One Eunuch's Journey

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I first became aware of castration in the summer of 2005, when I stumbled across a discussion thread on the topic on Tribe.net. I was fascinated by the idea that a man would voluntarily choose to be castrated. As I read more about it I learned about the eunuch calm, and from there it didn't take long for fascination to morph into desire. My whole life had been a struggle with depression and anxiety and I longed for the peace that many eunuchs reported. The idea of a greatly reduced sex drive also had a certain appeal. I had by this time become an obsessive cruiser, spending as much as 30-40 hours a week at the park or online trying to hook up for anonymous sex, and I liked the idea of losing that compulsion.

It didn't take long for my castration desires to become an obsession. I thought about it all the time. I masturbated to castration fantasies. I found the Eunuch Archive and read all I could there. I also found a chatroom dedicated to castration on gay.com (this was back when gay.com allowed user-created chatrooms). I would lurk in that chatroom for hours while guys talked about their castration fantasies and desires. I didn't feel I could talk to anyone about my feelings, least of all my partner, so I suffered alone with my obsession.

In November of '05, I was visiting Dallas. The friend I'd gone to see didn't have time to spend with me and I found myself alone and depressed. I got really drunk and decided that I would castrate myself. The plan was to tie off my balls and wait for them to become numb, cut them off with a box cutter, then go to the ER to get sewn up. I took a zip-tie and zipped it as tight as I could get it around my scrotum, then poked at it with the box cutter every 15 minutes to see if it was numb enough to cut. Of course I never did become numb enough to cut without pain, and even as drunk as I was (I had consumed an entire bottle of vodka) I couldn't bring myself to inflict that kind of pain on myself, so I just fell asleep with the zip-tie still around my balls. I woke up the next morning with my scrotum swollen to the size of a grapefruit and incredibly painful. I wound up having to go to the ER to get the zip-tie removed, then follow up with a urologist to find out if I had permanently damaged my balls. It turned out I hadn't damaged them at all (I was somewhat disappointed by this). While waiting for the results from the urologist I asked my partner if he would still love me if I lost my balls. He said he didn't know. It would take another year for me to finally split with him, but that conversation was the beginning of the end for us.

Over the next year my obsession with castration continued to grow, and I continued to keep it to myself. I started therapy for my depression but never felt able to share my castration desires with my therapist. What my therapy did accomplish was to help me realize I was in a dysfunctional relationship, and at the end of 2006 I finally worked up the courage to leave my partner.

Once out of that relationship I felt free to pursue my goal of becoming a eunuch. Through the gay.com chat room I found a cutter in Dallas who was willing to help me. I went to meet him and saw photographs of previous castrations he had done. I was satisfied that he would take the proper precautions regarding sterility etc. and stayed in regular contact with him over the next several months.

It was during this time that I met Troy. He had recently moved to Austin and was looking to make new friends. We started hanging out together and it didn't take long for friendship to blossom into something more. I was falling in love with him, but knew that he would have to accept me as a eunuch if anything was going to work between us. So I shared with him about my castration desires and asked him if he thought he could love a eunuch. He was taken aback but once I explained my reasons he was fully supportive. He had some misgivings about my using a cutter, until they met and the cutter assured him that he would take me straight to the ER if anything went wrong. So with Troy's full blessing I scheduled the date with the cutter.

On June 19, 2007, Troy and I made the drive to Dallas for my castration. It turned out the guy who normally assisted the cutter wasn't available this time, so Troy was drafted to assist. I was sent to shave my balls while the cutter sterilized his tools. He laid out several sterile pads on his guest bed and had me lie on them. He swabbed my scrotum with disinfectant and injected me with lidocaine in several places. After a few minutes I was perfectly numb. He made an incision on the right side of my scrotum and cut through the layers of skin and membrane until he reached the testis. Once he had the testis exposed he injected more lidocaine into the cord. He had Troy hold the testis while he clamped and then cut the cord. He asked me if I would like to hold my ball and I said yes. I held it and just stared, fascinated. Here I was holding something that had been inside me just a few minutes before. The cutter tied off and sutured the remaining cord and tucked it back inside my scrotum. He then sutured up the incision just as neatly as you please. Then he repeated the whole process with the left side. The only difference was that this time Troy was the one to cut the cord. I felt nothing the whole time they were working on me.

After they finished I was told to rest on the bed while they cleaned up. I was only too happy to do so. As I lay there the lidocaine wore off and I began to feel like someone had kicked me in the groin. The pain began to make me nauseous, so I told Troy I felt like I was going to throw up and asked him to help me to the bathroom. He helped me out of bed and toward the bathroom door. The next thing I knew I was lying on the floor with Troy and the cutter standing over me looking very concerned. I had passed out. They helped me back to bed and forbade me to get up again till morning. I was given Vicodin for the pain and to help me sleep.

The next morning I woke up feeling better but still sore. I was given more Vicodin and ordered to rest the whole day, which I did. I was also given antibiotics to stave off infection. My scrotum was swollen to about the size of an orange.

The next day it was time to go back to Austin. Troy was to do the driving. I was given a supply of antibiotics and Vicodin, and instructed to bathe daily with antibacterial soap. We made the trip back home with no problems. Troy stayed with me to assist in my recuperation. By the first of July he had moved all his stuff in and was officially living with me.

The day after returning to Austin I was back at work. Fortunately my job at the time involved sitting at a desk for most of the day so I didn't have to move around too much. I had told my boss I needed the time off for minor surgery so I didn't have to try to pretend nothing had happened. I had made up my mind that if anyone asked why my groin was swollen or why I was walking funny I would simply tell them I had had a hernia operation, but no one ever questioned me.

I did have one minor complication during my healing. The swelling on the right side of my scrotum went down fairly quickly, but on the left side it did not. Eventually, after my sutures had dissolved and come out, the pressure caused the incision to pop open again. When this happened a dark red substance began to ooze out through the opening. I took advantage of the situation and began to squeeze my swollen scrotum. A huge mass of dark red jelly squirted out. It was one of the grossest things I've ever seen but boy did it feel good to get rid of it. With the left side of my scrotum finally drained, the incision healed back up on its own with no need for resuturing. Two weeks after my surgery I was almost completely healed.

I suppose this is the point at which I'm supposed to talk about how foolish I was to use a cutter and tell readers not to do as I did. But the fact is I have no complaints at all about my cutter experience. He was very careful and thorough and kept everything as sterile as possible. I honestly doubt that a licensed surgeon could have done a much better job. And in any event, even had I been able to find a licensed doctor to do the procedure, I could never have afforded their fee on my income. I'm thankful that my cutter was there when I needed him and still keep in touch with him to this day. If I had it to do over again I wouldn't do it any differently. I was definitely one of the lucky ones out of those that have used cutters.

Anyway, about two weeks post-castration was when I crashed from lack of testosterone. My emotions went completely haywire for about a week. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I also began to experience hot flashes. It didn't take too long for my emotions to level out, however, and I started to experience the eunuch calm. I was so happy. I also began to notice the decrease in my sex drive as well as an increased desire for non-sexual, physical intimacy. Cuddling and touching became much more important to me, and Troy was only too happy to reciprocate. And sex, when we had it, became more about intimacy rather than mere physical relief. So I guess you would say that sex post-castration is more emotionally satisfying.

So here I am, almost five years post-castration and overall I'm still very happy with my results. I still have some anxiety issues so it wasn't quite the cure-all I'd hoped it would be, but overall I'm much calmer than I used to be. Whereas my life before was a constant emotional roller coaster, I'm on a much more even keel now. I have a reasonably active sex life with Troy that keeps me satisfied both physically and emotionally. I can't top him, but we have an open relationship so he is free to get that need met elsewhere. My erections have become less and less frequent, and it's now been so long since my last one that I've begun to wonder if they're gone for good. It's okay with me if they are. The important thing is that I now control my sex drive instead of it controlling me.

[Cainanite (imported)]

Thank-you for your post.

Be prepared for a flood of interested parties looking to get the contact information for your cutter.

I'm glad everything went smoothly for you. You are definitely one of the lucky ones.

Hopefully one day we won't have to rely on such underground methods for ourselves. There are so many things that can go wrong for us when we go outside of the accepted medical community. I'm very glad to hear your story had a happy ending.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I remember my first gay sexual encounter. I was living in Abilene, right in the middle of the Bible belt. I was attending a Christian college and was a faithful member of a local Charismatic church. I was 28 and had been suppressing my gay feelings since I was 13, and I was miserable.

One day my sociology professor mentioned in class that the park adjacent to the local gay bar was a "cruising spot," a place where gay men would go to meet other gay men for sex. This was news to me. I knew about the gay bar but had never been able to bring myself to go there. But the idea that you could go to a park and meet someone to have sex with...that both repelled and fascinated me. I filed the information away for future reference.

I should mention that my chief weapon in the battle to suppress my gay self was my religion. It was largely my fear of my gay feelings that drove me to religion in the first place. I had prayed and prayed for deliverance from what I saw as this great evil inside of me. But no matter how hard I prayed or wished for deliverance, my gay feelings continued to assert themselves. In the previous year or so I had been losing the battle to the point where I had actually rented gay porn on a number of occasions and even had a vibrator that I used on myself when the urge was too strong to deny. I was being worn down and once I learned about the cruising park is was perhaps inevitable that I would eventually go there.

I should also mention that I had become somewhat disillusioned with my religion in the preceding few months. God's failure (or refusal) to deliver me from my gay self was a part of it, but I was also beginning to question much of what I had been taught by my spiritual mentors. In other words, the time was becoming ripe for me to finally cave in to a side of me that I'd been afraid of for so long.

Finally I could stand it no longer. One evening in the fall of 1996 I waited until near dark, when I knew the men would be gathering, and drove my car to the park in question. As I entered the meandering drive through the park, I saw cars parked here and there, and guys outside their cars talking in a couple of spots. I pulled into a parking space and shut off my engine. I wasn't sure just what I was supposed to do so I just rolled down my window and waited. I watched the other cars as the sun went down, wanting to get out and approach somebody but too afraid to do so. Eventually all but one of the cars left. Presumably their occupants had found what they were looking for.

I was just about to give up and go home when the remaining car flashed its lights. I wasn't sure, but thought this might be the sign I was waiting for, so I flashed mine back. The other car flashed its lights again, then began to pull out of its space. It drove over to the parking alcove I was in and pulled in to the space next to mine. A man got out and walked over to my window. He was fairly tall, slim but not too skinny, with black hair and moustache. All in all pretty attractive. I was terrified but also tremendously exhilarated.

We exchanged hello's and a few pleasantries. I then blurted out that I'd never done this sort of thing before. He said that was ok. He invited me to go to the neighboring bar for a drink. I accepted his invitation eagerly. He got back in his car and I followed him to the bar.

Once I was inside the bar with a beer in my hand everything just came pouring out of me. How long I had been trying to suppress my gay side and how I just couldn't stand it anymore. How terrified I was of losing my family and all my friends, or of ending up with AIDS. He listened quietly and patiently. At some point he reached over and held my hand. A thrill of electricity went through me as he did this. As we finished our drinks I worked up my nerve and asked him if he would like to follow me back to my place. He said that would be fine.

We got to my place and sat down on the couch in my living room. I don't remember what we talked about. I was working up my nerve, and he was leaving the first move up to me. Finally I leaned over and kissed him. I will remember that kiss until the day I die. It was warm and wet and electric and just...well, right. It felt more right than any kiss I'd ever had with a woman. I couldn't get enough. We sat there and made out for probably a good half hour before it finally occurred to me that I wanted more. I invited him to the bedroom and we made our way there. He lay on the bed and I began to undo his pants. I had my first up close sight of another man's erect penis. It was one of the most awesome, beautiful things I had ever seen. My hunger overcame me and I went down on him with a vengeance. I lost all capacity for rational thought as I became lost in the rapture of what I was doing. Eventually he told me he was going to come and I stopped. I watched him shoot his load with rapt fascination. He did up his pants and we lay on the bed, just talking. He seemed interested in seeing me again. I was deeply flattered by his interest. We kissed some more before saying goodnight. As he left I felt that I would never be the same again.

Unfortunately my fears overcame me again not too many days later and I retreated back into the closet for another eight months. It would take a bout with severe depression the next spring and summer to finally get me to admit that I was gay. But I never forgot that kiss and how right it felt. I longed to feel that way again and it was that longing that eventually drove me out of the closet. I still remember that first encounter with great fondness. It is one of my most cherished memories to this day.

[jako9999 (imported)]

I love what you have wrote and its all so true I felt different since I was about 10 the urges got stronger and stronger. I hinted at things with friends in the hope that just may be one of them felt the same but nothing.

I got married at 23 and started my family and am still happily married with children but the urge just got worse till at around 30 that was it I was into gay mags and films if anything came on the tv I would look at the men not the women.

I had to do something so I answered an ad in my local paper by another curios person we actually met in a wood I was scared to death but we had hand and oral fun it was fantastic I never saw him again. then about a year later I answered another ad to an old guy in my area, he was great 60 years old and new I new nothing and helped and showed me everything and I enjoyed every thing. I still see him every 2 to 3 months to have fun I haven't told him I'm a eunuch yet I may just let him feel and find out? He told me of a club not far away where men meet simply for sex and fun where I go 2 to 3 times a year and have fun with several people at once plus the fact that my friend is now impotent I need some hard men but I will never desert him I owe him everything for showing me how I really felt.

I have found though that I prefer to use my hands and tongue, I hate deceiving my wife and I know its still wrong but I feel that at least because I don't use my penis its not quite as bad and its only saved for her and there is never any love just fun. I know many of you will think this is so wrong but I would hate to hurt my wife but I would choose her if it came to it but my life would never be the same again.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

jako,

I sympathize with your position. I was engaged twice myself so narrowly dodged that particular bullet. I wish you the best.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Last night I dreamed I was in college again. It felt so good to be back in an academic environment. That is one place where I always felt at home. I finished my bachelor's degree in August 2003 and took a few graduate courses but unfortunately that's as far as it went. I'd always meant to apply for a fellowship so I could go to grad school full time but somehow never got around to it. Of course I was with my ex at the time and he was not exactly the most supportive human being on the planet so that could have had something to do with it. Anyway my dreams of getting my doctorate and becoming a college professor fell by the wayside. I have a bachelor's degree that did me no good in the professional world and a lot of "what if"'s floating around in my head.

Today I have been thinking about what might have been. What if I had gone to grad school full time like I'd wanted? Would I be teaching at a college somewhere? Would I have my doctorate by now? Would I still be living in Austin? And most importantly, would I still have had the mental breakdown that caused me to lose my last job and now has me stuck in SSDI limbo? I don't know the answers to those questions, and it's unlikely that I ever will. But it's interesting to wonder sometimes, especially when my dreams get me to feeling wistful.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I was watching a show about unusual deaths where they showed a man who actually laughed himself to death, when it dawned on me that I never laugh anymore. I watch comedies like the Simpsons, Family Guy and South Park, and intellectually I know they're funny, but I don't laugh at them. It's the same if someone tells me a joke or something funny happens in my presence. I don't even remember the last time I had a good laugh, and I wonder what the cause is. Could it be a side effect of the eunuch calm? Are other no-T eunuchs unable to laugh? Could it be a side effect of my meds for my panic disorder? Are they dulling my emotional responses to stimuli? Could it be a sign of depression? Do I need my meds adjusted? Whatever it is, I don't like it. I miss being able to laugh at my shows or Troy's jokes. I need to figure out what's causing me not to laugh and see if there's anything I can do about it. I don't mind being calm and even but I don't want to be emotionally dead.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I suffer from panic disorder. It first surfaced in 2002 during a bout with depression. It escalated somewhat in 2005 and I was prescribed ativan to help with the panic attacks. After that flare-up it leveled out somewhat and I had attacks only occasionally for the next several years. The attacks became even less frequent after my castration, although they didn't go away entirely. It wasn't until the spring and summer of 2010 that the perfect storm of circumstances came together to bring about my mental and emotional undoing.

As I said it was the perfect storm of bad circumstances. Troy was having legal problems that were causing a severe financial as well as emotional strain. My mother was terminally ill with pancreatic cancer. My father had three heart attacks within a six month period. I was feeling trapped at my job and having to deal with a homophobic shift leader. And on top of all of that Troy and I were dealing with a toxic roommate that was causing friction between us. I began to have frequent panic attacks. I had my ativan to take when I had them but it knocked me out and rendered me useless for the day. As the attacks increased in frequency they began to affect my attendance at work. I was "counseled" about my attendance which only caused me to feel more pressured and did nothing to alleviate the problem. Finally one day at work everything came crashing down on me and I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I was backed up against the wall doubled over and screaming my head off before Troy came (we were working at the same place at the time) to take me to the back room to calm down. After talking with our supervisor to figure out the best thing to do, Troy took me home and had me take an ativan. I slept the rest of the day.

I was placed on three months paid medical leave and told to get help. I went to a psychiatrist who placed me on some heavy duty medications that left me feeling strongly sedated. I didn't have any more panic attacks but I was like a zombie. I was often too zoned-out to drive. As the end of my three months approached my psychiatrist took me off one of my meds and switched it out for another one in an effort to let me be alert enough to do my job.

As soon as I returned to work the problems began again. The slightest bit of stress would trigger a panic attack. Things began to escalate again. Finally, about three weeks after my return to work, I had another major meltdown. I felt it coming on and fled to the back room as soon as I was able. Troy found me there on the floor in a fetal position.

After that, Troy and I talked and it was decided that I could no longer handle working. I resigned my job and applied for social security disability a month later.

That was December 2010. Today I my disability application still has yet to be resolved. Last month I was sent to a psychologist for an evaluation and I am waiting for a hearing to be scheduled. In the meantime Troy and I are getting by the best we can on one income. It sucks being in limbo like this. Every now and then I think about trying to return to work. What stops me is the knowledge that if it didn't work out I would have to start the disability application process all over again. So I just wait. And wait.

I have promised Troy a vacation if and when my disability is approved. He certainly deserves it. I keep thinking he is bound to start resenting me for not working, but he has been nothing but understanding and supportive. I'm damn lucky to have him and he's been the one bright spot in my life since this all started.

Panic disorder sucks. I don't recommend it.

[Elizabeth (imported)]

I love what you have wrote and its all so true I felt different since I was about 10 the urges got stronger and stronger. I hinted at things with friends in the hope that just may be one of them felt the same but nothing.

I got married at 23 and started my family and am still happily married with children but the urge just got worse till at around 30 that was it I was into gay mags and films if anything came on the tv I would look at the men not the women.

I had to do something so I answered an ad in my local paper by another curios person we actually met in a wood I was scared to death but we had hand and oral fun it was fantastic I never saw him again. then about a year later I answered another ad to an old guy in my area, he was great 60 years old and new I new nothing and helped and showed me everything and I enjoyed every thing. I still see him every 2 to 3 months to have fun I haven't told him I'm a eunuch yet I may just let him feel and find out? He told me of a club not far away where men meet simply for sex and fun where I go 2 to 3 times a year and have fun with several people at once plus the fact that my friend is now impotent I need some hard men but I will never desert him I owe him everything for showing me how I really felt.

I have found though that I prefer to use my hands and tongue, I hate deceiving my wife and I know its still wrong but I feel that at least because I don't use my penis its not quite as bad and its only saved for her and there is never any love just fun. I know many of you will think this is so wrong but I would hate to hurt my wife but I would choose her if it came to it but my life would never be the same again.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

I don't think you are a bad person, but I do think the person you are hurting the most is yourself. I was in the closet a long time, and while I was never unfaithful, I also have to admit I was disinterested in her. But living the lie was what did the most damage. Not being true to the person I was meant to be. This is not a dress rehearsal. There are no do-overs. As much hurt as my coming out of the closet caused, it was not even as close to the harm that living that lie caused. Because it made me hate myself. And later it made me feel like I had wasted a good portion of my life, out of nothing more than fear. I could have come out of the closet any time I wanted. The self loathing, the anger, the depression? That is what the big secret gets you.

You are not a bad person, you have just put yourself in a bad position. Everyone lies, it's just a matter of degree. But you only get to live for yourself once, but you have to allow yourself to.

Elizabeth

[george2u2 (imported)]

I'm now an atheist. Looking back over many decades and my growing in a religious home, I see that the most sexual abuse I ever had was from well meaning but ignorant church leaders.

I couldn't be baptized until I stopped "Playing with Myself" for a year.

When I told the preacher I liked men. It was the "Pray the Gay away" and Get married and it will all go away.

So much for inspiration from his imaginary heavenly friends.

There was always the threat of hell, (Hell was what I was going through in life, not after death)

I'm still legally married to my wife of 33 years, but she has been bedridden and institutionalized for decades.

She knows I have a new boyfriend. I've taken her to Gay meetings, she knows of several people who I've had attractions for in the past, and I think that she would be kind to Darrin as well. Darrin is the one who is afraid of of meeting her. He's met the kids and my son in law, and has no problem with them.

SHAME is the thing that you have to let go of. The whole world can be against you but if YOU internalize shame, It is the elephant in the room. Internalized shame can not be ran from. Just face it. Just like Job, in the bible, he feared God and lost everything. When he turned it around to LOVE god he got everything back and more.

I understand the anxiety, How crippling it is, How nothing seems interesting when you are depressed.

You are lucky to have Tony, and I'm fortunate to hug Darrin.

Oh, how I wish we could give you a big group hug, Show you how to hop, skip and run into fulfilling employment.

However I wish I could do that for millions of others looking for work.

One fellow was looking for work, and asked his successful uncle, what he would do if nobody would hire him.

His uncle paused for a moment and went on to tell him, That is exactly why he went into business for himself. He couldn't find a job either.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I too was an atheist for many years after the loss of my faith until I recently went through a brief pagan phase. I'm now essentially an agnostic although still atheistic toward the biblical god. If divinity exists I suspect it to be in the form of the old gods, waiting for humans to turn away from the false mono god and worship them again.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I talked to my cutter on the phone yesterday. Looks like I will be visiting him during spring break week. I haven't seen him in about a year and look forward to touching base with him and his partner.

[janekane (imported)]

I'm now an atheist. Looking back over many decades and my growing in a religious home, I see that the most sexual abuse I ever had was from well meaning but ignorant church leaders.

I couldn't be baptized until I stopped "Playing with Myself" for a year.

When I told the preacher I liked men. It was the "Pray the Gay away" and Get married and it will all go away.

So much for inspiration from his imaginary heavenly friends.

There was always the threat of hell, (Hell was what I was going through in life, not after death)

I'm still legally married to my wife of 33 years, but she has been bedridden and institutionalized for decades.

She knows I have a new boyfriend. I've taken her to Gay meetings, she knows of several people who I've had attractions for in the past, and I think that she would be kind to Darrin as well. Darrin is the one who is afraid of of meeting her. He's met the kids and my son in law, and has no problem with them.

SHAME is the thing that you have to let go of. The whole world can be against you but if YOU internalize shame, It is the elephant in the room. Internalized shame can not be ran from. Just face it. Just like Job, in the bible, he feared God and lost everything. When he turned it around to LOVE god he got everything back and more.

I understand the anxiety, How crippling it is, How nothing seems interesting when you are depressed.

You are lucky to have Tony, and I'm fortunate to hug Darrin.

Oh, how I wish we could give you a big group hug, Show you how to hop, skip and run into fulfilling employment.

However I wish I could do that for millions of others looking for work.

One fellow was looking for work, and asked his successful uncle, what he would do if nobody would hire him.

His uncle paused for a moment and went on to tell him, That is exactly why he went into business for himself. He couldn't find a job either.

Being ashamed is, as best I can make useful sense of the human condition, the ultimate human tragedy. It is the most devastatingly damaging human brain condition I have ever been able to identify.

When I was about 18 months of age, the age when socialization typically teaches young children to be ashamed, my encounter with being shamed by older people who had learned the ways of being ashamed and shaming others was so fraught with deadly, psychologically shattering peril that I summarily rejected ever becoming ashamed of anything about my life and life experiences. That was a fully conscious event for me. It is, by now, so deeply embedded in my permanent memory as to be, in every way I can recognize, as to be, methinks, eternally indelible.

A few years ago, there was a minor traffic incident at a traffic light in which another driver drove into the side of a small trailer I was pulling with a car. Because of what other people had done and were doing at that intersection, my attention was, for a couple seconds, reflexively directed toward probable danger, and I inadvertently entered the intersection while the traffic light for me was "yellow." I did not enter the intersection when the light was red, and did not "violate" that traffic light.

Another driver called the police, and I waited for the police to arrive. The police officer asked me questions which I answered truthfully, and in answering, never indicated in any way that I thought that either I, or the other driver, was actually "at fault." It is my best guess that the police officer decided that I realized I was at fault (something absolutely untrue) and sent to me a traffic citation in which he claimed, falsely, that I realized that I was at fault.

That eventually led to a trial, during which I stated my finding of being innocent. The police officer was not a witness to the collision of the other driver's car with my trailer, and so had no valid testimony to offer regarding the incident itself. At trial, the other driver never indicated that I was at fault. When came my time to "cross-examine" the police officer, I asked the officer whether he understood that everything I said to him about the incident was of situational attribution and therefore could not possibly be about my being at fault. The officer indicated that he had not so understood. I then asked the officer, in effect, "So, you did not understand what I told you, and you did not ask for clarification?" The officer agreed that he had not understood and had not asked for clarification. That, according to due process, totally erased his testimony about my being at fault. With zero testimony in court to the effect that I was in any way at fault and no testimony in court to the effect that I had "violated" that traffic light, the judge ruled that I was guilty of violating that traffic light based on clear and convincing evidence.

I have two transcripts of that trial, which differ in one critical and essential aspect. The court reporter got part of what I said completely wrong, I understand that the trial was electronically recorded, and the corrected transcript has an accurate version of what I said.

My conclusion, yet only slightly tentative for now? The Anglo-American Adversarial System of Law and Jurisprudence has, in the United States of America, gradually enough to escape blatant attention, morphed itself into a prima-facie unconstitutional established religious cartel.

What is my best guess as to why that judge found me guilty in the total absence of any valid testimony of my being at fault in his courtroom? My best guess is that the judge has so intensely internalized shame as to be so brain damaged from shame as to be incapable of doing any better at recognizing what happened in his courtroom.

Oh, yeah, there is more. After the police officer confabulated the false notion that I realized I was at fault, I set out to learn how to correct that confabulated falsehood. Along the way, I spoke by telephone with the acting city attorney, who promptly informed me of two lies he would allow me to tell in court, my choice. I informed him that I would not tell any lie in court. He told me that I had to enter a plea and had to accept one or the other of his two lies as my plea. I told him that I would not enter any plea. He told me that I had to enter a plea. I guess he was clueless to the fact that I had read the relevant Wisconsin statutes and accurately understood that, if a defendant does not enter a plea, the judge is mandated by statute to enter a not guilty plea on behalf of the defendant. So, to test the veracity of that acting city attorney, I said, "If I have to enter a plea, I will plead contempt of court." The acting city attorney immediately "hung up the phone" without saying a single word to me.

Have situational factors assigned to me the role of being a whistle-blower regarding what has, perchance unwittingly, become an authoritarian coercive religious establishment which has become, according to its own rules, tragically unconstitutional?

An adversarial system court judge rules that I violated some law I did not violate, and I set about to inform the adversarial system that its adversarial methodology has violated me (and everyone else, including its most sincerely religious adherents).

But then, in another post, I commented about my liberal arts college life phase and my having studied, in college, "contemporary religious thought." Without identifying myself, as that college has, over the years, had many students, I surmise that I can safely name the college: Carleton College, Northfield, Mionnesota. And I can safely name my contemporary religious though Carleton professor. Ian G. Barbour, who gave the Gifford Lectures and was awarded the Templeton Prize during the 1990s for is work directed toward understanding process philosophy and process theology as a unified field. Barbour was a college physics department chairman prior to studying religion at Yale and becoming Professor of Religion and Physics at Carleton.

My formal education includes ways of studying the realm of religion as a field of fully proper scientific inquiry. The non-overlapping magesteria notion of Stephen Jay Gould and his cohorts is, in my personal and professional view, of the realm of pseudo-science, from a human brain biology perspective.

If you are traditionally orthodox, my best hunch is that you may tend to deem me to be a form of heretical apostate.

And yet, is not every finding of scientific inquiry which replaces, or adds to, prior scientific orthodoxy necessarily and inexcapably of the work of scientific heretical apostates?

As for nobody being willing to hire me; some folks did hire me, and I recognized as they did so that my being hired might be a transient experience. Having anticipated that during my early childhood, I started a business, which I continue to operate, while in sixth grade. In my business, I have never fired any employee. Perhaps that is because I have always been the only employee of my business.

If I believed more in luck than in conscientiously directed effort, I suppose I would deem those of us who have found meaningful relationships and who are Archive members, to be among the lucky ones.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I've been somewhat down today. There are times when I miss working and today has been one of those times. It's funny, when I was working I would have given anything not to have to work and now that I'm not working there are times when I would give anything to be able to work again. Today I miss having coworkers to interact with every day. I miss having a reason to get up every morning other than just seeing Troy off to work. I miss having something to do besides the little bit of upkeep our small apartment requires. I miss having a sense of purpose. Of course I miss the income too but that should be taken care of if and when my disability is approved. I think the main thing I miss is the social interaction. I feel so isolated sometimes being at home alone. One can only watch so much tv and surf so much internet. Oh well, maybe I'll feel better when Troy gets home.

[Cainanite (imported)]

I've been somewhat down today. There are times when I miss working and today has been one of those times. It's funny, when I was working I would have given anything not to have to work and now that I'm not working there are times when I would give anything to be able to work again. Today I miss having coworkers to interact with every day. I miss having a reason to get up every morning other than just seeing Troy off to work. I miss having something to do besides the little bit of upkeep our small apartment requires. I miss having a sense of purpose. Of course I miss the income too but that should be taken care of if and when my disability is approved. I think the main thing I miss is the social interaction. I feel so isolated sometimes being at home alone. One can only watch so much tv and surf so much internet. Oh well, maybe I'll feel better when Troy gets home.

I feel your pain.

I've recently lost my job of the last three years. I've been off for a month now, and I've had a few low days.

I didn't lose my job due to anything I did or didn't do. Unfortunately for me, my employers recently moved locations. They moved to a much larger and more expensive building. Despite it being "bigger and better" they failed to think about parking or easy access. The new place has neither.

Well guess what? Because customers couldn't easily get in and out, our clientele dropped off by less than half. Twice the size of the building. Twice the costs of operation. Half the income. It was simple mathematics. Some of the staff had to go, and I was one of that number.

Despite being consistent in my sales, and remaining one of the best ranked salespeople, I was full-time, and had only been there three years. There were three full time people in my department. They laid off the guys who had been there the least amount of time. Myself - 3 years. One other guy - 2 years. Laying us off, they only had to pay five weeks severance(total). If they laid off the third guy (who I consistently outperformed) they would have had to pay out 10 weeks severance. He has been there ten years, and kept his job. They also kept a part time hire, who doesn't sell a tenth of what I did. They kept her, but changed her status to that of temporary employee.

I'm home now, and looking forward to collecting my unemployment for a short while. I've paid into it for more than twenty years. Since I was 15 years old, I've worked full time, with only one year off for film school. Yes I worked full time during High School too. I figure I'm due some time off.

I haven't had time to feel too lonely, or miss my co-workers though. My landlord has me collecting rents, doing evictions, and some odd jobs on top of that. I used to be her full time caretaker, on top of working full time, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that. If I did, I'd lose my unemployment, and it is a job that pays no benefits. Still, the last couple of weeks she's kept me hopping, and I've had no end of people to talk to, and keep me occupied.

The first couple of weeks I was pretty down. I got in a bad habit of sleeping in later and later. by the second week, I was going to bed when the sun came up, and getting up when it set. It took me three days to change my sleeping habits back to something normal.

Depression has always been something I struggle with. Becoming unemployed suddenly, was a shock to the system, and there were a lot of days I didn't even leave my house. I feel like I'm over the worst of it now, and like you, I'm looking forward to collecting back some of what I've paid into for so long. It may turn out to be a good thing after all.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I visited my dad yesterday. He was in good spirits, although he still misses my mom terribly. I sometimes get the feeling when I visit him that he's just waiting to die so he can be with her, but I didn't get that impression this time. He was talking about future visits with my out-of-state siblings and overall seemed to be in a good mood. Of course I always miss my mom when I go to visit my dad. I still half expect to see her in the kitchen working on dinner or something. It's been 16 months since her passing and I'm still not quite used to the idea of her being gone.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I went to pick up my meds today and found out my discount card for my Saphris is no longer valid. Without it the copay is $150 a month which I can't possibly afford. Fortunately I have a month's worth of samples that my psych gave me in January. Once that runs out I'll have to see if he can prescribe an alternative that I can afford and that will do a comparable job. It sucks because I've been doing pretty well with the Saphris as part of my regimen and I don't really want to have to adjust to a new drug, but I guess it can't be helped.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

I've been thinking about Chris lately. Chris was a fellow student in my high school drama class back in 1984-5. We were both kind of misfits so we wound up becoming friendly with each other. He was a year younger than me. I liked him but didn't think too much about him—he was just another classmate. That all changed one day early in the spring semester when Chris informed me not only that he was gay, but that he was in love with me.

Now, I'd had the inkling since I was thirteen that I might be gay, but at sixteen the idea still terrified me. All I knew about being gay was what I saw on tv, which was that your family disowned you and you got AIDS. So here was this kid confronting me with a part of myself I just didn't want to deal with. I told him I was straight and pointed out that I had a girlfriend as evidence. He asked if we could still be friends and, not wanting to look like a jerk, I said yes. So we continued like that for a while. Somewhere along the line we exchanged phone numbers and began to have conversations on the phone after school hours.

As this was going on my gay side began to assert itself a little bit and I became intensely curious about what it would be like to be with Chris. Eventually I worked up my courage enough to admit to him that I was curious. He let me in on the fact that another of our drama classmates was gay and the three of us began to hang out together at lunch. I felt a sense of belonging with them that I didn't feel elsewhere and in truth I was attracted to Chris, but I just couldn't work up the nerve to act on that attraction. As our friendship developed we spent more and more time together. I had my driver's license and would visit him at his house. Occasionally he would get his parents to drop him off at my house. We'd listen to music together and talk. And the more time we spent together, the more conflicted I became. I began to want Chris, both physically and emotionally, but the more those feelings asserted themselves the more afraid I became. We spent much of that summer hanging out together and my conflicted feelings just about drove me insane.

You would think I would just stop associating with him, especially after he transferred to a different high school the following fall, but it wasn't that simple. I couldn't act on my desires, but I couldn't stay away from him either. I was torturing myself, and I suppose I was torturing Chris as well. He made it clear he was willing to settle for my friendship but wanted more, and I gave him just enough encouragement to hope that I might one day return his love.

Finally I went away to college, where loneliness and my own internalized homophobia drove me to become a born again Christian. I had promised to keep in touch with Chris, but after my conversion I began to see him as a negative influence and touched base with him less and less often. By spring semester I had pretty much completely fallen out of touch with him.

I saw him a couple of times that next summer, but a year apart and my newfound religion had created distance between us. He'd had a boyfriend while I was gone and was no longer harboring any strong feelings for me. I was still somewhat conflicted about my feelings for him but the possibility of anything happening between us was more remote than ever. I suppose it was inevitable that we would drift apart at that point. The last I heard he was attending college somewhere in Pennsylvania.

I've thought about Chris many times in the years since. I've wondered how different my life might have been if I'd been able to accept my gay side and return his love. I don't know if we would have stayed together, but I'm sure that many of my post high school choices would have been different. I'm sure I wouldn't have attended a Christian college and gone overboard on religion, with all of the bad choices that led to (giving up music as my major, getting into a dysfunctional relationship that wrecked my grades, eventually dropping out of college altogether, the list goes on...). I'm sure I wouldn't have spent all those miserable years in the closet. And I can't help but think that depression and anxiety wouldn't have had nearly the impact on my life that they have.

I've wondered many times how Chris' life turned out. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy. I hope he is successful. I hope he has someone special to share his life with. I hope that if he remembers me, he remembers me as a good friend. I know that I, for one, will never forget him.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Troy starts his vacation tomorrow! I get to have him with me for 9 straight days. We're going to Dallas Sunday to visit my cutter and then to Six Flags Over Texas on Monday. We may also work in a day trip to Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio. Other than that we'll just be hanging out at home and around town. I'm really looking forward to it.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Had a great visit with my cutter and his partner yesterday, followed by a great day at Six Flags today. The New Texas Giant is freakin' awesome! Going to take it easy tomorrow, have a friend over for dinner Wed., then to Fiesta Texas on Thur. What a great vacation!

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Last night Troy went to bed about an hour and a half before me. When I joined him in bed he woke up just enough to roll over and indicate that he wanted to hold me. I lay there in his arms, relishing the intimacy and thinking how nice it was to just cuddle, with no thought or expectation of sex. It wasn't the first time my thoughts have gone along those lines. Up to now I've enjoyed having a moderately active sex life with Troy, but recently I've found myself feeling relieved every night that he hasn't tried to initiate sex, and I'm feeling conflicted about that. I've known since my castration that the time could come when I would lose all interest and desire for sex, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that to happen just yet. It's not that I'm worried about losing Troy; he's made it clear that he would still love me even if he can't have sex with me. It's not a matter of feeling obligated to him, since he has 2-3 friends that he plays with so he has an outlet if I'm not interested. I think it's just that I can't imagine what a sexless relationship would be like, and I worry about the loss of intimacy. I mean, I know you can have intimacy without sex, but still it's a concern. If I truly am becoming asexual, I guess we'll adjust. I just thought this change would come years from now, if at all, and I'm not sure how I feel about it happening now.

[jako9999 (imported)]

Hi how about taking a small amount of T I now take 2.5mg of testim gel and I have gone from wanting sex all the time and masterbating 3 -4 times a day to my morning wood which soon goes down and no other erections all day unless my wife or I want it then we have to work at it, and I dont want it any more just every now and then. The change is amazing, try just 1mg per day for a couple of weeks and see what happens if nothing then up it to 2mg and so on.

I hope you sort it out.

Good luck.

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Last night Troy and I had an honest talk about my declining interest in sex. He reassured me that he's in love with me, not my dick or ass, and that as long as he can still cuddle and hold me he can live without a sexual component to our relationship. He pointed out that our open relationship allows him an outlet for his sexual urges, and that he understood when I became a eunuch that loss of sex drive was part of the package. We briefly discussed the possibility of going on hormones but agreed that's not the right path for me. We agreed that cuddling, snuggling, holding, etc. are more important than sex for maintaining intimacy. I feel somewhat better about the situation after our talk, although it is still an adjustment to get used to the idea of an asexual relationship. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time.

[Milkman (imported)]

This has actually taken many years , no? Your sex drive stayed quite high for a long time, if I remember some of your other comments

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

My sex drive was definitely higher than average for a no-T eunuch, which is one reason the change took me by surprise. I thought it would happen gradually but it seemingly happened all at once. One week I was happy to have sex and the next it was the last thing I wanted. It was very sudden which is why I'm finding it such a big adjustment.