My life

[Danya (imported)]

Yes, I am always aware of how much time remains before surgery. While I do not expect GRS (or SRS, depending on your point of view) to dramatically change my life, I will feel more complete. I'll also be able to legally marry as a woman. There will be other benefits, including being able to exercise at the fitness club, changing and showering in the women's locker area. This might not seem like a big deal. Since transitioning 2 1/2 years ago, though, I gave up my health club membership. I find hard exercise very relaxing and it's good for my physical health, too. I'll be glad to be able to get back to that while knowing I will be able to easily enter any environment natal women do.

With Christmas fast approaching, I needed to get a card for 'X.' I finally bought one today. I wanted to be careful to convey a loving message without conveying the idea that I am ready to commit to a long term relationship. I am not and may never be.

Nonetheless, despite a few major problems over the last few weeks, our relationship continues to improve. That's because I have very clearly communicated my feelings about certain things while providing several options to make things easier for him. I know this is all very vague. I need to leave for my electrolysis appointment in a few minutes and do not have the time to explain more. He also discussed how he felt about certain parts of our relationship and remained calm. I was pleasantly surprised.

Over the last few days, I've been mulling over what to write about next. I want to cover something new. One likely topic is 'confessions of an overachiever.' There are both positive and negative aspects to being an overachiever. In addition, there are implications for my career. This affects how I view my work. It can create problems, too. If a supervisor, for instance, does not realize my preferred work style he or she can draw incorrect conclusions about my work. Smart managers know how to cultivate the strengths of overachievers while watching for potential problems an employee like me can run into.

I realized today that this is an area of my life I have never written about here. I'm willing to take suggestions from anyone here, too. Of course, I reserve the right to decide what I will write about.

[Danya (imported)]

I left my downtown job before noon. It was my last day and there was no work. Companies do not want to pay contract workers to surf the web. After leaving the office, I decided to get my roommate this wonderful popcorn she craves. Oprah recommends it. My roommate told me I could find it at one of the downtown Metra stations.

Turns out the popcorn store was closed for renovations. While I was at the mall-like entrance to the station, I stopped in another store and bought a small Christmas gift for 'X.' This is after I told him we should not buy each other anything for Christmas. Neither one of us can really afford it. Besides, although we are both relatively cash poor, we agree we have all we need.

I know, though, that he needs this particular item. Then too, like last year I find that, rather unexpectedly, I am in high Christmas spirits.

As I walked back to where my car was parked in the relatively inexpensive downtown ramp, at a mere $18/day if you enter before 9 AM, I meandered around roughly 10 city blocks in search of another store with my roommate's popcorn. I had no luck.

Over the last month or so, I have been gently reminding "X' of my upcoming birthday. I helped 'X' celebrate his early November birthday by taking him out to dinner at a nice restaurant and giving him a card. He now knows the date of my birthday so, I thought, all is well. When my birthday arrives, I can at least expect a card and perhaps dinner at an inexpensive restaurant. Today, I found out that I have been overly optimistic.

'X' and I spent the afternoon together. I told him about the Christmas present and reiterated that I was not expecting a gift from him. I let him know that I had gotten him a special card and that it would be great to get a special Christmas card from him. It need not cost much. He was mildly surprised that I wanted this card.

It seemed like a good time to mention my birthday, so I reminded him how thoughtful it would be for him to give me a card. He was, once again, surprised! He said "I guess I'll have to get two special cards tomorrow." I added that birthdays are special occasions and that, while I realize he does not have much money, an inexpensive dinner or trinket would be much appreciated. On hearing this, he was even more surprised. I explained that it's important for couples to celebrate together; the more celebrations the better.

There are times when I wonder if he has been listening to me. Clearly, the answer is "not always." To be fair, I do talk a lot these days. I've always been very verbal and now I am even "worse." Before I transitioned, my 'verbalness' was mostly an interior thing. Now I express myself quite openly to all kinds of people.

On our afternoon drive, he asked if I liked to play sports when I was in school. "No," I told him, "I never did." Then I started a long conversation that covered all kinds of topics. Including: sports, movies, WWII, books, philosophy, ethics and, of course, "world peace". I've probably missed a few subjects. Poor "X"! While he did participate in our talk, I would rather it had been more of a two-way discussion.

To be fair to myself, my HRT doctor and I enjoy similar elaborate conversations. At the end of one, I told Dr. "M" that I wasn't certain how I had arrived at my final topic. He told me that everything fit together quite logically and that he enjoyed our talk. He was a more active participant, though, than "X" typically is.

By this evening, I was feeling a bit exasperated with "X." Hell, I was concerned he would still overlook my birthday. I called him. He wanted me to give him ideas on what to do for my birthday, which I have over the last few weeks. Tonight, I left it at "You think of something. It doesn't have to cost much at all." I then asked, "Are all men this dense?" I already suspected the answer is "Yes." Or at least many men are exactly this way.

He took my question personally, which I only partly understood. He has told me, on a number of occasions, that he can be exactly this: dense. When I want to be sure he gets something, I need to (gently) shake him by the shoulders to get his attention. So I told him that my question was a verbal "shake of the shoulders."

Then I sent him part of an article that explains some things. I'm not at all sure how accurate it is. The writer claims that many men do not care at all if their birthdays pass unnoticed. Others are content to down a few beers with their friends. [NB: many gay men may view things quite differently. ]

Women, on the other hand, expect that their boyfriends will remember their birthdays and do something special on that day. Not the next day or two weeks later.

On another subject, I will not start my new job tomorrow. The agency has not received my background check results. Then, too, my illegal drug test results are not in. The recruiter apologized, adding that the young women at the office who receives these results, and has sole access, was out sick today! This same type of delay was a problem before I started my downtown job.

So I will have tomorrow off. This is bad timing for me. I will not work Friday - it's Christmas Eve. I worked 2 hours today. I do not get paid for time I do not work. This is one of the many joys of contract work.

It's OK, though. Tomorrow morning, I will get my passport photo and paperwork submitted. I'll need the passport for getting to Montreal in April.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a fantastic year. You deserve it!

hugs, Stacy

[butterflyjack (imported)]

You certainly do put yourself right out there , Danya...Poor X ...Hehe..

I effing love this about you...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a fantastic year. You deserve it!

hugs, Stacy

Thanks for the good wishes Stacy. My birthday is still to come, late next week. With 'X', I have to allow a lot of lead t

ime. He is sweet and is trying his best.

Hugs,

Danya

You certainly do put yourself right out there , Danya...Poor X ...H

ehe..

I effing love this about you...smooches dragonfly

Hey Dragonfly,

As always, thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

_________________________________________

I just got word that everything is a go for starting my new job tomorrow. Background check and drug test results are both fine. Not a surprise to me. Companies, though, are very cautious these days.

It's good to have a day off. I'll stop by my bank to get my passport from my safe deposit box. Although it has my former name and photo, I'll need it to get the new one.

I'll likely spend part of the afternoon with 'X.' We may go to Chicago's Garfield Park Conservatory. This is a beautiful place and it is free. Along the way, I may stop to get the popcorn for my roommate. I looked up store locations on the web.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm posting this here because I will write some of my personal views about this season. At the same time, I do not intend to make this a religious or political argument. Someone here recently sent me a PM, noting that I describe a lot about my views of Chicago and downtown. At the same time, I give few details about what I actually do for a living. This is exactly my intention, although I was glad to give some specifics of my work life in a private response.

From what I write about my experiences in churches, positions I have held as a church organist and choir director and references to God people might draw conclusions about what I believe that are incomplete or even inaccurate. I'm not concerned about this. As with my job description, I deliberately leave out specifics about my personal religious beliefs. Some of you might be very surprised by what I believe and do not believe.

What I will say is this. I respect everyone's beliefs whether they happen to be based in Christianity or not. I do not view anyone else's faith, whatever it may be, as less valid than my own. I can relate to those who have no faith, too. For a time after I was assaulted, I truly felt the absence of love and believed there could not be a God. Certainly not a loving one.

With that in mind, I wish everyone the best for the holidays and the new year. For some, the best can mean that they make it through what can be a difficult time. There is the expectation that one will be happy, or should be, when this may not possible. So I left out "happy" from my wish to all. What I hope is that everyone is able to find some peace in their lives.

This is a link to a Jethro Tull song, from their album "Songs from the Wood." I was introduced to this song by a someone who is now a trusted friend:

"Ring Out Solstice Bells" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3woM079L_4)

[Danya (imported)]

My first day at my new job went very well. It was a much better experience than my first days at my downtown job. Several friends who work in fields related to mine predicted this would be the case.

My new work environment is very cool. It's in a western suburb, and while I miss downtown, I get a great view of the city from the 8th floor I'm on. The work spaces are very open. Everyone is very helpful. There are a lot of free 'goodies,' including Starbucks coffee, fresh fruit, bagels, oatmeal for breakfast, snacks and soda.

My commuting time is now, at most, one-third of what it was to get downtown. Plus, I do not have to pay to park.

For the recruiting agencie's background check, I had to disclose my former male name. When I did, there was no problem and the young woman helping me simply stated, "It's fine as long as you disclose the name change up front."

On the other hand, no one at this new company knows I am transgender. For this job, I decided not to tell anyone. This goes against the advice of my gender therapist. I haven't seen her in 4 - 5 months, so we never discussed the specifics for this job.

At the end of the day, I spent time speaking with a male contractor about my age. We had attended several meetings together earlier in the day. He mentioned that the men at these meetings (I was the only woman) treated me better than they ever did him. He's been there about a month. He definitely thought this was because of my gender.

I am really pleased with my new work ID photo. I look a lot like my favorite aunt. I may post that photo here for a few days.

I'm working on a huge e-commerce web project for.....I will not divulge the company here.

My new boss told me that I could get hired as a permanent employee. The company has been expanding quite rapidly for the last several years. If I am not offered a permanent position over the next 3 - 6 months, this project will give me more great experience to add to my resume.

There is the possibility that, should I still be a contract employee when GRS time arrives in mid-April, the company will want me to continue to work. I was pleased to hear that after three months, they will allow contractors to work remotely from home. After a 2-week recovery, I should be able to do this.

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

Glad to here that it went so well at your new job. I hope that you are able to become permanrnt there if you decide that is what you want.

Since they don't know that you are transgender how are you going to justify the time off for your surgery in April. Also, are they going to be accepting of it?

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Okay..here's my prediction...You'll be practically running the joint within a year or so...Those lucky bastards...They're going to find out about you shortly and thank their lucky stars they got you...Way to go! smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I will respond to Mac and Dragonfly another time. Tonight, I'm a little upset. I broke up with 'X.' Speaking with Erica Ann helped a lot and I will be back to normal soon. Right now, though, I am hurting and feel like a fool. I should have accepted the reality of things in our relationship long before tonight.

[Danya (imported)]

A friend from my days in upstate New York once told me "dating and finding the right person is like going to the park; you have to go through a lot of crap before you get to the swings."

"X" and I had a lot of fun times together. Last night, I thanked him for that and wished him well as he pursues his career goals.

Our relationship was my first since transitioning, so I learned a lot. I have a much better idea of what I want, where I am willing to compromise and mistakes to avoid next time. If there is a next time.

Unlike "X," I don't feel I need to be in an intimate relationship to be complete and live a full life. I may never find the right man. I am open to possibilities but not desperate.

This is the last time I will mention "X" here.

[Danya (imported)]

I arrived home this evening, having spent a relaxing and fun Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Erica Ann and her family. I am blessed to have both Erica Ann and her spouse in my life. They are part of my chosen family.

This morning, we went to the same church we attended last year. The music was very fine. When the introduction to the sung responsorial psalm was played, I noted to Erica Ann that this was the same musical setting they used last year. I loved it then and I did again today. As often happens when music moves me, I started to cry. My tears were not those of sadness but joy.

Unlike last year, the organ was used today, although it did not have a prominent role. In addition there were trumpets, a trombone, piano and a small set of tubular chimes. I jokingly told Erica Ann that the organist looked to be at about retirement age. I was imagining a potential job opening for me.

Like most years, I did not start listening to Christmas music until about 10 days ago. I soon discovered a Nigerian carol on one of my CDs that has sat unopened for several years. The music was performed at one of the Christmas concerts at my undergraduate college. I'd love to give out a link to the performance from my college but there is none and, more importantly, I would be handing out too much personal information. Yes, I know some of you are thinking "Too late to be concerned about that." Anyway, my admittedly biased opinion is that my school's rendition is the finest I have heard.

This carol is full of a strong, rhythmic, dance-like energy aided by a driving beat on several types of drums. This is particularly evident after the sung, slower introduction. Every time I listen to it, typically in the car, I sway my upper body, shoulders and head. I feel like getting out of the car and dancing. This reminds me of 'sacred dance,' which I first enjoyed during a church service many years ago.

Here is a link to Betelehemu (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8iW9AFr3VY), sung by a well-known choir in Salt Lake City. I'm listening to it now, streaming from this link.

Come February, I will likely drive hundreds of miles to hear the top choir from my college sing on their winter tour. A long time ago, when I was a teen living in the eastern megalopolis, I heard this choir at a concert in...one of those eastern megalopolitan metropolises. I already knew of the choir's reputation. Hearing them in a fine concert hall clinched it for me. I made the decision to go to this school. Back then, when I may have been smarter and even wiser, I wanted to be a music major. I started out as one at the college, too. Although I switched entirely to the sciences by the last half of my second year, I continued to take advantage of the many, frequent music performances at school.

I also continued my piano studies. I became bored with learning Haydn paino sonatos, Bach two-part inventions and similar things. Now, I value these for teaching technique and structure. Still, if I had been 'me' back then, I would have found another teacher more in line with the music I already knew I wanted to pursue.

I much prefer Beethoven's piano sonatas to Haydn's. There is one problem, though. Beethoven's piano sonatas are typically much more difficult to play. Not only are they longer but the music is, measure per measure, more challenging to master. But then, I've always enjoyed a challenge. It's part of that over-achieving thing I have noted. I am also mesmerized by the beauty of certain Beethoven piano sonatas. Nothing Haydn wrote affects me this way.

It was only later, when I took advanced organ lessons that I started to go crazy for J. S. Bach. Perhaps my favorite of his compositions for organ is the Prelude and Fugue ('Saint Anne') in E-flat Major. I learned this during my last stint with organ lessons, about five years ago in the Twin Cities. I had to memorize large sections of the work because it is so complex. On a pipe organ, playing this type of music requires two hands moving over multiple keyboards ('manuals') while simultaneously using both feet to play notes on the pedalboard that are often an entirely different melody from the hand parts. At the same time, one must make frequent changes to the selection of stops that affect the volume and tonal quality. This gets to be difficult.

__________________________________________________

____________

By writing about other things, I am deliberately diverting my attention away from the emotions I need to work through over the end of my relationship with my first boyfriend. I have spent time grieving and I am sure I will continue to grieve for a limited time. I realize I had a very rich life before we met. I'm already taking steps to reestablish my very active, single life. I do not like to stay at home and have no intention of moping about. I will return to spending more time on photography and actively looking for a place to play the piano and pipe organ.

At another time, I will write about what I learned from this relationship. It taught me a lot about myself, what I want, when I am willing to compromise and when I cannot without feeling I am being untrue to my core values.

Now I am crying and this is what I need to do, at times. In this relationship, I learned for the first time what it is like to be loved as a woman and to love a man in return. This was a gift.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi sweety...So sorry for your breakup...But, as usual, you have this amazing healing strength...Big smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi sweety...So sorry for your breakup...But, as usual, you have this amazing healing strength...Big smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm not sure I have 'amazing healing strength,' although I appreciate the compliment. Any strength I have is based on years of learning what works and what doesn't. There are times when I do not feel at all strong. Beyond a certain point, though, I accept that I need to push ahead no matter how I am feeling.

Hugs,

Danya

PS. The low res photo of me will be up for about a week. Then it's back to flower and landscape photos.

[kennath7 (imported)]

it it good to see that you are well , great photo , hope your holyday seasion was a blessing for you

[Danya (imported)]

I spent this afternoon and early evening visiting two places 'we' had frequented during our time together. My intention was to reclaim these as my own, solo spots. I had a great time all by myself.

1. Garfield Park Conservatory in Chicago, a series of large, beautifully landscaped greenhouses. There are some huge, old palm trees in the main room that are gorgeous. The holiday flower show is in progress. There is no admission.

2. Downtown - I miss it now that I am working in the suburbs. I took the 'L' to save on parking. Once there, I walked for about an hour.

I spent the early evening on my own for an early celebration of my birthday. It was very relaxing. A pina colada helped. I do not drink often but usually make an exception for special occasions.

I'm going to list some things I learned from my 7-month relationship. If you read these, you may decide that I am indeed quite foolish! That's OK. I was foolish in a teenage girl sort of way. If there is a next time, I want a relationship that is on a totally adult level, with room for child-like playfulness.

If anything I write sounds like a put-down of my ex-boyfriend, that is not my intention. I realized some time ago that he grew up under much less than ideal circumstances and that he has little clue as to how to maintain a relationship. I thought I could work with that. I offered to go to therapy with him. He didn't want to, saying he could teach the therapist a few things.

1. Any man (or woman?) in my future needs to be confident in who he is.

2. This person must not be intimidated by any of my real or perceived accomplishments.

Items 1 and 2 - I do not want to continually reassure someone central in my life that he or she is good enough for me. All the reassurances in the world did not help in this relationship. The other person must come into the relationship feeling capable and an equal, whatever type of job they hold or do not hold. Their educational attainment does not matter either, if we are a good match.

I frequently told 'him' how happy he made me. He did, much of the time. I also told him why this was so. I enjoyed the unabashed way he had of singing publicly and poking fun at art he thought was absurd. There were other good things, too.

3. This individual needs to reach the point of respecting me and believing that what I say is valid for me.

4. I did not tolerate disrespect in this just ended relationship and I will not in future ones. If I feel there is hope, I will work through such issues as they come up.

5. I will lead my own independent life whether I am in a relationship or not. I am quite happy displaying my inherent femininity, but not at the expense of giving up important parts of myself.

6. I expect a certain level of maturity for a relationship to be successful.

7. I have, rather reluctantly, concluded that for a relationship to be worth the effort, I would need someone who is at ease exchanging ideas and with independent thinking.

8. Bringing up the ex-spouse and ex-girlfriends on a regular basis is not acceptable. Nor is comparing me to one, or more, of them. If a man, or woman, truly feels I am like one of these people with whom they were unhappy then it is best they move on. The sooner the better. I discussed this every time it happened, thinking I had gotten my message across. I was wrong.

9. NOTE: I am not starting a political or religious discussion here. I'm merely speaking about my relationship. No matter how strongly one disagrees with the teachings and politics of the church one attends 'religiously,' expressing disagreements in the middle of a church service just doesn't work for me. When the congregants are asked to raise their hands to bless new Sunday School teachers, loudly hailing the fuhrer is way out of line. Even if the intent is 'to show that the emperor has no clothes.'

I value expressions of dissent and our freedom to do so publicly. I encouraged my ex-boyfriend to write to public officials, seek them out in their offices, work for political causes he believed in and so on. Even though his views were very different from mine. But publicly agreeing with a protester who compares our current president to someone who has committed major crimes against humanity just doesn't fly with me. Ever. If this happens even once in another relationship, I will end it on the spot.

10. In any future relationship, I need to feel free to express my deep emotions about music, art and other things. Without the need to frequently reassure the other person that it does not matter to me whether he or she has this same deep connection with the arts. This issue came up every few weeks, even though I spent wonderful times with the ex at pop and country concerts and had a blast. 'He' saw my emotions as a weakness while I felt strong and most fully myself at these times.

11. I would wish that anyone in a relationship with me would have an appreciation for cultures and people around this very small planet. And tolerance for those with differing beliefs.

12. Questioning my patriotism because I take more of a world view of things is not acceptable. I always agreed that we live in a dangerous world, so I was and am not naive.

There were many good things in this relationship, but on my end it was based on the heady rush of a first love. I am glad I had this experience. He wrote back to me that he feels the same way. I am also glad this is over.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Beautiful....as is the writer..Love the photo..You have great teeth..hehe

dragonfly

[JessicaH (imported)]

Thanks for sharing that with us. It has been so wonderful watching your story unfold over the years. Your new avater looks amazing! Thanks for posting!!!!

[Danya (imported)]

it it good to see that you are well , great photo , hope your holyday seasion was a blessing for you

Hi Kennath7,

I am doing very well. I'm glad you like my picture. I scanned it from my ID badge, which meant I had to do a lot of work in Photoshop to make it at all presentable. That's why it is not in sharp focus. In this photo,

I look a lot like my favorite aunt

did many years ago. She is long gone. I still remember her many kindnesses to me. She was the lone person in my family who encouraged my l

ove of music from the time I was 4 or 5 years old.

I hope your holiday season was g

ood, too.

Hugs,

Danya

Beautiful....as is the writer..Lo

ve the photo..You have great teeth..

hehe

dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for your kind remarks, as always. As these things sometimes go, someone writes a few words and I respond with paragraphs. By doing this, I am working through my emotions. Not my emotions about you, although you are a sweetheart.

I realized last night, as I wrote about what I expect in a relationship, that I was extremely angry at the 'ex.' For several weeks, I expected our relationship would not last much longer. I gave him his Christmas gift days early, thinking that the end our of relationship would soon arrive. I wanted him to have it no matter what happened.

The thing is, I should have ended this relationship many months ago. Why didn't I? I thought I'd be unable to find another man who would date a pre-op transsexual woman. I also enjoyed having someone in my life after moving to a new state under difficult circumstances. Besides, we did have many fun times together. Along the way, though, I made a number of errors in judgment. While I have certainly made mistakes before, lots of them, I have never made this many about one thing, or person.

Until the very end, though, I was trying to work things out even as they continued to unravel. Something happened the last time we met. He said something very unkind to me that showed nothing had really changed since we first met. I thought he was coming to at least partially understand me and it really seemed like our relationship was continuing to improve. I do not think I ever expected him to truly change, although I may be kidding myself. What I hoped was that with communication and understanding, we could get along better. Any improvement, though, was on the surface only. This hope was but one of my judgment errors. It was based on the assumption that he was open to reasonable communication. He only appeared to be.

When I met him that last evening, I asked him to be gentle with me as I was not in the best of moods and felt a little depressed. I have discussed depression with him a number of times, explaining that it is an illness. I had told him before that all I need at such times was a hug and a few words of support. Then I feel back to normal. I am seldom truly depressed now, certainly not for the amount of time to be concerned. Good medication is a wonderful thing.

He restated his view that depression is a character defect. I thought through our talks that he now accepted that this is not the case. Something complicates his view of depression. His ex-wife was 'supposedly', according to him, depressed a lot. He explained that she used this to manipulate him. Maybe she did. I am not her, however. He's also agreed before that I am not manipulative.

Thursday evening, instead of simply respecting my request to treat me gently, he said I should put on a 'happy face' for the good of our relationship. On several occasions, I've explained that if I have to pretend, to act like I am in a good mood at all times even when I am not, our relationship would never work. I thought he got this, too.

I responded calmly, at first, by asking for a hug and a few encouraging words.

What I got instead was I should just "snap out of 'it'", just as he does. He added that he admits he has a 'chip on his shoulder' about depression. Besides, he cannot 'see it' (depression) therefore it cannot be real.

I told him I could not do this anymore. I would not continue to rehash important things, when he simply cannot seem to get it. He went back to the 'happy face' line, saying that it was for the 'good of us.'

At this point, I'd had more than enough. I started to get angry. He reacted by saying we should go into the restaurant to continue to talk. At last, I realized there was absolutely no point in any more talking and that I had no desire for there to be an 'us.' There was no way I wanted to go into the restaurant with him. I told him I would drive him home. Along the way, I quite freely expressed my anger, with some well chosen expletives and a little explanation of why I was so angry. No one here, or elsewhere, has ever seen me this angry. Some may find it hard to believe that I was actually shouting. It's true. I was so upset because he was so boldly stating that my feelings were invalid.

Despite my anger, when I dropped him off at his home he asked if I wanted to get together the next day! "No, good night," I responded in a cool tone of voice. Then he asked if I wanted to get together Christmas Day. Again, "No, good night."

The reality is, he has many down, moody times of his own. When he has been discouraged about school, wanting to quit, I have listened sympathetically and offered encouragement. One evening at Hunter's nightclub, when I had dressed well for him, as we sat at the bar together I put my nylon-clad legs across his lap. He totally ignored me. I already knew, though, that he was upset about school and I did not take it personally.

So much for my writing a few nights back that I would never mention 'him' again. It really is therapeutic for me to write this.

In hindsight, I have my suspicions of why he behaved so poorly that last evening. I base this on several things he said in the few days before this. I think he was afraid of losing me but did not know how to talk to me about it. His insistence that I put on a 'happy face' may have been to reassure himself that everything was, after all, fine. He'd alluded to his fears two days earlier. He thought he had to do all kinds of impressive things for my birthday to keep me happy. He was willing to do anything I wanted to keep the relationship going. Including arranging a dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. At that point, I asked him when I had ever indicated that expensive things mattered to me. He answered, "Never." I told him he need do nothing more than give me a card and a $5 pair of earrings. I've always told him I do not care how much money he makes. He never believed me, saying he did not understand why I did not go out with someone who was 'successful.' His definition of success was money and lots of it. That's near the bottom of my list.

Whatever was at the root of his behavior, I still have a lot of empathy for him. I know that he is hurting and, like many of us, is fearful of the unknown. He seems to be more fearful than most. The world is changing in ways he does not understand. This does not excuse his frequently poor decisions and actions. I still believe that he, like most people, wants to treat others well and do the right thing. He just has no clue how, and I now totally understand that I can not get him to that point. That saddens me. I might wish I could easily dismiss the whole experience with "to hell with him," but I cannot. I am, however, over him.

I will likely always wonder how he is doing. Hoping that he succeeds in his life goals. Over the fall semester, I put a lot of effort into helping him with his studies. I know how hard he is working to get through school under difficult circumstances. But I will never get back with him. While there were times he made me very happy, this relationship had to end because there were far too many other times when his behavior was appallingly bad. I need, and deserve, more of certain things he cannot provide (see my last post on what I now expect from a relationship, including mutual respect). A book I am reading says that unconditional love is great in a relationship, but only after the conditions for a good relationship are met. I wholeheartedly agree.

Now, although I will not be silly enough to make another prom

ise, I think this ends what I will say on this subject. I made mistakes in this relationship, too. I have learned a lot from those. My first mistake was

not putting a halt to this relationship much sooner.

Hugs,

Danya

Thanks for sharing that with us. It has been so wonderful watching your story unfold over the years. Your new avater looks amazing! Thanks for posting!!!!

Hi Stacy,

As always, you are a sweetie. Thanks for your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

[Mac (imported)]

Hi Kennath7,

I am doing very well. I'm glad you like my picture. I scanned it from my ID badge, which meant I had to do a lot of work in Photoshop to make it at all presentable. That's why it is not in sharp focus. In this photo,

3068700]
I look a lot like my favorite aunt

did many years ago. She is long gone. I still remember her many kindnesses to me. She
[/quote]
was the lone person in my family who encouraged my love of music from the time I was 4 or 5 years old.

I hope your holiday season was good, too.

Hugs,

Danya

You look great in that photo. Best wishes in your new job and with any future relationship. You deserve the best of both.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wow...what an unloading, sweety...You just might be one of the kindest people I have ever known...and you suffered because of it, this time.

I sensed that behind a lot of this acceptance of X's shortcomings, was a need for some affection...even if it came with some flaws....I'm so glad you've emerged from this relatively unscathed (at least on the surface)...You deserve much better...so much better...

If you'd put those nylon covered limbs over my lap, I couldn't be responsible for my reaction...Gawd that sounds erotic..

As ever, be well and Moocho Smoochos....dragonfly

[JessicaH (imported)]

While I did notice that you taled about "ex" after you said you weren't going to talk about "X", I was happy to see that you did since I could tell that it was a difficult thing to go through for you. It is an important part of your story and the hurt and dissapointment don't just go away when you decide that you can't put anymore of yourself into a realtionship that you know is not going to work out, even if you do love that person.

So again, thanks for sharing that very personal follow up to your story. I'm sure it has been an incredible experience to have had your first relationship as "yourself" and now you know what you are really lookin for and even more importan, "what you're NOT looking for." When we end dead end relationships, we make ourselves available to finding someone else who will treat us with kindness and respect and possibly true love.

You are a wonderful lady and any man would be lucky to share your life with you. You are so incredibly talented and interesting which is not very common with most people. I'm honored to call you friend and I would love to meet you sometime and spend a day just talking with each other (well, maybe a little shopping in Chicago.. lol. )

Take care and keep your heart open to others and you will find the man that love and respect you and set your heart on fire. Just don't go looking for it or you will never find him! Unfortunately, it always seems you have to give up on finding the right person then they jsut drop in your lap!

Hugs, Stacy

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Or...put your legs in one's lap...Hehehe Nice missal Tracy...

smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

To be fair, at least as fair as I can be, 'X' thought my need to explain things to him showed I did not accept him the way he was. While I did not accept some of his behavior, and told him so, I may not have been entirely accepting in other ways. I'm too personally involved to understand everything that went on between us. I wanted him to understand me. I thought I had a fair understanding of him, but that was presumptuous.

You look great in that photo. Best wishes in your new job and with any future relationship. You deserve the best of both.

Hi Mac,

[quote="Danya (imported)" time

=1291585560]
Thanks for the compliment. I

appreciate your good wishes, too.

Hugs,

Danya

Wow...what an unloading, sweety...You
[/quote]
just might be one of the kindest people I have ever known...and you suffered because of it, this time.

Thanks for your kind remarks, Dragonfly. It would have been better had I not been so angry with 'X' that last night. I told him I was starting to get very angry, and he said he'd pay money to see that. He saw and heard my anger, and I am not proud of it. I don't think uncontrolled anger is helpful. It would have been better for both of us if I kept a calmer attitude and ended thin

gs with some grace. Instead of waiting until I was ready to crack, I should have parted ways much sooner.

I sensed that behind a lot of this acceptance of X's shortcomings, was a need for some affection...even if it came with some flaws....I'm so glad you've emerged

from this relatively unscathed (at least on the surface)...You deserve much better...so much better...

This is still a difficult time for me. I have no permanent job and some of the benefits that come with one. Economists are saying that for some time to come a higher percentage of jobs than ever will be contract jobs just like the one I have. I may yet move again. I usually succeed at taking things a day at a time. That's not working so far this week. I feel very alone. Tonight is one of the

rare times I feel like hiding under the covers and never leaving home again. I know, though, that I will get back to my normal self soon.

Yes, I need affection and I hope someday to have a compatible lover.

Hugs,

Danya

While I did notice that you taled about "ex" after you said you weren't going to talk about "X", I was happy to see that you did since I could tell that it was a difficult thing to go through for you. It is an im

portant part of your story and the hurt and dissapointment don't just go away when you decide that you can't put anymore of yourself into a realtionship that you know is not going to work out, even i

f you do love that person.

Thanks, Stacy, for understanding. I did love him and still care about him; I'm still hurting, too. Writing about the last time I saw him was one of the most difficult things I have done on this site.

So again, thanks for sharing that very personal follow up to your story. I'm sure it has been an incredible experience to have had your first relationship as "yourself" and now you know what you are real

ly lookin for and even more importan, "what you're NOT looking for." When we end dead end relationships, we

make ourselves available to finding someone else who will treat us with kindness and respect and possibly true love.

What I wrote was so personal I'm a little embarassed no

w. You are correct, this was a dead end relationship.

You are a wonderful lady and any man would be lucky to share your life with you. You are so incredibly talented and interesting which is not very common with most people.

Since I was very young, I felt isolated from other kids because my

talents and interests were very different from theirs.

Thanks for being so very understanding. I'm not sure many men want 'talented and interesting.' I may be wrong.

For that right man, I will very willingly offer more.

I'm honored to call you friend and I would love to meet you sometime

and spend a day just talking with each other (well, maybe a little shopping in Chicago.. lol. )

I am very pleased we are friends and I would be thrilled to meet you sometime. There's lots of terrific shopping in Chicago.

Take care and keep your heart open to others and you will find the man that love a

nd respect you and set your heart on fire. Just don't go looking for it or you will never find him! Unfortunately, it always seems you have to give up on finding the right person then they jsut drop in your lap!

Hugs, Stacy

I agree with you. I will go about my life doing what gives me joy. Along the way, just by being me, the right man may just happen by.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a caring response.

Hugs,

Danya

[JessicaH (imported)]

I forgot one thing that I meant to add, and it may sound superficial, but you look wonderful! You look so different from tho other photo that you shared with me last year and I mean that in a REALLY good way.

It's funny, but I think I still remember your first avatar. For some reason I remember you, your story, your avatar but I can't remember your original screen name... lol. I think your first avatar was a photo of the inside of a vase or glass. I remember you changed it after I asked you what it was and I said it looked like the riflings of the inside of a gun barrel. lol.

I hope you find peace with everything soon. I guarantee you that there are men who enjoy a woman with a strong spirit and great talent. Do what you love and enjoy because that is where you are most likely to find someone who appreciates your loves and interests.

Your friend,

Stacy Hightower