My life

[mrt (imported)]

I've been sort of off line for a while. Working on a variety of things one of which is my relationship with my wife. Therapy can be a good thing!

Liked your comment about antidepressents and them being worth using if it helps deal with problems. I had the same issue with sleep meds. I wasn't keen on taking them but the alternative? Not sleeping? So NOT good that I decided not to loose sleep over them.

Not having a child hood sounds very traumatic. I kind of feel that myself but in a far different way. Older Parents, growing up in a non "family" type area etc. Anyway how did the job thing go? I've been rather discouraged to be still working the part time low pay job I'm at but then I talk to people who have not had any work for year+

[Danya (imported)]

You know as always I wish you the very best, hope all turns out well.

River

Hi River,

It's great to hear from you. Yes, I know I always have your good wishes and I value that. I am confident everything will turn out well, although there still may be some significant bumps in the road ahead.

Hugs,

Danay

[Danya (imported)]

I've been sort of off line for a while. Working on a variety of things one of which is my relationship with my wife. Therapy can be a good thing!

Liked your comment about antidepressents and them being worth using if it helps deal with problems. I had the same issue with sleep meds. I wasn't keen on taking them but the alternative? Not sleeping? So NOT good that I decided not to loose sleep over them.

Not having a child hood sounds very traumatic. I kind of feel that myself but in a far different way. Older Parents, growing up in a non "family" type area etc. Anyway how did the job thing go? I've been rather discouraged to be still working the part time low pay job I'm at but then I talk to people who have not had any work for year+

Hi MrT,

I was wondering how you were doing. Taking care of personal business is always important, especially when it involves the most important relationship in your life.

'X' brought up my lack of a childhood tonight. I couldn't talk about it for long. It was too painful. When my life is more settled, this is less of an issue.

My current roommate has been out of work for nearly two years. I was unemployed for 10 1/2 months, so I know how discouraging unemployment and underemployment can be.

The phone interview I mentioned went well. I was not offered a second interview, though. This is OK. I will describe more of what's happening in my next post.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

My job is very stressful and, for a time, I thought this was all the proof I needed to pursue another career type based on some of my other skills. My much younger mentor and friend at the company left for another corporation a few weeks ago. He thinks I do great work. He and my close Minnesota woman friend agree that, with a different manager, I may feel much better about my career. I think they are right.

I feel a need for circumspection here, as far as my work life goes. So this is a heavily self-censored explanation of my work situation.

Last week, I spoke with the agency recruiter I work with, who got me in for the interview that landed me this job. She readily admits that anyone holding this particular role, at this place within the company, is in a very difficult situation.

I had hoped that this temporary job would turn into a permanent job. Now, I don't think this would be a good thing at all. A permanent job in another part of the company would be terrific. I'm still applying for those.

For the time being, unless a very tempting permanent opportunity comes my way, I want to stick with contract assignments. My Gender Reassignment Surgery date is a little over five months away. I will have no problem on a temporary job announcing I will be having surgery and will leave with two weeks' notice. If they like my work, I will offer to work remotely after the initial 2 week recovery period.

Even if a good permanent job offer comes along, I may say that I will take the job only if they are fine with my keeping this surgery date. I will not explain what the surgery is.

I am confident that I will be able to keep working at one contract job or another until surgery. I continue to get emails and calls from recruiters, nearly every day, about job opportunities in my field. They initiate this contact, solely because my resume is on several technology job sites. Not all of these jobs are good fits. Some are not only good fits, they also sound interesting and maybe even fun. I have turned down several offers because I would have needed to start sooner than I can.

Hiring for contract workers in my field and in this part of the country has risen sharply. In addition, I am still gaining valuable experience where I am. A fourth recruiter recently told me that the company I am at is great to have on my resume.

After surgery, I will either continue with contract assignments until I find a permanent position in this career or opt for a different career, based on my science, IT and business backgrounds. I am finding that contract work is now more attractive to me.

Tomorrow morning, Sunday, I will go to the botanic garden for perhaps the last time this year. They have not yet had a killing freeze. The location close to Lake Michigan may delay this a bit, but not likely for much longer. I want to walk for at least two hours. It's one of my favorite spots in the metropolitan area.

Things with 'X' are gong well. He's been discouraged with some school work. With additional information from a friend here who knows about such things, I encouraged him to see a specialist. He likely has dyslexia.

Shortly after we met, several things prompted me to ask him if he had dyslexia. As time has passed, my suspicions grew. I am very glad he will see the specialist later this month. He feels more confident now, knowing that there is probably an explanation for some of his learning problems. There are also ways to help him work through most of these.

I will spend Thanksgiving Day with 'X', his daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter and extended family.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

As always, good to hear from you, Danya. It sounds as though there are more and more opportunities opening up to you..Maybe it's the economy bouncing back, or maybe it's just you...Maybe both. After your surgery, life should take more rigid bent. You' ll be less stressed with it done and moved toward your goal .( Which I can only surmise)...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

As always, good to hear from you, Danya. It sounds as though there are more and more opportunities opening up to you..Maybe it's the economy bouncing back, or maybe it's just you...Maybe both. After your surgery, life should take more rigid bent. You' ll be less stressed with it done and moved toward your goal .( Which I can only surmise)...smooches dragonfly

Hi Drangonfly,

Things are strange at the office. I only fully realized how strange when I overheard a conversation between my boss and her own supervisor. She clearly thought I had left for the day. What she was saying made it clear that she is totally aware of something I suspected was at least partly unconscious. I'm referring to her very manipulative treatment of subordinates and others.

I do not go out of my way to listen in on other peoples' conversations. On the other hand, I follow the advice of a mentor in my life several decades ago: "Keep your big ears open and your big mouth shut." She was a retired school principle and understood the political games that go on everywhere.

My young friend and mentor, who left the company about a month ago for another permanent job, sent me an email last week. He said that one part of him hoped that my contract would be extended. Mostly, though, he thought it best for me to get away from the 'negative vibes' at the end of the aisle. He was referring to my boss. Before he left, he used stronger, unfavorable language to describe her. He also told me there were others who felt the same way.

I am feeling very upbeat, despite the unpleasant situation at the office.

Earlier this week, a recruiter sent me a job description that fit my qualifications. The location made it difficult for me to resist saying I was interested. It is in Monterey, California. I have been to Monterey a number of times. When I was a research chemist I presented papers at a national symposium held at the Asilomar Conference Center in Pacific Grove, on the Monterey peninsula. This area is one of the most beautiful places I have had the good fortune to visit.

In the winter months, there are certain trees in the area loaded down with hibernating Monarch butterflies that migrate to this frost-free location.

When I first trekked to Pacific Grove to give a talk, I was in the midst of dealing with my first attack of Post Traumatic Stress. A result of having been assaulted 5 years earlier. It was an emotionally difficult time for me. I started to go into more details but I cannot.

All I'll say is that the view over the Pacific from Asilomar as the sun set, my first evening there, was extraordinarily beautiful. The clouds were on fire as I looked out on what seemed lake an impossibly large expanse of ocean. I crouched on the sand to view the myriad see creatures tenaciously clinging to rocks in the pounding surf.

I cannot believe how difficult this is for me even now, 21 years after that time on the beach. I'm sobbing. I do not often think back to this time.

I remember feeling all of the wonders surrounding me were painfully beautiful. Almost too beautiful to bear in the midst of the pain I was feeling. I had lost all belief in a Creator. Not in an academic "God is dead" way but in a cut to the soul, searing pain of being abandoned and utterly alone.

I am fine, or at least as fine as I can be given what I experienced. I worked through my post traumatic stress in what turned out to be a very positive way. My therapist at the time was initially against the approach I took, but later commended me. Still, I know that I carry emotional scars from being assaulted. Now I realize that it was not just thinking of Monterey that brought these memories back. Wednesday evening, 'X' told me that his young college friend that I have helped with chemistry was assaulted by his brother. His friend called him for advice. 'X' recounted all the details to me. I was able to offer additional feedback.

When I started writing this, I did not intend for it to go in this direction. In the past, I have usually deleted this type of post before saving it.

[Danya (imported)]

After my last post, with one sentence noting I am doing well surrounded by rather serious subjects, I realized I need to lighten up.

I just spoke with a friend on the phone and I know I must have sounded a little down. That's because I took my prescription mood stabilizer earlier today. It can be a little too stabilizing while making me sleepy, too. I feel like I need a nap, but I don't have time.

Today has been terrific so far. I know this may be too much information for some of you, but this morning I had my second weekly session of electrolysis "down south." This is in preparation for my scheduled GRS date of April 19. The treatments are rather painful! After a few minutes, I get used to the pain.

Electrolysis work on my face: we are reducing the weekly treatment to 1 or, at most, 1 1/2 hours. I may be able to stop these treatments in a few months. When I started in early March, I had lengthy sessions of 4 - 6 hours for a number of weekends to get a jump start on things.

'X' and I are getting along better than ever. Tonight, he is treating me to a concert of a Beatles tribute band that is reported to be the best in the USA. Before the concert, we will go out to dinner. I'm having my usual difficulty: deciding what to wear!

This Thursday, he will see a specialist about his learning problems. I am happy he is following through on this. Despite his difficulties with memorization, a lifelong issue, he continues to do very well at college. He is a very diligent student and studies long hours at the library and has several tutors. He is enthusiastic about his course work, interactions with much younger students and teachers and thoughts of his eventual goal. I get a kick out of his pleasure. He just turned 58 and he is competing well with much younger students. He is mentoring some, too, and he enjoys this.

After completing his Associate's degree, he wants to go to pharmacy school. I think he can do it. There may be some obstacles because of his age. If you want something badly enough, and 'X' is going after this with passion, things can be made to work.

Whatever our long term feelings for each other turn out to be, I do not think the relationship can last. Neither one of us has our own place now. He cannot afford it and, for now, I cannot either. I doubt I will want my own place until sometime after GRS. Certainly not until there is more stability in my work life. Besides, he may wind up leaving the area when he goes to pharmacy school. I may well decide I want to live someplace else. I still love Chicago, but I am tiring of the long commutes.

Both of us would prefer to live in the western part of the US.

I'm continuing to spend time reviewing music theory. I was excited to find a web site where you can download free music scores. This is really cool! I listen to a symphony or choral work and try to determine what's going on in the composition. Later, I check out my conclusions by reviewing the published score. This is lots of fun and I'm learning a lot.

Learning music theory is proving to be much easier the second, much later, time around. In part, I am more free to trust my musical intuition and judgment. It also helps that, over the years, the repertoire of music I have played is much larger now. Many of the text examples are based on music I am very familiar with.

On the job front, I'm not losing sleep over the uncertainty in my employment. It seems my boss is deliberately avoiding returning calls from the agency I work for. They've left several messages over the last two weeks asking her to call. They want to ask if she will extend my contract beyond its Dec 20 expiration.

She was on my case late Wednesday. She does not pick me out for this unwelcome attention. She does the same to other people. I was getting fed up, though, and finally asked if she would prefer I leave the company. She immediately replied "No, there's way too much work to do." Her entire tone changed at this point. I had the next day off. She told me to enjoy myself and "not worry about this place." Friday, she was uncharacteristically sweet.

I knew I was on relatively safe ground when I asked if she would rather not have me there. Although she is interviewing candidates for the position left open by my young mentor, in early December the other contractor will leave. After December, her only remaining permanent employee is moving to another department. This does not guarantee that she will extend my contract. If she does, I will be glad to continue there because I am now much more familiar with corporate systems. The job will also likely tide me over until surgery in mid-April. I am very excited about that.

While I wait to learn what her decision is, and I may not know until the last moment, I'm taking action to find another job. Very soon, this will become more difficult because of the holidays. Come January, and the start of new budget years, things will open up more.

Even now, there are far more jobs advertised than when I was looking early this year. I will get everything to work out.

[Danya (imported)]

There are signs my boss will extend my contract at the downtown, multinational corporation where I work. As time passes, and I do more work for people outside her own dwindling group, I get more praise about the quality of my work and how quickly I pick up the important points. Word of the favorable views of my work spreads, while my boss never has a positive thing to say. Such is her way and not just with me. Of course, my contract may still end as scheduled in late December. If it does, I will work things out.

That may mean moving to another part of the country yet again. I would likely postpone that until after my scheduled GRS date in April. Early next year, I will take what jobs I can get to make ends meet. Recruiters continue to call regularly, so it is likely I can get another contract before long.

After recovering from surgery, I will very definitely consider a move for several reasons:

1. The economy is not expected to improve significantly in 2011. The Federal Reserve's plan to buy $600 billion in bonds is predicted to reduce the national unemployment rate a few tenths of a percentage point by the end of next year.

2. Over the last year, rightly or wrongly, I have concluded that there are fundamental, structural changes happening with the economy. I am not an economist and I do not claim to be an expert on the economy. Still, I doubt that things will ever return to the way they were before this latest recession. I must be able to go where I have the best chances of staying employed. I am fortunate that what I do is in fairly high demand and that demand is predicted to increase sharply over at least the next eight years.

3. The Chicago area is lagging, by a significant margin, the recovery seen in certain other job markets that are out-performing the national economy. Unemployment has declined here in the time since I arrived in early March. The Chicago metro area unemployment rate is now about 9.4%, not very different from the national average. Despite this, there are good reasons for me to remain here and I hope I can. Ultimately, though, I will do what I must. 'X' is well aware of this and encourages me to move if that is best.

4. If I decide to move after surgery, I will thoroughly research regional economies before choosing an area. If I were to make a decision today, I would know what to do. The situation may be very different by mid-May of 2011.

'X' - I told him a few days ago that I cannot afford to see him as often. Until now, we were sometimes meeting 5 - 6 times a week. Things would be different if we did not live so far apart. I must save more money in preparation for surgery.

I am beginning to feel, again, that 'X' and I may have some irreconcilable differences, after all. I love him, though, which complicates everything. Whatever differences we have may yet prove to be unimportant.

My young Hindu friend at the office, the one who always calls me "Ma'am", was let go with no notice. He was told budgetary constraints were the problem. I was devastated when I heard the news. I am serving as a reference for him. He is searching around the country for another contract job.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

You continue to amaze me, Danya...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

You continue to amaze me, Danya...smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

All I'm doing is trying very hard to make it through a difficult time. Far too many people have suffered through tough times in this still challenging economy. Many find that, after a difficult adjustment period to a lay-off or similar hardship, they are stronger than they ever suspected. I am fortunate, too, in that "I get by with a little help from my friends."

That being said, I appreciate your generous comment.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. It was time to get some prescriptions refilled. I'm hoarding some of these to cover the possibility of going without health insurance in early 2011.

Anyway, I was in a good mood when I spoke with my shrink. He commented that I was clearly doing well. He knows I do not yet have a permanent job. He commented that just about everyone is nervous about jobs these days. Those that have permanent jobs, those that have no jobs and those who have temporary jobs, like me. Then he complained about health insurance. He ended with "What's the difference, we'll all be dead in 10 - 20 years anyway." I will gladly take whatever time I have left on this very good earth and live as full a life as possible.

I knew it was inappropriate to give my moody shrink a hug , so I did not. His down spirits did not affect my upbeat mood. Just like anyone else, however, I have down days. He will write the second and final required letter, to meet the World Professional Society of Transgender Health guidelines, supporting my goal of Gender Reassignment Surgery.

For some reason, my shrink and even my HRT doctor got the idea that I had GRS quite awhile ago. I recently set both of them straight.

[Danya (imported)]

This afternoon from the office, I sent a friend some thoughts on Thanksgiving. I copied my personal email address. The corporate legalese at the bottom of the email far surpassed the length of what I wrote.

This is part of the note I sent my friend:

"I'll spend at least part of the day [Thanksgiving]

with 'X', his daughter, son-in-law,

and his adorable 3-year old granddaughter. There will also be in-laws present. Everyone seems to get along well and they are all welcoming.

My life is hectic for now, with continuing job uncertainty. Over the last year, I've given up my home and privacy to rent a small room in someone else's home nearly 400 miles from my original location and friends. I've also given away or sold most of my belongings. None of what I have relinquished has proven to be a major loss requiring a significant adjustment. There are some very positive aspects with all of these changes and even my ongoing lack of job 'security.'

I miss no more than a few things. My piano is perhaps the only example. I need to renew my efforts to find a place to practice and, perhaps, perform.

Considering losses and gains, and how far I have come in my life journey over the last year, I have a lot to be thankful for."I am very thankful, most of all for being able to lead the life I was born for, as Danya. Whatever I have given up to stay on this path is truly of little consequence when considered in light of the joy I experience in finally being my "true self."

Of course, I still experience life's problems and often do not react in anything close to the "amazing" fashion some here so kindly ascribe to me. For several days this last weekend and into Tuesday morning, I was feeling down. Why? I realized that 2011 may, in many ways, be my most difficult year yet.

How so? If my contract job is not extended in late December and I do not soon find another, I will need to tap into my dwindling life savings yet again. I will not be eligible for full unemployment insurance because I will not have worked long enough. In that way, my cicumstances will be more dire than when I went 10 1/2 months without a job beginning in August, 2009. I'll also be without health insurance for the first time.

After a few days of worry, I somehow let go of my fears about my uncertain future. I was not able to do this so easily or quickly a year ago June, when I first learned I would lose my job, or in 5 - 6 months that followed. Now, for some reason I feel more alive as I accept all this uncertainty.

With all this uncertainty come possibilities. Mostly, I catch nothing more than glimpses of what good things might yet be part of my life. That is enough.

I know that I will have times ahead when I wonder how I will make it over the next hurdle. I will worry a bit and then do what always saves the day: take action. Fortunately for me, the lag time is decreasing between worry and action. Usually, anyway. I'm still capable of learning!

There is always my safe place in Minnesota, should I need it, with my close woman friend there. At this point, though, I don't view this as a desirable or viable option. And not only because it's snowing again in the Twin Cities.

'X' treated me to dinner tonight and we had a relaxing evening together. I told him I need to cut back on my already low discretionary spending for our times tog

ether. I warned him, again, that

I might have to move to another part of the country for a job. I know he eventually wants a serious relationship. For now, he has his sights set on me. Over dinner, I gently told him that I did not see much possibility of this happening for us. Considering my financial and work situations. I was not ruling it out by any means. What I was doing was giving him my explicit permission to date someone else. Someone with a place of her own and a stable job. Of course, he does not need my permission to date anyone. But I needed to let him know that I want what is best for him. For now, we are continuing to see each other.

[Danya (imported)]

I was very happy to hear this afternoon that my young Hindu friend has found a new contract job. A few weeks ago, he was released from his assignment at the company where I continue to work. It took him roughly three weeks to land the new position. Turns out he had a second offer. Both are for contract work. Both are also out of state. The job he is accepting is in Virginia.

He is a very ambitious young man of 28. I am more than old enough to be his mother, yet we get along very well and share many of the same outlooks on spirituality and life. I've enjoyed many long conversations with him.

We do not agree on everything, especially on career paths. He is convinced I should be in a leadership role. Fairly early in my career as a research chemist, I was told I could advance as far as I wanted to go. I was already supervising several people and I did not want more management responsibilities.

Now, away from the world of science, I have even less desire to be a manager. It has always seemed to me that the personal costs of climbing the corporate latter are too steep.

A week or so ago, my young friend told me that once he found work he wanted to take me to dinner. He wants 'X' to come, too. That may not happen, as 'X' is very busy preparing for final exams. Perhaps it will be easiest if I dine with my young friend alone. There is something special about the bond we share and, because of this, 'X' is something of an outsider.

My friend's quick success in finding another contract job has given me a lot to think about. He told me local recruiter's have jobs here in the Chicago area. The hiring companies, however, are taking a lot of time making decisions. He did not feel he could wait for a possible job when offers came in elsewhere. He forwarded me the names of recruiter's who helped him find his two offers.

I still do not know if my contract will be extended. As it stands, it is set to end Dec 20. I'm going to start checking into jobs in several other areas of the country tomorrow and Sunday. It's possible, then, that I may soon move away from Chicago. 'X' has always known this is a possibility. He's even encouraged me to go after jobs forwarded by recruiters outside of Illinois. He does not know, however, that I will now actively look not only locally, but also across the country. Up to now, I have not seriously considered leaving Chicago partly because of my relationship with 'X'. Now I feel I need to consider all options. Yet I do not know if I will have the heart to leave this area now. I'm a bit shocked that I'm even considering leaving Chicago so soon.

Against all reason , I still love this area. I went to the Botanic Garden today. I had dressed warmly and walked for an hour outside. A few hardy flowers were still blooming. Then I enjoyed the just opened Christmas display in the main building. This was exceptionally well done, down to the artificial snow falling over model scenes from around the city surrounded by lit trees and blooming Christmas plants. Afterward, I drove down Sheridan Road to downtown. I always find taking this scenic route along Lake Michigan relaxing. Once downtown, I traveled down Michigan Avenue, where I enjoyed seeing the crowds of shoppers and the Christmas lights. Later, I met 'X' for dinner and an inexpensive movie.

Whatever I do will be with two goals in mind. Staying employed and keeping my GRS date of April 19.

I spoke with my electrologist during our 7:30 AM session today. She says there should be no problem if I stop facial treatments soon. All she is working on now is very fine hair. I do not think I'm quite as far along as she does, but I am very happy with the results. I have confidence she is right in saying any additional facial work would not take much more time or money.

I may be too busy job hunting to write for awhile.

[NaziNuts (imported)]

Danya, we love ya.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

- NN

(I know I have used that first line before but I still like it. I amuse easily and you progress bravely and with grace. Peace, and may you be right on time for your pieces reassignment surgery.)

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Best wishes to you in finding your next position.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, we love ya.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

- NN

(I know I have used that first line before but I still like it. I amuse easily and you progress bravely and with grace. Peace, and may you be right on time for your pieces reassignment surgery.)

Hi NN,

It's always good to hear from you.

People who know me well, and who themselves are gracious in tolerating my occasional(?) whining , would likely agree I'm merely doing wha

t I must as I progress down this path. I thank you for yo

ur generous words and encouragement.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya,

Best wishes to you in finding your next position.

Hi Mac,

Thanks for writing. I'm doing well. This evening I applied for several jobs in the Chicago region. More soon - perhaps tonight!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I was going to add the word 'quick' before 'update' in the title. Then I smiled to myself. Often I intend to be brief and am anything but.

A month or more ago, I wrote about how dissatisfied I was with my career. Several thoughtful people responded. Then I did a quick turn around and said everything was totally fine, after all. Really!

It's not. I discussed my unhappiness with several friends this weekend. These are the poor souls who are forced to listen to my complaining from time to time. I'm still struggling to find out what I want to be when I grow up.

With my very close Minnesota woman friend, I shared career feelings I have never shared with anyone. She has long advocated I remain in my current career. After we spoke this weekend, she changed her mind.

I do need to be strong during this time. Please keep in mind that I really have little choice in holding to this attitude. I'm merely doing what I must. I admit, though, that over the last few months and for the first time in my life I feel - darn near totally capable of making my way in the world and succeeding in the ways that I wish. The rub comes in with figuring out what I want to do or, perhaps more accurately, how to accomplish career and other goals that fit my life. I do not expect to get to where I want to be immediately.

It still helps to have friends who will patiently listen, on occasion, to my doubts and concerns. They are true gems, spending time with this sometimes cranky, petulant, whiny close to 59-year old. Seriously, I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Including many here who write now and then.

Fortunately, I accept that I can 'let my hair down' and simply be who I am at the moment with friends. At times, I feel a bit anxious and confused.

I take some comfort from a movie, of all things, that portrays a very strong woman who has her own moments of doubt and insecurity. At times, she even whines in a convincing imitation of me! The movie is the HBO miniseries "Elizabeth I" starring Helen Mirren, one of my favorite actresses.

After I saw the miniseries, I read a number of biographies on Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen (well, cleverly marketed as a virgin wedded to the State of England while having a series of lovers on the side - I'm getting off track, as usual.) She was a fascinating woman who, biographers agree, certainly had her own weaknesses. I have no desire or aptitude let alone the opportunity to achieve all she did. The point is, she often did what she had to do to survive in circumstances MUCH more difficult than mine. She still complained at times, or wished her life were different. She could be quite petulant and unreasonably demanding of herself and others. Just like me, she had to push through her own weaknesses and doubts to get to where she knew she had to be.

More on the career, and the reasons I feel I must get out of this line of work if at all possible, another time. For now, I'll say that in the past I've succeeded at making some fairly nifty life changes. Not that they've all been easy.

If I can continue in the same job type I'm in now until mid-April, I'll be happy. This will very likely be the case. If, by some chance, I gain at least an entry into an alternate career field before April, all the better.

So I will be extraordinarily busy over the next few weeks at my current job and investigating new opportunities in more than one career field. What fun! It will all be worth it in the end.

'X' - a touchy subject today. What happened may signal the end of our relationship. Briefly (yeah, right, you say), he behaved in an appalling manner, in a fairly loud voice in a public place. A church, no less. I will not repeat here some of the things he said that others heard. What he said had nothing to do with me. I warned him that he was upsetting me and not behaving well. If he continued I would leave the church early. He did not 'cease and desist' so I left the sanctuary in tears. I did wait for him in my car so he would not be stranded after he sat through the rest of the service alone. I was over the tears many hours ago.

When he returned to the car after the service, he tried to tell me that his behavior was no big deal. I responded that he was dismissing my feelings, never a good thing to do with anyone. I added that what happened involved one of my core values and this was a very big deal. We had a talk about the whole thing as I drove him back to his car. He was going to treat me to breakfast but, after the scene in church, I told him no thanks.

Our relationship has been making big strides. I understand what prompted his behavior in church, but I do not condone it. He's old enough to know that there are times to keep his thoughts to himself. I do not know how this will end.

I told him that, if he wants to see our relationship continue, he needs to regain my respect and remain sensitive to my feelings. How he does this, if he chooses to, is up to him. I let him know getting my respect back absolutely does not involve buying me something. At least for now, I'm not at all upset over things.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

You seem to have your life together, Danya...You know how to stand up for yourself....Good luck sweety..smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

You seem to have your life together, Danya...You know how to stand up for yourself....Good luck sweety..smooches dragonfly

Thanks, Dragonfly. After the incident at church, I let 'X' mull over things for a day. Then I had a long talk with him. The thing is, I think I have a fair understanding of why, at times, he behaves in a not very appropriate fashion. He agrees with what my take on this. I have a lot of empathy for him. At the same time, I do not have unlimited patience.

[Danya (imported)]

My boss extended my contract for a short two weeks. This will carry me through the end of the year. This is a good thing. It may mean that she will extend it into next year once the the 2011 budget is finalized. Whatever happens, I will work things out.

I'm backing off my frenetic job search for now. It's too stressful after a long work day and commute. My dear friend Erica Ann let me know I need to be careful that I do not overdo things. Not only is it too stressful, it can be bad for my health and relationships. She is absolutely correct. Erica Ann is one of the people who knows me very well.

Even now at the holidays, recruiters are calling me every day. They are still the ones initiating contact.

Every one of them tells me hiring has improved dramatically in my career area. Several suggested that, since my boss extended the contract through year end, she will likely extend it further. This is the way things often go with contract jobs.

Recruiters are also saying that many companies have projects planned for 2011. They need to interview people now to bring them on board in January.

Most of the jobs I am getting calls on now are permanent positions. This is in marked contrast to the situation in March, when I moved to Illinois. Back then, contract positions far outnumbered permanent placements.

As for career options, despite my misgivings I will stay with my current job type for now. Part of my dissatisfaction comes from continuing job uncertainty and negative feelings from dealing with a very difficult boss. I don't want to "throw the baby out with the bath water." At least not until my life is more settled and I can examine my situation from a very clear, and realistic, viewpoint.

I've discussed my job dissatisfaction a number of times with my roommate. I have also told her I do not want to rush into a career change decision. She has come to the conclusion that once I see an open path before me, for a career or something else, I will take action to make it happen. I saw my HRT doctor this evening and he said the same thing. Somehow, people pick this up.

I had a job interview this morning, with a recruiter, for a permanent job in the suburbs. The interview went well. As I have learned over the last 16 months, though, it is very hard to predict how these things will turn out.

A company in Connecticut is interested in me, too. This was another situation of a recruiter initiating contact with me. If a phone interview goes well, they will pay travel expenses for me to meet with them in person. This surprised me.

Unless I get a definitive 'no' on a further contract extension, I will continue to sit back and let the recruiters come to me.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi Danya...You mention HRT therapy...What does that entail with you?

Connecticut, huh....I live not too far from there...Nice state...

smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya...You mention HRT therapy...What does that entail with you?

Connecticut, huh....I live not too far from there...Nice state...

smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

I'm taking 10 mg of estradiol per day. Estradiol is the dominant estrogen hormone in women. I also take a testosterone suppressant, spironolactone. I spoke with my doctor about switching from estradiol pills to injections. We'll likely go that route after I get my latest blood work results next week. We may also increase the estradiol dose.

I haven't heard anything more about the Connecticut job, but I still may.

On the way home from work this evening, I got a call from a recruiter about a contract job in Northbrook, a northern suburb. It's only a short drive from there to the Chicago Botanic Garden.

I wrote my boss an email today asking for an update on future contract extensions. Sounds like she'll speak with me tomorrow about this. I need information to plan my next steps.

In the time since I asked her if she would prefer that I leave, several weeks ago, she has remained remarkably pleasant. My question was in response to all of her complaints. She immediately, I mean at that moment, changed the way she interacts with me and that has not changed. Perhaps an alien now inhabits her body.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

My guess is the boss knows how valuable you are, and found out you'll tell her to shove it, if she persists in her bitchiness towards you.

I've been seriously considering the Spiro/ Estradiol route...There's a legitimate reason...I'll be able to pee properly again, I understand this regimen of anti-androgen and female hormone takes care of a swollen prostate...I'll be able to shitcan the Avodart and Tamsulosin ( generic Flo-Max)...Hey...I heard it makes you feel really good too..Sleep better...I can't seem to get a good nights sleep..haven't for a long time...It'd be nice to have my gonads shrink up a little and become useless...I'll feel pretty, oh so pretty....hehe smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

My contract, which was extended through the end of this year, will not be extended further. My boss told me that the current workload is not high enough. I agree. Coincidentally, while she told me the news in a conference room, a recruiter left a message on my cell phone. It was about yet another opportunity.

Having the contract renewed would have decreased my short-term job uncertainty, and assured income for a time. I am relieved it was not. Simply because my boss has been so difficult to work with. She has been treating me better, but when I hear her on the phone it is clear she is as difficult as ever. I have still felt that I need to tip toe around her.

I have been the lead on two projects entirely outside of her group. These are the only tasks I have thoroughly enjoyed. For both, I was given all the information I requested. Everyone involved treated me well. For both of these projects, I received compliments on my enthusiasm and the quality of my results. One of these is still in progress and a I led a review session today. I enjoyed it. This type of experience tells me that I can not only do well in this career but get some fulfillment, too.

On projects within my boss's group that required heavy interactions with other groups, I have also received praise. From people in the other groups.

There is not a single time when I have received more than a curt "thank you" from within my boss's group. The one exception was my young mentor/friend who left for another permanent job about two months ago. He valued my work and told me so. He also defended me to our boss.

I have learned a lot of new things with this contract position, and as several recruiters have told me, being able to list my work for this company on my resume will be a very good thing.

Another very good thing is that I have made friends at the office.

When I left work today, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Where does this leave me? Certainly I need to find another job as soon as possible. Preferably one that will start before year end or in early January.

While I am getting calls from recruiters on nearly a daily basis, I can no longer count on that method for landing another job. I also need to actively search for new opportunities. There are a lot of openings even now, at the holidays, because companies want to bring on people for projects budgeted for the new year.

I also need to be mindful of what I can reasonably accomplish as I continue my current job. There are limits on my time. I cannot afford to be overly stressed. I need to continue to eat well and get enough sleep. I also need to allow time for fun.

My natural tendency is to expect a lot from myself. I earned my PhD in my forties, working on it full time while I held down a demanding full-time research job. I managed by realizing when I'd had enough of studying or research. Even if an exam were a few days off, if I was feeling stressed I would take the night off. I might take more than one night off. Or I'd take a vacation day.

I also kept the relationship with my ex-spouse on center stage. We still had plenty of time for long talks and spending fun time together.

By carefully balancing work, studies and other parts of my life I made it through the six years it took to earn this degree. Over nearly the entire time, I enjoyed myself. Only in the last six months, when I was finishing my dissertation, did I wonder if the process would ever end.

My first of three episodes of post-traumatic stress, a result of being assaulted five years earlier, occurred in the middle of my PhD program. I worked through this PTS episode by making some very positive things happen. So for a time, I was working on this degree full-time, working a full-time job and basically working a full-time one person local campaign to increase awareness on a certain issue I may discuss another time.

This period was one of the most fulfilling of my life. I was an activist. I spoke to church groups, Tough Love meetings and civic organizations. I regularly worked with the mayor's office of the southern city where we were living. I also had direct and frequent contacts with someone high up in the city's public school system. I got a story aired on the local TV station. I knew beyond a doubt that I was making a difference. People were telling me I needed to continue doing this type of thing.

Somehow, I also managed to continue playing the pipe organ fairly regularly throughout this period.

When I am passionate about something, or someone, I will do whatever I can to advance my case.

As I look for another job, I will keep in mind what I have been able to accomplish before. It was only within the last weeks that I gave any thought to the activist role I once so happily filled. This may be a path I can follow again. If not now, down the road.

I'm writing all of this to remind myself of what I can do when I am passionate about my work. What I am writing is all for me, folks. This is how I work through where I'm at and what I need to do.

For a time, 'X' thought I spoke about such things to impress him. He knows better now. All I am doing with him is sharing who I am. I am totally comfortable with him so I want him to know what matters to me. That's all I am doing here, in a way that also helps me. At times, I need to remind myself of who I am - if that makes sense.

After 6 1/2 months, 'X' knows that I value who he is and what he has accomplished in life. For a time, he wondered what I could possibly see in him. As far as I know, he no longer concerns himself over this. He understands that I appreciate him for exactly who he is. If at times his behavior is out of line (people I speak with all agree with me when I explain what happend ), I am not ready to give up on him. That's because he brings me a type of happiness I have never experienced before. I also have some understanding of where he is coming from.

I do not mind when he tells me "Shut up and kiss me." In fact, I laugh. I do tend to talk a lot since I transitioned. Just look at the length of this post.

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Sorry to hear about your job situation. Is there a possibility for you to get an assignment in another department in the present company?

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

Sorry to hear about your job situation. Is there a possibility for you to get an assignment in another department in the present company?

Hi Mac,

I am not sorry about my job situation , although I appreciate your kind comment. Something could yet work out at my present company. Time will tell.

If I do not post anything for awhile, it is because I am very busy on my job search. I'm also allowing time to reflect on what I really would want in a job and how I might make that happen.

Besides, after my last post I may have finished the process of sharing just about everything there is to know about me. Until this evening, I wanted to keep much of that information to myself. I have only shared the details of how I dealt with Post Traumatic Stress with a few people and not to this extent with anyone for the last 15 years or so. Partly because it tends to drag up powerful emotions from when I was assaulted. That did not happen tonight. For the first time, I could write about this without crying. This is a very good sign.

At a minimum, I will post updates when something significant happens

. I am confident everything will

work out. I am not changing my plans for Gender Reassignment Surgery in April.

Hugs,

Danya