Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

The "happy" feelings do settle down a bit after a while - just don't be tempted to up the dose to get it back when they do!

No worries, I won't. Since I'm on patches rather than pills, the temptation pretty much isn't even there, since it's much more than just "hmm, maybe just one more pill today to increase the effects," it's weekly doses at a time.

And yeah, I definitely don't expect it to last. I know how it goes... when you first do something, it feels like the most amazing thing ever, and then after a while you get desensitized to its effects and your "normal" readjusts to being used to it. Which is fine with me. I'll have the inner satisfaction of knowing that, even if I can't really notice it anymore, it really is a million times better than the dull grey drear feeling that I put up with for the first 27 years of my life. Having that kind of perspective is such a wonderful thing. And even though I'm just now experiencing it for myself, I always knew it. All through high school, I knew that there was something about the girls that felt more "alive" than the boys, more awake and more happy, getting more out of life, even though they themselves didn't know it. And now I know for sure that I was right all along. And at last, that feeling isn't just some distant shore that I can see and admire but can never get an inch closer to, it really is MINE!!! YAY!!!

(Side note: I'm already feeling close to 100% convicted that this is no longer just a 1-month hormone trial, it's going to be permanent, and my name is going to be Carrie by the time I'm done with this. I'm not going to jump the gun here and call it official, but it's looking more and more likely.)

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

No worries, I won't. Since I'm on patches rather than pills, the temptation pretty much isn't even there, since it's much more than just "hmm, maybe just one more pill today to increase the effects," it's weekly doses at a time.

I'm taking more at the minute due to all the physical stuff over the last couple of years and trying to work out what was wrong. I know it's too much. I'm starting to look and feel more my old self again now I've switched antiandrogens so I'm going to reevaluate that later in the year, which I'm REALLY not looking forward to.

I think shots help with those kind of thoughts though as you do hit a bit of a high and low every week.

I'm already feeling close to 100% convicted that this is no longer just a 1-month hormone trial, it's going to be permanent.

I started because I had to, and I really wasn't expecting anything. I just needed time to breathe. I've never looked back and I couldn't go back. I really hope this is everything you want it to be

I'll have the inner satisfaction of knowing that, even if I can't really notice it anymore, it really is a million times better than the dull grey drear feeling that I put up with for the first 27 years of my life.

Yes that's one thing I never seem to get anymore at least!

and my name is going to be Carrie by the time I'm done with this. I'm not going to jump the gun here and call it official, but it's looking more and more likely

I never really had the kind of fantasy vision of myself, I just didn't let myself. A friend picked my name though which stopped a lot of the worrying and it ended up really growing on me

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

FIVE:

Okay, so today I'm finally going to be able to keep this a bit briefer, because unlike yesterday's "OMGWTF" emotional insanity, today was pretty mellow and not full of the same kinds of extremes. For the most part today, I felt a lot more normal. No extreme emotional highs, only a brief emotional low, and my mood was fairly consistent throughout the day.

When I first woke up, I was still feeling extremely happy. And the heightened ability to feel pleasure was definitely still happening. As soon as I was out of bed, I immediately started writing and trying to find a song to describe my mood, and that song today was "Life's A Happy Song" from The Muppets. And when I listened to it with my headphones on, yet again it was one of those "Oh my God, sure you've listened to music before, but have you ever LISTENED TO MUSIC?" Everything pleasurable in life still felt immensely more pleasurable, and there was still such a lightness and brightness and happiness in my soul that I could barely contain it. Happy things now just sometimes make me practically freak out with excitement, and at its best moments it just immerses my mind with extreme highs of pleasure that were completely impossible for me to feel anything like before. (God, my roommate probably thinks that I've gone completely nuts. She asked me tonight, "Are you sure that there isn't anything else but female hormones in those patches?" After one of my random moments of just feeling uber-excited.)

That feeling, however, did not last. Today I had a bit of a weird work schedule, from 2 in the afternoon to 10 at night, and my new sleep schedule was definitely not adjusted to that. I woke up yet again extremely early in the morning, after exactly 6 hours of sleep (I've slept for EXACTLY six hours for 4 days in a row now,) and I never got a chance to take a nap before I had to go into work, so by the time I was getting on the road I was already starting to feel tired. And as I started feeling tired, the increased happiness quickly began wearing off, and I started just feeling surprisingly close to my normal pre-hormones state of mind, of just going with the flow and not really feeling any significant happiness or sadness. [I started suspecting that maybe I'm not as far along in the progression of hormone levels as I thought... because I didn't really feel much different through probably about 80% of the day, with the only exception being two periods of uber-happiness before work and after work, once the stresses of the day weren't weighing me down anymore.)

There was one huge difference from normal, though. My gender dysphoria was completely off the charts toward the feminine side today. And in fact, at one point, I was actually starting to feel downright miserable because of how intense the feelings were. I felt SO feminine all day. And I actually started getting down on myself, asking internal-dialog questions to myself like "Really? I might have to wait SIX MONTHS or more before I'll really start looking feminine enough to pass? This is so miserably unfair." Usually there is indeed a sense of pleasure and of spirit-uplifing that accompanies my gender-dysphoric thoughts, but today there was no pleasure in it whatsoever, only depression, because it felt so hugely different from my physical reality. As my brain is increasingly feeling more and more feminine, the disconnect between my body and mind is getting bigger and bigger. In fact, I actually started thinking that maybe I'll start living as a girl around the house, in the non-public space where I don't have to worry about the judgmental glances of others. The thought of cross-dressing, and of being a girl around the house full-time, actually made me feel really happy inside. (This was a kind of happiness about the subject that I have never felt before. Before today, such a notion would have seemed completely ridiculous to me.) So there is definitely a serious dose of increased gender dysphoria going along with the estrogen which is now surging through my bloodstream. And although it really does make my head feel much more like itself, and makes me happier than ever when I imagine what the ideal version of me would be doing right now, it also has the potential to make me downright miserable during times when I'm already not feeling good. And today, because of how tired I was feeling, that misery was allowed to creep through for about an hour or so until I had decided that I'd had enough and drank a cup of Diet Coke to stop my brain from feeling so tired. After that, and waking up a bit, I was able to put up with the dysphoria much better.

In regards to erections, this was by far the quietest day I've had in my entire life. I had ONE erection all day. ONE. And that lone erection was first thing in the morning, while I was imagining myself with a vagina. For the entire rest of the day, I did not get a single one. And I'm still loving every single minute of it. My penis is a lot more tolerable to have when it's not constantly trying to bust out of my pants.

My sex drive was also noticeably lessened today. I'm not feeling as attracted to girls as I usually am. I kind of felt more of a greater sense of "kinship," a feeling of closeness rather than a sexual feeling, which by nature relies on constantly thinking about the things that they have which are different. (Side note: every time I saw one of the casino's waitresses walking around today in their (very revealing) bustier-like uniforms, I couldn't help but think "Holy crap... I'M going to have boobs," which really made me chuckle to myself.)

Hot flashes are continuing. During work today, the air temperature was noticeably cool inside the poker room, and yet there were several times during the day where out of nowhere I would start feeling like it was a furnace in there, and that my polyester uniform was choking me. I really don't think these are a big deal. If anything, they're a promising sign that the combination of androcur and estrogen really is starting to work.

As a whole, today felt much more "normal." There were some differences, namely that my highs were still immensely higher, and that my gender dysphoria was much more intense than normal, but as a whole I'm really surprised at how little all of this hormone-experimentation has affected my normal internal dialog. I still think mostly the same, and I still feel like the same person. It's not the way that I THINK that has changed as a result of this trial, it's the way that I FEEL. My head now contains the same internal thoughts, and yet at the same time it is so much happier, and feels pleasurable things so much more, and feels much more feminine, and just feels like now those same normal thoughts are working better.

So those are my feelings for the day. Not much changed today, but the estrogen is still definitely having a wonderful effect on me, where suddenly almost all of the things that I find pleasurable have become much more pleasurable. That is the first really big change that I have noticed so far. Again, I'm honestly surprised how not-different I feel. Either it's not going to change, or my body is putting up one hell of a fight to keep its testosterone levels from dropping. I guess I'll know for sure in the coming days, to see whether that feeling of mental "normal" stays or not.

Still looking up, and still loving just about all of the effects!

(Side note: I've officially decided to extend this trial. Whether or not a gender transition is in my future or not still remains to be officially decided, but now I know for sure that I like the effects of estrogen, and that I want more feminizing. So as I type these words, I am submitting my order for a second month's dosage of androcur, dutasteride, and estrogen patches.)

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Way to go C.K. ..These passages make me happy...I, too, get moments of feminine happiness, although nowhere near as large as yours...Wonderful..It seems as though this may have something to do with your decision to be what you've always wanted to be..Just be careful..and have fun..and share it with us..Smooches Jackie

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Assuming this continues will we get an appropriate name change soon like cheetaqueen243 or cheetaprincess243?

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Assuming this continues will we get an appropriate name change soon like cheetaqueen243 or cheetaprincess243?

Heh... I don't know. I hadn't really considered that yet. ("Cheetaqueen243" would indeed fit with the origin of my username, though, since "Cheetaking" was originally a Pokemon that I invented back in 8th grade, and the name was kind of based on an already-existing Pokemon called "Nidoking," which does have a female counterpart named "Nidoqueen." So yeah, that would actually make sense.)

In the past, though, when I sign up for message boards / e-mail addresses under a female name it's usually either "Mai of the Fire" or "meowmeow243." But I guess I wouldn't want those here, since I'd still want people to be able to know who I am. So honestly, you know what? Once I cross that line in real life, then I'll worry about official titles. Until then, call me whatever you feel like, and I won't mind either way.

I think I am definitely going to change my avatar, though... I need a different image of Nausicaa... something calmer and happier rather than the whole "warrior princess" image that I've been using.

(SIDE NOTE: My official hormone-trial log is going to be very late today, because I'll be working a 6 p.m. - 2 a.m. shift tonight, and then have to turn around and be back into work by noon on Monday. So there's no guarantee that I'll even have the energy to stay awake and write anything tonight. If I can't, I'll make a double-post once I get home from work tomorrow at 8 p.m. Just a heads-up.)

[Hash (imported)]

cheetaking,

Do you think the estrogen is making you mentally reject your maleness in a greater way? I'm just curious to know whether the addition of estrogen actually pushes one further towards the feminine side and increases the disgust level of ones male parts.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

cheetaking,

Do you think the estrogen is making you mentally reject your maleness in a greater way? I'm just curious to know whether the addition of estrogen actually pushes one further towards the feminine side and increases the disgust level of ones male parts.

With me, it certainly has. I don't think I knew what TRUE gender dysphoria was until I went on the estrogen patches. While I've always had gender dysphoria to some degree, and felt like the parts of myself that were masculine just weren't right, post-hormones these feelings progressed from being annoyed to being downright repulsed. I've been feeling SO feminine over the last couple of days, that seeing certain parts of myself now just feels like they're completely 100% wrong. Hell, when I was just re-reading some of my posts from this week, and read the parts where I was talking about my... gulp... penis... it actually felt wrong to even read about it. It's like "God... I can't believe I'm even talking about that. Just mentioning the word "penis" doesn't feel like it matches my personality anymore."

I remember reading somewhere that hormones are a true test of whether someone is really transsexual or not, because your mental feeling, and your mental gender identity, definitely change with the hormones. In my case, the increased feelings of femininity have made me feel a LOT better, and a LOT more like myself, so I'm actually a lot happier than before despite the increased gender dysphoria. But I can easily imagine how others in the same situation might feel extremely uncomfortable with these kinds of thoughts. For them, it might be kind of like the same feeling that I got when, on the morning of day 3 of this trial, I suddenly started feeling way more masculine. And feeling that way made me absolutely miserable, like the thoughts in my head were wrong and they didn't belong to me, even though the physical gender dysphoria almost completely disappeared during that time.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

SIX:

Today was a much calmer day, filled with general pleasantness, happiness, and pretty much no mood shifts whatsoever. This was a great relief to me after the roller-coaster ride that I've been on ever since day 3. It feels like my mind is finally starting to adapt to the new hormone levels a bit, and settle down as a result.

My general feeling today, which has lasted all the way from the minute I woke up at 9:30 this morning until now, 12:30 at night, is just an absolutely wonderful feeling of calm happy contentment. It's one of those days where absolutely NOTHING bothered me, stress was a four-letter word, and I was smiling the whole day through, feeling happier with myself than I've ever felt in my entire life. I made sure to get plenty of sleep during the day before I went into work, so this happy mood lasted all day rather than progressing into my I'm-too-tired-to-feel-happy mood. (I have definitely noticed that my desire to be a girl drops when I start feeling really tired.) But that didn't happen today. Rather, in addition to the constant happiness, I'm still feeling EXTREMELY feminine. Feminine in a way that is calm and very pleasant, actually kind of a feeling of being demure. (Take a look at my new avatar... that picture captures what I feel like on the inside right now pretty much 100% perfectly. That is what I felt like all day.) My feelings of gender dysphoria have also actually gotten even stronger today. It's reached a point now where not only am I repulsed by my masculine features, but angry that they aren't feminine enough. Even looking at my thighs and hips today, which usually are the parts of me that look the most feminine, just didn't do it. I was feeling anxious, afraid that they'd never look feminine, and extremely impatient. (In my journal this morning, I typed "I want thigh fat, hip fat, and smooth skin, damn it!!!") My soul was just aching for those cute feminine features so muc

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" t

ime=1357736880]
h all day. (Again, though, despite
[/quote]
this, I STILL felt happier than I ever have in my entire lifetime. So as my gender dysphoria is getting stronger, it's only convincing me more and more that I really am going to go all the way with this and do a full gender transition.)

Today at work, I started asking myself some very hard questions. This trial has now reached the point where I'm getting in so far over my head that I don't expect I'll ever be able to get back out of it. I just don't see how I'm EVER going to be able to go back to a normal male set of hormones. And confronting this kind of reality, that I'm probably pretty much stuck on female hormones forever now that I know just how amazing they are, and now that they have FINALLY brought me to a mental state of happiness and contentment after 15 straight years of feeling like my brain was only half-functioning, is still a bit hard. It's a big step. It's basically consigning myself to eventually following through with a full gender transition, because within a mere year they will likely have feminized me to such a significant and permanent degree that I'll never be a guy again. So pretty much, after only six days on these hormones, I am already finding myself at the brink of making the biggest decision of my entire lifetime. I never thought it would happen this quickly. I thought the feminine feelings would be more gradual, and that I'd have more time to decide on this. But now, after only 3 days on estrogen, I have already tasted something that is so wonderful and so identity-fulfilling, that I can't imagine ever going back to the way things were before it.

So, yeah, I had a lot of hard thoughts going through my head today. And confronting this issue definitely put some doubts into my head... namely, I was thinking along the lines of "yeah, I love feeling feminine, and yeah I love all of these feminizing effects, and yeah, THIS is me for sure and it's the best thing ever to finally feel like myself, but what are the poker players at my table going to start thinking when I suddenly start growing boobs? How will my bosses react when I want to change my name? What is my dad going to think when I show up at White Thorn for Super Bowl 8 months from now, and I don't even look like myself anymore?" And those kinds of judgmental thoughts really weighed me down for a while.

But there is something that I have realized through all of this. None of these doubts are mine. Not a single one of these doubts have anything whatsoever to do with whether I myself would enjoy being a girl or not. In fact, I have ZERO doubts about that. If it were up to me and me alone, I would already be deciding that this was 100% permanent, and would stay on hormones for the rest of my life until all of my features were feminized, I had boobs and hips and a vagina, and I'd never look back. Every single one of my doubts has nothing to do with whether I personally would like it or not. I know I would love it. I would love every single thing about it. None of my doubts are based on that, they are all based on whether OTHER people want me to be a girl or not. It's always about what other people will think, and what questions they will ask, and what THEY expect me to do, and what THEY see as normal. So, I realized, these doubts have nothing whatsoever to do with whether I am indeed a transsexual or transgender. Now that I've been on the full regiment of hormones for a few days, it is glaringly obvious to me that I am indeed both, and I no longer have any doubts whatsoever left about that. My doubts are all based around the fact that I'm a complete coward. That I'm still afraid of offending people, and still afraid of standing up for myself... those very same flaws that kept me from doing anything like this trial, and kept me from telling a single other person about it, for FIFTEEN years. So the battle is no longer about what my gender identity is. That battle is officially over. I'm a girl. That's all there is to it. And I have been a girl at least since the age of 12, and none of the personal doubts that I have EVER had about that were based in the slightest on what I felt like or what I knew my real personality was like. But rather, they have always been based on fear, and based on being boxed in by the expectations of others. And in regards to this, although I have taken some big steps, I still have a LOT to learn, and a LOT of personality flaws that I'm going to have to get over if I'm going to finally have the strength and the courage to be myself for the first time in my entire life.

Also, before I finish this day's log, I definitely need to mention a few of the physical effects that I'm feeling. Because there has been some progression.

Firstly, my sex drive has once again taken a noticeable sharp downturn. This morning when I was waking up at the same time as my roommate, she was stretching out her smooth soft girly legs, and turned right toward me in nothing but her underwear several times, but I really didn't feel any sexual attraction at all. It wasn't like "OMG, A vagina!" like usual, it was more like "Oh, hey... a vagina. Whadda ya know?" I really had to work at it, trying to recall how seeing those things used to make me feel, before I could drum up any sort of excitement. It was no longer natural, it took conscious effort. And honestly, much more than any sort of attraction, I just felt extremely jealous. My thoughts were like "Man, when do I get to have girly legs and hips like that? These guy legs and guy hips just look so ugly."

Secondly, my erections have started to become noticeably softer. For a long time, when I did try to get it up, it really didn't feel much different when I finally made it to full. There wasn't much hindrance at all. But today, that has now officially changed. Once I was off by myself, I did try to get myself to full erection. But it never quite made it. It "felt" like a full erection, and most of it was just as hard as ever, but the head was noticeably softer. It never got fully hard, no matter how much I tried. Even when it felt like the whole thing should be full, the head just stayed squishable and bendable constantly, which usually doesn't happen. So this is one of the first true physical signs that my sexual ability is now finally starting to drop.

Lastly, I've started having these strange muscle pains in various parts of my body. (The feeling is the strongest on my back and shoulders, but it gos all the way down my arms, into my neck, and all down my stomach as well.) It just perpetually feels like the muscles are tired, kind of like the feeling after a tough workout, even though I have done pretty much absolutely nothing but sit on the couch for the last 3 days. So is this a possible sign that they are starting to break down and feminize? (Please be so! I hope! I hope!)

I don't know why the potential of these physical changes finally starting to happen is exciting me so much. Honestly, right now I feel almost like a teenage girl waiting for puberty to start. Every single little physical sign that something might be happening fills me with excitement and anticipation and giddy happiness, kind of like Margaret Simon screaming out in thanksgiving to God after finally getting her first period.

Anyway, I think that's enough for today. I'm still feeling happier than I have ever felt in my entire life, and every single little sign of feminization occurring makes me feel like a little kid in a candy store.

Lots of love to all!!!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

SEVEN:

(WARNING: This is another very long post...)

Oh, Lord, what a day. I'm sorry that I didn't write this last night, but there's a reason. I was completely SPENT by the time I got back home from work last night.

So, now that I've spent three days straight gushing about the amazingly positive effects of taking estrogen, and how happy I was, let's talk about the negative effects. Because those DEFINITELY started last night. I knew going into this trial that estrogen has the potential to either make you a lot happier, because your highs are higher, but also the potential to make you more miserable, because your lows are lower. And let me tell you, I had one hell of a low yesterday night.

It started pretty innocently... I was just feeling really tired, because I was up until like 3 a.m. the previous night trying to quickly take all of the lights and the ornaments off our Christmas tree so that we could haul it into the yard for the morning trash pickup. And my roommate being her usual self, she got into crazy hyper-cleaning mode, and we ended up vacuuming the whole house because as soon as the pine needles were off the floor she started noticing little specks of kitty litter, and a hundred other things. So we were up until 3:00 at night cleaning, and so I did NOT get much sleep that night. And so by the time I reached the midpoint of my work day, I was ready to keel over.

Usually tiredness just makes me feel miserable, and whiny, but today it affected me in a way that it never had before. Because in addition to emotional tiredness, I started getting some SEVERE muscle fatigue. My shoulders and upper back were absolutely killing me by the time I reached the end of my streak of live poker tables. And to add to that, one of my co-workers came back from break 10 minutes late while I was dealing at the last table in the lineup before break, so by the time I was tapped out of the table to go to break, half of my 30-minute break was already over. And I already felt, both physically and mentally, completely spent, so this was just absolutely terrible to add on to that. (I started going into this awful train of constantly-compounding self-defeating thoughts along the lines of "WHY ME?!!!") And by the time I was finally sent to break, I genuinely felt like crying. Not just whining and complaining like usual, but completely crying.

And I didn't feel any better by the time I got home. Usually once a bad day at work is over with, I can go back to my normal life and feel relieved that I'm finally away from the bad feelings... retreat into "the cave" by spending the evening playing video games and watching TV... just take some alone time, and all of my troubles melt away. But that did not happen last night. Because once I start feeling tired, I've found that I also start feeling much less feminine than usual. And when that happens, I start to doubt myself. And once I started thinking negative thoughts, not even getting off of work could help. These thoughts just kept flooding my mind, and kept getting worse and worse and worse, leading to even more negative thoughts, until it felt like I was drowning in a pool of misery. And I really got hung up on the following train of thought: "Now that I've experienced such happiness, there's no way that I can go back to how things were. But what about all of these other things, like a potential future family, and like relationships, that I'll be giving up! It's so unfair! WAAH!!! WHY ME?!!!" And the more I thought about things like that, the worse and worse my mood got.

The bad thing is, none of these thoughts really make rational sense. Just earlier in the day, I kind of had an epiphany about relationships, and realized that I'd actually feel more comfortable living as a girl, and explaining to some future guy that I'm a transsexual, moreso than going through the pain of having to tell another girl that I have transsexual desires, and having to suppress my femininity for the sake of living up to her ideal masculine mental image again. But in my endlessly-spiraling self-defeating mood, suddenly I just started getting so down on myself that I couldn't think straight.

So, yeah... sheesh... now I know why more women than men have depression. Because your mind does NOT shut up when something is bothering you. And even the smallest of annoyances can trigger a downward spiral where things get worse and worse and worse the more you think about them, to the point that you're hung up on things that have absolutely nothing to do with the thing that was bothering you in the first place. I'm just thankful that there was no ice cream or chocolate in the house last night. (And now I know why women do that too... because the high from those things is much higher, eating those serotonin-boosting foods really does make you feel a lot better... until, that is, you realize that you've screwed up your diet, and then you start feeling terrible all over again.) The only way that I finally got my brain to shut up, was when I was finally able to realize what I was doing. I realized "oh, wow, this must be what people meant when they said "lower lows." Okay, then, I guess what I really just need is a good night's sleep to quiet my mind down. I'll feel much better in the morning." And I did, crashing on the bed at least 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do, and sleeping a full 10-hour night, unlike every day for the last week straight. And this morning, I DO feel much better. But now I know... taking estrogen is not all sunshine and rainbows and shimmering happiness. If you're happy, it will make you more happy. But man... if you're miserable, or depressed, it has the potential to completely destroy you. Looking back on it, I barely had any reason to be upset last night. All that was really wrong was that I was tired. And yet that tiredness spiraled out of control, and this simple little low ended up making me feel as bad as during the worst lows that I have ever had in my entire life. (I can only recall feeling worse TWICE, during my senior years of high school and college, when both times I was working nonstop for 3 weeks or more straight, trying to finish my finals projects.)

So, yeah... for the first 3 days it had been nothing but happiness, but yesterday was downright miserable by the end of the day.

And you know what the stupidest part o

f this is? I did NOT start the

day feeling bad at all. When I woke up, I was still feeling uber-feminine, and feeling that way made me smile, and it was just as good as it had been for the last few days before that... even better, actually. Here's what I wrote in my morning journal:

-"In regards to normal mood this morning, you know the story. It's the same as yesterday. I feel calm, pleasant, very happy, very feminine, and just thinking about various parts of myself transforming to be more feminine makes me feel happy and giddy inside. Same old, same old. And it's still AWESOME, and I'm still having a really hard time seeing how it's even possible that I would ever go back to my old life before estrogen. Anyway, time to get moving... have to leave for work in an hour."

Anyway, that's the emotional part of it. Started the day feeling great, ended it feeling EXTREMELY crappy. So, now on to the physical changes. And yes, there yet again are some definite physical changes starting.

First of all, my erections are definitely a lot softer than they were before. I gave myself an orgasm that morning (took a little more effort than usual, but not much,) and yet the thing never even came close to its usual hardness. The head was maybe at about 60% of its normal hardness at the most, and the bottom part stayed somewhat flexible as well, maybe 70%-80% full. And when I finally climaxed, the resulting fluid was WAY more liquidy than usual. Usually it's thick enough that it's almost like a gel, but this morning it was almost completely liquid. So I suspect that as of now, I'm probably no longer capable of reproduction, even if I shot it right into another girl with no protection whatsoever. (And yes, when I was writing this passage yesterday morning, I really did type "another girl" in, without really thinking about it. It wasn't until I re-read it later that I realized I had just grouped myself in with the girls. But again, I just felt EXTREMELY feminine yesterday morning.)

Also, and this is VERY weird, I feel like my sexual orientation has changed slightly. When I pulled out my guy parts yesterday morning, I actually giggled a little bit on the inside, and playing with them was actually kind of fun in a "wow, this is cool" kind of way, while usually I don't really even think about it, or it even annoys me. And for just the slightest instant, I felt like maybe I wouldn't mind touching a different guy's as much. Usually the thought of even seeing a penis, including my own, repulses me. But today it was actually kind of fun. I am still MUCH more attracted to other girls, but now the thought of other guys isn't quite as repulsive as it usually is. (Okay, so I just referred to myself as both a member of the girls as well as a member of the guys... I guess I'm kind of seeing myself as a member of both genders at the moment.) Anyway, so while my normal sexual orientation is usually somewhere along the lines of 90% straight 10% gay, today it felt more like a 2:1 split, maybe like 67% to 33%. I'm starting to feel a little bit more bisexual. (Side note: hmm... am I really "straight" if I'm still attracted to girls? Or am I, as Eddie Izzard put it, "A lesbian trapped in the body of a man?")

The last physical thing, is once again the muscle thing that I mentioned earlier. My muscles HURT! My upper back and shoulders especially just constantly feel like they've been through strenuous workouts, even though they've barely moved all day, and these sensations were MUCH stronger than they were when they started yesterday. So I can definitely feel that my body's "masculine" muscle groups are starting to break down. And even in the midst of feeling really crappy both physically and emotionally, I still felt EXTREMELY feminine all day. I just felt like my natural movements were becoming more feminine, and I felt like acting more feminine, and even when I was feeling my crappiest, these feminine motions and pains and all of that STILL made me feel really happy and fulfilled inside. So even though this was a really tough night, I'm still feeling fulfilled on this inside. This is RIGHT! All of it is. I don't care if it hurts, it's who I am.

Anyway, I've said enough. That was yesterday, and that was why I didn't post anything last night. I felt really crappy. (And yet through all of that pain I'm still feeling just as convicted as ever.) My next update will still be tonight, once this day is over. (I think I'm going to go wig shopping today... I really feel like dressing like a girl all of a sudden... maybe even in public.)

Lots of love!

(^_−)☆

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

EIGHT:

So, today was a bit of a milestone... It was exactly this day one week ago that I started this journey in the first place. And man, I needed a day like today to calm myself down. I have REALLY been over-thinking this whole thing, riding the tremendous highs and lows like so many sets of uncontrollable hurricane-driven waves washing over me, and I'm honestly completely worn out emotionally from doing so. I've been feeling so uptight during this whole thing... every single emotional high has been a sign from God that this was my destiny, and every emotional low has been like someone threatening my newfound identity at gunpoint. Today, I've realized that for my own sanity, I have to quit over-thinking this so much. So as of now, this daily log is going to quit being such an emotional roller-coaster ride. I'm not going to talk about my state of mind as much, and I'm going to try to just focus on a few key things that I'm feeling and seeing.

So, anyway, today I made my official one-week update video. And then once I had filmed it, I compared it with the "pre" video that I made at this exact time last week. And you know what? Something looks different. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I could see just the slightest bit of a definite difference in my face. Something looked ever-so-slightly more feminine. And I looked just a slight bit younger, too... before I started, I feel as though I looked pretty much my age, late-20's in appearance. Where now I feel like I look more like I'm in my early-20's again. And again, I can't put my finger on exactly why, but when I compared the two videos, it was definitely there. (I actually noticed this starting a couple of days ago, but I kept telling myself that I had to be imagining things, because it was WAY too early for that to be happening, so that's why I haven't mentioned it yet.) And there was one other BIG difference. In the opening video, I wasn't anywhere near as happy. I was smiling, sure, and seemed really excited that I was finally about to start this journey, but compared to today's video, I looked emotionally dead. In today's video, I was smiling the whole time, and there was such a happiness and a brightness about everything that I did, and every way that I moved. (Also, my guy parts looked smaller, so yay on that too!)

So this one-week-update video really made me feel happy. When I noticed that my face was indeed just the slightest bit more feminine, you can't imagine how happy that made me feel on the inside. And I'll be honest, I was starting to doubt myself now that the shimmering-happiness phase of my first 3 days on estrogen is long gone, because I just started feeling "normal" again, but making this video really reminded me that, despite the lack of uber-happiness, what I was doing really was going to make me much more happy. Because even this tiny little bit of physical evidence that I'm feminizing made me feel like a million bucks.

So, in a way, I suppose this is where the real test begins. Because I really do not feel that amazing anymore... I mainly just feel kind of "normal," like my mind has finally adjusted to the new hormones and is settling down into a new state of normality. So the question remains... without this state of uber-happiness driving me toward femininity, will I still feel inclined to keep following the path toward femininity, or will my convictions die off with that emotional high? I don't have an answer to that right now, nor do I still feel a need to. Right now, what I do know is that I LOVED the thought that my face was becoming more feminine in real life, I still feel really happy inside when I imagine having smooth skin and feminine curves and a face that actually looks happy and pleasant instead of manly and stoic. And that's enough for now. I've been worrying too much, feeling like I have to decide RIGHT NOW who I am. But you know, now I don't feel that pressure. Now I feel like what I really have to do is sit back, experience the physical changes as they happen, and see whether I keep liking them or not. It's okay. I still have another whole 2 or 3 months before any of the feminizing effects will start to become permanent, so there's really no hurry.

I did end up spending a significant portion of the day today wearing my short shorts, women's t-shirt, and the lone bra that I own, just to kind of see how I felt in them (and I had a bit of an epiphany about how a gender transition wouldn't just mean the mindset that I'd always had about women's clothes, which is "It sure would feel nice to wear those and be comfortable for a while," rather it would mean wearing them ALL THE TIME... as in never wearing men's clothing again. It would mean a complete change in mindset about what I think of when I think of "getting dressed.") And I really had to think about that for a while. For the few hours that I was wearing them, I never stopped liking them. They made me feel so pretty, and so comfortable, and so happy while I was just sitting there on my computer wearing them. But then I got up and looked at myself in the mirror, and I just about started crying because of how terrible my masculine body looked in them. I don't look cute at all in them, I just look gross. And so I couldn't stand them anymore after that. It was kind of like that scene in my "Life as a Girl" story where I had to put men's underwear and a sock over my vagina. It was the same kind of feeling... I love those clothes so much, and yet I can't wear them because I look so wrong in them. It really isn't fair.

As one final note, I did have to replace both of my estrogen patches today, because they both were starting to fall off. (A message to anyone else who is thinking of using them... DO NOT put them on the top of your butt like I did. They itch like crazy, leave this sticky dark residue that you can't peel off because you can't really properly see them back there, and that location moves around way too much, so it gets wrinkled and starts falling off almost immediately. The two places that I put them today, on the lower right part of my stomach and on my upper left bicep, were both MUCH better, to the point that today I didn't even notice that they're there. So hopefully this time they'll be able to survive the whole seven days.) [Side note: I was kind of wondering if maybe the lack of uber-happiness in recent days was due to the effects of the patches wearing off in the second half of their weekly life cycle, but replacing them with new ones today has confirmed that this is not true. My mental state really is settling into a new normal, and the intense highs are probably over now. Which is fine. I was getting really exhausted there.]

So, anyway, now that I've calmed down and thought rationally for a day, I'm back to just feeling very calm and very pleasantly happy. Things are back to not bothering me as much, everything is good, and I'm also back to feeling like there's no hurry and no need to worry... que sera sera! I'll know what's right for me in due time. And until then, I should just enjoy the ride.

Here's to a bright tomorrow!

(✿◠‿◠)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

NINE:

So, today, let's talk a little bit about the male sexual-arousal cycle. Because today was, yet again, another very up-and-down day for me, where I started the morning feeling the first tensed-up need-to-release-sexually feeling that I've had in a long time, and my brain was absolutely overflowing with doubts, and then later in the day I was right back to being in feminine mode... calm, relaxed, and happy.

I have NEVER been comfortable with an adult male sexual drive. For years, it felt wrong to me, and I knew that I was never as happy since it started, but I didn't have a name for it because I really didn't know any better. But now that I have been on chem-castration for 9 days, and have gotten some perspective on the matter, for the first time in my life feeling a sense of release from that sexual drive, now it's opened my eyes to what my sexuality truly is like.

The reason I bring this up is because I had a very rough morning. I spent the whole morning feeling decidedly un-feminine. (And yet, this time, the gender dysphoria did not disappear along with it. So it was a terrible combination of feeling like I wanted to be a girl, and yet every single time I looked in the mirror I felt completely depressed, and every time I looked down at my body I just felt extremely depressed, and I had a real sense that not only was my body wrong, my mind was wrong too. God, what a combination.) I spent all morning feeling tense and on-edge and depressed, to the point that I ended up crying several times. And then suddenly I noticed that I was feeling like I needed a sexual release. So I did. And wouldn't you know it, no less than a couple of hours after orgasm, suddenly I was right back to feeling that amazing feeling of inner peace that I had been sorely lacking for the last few days.

So what does this mean in regards to this trial? I've realized, it means that in all likelihood, my T levels still have not dropped down as much as I thought they had. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they have barely dropped at all, because I've been feeling very un-feminine for two or three days now. And my sex drive, and the associated sexual tension, clearly have still not gone away. (They are a bit more under control than usual, but they're definitely still there.) So all conclusions that I thought I had made over the last week, thinking that my T levels had dropped substantially, you can pretty much throw those right out the window. In reality, this trial has probably barely even begun. My body is putting up one hell of a fight in regards to resisting change.

And also, it means that I have finally come to a big personal decision. I have realized that my sex drive has always felt like a foreign invader. For me, it is not pleasurable, and it is not enjoyable. It's like a constant lingering need that is only satisfied for short periods at a time. But 95% of the time, it makes me more miserable than happy. It makes me feel unfulfilled, it makes me feel angry and competitive, it makes me feel tense and on-edge, and it keeps me from feeling pleasure from the things that I truly do get pleasure from in life. These things, for me, do not involve sex. My true pleasures in life, the ones that I can remember, come from living in the moment... a feeling of a lack of need. Just sitting and enjoying a beautiful sunset, or watching a good movie, or listening to good music, or eating some great food, or even just spending some happy time with friends. These are pleasures in life that not only do not involve sex whatsoever, but the tense feeling that comes from sex actually hinders my enjoyment of them. And now, I definitely realize this. And as the week has gone on, the more and more my guy parts have shriveled up and slowly lost function, the better and better I have felt in the inside, and the more I have enjoyed these simple pleasures in life. For the first time in 15 years, during those asexual periods, my default state became happiness again. And unlike my mental sexual identity, which has gone back and forth between feminine and androgynous all week, my love of feeling freed from that sexual desire has NEVER changed one iota during the entirety of this 9-day trial.

So now we come to my big decision. I have decided that I am a much happier person without testosterone in my life. Looking back, all that testosterone and an adult sex drive has EVER done is make me miserable, and make me feel unhappy inside whenever I'm not in that magical post-orgasm-calmness mood. So while I am ind

eed still on the fence about the estrogen a

nd whether I still want to do a full gender transition or not, I am indeed ready to make a decision about the chem-castration. It's permanent. As of this moment, I am declaring myself no longer a sexual being. I never want to have another male sexual-response cycle as long as I live. Even if I do eventually stop the estrogen, I am not going to stop with the androcur and finasteride, and I plan on one day having everything surgically removed. Being freed from that constant cycle of physical neediness is the first time that I have been truly happy, and truly at peace with the world, for 15 years. The 15 years that I had an adult sex-drive were 15 years too long. So as of this post, you may officially declare me a member of the eunuch community.

Here's to a brighter tomorrow, finally freed from the endless cycle of frustration-and-release that has made me miserable for my entire adult life.

-cheetaking243, official chemical eunuch!

Cheers! (＾-＾)＿日

[Hash (imported)]

What happens to many chemical eunuchs is that after awhile, after using these drugs month after month, is they get tired of the drugs and the expense. Dr. McGinn is a transsexual surgeon who also removes testicles for those who want to stop the madness of drugs. Just a thought. http://www.drchristinemcginn.com/servic ... ectomy.php

[fhunter]

Be careful with back/shoulder muscles, they not only feel sore,they can be much easier damaged. I learned that the hard way two years ago.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

What happens to many chemical eunuchs is that after awhile, after using these drugs month after month, is they get tired of the drugs and the expense. Dr. McGinn is a transsexual surgeon who also removes testicles for those who want to stop the madness of drugs. Just a thought. http://www.drchristinemcginn.com/servic ... ectomy.php

Not quite ready for that yet. If I do get tired of taking the drugs eventually, then I'll look into actual surgical castration, but right now it's way too soon. I do absolutely plan on doing it one day, possibly with full SRS even if I don't decide to go for a full gender-transition, but again, it's not a pressing concern at the moment. Although I do hate my guy parts and want them gone, I want to test my convictions for an extended period (at least another few months, if not a year,) before doing anything that's 100% irreversibly permanent. (Especially since I'm only 27 years old, I'm single, I don't have any kids, and I'm still a virgin for crying out loud, so this is a much bigger sacrifice for me than it is for the average person on this site. As such, I really

need to make sure that I'm absolutely sure first.)

Be careful with back/shoulder muscles, they not only feel sore,they can be much easier

damaged. I learned that the hard way two years ago.

I guess I've never really considered that, especially since I've never had a muscle injury before. (I play volleyball a lot, so my shoulders are probably a bit stronger than the average person's.) I will indeed watch out for that,though. I'll ease up on the heavy lifting.

[_g (imported)]

Just remember that it takes about 2 to 3 weeks before the testosterone is fully reduced, and your hormones are stable. Until them your in a transitional state, lots of back and forth (or up and downs).

Be careful as you do lose muscle unless you keep up a good exercise schedule.

_g

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

TEN:

Yay!!! Finally, I had a day where once again I felt feminine all day, happy all day, and had an amazing sense of inner peace all day, plus none of that obnoxious sexual tension that I'm increasingly glad to be rid of (hopefully forever this time.) My convictions in regard to going through with complete feminization have been off and on, and quite a rollercoaster ride for the last week or so, but today was definitely an "on" day. And I really do feel great when I'm at the peaks of these feelings, so I pretty much felt great all day. My biggest emotional struggle all day was when I started imagining what I'm going to look like 8 months from now when it's time for me to go to the nude-volleyball Superbowl with my dad and aunt in September. I was thinking a lot about how, if I really do decide to continue with the feminization regime in addition to the chem-castration once the 2nd month is over, I'm going to explain to them why I suddenly have boobs. I eventually did reach a reasonable plan, and after that my worries significantly subsided, so it wasn't a big deal, and that was the only anti-feminine thought I had all day.

And now on to the physical effects. And this is a big one... the whole reason why I was a bit hung up on the whole "having boobs at a nudist camp" thing, was because I noticed something a bit shocking today... my nipples are already starting to change shape. Usually my nipples are pretty much completely flat aside from the little round bit sticking up in the middle. But now I've noticed something a bit different. The tissue directly around the middle area of my nipples, is starting to look just the slightest bit more conical. There's a tiny little bulge that starts about halfway from the edge to the middle, and reaches a small peak with the nipple itself. (It's very tiny and almost unnoticeable... maybe a millimeter or two at the most. But it's definitely there. And it's on both sides.) Also, when I pushed in on the nipples hard enough, it actually hurt. It never used to hurt at all when I did that, it just behaved like slightly-more-sensitive-than-average skin. So SOMETHING is definitely starting to happen there. (And this started yesterday, and got even more noticeable today, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my mind playing tricks on me.) So this is a big one. After a week on estrogen, I'm already seeing some signs that breast growth is potentially about to start.

Also, my muscles are definitely starting to get weaker. After a full day of work that usually isn't the least bit physically strenuous, my muscles were KILLING me! My upper back and shoulders and arms were the parts that felt the worst, but my legs hurt also. Everything felt really tired and achy. (And the body-composition scale has indeed been showing a slow decline in muscle mass over the last 5 mornings... I always weigh myself as soon as I wake up in the morning. And when I started out, my body's muscle % was 37.3%. It's been slowly declining every single morning since then, and this morning it came out at an all-time low of 36.9%. I really doubt it's dropped that much in such a short time, but it is consistently reading lower than it was before. SIDE NOTE: I've also managed to drop my body fat percentage by the same amount, as well as 7 lbs in total weight. Progress!!! Yay!!!)

One more physical effect that I haven't mentioned yet, is that for the past few days or so I've been feeling like temperature fluctuations are affecting me more than they usually do. I usually have an INCREDIBLE internal thermostat in the winter time, and can walk outside in shorts and a t-shirt for a good 5 minutes before even starting to feel the chill. But not anymore. Two days ago, when I stepped outside to move my car aside so that my roommate could get out of the driveway, as SOON as I was out the door I was shivering like crazy, and could barely stand the cold for a few seconds before I was desperate to run back inside. And for the past few days, when I've taken hot showers in the morning, for some reason by the time they're over I'm almost at the brink of being overheated. After those showers, I'm breathing heavily, my heart rate is way up, I feel like I'm burning up all over and need to cool down, and again this just never happened before. So I have become MUCH more susceptible to hot and cold. For the first time in my life, I need to wear a jacket every time I go outside unless I'm in the mood to freeze my butt off.

And finally, I just want to add one last note about my chosen method of estrogen delivery, patches. I'm starting to suspect that I have been on a half-dose of E for the last few days, because when I replaced my E patches on Tuesday, I stuck one of them on my left bicep. Now usually I can tell that the E patches are working because the skin touching the hormone surface of the patch will feel itchy, and will feel a little bit tingly below the surface. This happened with the ones on my backside, and also happened with the one on my front. But it never happened with the one on my arm. And today, after less than 2 days, the patch on my arm just completely fell off, out of nowhere. So, yet again, I had to break out a new one WAY ahead of schedule. (Damn it... that's 15 dollars worth of patches wasted now because the damned things won't stay on!) And this time, I decided to put it back on a more sensitive area with thinner skin and less muscle, and put it just above my left hip bone. And once that was on, for the first time in days, I finally had a day where I felt feminine all day. Even during the few down moments that I had today, I never stopped feeling feminine. So although it could just be because of how calm and peaceful my decision to be a eunuch permanently has made me, maybe it was the hormones too. I don't know.

I definitely feel like my T levels have resumed dropping now. I got a few hot-flashes again at work today (which really made me miserable for a while there, when combined with all of the muscle fatigue,) and at the same time my sex drive has noticeably dropped once again. (I had ONE erection all day.) So I

really hope this continues, and is not jus

t another cycle on

the roller-coaster ride that I'

ve been on for the last week or so. I hope my T stays low, and my sex-drive stays gone. I'm a much happier person without it. Today, it was another day where EVERYTHING was more pleasurable. When I listened to music this morning, it gave me an unfathomable sense of happiness. When I saw the sunrise, and the pretty lights from the city skyline, it made me so happy and peaceful. When I saw a flock of seagulls flying behind a cargo ship as it pulled out down the Cuyahoga River, I was overwhelmed by the simple beauty of the scene. God, I just love this feeling so much... everything that I love just seems that much more beautiful and that much more enjoyable, and that feeling of peace and calmness is like my whole body is being bathed in the most amazing salve. THIS is what I want out of life, and I pray that this time it never again yields to the tense agitated uptightness that is my male sexual response cycle.

As always, here's to a bright tomorrow! I wish every day could be as happy as this day was for me!

(SIDE NOTE: I just wanted to mention, that yesterday morning while I was still feeling crappy and tense and un-feminine, I had a genuine prayer session for the first time in a VERY long time, maybe months. So now I'm finally feeling much better spiritually as well, and feel like God is with me and guiding me again.)

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

Yay!!! Finally, I had a day where once again I felt feminine all day, happy all day, and had an amazing sense of inner peace all day, plus none of that obnoxious sexual tension that I'm increasingly glad to be rid of (hopefully forever this time.) My convictions in regard to going through with complete feminization have been off and on, and quite a rollercoaster ride for the last week or so, but today was definitely an "on" day.

What did I tell you?

My biggest emotional struggle all day was when I started imagining what I'm going to look like 8 months from now when it's time for me to go to the nude-volleyball Superbowl with my dad and aunt in September.

Usually my nipples are pretty much completely flat aside from the little round bit sticking up in the middle. But now I've noticed something a bit different. The tissue directly around the middle area of my nipples, is starting to look just the slightest bit more conical.

They pop out so quickly at first and then it's like watching paint dry. The first year or two is certainly the most dramatic or was for me but please don't worry if you don't get the progress you want as quickly as you want it!

[JessicaH (imported)]

HRT trials are relatively harmless. I'm in month 26 and just want to make sure this HRT thing is for me.... lol.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Since this is DIY, I worry about the pains you are having. Especially how quickly they started. Plus the way you jumped in whole hog as it were it concerns me. Have you looked into finding a clinic that offers "Informed Conssent" hormone treatments? They'll prescribe without making you do the standard crap they put people through to transition. It would be better if you were being monitored by an Endocrinologist.

Hope its all good and just par for the course stuff.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Since this is DIY, I worry about the pains you are having. Especially how quickly they started. Plus the way you jumped in whole hog as it were it concerns me. Have you looked into finding a clinic that offers "Informed Conssent" hormone treatments? They'll prescribe without making you do the standard crap they put people through to transition. It would be better if you were being monitored by an Endocrinologist.

Hope its all good and just par for the course stuff.

It's just fatigue. It's not that they're constantly hurting, or that there's some abnormal pain, it's just that they get sore WAY faster during the day than usual. I'm a poker dealer, so I have to use my arms a LOT, and it's usually after about 3 hours of work that I start feeling really spent. If there was some lingering kind of pain that didn't feel normal, then I would be a lot more worried, but this is very clearly just a fatigue issue. With days full of pitching cards, reaching across the entirety of our huge poker tables three times a minute to collect all of the chips into the pot, dealing out flops and turns, constant hand gestures toward the players when it's their turn to act, pushing the pot, dropping the rake, and tapping the tips on the table before I drop them, I'm not surprised whatsoever that my arms and shoulders feel completely spent after about 3 hours of it. And that fatigue pretty much goes away as soon as I get home and can just sit and relax for a while. (I'll agree with you, though, I am indeed surprised that all of this is happening so quickly. I'm already seeing facial changes, and nipple budding, and it's only been a week. I'm going really fast for some reason.)

Anyway, yeah, I know what I'm doing is risky. I did kind of make a rash decision to just jump right into it like I did. But so far, so good. There appears to be nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary happening, and I've never been happier. The only adverse physical effect so far has been that I get tired faster, which I honestly expected, since just about everyone who has done a chem-castration trial has reported this exact thing. There are no signs whatsoever of any of the other common negative side-effects of these pills. Rest assured, I'm keeping vigilant for anything that's out of the ordinary or that could be a sign of a potential medical problem. (I have a list of things to watch out for.) And thus far there have been absolutely none.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

ELEVEN:

Okay, so today I'm going to get to start this daily entry with something REALLY cool! Last night, I had an orgasm in my sleep that was COMPLETELY dry. At 2:00 this morning, suddenly I had an absolutely mind-blowing orgasm in the middle of a dream, and awoke to the usual feeling of spasms that typically accompany ejaculation, and yet when I looked down at myself, there was absolutely NOTHING there. No sperm, no ejaculatory fluid, nothing whatsoever. And to add to the weirdness, I didn't even have much of an erection at all when it happened. I couldn't believe it. This has indeed happened to me before, twice actually, and somehow it's just a completely different kind of orgasm than the kind that I usually get both while awake and asleep. This kind of orgasm feels completely different. The usual orgasm involves a rock-hard "member," and a gradual building and building of sexual tension through physical contact until the pleasure finally releases in a short burst, ejaculation occurs, and then it's over, and there's the usual relapse period where I can't even think about sex afterward, let alone hope for another orgasm for quite a while. But these three dry orgasms, which I have only ever experienced in my sleep, are COMPLETELY different. The feeling that leads up to them does not necessarily involve an erection, and doesn't necessarily have the same need for physical sensations and physical motion. It's almost like an extremely-intense tickle feeling, like pure sexual pleasure unhindered by physical limitations. And this pleasure isn't a slow bubble that's mostly contained within the genitals, it's like an absolute explosion. When it finally reaches orgasm, it just absolutely erupts across the entirety of the lower body, everywhere from the stomach down to the knees, with the focal point at the genitals. And unlike a normal male orgasm, it's not necessarily over after that. This morning, I didn't have the same feeling of relapse as usual. I instantly was able to get an erection again. And yes, I have indeed had multiple orgasms with this type of dry orgasm before. It happened several years ago, but I'll never forget that unbelievable sensation. Basically what happened is that, right as the first one was calming down, suddenly that ticklish sexual sensation started up again. And if the first one was an eruption, this second one was like an atomic explosion. It was like every particle of the first explosion was now exploding tenfold. I have NEVER felt something that amazing ever since. And also unlike the normal male orgasm, where afterward you feel satisfied and go back to a state of tired contentment, this dry type of orgasm has a completely different after feeling. You don't feel tired and content, you feel ALIVE!!! Awake, unbelievably happy, like your whole body is filled with light, and that feeling just lasts and lasts rather than progressing back to melancholy and stoicism within about an hour. (I really wonder... is this what they call a "female orgasm?" And if so, why the hell is it that I'm able to get them in my sleep? That really shouldn't happen when you think about it.)

So, yeah... that was REALLY cool. And it was just one of the reasons why I was feeling unbelievably happy all morning.

So, anyway, this morning I was really happy for a number of reasons. First there was probably the lingering effects of that AMAZING dry orgasm overnight. But in addition to that, I just felt unbelievably physically feminine this morning. And this was triggered when I looked in the mirror, and was amazed that there has been even more progress in the facial-feminization department. There have been definite changes. I don't know exactly what has changed, but for some reason my cheeks look younger, my smile looks brighter when I smile, and my eyes look brighter and more open than usual. There's no mistaking it anymore, it really is starting to change. And here is the great part... for the first time in YEARS, I'm actually starting to like the way that I look. The more feminized my face is looking, the more and more it's making me happy inside, and the more it's making me actually enjoy the way that my face looks. (Wow... that's just such an amazing thing... for the first time since the age of TWELVE, I'm actually starting to LIKE the way my face looks again!!! YAY!!!) And there has also been some now-undeniable progression in the nipple area. Yesterday and the day before, there were the hints of conical shapes showing up around the middle of my nipples, while today it was REALLY starting to look conical. In fact, the bulges have gotten big enough now that I could still see the little points through my shirt after I got dressed.

This is the first day where I have officially been able to look at myself in the mirror and say for sure "There's not even a remote possibility that I'm imagining things anymore. The feminization really has started full-gear now." And the amazing thing is, these changes are already bringing me an AMAZING sense of happiness, even though they're still in their infancy. All day, I couldn't stop looking at my face, and feeling absolutely amazing inside as I realized that I was actually enjoying it. And all day, I couldn't stop looking at my little increasingly-perky nipples, and again just felt so good on the inside. (And there was no sexual motive whatsoever involved in this... I didn't have ONE erection all day. The closest I got was the half-erection I had after the 2-a.m. dry orgasm.) This is a kind of pleasure that is all in the head... it's all about the sheer excitement of actually liking what I see as it changes, and feeling like every single one of the changes is so "right," and actually starting to feel comfortable with the way my own body looks for the first time in EVER!

You know what's a good metaphor for this? It's just like when I finally bought panties for the first time. For all of my life, men's underwear had felt uncomfortable to me. For some reason other guys feel more comfortable having more space "down there," but I could never get over the feeling of everything flopping around. So my options for years were either to put up with constant penile discomfort because the material was too loose all over, or put up with tight elastic waist-bands digging into my hips all day because I had to wear underwear that were 2 sizes smaller than my waist size in order for the rest of it to feel comfortable. That is like what my life was like as a guy. I was constantly uncomfortable, constantly hating the way my body looks, constantly unable to express myself, but I put up with it because I was too cowardly to try what I believed would make me more comfortable. And then, about a year and a half ago, after wanting to for my entire life, I tried on a pair of panties. And it was like lightning had struck. For the first time EVER, I actually felt comfortable in my own underwear. And for months after that, I was just constantly looking at myself wearing them, loving the way that I looked in them and the way that I felt in them. It's like the same thing now with the actual physical feminization changes... for the first time EVER, I actually am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, after a whole lifetime of putting up with the constant discomfort. And there is one more side to this metaphor. Because I eventually did lose my interest in constantly looking at myself wearing the panties. They ceased being so new and exciting, and just became a part of my daily existence. So they don't really excite me anymore. But they are still WAY more comfortable than my men's underwear ever were, and there's no way in hell I'm ever going back. The physical feminization is much the same. Right now, it's new and exciting. But it's not the newness and the excitement that make me want to continue... it's the comfort. And that comfort will never go away, even long after the excitement has ceased and I've gotten used to the physical changes. I recognize this feeling, because I've felt it before, in regards to a much smaller little personal feminization decision that I made about a year and a half ago.

So, yeah, this morning, after I realized just how much I loved the way that I was starting to look, and recognized that feeling of comfort, I'd never felt more happy or more certain that I wanted to continue with the feminization. And this made me SO happy that it was almost unfathomable. This was one of the happiest mornings of my entire life in terms of just how good I felt inside. (Side note: I officially ordered the "Finding Your Female Voice" DVD series this morning, as well as a couple of wigs from Amphigory after playing around with my self-picture in Photoshop for a good 2 hours straight trying to find a hair style that would look pretty on me. And I also spent a significant portion of the morning being a total nerd, and looking at lots of different female cosplay potentials, feeling so amazing inside as I thought... "my God... I'm actually going to be able to wear these!!! YAY!!!") I was just filled with so much giddy excitement, and so much girlish glee this morning, that I couldn't contain myself. It was a whole morning of striking poses in front of the mirror, randomly jumping and skipping around as I cooked breakfast, and just feeling so happy inside. From where I'm standing now, the future has NEVER looked so bright.

And then unfortunately work came, and totally wrecked my mood. With my decreased muscle endurance recently, work has become a daily exercise in discomfort. I almost always start the day feeling great, but then within about 3 hours of constant arm motions from pitching cards and raking in chips, I feel physically SPENT, and just want to go back home. Today was no exception. I was crying out for mercy by the time the day was finally over because I felt so freaking tired. So while my home life has never been better, and never been happier, my work life has become a serious chore this week. Kind of a bummer. But whatever. Let's not talk about that. I'm sure I'll adjust to the decreased muscle mass soon enough. It's going to be one hell of a tough next few months in that regard, but it's worth it if it really does mean FINALLY liking the me that I see in the mirror.

-With love, and a wish of GOOD NIGHT! (I'm going to bed... man, I'm tired... just got back from work an hour ago.)

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

I didn't know they had table games in Ohio now. I thought it was all just in the neighboring states like West Va, PA, and Indiana. Then again being in PA, I don't get all the Ohio state news

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I didn't know they had table games in Ohio now. I thought it was all just in the neighboring states like West Va, PA, and Indiana. Then again being in PA, I don't get all the Ohio state news

Yup. There's actually three full-fledged casinos operating in Ohio now. Horseshoe Cleveland, Hollywood Toledo, and Hollywood Columbus. And a fourth, Horseshoe Cincinnati, will be opening in just over a month. All four of them have slots, table games, and full poker rooms.

[butcherbaby (imported)]

HRT trials are relatively harmless. I'm in month 26 and just want to make sure this HRT thing is for me.... lol.

2 years isn't a trial anymore. After this period of time your natural endocrine system will be irreversibly.