Becoming the person that I am

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Ooh, when you talked about stitches and itches...I kind of felt that; my memory of last year is still fresh. I'm still working out what I actually have down there; basically what they did is to split the head into distinct parts. Part became the clit, and the rest with the peehole got relocated. Looking back, I'd sort of prefer that they'd lost the rest. It's a bit too sensitive.

I still get phantom hardons when I see someone I think is hot..."wow, I'd love to...ooh, wait." Unlike Thraddash I have a lot less of the penile skin; he has curtains while I have more of a mail slot. Less seafood, more Danish modern.

And I still get "ow, that's gotta hurt" jolts when I see someone else doing something painful-looking, like taking one in the nuts or chopping his head or whatever.

Actually it still feels like it's mostly there, not counting the nuts, until I go to the bathroom.

[YodaNell (imported)]

Ooh, when you talked about stitches and itches...I kind of felt that; my memory of last year is still fresh. I'm still working out what I actually have down there; basically what they did is to split the head into distinct parts. Part became the clit, and the rest with the peehole got relocated. Looking back, I'd sort of prefer that they'd lost the rest. It's a bit too sensitive.

I still get phantom hardons when I see someone I think is hot..."wow, I'd love to...ooh, wait." Unlike Thraddash I have a lot less of the penile skin; he has curtains while I have more of a mail slot. Less seafood, more Danish modern.

And I still get "ow, that's gotta hurt" jolts when I see someone else doing something painful-looking, like taking one in the nuts or chopping his head or whatever.

Actually it still feels like it's mostly there, not counting the nuts, until I go to the bathroom.

Greetings Gray, it must be frustrating to feel your penis, but cannot touch it!

I agree, it's GREAT to be a nullo. I don't have a labia, but it sure looks like I have it, even to the touch. It feels like I'm touching a girl, which feels nice, not having touched at woman in 10 years. Still, I must get these things out of my mind.

Keep well...

[thraddash (imported)]

.....

Unlike Thraddash I have a lot less of the penile skin; he has curtains while I have more of a mail slot....

Wow, really? Curtains? You forgot to throw in the hat as well.

[YodaNell (imported)]

Wow, really? Curtains? You forgot to throw in the hat as well.

Makes me wonder what your definition of a curtain call would be.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Greetings Gray, it must be frustrating to feel your penis, but cannot touch it!

I agree, it's GREAT to be a nullo. I don't have a labia, but it sure looks like I have it, even to the touch. It feels like I'm touching a girl, which feels nice, not having touched at woman in 10 years. Still, I must get these things out of my mind.

Keep well...

If I really felt like a girl when I felt down there, I'd demand a refund.

Who says I don't touch it?

[tomas.toohey (imported)]

Hey mate just wanted to say congrats on reaching your goal. Whats next for you?

any way have fun with your new gender

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hey mate just wanted to say congrats on reaching your goal. Whats next for you?

any way have fun with your new gender

Next? Might try and find a way to go as flat as possible. What I have now is kind of weird. But another invasive surgery doesn't really fit into my schedule these days.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

OK, time for another update, since it's been about 6 months. We're at a year and a half since my most recent surgery. Let's do things as a Q&A since I haven't done one of those in a while.

Q: So how've you been?

A: OK, very busy. Looking for a new job and planning yet another vacation, and why do journal rejections all arrive at the same time?

Q: I mean, how've you been with your whole gender project?

A: OK, fine. I've been off of hormones totally for almost 6 months now and I think I'll stick with this for a while.

Q: How are the energy levels this time? They were an issue at first, which caused you to go back on T for a while.

A: Pretty good. This time I eased off of the hormones (gel-applied) rather than crashed off of them, and I think that this made all the difference.

Q: How has your boyfriend reacted?

A: We're not together, but not because of that. Long distance, among other things, finally got to us. We're still close though, and I would be lying if I said we didn't have feelings for each other. He's a catch.

Q: Denn, ich will mit dir schlaffen.

A: Nein danke. Ich möchte etwas mehr romantisch.

Q: Is there anything you don't like about being a no-hormone nullo?

A: While my energy levels are good, the thing I notice the most is that I'm not as athletic as before. I really have to push myself to go to the gym, for instance. Also, while I still don't have a huge amount of body fat, my butt and legs don't look as nice as before. But I haven't gotten fat or grown breasts of any sort.

That, and public bathrooms.

Q: What is it that you do like?

A: Well, I feel right. When I sit down, I'm not sitting down on anything that feels like it doesn't belong there. Similarly, when I walk, nothing bumps against my legs. I feel 'free'. Also, I feel much more relaxed without hormones.

Q: Does this mean you're asexual?

A: No, I'm still more sexual than most of the guys I know. I'm just not a top. Masturbating is no problem, and between-the-legs sex really gets me going because I have all of those nerve endings. Also, my nipples are now my best sex organ apart from my brain, of course.

Q: So I guess you're a-gendered then, but still sexual.

A: Exactly. Not that passersby would be able to tell. I get mistaken for young, even younger than I got mistaken before my little project began. I still get viewed as male; I still have to shave; though my one chest hair doesn't grow anymore. Oddly enough, my three nipple hairs do. What's up with that?

Q: Do you still orgasm?

A: Hell yeah. They're mostly dry with just a bit of clear fluid, and they're a full-body experience. Much less to clean up after.

Q: Do you want to get together with a nullo or a eunuch?

A: Sure. But there aren't that many out there, so regular guys are OK too. Somehow people who meet me seem to think I'm a top; that's annoying; but it's not the end of the world.

Q: Any plans to become a woman?

A: No. I don't want to spend time doing my hair or buy tighter jeans, and I look fine as it is.

Q: How about getting the full monty while remaining a guy?

A: I don't want my insides torn apart or to take a month off work, but I can see the appeal of having a vagina. It seems a whole lot more sanitary than using the 'back door'. I reserve that option for later--that, or I might want to get whatever bits I have left removed. Not a high priority either way.

Q: Has meeting guys been a problem?

A: I live in a backwater, but on my visits to big cities, no. I find that guys who are attracted to me are attracted to me, especially if they're tops. Also, gender-variant guys are a bit of a turnon to me, and they are often pretty curious. I'm actually pretty conservative sexually--you won't find me in bathhouses or meeting random guys on the blue pages--call me old fashioned, in a weird way.

On the EA, there aren't all that many real eunuchs/nullos, but I met my ex here, and I guess the lesson from that is to remain open-minded.

Q: I've been thinking of getting done since I read a hot story on the EA about five years ago.

A: Good for you. When you come, you'll think differently.

Q: I've been thinking of getting done as long as I can remember.

A: PM me.

Q: I've been thinking of getting done since I started having feelings for guys.

A: Come out as gay (or bi). It's cheaper than getting snipped; those who love you will still love you and those who don't won't; and you can then explore yourself on your own terms.

Q: I think that God wants me to be a nullo.

A: God doesn't care. What do you want? If you want to be nullo, explore the reasons why. If you think someone else wants to be nullo, run away; he's a bad influence.

Q: How do you see yourself in 5 years?

A: Married to a sweet guy, back in the United States. With a pug. They're just adorable. I can't get pregnant, but that won't stop me from trying.

Q: What would you call your gender?

A: I explain it to people as "dickless eunuch" since laypeople don't know what nullo is. I'm more masculine than feminine, but I'm neither at heart. While I'm not offended by people referring to me as a guy because that's how most people's minds work, I'm just sort of my own thing. Which suits me just fine.

[Cuckolder (imported)]

After reading your Q & A it seems, that you overall feel very comfortable being a T-less Nullo. What`s interesting is, wether you will get something like a vagina, so you will be able to serve your Partner in multiple ways....

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Good question. I've considered it but leaning heavily against it. "They do WHAT with the intestine?"

[Cuckolder (imported)]

Does it has to do anything with the intestine? So what if it would be the wish? still heavily against it?:)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, I do not want to lose so much blood again, and it would not be like I used that thing every day, if I had it. I also hear it's difficult to keep clean.

The interesting thing is what has happened to my gender identity without testosterone. I've lately identified as more "non-binary" (thanks neutrois!) and I've come out about it to some of the gays. They're so far fairly accepting, and in fact, they kind of knew that something was 'different' about me. People have good intuition sometimes.

That will be the topic of a whole new post in the future. I've had some arguments with some experts about this where we centered on the metaphor of geography.

[Cuckolder (imported)]

Hi there...

are you still enjoying the Life as a Nullo with no T, or do you accept a little dosis?

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi there y'all,

It's been a while so I've figured that I'll give you an update.

It's about one year now completely without T. I don't think I'll ever go back.

Everyone has commented on how happier I seem now compared with one, two, or three years ago. It's not just the mild post-vacation glow. For once in my life, I feel comfortable in my own body. This is a huge deal.

I've grown out my hair a little bit, and now I look uncannily like my mom. My hair forms a bit of a helmet. I think I'm due for a haircut soon, but I'll keep it on the longer side. It's a bit more androgynous and boyish than before, and it frames my face differently. People tell me it looks good, and in fact, they don't always recognize me when they see me. I've also begun going in for facial laser hair removal. Ow.

I've gained a small amount of weight, particularly in the posterior region. I can't wear my favorite tight jeans anymore. Overall the weight gain has been modest. I haven't gotten fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I do notice it. (I was pretty lean before.) My face also appears fuller without being fat, again, more like my mom. Breast growth has been approximately zero, which is currently the way I want it.

Strength and energy are really not an issue. I had big energy problems when I initially did what I did about three years ago. My system in fact seems to like its current configuration better than the old one, so long as I don't keep trying to mess with it. I no longer have the ups and downs with energy that I had as a male. I am more relaxed on average. My ex-boyfriend has told me how impressed he is that I've maintained so much energy. I'm not as strong as before, particularly in my upper body, but my strength levels seem to have stabilized.

I just got my results from a bone scan, which took five months to organize given the run-down state of the German health care system. I'm already taking vitamin D, lifting weights, going easy on the booze, and going easy on grains. I need to wait to get official word from my doctor what the results mean. My own reading has me on the border between 'normal' and 'mild osteopenia'. I will probably have to pay out of pocket for preventative care like phosphate drugs, as I have for the scan. The German health insurance system doesn't like to pay for things, even though I pay a huge amount of money every month. This is your future, America.

I'm pretty satisfied with what I have downstairs at the moment. While I would like it to look a little flatter, it does what I want it to do, and does not do what I do not want it to do. I can still play with things and that's fun from time to time. And a bonus: Now my orgasms are almost completely dry.

So in short, I'm sort of where I want to be with this whole thing.

I've also discovered a fairly big non-binary-gendered trans* community online, and I see myself as fitting into that. Basically, I'm trans* but instead of going from MtF, I'm more like what Jesus (not that Jesus) would call 'MtE'. There is no such community in Germany, but there seem to be a lot in England and in Chicago for some reason. Must be something in that Lake Michigan water.

I've come out as non-binary to my immediate family, close friends, drinking buddies, and now some coworkers. I don't really share the details of all that I've done for a variety of reasons, but people have received the general concept well, when they can understand it. The gays can already sense that I'm not a typical gay. I don't fit a transfeminine narrative at all. But there is obviously something 'different' about me, and oftentimes people find it easier to deal with me once I tell them that I just don't get the concept of gender. It's something they were already thinking, apart from my parents, who live in a protective mental bubble.

And speaking of not getting the concept, I've also more or less discovered that I have some major neurodiverse traits. That's another thing that my sister and friends have told me for years. I have major sensory issues, am socially awkward, and like my routines. Importantly, I can now figure out when my sensory issues are getting the better of me and handle my resulting emotions better. Knowledge is power.

So, I can say that this is the year where I've finally discovered myself, after making a long part of the journey. The things I said six years ago on these boards, about being asexual? 80% true. I'm not a typical gay, and I'm not driven by sex. The things I then said about being gay? Also 80% true. I'm into guys, though I really like non-binary folks as well even if they fall more on the feminine side of things. I'm queer and proud of it. And I understand the cognitive basis behind why I sometimes don't get people or understand concepts such as gender.

What I like about the non-binary trans* community is that it's not focused on what is or isn't in my pants. It's about who I am, and I like that. Sometimes I feel that this site is a bit more focused on the body modification aspect of things. That also has its place.

There is at least one non-binary trans* person here who has helped me a LOT. They share a lot of the same traits as me, and we've spent long nights Skyping, and I've even visited them in England. They are absolutely beautiful, open, fair-minded, caring, and hospitable. Without them, I would not have worked out a lot of these things earlier this year.

I wish that there were more trans* support here in Germany, but thank goodness for the Interwebs. Without some key people, I would be lost in life. The work situation is still not good, and I appear to be stuck here for a while longer. But at least there are others out there like me. We are not alone.

[roar1956 (imported)]

Thank you for the update. Your posts help me to figure out where I am at.

[Danya (imported)]

It's always good to hear from you. Sounds like you're getting even more accustomed to the new you, you are very comfortable with this and people notice. This is all very good news! Best of luck in finding a better job.

[kristoff]

Thanks, Gray, I too appreciate hearing from you.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Thanks! Same to you, in every detail.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi y'all,

The tectonic plates underlying my identity keep moving. Every now and again a magnitude 8 wipes out a city or one of my preconceptions about myself. An alternative metaphor is that I began pulling on a string six years ago, and whatever preconceptions I've had about myself keep unraveling. Take your pick.

People have begun to gender me (from very afar, with bad eyesight) as female. My sister reports that I look more and more like her. To my astonishment, I like this even though it only happens maybe 1% of the time. I never really cross-dressed much as a kid--the few times I did it, I had SUCH a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had to stop (*)--so I really never thought of myself as MtF trans. But I am definitely trans* in some way or another, in case that isn't already clear to you.

I'm pushing hard to get estrogen, which is very hard to get in Germany. In most situations I come across as androgynously male, and I don't have any path to transition as female. I think that E would help a little bit with my early stage osteopenia and it could have anywhere from a bad to a very good effect on me mentally. What I do feel is that I'm coming closer to 'the edge', where my 'gender thing' starts to turn into a 'transition'. As a foreigner living in Germany, I have no official ability to change my name or gender, and the medical system has a very 'binary' view of things. While I have no plans of going to jail, this all does concern me a little bit. I may have to resort to resources back home in the US to help me with this stuff, and I still have to hold things back from people a little bit. People seem by this point to know that something is up, but they're too polite to ask me deep questions.

So, this identity thing never ends. In fact, it just gets weirder and weirder. Let the repeated fights with German health care bureaucracy resume.

(*) The feeling you get when your life is in grave danger or you have had bad shellfish.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hey everyone,

Another month gone by, another update to do. I'm fresh back from vacation and I have a few minutes free.

I came out as trans* to my GP (Hausarzt) a couple of weeks ago, and he seems to not be worried about the whole thing. He sort of suspected. I still have to figure out how to obtain estrogen, since the sexual medicine arm of the university clinic requires a one year (!) "real life test" in order to obtain the stuff. Since I do not identify as female at the present time, and I look completely ridiculous in female clothing, I may have to visit someone while I am in the US in order to at least start on it. The rules in Germany are basically prohibitive. In order to get any kind of treatment for trans*-related issues, I would most probably have to parade around as a burly guy with a 5:00 shadow and a deep voice in a ridiculous dress. I can't pull that off in a million years. Otherwise there is no way to get treatment in Germany.

In the longer run, who knows? I have thought about possibly entering the system as MtF in the longer run, and in five years' time I might find myself to have inadvertently transitioned should I somehow manage to make it back to a country where I can obtain treatment. It just can't happen here. There is a certain chance, in the former case, that in a few years I'll be a really butch female. I need to arrange my next laser session in order to deal with that pesky facial hair, and I am otherwise still very masculine looking. I've gone from very very masculine looking to merely very masculine looking. Hrmph.

I know that I'd be a hideous woman, and I'm not really all that feminine looking (or feminine looking at all). But it's weird that I've given this issue so much thought. I still identify as non-binary-gendered but is it non-binary M or non-binary F? Does it matter? For the system, it does, and for the system, I don't exist.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

I've heard the import laws in Germany are really restrictive? I honestly can't imagine how hard it is to do everything that way round. If you're anything like me people already see and treat you a certain way but the minute you start doing anything they will push back. I can't imagine how hard it is to start at the deep end

All the best.

[plix (imported)]

It has been some time since I looked into the matter, so my information could be outdated, but I believe that you might run into obstacles even in the US since a letter from a therapist is generally required to begin transgender HRT. However, because of my surgery, I found a couple of doctors who were willing to prescribe it to me without the letter.

Forcing someone to live as a woman for an entire year before providing E does seem a bit harsh since most transgender women are not passable prior to taking E.

I hope you enjoyed your vacation!

[Dave (imported)]

It has been some time since I looked into the matter, so my information could be outdated, but I believe that you might run into obstacles even in the US since a letter from a therapist is generally required to begin transgender HRT. However, because of my surgery, I found a couple of doctors who were willing to prescribe it to me without the letter.

Forcing someone to live as a woman for an entire year before providing E does seem a bit harsh since most transgender women are not passable prior to taking E.

I hope you enjoyed your vacation!

Don't worry about before and after appearances .

I knew a 6ft 6inch macho man who changed sexes and that awkward phase only lasted a little while. Last time I saw her, she was an attractive but tall red head.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

Don't worry about before and after appearances .

I knew a 6ft 6inch macho man who changed sexes and that awkward phase only lasted a little while. Last time I saw her, she was an attractive but tall red head.

I'm sure it's a lot harder doing it for a year without HRT?

[Yman (imported)]

I still have to figure out how to obtain estrogen, since the sexual medicine arm of the university clinic requires a one year (!) "real life test" in order to obtain the stuff.

Well, if your practitioner sees the necessity to supply you with estrogen as a result of your missing testicles, then you could get them. A transgender diagnosis is not necessary. The german insurances have a special service, MDK, to review special cases, that do not fit into the scheme. Especially the fact, that you do not require (expensive) genital surgery will give you a bonus in the process.