Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

BACKSTORY:

The time has come! After a lifetime of feeling transsexual thoughts, and recently finally admitting that I was indeed a transsexual, it's finally time to deal with the masculinization that I have been deeply annoyed by for pretty much my entire life. I feel like that's all I need to say in the matter. If you want more details, I already have a thread cluttered up with 3 full pages of the personal epiphanies that have now convinced me 100% that it's time to go for it. (http://www.eunuch.org/forums/showthread ... -Huge-Step.) This thread is not a continuation of that, it is a new thread where I will be discussing the effects of my hormone trial day by day, and how I'm feeling in regards to my gender identity as a result.

WHAT I'LL BE DOING:

-Taking three different hormone-related medications for an entire month... Androcur (for elimination of testosterone,) Finasteride (for hair regrowth as well as to aid in the reduction of body hair,) and Climara-100 estrogen patches (for feminization.) I will be posting updates on my progress as well as the moods that I am feeling and whether I like it or not, EVERY DAY on this exact topic. And then at the end of the month hopefully I will be in a much better position to decide if a full gender transition is really what I want or not. If I decide that it is, this trial will become permanent, and I will likely follow up with eventual full SRS once I have the money for it. If not, hey, at least I'll finally know for sure after a lifetime of gender questioning.

EFFECTS THAT I AM HOPING FOR: (and the timeline which I have read that they will possibly start appearing, based on internet research):

-Calmness, a sense of control (supposedly starts almost immediately, within a few days after taking chem castration drugs, as soon as T levels start dropping.)

-Loss of sex drive (1 week or so)

-Loss of spontaneous erections, erections softer (1 week or so)

-Thought changes. A greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of self. Also possibly a sense that my thoughts finally feel "right" for the first time in my life if I am indeed transgendered, or the thought changes feeling wrong if I'm not. (should happen as soon as E levels start rising.)

-Loss of body odor, don't sweat as much (1-2 weeks)

-"Eunuch calm," loss of male aggression and male anger response. (as soon as T levels drop to castrate levels.)

-"Shrinkage" of up to 40%-60% (2-3 weeks)

-Loss of muscle mass (3 weeks or so, ongoing.)

-Skin texture softening (somewhere between 3 weeks and 6 weeks)

-Softening/lessening of body hair (about the same time as the skin texture changes, whenever those may be.)

-Head hair regrowth. Most of what I lost was within the last 7 years, so I believe this could be significant. (ongoing, first noticeable near the end of the first month.)

-Body fat distribution changes. More on hips and thighs, less on stomach. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, needs at least a year for full effect.)

-Breast growth, along with severe breast tenderness while they're growing. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, look fully like early-teen boobs by about month 6, takes several years before they're done growing.)

-Facial feminization (somewhere between months 1 and 2. Month 6 is generally about the time when the face begins looking fully feminine, with final results after a year to 18 months.)

OTHER EFFECTS THAT I'LL BE WATCHING OUT FOR:

-Extremes of emotion... one minute extremely happy, the next minute bawling my eyes out at the stupidest things.

-Feelings of weakness and tiredness (common side-effect of Androcur)

-Shallower sleep (common side-effect of Androcur)

-Severe drop in metabolism, possible weight gain (I will be following a STRICT paleo diet to help combat this.)

-Hot flashes

In general, I've read that from 1-3 months most of the changes are minor enough that they're completely reversible if I should change my mind. 3-6 months, the feminization would start becoming severe, and some of the effects would never go away. Longer than 6 months, and I'm facing potential permanent sterility as well as permanent breast growth, permanent feminization, and a crock pot full of other permanent effects that will never go away as long as I live. So that is how long I have to decide. If I reach the end of this 1-month trial and still feel like I want to go it longer before deciding, I have until the 2-3 month mark. After that, I'm fully aware that there's no going back.

So with that said, wish me luck! My first doses of Androcur and Finasteride are in my system as I type these words, and I will be adding E to the mix within the next 2-3 days, as soon as the patches arrive in the mail. (I'm DIY'ing, so I'm at the mercy of inhousepharmacy's delivery system as to when that will be.)

I'm so excited, and so anxious to see the effects starting, that I can barely contain myself! I really look forward to taking this journey with everyone!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY ONE:

Took my first Androcur/Finasteride dose at about 4 o'clock this afternoon (after shooting an official "before" video with my camera, basically one that shows off my entire body for the last time as a completely non-hormone-altered guy, so that I'll have a baseline to compare it to. I hope to do a follow-up video every week or so to show the slow tedious progression.) Then I finished the day with another dose of Andro at about 11 p.m.

So what was it like to take a hormone pill for the very first time? I'm taking a HUGE step here. This is not only the first time in my entire life that I have been on any sort of hormone-altering drug, it's the first time I have taken ANYTHING with the potential to alter my mood. So with that in mind, you might expect that I'd be feeling extremely nervous, but surprisingly as I put the very first Androcur and Finasteride pills into my mouth, I didn't feel nervous at all. I felt ALIVE!!! Full of energy, full of a bubbly happiness that previously only came to me on a couple days of the year if I was lucky, and yet has pretty much become my daily norm ever since finally deciding to do this hormone trial just over a week ago. You'd expect doubts, and you'd expect at least some kind of fear, but there was absolutely none. Just happiness and excitement. My mindset was more along the lines of "YAY!!! IT'S FINALLY TIME!!!"

This evening I went to go see Les Miserables with my friend/roommate, and didn't really feel any effects yet, nor was I expecting to. I know full well that these kinds of drugs take several days before really beginning to have a significant effect. Later on in the day, I started feeling a bit tired, but it wasn't the "OMG I'm so tired!" feeling, it was just a feeling of complete and utter inner peace. A perpetual "happy sigh" kind of feeling. Odds are that none of this is related to the hormones yet, rather being more a result of the fact that, for the first time in my entire life, I really do know who I am, and am fully embracing it, even possibly leading up to a full sex-change. And I've never felt happier in my entire life. It feels like a 2-ton boulder has been lifted off my shoulders, and for the first time in my life since age 12, my default state of existence is once again happiness. I really hope that this happiness never goes away again.

So, for the first day, the effects are pretty much zero, maybe some potential contented tiredness, but that may or may not just be because of 100% natural late-day tiredness, so probably not. I'm not expecting any significant changes for at least another couple of days. But so far so good. I feel great! There's a lightness and a brightness in my soul that I wouldn't trade for the world right now, and for the time being at least, everything's going perfectly. I couldn't be more happy. And I felt more feminine than I have in my entire life today, so that's a promising sign that the two really are going to go hand-in-hand.

[Hash (imported)]

Good luck on your journey, hope all goes well and that you achieve your goals. Keep us informed of your progress and the effects. Your penis and testicles will also likely shrink/regress and breast tissue will grow. I believe that breast tissue growth is difficult to reverse once it begins, and the amount of growth varies from one person to another. I think it's a familial thing too, if the women in your family have small breasts, then your own growth might be small and larger if women in your family tend to have larger breasts. This is also debated, it's my opinion from what I've seen.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Way to go Cheetaking.....Just be careful...And these results may take a wee bit longer than you think...Inhouse Pharmacy's orders typically take from 1 to 2 weeks to arrive..

(I think they come from Singapore).. I look forward to your upbeat reporting...smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Good luck on your journey, hope all goes well and that you achieve your goals. Keep us informed of your progress and the effects. Your penis and testicles will also likely shrink/regress and breast tissue will grow. I believe that breast tissue growth is difficult to reverse once it begins, and the amount of growth varies from one person to another. I think it's a familial thing too, if the women in your family have small breasts, then your own growth might be small and larger if women in your family tend to have larger breasts. This is also debated, it's my opinion from what I've seen.

All of which I am 100% fine with, and am in fact looking forward to. My penis is already very small, only about an inch limp, and it STILL annoys the hell out of me. The smaller it gets, and the sooner it is gone, the better. I really am 100% transsexual in that regard. Even during the times that I doubted whether I was transgender or not, I have ALWAYS wanted a vagina and had no second thoughts. (I even considered staying a guy but having SRS anyway, and living with a "mangina." That's how sure I am that I want the damned thing gone.) And in regards to breast growth, also 100% fine with it. I already have big "man boobs," and I love them, so I would welcome more growth. However, if it really is hereditary, then I probably won't get that big. My mom is a 38D, but was a C for years before she started gaining weight, so I don't expect that I'll personally ever get much higher than a B cup, which I'm actually pretty close to

being at already even before taking any hormones.

Way to go Cheetaking.....Just be careful...And these results may take a wee bit longer than you think...Inhouse Pharmacy's orders typically take from 1 to 2 weeks to arrive..

(I think they come from Singapore).. I look

forward to your upbeat reporting...smooches Jackie

No need to worry about delivery times... I have already received the androcur and finasteride in the mail, 2 days ago, and this trial is already officially underway. And since I ordered the Climara less than 2 days after I ordered those two, I'm pretty sure that it will be following close behind.

Also, so far today, I am STILL feeling happier than I have in my entire life... It's been over a week straight now, and I'm still just so happy, and it's one of those moods where absolutely everything in the world seems beautiful and the troubles of the world seem trivial. Again, before I decided to do this trial, I maybe felt this way once or twice a year if I was lucky. Where ever since I finally decided to do this, I have been feeling this way EVERY day without fail. And you know what? I hope this NEVER goes away. I feel like a completely different person ever since I finally decided to embrace my desires for femininity.

[Macumbakaloo (imported)]

Best wishes to you!

But ... I'm afraid, you goal will disappear when you approach to them closely enough...

We boys are MALES due to Testosterone. This testosterone makes us fascination by vulva, fascination by femininity. Females are not fascinated so much by their anatomy. When you eliminate your T., you loss the interest in cross - femininity, you'll never write next novel ...

I love the music, but it doesn't mean I'd like to be a piano.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Best wishes to you!

But ... I'm afraid, you goal will disappear when you approach to them closely enough...

We boys are MALES due to Testosterone. This testosterone makes us fascination by vulva, fascination by femininity. Females are not fascinated so much by their anatomy. When you eliminate your T., you loss the interest in cross - femininity, you'll never write next novel ...

I love the music, but it doesn't mean I'd like to be a piano.

I don't know... to me, it's not really a sexual fantasy, and not really a "fascination" per se, it's more like I have this deep-seated feeling that what I have is wrong. Kind of like my entire body is a pair of jeans that are too tight... And this feeling began almost as soon as I hit puberty. As soon as I started growing body hair, I personally felt that it was wrong, long before I started being attracted to smooth skin on the girls. As soon as I started losing head hair, it felt wrong. As soon as my voice changed, it felt REALLY wrong. (to this day, even 15 years later, I still hate my changed voice.) And my issues with my penis aren't just looking at girls and saying "I want that," it really is a constant feeling that my penis is uncomfortable, and shouldn't be there, and this feeling NEVER goes away, even when I'm feeling in my most-sexless of moods.

I can understand how a crossdresser or the like might lose their desires for femininity the closer they get to it, because they really are just kind of doing it as an extension of fancying girls, but I've almost never felt like a crossdresser. I don't really get off on thinking about this anymore. But again, for me it's more like my body is a pair of jeans that are on too tightly. Even when there are no sexual motives involved whatsoever, I still feel like it's wrong and that I should be a girl.

Also, I don't really think that my T levels have EVER been high. When I did a test from the following website (http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginner ... o-tell.htm) which had a question (#7) that said "Do you have any physical characteristics that are too feminine to be normal?" I ended up fitting EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. I have extremely small hands (seriously, they're the same size as my girlfriend's, even though I'm a guy and 8 inches taller than her,) a smallish frame, narrow shoulders, a pronounced pear shape to my hips, my index finger is longer than my ring finger (having a longer ring finger indicates exposure to testosterone,) my elbows arc out at a 30-degree angle just like a girl's when I hold them to my sides with the palms facing out (most crossdressers have normal male arms, while transsexuals tend to have the feminine arms,) and I can double-cross my legs, so my hip structure is more like a girl's too. And even as a kid, although I had not yet developed gender dysphoria, my Mom does indeed tell me that I was much calmer than the other boys, and engaged in quieter and more intricate play rather than being rowdy and rambunctious, and for some reason I always got along better with girls, so there are indeed signs that this has been going on since I first began life.

So no, I do not believe that these desires will go away even when I lose almost all of my testosterone and start developing feminine features. Time will tell, but I wouldn't be doing this trial in the first place if I wasn't so sure that I am indeed a transsexual rather than just someone who gets off on feminization. My personality feels like I AM a girl, my natural movements and hand gestures are unmistakbly feminine (seriously, when I made the "pre" video yesterday, I was shocked just how much I naturally put my hands on my hips and made quick limp-wristed hand gestures,) and I don't just feel like I WANT to be a girl, I feel like I AM a girl, but that the external part of me doesn't match the internal.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

Why am I thinking Sparky's Magic Piano? "Don't be surprised... Sparky!"

Macumbakaloo I think we all have our different reasons for needing or wanting one thing or another. I wonder if you're right if Cheetaking is still doing the right thing as at least this is one way of finding out? Not the safest or most risk free way but possibly the only real way due to the mess of feelings puberty and social pressures cause? Cheetaking hasn't mentioned childhood dysphoria but other than that it does sound fairly familiar and understanding parents may have kept the feelings quiet until later on? Plus the more I think about it the less I believe I know a female who isn't obsessed about her body in one way or another, not that men are any better on the whole.

Cheetaking I hope this is everything you need and want and I hope you can finally be happy! I've read dutasteride is believed much more effective than finasteride for hair growth due to the different mix of enzymes in the scalp and is really cheap now if you haven't considered it

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Cheetaking hasn't mentioned childhood dysphoria but other than that it does sound fairly familiar and understanding parents may have kept the feelings quiet until later on?

No, my official "dysphoria" thoughts didn't start until about age 13. Before then, there might have been some, but they were mild enough that I wasn't really bothered by them. There were occasional childhood moments where I envied girls, or wanted to do feminine things rather than masculine things, but it didn't really feel like dysphoria at the time. But you are right, I did have VERY understanding parents. They had no problems whatsoever with the fact that I always had girls as best friends, and that I always felt like sitting and talking and reading and doing introspective activities rather than running around and playing outside, and that I actually liked the "My Little Pony" cassette tape that one of my female friends gave to me as a birthday present by mistake. They never ONCE told me "no, boys aren't supposed to do that." You know, though, I really wonder if maybe this is just because my feminine personality really isn't that feminine. And so, as a kid, when "boy world" and "girl world" weren't so far apart, and I was allowed to express my more feminine tendencies freely, it didn't bother me. While in middle school, when "boy world" and "girl world" diverged so quickly that I didn't even know what had happened, suddenly I felt like being a guy was boxing me in, and started feeling 100% gender-dysphoric to the point of anger and perpetual frustration. Same could be said of my childhood body. As a kid, I really did have smooth skin (although I've ALWAYS hated my body hair, even the limited amount that I had as a kid,) and I also did have a high voice, and could act cute, and had all of my head hair, and my guy parts were still small enough and non-sensitive enough that they didn't bother me, and I didn't have all of these other masculine features that I hate now, so it didn't bother me as much. But you know what? As soon as I hit puberty, as soon as the male body and the female body started diverging, and all of my masculine features started coming in, I IMMEDIATELY hated them, and felt like they were wrong, and started feeling like what the girls were going through was what was "right..." long before I even knew what masturbation was, and long before I started feeling any romantic desire at all toward the opposite sex.

SIDE NOTE: I think I'm finally starting to feel the effects of the androcur. I'm feeling calmer, and my guy parts are feeling ever-so-slightly limper. The real test will be when I take E for the first time (again, the possibility of FINALLY feeling a proper sense of self, something that I've never had in my entire lifetime,) but so far so good. Desires haven't changed whatsoever, and in fact I'm feeling more feminine than I ever have in my entire life right now. It's kind of odd. The limper my guy parts are starting to feel, the more I'm feeling like there should be a vagina there instead. Now that my arousal pattern is feminizing ever-so-slightly, it just makes me want to go all the way even more. I really wonder if this is going to continue. Hell, it might even end up being the opposite of what Macumbakaloo said, where the more I lose my masculine characteristics the more it makes me want feminine ones. That would be quite amusing.

Cheetaking I hope this is everything you need and want and I hope you can finally be happy! I've read dutasteride is believed much more effective than finasteride for hair growth due to the different mix of enzymes in the scalp and is really cheap now if you haven't considered it

Thanks for the tip! I didn't even know about dutasteride until now, but looking into the research, you're 100% right. And since I do plan to stay on DHT-inhibiting hormones whether or not I decide to proceed with feminization, I will absolutely switch over to dutasteride once my supply of finasteride runs out in about 2 months. (I've already paid for it, so I might as well use it...)

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

I really wonder if this is going to continue. Hell, it might even end up being the opposite of what Macumbakaloo said, where the more I lose my masculine characteristics the more it makes me want feminine ones. That would be quite amusing.

I find myself obsessing more about a lot of things and somewhat less about others. I suppose I'm just trying to separate out the wants and the needs in my head and it doesn't help some of them are fluid. Probably a terrible thing to say but for me personally it's the only way I can cope with upsetting people. You do change - when I started this I made a big promise to myself it was so I could finally be myself and nothing else but it's surprising how much about yourself you learn. GRS I'm thinking is a want. It's nobody's business but my partner's and mine what's between my legs. But then will my partner ever accept me as a woman if they won't accept that or do they just see me as a mentally ill man with boobs? Or is it my partner then who is picking and choosing the things they want? It's actually something we discussed again this weekend, and of course I didn't say any of that, but I don't think it's the time for me to be worrying about it now the two important ones are gone and there's a long way to go in other areas.

Thanks for the tip!

It's absolutely no problem! Thanks and I hope it helps! I use a ton of stuff on my hair but another which has been clinically studied to help with DHT is ketoconazole shampoo. Minoxidil kills cats! Good luck with everything

[_g (imported)]

Just read your first post, from personal experience:

EFFECTS THAT I AM HOPING FOR: (and the timeline which I have read that they will possibly start appearing, based on internet research):

-Calmness, a sense of control (supposedly starts almost immediately, within a few days after taking chem castration drugs, as soon as T levels start dropping.)

-Loss of sex drive (1 week or so-Loss of spontaneous erections, erections softer (1 week or so)

)

With Estrogen you will be hornier than ever until the Androcur/Finasteride takes effect I would say maybe 2 week or longer.

-Thought changes. A greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of self. Also possibly a sense that my thoughts finally feel "right" for the first time in my life if I am indeed transgendered, or the thought changes feeling wrong if I'm not. (should happen as soon as E levels start rising.)

-Loss of body odor, don't sweat as much (1-2 weeks)

-"Eunuch calm," loss of male aggression and male anger response. (as soon as T levels drop to castrate levels.)

-"Shrinkage" of up to 40%-60% (2-3 weeks)

)

Loss of body odor, no but it will change; loss of male aggression your mileage will very greatly!

Shrinkage you will not really notice for a month or longer, but when I was put on HRT my wife noticed the change in size of the testicles at the end of a month on HRT.

-Loss of muscle mass (3 weeks or so, ongoing.)

-Skin texture softening (somewhere between 3 weeks and 6 weeks)

-Softening/lessening of body hair (about the same time as the skin texture changes, whenever those may be.)

-Head hair regrowth. Most of what I lost was within the last 7 years, so I believe this could be significant. (ongoing, first noticeable near the end of the first month.)

-Body fat distribution changes. More on hips and thighs, less on stomach. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, needs at least a year for full effect.)

-Breast growth, along with severe breast tenderness while they're growing. (starts somewhere between months 1 and 2, look fully like early-teen boobs by about month 6, takes several years before they're done growing.)

On your boobs, it depends on your DNA, your mothers family breast size as to size you may atain. If all of them are more or less flat chested most likely you will also be flat chested. But then again your mileage may very.

-Facial feminization (somewhere between months 1 and 2. Month 6 is generally about the time when the face begins looking fully feminine, with final results after a year to 18 months.)

A lot will depend on your hair style make up etc. But how you dress and act will make or break passing as Female.

_g

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Thanks for the real-life wisdom, _g!

Just read your first post, from personal experience:

With Estrogen you will be hornier than ever until the Androcur/Finasteride takes effect I would say maybe 2 week or longer.

(In other words, not horny at all [:)], because I've pretty much had zero sex drive for the last 2 years or so anyway.) In all seriousness, though, this is actually one of the reasons why I decided to just take andro and finasteride for a few days before beginning the E. I didn't want my hormones to get completely out of whack by throwing new ones into the mix before the old ones had started to diminish. So I probably won't be adding the E for at least another couple of days. And since I can ALREADY feel my sex drive starting to drop ever-so-slightly, after only 2 days, I expect that it will indeed be significantly reduced by the time I add the E.

On your boobs, it depends on your DNA, your mothers family breast size as to size you may atain. If all of them are more or less flat chested most likely you will also be flat chested. But then again your mileage may very.

Yeah, I really don't expect a lot here. My mom is a D-cup, but a lot of that's mainly due to weight gain. And most of the pictures of my grandma on her side appear to be in the C range. I'm already almost a B-cup just with my normal "man boobs," so I really don't need much more anyway, but I'm definitely not expecting any miracles here.

A lot will depend on your hair style make up etc. But how you dress and act will make or break passing as Female.

Yeah, my figure was just a rough guess based on the transformation time-lapse videos that I have watched. Usually after about 6 months, that was when their faces generally started looking more feminine than masculine, even when they were still in "boy mode." That's what I meant.

Honestly, though, I'm not very worried about passing. If I really do go all the way, honestly, I think my natural body and natural gestures and actions are already bordering on distinguishably feminine. Firstly, on a test of 7 feminine features that are common among transsexuals, I passed all 7 of them. I have very small hands, narrow shoulders, wide hips, a small frame, feminine bone-construction in my arms, feminine finger ratios, and I can double-cross my legs. So my body is definitely feminized to a degree that most "normal" people aren't. Secondly, and I'm just starting to notice this, I actually walk more like a girl (upright, hands close to my body, not lumbering around like other guys at all,) and I use a LOT of hand gestures that are extremely feminine (God, when I watched a video of myself talking to the camera, I actually scared myself with just how many limp-wristed quick hand motions I was doing as I talked, and just how often I put my hands on my hips without thinking about it,) and I talk in a manner that's also pretty feminine... compared to other guys, I talk much more quickly, in faster bursts with pauses in-between, with lots more pitch variation and emotion, and I use lots of diminutive vocabulary like "kind of." A couple of days ago, I did an experiment where for the first time I tried raising the pitch of my voice based on the advice from various voice-therapy videos on the internet, I listened to it, and it seriously was like "Holy crap... I almost sound like a girl already! I could probably fool someone already if I wanted to. Just a little more work on my pacing and phrasing and I've got it!" My singing background, and lifetime of doing voice impressions, are definitely really helping me there. Especially since I've always loved singing high notes, even long after my voice changed, so my upper range is very strong.

[thraddash (imported)]

Hi Cheetaking243,

I had also recently decided on a change of hormones, monstly because using testosterone replacement didn't seem to have any real affect. I've order the same patches you've chosen (Climara - 100) from InhousePharmacy twice now, and the longest I waited for a shipment was about 2 weeks. Stupid me ordered during the december break, went via flipping China from Australia.

I feel a one month trial with estrogen was not long enough. I've been on the patches for over 2 months now with little change, other than slight breast growth. My labido isn't as severe but still exists, and my ass was already pretty awesome to begin with. The plan is continue using it for another 6 months. I started a healthier diet about the same time as the new hormones, mostly cutting out sugars and I've managed to lose weight over the same period, currenty about 5kg.

Hope you achieve what you've set your mind to, good luck

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Hi Cheetaking243,

I had also recently decided on a change of hormones, monstly because using testosterone replacement didn't seem to have any real affect. I've order the same patches you've chosen (Climara - 100) from InhousePharmacy twice now, and the longest I waited for a shipment was about 2 weeks. Stupid me ordered during the december break, went via flipping China from Australia.

I feel a one month trial with estrogen was not long enough. I've been on the patches for over 2 months now with little change, other than slight breast growth. My labido isn't as severe but still exists, and my ass was already pretty awesome to begin with. The plan is continue using it for another 6 months. I started a healthier diet about the same time as the new hormones, mostly cutting out sugars and I've managed to lose weight over the same period, currenty about 5kg.

Hope you achieve what you've set your mind to, good luck

Thanks for the clinical evidence! That always helps when I hear what others who have done this have felt. Honestly, though, I really do feel like 1 month will be enough in my case. Because I am 100% sure that I am a transsexual. So it's not the bodily changes that I'm waiting on to see whether I like them or not. I already know that I will like those, and I don't care how long I have to wait to get them. What I do not know yet, and am still trying to find out, is whether or not I am also transgendered. So what I'm primarily looking for are the mental changes... whether I achieve that greater "sense of self" or not, whether I like the more-feminine thought patterns, whether my thoughts about wishing that I could be fully a girl persist (not just physically, but actually presenting myself socially as a woman,) whether or not it finally feels like my mind is working the way it should, and whether or not I like the way my mind thinks sexually as a result. If I really do feel more complete with those once they happen, and still feel like I want to be a girl, then I plan on going through a complete sex-change and transitioning into living as a female. If there isn't much change at all, I'll keep going longer until I can decide. And if I don't like it, then I'm not transgendered, just transsexual, which would mean that I don't transition, and I stop the hormones once I feel like I'm feminized enough to keep my conflicting transsexual thoughts at bay, possibly still going through with SRS one day even though I don't ever become a woman. (Again, I know for 100% sure that I am transsexual. That matter is settled. It's just more like figuring out whether I want to do a full gender transition or not.)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

TWO:

(To clarify something first... I am not taking Estrogen yet... As of now, my pill regiment is just 50mg of Androcur 2X daily, and half of a 5mg pill of Finasteride 1X

daily. I have not added the E patches

yet, and probably won't for at least another couple of days. I'll inform everyone when I finally do add them.)

All right, everybody, this is where

it officially begins. Because today I

could definitely start to feel the effects of the androcur. It is NOT a big change, but nonetheless noticeable, and it mainly has to do with the kind of mood that I was in and an ever-so-slight change to my normal pattern of erections.

First of all, the effect on my mood: All day today, I was feeling much less energetic. I woke up at 8 a.m. this morning, fixed breakfast and took my morning dosage, and within 3 hours I was heading back into the bedroom for a nap. This is definitely an effect of the androcur, however minor, because usually I sleep like a rock, 10 hours or more, at night, and then once I'm up I'm up until at least the mid-afternoon. But today, I never got that "awake and alive" feeling that I usually do after waking up in the morning, and ended up going back to bed for a 3-hour nap at 11 a.m. This was not, however, an irritable kind of tiredness where I was feeling cranky and crotchety and wanted to be left alone. No, in fact it was the COMPLETE opposite. I felt happy. Unbelievably happy. It almost felt like a perpetual afterglow kind of feeling... that kind of feeling where you're relaxed from head to toe and tired in a good way. It just feels like the whole world is beautiful, and everything is great, and nothing in the world matters. I felt like snuggling up by the fire with a good book, or listening to relaxing music, and just felt very generally happy and relaxed, not fired up or angry or on-edge or even tense in any way. The tension and stress just seemed to have melted away, and I felt so happy and calm. And that contented happiness stayed with me ALL day. I'm still feeling happily relaxed, in control, and unbelievably happy. I still feel that same lightness and brightness in my soul that I've been feeling for almost 2 weeks straight now, which I used to only feel once or twice a year if I was lucky. Emotionally, I love everything that's happening so far, and am still 100% optimistic with no reason yet to doubt that I won't love all of the effects.

(Side note: I'm still feeling extremely feminine, moreso than I have in my entire life. I was having "flashes" all day where I just suddenly felt like parts of myself were instantly transforming into female parts for just a few seconds, and it still brought such a degree of giddy excitement and happiness to me that I can hardly even describe it. So no change in my desires to be a girl yet. If anything, my peaceful mood was making me want to be a girl even more...)

And now onto the physical part of it... there has definitely been a slight change in my normal pattern of erections. Today, whenever my guy parts went limp, for some reason they felt a bit limper than usual. And especially at any point that I was trying to think sexual thoughts to see if they still worked, there was a bit of a delay... there would be a period where they would feel tingly but there would be no physical response. And I have NEVER felt anything like that before, so I know for sure that it was the androcur doing it. It's not a big change... maybe a 5% difference from what I normally feel, but it's definitely a difference. (I have very acute senses to this sort of thing, so that's why I'm able to sense these changes even though they were both extremely minor in the grand scheme of things.) Also physically, my motions felt a little bit rounder... a little slower, a little less definite, more simplistic. (Again, maybe a 5% change at most, but I can definitely feel it.)

You know what the weird part is, though? I LOVE it so far!!! I don't know why, but for some reason this just feels "right." It feels more feminine, and it really does feel like on the inside that there's something so "correct" and "right" about it, something that tells me that yes, this is what I want, and I hope that it continues until all my muscles shrink and become feminine, and I spend my whole life using those more-rounded and slower body motions, and that my erections keep getting weaker and weaker until they stop existing entirely and my penis turns into a vagina. There's something on the inside of me that does not miss 100% penile functionality, and does not miss that adult hormone-induced "awakeness" one bit, and loves feeling like my motions are smooth and my mind is calm and in control. Again, thus far having effects from the chem-castration drugs are only making me want to be a girl even more, because they really do feel "right" to me.

Anyway, that's all for today. Some minor effects, all of which I am absolutely loving so far. And no changes to my desires to be a girl... if anything, they got even stronger today, because the limited early effects of the androcur are making me feel even more feminine.

See you all tomorrow!

[only other physical thing that's going on is that I have a bit of a headache right now, but that's what happens when you spend all day glued to a computer screen refreshing your browser every 5 minutes waiting to see if anyone has responded to your posts... eye strain hurts like hell. But I can't look away... sigh... that's what happens when I get so excited about something.]

[_g (imported)]

660]
OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

TWO:

clip....

[only other physical thing that's going on is that I have a bit of a headache right now, but that's what happens when you spend all day glued to a computer screen refreshing your browser every 5 minutes waiting to see if anyone has responded to your posts... eye strain hurts like hell. But I can't look away... sigh...
[/quote]
that's what happens when I get so excited about something.]

Get out and go for a walk or dig out your camera or art materials, or just do something other and just sitting in-front of the computer or TV. Just sitting equals gaining weight and other health problems. Remember the watched pot never boils!

_g

[ballsontheline (imported)]

I am very interested in your hormonal journey. I have wanted to share my own journey that started in March of 2012. Even if I do not share my story please know that my journey is similar and the path after almost a year is really worth it.

Mike

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

THREE:

(WARNING: VERY long post ahead...)

Okay, I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. When I first started this, and after yesterday's appearance of the very first effects, I had expected the effects of the chem castration drugs to be predictable... a slow steady lessening of my sex drive, and a slow steady increase in the testosterone-inhibiting effects. Well, after today, you can officially throw that theory out of the water.

My emotions, and sexual feelings, and state of mind, were such a ridiculous roller-coaster ride today, that I genuinely have no freaking clue what the hell is going on anymore.

Today, I once again woke up way earlier than I usually do. (Again, I usually sleep 10+ hours at night and sleep so deeply that not even my alarm clock wakes me up half the time.) But last night, despite going to bed at 11:30, I woke up at 5:00 in the morning. This was different, though. If you remember my report from yesterday, I still felt tired after waking up early, and never felt fully "awake" all day, and ended up taking a nap after only being up for about 3 hours. Well, that didn't happen this morning. I felt wide awake as soon as I woke up. And it was "wide awake" in the exact kind of way that it always was before I started taking the chem-castration drugs.

More weirdness ensued almost immediately. For some reason, I was feeling extremely "masculine" this morning. The gender dysphoria seemed like it had been pushed to the background. But this was NOT a good thing for me. I felt tense, and I felt on-edge, and it felt like I had lost my true self. And feeling masculine like this didn't make me feel peaceful or happy. On the contrary, it made me feel miserable. It felt exactly like that exact same kind of dull grey emotionless "blegh" feeling that I had been putting up with for years before I finally decided to do this trial and suddenly got happy. No, that happiness was suddenly gone, and my usual feelings of wanting to act like a girl were almost completely gone. And at the same time, it felt like the testosterone-inhibiting effects of the androcur had mysteriously vanished... I was getting erections all morning, and again felt very masculine, and not only did my orgasmic ability not feel hindered in the least, it actually felt greater than normal, if you can believe that.

But wait, it gets weirder still. Up until this morning, I hadn't reached a sexual climax in what was approaching 2 full weeks. (Last time was December 30th.) So I started wondering, was this antsy feeling just a result of that? So I decided to go for it and see if I felt better afterward or not. And the weird part is, I did it TWICE. Within 30 minutes of each-other. And I know this may not sound like a big deal to anyone else, but I naturally have an extremely low sex drive. I almost NEVER climax twice in the same day, let alone within 30 minutes of each-other. And stranger still, there was actually MORE ejaculatory fluid than there usually is. I usually get a few drops at the most, while today it just came shooting out when I finally got there. Honestly, I was genuinely starting to suspect that my testosterone levels had actually increased instead of decreased for some reason.

Long after that, I still felt antsy and on-edge. But for some reason although that feeling remained for the rest of the morning, the suppressed gender dysphoria did not stay gone. Almost as soon as I had climaxed, it returned stronger than ever, especially in regards to wanting a vagina instead of a penis, a feeling that has consistently been getting stronger and stronger ever since I started taking andro and finasteride. And I really have no explanation for this. Usually the cliche is that someone thinks about being the other gender as a means of getting off in the first place, and then as soon as they reach orgasm the feelings quickly disappear and their normal "rational" mind takes control again over the sexual mind that gets off on it. Where with me today it was the complete opposite. I started out the day feeling as though my gender dysphoria had disappeared, and couldn't drum up the same feelings I usually have no matter how hard I tried. But then, shockingly, once I had reached orgasm, all of a sudden they started flooding back to me in a massive deluge that once again overwhelmed my mind with a desire to be a girl, despite all of the sexual tension being gone. And you know, I really have no explanation for this. How does that even make sense? Nonetheless, I never promised that I'd have all the answers to these strange feelings that I have, I just promised that I'd report them as accurately as I could, so make of this what you will.

At about noon, I was still feeling tense and on-edge for some reason, and felt 100% like the way that I felt when I was still "normal," as if the androcur hadn't had any effect whatsoever. It was that same "dull gray drear" feeling that I thought I had finally escaped from after

deciding to do this hormone trial

2 weeks ago. And I REALLY missed that sense of contented happiness that I've had for the past few days. When I'm in that mindset, it feels like everything's right with the world, and nothing matters, and I'm just happy, and willing to go with the flow. While when I'm in "dull gray drear" mode, I feel like I want to be left alone, and I'm constantly lamenting the fact that I have to go to work and put up with the stresses of life, and the ideal bubbly and happy feminine state of mind that I want feels like it's a whole world away and never coming back. I HATE that feeling. That feeling that I got when I finally decided to do this trial, that feeling of being awake and ALIVE and filled with hope and brightness, I wanted that back so much. It just felt so unfair that suddenly I was stuck right back in that same awful mindset. Finally, knowing that I had to do SOMETHING about this awful mindset, I decided to move my evening dose of androcur up by 10 hours, and take it before I went to work instead of waiting for after. (It was 6 hours since the morning dose already, so I felt pretty safe doing it.)

While I was driving to work, I was in the kind of mood that I absolutely hate... impatient, irritated, and every little thing that other people did to inconvenience me in the slightest made me feel like I wanted to explode with anger. (I did several times during my drive to work... I remember calling one of the women in a car next to me an "oblivious bitch," and used the "f" word at least twice. I tried to listen to some nice angry-girl rock to ease my mind (a common tactic for when I'm feeling this way,) but then my CD player wouldn't play it, and I just erupted into a fit of rage, screaming "Damn it, damn it, damn it!!!" and broke out into an emotional episode where I was thinking about how unfair this was, and how I thought I was supposed to be in a happily contended mood, and I was supposed to be feeling the effects of the androcur, not be stuck in the same 100%-normal-feeling angry-guy mode that comes to me randomly every so often. I was a giant knot of stress and anger by the time I finally made it to work.

And then, to cap off this emotional roller-coaster, suddenly out of nowhere, and I have no idea why it happened, that stress and anger just started melting away again. I started feeling tired once again, in the same way as yesterday, and all of the stress and anger and bitterness just absolutely disappeared, as if absolutely nothing at all bad had happened today, and as if I had never even woken up feeling that pre-androcur kind of masculine feeling in the first place. Once again, I suddenly felt happy, and I felt contented, and it felt like there was no hurry, and that everything was right with the world, and that everything was going to work out. And the feminine feelings that had started coming back as soon as my morning climaxing was over, suddenly absolutely exploded once again, to the point that by the end of the day I was once again feeling 100% transgendered on the inside in addition to my transsexual norm. (I did have to drink a can of Diet Pepsi to keep myself awake, though. I just about fell asleep at one of my poker tables before I did that.)

I left work feeling great, feeling once again alive and awake and like everything in the world was great. I started the work day listening to angry-girl rock and screaming my lungs out because I was so frustrated, and I ended the day listening to the Carpenters and smiling peacefully. And by the time I reached home, my mood had progressed even further, now going fully to what I call the "Carrie mood," which is a mood where I'm feeling extremely feminine, plus deeply happy to such a degree that I can't contain that happiness within myself anymore, and I feel like being whimsical and light-hearted, doing things like rocking out to radio songs and randomly skipping and twirling around for no good reason, just because it feels like the world is my plaything and everything is so happy and bright. It feels like my whole body is radiating with light.

God, what an emotional mess. If you have any idea what the hell was going on here, and how I managed to go from normal-masculine to super-angsty to peaceful and relaxed to silly and spontaneous and girly all within the same day, I welcome any insight I can get, because I don't have a freaking clue.

In regards to the physical effects, there definitely are physical effects that are still progressing despite my emotional roller-coaster. All afternoon while I was at work, my guy parts felt almost like they were knocked unconscious. I didn't get ONE spontaneous erection the entire time I was at work. Usually I get at least one or two, or at least a twinge, but this afternoon there was absolutely NOTHING. From beginning to end, it stayed 100% limp. I can still get an erection just fine when I actually want to, and can still reach orgasm with no struggle whatsoever, but there has already been a very noticeable decrease in "spontaneous" erections, the kinds that pop up when you don't want them too.

Daily thoughts:

I HATED whatever it was that I was feeling this morning, because that was as bad as being a normal guy again. But I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED, that silly spontaneous girly mood that I was in by the end of the day. THAT is me. That is the mood that I would choose to be in for the rest of my life if I could. Even the calm-contentment mood is a million times better than whatever the hell it was that I was feeling this morning. So I pray to God that once the pills really start having an effect on my mood, it's more girly gleefulness and more happy contentment, and not that feeling of tension and unease.

Still feeling extremely hopeful, extremely happy (now that it's not the morning anymore,) and looking forward to adding the E once it finally arrives. (No, it still hasn't. Bummer, man...)

'Till tomorrow!

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Since no one is replying, I'll add my thoughts...

As far as your initial euphoria, I think that was mostly in your head. The thrill of starting down the path to your goals.

If your T being produced has started to slack off, then your adrenal glands might be kicking it up into high gear to replace what is not being produced in the testes.

What you are doing is a long slow process. Changes take TIME so don't be so into it each day that you let your moods rise and fall over every change be it real or imagined.

{{Hugs}}

[Hash (imported)]

Didn't anyone tell you that this is a common thing that happens? You're forcing your body to change and your body is fighting back. The effects you're describing are quite "normal" for anyone taking the steps and the drugs that you're taking. It's going to take a while for the drugs to get you to where you want to go. Along the way, your body is going to try to fully reestablish your testosterone levels, there's a fight going on for dominance and that's why you're feeling the way you are. You're trying to chemically eliminate testosterone and your body is fighting this by making more testosterone. It's a tug of war, but just like physical castration, eventually your body will stop fighting and begin to accept things. Patience. Cheetaking, you should acquaint yourself with other transsexuals, join a blog group, seek out knowledge from those who have taken the journey. Also, find an endocrinologist, be upfront and honest. There are a few endocrinologists with experience in helping transsexuals.

http://www.transgendercare.com/

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

What you are doing is a long slow process. Changes take TIME so don't be so into it each day that you let your moods rise and fall over every change be it real or imagined.

{{Hugs}}

I know, I know, and I'll admit that I am being very impatient with this. But I hope you can understand that this is something that I've been suppressing for my entire lifetime despite feeling very strongly about it, so now that I've finally decided to quit shoving it aside and dive into it head-first, I naturally feel a little bit impatient. Sorry, I know I need to work on this. I just have a VERY strong desire for things to change, so yesterday's brief backtrack got me especially worked up. (Side note: I'm feeling MUCH bett

er this morning. The quiet happy contentment is back.)

Didn't anyone tell you that this is a common thing that happens? You're forcing your body to change and your body is fighting back. The effects you're describing are quite "normal" for anyone taking the steps and the drugs that you're taking. It's going to take a while for the drugs to get you to where you want to go. Along the way, your body is going to try to fully reestablish your testosterone levels, there's a fight going on for dominance and that's why you're feeling the way you are. You're trying to chemically eliminate testosterone and your body is fighting this by making more testosterone. It's a tug of war, but just like physical castration, eventually your body will stop fighting and begin to accept things. Patience. Cheetaking, you should acquaint yourself with other transsexuals, join a blog group, seek out knowledge from those who have taken the journey. Also, find an endocrinologist, be upfront and honest. There are a few endocrinologists with experience i

n helping transsexuals.

http://www.transgendercare.com/

No, I was not aware of this happening DURING a chem castration trial. I remember reading people say that AFTER they stopped the drugs their testosterone shot back up so quickly that they felt like a teenager again, but I was not aware that it was possible for them to rebound even higher while I was still on the down-slope. Okay, that's good to know. If anything, that just means further confirmation that normal masculine hormones are NOT right for me. Because during my libido bounce yesterday morning, I didn't feel like myself anymore, and I was miserable all morning, while once that was over and (presumably) my T levels started dropping again, I felt AMAZING! (More like my true self than I have ever felt, honestly. Again, I call that mood the "Carrie mood.")

Also, thanks for the link. It confirmed that one of the decisions I made yesterday was indeed correct... increasing my finasteride dosage from the 1 mg usually taken for hair loss, up to a full 5mg/day one, since apparently finasteride increases the effectiveness of androcur at full-dose. Good to know that the "ideal" regiment is indeed that.

You know, I probably should indeed see an endocrinologist, but cost is once again an issue. Every resource on the matter that I have seen indicates that just a visit to one's office would be $125, and if they want lab work it would be over $400. I only have about $1800 to my name right now. (I JUST graduated college a year and a half ago, and I was working at Wal-Mart for most of that, so I'm just now starting to build up a savings account within the last 4 months or so, since I finally got a "real" job.)

And yeah, I really do need to join transsexual groups, because I discovered that I've very much internalized those societal expectations of a man wearing a dress when I think of the word "transsexual," and my brain still has an issue being associated as such, and I need to get over that. (This is why I almost never cross-dressed as a teenager, even though I really wanted to.) I've been running away from that label my entire life, and going it alone because I was so embarrassed, so you're right, I really do need to join one of those groups. Deep down, I've realized that I still have a lot of extremely-false societal preconceptions burned into my cranium, and it's interfering with my ability to seek the help that I need to go on this journey. Sigh... it's just hard to break a train of thought that I've had for my entire life, especially one that used to be reinforced by my religious beliefs. (I've actually been having a hard time praying recently, because even though I felt like it was God who finally gave me permission to explore this, I'm so used to thinking of the two as completely incompatible, that I can hardly talk to Him anymore.) Yeah, I still have a LOT of issues to work through. Again, that's what happens when you spend your whole life suppressing something. It really screws with your head. (Posting my stories here, and talking about this on these message boards, was

the first time in my entire life that I ha

d ever been 100% honest about this. For 15 years straight, I never talked about it with anyone even though it caused me great pain.)

As always, everyone's thoughts and support are greatly appreciated. I'll admit it, I need all the help and support that I can get.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

UPDATE:

Estrogen patches have finally arrived!

This calls for some serious "YAY!" (http://static.fimfiction.net/images/sto ... 1332926200), and some serious "Woo-Hoo!" (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8wql ... o1_500.gif)

That means that full hormone dosages, not just the chem castration ones, have officially begun as of now! I'm so excited! My journey toward femininity is now officially starting!

[_g (imported)]

UPDATE:

Estrogen patches have finally arrived!

This calls for some serious "YAY!" (http://static.fimfiction.net/images/sto ... 1332926200), and some serious "Woo-Hoo!" (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8wql ... o1_500.gif)

That means that full hormone dosages, not just the chem castration ones, have officially begun as of now! I'm so excited! My journey toward femininity is now officially starting!

Remember things take time, and 6 months from now you will look back and say was that me?

Good Luck

_g

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

FOUR:

(WARNING: Another very long post is to follow... but trust me, this time, it's worth it!!!)

Oh, Lord, what a day. What a day indeed. This really felt like a tale of two completely different days, with the emotions so far apart from each-other, and so extreme, that I could NEVER even have imagined feeling this way.

The big split that happened today, dividing the two moods and the two distinct emotional periods, was the fact that at approximately 11:00 this morning, my estrogen patches finally arrived in the mail. I put the first pair of them on very shortly thereafter, at about noon. My initial mood today was a mood that I'd describe as "slowly-progressing-chem-castration." For the entire morning, and for the first 4-5 hours or so after I put the estrogen patches on, that was the mood that I was in, and it didn't really change that much. But then, all of a sudden, at about 6:30 this evening, it was like a nuclear bomb had exploded inside of my body somewhere, and I skyrocketed into a kind of unfathomable happy mood... the likes of which I had never even come CLOSE to experiencing in my entire life.

So, let's start with the slowly-progressing-chem-castration mood that I was in for most of the day. (God, it's hard to even remember now that I'm in such a different mood. If I hadn't been writing in my journal every single hour today, I never would have been able to remember this mood.)

Anyway, here's what happened in the earl

y day:

Once again, I woke up way earlier than I usually do. I only slept for about 6 hours, about the same as yesterday, waking up at 7:00 a.m. (And again, I LOVE this. In my normal "guy" mode before I started on the chem-castration drugs, it was quite common for me to sleep 10 hours or more, not waking up until the mid-afternoon on most of my days off. And I hated having my whole day almost wasted before it had even started. Where now I actually have free time in the morning to sort my thoughts out before it's time to actually go out and do things. Yay!) As far as the actual mood that I was in, it was once again back to the "quiet contentment" kind of mood. Where it feels like everything's good, and there's no hurry, and I have all the time in the world. It felt more "normal" than some of the other "quiet contentment" moods that I've reported thus far, though. In fact, it didn't really feel that much different from what my normal mood was before I started this trial. And thankfully, unlike yesterday, I wasn't feeling the same kind of masculine feelings or the same sexual-tension antsy-ness that I had felt yesterday when my brain also felt "normal."

Also, unlike yesterday, I was feeling EXTREMELY feminine today. For the first time in like ever, I actually felt like cross-dressing. So I pulled out the lone women's v-neck t-shirt that I own, and one of my pairs of short shorts, and had a little show for myself in front of the mirror. But unlike how it had always been before, where cross-dressing only made me feel depressed because of how uncute I look, this morning it actually made me feel happy, because I was able to focus in on the areas that WERE feminine instead of the areas that weren't. And once again I was really surprised at how much my body shape just naturally looks "right" as a girl, with the exception of a few key areas. For the first time ever, it actually felt amazing to do. For just that brief instant, I got to feel girly and feel feminine inside, and it was such a happy feeling, the kind that fills my soul with clarity and emotional brightness. This is a new feeling. Cross-dressing never did this for me before, it just made me depressed. But now it really felt right. At about that time, I was starting to think "you know, this is a really pleasant mood. It's almost exactly what I was hoping for when I was originally thinking of doing a chem-castration trial. I don't feel uptight, I don't feel stressed, I feel a lot more feminine, and I just feel good about everything." Then I put on my first estrogen patches at noon, but my mood remained the same for quite a while, and I just felt generally happy and content about the whole thing for all of the early-afternoon, and enjoyed the feeling of emotional control.

That was, until the evening came. OH... MY... FREAKING... GOD!!! I swear, I have not LIVED until tonight!!!

It started very subtly, at about 4:30 in the afternoon, when I woke up from a 3-hour nap. For some reason, as soon as I woke up, I just started feeling extremely feminine, and as a result, extremely gender dysphoric, moreso than usual. When I looked in the mirror, it wasn't just my usual "I wish I didn't look so much like a guy" mildly-depressed feeling, it actually felt repulsive, wrong, like I was in disbelief that I was seeing a male body, and that it just couldn't be my real body that I was looking at. And when I spoke, it didn't feel like my voice either. It wasn't just "I liked my unchanged voice better, and this voice isn't right," it was a full-blown dysphoria where somehow I was actually shocked that it was a male voice instead of a female voice coming out of my mouth, and it felt like it wasn't my voice that I was speaking with. I have certainly experienced gender dysphoria before, but never this strongly. And oddly, to go along with that sudden extreme

gender dysphoria, I actually felt m

ore like myself in my head than I ever have in my entire life. For the first time, it really felt like the voice inside my head telling me how to act and how to present myself was actually coming from a me that I liked! So at the same time that my physical gender dysphoria had reached such a high level that it was downright unpleasant, for the first time ever there was no dysphoria whatsoever in my head. (This is the complete opposite of what happened yesterday morning, where physically I felt almost no gender dysphoria whatsoever, but mentally I was downright miserable because my masculine patterns of thought felt really wrong to me, like I wasn't myself in my head.) If these feelings persist, that would mean that I am indeed transgender in addition to transsexual. Because when I started feeling feminine in my mind, it felt so "right" to me. And while I CAN change my physical body to make it match the female mental image of myself that I have stored up there, I can NOT change my mind to make it match the male physical body that I have. So that was quite an interesting train of thought to begin the afternoon with, one that really did solidify and validate my feelings even further. And after realizing this, I started going back into the happy, giddy, excited "Carrie mood," and I felt so happy that I could barely contain myself.

But wait... it gets even better. I could NEVER have fathomed the feelings that came to me next.

Suddenly, at about 6:30 in the evening, something happened. I don't know what triggered it, I don't know where the hell it came from, and I don't know if I'll ever feel something this amazing ever again, but suddenly it was like my entire life changed, and will never be the same again now that I've experienced it. What happened, is that right after I had finished cleaning the bathroom at my roommate's request, I sat down to relax in the recliner, and decided to put some music on. The song was "Forever Young" by Joan Baez. This is the kind of song that always helps me relax, and just puts me in a calm, pleasant mood. But tonight... oh, God, tonight... I don't know what the hell happened. Suddenly, the sheer degree of emotional pleasure that I got from listening to that song was so strong that it was practically orgasmic. Hearing the tone of the singer's voice, and the gentle piano and guitar, it was like a nuclear bomb was going off inside of my head, sending unfathomable amounts of pleasure surging through my entire being. I had NEVER felt that good listening to a song before. I just wanted more, and more. For the next 10 minutes straight, I kept listening to song after song after song by Joan Baez and Joni Mitchell and the Carpenters, and the pleasure that I was feeling just built and built and built with every single song, until it was completely unfathomable. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved these songs. Usually when I listen to them I feel pleasant and relaxed and happy. But tonight... God... it made me feel like I'd been taken to heaven and choirs of baby angels were singing all around me.

And then I made dinner. And while I was cutting up the slices of raw-milk cheese to put in my dinner omelet, I grabbed a piece for myself, and the taste was like an absolute explosion in my mouth! I couldn't believe it! And then when I finally did eat dinner, the whole thing felt like one giant foodgasm. My crappy dollar-store low-sodium bacon, which usually has almost no taste to me whatsoever, felt like there was an orgy in my mouth. The eggs, and the cheese, it all just tasted so unfathomably amazing that I couldn't believe it! It had NEVER tasted like this before. It was almost like I was experiencing taste for the first time! Suddenly it just felt like every single one of my senses was completely on fire! I couldn't stop! Every single time I put a bite in my mouth, it was like my entire body was on fire, and my brain could barely handle feeling that sheer degree of pleasure! I really can't even come close to properly describing how AMAZING these sensations were.

Here's my best attempt... for the record, I did not do ANYTHING extraordinary tonight. All I did was listen to music and cook dinner, things which I do almost every night, and things that are so ordinary that I usually don't give them a second thought. That's all that I did tonight. And yet, this is by far, far and away, unquestionably, the single GREATEST night of my entire life! I have NEVER felt so good since I have been alive on this earth! And I know I've said many times over the last week "I've never felt so good," but THIS... God... THIS, it makes me laugh to think that I actually thought what I was feeling then was pleasure. I had no freaking idea! NOTHING... let me repeat that... NOTHING that I have EVER experienced in my ENTIRE life can even compare to the kind of pleasure that I felt tonight. Not even my first kiss... not even truly falling in love for the first time... not even getting a girl to orgasm for the first time... not even riding the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster back in 8th grade after watching its construction online for EIGHT MONTHS... not even winning 1st place in all of Hillsborough County at Math Bowl back in 11th grade... not even being selected to sing in the all-state honors choir back before my voice changed... not even the most delicious meal that I have ever eaten in my entire life, at Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto's restaurant... not even going to Disney World as a kid... not even freaking CHRISTMAS as a KID even comes CLOSE to comparing to this. That is how amazing this was! It feels like a complete revelation... it feels like half of the pleasure receptors in my brain have been shut down for my entire life, and now suddenly for the first time ever they are all working! EVERYTHING feels better all of a sudden. Food tastes better, music sounds better, our Christmas lights look more beautiful, our cats look cuter, my happiness is unfathomably happier and my pleasure is unfathomably more pleasurable.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN MISSING MY ENTIRE LIFE?!!!!! THIS is what life is supposed to be like! OH MY GOD!!! I don't know how I even lived until tonight! It feels like EVERYTHING I have experienced until now was in a state where I was barely even alive. But this is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER want to go back into ANY state even remotely resembling what my old life was like for the 27 years leading up to this moment. Not only have I never been so happy in my entire life, I didn't even know that it was POSSIBLE to feel this happy. I didn't know that it was possible for ANYONE to EVER feel this happy. I didn't think it was physically possible for a human being to feel this happy. And yet I am. I really can't believe it. I truly did not live until today. And now my life starts anew!

I'm filled with so much excitement now, I can't contain myself, nor do I want to. Is this really what estrogen does? And if so, does this mean that I'm going to be able to experience this kind of hyper-sensitivity and increased happiness from now on? If it really is the estrogen talking, then good God, every male in the entire world, I pity you.

SIDE NOTE: I think I might be starting to get hot-flashes. I've had these random "extremely warm blush" feelings off and on all night, especially on my arms, and I've asked my roommate "is it hot in here or is it just me?" and she said "no, I actually think it's a bit cold." And since the two of us have rarely had differing internal thermostats, I think it's a good bet that that's what I'm feeling.

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

The "happy" feelings do settle down a bit after a while - just don't be tempted to up the dose to get it back when they do!

But unlike how it had always been before, where cross-dressing only made me feel depressed

I know exactly what you mean. I always kept things on the feminine side (except for a bit after some bad experiences) but didn't want to dress up just to make myself feel awful. You do start to get more obsessive over certain things I think.