to resolve. I've been chasing cars on my bike again, and my boyfriend is around. Life is good.

@DavidB: I think that the issue is more likely to be the ups and downs rather than the level of T. We're switching to a slow-release formula after this course is done with, then I'll work on getting my body composition and metabolism in better order.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

February 28,

T plus 27 days. The hard mass taking up the left hand of my scrotum has not gotten any softer or any smaller. In fact it's gotten harder and somewhat bigger; it's like a medium-sized egg; and it's anchored as if it were a testicle. This is very very odd. There was also some pain at the bottom of the incision site this morning, which was unusual. I'm thinking of going in next week and asking the urologist to take a second look at this. He took a first look at this last week and had no idea what this was; the look on his face as he did an ultrasound was more confused than usual.

[halfcock (imported)]

Hey, grayl! it will be a blood clot, i mean and will need some time to reduce itself.

if ihad my infected left sacsite, it takes some weeks for the reducing of the swelling even the doc had cut it open with an enormous great and deep cut...

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Graylayer,

After the surgery I had a relatively large lump in the left side as well. It was at first soft and flexible, and then over time got hard. It started to diminish very quickly after that. It was totally gone by 8 weeks after the surgery.

The pain you described I had as well. It came and went for a month or so, long after i would have thought the wounds were mostly healed. It was never really bad for me, just a slight discomfort. About the time I was thinking of calling the doctor, it stopped totally. No pain of any kind since then.

These days its just the joy that comes from reaching down and finding that smooth spot. Give it time , you'll get there.

Raymar

[graylayer02 (imported)]

OK, even the urologist is stumped by my phantom nut, says he's never seen anything like that before. We did another ultrasound today and there is a solid bit there; the thing has gotten somewhat harder and smaller over the past couple of days after increasing in size the previous couple of days. It isn't painful at all but it sure tries to act like it's a nut.

There's definitely no smoothness to appreciate.

Once this configuration settles down and I get some difficult wisdom teeth extracted, then I'll go ahead and make the arrangements for the nullo.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

I'm at just under 6 weeks here. The phantom nut has begun to go away nicely and there's a lot less in the way of weird lumpiness in and under the scars. I'm at the point where I could say I clearly feel better than I did before the surgery in every respect, and at some points (usually involving physical activity) much better. Every time I sit down on my bike and don't squish the boys, I smile. Every time I do a squat and don't squish them, I smile. The straight boys in colorful spandex at the gym yesterday were looking at me like I was the freak.

It still looks a bit like Dr. Frankenstein designed my crotch, but things are settling down. The gigantic sack isn't beginning to shrink at all, but stuff feels much better.

I'll have more thoughts about hormones at a future time. It's odd; my favorite times are at the end of a hormone cycle where I'm mellow and happy but still have energy. Basically I like low T except for the energy and strength issues. Also, my energy and mental stamina are better than they were before castration; there's something about my body's natural T and the balls themselves that just didn't agree with me.

Until later.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

OK, short update since it's been a week. Now at week T+7.

The nutlike object still is shrinking slowly, and the scars themselves are a lot less swollen. They're still really ugly though, especially where the sutures went through. The whole setup isn't very nice to look at but it feels nice riding a bike or doing what I did today since it wasn't raining, which is to chase trees in the park. One got away though.