My life

[Danya (imported)]

Lithium is a mood stabilizer for MANIC DEPRESSIVES, not for just depression alone. There are better choices for just anti-depressant medication.

Be careful with the Lithium. It has a very fine line between therapeutic levels and toxic levels. DO the lab work as prescribed and do EXACTLY the dosing that the doctor prescribes. Doing otherwise can cause irreparable harm to your body organs and physiology.

Most of all, MAKE SURE YOUR DOCTOR WHO PRESCRIBES THIS MEDICATION IS a knowledgeable specialist.

Hi A-1,

I am bipolar (i.e., manic-depressive, for those who are not familiar with this term).

I appreciate your advice and concern. I agree with you. My research this evening convinces me that I do not want to try lithium again. I am particularly concerned about long-term effects on things like kidney function. Even with regular monitoring of lithium blood levels. I'll need to find a better option.

Thanks for writing.

Best wishes,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Late this afternoon, I phoned my HRT doctor to get my latest blood test results. Everything was fine. My total cholesterol and HDL/LDL ratio continue to be excellent. I'm very pleased by these results. Before I transitioned, I was taking a prescription to lower high triglycerides. After consulting with my physician about two years ago, I stopped this medication and have been fine without it.

I have been using 5 cc of injectable estradiol, once a week, for a month. My blood level is a disappointing 136 pg/ml a week after my last dose. Dr. 'M' would prefer it be between 211 and 420 pg/ml. To remedy this, he suggested starting 7 cc per week.

At this point I started to ask questions. My own research, partly through Google Scholar, turned up a number of studies on male-to-female transsexuals being treated with estradiol. Too high levels of this hormone can indeed lead to depression in these patients. As can spikes in estradiol.

My doctor then told me that, just yesterday, he saw another transsexual who has been using injectable estradiol. She, like me, has a history of major depression. The mood swings, with fairly severe depression for a day or more after an injection, were getting to be too much for her. She decided to return to sublingual pills.

I told him that I thought I was experiencing increased moodiness. He changed his recommended dose increase from 7 cc to 6 cc per week. His idea was that a smaller increase might allow me to adapt better. I will try this for a week or two.

These mood swings probably contributed to the intensity of my anger with 'X' the night we broke up. If my mood had been better, I suspect I still would have broken things off. I just would have done that more gently.

I may yet go back to the pills, even though they will not give me as much feminization as I would like. The pills, and before that the patch, both gave me a steady estradiol level of about 130, and that left me feeling very calm. I cannot tolerate feeling really down for two days each week. This is not good for my job performance. I felt so bad Tuesday evening that I did something I have not done in years. I went to bed very early because I could not handle my down emotions. Years ago I realized that when I am very down I need to be active and not yield to the desire to vegetate.

Feeling so down contributed to the panic I felt on the job earlier in the week. My mental well being will always trump my desire for more feminization.

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My new work environment continues to be much more pleasant than my last gig downtown. Everyone works hard but they do not take themselves as seriously as those city folks.

I do not mind dressing casually every day, although I was happy to see this week that a few women wore skirts and tops. I will, too, once or twice next week.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wow Danya, you've sure got a plateful...You continue to amaze me...

Just keep your goals in mind...Soon all this crap will be behind you...

big smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Dragonfly,

Believe me, I do not feel amazing although I appreciate your comment. Thanks for the advice on keeping my goals in mind. I agree.

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This afternoon, I spoke with Erica Ann and her spouse. Both gave me useful information about how transwomen react to higher levels of estradiol. There comments comfirmed what I have read. Some trans women become very moody, with periods of feeling low, just like me.

I am happy with the heightened emotions I've experienced since I started estrogen HRT back in June, 2008. I often cry when I hear wonderful music and when I see beautiful sunsets and so on. All my life I have done this. It's much more intense now and I really like this.

But if I now start to have, on a much higher estradiol dose, too many, and too low, emotional downs this may be a problem for me. I need to be cautious here.

I'm continuing to struggle with mood swings. I made another appointment with my HRT doctor for Monday evening to discuss this further. If he can assure me this will become less of an issue with time, I can tolerate my moodiness. There are additional considerations, though, that still may mean I decide to go back to the estradiol sublingual pill for a few months.

I've already mentioned these (I think ):

1. If I decide to switch antidepressants, because of the outrageously high cost of my current med, this is not a good time to have the additional burden of adjusting to mood swings from high doses of injectable estrogen.

2. The injections are causing what appear to be gall bladder spasms. Later in the week, I will have an ultrasound to see if gallstones are the problem. I want to avoid surgery if at all possible.

I'll see what the good doctor thinks about using the injectable estradiol twice rather than once a week. Of course, I'd halve the dose. This would keep my estradiol level more constant AND it might eliminate my abdominal pain.

The injectable estradiol is in a cottonseed

oil base. Oils and fats exacerbate gallbladder problem

s.

I have switched to a much lower fat diet to help.

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For a few days last week, I finally faced some of my fears related to gender reassignment surgery. I needed to work through these so I could relax.

1. I have never been in the hospital for longer than an overnight stay. With GRS, the hospital stay is longer and you typically do not return home for up to two weeks. I hate being in the hospital. This is painful surgery, too.

2. Even though I was able to find a job within 2 1/2 months of moving here, and a second job before the first ran out I am still anxious about leaving a job for surgery. Particularly in this economy.

As it is, the stated contract length for this position is 3 - 6 months. It may end right before I'd need to announce I am leaving for my April appointment in Montreal. If it is extended past 3 months, or even 'worse' , if they offer me a permanent job I know how I will handle it.

In no case will I tell my hiring manager that I need time off for GRS. I will tell him that I had plans, made before I started, for mid-April. Those will require me to be out of the office for at least 4 weeks. I will add that I will lose thousands of dollars if I change plans.

If I am offered a permanent job, I will explain this to the HR department. By law, they cannot share this information within the department.

If I have to cancel surgery mere weeks beforehand, I will lose thousands of dollars. As the time nears, I must continue to send deposits that become larger the nearer the date becomes.

I would tell me boss that, after two weeks, I would be able to work two weeks from home before returning to the office.

Part of 'the plan' for moving to the Chicago area was to be able to have GRS. By first finding a job. I have landed two since moving here, the second before the first contract was up.

I found it interesting that a top guy at my new recruiting agency gave a talk at their suburban Chicago office. He listed why this is such a great area for IT-related jobs. My recruiter shared this with me the day I was hired. Many of the points made at the talk matched closely with the research I had done before deciding to move here. This was comforting, since I considered my analysis amateur at best.

The agency's suburban Chicago office makes more placements that any other region except Washington, DC. Their downtown Chicago office does not do nearly so well.

The recruiter confirmed what others have recently told me. The market here for IT-related jobs is gaining strength. It was never really that weak. This is in part due to the number of corporate headquarters and major branch offices here. It's also related to the variety of industries that hire people with my skills.

I need to keep all of this in mind. I am confident I can find another job after I have recovered from surgery.

3. Rather than spend savings on GRS, I could keep the money for retirement. I am now 59, after all. This is my view of things for me: I look at surgery as a quality of life and health issue. Still, I look at the decision to go forward with surgery as risky. Then again, I have taken big risks before that have paid off.

When I first transitioned, a friend at the office told me about her father. He started to transition in his mid-60s. Fairly typically, my friend and her family were have difficulty dealing with dad being a woman. They were doing their best to be supportive. After only a year, her father got very ill and died a few months later. The woman he had become had one major regret: not being able to fully transition. I do not want regrets down the road.

After surgery, I will continue to live simply and save as much money as possible.

4. I even questioned my reasons for wanting GRS. Do I need GRS to be happy? Ultimately, the answer is No. I know I am a woman and everyone recognizes me as one. Surgery will not change this. I agree with those who say it is who we know ourselves to be that tells us who we are. If I did not fully accept myself as a transgender woman, surgery would not make me a woman.

I want to have GRS for me. Although I'd like to meet someone for a long term relationship, that is a secondary reason for surgery. Although I do not expect it to magically change me, I will be much more comfortable. I want my physical body to match who I know I am.

I want the freedom to, potentially, experience intimate love fully as a woman. I also want the freedom to move and find employment anywhere in the country, or even outside it, without question or concern.

5. My final consideration was that there will never be a better time for surgery, just as there is no best time to have a baby. As I get older, the likelihood of heal

th problems making me ineligible for surgery increases.

If I wait until I have a permanent job to plan s

ur

gery, I would need to wait another year to be eligible for planned personal leave. The time to act is now.

[qu

ote="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
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I have joined my suburban city's fitness club. They h

ave an indoor track. I intend to walk for a least an hour most days. This will help improve my mood and I

need to be doing weight-bearing exercise to help with my

osteoporosis.

With the senior citizen discount, this costs only about $40/year. This is a great deal.

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To get out and socialize while I pursue my interests, I have joined a Chicago digital photographers group. They have regular get togethers to go on local 'shooting' trips, share tip

s and constructive criticism and so on.

In the Twin C

ities, there about two such groups. Here, there are at least 15. One sounded promising: the Nude and Erotic photography group.

I typically shoot landscape,

10840]
macro and architectural photos. I'd like to lea

rn more about pho
[/quote]
tographing people and models. There are several groups for this. I just need to decide which to join.

Tonight, I'm exploring other social outlets.

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imported)" time=12929[quote="Danya (imported)" time=12

94110840]
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If the weather is decent next Saturday, I will travel to a location west of the city. Bald eagles congregate there in the cold months. I've seen bald eagles but nev

er photographed one.

[quote="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460

]
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I found a local website that lists free pipe organ and piano recitals. I will go to these when I have the time. This is a another good way to meet people with similar interests.

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This morning, I went to a Lutheran church service. I was raised in the liberal end of the Lutheran spectrum. This congregation publicly welcomes GLBT people and will perform same sex marriage blessings. Another big draw for me is that the service was 'traditional.' I wanted something where they would make prominent use of the organ. They had a decent choir, too.

I may explore some non-Christian worship services, too.

The Baha'i House of Worship for the North American Continent (http://www.bahai.us/bahai-temple) is not too far away. I first saw this beautiful temple with 'X.' He took me there last summer. We were able to sit inside for awhile. The quietness of the well-lit, very open and architechturally gorgeous interior was very calming.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

I'll see what the good doctor thinks about using the injectable estradiol twice rather than once a week. Of course, I'd halve the dose. This would keep my estradiol level more constant AND it might eliminate my abdominal pain.

Hi Danya. This sounds like a very good idea based on the symptoms you have been experiencing. I believe our doctor will agree.

For a few days last week, I finally faced some of my fears related to gender reassignment surgery. I needed to work through these so I could relax.

1. I have never been in the hospital for longer than an overnight stay. With GRS, the hospital stay is longer and you typically do not return home for up to two weeks. I hate being in the hospital. This is painful surgery, too.

It's quite normal to experience some anxiety when facing major surgery. It was also the first time I ever spent in a hospital myself, but it was not the unpleasant experience I thought it would be and yes this surgery is somewhat painful especially the first few days, but after the first few days the recovery became easier and easier. The recovery period is why I suggested that someone accompany you. You will find that it it very reassuring to have someone with you and for the assistance they can offer with simple tasks like just getting up out of a chair. One other girl who had her GRS the same day I had mine was there alone and it was much more difficult for her. The final outcome is well worth the temporary pain and discomfort.

If I am offered a permanent job, I will explain this to the HR department. By law, they cannot share this information within the department.

Be careful with that thought. By law they may not being able to share this information, but people do tend to "gossip" especially with what I call "interesting information" if you know what I mean.

Rather than spend savings on GRS, I could keep the money for retirement. I am now 59, after all. This is my view of things for me: I look at surgery as a quality of life and health issue. Still, I look at the decision to go forward with surgery as risky. Then again, I have taken big risks before that have paid off.

There are always risks in life, but you have faced risks before like the decision to transition and have come through just fine. Taking risks in life is what makes life interesting and worth living.

I even questioned my reasons for wanting GRS. Do I need GRS to be happy? Ultimately, the answer is No. I know I am a woman and everyone recognizes me as one. Surgery will not change this. I agree with those who say it is who we know ourselves to be that tells us who we are. If I did not fully accept myself as a transgender woman, surgery would not make me a woman.

We all have our own reasons for wanting the surgery, but the best one I can think of is doing for ourselves. There was a great feeling of finally being "complete" in my own mind when I awoke after my GRS. For the first time in my life my body and my mind were one in being. Do it for you if no one else.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya. This sounds like a very good idea based on the symptoms you have been experiencing. I believe our doctor will agree.

Hi Erica Ann,

I cannot believe that doing injections twice a week at half the dose, instead of once a week, is the one thing I forgot to discuss with our doctor. :-\

I'll talk about my hormone levels, which are still a problem, in another post.

It's quite normal to experience some anxiety when facing major surgery. It was also the first time I ever spent in a hospital myself, but it was not the unpleasant experience I thought it would be and yes this surgery is somewhat painful especially the first few days, but after the first few days the recovery became easier and easier. The recovery period is why I suggested that someone accompany you. You will find that it it very reassuring to have someone with you and for the assistance they can offer with simple tasks like just getting up out of a chair. One other girl who had her GRS the same day I had mine was there alone and it was much more difficult for her. The final outcome is well worth the temporary pain and discomfort.

I am going to assume that my experience will be similar to yours. After surgery, I will have some pain but not unbearable pain. I'm certain having someone there to help is a great idea.

Be careful with that thought. By law they may not being able to share this information, but people do tend to "gossip" especially with what I call "interesting information" if you know what I mean.

I agree with you.

There are always risks in life, but you have faced risks before like the decision to transition and have come through just fine. Taking risks in life is what makes life interesting and worth living.

I have taken a number of rather large risks in my life, generally after giving things a lot of thought first.

The only way I was able to move forward with transitioning was to stop relying on thinking and trust my feelings (or the Force, or.... ). Now I need to trust my feelings, too.

I spoke with our doctor about this last night. Although I'm not certain his opinion is unbiased, I know he says exactly what he thinks. I gave a summary of where I am at in my life, my finances, job prospects, transition and what I want most from life. I told him I would view him as a wise uncle. [Eventhough at times he can talk like a 'wise ass' uncle, which I somehow find endearing.] In light of everything I told him, he immediately responded that my decision to keep my April 19 surgery date makes perfect sense.

We all have our own reasons for wanting the surgery, but the best one I can think of is doing for ourselves. There was a great feeling of finally being "complete" in my own mind when I awoke after my GRS. For the first time in my life my body and my mind were one in being. Do it for you if no one else.

This is exactly what I want, for my mind and body to match. The mind and body do not exist apart.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.

Hi OneBallBoi,

You are such a sweetheart

. Thanks for your kind words.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

My new employer is happy with my work. Late Friday, my boss told me that he had received excellent reports from people within his group. This was good to hear. At the downtown job, my boss always went to special pains to emphasize that people outside her group were thrilled with my work.

For now, I have no idea if I will be offered a permanent job. I learned last week that the company has a hiring freeze. My boss told us that this very well may be temporary.

Tuesday morning, I will lead a meeting to discuss my work, get feedback and find out ways to help on additional projects.

My new boss also told me that I am "stealth but do excellent work." I in no way think he was implying I am living in "stealth" mode. He meant stealth as 'unobtrusive.' I have always kept a low profile on jobs, partly as self-protection. When I had a higher profile job as a research chemist, I also got more hassle from management. There was no way I could avoid getting heavily involved in laboratory and corporate politics. Sticking to my own work and concerns as much as possible, however, served me well.

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Although my estrogen level is higher on injections and approaching the minimum my doctor prefers for TS patients, he said my testosterone is now too low. It is, in fact, below the test detection limit. This may be why I feel so low on energy. I'm going to get in at least

45 minutes of walking every day to try to alleviate t

="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
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Thursday afternoon, I had an ultrasound exam for gallstones. I should find out what's going on by late Monday.

[Danya (imported)]

After giving it some thought, I decided to delete the very serious parts of this post. For the first time, it was not therapeutic for me to write about certain things. What follows is much shorter than the original.

I got the good news last night that my gallbladder is 100% normal. Hooray! No gallstones, no possible need for surgery. I may have a peptic ulcer. After I filled him in on some details, my doctor agreed that if I have an ulcer it may be medication related. We'll find out.

I also spoke with the good doctor, again, about my 'too low' testosterone level. Natal women have some testosterone. Mine is

below the test detection limit.

I asked if this could account for my low energy and down moods. This is when he chimed in with "You seem to be doing fine." C

onsidering everything going on in my life, I am.

He agreed that we probably need to do something about my relative lack of testosterone. So the next time I see him, in a few weeks for blood work, we will discuss starting testosterone injections, at a low level of course. In fact, I will make an appointment for as soon as I can get one. I cannot wait a few weeks. I'm having trouble dealing with feeling tired nearly every waking moment. I feel tired when I get up, through the day, and I no longer experience my 'night person' energy. Too low testosterone in women is also associated with depression. Bingo! This has got to stop, and soon.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I really hope that a little T does the trick for you. It sound like it may very well be the cause of your down mood and low energy.

Big hug, Stacy

[Danya (imported)]

I really hope that a little T does the trick for you. It sound like it may very well be the cause of your down mood and low energy.

Big hug, Stacy

Hi Stacy,

It's always good to hear from you.

I have a Friday evening appointment with my HRT doctor. He let me know the last time I saw him that testosterone HRT would be good for me. When he said that, my first thought was "This is really strange. " Even though I understand the role T plays in natal women. HRT with estradiol I totally get, of course, as a male-to-female transsexual. I know other MtF trans

sexuals. None, to my knowledge, h

as a T level that is below the test detection limit.

When I spoke to my doctor again Monday evening, to get my gallbladder ultrasound results, I brought up the T issue again. He told me that I am effectively chemically castrated. I certainly agreed with that. He added my exceptionally low T level would contribute to low energy and down moods.

I'm just not thrilled about adding yet another medication to my arsenal of [quote="Danya

" time=1292939460]
pills, a patch and an inhaler. I

will do what I must.

Hugs,

Danya

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I saw my psychiatrist early this morning, before work. He is probably 70 or older and seems to be more old school as far as his methods go. Many, perhaps most, contemporary psychiatrists do little therapy. They prescribe drugs and leave the therapy to psychologists or certain social workers.

Mine, though, spends a lot of time discussing life issues. He also has shared some of his personal experience with depression and how he has dealt with it.

He told me I might not need an antidepressant once I have GRS and get to a more stable employment situation. This may be true. On another visit, though, he told me that since I had not undergone intensive psychotherapy starting as a teen and ending in my late 20s, medication was a good option.

After GRS, I will have some sense of completion for my multi-year transition journey. My transition expenses in general will drop dramatically by that time, too. The financial strain will be much less.

I told him I needed to switch antidepressants. He's well aware of the close to $700 cost for a month's supply of my 'miracle' monoamine oxidase inhibitor patch. This is not available at a lower cost through a Canadian pharmacy. Nor is it available as a generic drug.

Sometime late next month, I'll switch to an antidepr

essant I've used before. I am no longer the same per[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1294620240]
son who needed the miracle antidepressant. Being who

I was always meant to be has given me an ongoing joy i

n life that I did not anticipate. I'm also more confi

dent now. So I am hopeful I will continue to do well.

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In my last post, I initially wrote at length about being an emotionally abandoned child. I've discussed this here before. This time, though, I was delving into things more deeply than I ever have. Either privately or with a therapist. This turned out to be far too painful.

Years ago, a therapist told me there are some things that are best left untouched. Attempting to work through them might not be worth the trauma, particularly if they are not causing major life problems. I agree. As I wrote last night, I was getting into territory I really need to avoid. That's when I deleted several long paragraphs.

As I wrote, though, I realized two important things for the first time:

1. My two younger brothers, the only living members of my immediate family, rejected me after I transitioned. I wrote about this here on my original transition thread. Last night, I finally understood that they were abandoning me for the same reason as my parents. This may be obvious to some who know me, but it wasn't to me. Neither my parents or my brothers were able to accept me for who I am. For some reason, knowing parents and brothers were reacting the same way was comforting. I suppose by linking their lack of acceptance to their own experiences with my parents, they are in a way removed from the picture.

2. Through a lot of therapy, I worked through many issues over never being a child. Briefly, sort of , I was always a little adult and never after the age of 4 or so participated in normal childhood activities. I talked my mother out of committing suicide. My parents actively prevented me from doing girl type things when I was very young. As an older child, there were times when I said things like "I won't run around with my shirt off, girls don't have to do that." As a teen, I rebelled a total of-----once.

I did not fit in with the neighborhood and school boys. In fact, I tried to stay away from them. I knew I was not one of them. I could not believe that I was supposed to be the same as the vulgar, obnoxious, aggressive teen males around me. I made no effort to fit in with them. I was not capable of pulling that one off and I was not motivated to try. I got along very well with female classmates and they liked me. They did not want to include me in their groups, though.

I was isolated and my parents left me on my own to navigate 'childhood.' So I made my own very un-childlike world for escape. This isolated bubble I inhabited was centered on playing the piano, with intensity and unchildlike persistence, and gardening. I had a huge vegetable garden and a number of large flower beds. I was very good at gardening, too. Music, plants and flowers were all beautiful things that kept me going.

I really thought his was going to be shorter.

As an adult, people told me how much they enjoyed just hearing me practice the piano or organ and that they wished they could play like me. I thought "You have no idea why I can play this way or the price I paid to get here. What I lost along the way" I have always poured my emotions into practicing and performing music. I can easily draw on emotions of deep sadness and great joy. Both are imporant in music.

I did not intend to go into this much detail. You may find this hard to believe! That's OK. Tonight, I'm leaving out the most painful parts and writing is helping me.

To the point of item 2, at last. Yesterday, for the first time, I realized that while I have dealt with my e

motional abandonment in therapy, I have never gotten

angry with my parents.

Anger can be good for getti

ng rid of some baggage I still carry. My parents are long gone. T

hat does not matter. Accepting and express

ing my anger in private, or with a therapist, would be

a good thing. But only for a limited time. Then I wo

uld need to let go of my anger. To do otherwise would mean I am

accepting the role of victim. I would be g

iving up my very real adult power to run my own life.

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There are other things I want to write about. I don't have the time tonight.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I am glad you are able to work through some of these issues that have been with you for so long. I agree whole heartedly with your therapist that some things are best left forgotten. I think too many therapist try to drag stuff back out that needs to stay forgotten. I was touched in inapropriate ways by my brother when I was about 4 or 5 and he is three years older than me. I have NEVER said anything to anyone and have never even hinted to him that I remember. I don't think it damaged me in any way (maybe some would disagree ...lol) but I was always more worried about WHO put those ideas in HIS head since he was only 7 or 8 years old at the time.

I know he would be mortified if I were to tell him that I remembered and couldnt do that to him. Dragging up that past would only do bad things.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wow, Danya, I find myself looking back through my life, comparing yours to mine...There are some similarities...

I like Stacy's consideration for her brother's feelings about something he did as a young child...I agree that all it would do is embarrass him, and maybe ruin her relationship with her brother...Thoughtful and kind...

As far as parental wrongdoings; I look back at my dad and mom...mostly with sorrow...We coulda been contendahs...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I am glad you are able to work through some of these issues that have been with you for so long. I agree whole heartedly with your therapist that some things are best left forgotten. I think too many therapist try to drag stuff back out that needs to stay forgotten. I was touched in inapropriate ways by my brother when I was about 4 or 5 and he is three years older than me. I have NEVER said anything to anyone and have never even hinted to him that I remember. I don't think it damaged me in any way (maybe some would disagree ...lol) but I was always more worried about WHO put those ideas in HIS head since he was only 7 or 8 years old at the time.

I know he would be mortified if I were to tell him that I remembered and couldnt do that to him. Dragging up that past would only do bad things.

I think you have taken exactly the right ap

proach. It's great you are able to handle it this way.

Wow, Danya, I find myself looking back through my life, comparing yours to mine...There are some similarities...

I like Stacy's consideration for her brother's feelings about something he did as a young child...I agree that all it would do is embarrass him, and maybe ruin her relationship with her brother...Thoughtful and kind...

As far as parental wrongdoings; I look back at my dad and mom...mostly with

sorrow...We coulda been contendahs...smooches dragonfly

I, too, look back at my mother and father mostly with sorrow. Even as a child, I could rarely bring myself to call them Mom and Dad. They were too removed from my life.

I want to make it clear that I know my parents did the best they could by me. I always knew this. That's what makes it difficult for an emotionally abused child to accept the reality of his or her family life. When I was first told I was emotionally abandoned/abused, I responded that my parents loved me. They were my parents after all. I had a home, more than enough food, we went on vacations and so on.

Despite everything, I miss my parents. Partly because I have lost my remaining immediate family members.I also have the perhaps unrealistic idea that my father, if not my mother, would eventually have accepted my transsexualism.

[JessicaH (imported)]

I would like to make a point about parents. Most parents do the best by their kids that is within THEIR capabilities. I could write a book about the shortcomings of my father but I do have to give him credit that he was a better father than his father and his father was better than his. I think parent grow beyond their own parents and most people only have a limited capacity to grow beyond what they grew up with.

I know you don't have children of your own but I think you would have made a wonderful father or mother for any child! Thanks again for sharing so much of yourself and please don't take anything I have said to minimize any neglect or abuse that you have suffered.

Much love, Stacy

[Danya (imported)]

I would like to make a point about parents. Most parents do the best by their kids that is within THEIR capabilities. I could write a book about the shortcomings of my father but I do have to give him credit that he was a better father than his father and his father was better than his. I think parent grow beyond their own parents and most people only have a limited capacity to grow beyond what they grew up with.

I know you don't have children of your own but I think you would have made a wonderful father or mother for any child! Thanks again for sharing so much of yourself and please don't take anything I have said to minimize any neglect or abuse that you have suffered.

Much love, Stacy

Hi Stacy,

I agree with your statement about parents. Mine absolutely did the best they could given their own family backgrounds and other circumstances. Understanding that was why I was able to tell both of them I loved them, a number of times, long before they died.

My mother would rarely talk about her childhood. What I heard from relatives, though, indicated she was probably physically abused.

When I was engage to be married, my ex and I thought we wanted two children. She was a 2nd grade teacher. Within a year of our marriage, though, she decided she did not want kids. She was a very capable teacher but felt that after five years of intense work with children, she could not handle the strain of raising one of our own.

After talking about it for another year or so, I agreed with her. Both of us had difficult childhoods. Then she was anorexic in college. She once showed me a photo from those days and she looked like she had been in a concentration camp. Anyway, we needed some time to be good to ourselves nuturing our inner, neglected children.

If we had had a child at that point, I know I would have been a good parent. I very much appreciate your pointing this out. Back then, though, I was terrified any child of mine would inherit my 'differentness' and, like me, feel no connection with other kids.

I know better now. In fact, for some months I have mulled over the idea of adopting an older child. For now, this is nothing more than a fond wish. I'd need to be in a much better spot, financially. At least having some job security. When my transition expenses drop, I'll also be able to save money once again.

Nothing you wrote left me feeling you were minimizing my experiences. Rather, I think you understand very well.

Love,

[quot

e="Danya (imported)" time=1295488680]
[quot

_____________________________________

_____

I saw my HRT doctor after work at his Michigan Avenue office downtown. Tonight, as usual, we spent a very long time, nearly two hours, talking about all kinds of things beyond my health. We discussed religion, spirituality, creativity, music, careers (mine, mostly ) the science of certain drug actions and yet other things. By the end of this rambling discussion, he had invited me to his Buddhist temple for worship. I will go sometime in the next few months.

As far as my health goes, I am starting Androgel to boost my now undetectable testosterone. After a month, he'll see how well this is working from my blood work. I'll then switch to very low dose of injectable testosterone, because it will save a lot of money. My doctor expects testosterone will help 'fix' my low energy problem.

I am so tired some days that I will sit on the toilet for a half hour longer than I need to, simply because I cannot muster the energy to get up. I'm not sitting there reading, either. I just sit.

He told me that it is indeed unusual for a male-to-female transsexual woman on estradiol to have no detectable testosterone. He added "but then you are an unusual person." I responded "I think that's a compliment", to which he answered "Of course."

When I spoke with my psychiatrist on Wednesday and with my physician tonight, I realized what I'm dealing with is not depression at all. During our visits, I was animated and my usual self. I had nothing special that has been bothering me

. I am under continuing stress without a permanent jo

b. I've dealt with this stress well, though, for most [qu

ote="Danya (imported)" time=1295153580]
of the last year.

It's just that my low energy lea[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1294620240]
ves me feeling down. I don't want to get out of bed b[quot

e="Danya (imported)" time=1294444140]
ecause I don't have enough energy. This is not a resul
[/quote]

t of depression. Both psychiatrist and doctor agreed.

[q

uote="Danya (imported)" time=1292939460]
__________________________________________________
[/quote]
____

When I finally arrived home this evening, I was thrilled to see a large envelope from my GRS surgeon. Things are getting more serious now. During the month of February, I will be sending two more deposits totalling - a large sum of money.

The packet contained all kinds of information. Including a note that I will need to stop all hormone treatments three weeks before surgery. That will be difficult. Erica Ann has already warned me about hot flashes.

They talked about travel arrangements. I'll need to arrive two days before my scheduled surgery. I will likely be able to fly back to Chicago from Montreal on April 27

th, eight days after surgery.

They described the sur

gical technique. I know they offer either general ane

sthesia or a spinal block. General anesthesia typically results

in my having great difficulty urinating. I

may opt for the spinal. I will have absolutely no de

sire to watch the procedure via a mirror. I've seen

very graphic photos of how this is done. Those more than satisf

ied my curiosity. Usually, I am interested

in watching procedures. This time, I will only be inte

rested in the result.

I'll give the documents a clos

er read tomorrow. Their total fee is the same as when I schedu

led surgery over 4 months ago. This is good.

__________________________________________________

_________

Last night, I stopped at Best Buy to pick up an AC power adapter for my Sony Walkman. Then I

happened past an aisle with music keyboards. I have n

ot played an instrument since I sold my very fine digital piano last February. I tried every keyboard in t

he store. I played, from memory, small sections of a Bach

French Suite, a Bach Two-Part Invention and Chopin's Ballade #4. I was ecstatic. It would take sev

eral months of practice for me to get back to where I

was before I left Minnesota. Yesterday, I could still play with relative ease.

Until last night, I tho

ught there was no way I could be a substitute organist let alon

e apply for a part-time staff organist job. Now I know that I can. When I substitute, I always sa

y I need a key so that I can practice at least a day b

efore the service.

I now know I willl not be wasting the $95 to join the local American Guild of Organist

s society. Actually, there are three or four local groups her

e. I have to join one to see their list of open positions and have my name listed as a substitute.

__________________________________________________

________

I've started taking my headphones and Sony Walkman to work to listen to CDs. As I listened to a Rachmanioff's "Variations on a Theme of Paganini," I realized something for the first time.

I've written before that my musical tastes have broadened beyond classical and jazz since I transitioned. Yesterday, I realized that my tastes within the classical genre have also expanded. There was a time when I would not have enjoyed Rachmanioff. While his music is often very sensual, it does not have the organizational structure, wide ranging harmonizations, ingenuity and perhaps the grandeur of Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert, Handel, Brahms, Wagner, Stravinsky, Webern and certain others. BTW, there are a number of contermporary composers of 'classical' music that I appreciate. Including Dominick Argento, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota.

I always considered Rachmanioff's music to be more fluff than substance. Although he is still not one of my favorites, I am now able to enjoy some of his works.

As I listened to his variations on the famous theme written by perhaps the greatest violinist of all time, Niccolo Paganini, I realized one of the variations seemed to be based on an inversion of part of the theme. So I took a short break at the office to write out the notes and then compared them to the theme. This variation is a thematic inversion. It is also very beautiful and has been made famous in a number of movies.

Inversion of a theme is just one of many methods to develop astoundingly effective, beautiful variations.

Brahms used the same Paganini theme in his piano "Variations on Theme of Paganini." There was a time when I played a few of the work's simpler variations well. They are technically extremely difficult. Brahms' unrequited love interest, Clara Schumann, called them "witches variations" because of their difficulty. She herself, like Brahms, was a virtuoso pianist. Brahms is generally considered on of the top masters of the variation form and the variation form is one of my favorites. Brahms also wrote the first ever set of orchestral variations, "Variations on a Theme by Haydn." Then he ends the variations...enough. He was a scholar of ancient music and he adapted a very old form for the conclusion of this work. Knowledgable listeners were stunned to here this used so effectively in a piece of 19th century Romantic period music.

I still prefer Brahms' Paganini variations to those of Rachmanioff. Now, though, I can also enjoy Rachmanioff.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Is there no end to your expertise? You embarrass me...Good news on the surgery...I've read some references to Montreal's surgeons in this area...

It's a very advanced city in many ways, I guess...Cold as a rat's a-- in the winter, though..You'll be there in late April..Lovely...I'd like to visit Montreal..It's about a 6-7 hour ride due north from here..Maybe some day..

Glad to hear you seem to have the solution to your exhaustion at hand...

smooches dragonfly

[mrt (imported)]

After giving it some thought, I decided to delete the very serious parts of this post. For the first time, it was not therapeutic for me to write about certain things. What follows is much shorter than the original.

I got the good news last night that my gallbladder is 100% normal. Hooray! No gallstones, no possible need for surgery. I may have a peptic ulcer. After I filled him in on some details, my doctor agreed that if I have an ulcer it may be medication related. We'll find out.

I also spoke with the good doctor, again, about my 'too low' testosterone level. Natal women have some testosterone. Mine is

1295153580]
below the test detection limit.

I asked if this could account for my low energy and down moods. This is wh
[/quote]
en he chimed in with "You seem to be doing fine.

" C

onsidering everything going on in my life, I am.

He agreed that we probably need to do something about my relative lack of testosterone. So the next time I see him, in a few weeks for blood work, we will discuss starting testosterone injections, at a low level of course. In fact, I will make an appointment for as soon as I can get one. I cannot wait a few weeks. I'm having trouble dealing with feeling tired nearly every waking moment. I feel tired when I get up, through the day, and I no longer experience my 'night person' energy.

Too low testosterone in women is also associated with depression. Bingo! This has got to stop, and soon.

For what this is worth I was first put on Testosterone because of "depression" like symptoms which included lack of energy, mood, etc. YES! Women have testosterone and I believe from what I've read a lot of M2F folks miss out on a lot because they think "all" testosterone is evil and they try to lower it to abnormal levels (For women)

Sex drive, energy, moods etc are part of being female (or male) and having the right "mix" is very important. Mrs T uses a compounded cream that includes enough testosterone to keep her in the normal range for women and its done wonders.

BTW thats one suggestion I really wanted to make. Ask your Doctor about using a rub on cream of Estrogen, Progesterone & Testosterone.

[Danya (imported)]

Is there no end to your expertise? You embarrass me...Good news on the surgery...I've read some references to Montreal's surgeons in this area...

It's a very advanced city in many ways, I guess...Cold as a rat's a-- in the winter, though..You'll be there in late April..Lovely...I'd like to visit Montreal..It's about a 6-7 hour ride due north from here..Maybe some day..

Glad to hear you seem to have the solution to your exhaustion at hand...

smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

I've worked very hard since I was young to learn a lot about many things. One of my favorite activities is gathering information. Keep in mind, too, that I've been around now for over 59 years. In addition, I have changed careers several times.

I do not regret any of my career changes, although I wonder if I would have been better off to have continued working as a scientist. The unemployment rate for chemists with my educational background is very low even today. I will find my way in this new work world.

I've been to Montreal twice, once on business and the second time to visit friends. Compared with American cities, the people there seem to be much less inhibited about sexuality. I enjoyed both visits.

The

testosterone seems to be helping some already.

Hugs,

Danya

For what this is worth I was first put on Testosterone because of "depression" like symptoms which included lack of energy, mood, etc. YES! Women have testosterone and I believe from what I've read a lot of M2F folks miss out on a lot because they think "all" testosterone is evil and they try to lower it to abnormal levels (For women)

Sex drive, energy, moods etc are part of being female (or male) and having the right "mix" is very important. Mrs T uses a compounded cream that includes enough testosterone to keep her in the normal range for women and its done wonders.

BTW thats one suggestion I really wanted to make. Ask your Doctor about u

sing a rub on cream of Estrogen, Progesterone & Testosterone.

Hi MrT,

You and I have spoken about hormone issues, although not in a long time. I had forgotten about the effect low testosterone had for you.

I definitely want a sex drive. Normal energy and mood are important for me, too. I recently read that if a woman's testosterone is too low, she may be infertile. This is not a concern for me.

I will speak with my doctor about a rub on cream for testosterone. If it will save money and allow me to avoid another injection, I will be interested.

Now I'm off to the Chicago Botanic Garden to walk outside and in the greenhouses. I need the exercise and it's one of my favorite spots. I'm taking my camera along.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I went to a very welcoming Lutheran church this morning. Turned out they had a 3 manual pipe organ and a fine grand piano. These sounded great with the very good acoustics of the worship space.

After the service, I spoke with the organist. I let her know I was interested in substituting and, perhaps, finding a part-time staff organist position. She was glad I had introduced myself and told me how hard it is to find substitutes. She also said I could practice on both the organ and piano! This will work well as the church is no more than a 10-minute drive from home.

She suggested I volunteer to play special prelude or postlude music to get used to the pipe organ. I can't wait.

Finally, she gave me contact info for someone whose church is looking for a part-time organist and another contact for finding substitute gigs.

Then she introduced me to the music director. He and I had an interesting discussion on liturgical music. He invited me to come to choir rehearsal Thursday night. I am going to do this, although I have not sung much at all since I transitioned. Not long ago, the choir had another trans woman who moved out of state a few months ago.

I love to sing and when I sing regularly I am good at it, too. I think that, with practice, I can reach most of the notes in a normal tenor range or those for a contralto. When I sang regularly, I was a competent Bass I (baritone range) although I could reach most tenor notes.

Before leaving, I stayed for coffee and snacks. I sat with a number of older ladies. Many were far older than me, like by at least 15 years. This was OK. They all welcomed me warmly, stating that they wouldn't ask my age until next week.

As we spoke, I networked with the woman next to me and found out lots of information information that I might later use in finding an somewhat different career path.

Overall, this experience was very good. I enjoyed the service, the people were exceptionally friendly, I felt at home, the organist already has me in mind to sub for her for Memorial Day weekend, I met new people, found a place to practice and networked on non-musical things, too.

[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119373 time=1295670060 user_id=3086]
[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119371 time=1295573940 user_id=3086]
[quote="
[/quote]
Danya (imported)" time=1295488680]

[Danya (imported)]

Several weeks ago, I started seeing 'X' again on a strictly friendship basis. At most, we meet once a week to go to a cheap movie and to share an inexpensive meal. The first time we met after I broke up with him, I wasn't sure it was a good idea. Now, I enjoy his company and this provides another chance for me to get out and about.

After I ended our more intimate relationship in late December, I read several books on the ways men and women interact. These books are all highly rated, written by respected therapists and researchers. Whether or not I agreed with everything these 'experts' wrote, a lot of it made sense. I could see, as I've mentioned before, where I made mistakes in how I handled things with 'X.'

For one thing, I did not realize how important it is for at least some men to feel they are being protective of a wife or girlfriend. Some men also feel a visceral need to display how knowledgeable they are, at least as far as being able to contribute something that the woman does not know.

The day before I broke up with 'X,' I called him from my cell phone on the way home from work. It was the end of my first day at the new office and I was lost. I calmly asked him for some directional pointers as he is familiar with this particular part of the Chicago metro area.

Despite my laid back question, he responded with "Don't panic, everything will be OK!" I asked him if I sounded at all panicked, because I was not. Although I have lived in the Chicago region less than a year, I have never gotten very lost. I am not used to having a man display protective behavior for me. I'm sure I could get used to it rather easily.

Another problem with our relationship was caused by my insensitive tendency to blurt out "I already know that" when someone tells me something that I already know. The thing is, I may not fully know what someone wants to share because I cut the conversation short. During my time with 'X,' we discussed this and I made a conscious effort to stop it. Before I did, he thought there was nothing he could tell me that I did not already know. Many men need to feel they can contribute their own perspective and knowledge to a relationship and that this will be appreciated by the women in their lives. It's not all that difficult for me to keep my mouth shut when I need to. This may be hard to believe.

I could blame another issue on my personality type, and my desire to ask a lot of intense questions is typical for my type. I want to get all the information I can and I tend to not let up until I feel satisfied. This can make some people uncomfortable, especially when they don't have the answers I seek, and I need to be sensitive to that. I am able to make a decision to asked fewer questions.

While I enjoy our friendship time together, I have no desire to return to more intimacy. That cannot work for us. He accepts this, too, and says he needs to devote most of his energy to getting through school.

[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119377 time=1295827080 user_id=3086]
[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119373 time=1295670060 user_id=3086]
[quote="Danya (im
[/quote]
ported)" time=1295573940]

[Danya (imported)]

Earlier this evening, I made my flight reservation from O'Hare to Montreal and back. I will leave late Sunday morning, April 17, complete GRS on April 19 and return to Chicago in the early afternoon on April 27. Making this reservation and sending in all of the deposits is making this very real and exciting.

It is likely I will still have my current contract job in early April. That's when I'll need to give the company two week's notice that I will be leaving. I will not tell them it is for GRS. I will explain, however, that I had been planning this 'event' for months and that I would lose thousands of dollars if I cancel. This is true.

I will let them know that I could work from home in very early May and start working from the office again 2 - 3 weeks after that. They may be interested. This is my preferred outcome.

Although I am excited about my rapidly approaching surgery, I still have some underlying anxiety. Everything I read indicates this is entirely normal. I've never had major surgery before, for one thing. It's also a large expense at a time

when I do not have a permanent job.

I remain confident I will get everything to wo[

ime=1295488680]

rted)" time=1294620240]
[quote="Danya (imported)" tim

e=1294444140]
r

[quote="Danya (imported)" t

ime=1292939460]
k out, whatever ha

ppens with my current contract job.

_______________

__________________________________
[/quote]
_ __________________________________________________ _________

While I am convalescing from surgery, I will probably prepare for the Project Manager Professional certification and take the test. I have managed projects from the time I was a research scientist, through havng my own business and in the IT corporate world. This certification is for all types of project management; it is not limited to information technology. While project management is not my ideal type of work, I can do it and it pays well. This certification fits into my long term goals. As part of my long-range plan, I'm considering creating an incorpoated business for the second time. I would gradually grow this business while

continuing to work in IT-related areas. I'm trying t

o put a

plan in place so that I can continue to be ac

tive and employe

d at least into my mid-70s. Even if I

find I

could retire sooner, I want to remain active

and empl

oyed. Part of my goal in starting another bus

iness is that I

hope to someday be able to work remo

tely from

anyplace in the country. I will continue to

build on the ski

lls I have, including IT and science.

I will

be contacting people I know who have side bus

inesses in my ar

eas of expertise, to get their input.

_________________________________________________

_ __________________________________________________ ________

As I plan my long-term goals, I'm also considering a possible move after GRS. Any move would need to make financial sense as well as meeting other needs. I am doing a similar analysis to what I completed early last year when I made the decision to move to Chicago. I'm considering the advantages of this area, and there are many, but also where I might want to spend the rest of my life.

My preliminary research is turning up several possibilities for a move. One looks very promising. It's on the west coast. Two or three others are on the east coast.

My HRT doctor told me I would

be able to make a long distance move 4 weeks after GRS. Driving would not be a problem. I would need to

h

ire some young folks to load my car and, perhaps, a small U-Haul hi

tched to my car.

The thing is, the p

er

iod right af

ter GRS will be a good time for me to make a move if I

conclude that is a good idea. By the

ti

me I could move,

I will have lived in Chicagoland a little over a y

ear. I do not have deep roots here.

I

spoke with m

y close Minnesota woman friend about these things and s

he says all of this makes sense to he

r.

At the age

of 62, and with a permanent job, she is considering lea

ving Minnesota for a warmer climate.

S

he's spent her en

tire life in Milwaukee and, for the last 23 years,

in the Twin Cities.

I have no desire

to move back

to Minnesota. It's a beautiful state and the Twin Citi

es offer a lot of advantages. After ex

pe

riencing the mil

der Chicago winter, though, I do not want to retur

n to a colder climate. An offer of a p

er

manent job w

ould be the only thing to change my mind.

____________

_____________________________________

_ __________________________________________________

Supplme

ntal testosterone is making my life much easier. I

have regained my typical energy and positive outlook.

_________________________________________________

_ __________________________________________________ ____

I just read the we are supposed to experience snow with blizzard conditions late Tuesday into Wednesday. The company I work at may allow me to bring the corporate laptop home so I can continue working during this period. I hope so, I need the income.

[Mac (imported)]

Earlier this evening, I made my flight reservation from O'Hare to Montreal and back. I will leave late Sunday morning, April 17, complete GRS on April 19 and return to Chicago in the early afternoon on April 27. Making this reservation and sending in all of the deposits is making this very real and exciting. ...................

What can I say other than to wish for your ultimate happiness. I will be looking forward to seeing your post surgery posts.

:doll :

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi sweety. It's good to hear from you...A wee bit of man juice has certainly improved your mood/ drive...

If nothing else, you'll never be able to say you are living a mundane, boring life..I really love your drive/ambition...Good going on the tickets to La Belle Province... Maybe you could check out some opportunities in the Montreal area...

You'd probably fit right in there...The world is your oyster; keep shucking..

smooches dragonfly