My life

[Danya (imported)]

being stressed takes a toll on a persons life from many ways, (took a good toll on my health the past yr and half)

being a temp keeps the stress up,

then add transition to that stress, you are over the top in stress,

remember ,you have alot of people here who wish you the best,

thing is dont keep everything bottled up inside, you enjoy writing, if it reliefs the stress, keep doing it, we will be here to listen

Hi Crankshaft,

I am far too stressed out right now.

You are right, and friends and those at the office who have been contractors agree - being a temp does keep the stress up. While it is better than being unemployed, it is a difficult situation. Your boss and coworkers often expect you to pick up in a matter of days what it took them years to learn. They tend to forget how long this took them. If you are not certain of a permanent job offer, the pressure is kept on because you need to find the next contract. With each next contract job, you are again under the gun to learn new things very quickly.

Transitioning is a very good thing, but it does have its own stresses. Even good things can have stress-inducing parts.

I wish I had time to write more about this, but I need to get ready for bed.

Thanks for understanding.

Best wishes,

Danya

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Good to hear from you Danya...Be well dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Thanks for the good wishes, dragonfly.

I'm still stressed but I am learning to adapt. When I allow time for exercise and fun, I do well. I haven't been having enough down time lately.

Last night was a pleasant exception. I stopped in at a Cafe on Lincoln Avenue, to meet 'X' and two of his young college pals. 'A' knows I am transgender; 'X' told him quite awhile ago. He's totally fine with this knowledge. I helped all of them for a short time with chemistry, then took a walk.

I wanted to check out the menu for a German restaurant down the street. Later in the evening, 'X' took me there for dinner. He knows I miss my German grandmother's cooking.

I ordered sauerbraten with potato dumplings and red cabbage. He ordered fried chicken with mashed potatoes.

There was a band that was very good, playing all kinds of German songs. I knew only a few. Late in the evening, the band leader started a Conga line. I joined. After we had weaved our way among the many diners, the leader said we should not sit down but wait in the front for a contest.

This turned out to be a yodeling contest! Several people fled, returning to their tables. I stayed and was among the yodeling contestants. Judging was based on audience applause. I did not win, but that's OK. For the first time in at least a week I felt very calm.

At one point, the band played a very nice arrangement of 'Edelweiss.' I was in tears, with 'X' looking on. He is getting used to my crying at the most unexpected times. This was happy crying. I pointed out to him that the woman at the next table had tears in her eyes.

'X' thought both she and I must have crushes on Christopher Plummer. No, I told him. My tears had nothing to do with the male lead in "The Sound of Music."

Then, one of the band members continued 'Edelweiss' solo, on cowbells! I stopped crying. The guy playing the cowbells was terrific, and the sound was gorgeous.

Early in the evening, 'X' told me about a song with lyrics something like "They don't have beer in heaven, that's why I'm glad I'm still here." The band played this later!

Things with 'X' and me are going well, after some large bumps in the road. It way too soon to say if this may go further. For now, we are content to enjoy each other's company and do fun things together.

As we said our good-byes last night, I told him I had thought of taking dance lessons together. He responded that he knew I would say this soon. I never gave it a thought until a few days ago, so perhaps he has psychic powers.

The Chicago Country Music Festival begins tomorrow. 'X' and I will go to a free country music concert at Millennium Park tomorrow evening. The high tomorrow is expected to reach 80 degrees and the evening temperatures should be pleasant.

On the job front, I still have not heard from the company where I interviewed several times. Over a week ago, I left a message for the corporate recruiter. I asked for an update on when they expected to make a decision. She has not returned my call. This probably means they are going with someone else, although I have not given up hope. I am likely now low on the priority list for return calls. They'll get to me eventually.

In a way, I am relieved. I'm being given a lot more responsibility at work, in part because my young mentor is leaving. This company is a great place to be. They have thrived through the recession and after. I am hopeful they will offer me permanent work. If not in my group, in another.

One of my friends in a different department told her boss I was looking for something permanent along the lines of what she does. The job title is a slightly different from mine. It's more along the lines of systems analyst, with a business component thrown in.

When her boss heard that I was interested, according to my friend, she was 'excited' adding that she thought I did very good work. Turns out she has two open positions. I sent this boss my resume and portfolio, indicating my strong interest in the job.

This may work! It helps that I am already working there, even if on a contract basis. It's a huge help that I have a good reputation in several departments.

I also applied for an internal job located not in Chicago, but in metropolitan New York. I'd hate to leave this area. I'm still very glad to be here. There are, however, a few down sides to living in Chicagoland. Among these are:

1. People honk their horns - a lot. I've never been honked at so often and I do not have one of those "Honk if you love, like, agree with, whatever!" bumper stickers. Just yesterday morning, two people honked at me in the space of two blocks.

2. Some drivers are very courteous, allowing plenty of room for cars to merge and so on. Others are very aggressive. One needs to be very cautious.

3. Many rest rooms have no hook on the stall door to hang things like purses and jackets. Erica Ann's spouse clued me into the 'why' of this many months ago. It's to prevent thieves from stealing your things.

It can be a challenge to hold a purse and jacket while pulling down a skirt, panty house and panties. It's even more challenging to get everything back together.

4. The traffic is usually very heavy, at nearly all times of day and both towards and away from downtown at the same time.

I still love this place.

I'm making more friends at the office. I have considered telling two office friends that I am transgender, because we are becoming close.

So far, I have told no one (my boss knows - I told her at the interview). I am very tempted with two people. I am not at all tempted to make this known to everyone in the company. It's none of their business.

Why would I consider telling these two people I am transgender? Because I feel it is an important part of who I am. I am a woman, but even GRS will not change the fact I was born in a male body and had a very different life experience than natal women. If I have a close friend, I do not want to hide a significant part of my life. I hesitate because I do not want to risk my transgender status becoming an issue at the office. I want my work to be what is noticed, not who I am.

One of the two people I would like to disclose to is from India. He is Hindu, the young man who keeps calling me "ma'am." He came to the US from India about five years ago. We have many similar views on life, spirituality, family and other things. I think some of this faith would have absolutely no problem accepting me. I'm just not sure if this is a typical reaction for people of this faith. From the little I have read, views on transgender people among Hindus are diverse.

If I find the time, I will address some of the issues raised in a series of letters sent to me by 'our Jesus.' These are from a World Professional Association for Transgender Health forum on "going stealth." Some very interesting points are made. I understand why many male-to-female persons want to live a life where no one knows of their 'other gender' past.

There are practical reasons why I can never live entirely in 'stealth' mode. For one thing, every employment application I fill out wants to know former names.

[Danya (imported)]

After a long day at the office, I walked to Millennium Park to meet 'X'. The weather was absolutely perfect, with temperatures in the 70s under a cloudless sky. He had arrived early, to grab one of the regular seats at the Pritzker Pavilion, where the first of two, free weekend evening performances for t

he Chicago Country Music Festival beg

an at 6 PM.

I particularly enjoyed the second half of the concert, when Clint Black performed. He did many of his own songs and, during a song about the nature of love, I was in tears. Nothing new with that.

Toward the end of the evening show, Clint sang the Eagles' hit "Desperado." This has long been one of my favorites. 'X' likes it, too. So, he grabbed my hand. We danced and he sang to me. Once again, I got teary-eyed.

He puts his heart into singing and, although nearly tone deaf, he sings out in a loud voice unconcerned by what others may think. I do not care what he sounds like, because I know he is singing from his heart and just for me.

A few months ago, when we split up, neither one of us understood the other well. That is changing. He now realizes what a romantic I am, for instance. I have a greater appreciation for his very practical and down to earth nature. This tends to ground me, which I need at times. He told me this evening that, because I am able to let down my hair with him he now felt safe doing the same.

This is all very good. We are enjoying spending time together going to all kinds of events and activities. I still do not know where this will go. That's just the way it should be for now. He brings me happiness and is a bright spot during a stressful time of my life. For that, I am very grateful.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Wisconsin Drivers and Illinois Drivers are one in the same..They do use their horns a real real lot. They exceed the speed limit by at least 10 miles per hour. They run lots and lots of red lights. I long to be back in the country again where the drivers are laid back.

[crankshaft (imported)]

Wisconsin Drivers and Illinois Drivers are one in the same..They do use their horns a real real lot. They exceed the speed limit by at least 10 miles per hour. They run lots and lots of red lights.

how true, see it everyday on the way home from work,

I see many illinois plates, on the 4 lane that goes through our county, they pass me like Im sitting still at 60mph, and blow lights big time by like 2-4 sec into the light, and cause a wreck or create a near miss daily

at the local speed trap thats nothing more than a blind hump in the road, you see the locals slow down coming up on it, and the out of staters lay on the horn and flip us off while passing

to meet the blue and red lights on the other side of the hump

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling down. I had been doing well until two weeks ago when my not yet 32-year old mentor announced he is leaving for a new job. He has been with the company two years, over half that time as a contractor. He knows what it's like to deal with the unreasonable expectations often placed on contractors. Certain people in my group do not get this at all.

If I have written about this before, please skip over it! A week ago we were both on a conference call. About mid-way through the call, he texted me "I don't have any idea what they're talking about!" I was comfoted, knowing there was a friend who understands. He admits that after two years he is finally starting to understand most of his work.

I told another friend at work, also a former contractor, that I felt like I'm being thrown in the deep end of the pool. I was referring to new responsibilities with little offered in the way of background or instructions. She said "We all feel that way. Don't worry about it. I'll help you through it."

I've got a little over 2 months left on this contract. That's making me anxious. The contract may be extended. In a way, I would be quite happy if they'd extend it until early April. Then I could have my scheduled GRS in Montreal on April 19. I'd start looking for work again in early May, knowing it would be unlikely I'd be immediately offered a job.

At the same time, I am worried because my COBRA benefits will expire at the end of January. My doctors consider my overall health condition to be "fair." I take some expensive medications. The copays alone on two of them are $150/each. I will substitute less expensive (and possibly less effective) alternatives for these soon.

Then again, it is likely the contract will be extended. I can enroll for the recruiting agencies benefits that would take effect January 1. Their health insurance includes no major medical coverage, however. Their prescription plan would not cover me for a single month. Still, this would be better than nothing.

While this contract could become a permanent position, the corporation has a reputation for dragging its feet. My young mentor, the one who is leaving, was told after 6 or 7 months that they wanted to hire him permanently. It took them another 7 months to come through with the permanent job.

I applied for three more internal, permanent jobs today. So I am doing things to help make my situation better.

I also wonder if I am in the right line of work. I've written before how I would like to better align my work interests and my life. More about this another time, perhaps.

When I started at this company, I had posted my resume listing the contract job on a well known technology job site. The agency recruiter soon called and asked "What would "XYZ" company (the place I work) think if they saw your resume there? Aren't you happy?" I am happy for this opportunity. Maybe I'm greedy, but I'd be even happier if I had decent benefits.

To make her happy, I hid my resume. This weekend, I made it searchable again. I got two calls from recruiters today as a result. One told me that experience "XYZ" company is a great resume builder. I know this is true. I just do not want to go from one contract job to another if I can help it. It is a pain in the a**.

The young Hindu man I work with has had nothing but contract jobs for the last five years! He has no health insurance. He should see a doctor for a bad sinus infection, but he says he does not have the money. I think he may be sending money back home to help his family.

The thought of a series of contract jobs is part of my motivation for considering other career choices. Even if I make less that what I do now, having benefits may be worth giving up this career.

My roommate, who has been unemployed for nearly two years, tells me I should do something more 'creative' with my job. She tells me to 'think outside the box.' She suggests I make a career out of somehow combining photography, music and writing. Perhaps I can then make a lot of money by offering downloadable, inspirational photos with streaming music and 'stuff' I write. This is unlikely to get me anywhere.

On another matter, my roommate tells me I need to "let out" my emotions. Especially angry emotions. I should shout when I am frustrated by things at the office. Shout at home, that is. Then, she assures me, I will feel better. I understand the principle. It's just that this usually doesn't work for me.

So tonight I am frustrated, a bit fearful and discouraged. This reminds me of the first few months after I lost my job. I need time to adapt to the new realities in my life. I also need to get back to going with my feelings and relying less on thinking things through. Then I will be fine.

I am worn out. When it stayed light later in the evening, walking at the botanic garden calmed me and I felt fine with my temporary job status. Now the garden closes at 6 PM. I cannot get there early enough.

[Danya (imported)]

Within a few days, I may repost much of what I wrote here yesterday: the direction I want my work life to take. I am concerned about a few things. Among these is that, as I have noted before, I often write about how I am feeling at the moment. I'm not sure everyone remembers this.

This post was my way of 'shouting' about one part of my life - the method my roommate suggested for releasing pent up emotions and feeling better. I felt better after writing.

[Danya (imported)]

I was tempted to edit this to make it more organized and to remove a few sentences I thought were, perhaps, too personal. Instead, I made a single spelling correction. I'm sure I could have made more.

Over the few years I have written here, I have mentioned a number of times that writing is therapeutic. For some reason, writing for myself is not nearly as effective as posting on EA. I have pointed out that what I write reflects how I am feeling at that time. It does not necessarily represent my usual experience. Such is the case with this post, to a degree. I need to pay attention to what my feelings are tellilng me while not ignoring reason.

Despite its gloomy tone, writing down my feelings allowed me to work through some important issues in my life. At least to the point where I felt totally relaxed when I finished. That night, I slept very well and then had a good day at the office. There is still more that I need to do.

Here is what I deleted from my last post:

I realize it would be best for me to get out of my current line of work. It's not at all satisfying. In fact, I find it nearly meaningless. It pays well and has the potential of offering greater financial rewards down the road. So what?

Maybe....if this were a permanent job right now I would feel differently. I doubt it. When I transitioned, early on, I went for an appointment with my gender therapist. I told her I was disturbed about something. She, not surprisingly, was concerned. What I was disturbed about was that I had lost interest in the career I had built after deliberately calling a halt to my career in science. My interests had changed. Although I love science, especially the teaching of it and writing, I have no desire to go back to being an applied scientist in a lab. While I can do IT-related things well, they are a chore. These things no longer mesh with the person I am. Laboratory science and IT were 'his' interests and, I realize now, never truly his either. But that other person tolerated unhappiness better than I do as Danya. Danya is who I was born to be.

Making a living is important. Having enough money to pay for life's basics and to allow for some fun is important. Money, though, has never been a prime motivator for me. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy having money. I also realize I need to work.

I just want to be happier with what I'm doing. I do have options and, although in this economy it can be more difficult to switch careers, I can probably swing it. At least into a career area that would value my science and IT background, and perhaps my creative side, too. So I would not be moving to a totally new career. The problem comes in convincing a potential employer that I will not want to move back into full-time IT-related work or into research science. I have managed just such a career switch twice before. Both times, I had to convince hiring managers that I would not abandon their job opportunity at the first chance to return to an earlier career. I can be very convincing when my heart is in it. I succeeded in convincing managers of my sincerity before. I never returned to a prior career, either. I can convince them again.

What I have in mind has the potential of paying nearly what I make now. It probably would not offer the career growth of my current job. At this point in my life, and at nearly 59 years old, I care more about doing something I can feel happy with at the end of the day. I also long for enough time, under less stress, to pursue my interests in music and, to a lesser extent, photography.

The ability to advance in one's job is very nice. It just appealed to me more in my 20s and 30s. I was willing to put in the effort to 'get ahead.' That holds little appeal for me now.

I'm in some turmoil over this. While I do not agree with my roommate's suggestion of how I make a living, she has been right in one respect. She clearly sees that I am unhappy with the type of job I have.

I feel like I'm writing an awful confession here. People may be thinking "What, is she out of her mind!"

I love downtown Chicago. For its architecture, including the towering buildings, its museums, the fountains and parks and on and on. When I am enjoying a concert a Millennium Park and look at the huge skyscrapers just across the street, though, I think of all the people toiling away in their identical cubicles every day. And I feel a little sad. I am doing just what they are. While many feel fulfilled in this type of business world, I do not.

Sometimes, I overhear people on the street talking about how they have out-smarted the competition, made a big sale, closed a deal and so on. What they are talking about, in some ways, touches on what I do. I simply do not relate to what they are saying, at all.

The reality is, even the job I now have is something of a career move. One I prepared for carefully and built on skills I had developed in my last job. So it is not entirely new. It is the first time, though, that I have worked at this particular job role all the time, day in and day out. It does not suit me.

I hesitate to write this down with such conviction, because it is forcing me to be very honest with myself. Perhaps better to leave the illusion of job satisfaction undisturbed.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi Danya....Lots of emotions and indecision going on , eh? At the very least, it appears you could use something at the end of your workday to relax and find some reward...the SRS surgery could be put on the back burner for awhile, too...The less stress , the better....Just an observation....You're amazing...

big smooches dragonfly

[JessicaH (imported)]

Considering how many hours of our lives are consumed by our careers it is essential to do something we enjoy if we are going to have happy and meaningful lives. Many peope don't have a choice and do a job that they hate all their lives.

Many of us have invested much time in money toward educating ourselves so that we can choose the work we do which can give much satisfaction. Sometimes we go through all that only to find what we worked so hard for isn't as rewarding as we thought it would be which can really break us down when we realize it.

Depresssion can also seep the joy out of everything we do, especially in our careers and relationships. It clouds the future and makes us pessimistic about the direction that we are headed. I do hope that you are at a moment of realization and not slowly sinking into a bout of depression.

Thank you for writing what's in your heart as many of us care about how you are and how you feel.

hugs, Stacy

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya....Lots of emotions and indecision going on , eh? At the very least, it appears you could use something at the end of your workday to relax and find some reward...the SRS surgery could be put on the back burner for awhile, too...The less stress , the better....Just an observation....You're amazing...

big smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

Emotions are Me! All my life I have been emotional. Since I transitioned, my emotions have intensified. Nearly all of the time, this is a very good thing.

I am indecisive about some things right now. Lately, it seems like my entire future rests on making exactly the right choices over the next month or two. This is absurd. As usual, I am putting too much pressure on myself. A friend here mentioned that I am a hard taskmaster, on myself. Others have told me this over the years. I have high expectations for what I will accomplish and how I will live my life. My self-imposed standards are similarly high.

I do not expect others to adhere to these qualities. As for me, I made some peace years ago with my own expectations. Now, I usually know when to let go of my expectations and when not to. Good things can happen when I pursue my dreams.

I agree, less stress is better. Individual perceptions of what constitutes stress are very different. I find that not being sufficiently challenged at work or by the music I play on the piano, for instance, can be stressful. Still, I am under too much stress now.

You are absolutely correct. I need somethng fun at the end of the work day. To do this, I need to make my commuting time shorter and more pleasant. I have started taking the Metra commuter train instead of the 'L.' The Metra station is only one-third the distance of the 'L.' The traffic is also much lighter driving to Metra.

I will not postpone GRS (SRS) unless a compelling reason arises to do this. My scheduled surgery date is just one month shy of the three year anniversary of my transitioning. I am close to 59 years old, too. For several reasons, I need to proceed with surgery on April 19. I want to feel some closure, for one thing. I also want to be able to live my life fully as a woman, including physical intimacy.

Yesterday, Friday. I was in a bad mood at the office. The project I was working on was tedious while requiring high accuracy. I decided to listen to a Bee Gees CD. The high energy of some of the songs turned the day around. I felt energized and engaged.

In another post, I may write about my 'reverse' musical education. I have loved classical music, and later jazz, since I was a young child. I very rarely listened to popular music. Since transitioning, my appreciation for popular music has been increasing. My love for classical music and jazz remains strong.

Earlier in the week, I drove to the Chicago Botanic Garden after work. I needed the exercise and this place is a refuge for me. As I neared the exit for the garden, I was listening to an Eagles song. I was so intent on picking up the chord sequence the band used to modulate to another key that I drove right by the exit.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and concern.

Hugs,

Danya

Considering how many hours of our lives are consumed by our careers it is essential to do something we enjoy if we are going to have happy and meaningful lives. Many peope don't have a choice and do a job that they hate all their lives.

Many of us have invested much time in money toward educating ourselves so that we can choose the work we do which can give much satisfaction. Sometimes we go through all that only to find what we worked so hard for isn't as rewarding as we thought it would be which can really break us down when we realize it.

Depresssion can also seep the joy out of everything we do, especially in our careers and relationships. It clouds the future and makes us pessimistic about the direction that we are headed. I do hope that you are at a moment of realization and not slowly sinking into a bout of depression.

Thank you for writing what's in your heart as man

y of us care about how you are and how you feel.

hugs, Stacy

Hi Stacy,

I will share what my psychiatrist told me about a month ago. He knows I was an emotionally abandoned (i.e., abused) child and, as a result, I never had a childhood. He knows I have dealt with major depression since I was a young child.

He told me that if he had started seeing me by the age of 15, several times a week and for 10 - 15 years (!), I probably would not need the very effective antidepressant I now take. I told him that I had dealt with my 'lack of ever being a child' issues over a period of several decades and that everything was now 'fine.' He correctly told me that my description of how I dealt with this was an 'academic discussion.' He added that, while I think I have worked through everything to completion, this is not true. What really goes on is that I am not entirely aware of all the ways in which my childhood abandonment still affects my life.

When I was a teen, a boy about my age spent time in a mental hospital followed by some intense out patient therapy. He was a very different, much happier and well adjusted young man after this. I remember fervently wishing my parents would send me for help, too.

During our visit, my psychiatrist said taking my antidepressant is a good compromise that enables me to function very well and enjoy life. Most of the time, anyway. He is right.

I very much appreciate your concern. In another post, I will discuss my life direction in more detail.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling entirely back to normal, at least my version of 'normal.' There are a lot of things going on in my life and, now and then, I start to feel overwhelmed. As long as I leave sufficient time for fun, I am fine.

'X' had a large role in helping me relax this week. Wednesday, I took the nearby Metra line to work. I caught the express train at the end of the day, with no stops between downtown and my station. The trip lasted a mere 33 minutes. During the ride, I called 'X' who said it would be nice to see me that evening. OK, I thought. That means I will have to commute back into the city, traveling at least 18 miles through potentially very heavy traffic. I quickly decided to make the trip. It took me over an hour.

I met him at his college, where he was studying late in the library. He took me to dinner. I then dropped him off at his car, which he had left in the school parking garage. I wanted to see the view from level 6, at the top. This is where he always parks. He often spends some time between classes sitting in his car eating lunch.

When I call and he is in that spot, he comments on the great view of downtown. It's roughly 10 miles distant and he says he can look and know where I am. I wanted to see this view. There was a little haze near ground level of downtown, but the sky was clear. What he calls his "billion dollar view" was spectacular.

I had given up helping 'X' with most of his chemistry, in part because I did not feel I was the best person for the job. Friday, though, he called me at the office. He was feeling discouraged as he tried to grasp the principles of stereochemistry. This part of organic chemistry can be difficult, at least initially. In part because it requires you to visualize three dimensional molecules and rotate them into different orientations in your head. I did a quick review of the subject on the web. That evening, I met 'X' for dinner. I was able to explain things in a way that he grasped the basic concepts and completed his homework. This left both of us very happy.

He had gone over the same material with his tutor that morning and gotten nowhere. Of course, she is a student herself and, while she has completed the course he is now struggling with, she does not have my background. Being able to help 'X' gave me more confidence that I can be an effective tutor to bring in more money. Or teach this class myself. I had been uncertain because it has been 40 years since I studied organic chemistry. I did not use most of my own knowledge in my career as a scientist.

This morning, I went to the botanic garden to walk - and over analyze my life. I got things back in a better perspective after spending the rest of the day with 'X.'

This afternoon, he sanded, primed and painted a damaged area of my car. We then went to dinner and saw a $4 movie in a town near O'Hare. As we were going back to his place, we saw one of those signs that often give misleading information about the driving time to the 'Circle.' The convergence of several interstate highways right next to the financial district downtown.

This evening, the sign gave an estimated travel time to the Circle of 14 minutes. 'X' said, "let's go." He teased me about submarine races in Lake Michigan, supposedly out of the Naval Station - Great Lakes in North Chicago.

Long before we parted at 11 PM, I was completely relaxed. I had also come to a conclusion on my work life. More on that another time. It's late and I have a morning electrolysis appointment.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wonderful, Danya...I see that tutoring has awakened a spark of hope in a possible new career move..Intellect and compassion such as yours should not go to waste...Your students await! Smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Wonderful, Danya...I see that tutoring has awakened a spark of hope in a possible new career move..Intellect and compassion such as yours should not go to waste...Your students await! Smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

You are very kind. :

)

As for my career, for the time being I need to stay with what I am doing. The few unemployment support groups I attended while still in Minnesota encouraged "bridge" career moves. This can mean remaining with what you have the most recent experience in while trying to move within your organization to a more satisfying job. Or, it can mean staying with what you know best until you have the time and resources to move to something else.

When I wrote the post about my near total job dissatisfaction, I was in a really bad mood. Things unrelated to my career were influencing what I wrote. Down the road, I very well may make a serious effort to work in a more satisfying job that aligns better with my interests. For now, I need enough money to continue expensive electrolysis treatments and help pay for Gender Reassignment Surgery (i.e., SRS.)

While my career path right now is not the one I would most prefer, I am not that unhappy with it, either. There are many days when I leave the office satisfied with what I have done. There are a number of desirable things about my job.

Whether this is a good thing or not, I am capable in several technical and in some of what many view as creative activities. With a technical job, having outlets in music, for instance, gives me some balance in my life. Then everything goes better.

Albert Einstein noted that "After a certain high level of technical skill is achieved, science and art tend to coalesce in esthetics, plasticity, and form. The greatest scientists are always artists as well." I'm not a great scientist or artist. Still, I could always relate to this quote. Science, mathematics, music, other performing arts and the visual arts - in their essence these are all highly creative endeavors. Genuine creativity in one tends to spill over into other areas that may, when first considered, seem unrelated.

[Danya (imported)]

I learned today that I will have a phone interview, on Wednesday, for a permanent internal position at the company I am working at as a contractor. This is good news, whatever I decide to do with my career down the road. For one thing, the company is one of the very few that pays for Gender Reassignment Surgery. Secondly, you start out with four weeks of vacation. Finally, as several recruiters have pointed out, being able to use this company's name is a great way to 'build a resume.' I read today that many college graduates in certain fields rate this place as highly desirable. Perhaps that is worth something.

Should I be offered a permanent position, now or down the road, and decide I want to stay in this business after all there is another very strong plus. Given a little time, I would be able to move anyplace I want in the country. The company is so distributed, location is irrelevant. One of my boss's staff members works in Nevada, another is in Manhattan and a third is in California. These people make up her entire contigent of permanet employees.

Having a permanent job of this type would give me a little security. I would feel in a better spot to replace the fine digital piano I sold when I moved here. I could get back in practice, putting me in a better spot to apply for staff organist jobs. Being a musician is the only paying job I've ever had that rarely feels like work. I can practice the pipe organ for 7 - 8 hours straight, not noticing when people enter and leave.

There are two things that could keep me here. My love of Chicago and 'X.' More about the latter another time.

Tomorrow night, I will put in a lot of time preparing for the phone interview.

Still waiting for word from the other company I interviewed with several times.

Other promising news: I'm being contacted by several recruiters a day for contract-to-hire and permanent jobs. Most of these are in Chicagoland. One is in Maple Grove, a Twin Cities' suburb. When I mentioned this to my close woman friend in Minnesota, she said "You don't want to move back here." She believes I am better off in the Chicago area, for several reasons. I discussed these with her before I made the final decision to move here.

We also have our suspicions about the identity of the Maple Grove company. From what I know, there at least some departments there I would want to avoid.

[Danya (imported)]

I was very happy with my phone interview this afternoon. This is for the permanent job within 'my' company. It is always difficult to predict what will happen next. I should hear soon, perhaps even by the end of this week, if I will have a second interview.

My boss is short on staff now that my young mentor, 'D', left for another job. She was already trying to increase staff before he announced his departure. It is possible that I will be able to fill 'D's' vacant position, which is a permanent job.

This evening, I decided to turn down an interview for a contract-to-hire position in a nearby suburb. The recruiter and I spoke this morning and he was confident I would be interviewed by his client within a few days. I based my decision not to pursue this on a number of factors (all quite boring! - I just feel like writing):

Current employer:

There are continuing opportunities opening all the time

They are diversified in a large number of product lines

Considered one of the very best

Has continued to prosper throughout the recession and continues to do so

Is an exceptionally well managed corporation

Many opportunities for mobility among job types

Boss and others already know and like my work

Very trans friendly

Company I turned down for interview:

Makes one core type of product - likely high vulnerability to market cycles

Job would require 20% travel, and

Wants a whole lot - other recruiters have told me the pay for these types of responsibilities, given my experience, is far too low.

If I had no other options in the works, I would go for the interview and be glad for the chance. I am fortunate to have reached the point where I feel free to turn this down.

I was contacted by three other recruiters today. I will go ahead and apply for a different contract-to-hire 'opportunity.' This is at a well-known university. The job description is very interesting.

Things with 'X' are going far better than I thought possible awhile back. I just spent a relaxing evening with him. Sunday evening, we are going to a classical music concert at his college. One of my favorite piano concertos, by Robert Schumann, is on the program.

I may try to help 'X' a bit with some of his calculus studies. This is a difficult class. He wrote this morning that he was feeling discouraged. It would be more work for me to assist with calculus than with chemistry. I was not a math major. Although I enjoyed calculus and took it for 3 semesters, I have not used it in decades.

Monday evening, I wrote a fairly long email to a number of friends. Most of them were not aware of the latest developments in my life (job prospects, GRS date, dating, music studies). One of a number of good things to come with transitioning has been my increased ease in forming friendships. I was very happy to receive a number of lengthy responses.

One friend in Europe is a terrific woman who transitioned late in life. She made the first connection between us, after she stumbled on the personal web site I had back then. We have spoken on the phone a number of times. In her reply to my email, she told me she might be visiting Chicago within the next year. It would be great to meet her. We've enjoyed spirited email exchanges about all kinds of musical topics.

[Danya (imported)]

One day, I hope to be entirely open about who I am. I have no desire to make a political statement. I do not want to 'fight' for trans rights. What I hope to do is increase awareness of trans folks and, thereby, play a small role in furthering acceptance.

I have always been interested in helping people. Over the years, I have come up with various excuses for not following dreams to become:

1. a minister (as a teen and again in my 30s) - applied to seminaries more than once. Accepted but never went.

2. a college professor (throughout my undergraduate years and while going through my first stint at grad school) - offered college instructor position when I got my degree, I turned it down because I thought it would not lead any place.

3. a physician (as a college student and again in my early 30s) - offered interviews to medical school while a student,which I turned down - later was ready to apply again and set to go. Ex-wife, however, said she could not handle this - said she would give me divorce instead - I chose to remain married.

4. a professional musician (high school and college) - music helps people, too - when I started college, I was a music major and continued advanced piano and organ lessons

5. a clinical psychologist (late 30s, early 40s) - investigated this heavily, opted instead to work for grad degree in chemistry - seemed like a more promising way to a secure future

Instead of following my passions, I took what seemed to be more sensible paths. I think my decisions are rooted in my family history. Duh!

For one thing, my father always said we were poor. When I was a young child, my father worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. After doing this for several years, his doctor told him he needed to stop or he would die. During my teen years, he at times held part time jobs to supplement his full time income.

I have written that money has never been my prime motivator. This is true. I still prefer to earn enough so I do not wind up having to work like my father did.

When I transitioned on the job, I was surprised to receive about 40 emails of support. More than one said I was helping other people by being so open. Many months ago, I probably wrote about just how open I was at that time. Of course, there was a company-wide announcement. The HR folks asked if I would also provide a lot more information about me and trans folks. I did and this was distributed.

My 'supporters' at the office back then may have been exactly right on one thing. They said I was doing enough to increase awareness and acceptance by living openly. Someday I hope to do more.

Since then, several people have suggested I travel around the country giving talks on my experiences and also, perhaps, motivational presentations. It's tough making a living this way! Besides, this is something you have to develop over time to create demand. There are many other people doing the same thing.

Someday, though, I want to get going on this. It will mean being very open about who I am.

My European trans woman friend is an inspiration in this regard. She is rather well known in some circles. She is also very open about her transsexuality.

I want to be open with people who become friends, too. Just last week, after a lot of thought, I told someone who had no clue exactly who I am. Meaning my somewhat unusual life history. I was confident he would take the news well and he did. It wasn't a big deal at all.

I have no family, so there is no one to be concerned about other than myself. My situation is different than some other folks who transition.

None of this means I am prepared to make a general announcement at the office. I am not and do not intend to. There will be no "Hey everyone, I'm a transsexual woman!" Besides, this is the company where this is a non-issue.

Still, life can be lonely if you have to hide a major part of your personal history from everyone.

[kennath7 (imported)]

Danya

I know exactly what you mean when you say how lonely it can get hiding a major part of your life

From 8 years of age I started doing things to my self I felt so alone thinking I was the only man on earth that had such thoughts about castration it helped quite a bit when I found the EA and had others to talk to

It would be so neat if I had friends that I could hang out with that I could freely talk to with out fear of rejection or retribution

I get so excited when I read your post you have grown in leaps and bounds it dose give others hope and strength

Keep up the good work

I wish I had more money so I could visit every one that is here at the EA

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Kennath7,

I am always happy to see you have posted something. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, gentle nature and kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

I have responded to some of your post here:

Danya

I know exactly what you mean when you say how lonely it can get hiding a major part of your life

From 8 years of age I started doing things to my self I felt so alone thinking I was the only man on earth that had such thoughts about castration it helped quite a bit when I found the EA and had others to talk to

It would be so neat if I had friends that I could hang out with that I could freely talk to with out fear of rejection or retribution.

I have written this before, but it's been awhile so people may have forgotten. It's not something I think about these days, but your post reminded me. I was self-harming for several months, and on a regular basis, until I started seeing a gender therapist. I had self-harmed occasionally over the years before this heavier activity. Once I had my first appointment, I stopped and I have not self-harmed since.

My point is, while I cannot walk in your shoes and truly know what your life has been like, I can relate in some ways. I felt very alone, too, for a very long time. That's a difficult spot for anyone. Having people in our lives who understand our life struggles, or can at least empathize without making judgments, makes a huge difference.

The Archive is a terrific place for folks who are outside 'normal' (or perhaps 'abnormal would be more accurate!) societal expectations.

I get so excited when I read your post you have grown in leaps and bounds it dose give others hope and strength

Keep up the good work

I wish I had more money so I could visit every one that is here at the EA

I read your response shortly after you wrote it. I was deeply moved. That day, your words helped me a lot and I am very grateful.

In another post, I will write more about some of the things going on in my life. For now, I will mention that this remains perhaps the second most difficult time of my life. The most difficult was being assaulted and dealing with Post Traumatic Stress years later.

While this is a trying time, I also feel very fortunate. To have transitioned, to be leading the life I was born for and to still have a child-like amazement that I have arrived in this happy spot. Many people here are doing the same thing. Too may 'normal' folks never gain an understanding and appreciation of who they after a llifetime.

Work has been difficult, although I can do the job. Certain people are continuing thorns in my side. One person, in particular. For awhile, I have felt that I am in an earthly hell while at work. Today I took action to deal with this. I needed to get my mojo back and I have. I am not using 'mojo' to describe sex appeal. Nor do I mean a magic amulet. In a way, perhaps I am including those as part of a larger characteristic: self esteem. Mine had been partially in hiding.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Way to go on the Mojo..Hehe..I know exactly what you meant by this...

Standing up for yourself in order to get what you deserve...And, you deserve a lot...I love to read your posts...You're so articulate...and I can relate to you and your admirers in many ways...(and..they are admirers..as am I)

smooches dragonfly

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

I just read all the way thru your thread Danya... You are simply amazing.. The fact that you are hanging on.. Amazing. Yeah, the job market is horrible. Employer, jerk you around. Yet, you are doing marvelous at keep your head held high.. You are doing wonderful girl.. I am very proud of you.

[Danya (imported)]

Way to go on the Mojo..Hehe..I know exactly what you meant by this...

Standing up for yourself in order to get what you deserve...And, you deserve a lot...I love to read your posts...You're so articulate...and I can relate to you and your admirers in many ways...(and..they are admirers..as am I)

smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

I am feeling very confident, although I still have occasional attacks of panic. Those are short-lived. I will write more on what is happening soon.

Thanks for your kind words, as always.

Hugs,

Danya

I just read all the way thru your thread Danya... You are simply amazing.. The fact that you are hanging on.. Amazing. Yeah, the job market is horrible. Employer, jerk you around. Yet, you are doing marvelous at keep your head held

high.. You are doing wonderful girl.. I am very proud of you.

Hi OneBallBoi,

It makes me happy to know you are proud of me. I'm not trying to be amazing. I'll leave any such conclusions to kind folks like you.

What I do know is that, for the first time, I am starting to believe in my heart that I can and will survive this time and will, in the end, thrive. I even feel I will soar, figuratively speaking. This feeling is more powerful than an intellectual acceptance that everything will work out.

It is very much like the time before I decided to transition. I had to let go of thinking through the 'what if's' and go with what I felt in my soul was the right path. I let go of fear then and forged ahead. There were two weekends shortly before my official transition date when I panicked. Friends helped me through those. I was totally calm when I walked into the office as Danya for the first time.

None of this means this time is easy. It is not and I feel a deep empathy for the many people in this country who are unable to find work after extended searches.

A week or so ago, I felt like giving up. I put up with that for ten minutes before deciding to call a friend. Speaking with her dispelled my doubts and fear.

It is likely I will need to find another job soon. Certainly by the end of the year. There are signs this may not be too difficult. Time will tell. The upcoming holidays may delay things a bit. Many people have interviews and are never offered a job. Nonetheless, I will find a way to succeed.

Hugs,

Danya

[butterflyjack (imported)]

So glad to hear you're more upbeat and confident... I'm looking forward to your more in-depth post. smooches dragonfly

[Riverwind (imported)]

Hi dragonfly,

I am feeling very confident, although I still have occasional attacks of panic. Those are short-lived. I will write more on what is happening soon.

Thanks for your kind words, as always.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi OneBallBoi,

It makes me happy to know you are proud of me. I'm not trying to be amazing. I'll leave any such conclusions to kind folks like you.

What I do know is that, for the first time, I am starting to believe in my heart that I can and will survive this time and will, in the end, thrive. I even feel I will soar, figuratively speaking. This feeling is more powerful than an intellectual acceptance that everything will work out.

It is very much like the time before I decided to transition. I had to let go of thinking through the 'what if's' and go with what I felt in my soul was the right path. I let go of fear then and forged ahead. There were two weekends shortly before my official transition date when I panicked. Friends helped me through those. I was totally calm when I walked into the office as Danya for the first time.

None of this means this time is easy. It is not and I feel a deep empathy for the many people in this country who are unable to find work after extended searches.

A week or so ago, I felt like giving up. I put up with that for ten minutes before deciding to call a friend. Speaking with her dispelled my doubts and fear.

It is likely I will need to find another job soon. Certainly by the end of the year. There are signs this may not be too difficult. Time will tell. The upcoming holidays may delay things a bit. Many people have interviews and are never offered a job. Nonetheless, I will find a way to succeed.

Hugs,

Danya

You know as always I wish you the very best, hope all turns out well.

River