The Pursuit Of Individual Happiness - Chemical Castration & Companionship Cures

[nullorchis (imported)]

Affection and love can be, and often are, separate from sex.

Nature's sex drive is intended to insure existence of the species and is distinctively separate from logical thought. People regularly have sex without having affection or love. But people frequently confuse sex with love.

It you crave to be castrated, consider this.

All my life I craved to be free from sex and I assumed castration would be the solution to my problem.

But I discovered that while taking Siterone, my interest and ability in sex not only went away but my obsession with wanting to be castrated went away.

When I stopped Siterone, interest and ability in sex returned, as did my craving for castration, perhaps even more than ever. It was an awakening for me. I did not NEED to be castrated, I only needed to eliminate testosterone.

Now, with my testes still attached but no longer producing testosterone, I have permanently lost my interest and ability in sex and again no longer crave castration. However I have a greater appreciation towards affection and love as these are no longer intertwined and overpowered by sexual feelings.

Nature's sex drive is incompatible with the logical and thinking mind.

Works great for life forms that do not have our brain power.

For me, reduction of nature's sex drive hormone is very empowering.

It was absolutely impossible for me to know how I would feel, what I would think prior to reduction of T. I discovered what my life could be like while taking Siterone, so I made a personal choice to accept risk and move on to the next level and make the reduction of T permanent, which I did.

From my experiences I do know that I would have made a big mistake just lunging forward and being surgically castrated.

I have no problem will still having balls and have no craving for them to be removed. Likewise if they needed to be removed for medical reasons, I would be fine with that too. They are insensitive to touch or pain so it is not like having real nuts; they almost seem artificial.

The path to this point was not easy. Had I not discovered the EA I may not have learned from others things that paved the way for me. I might have just caused myself great harm or worse. Everything I did was personal choice and risky. But the experiences of others helped me learn to take things slow and easy at first. Never assume however that things will turn out well; there is great risk of all kinds of negative results.

Certainly life would have been much easier if I was not so compelled to be rid of my sexuality. The journey has been difficult, but the route I took, and the destination were, for me, the right thing to do. I lucked out.

[sag111 (imported)]

I went on DP many years back and even had the shots done by my doctor for about two years.When I felt I was ready I had my doctor refer me to a urologist who was very understanding and did my surgery that was done as an out patient in the hospital.There is NOT a day I regret my decision and would do it over again if I had to make that decision again.Now is it good for every one maybe not that is up to the individual but for my I am finally happy and rid of testosterone that was a mess for my life and others.

[Riverwind (imported)]

That's for sure, at our age, happiness is no T.

River

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Hi guys,

I feel nice and relaxed just now.

And much more free than normal. Slowly, I seem to be releasing the life shackles that I've long imposed on myself.

Today I did something most unGreg like. I went to a brothel. It's hardly an abnormal thing for a guy to go to a brothel, but for years and years it would have been impossible to ever consider myself doing it, simply as I always felt it was far too unethical. You know, to treat a woman solely as a piece of meat.

What I am learning is that if you live your life too much by personal principles than it is highly unlikely that you will ever allow yourself to be happy.

It is only in the past week or so that the idea of going to a brothel came to me as a serious idea of something to do. I wanted to be with a woman again - if for nothing more than to just feel HUMAN again. It also occurred to me that to do this might help my behaviour as far as personal habits go. If I treat myself to a brothel every now and then, then I feel more human about myself (even though it is all fake, but aren't most things about our lives and human relationships?) AND I could cut back on masturbation (as I have something to hold out for). Though I don't have the money to go to a brothel regularly, time is more important than money I believe. So to save time by masturbating less is good in this way, as well as being better for my self-esteem.

I didn't have any personal qualms with finally deciding to go today. In fact I almost did it out of the blue, as I was looking more at next weekend to take the plunge. I have already been speed dating this year where I received no interest. In addition to that I have asked three women out who all rejected me. I don't have too many qualms either if I am one of those humans who happens to be not WORTHWHILE enough to be in a relationship with. But I believe that those people should be allowed to make their lives easier. For me this is firstly with the removal of my sex drive, but secondly if I can't get that then I still deserve to feel HUMAN on occasion.

Todays decision was one of the best that I've EVER made. For the first time since late last year I got to touch a woman. To kiss a woman. As well as all the other stuff! After it all we actually lay in each others arms, and while it was fake I didn't really care, at least not like I always would have in the past.

I didn't call the place. I simply rocked up and chose a woman from six options. I didn't feel that embarrassed.

On another subject, it must be really hard for the girls to so often be subjected with being chosen or NOT, as well as the difficulties of the job itself of course. I suppose they are subjected to a lot of basic truths about males, the likes of which many other women try to shield themselves from.

I am freeing myself up in other ways too. Just over a week ago my former partner got in touch with me, and I suddenly decided that I wanted to be with her again, and to try my best to make it work between us. I sent her a long and personal message, yet a week later there has been no reply. My best guess now is that it is not even her (it is her name on profile in facebook, no photo, no other friends), but someone playing games with me. And I am sick to death of games.

So just now I have asked to be 'friends' with a previous friend that I've long loved. I'm not sure if anything good will come of it. After all, I've hurt her before, and she lives by some very strict personal principles. But maybe one day she will be ready to release the shackles like I am doing.

You can't hide away from love, and consequently hurt. So what is the point of trying to do so?

Recently I have had my autobiography released. I haven't had the courage to reveal this to anyone IN my life yet, but I will post a link to it now on here. I would be delighted if anyone took the time (and small amount of money) to read it and give me their thoughts. What is the book about? It is mostly about the positive and negative effects that can eventuate when a boy goes through his entire youth without experiencing a proper relationship.

http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/i ... _uploads=0

[chibifish (imported)]

You can't hide away from love, and consequently hurt. So what is the point of trying to do so?

Recently I have had my autobiography released. I haven't had the courage to reveal this to anyone IN my life yet, but I will post a link to it now on here. I would be delighted if anyone took the time (and small amount of money) to read it and give me their thoughts. What is the book about? It is mostly about the positive and negative effects that can eventuate when a boy goes through his entire youth without experiencing a proper relationship.

http://chipmunkapublishing.co.uk/shop/i ... _uploads=0

Just that description rather affected me. :O

I spent the entirety of my teens fighting against that kind of thing. I suppose the fact that I ultimately lost is a big part of what got me to join the EA.

Consequently, though, I've gotten to where I simply can't get close to people at all, and the idea of thinking of anyone I know in real life in a romantic way is just too creepy to think on for more than a moment.

But the fact that I'm toward the end of college and have hardly had any friends--and certainly no real companionship to speak of--is catching up with me.

And, well, conflicting with my sense of identity quite a lot.

Now if only I could bring myself to say these things to a psychiatrist.

[Dave (imported)]

...

...

Now if only I could bring myself to say these things to a psychiatrist.

You put those words you said to us. Put them in the front of your mind and you simply say them to the psychiatrist.

Or you can say - Doc, I want to have a close relationship with someone and I don't know how.

Or you say - Help me have a romantic relationship.

Try simply repeating to yourself "I deserve a romance and I'm going to have one" over and over. Convince yourself. I know that's easier to say than it is to do. But you know what the problem is, step beyond it your betterment.

Once the subject is out there, the psychiatrist should be able to draw the rest of out you.

This is sort of a pep talk. You are worth being loved and loving someone.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

You put those words you said to us. Put them in the front of your mind and you simply say them to the psychiatrist.

Or you can say - Doc, I want to have a close relationship with someone and I don't know how.

Or you say - Help me have a romantic relationship.

Try simply repeating to yourself "I deserve a romance and I'm going to have one" over and over. Convince yourself. I know that's easier to say than it is to do. But you know what the problem is, step beyond it your betterment.

Once the subject is out there, the psychiatrist should be able to draw the rest of out you.

This is sort of a pep talk. You are worth being loved and loving someone.

I feel kind of nice to have effected you (Chibifish) in some way.

On the not being able to hide from love/hurt thing: Most of us cannot shut ourselves off from the rest of the world. We have to earn money and there are general social engagements that we usually have to attend. Therefore we are somewhat forced to interact with other humans. And you can't just say, "I am not going to fall for ANYONE - I refuse to fall for anyone." Life doesn't work that way. For example, there is a woman I know who I'm basically certain that I've hurt quite a lot - I'm pretty certain that in the end, she had fallen quite a lot for me. This was despite her always TRYING to refuse to do so. But because we worked together - and because I insisted on emailing her and TRYING to impress her - and because she NATURALLY liked me, well she sort of couldn't help it. Any relationship is going to have pain; but any good one is also going to have PLEASURE. This woman has refused to allow herself to have the loving walks, tender touches, kisses, etc with me - all of the pleasure; yet in the end she sort of copped the pain anyway (in my opinion). The moral of the story?

It is not meant to be that I am a bastard even if it sounds like I am!

The moral is that it is POINTLESS to try to hide away from the pain that falling for someone might cause you - and sabotaging yourself potential greater life happiness.

Unless you are self sufficient enough to just be able to live off the land and not interact with humanity.

Chibifish - you sound like you have a far greater understanding of yourself than I did at the same age. You are about 22? I did not begin to awaken much with my thoughts until I was 23, and then had major breakthroughs at 24. But I had other mental issues such as thinking I was dying via bowell problems (possibly cancer), which I wasn't, but I never opened up to anyone about my worries until later. If you were to see a pysc/doc now then it might solve you a lot more problems down the track. Like Dave, I strongly advise you to see someone professionally.

Not that I did that. Instead I heaped all of my personal worries onto women who I liked! That is not really the way to go about it.

Dave, I like your positiveness. I wish that I was that positive. However I am dubious about the theory that everyone is loveable, or worthwhile of being in a relationship with. My biography discusses this a little.

Your message though to Chibifish - which is very much an encouragement to PUT HIMSELF OUT THERE AND GIVE HIMSELF A CHANCE - is 100% RIGHT. It's sounds like Chibifish has NOT tried at all in life yet - just like I had not. I believe now that I was (and perhaps still am) one of those borderline cases. Someone who is attractive enough and interesting enough to be a potential partner to someone worthwhile. Chibifish - maybe you're biggest fear is discovering that you are not worthwhile to others? You need to TRY to fight against this fear, and PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE.

LIFE IS SHORT. DON'T WASTE TOO MUCH OF IT IN DEATHING MODE.

My comments about some people not being very worthwhile to be in a relationship with are not 100% correct at all either. Perhaps I am just very superficial in how I view humanity. There are of course far deeper humans that I. It could very much depend on your own personal experiences. I know the attractiveness of the woman that I have fallen for who is the least attractive. She is far from a beauty, but she ain't a beached whale either.

The theory that beauty is on the inside only runs so far - but that's just my opinion.

My opinion now on relationship possibilities is that it is actually better to know where you stand with someone. If they reject you then you can at least move on - in a way. The EA is sort of here as a support for people who consider themselves potentially unworthwhile - and if we are - to make our lives potentially better in other ways.

P.S. The woman has not added me to her facebook friends list as yet. She's still in her shackles.

[chibifish (imported)]

On the not being able to hide from love/hurt thing: Most of us cannot shut ourselves off from the rest of the world. We have to earn money and there are general social engagements that we usually have to attend. Therefore we are somewhat forced to interact with other humans.

But, see, I'm not to that point.

I can count the times that I ever had any social interaction outside of school and family on my hands.

The past year and a half I've been actively trying to be more involved with people, but I find that I rarely have anything to say to anyone, and generally the more important it is, the less likely it is that I'll actually say it.

The moral is that it is POINTLESS to try to hide away from the pain that falling for someone might cause you - and sabotaging yourself potential greater life happiness.

... Oh, it's not that. (Though something tells me it will be at some point along the road... it hasn't been yet. ^^ ).

I've been thinking through potential ideal (read: nothing resembling realistic) scenarios lately, and am pretty sure that I still have the gradeschool mentality that having that kind of interest in anyone is something to be embarrassed of. Specifically, I'm pretty certain my parents would tease me about it, and I'm pretty sure that'd bother me way more than makes any sense.

(Of course, this might be ok if I still had the mentality that I did in gradeschool that allowed me to overcome anything via looking at it the rational way. Rationality abandonned me at some point since.)

Not that I did that. Instead I heaped all of my personal worries onto women who I liked! That is not really the way to go about it.

... I've imagined myself doing that quite a lot lately.

... I certainly want to ramble on, but it's so disorganized in my head that I can only imagine how it'd wind up in text form.

Thanks, both of you.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

This week I have been winning my battle for the pursuit of happiness.

Easily.

It's always the case - that these things happen when you least expect it.

And it's happened - with someone who I will name my supergirl.

Perhaps a relationship cannot work with two people who are no longer innocent, but perhaps if one is innocent then they can pull the other back into the wonder that they are feeling, and this is the case here.

This girl totally adores me. I am sure that nobody has ever made her feel like this before. She is as I was in December 2005, when I first fell in love. Her life now is how mine would have been if I had hung out with her (the first love) then.

She is totally gaga over me. "You are my everything."

And I believe her (as much as anyone can actually be "everything" to somebody else).

Her life is genuinely a dream. And I will do everything in my power to keep it that way.

I don't know if she can blow my mind. But she can definitely blow my heart.

We all have motives, but she doesn't seem to play games. She has asked me how much I earn (this is at least of some importance to 99% of women) - which is not much. She tells me regularly that she wants me to put on weight because I am too skinny (other women would be scared to offend me, or don't want to appear vane). And of most significance; she tells me repeatedly how CUTE I am (again, not afraid to come across as vane, just simply being HUMAN, and being herself).

Green is for go has reversed itself. We crave the red; so we can have yet another session of kissing.

I am well aware that this is VERY early days. But it's a terrific start. She wants to be with me forever.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has helped me on my life journey thus far. Really. A big thank you.

As for the issue of my sex drive: well, it's still in the back of my mind to do something about it. Maybe soon. "Do you like me or do you like sex?" she asked. "I like both," I replied with pure honesty. "You're a bad boy!" she declared with a gorgeous giggle.

Perhaps in the future I can genuinely only like one.

[Arab Nights (imported)]

On another thread it was mentioned how great it is that when you come home your dog is over the moon to see you - regardless of whether this is just for the food or not. How many people on the EA see having a good pet as being a reasonably adequate substitute for not having a human companion - in the sense of adding to ones life happiness?

QUOTE]

I have had several jobs in South America where typically dogs are wild. One in particular was out in the jungle and the camp had a resident pack of about eight wild dogs. That was the first time in my life that I had been exposed to such a group of dogs instead of individual dogs with owners like in the US of A. I (generally) like dogs so I became friends with them. It was interesting. It got to where I knew each ones personality and they were as varied as humans and, indeed, I could look at them and see human personalities. That is, one dog had a personality recognizably like one or more people I have known and another dog would have a personality like another person(s) and so on. So you have to keep that in mind. For example, there was one female that I really did not care that much for. She had one of those pissy personalities that just isn't that great to be around. Like those people whose face (and persona) looks like they just sucked a lemon. There were several that I liked and it was a mutual pleasure to see each other and one that I really became connected to (we would search each other out). So keep in mind that dogs have personalities like people and you might get one that just does not suit you.

Having said that, if it works a relationship with a dog (I cannot vouch for cats) will show you what simple love is. By that I mean love that is not colored by all the human complications like money worries, trying to resolve homework issues and all the other things that make human existence such a tapestry. Without going into a long post on myself, I think dogs can show you a lot about life, love and death.

Hope this helps.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

At the moment I would like to one day get a Labrodor/Golden Retriever. Never heard of one of those that doesn't get along well with humans!

[Arab Nights (imported)]

I had an Aussie/dingo mix for a decade and could not have asked for a better companion. I have also had good luck with South American street dogs where there was a connection.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Oh Giggsy......

I'm referring to Ryan Giggs, the Manchester United football star.

It's hardly a big surprise to hear that an alpha male has been sleeping around, but this story is a little different. One of the women that he has been having an affair with (allegedly) is his brothers wife - for the past EIGHT years.

There are a couple of things that I find striking about this as a newsworthy item.

a) Most people will just go, "oh, that is horrible," and don't bother to actually think about it and analyse it at all.

b) How does such an event actually begin? I mean, it's a BIG risk from either party to broach the subject....

He is a big star, and they both have marriages at risk. How does one of them pluck up the courage (or stupidity) to make the first move? Think about what he risks. She could knock him back, tell his wife, tell the tabloids, and he loses his wife, a lot of money (lets say from sponsors) and has to put up with a lot of ill feeling towards him from society. And she is risking a lot by making the first move too, for he could reject her (though he is a guy) and tell her husband (his brother). Because of the complications there is an increased chance (I would have thought) of a rejection either way, so (especially considering that Giggsy could get it from lots of different women) I'm surprised that a risk was even taken.

I am not surprised at the so called immoral nature of the act. I'm human, and am heading down much the same path myself.

Why don't more people ask why did the woman did it? I mean, we mostly know why the man did it, but I find it more interesting to try and analyse it from her perspective. It can show us how our stereotypical western society (with a strong emphasis on marriage - which is to love one person and always only one person) is perhaps wrong in many ways. Or if not directly wrong, then it certainly has its failings. Is it natural to actually love only one person throughout an entire lifetime? I am not just questioning this from a physical perspective, but emotionally. Is marriage really partly a massive boost of the human ego, so that one can confidentally say to the rest of society that they own the heart of such and such a person, and vice versa? How much is marirage merely about ownership (from both the male and female perspective)? Should humans live more freely with their love (again speaking emotionally as well as physically) and not try to control another as much?

There isn't any one particularly reason for why I haven't written much on these boards lately, other than having a complete lack of interest in doing so. I am going through (at least from what I can determine) a major transformation as a person. I consider myself to be mostly a bad person right now, and I don't particularly care about that. I've suddenly decided that that's it; that I'm going to do all I can to get as much pussy as I can without having to pay much money for it. That's basically where I'm at.

I actually believe now that I am relatively handsome. I also believe that most women can not only sense the change in my lack of principles (I don't really know how they sense this, but they do; this is why you can't fake confidence with women, and you can't fake not being desperate, which is how I always used to be, when I was a good boy:)), but that they REALLY like it. It's their ego talking I guess. They used to hate it when I would try my best to respect them as somewhat of a friend and to like them for more than their physical attributes. After all, this is what they constantly tell us that they want from a guy. This unfortunately is completely false. It seems inevitable that us human beings (I am lumping myself in with the other humans) cannot help but be bad.

I used to be loveable. Women couldn't love me. At least not conventionally. I am no longer loveable. But now women seem to be digging me quite a lot.

Still, I'm quite convinced that I can't get it enough (alah Ryan Giggs!) to make it worthwhile being a male with his full sex drive. After all, I've only ever gotten it from two women without directly paying for it, and in some ways we all have to pay for it anyway - to get women in the mood. I don't have anywhere near enough money regardless.

Women still mostly just need to know that you are always willing to fill them up whenever they want it, whereas men actually need it - it's no good just having the woman like you - while we have our sex drive.

The only way that I can again become a good person is to get onto Androcur (or something similar). At the moment I really don't care if I destroy friendships, marriages, whatever. I'm just going to get whatever I can - which is probably nothing or hardly anything anyway. But that is where my mindset is at.

I know that I initially said on this forum that I was into my new girlfriend - or words to that effect. But I'm not. Not at all. And yet she openly loves me more than anyone else ever has. Quite frankly that shits me. I will call this the CARE factor.

Whenever I've cared HEAPS about someone in life they can't be with me. I've just come across as desperate, or scary, etc. But in recent times I've begun to become less desperate. This makes me desirable. The other thing is that I've let go of principles. That makes me desirable too.

So many women are bitches to other women. It's not their fault. They HAVE to be. They can't value themselves unless a guy is choosing them; over another girl. It doesn't really matter how much they love the guy. If you are that guys ONLY option, then it's virtually impossible for the woman to value themselves whilst being with him, because to her, he is only with her because he doesn't have any other choices.

Hence women will find themselves 'cheating' on other women regularly.

With my last girlfriend I got a sense that other women liked me a little more. But I had no real intentions of cheating on her - and like I said - this is something that women can somehow sense. With my current girlfriend I have no love for her - and I am willing to cheat at the drop of a hat - and this women can sense big time.

Part of my non love for her is my annoyance that she loves me HEAPS - despite the fact that I met her at a brothel. Now personally I don't hold that against her (and she is actually a REALLY wonderful and sweet girl), but why in the FUCK would she believe that I was going to be more genuine in my love for her - when I just walked up to her and paid to fuck her - then I would be in my love for other women who I had written HEAPS of truly wonderful things for over the years??????????????????????????????????????????

Is it just because of the validation of the vag? Or have women in the past been scared into thinking that I've put them onto my 'friends' list? Or do women just have to know that they are morally superior to the man (perhaps this is another attraction to the criminal male)?

My mindset once I started going to brothels is that I pretty much JUST want sex.

And now women are interested???????????????????????????????????

So am I disappointed that I've discovered that I'm attractive very late in life (and missed out on potentially a lot of sex)?

Not at all. I feel very blessed that I've lived a mostly different sort of life, and had emotional and spiritual experiences that others will never have. I have had so many things that have happened that have meant (and will always mean) far more to me than any mere sexual experience (which we call love because it feels good:)).

My principles now pretty much only exist with one person.

Here are some things that I will mention about my other dealings with women:

One woman got right into me as soon as she saw how much my previous girlfriend was into me. This woman was/is meant to be partly seeing one of my best mates at the moment (sort of just as good friends I suppose). I would never have any interest in her in any manner, though I wouldn't dare say, delete her from facebook as she might crack it (a woman's wrath is to be feared!), so sometimes when she tries to talk to me I will just offer the most minimal of small talk.

After seeing how much my current girlfriend was into me, one of my best mates sisters suddenly starting 'poking' me on facebook. After some deliberation I have returned the pokes. Maybe we will even have a minor fling? Who knows. She is in a longterm relationship with a nice guy that she seems bored with. Even though I think he's a decent bloke, I will fuck her if given the chance.

I am finally into having regular interactions with a very longtime sweetheart. She is one of my major life angels. Yes, I am being very bad in regards to this (seeing as I have a girlfriend who adores me), but this all a part of her (one of my actual loves) being able to love me; because she has someone to rate herself against and because I am no longer as desperate with her as I always was. The CARE factor. Her message to me today made me smile. So maybe this is ONE good thing to come out of all of this.

I am even willing to fully flirt with another woman who has long meant a lot to me - and more as a genuine friend. She is virtually married, but once again, now, if I had the chance (though this would have to be 1 in 100,000!), I would sleep with her. Notice that I said sleep. Whilst I'd "do it" with her, I respect her a lot, and would always want too.

Who else?!

There is a hot girl at work who is married who at the end of last week I made a 'general' enquiry with. It's quite a risk, given that I love my job, so I have to tread carefully. Still, I can't help but feel that maybe she likes me (she looks at me seductively sometimes - has even winked at me), and the sex would be incredible. It's most likely - as it is with most women - that she just wants the self-esteem boost. And that doesn't help us guys much with our annoyingly high sex drives.

Isn't it strange though how women can enjoy sex even more than men? Once they decide to have it they can be crazy for it, but it takes such a huge amount for them to DECIDE to do it. I just went running before - for the first time in 5 weeks - and I feel good now. Perhaps this is why I am bothering to write something interesting at present instead of just masturbating a LOT of the time? So me and running is like women and sex. I don't bother to do it much (can't be bothered), but once I do it's always good.

[Caith721 (imported)]

Helluva post, Greg. I think what you're seeing in women, behavior wise is the action of natural human pheromones. Yours are elevated because you're sexually active and aggressively seeking more, or "on the prowl". Women may or may not understand their increased attraction to you. I suspect they don't even care. Their competition with each other is also pheromone-driven. Their naturally close proximity to other women promotes this. Their excitement level goes up, their pheromones rise, and then their interest peaks.

Nature at work, driving the reproduction of the species, regardless of the cost and/or effect to the individuals. Enjoy yourself, be careful, and at least try to be smart about it. No use having fun if it will eventually cost you too much.

[chibifish (imported)]

Though I'm sure the facebook things have a physical component, I was kind of amused at how easy it was for me to conclude from reading that pharamones must be traveling over the internet, now. :d

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Well, where do I start?

I am living so many lies, and taking so many risks, that some shit is bound to hit the fan at some stage. But I'll deal with that when it happens. I don't want to get caught, but then again I do. To some extent I just don't care much.

Life has simply become about how much sex I can get; basically how much of it I can get

without directly paying for it.

And at this point in time I ain't doing all that well I suppose. I mean I've only ever had sex with 3

women without directly paying for it.

But in the contrary I am now actually viewing myself as an alpha male.

For the very first time.

I have about half an hour here to ramble. It can be quite time consuming trying my best to woo so many women, plus I'm even forgoing fun on the cycling website forum just now (LOL). Also, my habits with masturbation have not improved in the slightest, despite the fact that I'm now having fairly regular sex. I seem to be viewing porn more than ever now, so in this respect I am not feeling any better about myself at present then at times in the past.

But in saying that I feel a LOT more confident now in regards to my attractiveness (yes, I am a VERY cute and handsome boy; in short, I am very lucky).

There are many times lately when I have felt like writing a lot, but I just couldn't be bothered. I haven't lost my appettite for thinking, zoning in, etc, but I can't seem to muster up enough enthusiasum to bother putting stuff to paper/emails/threads/posts/BLOGS. At the moment I only seem bothered to put energies into whatever can potentialy lead me to sex.

So I suppose that me writing this post is yet another contradiction.

I will begin with something non relationship related. My girlfriends aunty is kind of like her mother (they live with each other). Anyway, she always wants me around there to see me. Early on I went there a few times after work, but this has stopped. For me, going there is often very time consuming, a little money consuming (petrol), tiring (lots of driving), boring (my girlfriends aunty and uncle do not speak english, plus all we do really is eat; and food is never something that I have been too passionate about). Not much upside in me going over!

The aunty's life seems completely consumed by FAMILY and FOOD. There is nothing horribly wrong about that, but it means that she is TOTALLY reliant on others. I think that more people need to endeavour to have things that interest them from an individual perspective. Like for me I can write and read on internet forums, or I can read a lot of my own writing from my past, or on rare occasions I can go for a run, or in July I will watch the Tour De France. People need to listen more to a saying of John Cougar Mellencamp; "Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone." What he is saying is that after a while we are no longer physically attractive, and therefore others naturally lose interest in us. But from that we can learn that we need to rely on our ownselves more for life stimulation. And there are SO many other ways to do this too. You can get a pet, which is perhaps not as great a companionship as a human one, but can still be really good. Anyway, what I am rambling about is that this Aunty doesn't seem to have any individual outlets, and that to me, is a problem.

There is little logic to her wanting to have me around. I don't say anything while I am there (oh yeah, and another thing is that I am not a big fan of Chinese food!), so I don't add to conversation. The aunty on the otherhand often seems to dominate the conversation. She is nice, but she talks a lot. It's not a given, but often big talkers are not big listeners/thinkers. On a couple of occasions I have had to drive her to Springvale on a Saturday and be bored for a couple of hours while she shops. She would go there anyway if I wasn't there, just by train. I think that a lot of family people have a delusional thought process as to thinking that they are having a really positive and influencial impact on winning a boyfriend/girlfriend over. I am sure that she would tell herself that on a hypothetical wedding day of me and her, that it was all her cooking and hospitality that went a long way towards winning me over. But from the REAL relationship perspective it's ALL about what the girls do (or are capable of doing). All a relative can do is probably negate the chances of success a little by imposing on the situation (she hasn't effected it negatively, I'm just saying that it's possible).

The only other person who can probably effect me greatly with my relationships is my doctor, because of the sex drive thing.

If I ever have kids then I'm sure there would come a time that they would have a date, and I would naturally want to know all about it and stuff, but I would bloody well hope that I would have the awareness to recognise that this is THEIR life, and that my MAIN part of my life is well gone, and that I need to focus on my own individual stimulation. Luckily I feel that I will be largely capable of stimulating myself and not being too much of a burden on others.

It is nearly time for me to catch up with my girlfriend again, who by the way, I am being the biggest of bastards too. For the first time in a long time I actually cried last night. I started talking a little about the past and I just broke down. I was happy that I did that. It means that I retain a little humanity within me. It may have been mostly lost, but not completely.

I could have changed the sheets on my bed (removing potential evidence from last night), but I'm glad that I wrote this. She will want to turn as much as a blind eye as possible. Humans will mostly believe what they want to believe after all. Fortunately for me, most of what I have wanted to believe seems to have been true. And for all of my rashness in recent times, I never forget about my past. I'm acutely aware of it, and of the things and people that are of most importance.

It's been a whirlwind period for me; especially the last week. Maybe I will write more soon. Thank you very much to anyone who reads my writing and gets anything at all from it. That means a lot to me.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Happiness = Selfishness

End of thread

Well not exactly...

It is nice to have these boards back up. I have felt like writing stuff on here during different phases of the last week or so, but obviously have had those attempts thwarted by the site being down. So whatever I was going to right then, I will not right now - well at least things will be worded differently I guess.

And now I don't even really know what to say. So much has been going on. I seem to b

e a completely different person

now, though it is slightly relieving to me to realise that I am still keen and happy enough to write this post. I just have no motivation for meaningful writing now in most forms (I do write currently about the TDF! Actually that highlights how I seem to have returned more to who I was 10 years ago, being RIGHT into sport and not so much into women or myself, at least emotionally....though that last comment is not entirely true), and I can't seem to do anything about that.

Anyway, I have always been a very individual person, which I suppose can also equal selfish. But my selfishness seems to have gone beyond what it ever was. Everything is just me, me, me. But yet I don't seem to be feeling great guilt or hatred of myself either. Go Figure.

When I broke up with my last girlfriend (I guess you could say in Seinfeld terms that I made the switch) I gave many of those closest to me kittens. The thing is, is that I am 30 years old, so on the one hand I should be given some freedom, but on the other hand I am living with my parents so I owe them to let them know what is going on; at least to a certain degree.

So all I was thinking about really (although I was thinking of a great deal many things on a pretty damn harrowing night), was getting the whole break up over with. Once that was done I turned my phone off (not wanting calls from the ex) and went over to my new girlfriends place. I'd left my bed in quite a mess from all the torn up photos of us that she'd left there - we'd left straight after that, me taking her back home. So that night my parents got home, saw the carnage (and as my brother being correctly harsh on me later pointed out), thought about my past, with my penchant for doing runners (quitting jobs) and even admitting to mildly suicidal thoughts and stuff, so they got very scared indeed and called the cops and reported me missing. It wasn't until 11am the next morning that I turned my phone on. The contradiction was that while my parents were calling my brother (and as I later heard this dragged him away from some hot girl that he was in the process of potentially pulling) and my friends (who were all trying to enjoy their Saturday nights), I was in my own area of heaven. That's right: as I told her, a few hours before had been hell, so I'd gone from hell to heaven just like that. And unlike all the lying that I've been doing to other girls lately, this girl is most definitely different. I really do think that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and that I am indeed a very lucky puppy. Yet I still just want to cheat (sexually) almost all the time. Yep, go figure.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

I will try to bring myself and you guys up to speed with what has been going on. A few months ago I just suddenly snapped or something - not in at all an angry way; but I just suddenly felt totally free, and suddenly there were pretty much no rules. To some extent I have since played the game with everyone, except for the girl who actually asked me to play it. Go figure.

After only knowing my latest girlfriend for a week, I woke up and started zoning out/in about her, rolling around ideas for a poem. This has always been the best type of indication that a girl means a lot to me. The only annoying thing is that these natural thoughts haven't really transpired into motivation to actually right much down. At present I have a whole lot of lines that generally do not flow or anything, and I can't be bothered to do anything with them, though I do very much hope to get a proper poem done in the next week or two. In the past I could just do it - geez, a poem that I am comparing it to I spun out in about two hours; and that is one of my best ever works. Perhaps I am just too happy in my relationship right now to write anything productive about it. Maybe all the best writing comes from more challenging times and/or from those you can't have?

Something about that zoning in day that did matter too, was that if I could have had the pick of any girl in the world to see that day, it would be her, and I quite surprised myself, not just because of the past, but because I thought that I might have lost the capacity to feel like that again.

If my life was a porno then the recent period would be called Greg Does Asia! A few months ago I saw my first hooker, and it's been a relatively regular thing to do this ever since. Here's something that bemuses me a little about the whole hooker thing. I am going to yes, have some fun, but also to build up my confidence with sex/women, to try to make women fall for me to get into a relationship or to just get some cheaper sex, and also to massage my own ego. I realise that I am quite good in the sack. I am much larger down there then what I ever assumed, and can get most women off easily enough. I am also handsome, a nice kisser, etc, so women can REALLY like me. But I struggle to see why uglier men would go and pay for sex. Personally I wouldn't see any point in still going if I could tell that women weren't at all into me. I'd just whack off at home (or better still, get my sex drive REMOVED! I wonder if any bloody morons out there would ever think of that!!!), or maybe I'd go once as year as just a present to myself or something. Some women will not even allow kissing to some customers, but sometimes this is just for those they don't find handsome. Like I've said, I am quite an attractive guy, but the key thing really is the emotional availability of the woman. I went to a new one Friday night, and I was so great, and she was so into me, that I was 99% convinced that she would want to be my girlfriend (I was just planning to have her on the side for cheaper sex), but to my surprise she said that she was not interested in having a boyfriend because they would just want to use her for money. So this is like the stereotypical reverse!

To some extent I can see why a hooker wouldn't want a boyfriend. If guys are always paying THAT much for you to put out, then why would they just give it up for free?

My first hooker experience was really good, and I reckon that the girl was right into me, but I wasn't prepared to play the game then, and let it slip, and I've never seen her again. The second girl was smoking hot too, and also likes me, though I haven't been able to get anything for free from her (I've been with her a second time, but she still says she can't see me out of work). See, even though I am attractive and playing the game to its upmost potential, it's still incredibly hard to get it

without directly paying for it.

Only 3 women have given it up to me thus far.

Women are how I used to be: they have their principles.

The 3rd hooker was a drunken city disaster (I couldn't get it up!) and the 4th was my last girlfriend. She is what I would call highly emotionally available; as opposed to some other women I have met in the past who have been undateable lol.

On a side topic, one of the last things that I read from The Girl was that we need to be living to have lots of things to write about, but when we do have lots to write we don't therefore necessarily have the time to do so. This is so true. I have probably rolled 100 epic posts around my head in recent times; oh well, they're all lost forever!

Anyway, I saw my last girlfriend the first day after we met, and I had her hook, line and sinker. I was a bastard throughout the whole thing; not in the sense of not being a generally nice person, for that I will always be, but I just lied all the time emotionally. I've probably said it on here, but relationships are very much related to 2 phrases uttered by Rihanna. "Make me feel, like I'm the only girl in the world," and "I love the way you lie." If I had kept to those 2 rules (plus also had higher self-esteem) then I would have gotten plenty of vag over my time, but like I am sure I have said elsewhere, my life would have been far more emptier if that was the case.

When a girl really is your only girl in the world, then it is just too difficult for them to respect you or themselves (your views for them, not giving them others to rate themselves against and potentially higher then).

It was always my last girlfriend who said she loved me first or whatever. I would just repeat whatever she said. She would like what I said, just because I said it. This differs to my new girlfriend who likes a lot of what I say because of what I've said. There is a marked difference. My new girlfriend is very intelligent. She is not easily offended and gets most of my silly humour. She has bad parts to her (bad can add to ones personality), but also good. She comes across as very confident, but has already made me aware that she is actually quite shy (and yes, she often blushes and looks away from me when I tell her how gorgeous she is). I instantly liked this moment which happened as we walked in the city completely INTO each other. There wasn't going to be any accidental deceit.

My last girlfriend is the most lovely person that I have ever met. She reminds me of myself when I was younger, when I used to be good, but also in hindsight unloveable. She used to come out with a lot of lovely truths too, partly I guess because she was so nice and would never consider to play any games (I think that she only ever played one, which was some attempt at emotional blackmail as we were breaking up, which almost worked). Early on she said as I was driving and being quiet (another great thing about my new girlfriend, she doesn't have to say much, we are comfortable in each others silence), "I think that I love you more than you love me." I of course denied this (unlikely to have kept getting the vag if I'd told truths like that!), but it's one of the most honest things that I've ever heard. It was actually spot on to what I said to my girlfriend last year, that she loved me more than I did her. She partly did this herself though, with her insistence on pushing me away and in her constant games; I had much stronger feelings for her than for my last girlfriend. Yet she was a bitch a lot of the time, while my more recent ex was basically an angel. Yep, go figure.

So I went into my last relationship just lying and getting a lot of 'free' sex. Though it's not like she meant nothing at all to me either. It is hard for me to explain. It was nice enough to be around her most of time, though basically this just means that it is mostly better to have a partner than to be single, so in that way she was a mere convenience. And the less that I cared about her emotionally, the more she seemed to love me.

She wasn't just a friend either, for we went on a trip to Halls Gap and had a pretty lovely time (also had sex 8 times in 3 days, I think that 3 times I didn't cum, which kept me with some energy!). She just could never stimulate me mentally and emotionally. I tried to explain this a number of times during our break up, during which I came out with some of my better conversation ever (I seem to be at my best when things are all over). I was mostly truthful. I even mentioned that I'd done it with a couple of hookers while we were dating (kind of cool of her when you think about it). She said that she understood that men need to do this and that she didn't mind. I did not say that I was now cheating on her with another girl though, though that was/is as much to protect the other girl as myself. The same goes with my recent conversations with my parents.

There seems to be a lot of my experiences with my original sweetheart being repeated with my ex. But a role reversal. She can't hate me and still wants to be friends. It's as if she is lucky if I allow her to still be my friend. She said that if I ever regret what I have done then I should contact her because she will be waiting for me forever. Thankfully she seems to be changing her view on this already. I told her that there are times in our lives when we are 100% convinced that we can never feel that strongly about anyone else, but that incredibly this can and does change. I was telling her that one day she is going to laugh at herself when she thinks about how much she loved me, when she finds a man that really loves her. I told her that it is nobodys fault if another does not love them like they deserve to be loved; that she did everything right with me as my boyfriend to make me love her. It's not her fault that I didn't. A lot of our break up involved me crying and saying, "it's not your fault," which was 100% honest. It was also quite reminiscent of Good Will Hunting.

I cried during a period of that evening like I don't ever recall crying before. It seems to have been the mostI have ever howled in grief while crying, and I was the one doing the breaking up! I thought that maybe a part of me had been lost forever, as I questioned how could I destroy someone like this, someone who I used to be like. But all those tears seemed to release a lot of bad feelings rather than release any good ones, and I have felt much better for THAT cry, during moments which I feel I will always remember.

When she had tried to give her and us more chances numerous times, it was finally hitting her that yes, her love was ditching her. She then said that she was going to quickly leave Australia (abandoning her studies), go to China, then go to Canada to start a new life where nobody knew her. She was then insisting that I sleep with that night (we were on my bed, I had to drive her back there after initially trying to break up with her at her place where she would have her family for support, but she said to go back because she had things to get.....really she just wanted more time to change my mind). She was laying in my bed, I started to tell her to "get up," slowly more sternly each time. She kept saying "no," in a baby tone. After going to cave in, as we hugged and cried together, I thought to myself that maybe she hasn't had "no" said to her enough and been able to deal with adversity. So I actually toughened up for a rare recent time and stood up for myself. I thought that maybe she has parents who can just allow her to go off to Australia and live, and then Canada if she so pleases. I thought it was too overthetop to leave a country and their life just because of me. Later as I drove I realised what a hypocrite I was!

After my final "no" my ex climbed out of bed, opened our photo book and one by one ripped them all down the middle. This was strangely when I stopped crying. Maybe it made me feel less bad? Maybe I thought that I would never throw a mini tantrum like that in front of someone? But then again I have never been hurt like that before, well probably not deliberately and not in any conventional relationship way.

Later I thought of the boy who had quit his job and gone to love overseas because a relationship didn't go his way.

But then later I also thought of that same boy, and how he had never tried any emotional blackmail on anyone; even though hindsight tells him that doing so probably would have allowed him to get his own way. And I realised that that boy was a pretty amazing person in his own fucked up way!

I have one final comment for now (after what has been a very productive and meaningful writing session). I said to my ex that it was not right for one partner to love the other a lot more than the other, and gave an example of her best friends. She shocked me by declaring that the guy in that relationship didn't love the girl as much, and that they had even understood this and carried on. I still don't think it's right. I don't believe that women should always be at their best when they're treated like shit.

I am off to see my new girlfriend. I am about to remind myself that I am a very lucky puppy.

[chemcast scot (imported)]

when i first came here i was sure that i did not want my testicles anylonger and joined this for to get plenty of information about castration and even after i joined here it took me a long time to go and see my own doctor about it but i finaly did and after being sent to see a psychiatrist i was put on a course of cyproterone that was the start of my new life and i am truly glad that i did for i am more than happy to be chemicaly castrated but it suits me but that is not to say that this lifestyle is for everyone and no doubt that is why we have to jump hrough hoops of fire to get just what we want

[SplitDik (imported)]

I like the overall perspective that you're taking, about it all being about improving one's life in terms of "happiness".

My suggestion though is that you have to be careful in how you define happiness and how you pursue it. There is a reason that Taoists (some of the most thoughtful people on living a contented life) include yin and yang. Happiness pretty much doesn't exist without unhappiness, and as soon as you reach any peak (or static position in life) there are forces that naturally work against that balance.

Another point is that our bodies are extremely complex, and our common tendency is to oversimply their functioning (even the medical community makes this mistake). Chemical castration drugs were designed for cancer patients, where any and all side effects are considered better than dying. Chemical castration drugs were not designed for suppressing libido specifically, and especially not really meant for otherwise healthy individuals. So the result is going to be imperfect -- you may get bone density problems, can become moody or depressed, can have hot flushes, can gain weight, can lose strength and competitive drive, etc.

So unfortunately chemical castration is going to be a compromise -- you're very likely to lose something good. So the question is whether it is worth it.

I personally have struggled with this, and finally decided that being an over-sexed male is better than the alternatives. My suggestion is to use masturbation as a positive tool to take the edge off the frustration, and then otherwise embrace your maleness and do all the testosterone things which are actually fun (channel your violent urges into heavy exercise, sports like boxing, etc.) Enjoy the feeling of waking up energized, feeling confident, etc.

There are others who will prefer the alternative, but I'm just saying don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Recognize the positives in your lot in life (generally a good idea anyway) and don't focus on the negative (the sexual frustration). For me, turning masturbation from an embarrassing feeling of failure into a positive method of toning down my sexual frustration allowed me to turn the corner and finally realize that castration wasn't for me (almost too late as I have serious permanent damage to my testicles from years of fairly serious attempts at damaging them).

Hope that helps!

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

I am definitely adept (professional one might even say) at digging ditches.

I am going through a really horrible phase in my life. Not a horrible phase of my life, but of who I am. I seem intent on self-destruction. This could be for a variety of reasons.

I really haven't bothered with writing on the EA lately, since everything that I do needs to (potentially) lead to sex - to some degree. But right now my father has just come into the spare room (where I am on the computer) to watch the television; and I got out of my porn vids just in time. I spend soooooo much time on porn these days it's a fucking disgrace. But I can't seem to do much about it, nor even bother to make any sort of genuine attempt at improving my behaviour and habits.

And anything can be improved - even with stuff we're addicted too.

I almost view it daily nowadays, yet I rarely go all the way and ejaculate fully to it. I am conciose (always had trouble spelling that) to try hard not too, since it's likely I will be able to get real sex at some stage in the not too distant future; and it's best that I save my supplies for that. I am actually quite good at sex, and I do enjoy it, though I realise what it isn't - which is anything to do with love. Still, I certainly don't hate that I'm having sex or anything.

I'm not sure how much of my recent behaviour is down to being a man, or just being me. I could be still trying to get with various women (even though I feel very much in love with my partner) because I realise that I am attractive now and feel confident that I can actually get it (this would be the simply being a man thing), because I feel frustrated that my doctor hasn't given me pills to really help me with reducing/removing my sex drive when I wanted to do so (I'm not sure if right now I want to have it removed, since I am having good sex, though I realise how my sex drive could completely destroy basically everything in my life), because I still dream of being with The Girl and therefore want to destroy everything (the truth is that my best guess is that The Girl wanted to be with me without my sex drive - I was too weak to continue to strive/wait for that).

I'm sure I've had other possible reasons come to mind, but can't think of any just now.

I have continued with my persistence in trying to get with a married woman at work. I will get nowhere with it, feel that it's okay, that I've gotten that off my chest and can resist still trying and start being sensible and preserve what I have in life (and I have a lot of good stuff), and then a couple of days later I just can't help but try again! And for me it's nothing but a sexual thing, though I can see that she is a nice/sensible girl.

So tonight I decided to send a VERY risky email - which was to ask her directly to meet me after work...this obviously failed. When I sent it there was one of the bosses going into her office (as I was leaving), so maybe he could have even seen it - oh my (this all could really destroy me, deservedly so perhaps). But my idiocy goes even further, for there's a chance that she did go to the place. By the time I was about to leave it was quite dark, and a car did have it's lights on...it was black I think, similar colour - but I wasn't even exactly sure what her car was! I didn't have the courage to go to the car and see who it was, so I simply drove off, though I did take notice of the number plate. I had walked out of car before I left to put out some rubbish...so I think that surely she would have seen me then - if it was her. I doubt it, but many strange things happen in my life!

My dad must be wondering why I am typing like this, but I don't think he is looking at it - watching Insight (a conversational group show about important social/political topics).

A big issue with having my sex drive and wanting to fuck so many women, is that society doesn't allow us to simply ask everyone we met, "Do you want to have sex with me?" and give a yes, no or maybe (which would depend on how you play the game I suppose), so that leaves us with all these maybe's that are just highly annoying, and potentially can lead to some life destroying decisions (which mine tonight could be). There's also the fact that the riskier the behaviour (or just bullish) to try to get with a woman, the more that she is potentially turned on and therefore you could get 'some'. The guy actually has to go beyond the boundaries of just casual asking, which means that you can get it or cause some very major and understandable offence. The way that I always used to be kind of, "Would you mind being with me?, I mean, if it's not too much trouble. I really don't want to cause trouble or anything. And I very much doubt that you like me, but if you do, then well, perhaps you would just consider seeing me, pretty please, I'll be nice...."

That was me. An adorable puppy, but ultimately undateable.

I suppose that life is about risk. I have gotten an amazing reward (my current girlfriend) as a result of some ridiculously risky behaviour. If she had frowned upon it then she could have simply made a scene, and I wouldn't have had any girlfriend (though I'm pretty sure I would have picked up another soon enough), but as it turns out she was highly turned on by my bullish desire to be with her, regardless of anything else.

And as she said to me, "I don't care. I got what I wanted."

I feel as if maybe I didn't take that philosophy onboard enough in the past.

My girlfriend does sweep me off my feet. When I am with her I feel as if I couldn't be more in love. Yes, it is a very strong physical relationship, but it ain't just sex. Our best times are probably all the basic physical carressing and kissing (and tickling!) that we do. I love it when I hold her. I seem to be loving virtually everything about her (well, she does smoke!), even though she says very little.

She comes out with highly intelligent things on occasion. Like the other day she said of how she doesn't like to say much, because the more you say the more trouble you get into, or the more offence you naturally cause.

Our relationship has already been full of great stories. I'm already onto my final strike with her parents, thanks to our shenanigans (I have thought about her father cutting my balls off to punish me...which perhaps wouldn't be punishment!), and we just have so many wonderful little things together.

I've even written her a couple of great stories, though I don't really have the same motivation to do this as I used too. But the ideas still come to me, which is one of the best signs for us I feel.

Even though I still want to have sex with other women, I don't want to leave her for anyone (which was the case with my last girlfriend). Right now I want to marry her. That's what I think anyway, even though it may contradict my behaviours (such as even writing this post, which is kind of an evil, since I believe that The Girl reads it, and in my own mind - for whatever reason that I can't understand - I shouldn't be interacting with her...at least I have stayed clear of her blogs for many months...not that I'd EVER want them gone; yet another major contradiction).

There was something that I read a week or two back that had quite an effect on me. I just loved the writing, in all it's different tones. So I say that I don't want to read stuff from her, but in fact what I was doing then was seeking it out. Sometimes I just can't help myself. Perhaps what is posted online is always meant to find someone of some sort of relevance.

There is no doubt in my mind that my past has the potential to change anything in the past and perhaps future of my life. I've just said too much publicly - without bent truths.

My girlfriend is wildly fascinating. She is part Muslim; I say part because it is not too serious, though others will make their own conclusions on that (she is undertaking Ramadan this month). Her parents are not. She decided to take it onboard off her own bat, following on from her grandmother. I don't question her religion (I always encourage others to have their own beliefs), but have vehemently stated that I will never convert to it, or any other religion, and have gone into some of my life past to explain.

She has a major sleeping disorder, and has recently begun to take anti-depressants (I haven't had the courage yet to tell her that I have been on them too - though I have been very lazy with it all this year and often haven't taken them...probably not a good thing...been consistent again the past week and should try to keep this up; they also make it harder to cum which makes me even better at sex!). I was kind of blown away when she said that her problems started when she was about 14 (she is nearly 20 now). She is from a broken family, though in this case I think it is more her overactive mind that is the cause (perhaps another effect of puberty even?). She is a highly intelligent woman.

I suggested that she try sleeping only on every other night, but I didn't say where I'd gotten this idea from.

She doesn't like the bush. Rather, she loves the beach. Last Friday she suggested a night walk on Frankston beach, and it was one of the best moments of my life.

I am sure that there are so many more things that I could write, but right now I will stop. It is August 2nd, 2011. Who knows how important this day will turn out to be for me? Dates and years can often hold great meaning though, so much so that they never really leave your mind. I was reminded of that recently fourtunately. It was pure genius.

Maybe in time I will bother to reply to the nice posts that have been made on this rambling thread of mine.

Maybe in time I will bother to cherish what I have.

But for now I just hope that tomorrow is not a case of fuck me.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Just something else for now (while I am in the mood). The other day I went out with my family to celebrate my mum's birthday, and it was really apparent just how totally obsessed with sex I've become. All I was doing the first half of the evening was just trying to check out all the female waitresses that were on display. Now sure, in the past I've always checked women out, but it hasn't been totally mind consuming. And when I'd masturbate I'd fantasise greatly, but outside of that, life wasn't totally dominated by sex (at least from what I could/can tell). But now at 30, I am completely out of control, and just want it way too badly. It wouldn't matter WHO I was with as far as a girlfriend goes. From what I can tell, I would still just want to fuck multiple women, even though I'd often felt when I was younger that if I ever was LUCKY enough to get with a dream girl then surely that would be enough (to be satisfied/happy). But I only feel that it will/would be now, WITHOUT my sex drive.

I am not sure how many people can (or are willing to) try to understand that stuff.

But thanks dad for coming in and 'disrupting' me. I've done ninety minutes of worthwhile writing

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Also while I am in the mood...

How do you write and think like tht?

You really should replace the you with the are. It must be one of your accidental mistakes...obviously.

I've only had nibbles of your recent servings, but I just have to say that you still make me

Big time.

Through my veins indeedy.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

I am not sure that sex does any good for me or for humanity...except for the creation of children.

Here's the deal with it; as best as I can tell.

When a couple are enjoying incredible sex, the outcome (this will probably not be with all men though, maybe just weaker ones such as myself) is thus:

The woman longs only to have further sex with the same man. She doesn't think to herself, "Oh, I am really good at this; therefore I can and will get much more sex from other attractive men out there." Physically, the woman longs only to be loved by one man.

But this is not the case with the man.

He will realise that if he can fill the physical needs of one beautiful woman, then indeed he can do so for another, and another, and so on. And the desire to do so is there, though it is only there in one part of him - and a very small part at that.

Women do generally like sex though - even if for very understandable reasons many will refuse to admit it - and perhaps need it to satisfy their ego; again this is very understandable, given that for far too long women were only basically able to value themselves through their physical beauty.

Men have been much luckier.

Is it therefore possible to simply remove the dominance of the penis and create human relationship perfection?

Well, you probably will need two humans who can see past their own ego's. You can't remove the ego, but you can be aware of it, and of its major impact on self.

Physically, it should be possible too, for I myself know that I can pleasure a woman merely with my fingers. And whilst doing so, I certainly don't desire to pleasure others.

The other factor might be the general personality change in the man, after he loses his dominant penis. Does he become less loveable when/if he loses his sense of humour? What about if he loses his writing creativity?

As for writing creativity, I got some last night, immediately after she read my latest piece. The possible evil with this was that the piece wasn't just inspired by her; but then again, I don't really see that as evil, for I am highly loveable now because of all the love from The Girl. Pure and simple.

Relationship potential - if this thing goes for any significant length of time - may be largely based upon whether one feels thankful or threatened.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

I have given myself only 5-10 minutes to write this, this morning, which is typical of my sillyness - though also it has something to do with the fact that I am consistently back onto 20mg a day of Lexapro, and it makes me quite tired (I also feel warmer and wake up well before my alarm, which wasn't happening otherwise; this could also just be due to worrying).

But I also want to take Androcur again. Very much so.

It is VERY clear that it is best for me and for the society that encounters me that I remove my sex drive. Perhaps not permanently (I would like to have children), but I would like to live that way for the most part.

Yesterday (as my life pressures continued to build - this has showed that fear can be good as well as bad; it can scare you into being proactive) I booked to see my doctor for September 1, thinking that I didn't have a booking. But they called back to say that I did; for this Friday. Yes!

I am going to do my upmost to get Androcur this time, and if I don't then I will look at a way of travelling to Thailand for a brief period and getting some. It's time for me to go out into the world and to get what I want. It's not for others to be too scared of the truths that I face, because they are scared that it might bring some of their own inner demons into the open.

You live your life. I will live mine.

I have booked my car in for a long overdue service on Saturday and I am getting a haircut too. And I am also getting a puppy.

Though I may be losing my girlfriend.

Her latest facebook post was, "Shoes don't break up wid you."

A female work 'mate' of mine said in my vicinity 2 days ago to a fellow female friend, "He is so dead mate." And I see all the signs, and think that I probably am. I would like to explain more now, but have no time.

Oh, one more thing. Last night I watched an episode of Lewis, and a question proposed was, "What is related between the years 1939 and 2008?" I can't remember what the answer was, but I really liked the question