Becoming the person that I am

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Thanks, everyone, for that advice. That pretty much sums up where I'm at with the bureaucracy. Though, I did find out how the name-change works. Basically, my home country government has controlling authority over that...which is nice. That is a far way off but it's nice to know that there's some bureaucratic keyhole, somewhere, that I can slip through if I get that far in my (gulp) transition.

With regard to the more immediate stuff, the university clinic in my town isn't taking new appointments for the foreseeable future. The one in the nearest big city seems to have nobody there who actually takes phone calls, though apparently someone there has heard of the WPATH. So I've been making futile phone calls for the past month or so looking for ANYONE in northern Germany who even works in this field. I may have to try and get some treatment in Chicago during an upcoming trip, though ups and downs with hormone levels from sporadic treatment can be far worse than none at all.

But yeah, I feel like something has given way in my head. My inner monologue is using female (!) pronouns and a female (!) name and I'm jarred every time I look into a mirror to see that stubbly, masculine face looking back, or every time I hear that deep baritone voice. I need to find a way to do something about those things, outside of the occasional laser treatments in the nearest big city which I pay for out of pocket. That I can't do anything about this stuff in the short or medium run drives me nuts.

By the way, can we formally change the name of this thread? While I look like the most masculine guy in the world (and those who know me in person would agree), I'm not a man. I'm a really, really butch (and ugly) non-binary trans woman.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Actually in some ways it's easier starting at the deep end, since medical people know that you're serious. Also since I have an academic title and no psychological history, I'm treated somewhat more seriously too. But I wonder what will happen if I start to become visibly more feminine.

[kristoff]

By the way, can we formally change the name of this thread? While I look like the most masculine guy in the world (and those who know me in person would agree), I'm not a man. I'm a really, really butch (and ugly) non-binary trans woman.

I changed the name of the thread, but it won't change the title on the top of individual posts - those would have to be edited individually.

And I've seen pix of you - you're not ugly, so knock that off.

[Yman (imported)]

...

- you're not ugly, so knock that off.

omparing pre-op and post-op pics you´d better say: more feminine, definitely!

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Thanks, Kristoff, for editing the thread title. I think that it more accurately reflects things, since 'man' is totally inaccurate by this point. Funny how identities seem to change when physical reality changes.

I don't think of myself as ugly. I know better, and in fact, I've begun to like the way I look. Growing my hair out ever so slightly has made a big difference. What I meant is that my body and face are very masculine, and so even though I'm reasonably good looking (cute) as a guy, I am not confident that I'd be able to get people to gender me as female were I to transition. It's important to be patient and not to expect miracles. So yeah, I didn't mean to say that I'm ugly overall, just that I don't have any shot at looking like a woman in people's eyes.

I'm visiting my family and friends now back in the States, and I have a few free minutes before going out to run errands and stuff. Interestingly enough, I've grown very close to my sister, and she's the only person I have known from before this year who genders me correctly and in a consistent way. It's an immensely wonderful thing to have her on my side, since my parents are naturally a bit less enthusiastic about my whole project. That said, I've heard of far worse.

I just found out that certain formerly-reliable places to get hormones have been shut down, which bugs me to no end. I have to keep chipping away at the situation in Germany despite there being no obvious way to find help there (this includes even finding someone to talk with). Plan A was to ask an endocrinologist for hormones. His response has launched me into Plan B, which is to try somehow to find a gatekeeper to initiate the whole hoop-jumping process. Such people are very rare in that country. Plan C was to access a certain formerly-reliable place which no longer can be accessed in the United States. Plan D is to go through the informed consent process in the United States, which is somewhat complicated, time-consuming, and expensive if you do not live in that country. There is a Plan E as well, which involves yet more travel.

Meanwhile, the bone loss continues unabated.

Yman, what does an 'op' have to do with the current situation? That isn't an issue for me, though there are things I might want to do if I take things further. I don't understand the fascination with pre-transition vs. post-transition pics, except to show that hormones and presentation can have a big effect on some people. At the end of the day, looks matter to the extent that you get gendered the way you want to, but beyond that, it's a complete mistake to think that they are the yardstick by which the success of a transition is measured. The right yardstick is happiness.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Update: Christmas with the family, still in 'girly boy' mode although the regular old 'boy' name is the one which has been used. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I have a bit of name anarchy going on. Currently I am known under four different names and three different genders. This will have to get pared down at some point; my resolution for the next year is to deal with that in a particular way.

I met Danya for dinner last night, where we spent way too much money on wine. She's fantastic. The more of her, the better.

Danya could say more, but I'm currently at the stage where I feel more or less like a girl but am read as more or less (but not completely) masculine. Every time I look in the mirror it's like a shock.

A version of plan D might be in effect if I'm lucky.

When do people decide that they want to transition and that it's a good thing? Over the past few months it's been a burning desire of mine, though I've wanted to do it for much longer. When will be the day where I see a girl looking back at me in the mirror rather than a girly boy? And when will others see that? My gender presentation is still about 90% male although there are funny instances where from a certain angle from a certain distance I look girlier. It's hard to overstate how much of an obsession this has been.

Have my mannerisms always been so androgynous?

Have my looks always been so androgynously masculine?

Damn you, masculine good looks.

[Danya (imported)]

Update: Christmas with the family, still in 'girly boy' mode although the regular old 'boy' name is the one which has been used. It's like nails on a chalkboard. I have a bit of name anarchy going on. Currently I am known under four different names and three different genders. This will have to get pared down at some point; my resolution for the next year is to deal with that in a particular way.

I think you noted earlier that you have learned how to legally change your name, in the US. In Minnesota, I found the process amazingly easy. I doubt that it is much different in Illinois.

I met Danya for dinner last night, where we spent way too much money on wine.

Meeting you was the high point of my brief Christmas weekend visit to Chicago. I was immediately comfortable with you. We spent five hours talking about all kinds of things. I had a lot of fun, thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and wished we had more time together. The wine you chose was a good complement to the South American/Asian fusion, or whatever, cuisine.

Danya could say more, but I'm currently at the stage where I feel more or less like a girl but am read as more or less (but not completely) masculine. Every time I look in the mirror it's like a shock.

My impression was that while you are typically read as masculine you could fairly easily by read as feminine, after making some changes. Like eliminating, or covering over, facial hair. Your mannerisms seemed to be on the feminine side of things and this came naturally to you. Your expressive eyes and easy, charming smile would be an advantage in presenting as female. You have a good head of thick hair which, as it grows longer, is starting to frame your face in a way to soften its masculine contours. While your voice is low, it is softened by some androgynous/feminine inflections. There are exercises you can do to further soften and feminize your voice.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Thanks so much for your kind words, and your general kindness. I really enjoyed our night out together, and I have already made use of some information which you gave me. More on that later, I hope. Likewise--m

eeting you was the high point of my

week. Next time we go someplace where it's BYOB, or else we drink less.

The name change requires getting two national governments, two state governments, and airlines to agree on things all at about the same time,and my German visa is tied to my work, so it would have to be done around the time that I made the switch at work, were I to do so. It's not impossible but it is a bit of a thing to coordinate all of these things at once. We've talked names--the fact that we've talked names indicates how serious I feel about this issue.

The facial hair issue is my single worst trigger these days. I get triggered pretty easily but I know what's causing it, so my getting triggered doesn't get to me so badly, and I'm doing something about it. I'm still working out the inflection of my voice, which is to do what comes naturally and not mumble as much. This is the way my voice and mannerisms were when I was younger before I tried to 'pass' as a man. It got me teased and beaten up as a kid, but it's coming in handy now.

I still have a really square, masculine face, and hormones won't do much to that since it's bone structure. I'll always look a little bit on the manly side, though I'd be delighted to pull off a soft butch sort of look.

Pffffth, and people just usually assume that I'm some straight guy.

I've found more contacts in Germany, though they're of the people-who-know-people-who-know-people sort. It must be better than going around in circles with endocrinologists for another year.

By unpopular demand, I should maybe do another one of those Q&As soon.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Oh, and I can't wait for a time that I'm not obsessed with this issue. There was a while earlier this year where it looked like that might be the case. This is like a full-time job.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Oh, and I can't wait for a time that I'm not obsessed with this issue. There was a while earlier this year where it looked like that might be the case. This is like a full-time job.

Is it me, or is my gender thing (or "transition") accelerating? Six months ago I felt like I was at a fixed point with this thing, and since then it's taken on a life of its own. My feelings are building up on a day to day basis.

I was clothes-shopping today in girly-boy mode (I don't have a proper girl mode) and got leered at by a guy like I've never been leered at. It was laserlike. First a look in the eyes, but not being flirty-flirty like I usually get from gay men. Then he scanned me from my eyes all the way down to my shoes.

Apart from maybe a scarf I was wearing all 'mens' clothes.

Was I clocked as being 'trans' despite not even presenting as female at the time? Did this guy take me as female and did he just leer?

It felt dangerous and I took off. This was in the men's section of a nice clothing store (and it was a good-looking guy who did this), so I'm still trying to figure out what actually happened. Any theories?

On the other hand I had a good experience at another store where I bought a complete assortment of stuff.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

This is the way my voice and mannerisms were when I was younger before I tried to 'pass' as a man. It got me teased and beaten up as a kid, but it's coming in handy now.
[

/quote]


It's amazing how fast they come back isn't it?

I was clothes-shopping today in girly-boy mode (I don't have a proper girl mode) and got leered at by a guy like I've never been leered at. It was laserlike. First a look in the eyes, but not being flirty-flirty like I usually get from gay men. Then he scanned me from my eyes all the way down to my shoes.

Apart from maybe a scarf I was wearing all 'mens' clothes.

Was I clocked as being 'trans' despite not even presenting as female at the time? Did this guy take me as female and did he just leer?

It felt dangerous and I took off. This was in the men's section of a nice clothing store (and it was a good-looking guy who did this), so I'm still

trying to figure out what actually happened. Any theories?

I've got that look quite a bit since my late teens to be honest. From what you describe yes it's pretty dangerous, although I don't know, I've not experienced any actual violence since about the third month of HRT (and I've experienced it since my late teens) and any time it's looked likely since they've given me a long look then left me alone. Sincerity helps I think when you're trying to talk to them. It's comforting to get the other side of it though. When you can get a guy going red and his hand shaking you feel the battle's almost won. Then the next week I look in the mirror and my face looks like a breeze block again!

And of course he could have been curious

[transward (imported)]

Relevant to this discussion: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid= ... =1&theater

Transward

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Relevant to this discussion: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid= ... =1&theater

Transward

That's exactly the right way to look at things. In my mind, I'm working out a number of contingency scenarios as to what might work. I am not tied so strictly to the gender binary, but rather, I merely want a hormonal configuration which fits me and is good for my health, and it would be nice to be gendered as female at least once in a while and having a safe place to pee when I go out. The one remaining feature that I truly hate is my facial hair. That has to go, and that's attainable. Ideally I would make use of what natural assets I do have--not feminine beauty, but rather handsomeness of a sort--and work off of that. Let's see where that takes me.

I swear, I feel like I've done a PhD on this issue, and it's something that everyone who even thinks of transitioning has to do. When a friend of mine suggested that I do a second PhD on this issue, I rebuffed him. I didn't want to be THAT guy...girl...person. Plus, I already think about these things too much. I'd rather do something more positive with my life than to make it so self-referential.

G'night, y'all.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, I'm back in the old BR of D and I have work to keep me busy (and happy). It's amazing how nice it is to have a distraction from dysphoria, etc, and to have something that even if I'm not successful at it, makes me happy. My boyfriend also surprised me by showing up at the airport when I came back. He's a class act.

I get to meet with my first trans person in Germany tomorrow (that is, if one particular person I think might be trans isn't). I'm excited but worried at the same time. Excited because, well, I finally get to meet another person who has gone through much more than I have. Worried because I might find out that I have no path to hormones and should just save up for my broken hip in a couple year's time. And I might just get along with this person as a person. We'll see.

The episodes of dysphoria aren't so bad this week (or last) since I have been distracted, but when they've come, they've been of a different sort. Up until recently I have been more or less content with my masculine good looks, merely trying to trim around the edges (laser, no T, that sort of thing). But lately it's taken a different turn

. Every time I look in the mirror

and see a guy I feel pangs of sadness. I shake my fist and say, "Damn you, masculine good looks." At this point, identifying as non-binary is a distinct second best to something better, although I know that I could never have that. Given my features I could NEVER pass as female, by which I mean to be gendered as female. This shouldn't bother me; it's never distinctly bothered me before; but it does. It's there.

I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself (a losing strategy) or do my best. I choose the second, even if it means that I have to remain a ridiculous guy. Aargh.

Next laser appointment is next week. This will be my third time.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi everyone, again. I haven't done a Q&A format in a while so let's do one of those.

Q: How are you doing?

A: Fine. Just ate, cleaned up a bit, and am chilling out.

Q: Good. I'm reading this thread. Wow, what a difference a few years makes.

A: Yep. Even looks-wise, the ID-checkers at the airport spend an extra long time on me before they conclude that my eyes uniquely identify me.

Q: That's weird. Did you ever think that you'd look so different?

A: Nope. The funny thing is, I only really noticed this when I had a current photo and my passport photo side by side and thought, 'wow'.

Q: So what are the main differences?

A: I've grown out my hair, and I've been getting my face zapped with lasers. I'm a bit fuller in the face and in the rear, less so in the sleeves of my shirts. I still fit into my old shirts but not into my old pants, if that tells you something.

Q: What's the overall effect of this?

A: I get read as a guy ten years younger.

Q: Is this your final destination?

A: Not sure. The problem is, I look very much like a guy, albeit a young, somewhat good looking, one. This is even with all of the changes. It would still take a lot of work to get a female presentation together or to look remotely female, physically. That said, if I were able to get these things together, transitioning sounds like it might be a good thing.

Q: Wow, this seems out of the blue.

A: No. This was always in the background, and it triggered my major freakout seven years ago over the joint issues of sexual orientation and gender identity. I'm finally at a point where I can say with confidence to myself that I've tried the other options, and I would definitely prefer to go one way particular if I had the chance.

Q: What's stopping you?

A: I have no access to hormones at the present time (though I have some leads on that front). Therefore any physical changes in the short run will be very modest at best. Also, I am at a vulnerable point in my career, so I have to be very careful with that. I don't have a coherent female presentation together--if I do transition I'm likely to present on the butch side of things. Lots of sweaters and jeans and stuff.

Q: I see. Any positives?

A: Yes. I've been gradually building up a support network here and elsewhere. People in my field know who trans people are since someone prominent transitioned a while back. If I were to land a stable job somewhere, I might have some breathing room to work things out. If I do manage to get hormones, physical changes might come in more than expected. And the more changes happen (particularly with facial hair removal), the more I want.

Q: So this thing has a logic of its own?

A: Yep.

Q: What do your friends think?

A: They think that there's no way this will work, because I'm too masculine.

Q: Well, are you?

A: Probably. Hasn't stopped others.

Q: What timetable are we looking at?

A: Well, I have to lie low at least for this year and most of next. So this will give me time to try and find hormones--before I break one of my weakened bones. It will also give me time to work out some kind of presentable female presentation. I might not like it, in which case I revert to this sort of androgynously masculine thing I have going on now. But who knows if I'd like it?

Q: Are there any policy implications of all of this?

A: Actually, kind of. I think that transgender care should be a lot more flexible, since people who are really trans come in all shapes and sizes and gender identities. It's also common, from what I hear, for people to first try something androgynous but then to decide to go further. Also, the quality of trans care in most places is simply appalling.

Besides that, I've begun to notice LOTS of misogyny and especially transmisogyny out there. Knock that stuff off. I've become something of an instant feminist (of a live and let live sort).

Q: What about personal advice?

A: Part of me wonders whether or not I would have liked a more standard female configuration below. I didn't have enough money for one, and the need to deal with that problem was overwhelming. Knowing that I'm super sensitive to absolutely anything, it might not have worked out well, but there is a chance it might have.

Q: Wow, that is a lot.

A: Yep. I never thought that I would get to this point. There's still only a small chance that I will make a full transition, but that chance is up from a year ago.

Q: Is that all for now?

A: Yes, I think so. It will take some time to digest, like an overcooked schnitzel.

[JessJames1968 (imported)]

While I'm pretty sure this goes without saying ... we're here for you ... whatever you decide ...

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi everyone, it's been about a month and a half.

I think that this thing has turned into a transition. I've begun going out on weekends in 'girl mode', and I've been building up that presentation, though it will still take a while before I'm even remotely 'passable'. I'm six feet tall; my facial features are masculine; I have a deep voice; and I have broad shoulders and an Adam's Apple. It should take about a year to get the hair kind of right, and I need a LOT of makeup in order to soften my rather masculine face to something more androgynous. And my voice gives me away instantly--on top of my rather hilarious accent in German. The last thing can be worked on, once I work out a routine for voice exercises.

At least, my mannerisms are fairly neutral, not all that masculine. There's hope on that front.

Laser hair removal proceeds apace. I might have to supplement it with electrolysis at some point, for the light-colored hairs. I have blonde hairs worked in with the dark ones; the former are impossible to deal with using the laser. I actually have three colors of hairs mixed in there--white, dark brown, and blonde. That's to go with my mixed-up eye color.

I'm hell-bent on getting hormones this year by any means necessary. My energy levels have gotten kind of wonky, and I'm hugely worried about my bone density, which was already in bad shape as of last summer. I'm not expecting much from the endo. My appointment is on April 22, and I've heard very mixed things about this guy. As of right now, there's no reason to expect anything different from what I've been dealing with for years. There is the off chance (maybe 20%) that this will be my break. Otherwise, who knows?

In other news, my boyfriend broke up with me when I told him that I wanted to transition. We both saw this coming a long time ago. I'm surprised our relationship held on for this long. The gay men are now referring to me as an 'old lady' as is my grandmother (LOL). I guess this means that the changes from no-T have been fairly large.

My coworkers are now quizzing me about my shaggy hair and/or staring at me. I wonder what would happen if I started developing breasts or a softer face.

If this were a perfect world, I'd transition and live as female. Given my rather awful initial conditions, I'm not sure that this is feasible. But it's good to see how far I can go in that direction. I might be pleasantly surprised. There is a certain chance that I'll never 'pass' and/or that it will kill my career. But at least I can truly live. I can handle being an ugly lady. I am never going back to where I was a few years ago.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Is there a problem in Germany with importation of estrogen from international pharmacies? I get mine in the mail...I order about 5-6 months supply (costs about 120 bucks).

Inhouse Pharmacy..no prob..

[Cuckolder (imported)]

But at least I can truly live. I can handle being an ugly lady. I am never going back to where I was a few years ago.

Well that is the most important point when starting the way of transitioning. You must feel one with your feelings and what happens with your outside...whatever happens...don´t worry about passing in the eyes of the surrounding society...you must pass for your soul!

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

If you ever had the potential to be ugly it disappeared a LONG time ago. You look amazing and it's still really early days!

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, it's been almost two months. Just a quick check-in here.

Relative to two months ago, not much has changed. Been buried in work, stress, and travel, and I'm still grinding through the bureaucracy to get hormones. If there were a black market here, I would have turned to that a year ago. I'm still not sure if there is a way to legally change my name here--I know that for Germans it's very difficult, and the law for doing that specifically excludes foreigners. I'm looking into this rather intensively as I write this.

Despite not having hormones, I've been living this double life--in my free time as a rather good-yet-strange-looking and even stranger-sounding lady--and most of the time as a strange-looking guy. By embracing the former strangeness, I can just 'feel right'.

I've begun making plans to come out at work, although hormones, clothes, and voice need to be improved a lot before I can make the switch. That sounds daunting but that's the fun part!

While not much has actually changed in the past few months, pressure has been building, and I want this more than ever.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

There. After 14 months of trying, I'm finally on hormones. I did NOT crash my bike on the way to the endo's or have any some such thing in my way. Today has actually gone quite smoothly.

(Now I know what you're all thinking. It's been, like, 15 minutes. Do I already have breasts or 'pass' better or have a miraculous voice change? I'd just be happy if I could find a decent lunch at 3pm.)

[graylayer02 (imported)]

By the way, the way that I was able to get hormones did have in some way to do with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. It led me to a trans group here who knows a set of less-known (but perfectly legal) channels, so that I don't have to go through the Gender Horror Center.

I can finally be patient and look past this stupid issue. (plays music with lots of trumpets and drums)

[Cuckolder (imported)]

I hope you will be successful in going this/your way....As far as what you have written, I think you will feel more comfortable as a woman, or at least as living close to a womens life...

[graylayer02 (imported)]

E-Day+1

There are already some effects to report. Not like, "I've got size D breasts" or anything nutso. But the psychological effects have already begun to kick in.

Within about a minute of slapping the patch on, my sense of taste and smell changed.

Food tastes different (not bad), and my appetite is down from before.

Oddly, I find it much easier to do things like walk, though handling silverware has become more clumsy.

My libido has already begun to come back, and oddly enough, there's a significant bi (or pan?) component to it now. Before, it was pretty strictly hetero (i.e. into guys), except to the degree that I would have chosen chocolate over sex.

My thermal regulation improved within hours. I'm no longer sweating all the time, and cool weather feels cool.

I spent last night giggling and getting all emotional over some flowers that Thraddash gave me three years ago, after reading about someone who wasn't so lucky to have the support network I have had. I feel more even-keeled this morning.

So far, nothing bad to report. But I'm only a day into this.