Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

As to your delivery worries - It is unlikely to nearly impossible that the shipment is lost, it is sent Registered Mail which needs to be signed for and accounted for each time it changes hands and is kept segregated from ordinary mail. The hold ups happen at point of origin (Vanuatu) due to limited air service or at customs which has a persistent backlog in clearing parcels. --FLO--

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

You're not stupid cheetaking feelings don't come under the header of smart/stupid. If she knows you are on the hormones and blockers already, and if you TRUST her enough to let her know that, I'm guessing you can trust her with being honest. You can tell her why you're afraid to be fem around her. If she's a caring person, I think she'll understand. Then again, I've found in my life I am able to tell women things I'd never consider mentioning to my male friends. I will say if she is feeling needy you can still be there for HER in the meantime until you are ready to share your fem self openly with her.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

As to your delivery worries - It is unlikely to nearly impossible that the shipment is lost, it is sent Registered Mail which needs to be signed for and accounted for each time it changes hands and is kept segregated from ordinary mail. The hold ups happen at point of origin (Vanuatu) due to limited air service or at customs which has a persistent backlog in clearing parcels. --FLO--

I thought it was the sorting facility in NY that was the big delay factor in getting shipments from InHouse? At least that was my experience with them.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

You can force begrudging tolerance but acceptance has to really come from other people Wolf-Pup. Give it time Cheetaking. The advice everyone gives me and I never listen to

I was just trying to say that cheetaking shouldn't push her away when SHE is needy. Friendship is a two-way street and you have to give as well as take for it to be a strong one.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I thought it was the sorting facility in NY that was the big delay factor in getting shipments from InHouse? At least that was my experience with them.

The N.Y. facility is the customs house for small parcels. --FLO--

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

EIGHTEEN:

Well, as of today it has now officially been exactly 2 weeks since I started on estrogen, and 2 and a half weeks on chem castration. And finally today, I got to make my official 2-week update video! So since I spent all day yesterday whining about my own emotional problems, today let's focus on the physical changes! Because today I once again have an actual physical comparison to look back on, my week 1 and week 0 videos, so now I can actually compare side-to-side, and see EXACTLY what is looking different rather than just speculating. (It's actually really hard to see the differences on a day-to-day basis now...)

And may I say, WOW!!! What a difference two weeks makes. Watching those introduction videos that I made back on January 8th, now it's actually kind of hard to look at. God, I HATE the way that I look in them. Everything looks so big, and so grossly out-of-proportion, that it makes me say "ugh" out loud. Huge chin, huge midsection, absolutely TERRIBLE massive forehead and eyebrows, rectangular and triangular shapes all over, grossly huge fatty upper arms, the list goes on. I can barely watch those videos because of how much I hate the way that I look. And although there were a few minor changes in my week 1 video (I had only been on estrogen for 4 days at that point,) the only real change was mental... I was SO much happier in that video. Smiling more, laughing more, cracking more jokes, much more positive and upbeat. But as far as physical changes, pretty much nothing to speak of.

But this week two video... oh, God, the changes are simply AMAZING!!! Here's the list of things that I saw:

1. My midsection has REALLY pinched in. In both of the first two videos, there was a very round shape to my lower midsection, while now it is actually starting to look like the beginnings of a figure. I definitively have a waist now, and the parts right under my bust have REALLY shrunk, to the point that they actually look almost normal instead of grossly out-of-proportion. Also, the 40B bra that I bought a long time ago now actually fits comfortably instead of digging into my back. This is a HUGE plus. I ALWAYS hated the fattiness in my midsection, especially on my back, and it really made me look grossly masculine. That is definitely changing now.

2. The fatty parts of my chin have really shrunk. In my intro video, my chin just looked grossly out-of-proportion with the rest of my face, and there was a lot of fat there, while now it has noticeably slimmed, and actually looks reasonably balanced with my nose and my eyes now. The bottom of my face isn't so blocky anymore, it's getting more triangular in shape.

3. My eyebrows have REALLY lifted up. I definitely was not expecting this, but it's 100% true. My eyebrows in my intro video were massive and muscular, and just seemed to bury my eyes under themselves. While now, they have both lifted up a LOT. The muscles in the middle section between the brows has relaxed, making me look much less like I'm constantly scowling or upset, the midbrow has lifted up to form more of an arch shape

rather than being flat, and the

ends of the brows have lifted up too. This just makes my eyes look SO much more open, and has again helped to balance out my face so that the focus is not on the chin and the brow, now it's on the midface where my eyes and nose and cheeks are. And I LOVE everything about this change.

4. My cheek area, especially the parts just below my cheekbones, have gotten rounder and smoother. Looking at my cheeks from an angled view in the intro video, there was kind of like a square shape there, where there was like a gap between my cheek bones and the top of my smile. But now, the same side view shows a very smooth curve there, where the cheek bone blends in to a full cheek that keeps arcing gracefully down until it reaches the top of my smile. It looks SO much better! As a result, my entire face looks a whole lot brighter when I smile.

5. My skin has definitely feminized. In the intro video, and the week 1 video, my skin still looked very masculine. But now it looks a bit lighter in both color and tone, and the muscles underneath now show up much less underneath it, which makes everything look a bit smoother and creamier.

6. My nipples have definitely gotten MUCH bigger. I noticed the conical shape starting, but I hadn't really noticed any change in diameter before, where now I definitely was able to see a big change in diameter when I compared today's video to the others. They're at least 20%-30% bigger when compared to the previous 2 videos.

7. My upper arms have definitely shrunk. In the "pre" video, and the week 1 video, I really hated the way that my upper arms looked. And although I am still a LONG way from being satisfied with how they look (they are pretty much the primary thing keeping me from looking feminine right now when I'm in feminine clothes,) they have certainly gotten much better-looking than the huge fatty bulky monstrosities that I started out with.

8. My hips look just a smidgen bigger,especially around the bottom of the sides of my stomach area. This was not a very big change, so maybe they only look that way because of all the weight I am losing off of my midsection, but my hips and butt definitely look a bit more pronounced now. My measurements there haven't changed there all that much, (just like 0.25 inches,) so it could just be the contrast, but hey, it definitely looks better.

One other big change was that my presentation of myself, including the way I talk and the way I gesture, has REALLY changed as well. In the "pre" videos, there was a sense of heaviness and weight to everything that I did, and it was really obvious that I was embarrassed by my own body. You could tell that I was desperate for a change with every single body part that I pointed out. In the week 1 video, I was really upbeat and positive, but there was still that "heaviness" to my motions. But when I did the video today, my presentation of myself, by comparison, seemed as light as a feather! I smiled so much more, and my tone of voice was much softer, and I giggled a lot, and my motions were smoother, and everything about the way that I moved and talked felt lighter, more of a "sweet" personality rather than an excited one or a tough one. And perhaps most important of all, for the first time I looked confident. I was actually happy about showing things off, and not so embarrassed or scared anymore. (Needless to say, I REALLY like this! I actually have enjoyed re-watching the clothes trial video that I did earlier today, because I think some of the little unconscious gestures that I did were actually kind of cute.)

So, yeah, seeing the physical progress of feminization always puts me in an amazing mood. So I felt great all day today, and more convicted than ever that I want this feminization to be permanent. I'm liking myself more and more with every single day, and gaining more confidence with every single day. I spent almost the entire day walking around the house in a skirt, smiling with just about every passing second, and I probably spent a good hour of time posing in front of the mirror in varying intervals, because I liked the way that I looked and felt in it so much.

So YAY! This was a great day! (And by the way, the discussion that I had here yesterday about the relationship issue helped me IMMENSELY. Now that I knew where my anger was coming from, I apologized to Jenny, and promised her that I would include her in all aspects of my life instead of shoving her away when I was feeling feminine. So now I have complete permission to work on my female voice and dress in a skirt even when she's around. And it feels much better, and we were right back to being best friends again.)

-Here's to a happy future! Everything's looking up again, and I can't wait for the feminization to continue! (sigh... how many more months until I can pass?)

And now, to finish out this entry, here's a picture of me officially wearing a skirt for the first time. (No makeup or hair or anything, though, and just a very casual skirt with a t-shirt, so this is by no means an attempt at an official "girl mode" yet, but I just liked the way that it looked.)

http://i45.tinypic.com/20f51ko.jpg

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Don't feel stupid...TALK to her...Give her a kiss...smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

NINETEEN:

So, it has been quite a while since I've had any significant emotional changes or mental progression to report. But today I noticed something really big. So here goes. This is quite an interesting one.

Today while I was at work, I was randomly studying a lot of the female employees because I wanted to learn more about certain things like how they walked, and just what made a leg look feminine, and whatnot. And all of a sudden, I realized something: I was studying them like an academic. There was pretty much no emotional reaction whatsoever. The kind of emotional reaction that I'm talking about, is the kind that's tied with adult sexuality. When you see feminine beauty as a heterosexual adult, there's such a happy and pleasurable reaction. You don't just see beautiful hair or beautiful eyes, it absolutely inspires you, making you feel like writing poetry about shimmering golden wheat fields and the deepest pools of crystal blue water, and your heart feels like it's enveloped in a beautiful soft cloud. The beauty doesn't just make you stop and think "wow, she's beautiful," her looks are so pleasurable that they make you glad to be alive, and want to thank her for making the world a more beautiful place just by existing. Well, as of today, I noticed that I could NOT feel that kind of feeling anymore. Toward either gender. I just didn't have an emotional reaction to the way that anyone looked anymore. The whole of that adult sexual feeling, where the beauty that you are seeing really affects you emotionally, has now pretty much gone away completely.

If you ask me, this is REALLY cool! I legitimately feel like I'm twelve years old again, back before I understood what sex was. There was a "magic moment" that I had when I was about fourteen years old, where all of a sudden I "got it." Suddenly, for the first time, I felt that sense of pleasure from looking at girls, and I finally understood why men seemed so obsessed with women, and were always ogling over their beauty. At the time, I had never felt such a pleasure in my entire life. It felt like the whole world was opening up before me. And now for the first time in 13 years or more, that natural pleasure-reaction to seeing women everywhere was no longer there. It's actually really funny. It's like seeing gender from the eyes of a child again. I no longer see gender segregated in terms of the "beautiful gender that I love looking at" and "the other guys," I just see people. Gender seems much more incidental now. I notice women's breasts, and men's muscles, and women's vaginas, and men's penises, but none of those things really has any sort of emotional impact on me anymore... I still notice the differences, and the differences still fascinate me, but there's just no emotional reaction to any of them whatsoever. They don't inspire me. They're just kind of there.

You know, this is genuinely the first time during this entire trial that I actually feel like I've lost something. Because although I've always hated the physical aspects of having an adult sex-drive, that perception of female beauty is indeed a big pleasure. It fills you with happiness when you see a pretty girl, and her smile just makes you feel so good inside. And now that pleasure is gone. It is indeed a bit of a sacrifice to go back to a more childlike state of existence in this regard. You REALLY get used to getting pleasure from looking at the gender you're attracted to, so it really does feel weird when that happiness no longer exists anymore. It's a trade-off. Beauty is a BIG pleasure. It fills your whole being with light and inspiration, and just makes you feel great all over. While in a more childlike state of pleasure, the things that make you happy aren't as big, but there's a lot more of them. You start noticing the little details in everything around you, and feeling inspired by those things, instead of the "big" emotional reactions from beauty. And your default state of existence becomes happier. You look forward to things more, and simple little pleasures like food and music and singing and humor become WAY more meaningful. Personally, I absolutely love it. THIS is where I have always been my happiest... just appreciating all of the little details in life. And when I gained the immense pleasure that comes from attraction, I also lost the constant little pleasures that made me happy all the time as a kid. And now for the first time again, all of those little pleasures are coming back to me again. And my default emotional state just feels happy because it feels like there are so many things in this world that I love exploring, and I find them all fascinating. For example, yesterday night I watched an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it wasn't even the funniest one I've seen, and yet I laughed through the ENTIRE episode, uproariously. I haven't gotten that much pleasure from laughing since I first watched "Homeward Bound" as a kid. It's that same kind of giggly laughter where it just makes you feel happy all over, and nothing else mattered. And today at work, I still felt giggly. I came dangerously close to cracking up right in the middle of one of my poker tables because I was still remembering quotes from the episode last night. I used to do this ALL THE TIME as a kid. I ALWAYS randomly cracked up out of nowhere because I kept remembering funny lines from movies, and the simplest little jokes got me cracking up. And now for the first time since childhood, that feeling is back.

So, now I really must say that it's official, after 2 weeks and 4 days on androcur and finasteride, I am now finally officially confident that my testosterone levels have dropped by a significant amount. Because again, I recognize this feeling, and I haven't felt it since I was about twelve years old, right as puberty was just beginning to start. There were some sexual thoughts maybe starting to appear, but I really didn't "get it" yet. And I still totally obsessed over stuff and found the simplest little things to be hilarious. Plus I had a REALLY strong hot-flash today, which hadn't happened for several days now, so once again hormone levels are definitely on the decline.

And because I now finally have confidence that my T levels are dropping, I can now say for 100% certain that my transsexual feelings have NOTHING to do with my sex drive whatsoever. Because while I was completely unable to feel any sort of emotional pleasure from looking at women, the pleasure that I got from looking in the mirror at myself, and seeing all of the feminizing that's taking place, was just as amazing as ever. I smiled so brightly when I looked and actually LIKED my face, and imagined myself in full girl-mode with a wig and clothes and everything. And now I know for sure, this pleasure of seeing myself as feminine is a completely different pleasure than what was related to my attraction to women sexually. Because while one has now gone away almost completely with my hormones, the other has only gotten stronger and stronger. Because I didn't really develop significant transsexual thoughts until about age 13, it had always been tied up with my natural attraction toward girls and my adult sex drive. But now for the first time in 14 years, the sex drive is gone, and as such I have finally had a chance to see if the two are connected or separate. And now I know for sure that they are completely separate. Even when I don't have a natural happy reaction to real women's faces, I still feel unfathomably happy when I look in the mirror and see my own face becoming more feminine. Even when I really don't feel happy when I look at women's curves, I still feel unfathomably happy looking in the mirror and seeing ME actually starting to get a figure.

So, yeah. I feel AWESOME right now.

(And yes, this new state of existence is a trade-off. In order to gain this childlike state of wonderment, you lose something that is VERY enjoyable. And as such, for the first time in this log, I am going to throw out a word of caution to everyone: this is NOT for everyone. The question is, how much do you count on your sex drive to bring you happiness? What times in your life make you feel the most emotionally fulfilled? If those moments involve sex, involve the pleasure that you get from imagining love, from looking at beauty, and from romantic moments, than maybe a chem-castration regiment is NOT for you. You've been warned. Because those thoughts are almost all completely dependent on adult hormone levels. And when they finally start to drop significantly, suddenly that huge source of emotional pleasure, the thing that many feel gives their entire life purpose, will suddenly be gone. And it's quite a shock when it's suddenly gone. It's actually kind of hard to remember how you used to live life before you really emotionally understood the significance of sex. It leaves a gaping hole there. And I can tell that this kind of gaping hole could lead MANY people into terrible depression, where it suddenly feels like their life has no purpose anymore. I myself, however, REALLY loved life when I was still a kid. And I've been missing that kind of sensation for years. So for me, feeling more pleasure from all of the little things in life is a BIG net positive, something that more than offsets the loss of the immense pleasure from adult sexuality. Such that I'm actually feeling MUCH happier now, much more able to enjoy life. But again, I was NEVER comfortable as an adult. My sexual thoughts, although pleasurable,

always felt like a foreign invader

to me. So I am MORE than happy to finally be rid of them, and back in a more childlike state of existence. I have missed this feeling SO much for the last decade and a half. But again, this is NOT for everyone. Be forewarned, there is serious potential for depression at stake here. So before anyone else decides to do this, make sure that you're willing to give up your adult sexuality COMPLETELY. Because chances are, it will not survive, and all of the pleasure that comes with it will be gone too. So ask yourself, where will you find happiness in life without it? If you don't know the answer, reconsider even trying it. Because once it's gone, it will also take a LONG time to come back, because the drugs do not wear off quickly. It could be weeks or even months before that pleasure returns.)

Needless to say, this was a VERY cool day, and I legitimately feel like I'm 12 years old again. Really cool, and reinforced my decision to remain on chem-castration forever. Plus EVERY single aspect of the feminization that's happening is still making me feel like a million bucks. This is the most AMAZING thing I have ever done in my entire life!!! Why didn't I try it sooner?

-Here's to lots of love, lots of childlike play and wonderment, and a lifetime ahead of enjoying the simple pleasures in life!

(Side Note 1: I am now officially in total freak-out mode over HRT shipment #2. It is STILL not here, the tracking information STILL just says "origin post is preparing to dispatch," and the first of my last 2 estrogen patches is due to come off tomorrow, with the other only 2 days behind. The clock has run out, so it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to be without estrogen for a few days while I'm waiting for the new shipment. I don't know what's taking so long, but I'm really scared about it. Maybe it's because I chose for the package to be with the signature-required tracking method? The first two I just had sent no-tracking no-signature, and they both arrived within 12 days. So in my panic tonight, I actually ordered another shipment, this time once again unregistered, to ensure that I'll at least get something within the next 2 weeks. As of this evening, I have exactly 12 pills of androcur left. So now that my T levels are definitely dropping fast, I'm thinking of cutting my dosage of androcur temporarily from 100 mg/day to 50 mg/day so that I can make the rest of this first batch last another 12 days (guaranteeing that I won't run out by the time one of the new shipments gets here,) rather than sticking with the full dose, which is only 6 days' worth, and risk going 6 days or more with no T-blockers whatsoever if the new shipment doesn't arrive promptly. I REALLY do not want to go back off of t-blockers. EVER. As much as I wish I didn't have to, I can live without estrogen for a while. But the thought of getting T back in any degree, and experiencing that sexual frustration and masculinity and "dull grey drear" state of mind again, is simply out of the question. I NEVER want to feel that way again, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep the T levels low.)

(Side Note 2: On a more positive note, I received notification from the Amphigory wig store that they officially shipped my package this morning. So that means that within the next 2-3 days, I will finally officially be able to have a "girl mode," complete with clothes, hair and all. [I'll post pictures, of course...] I'm REALLY excited about that. And with my face becoming increasingly feminine, I really feel like I'm going to look really feminine with the wigs on. Here's hoping!!!)

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Its probably better to order at least a 90 days supply at a time. Especially if you are sure you plan to continue. Its more economical pricing, and you don't have to worry about running out all the time. Plus you can re-order say at 2 months to ensure a buffer.

Interesting about the woman thing...I remember even pre-puberty being affected by beautiful women. At least female faces that were beautiful with long hair. Just always something mesmerizing about a beautiful face to me.

Good luck on the shipments.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

The real problem is just that it took me a whole 2 weeks to figure out how to get the estrogen patches to stay on. This was originally only a one-month trial, so I didn't order a second-month's supply until a few days after I went on E for the first time and was finally sure that I wanted to continue. At the time, I thought that I had all the time in the world because I still had at least 3 weeks left before I ran out of supplies. But then I burned through my entire supply of estrogen, which was supposed to last for a whole month, in only 2 weeks, because the patches kept falling off after only 3 or 4 days instead of lasting a whole week. So that's where the problem happened. And it meant that any delivery delay and I was screwed. Well, now I've got a delivery delay, and now I'm SOL for the next few days. Now that I'm planning on sticking with it, though, I will indeed be ordering much more at a time.

Also, sadly, I'm already feeling the effects this morning. Patch #1 out of these final two has now officially been on for a whole week, which means that it is out of E, and patch #2 is at the end of its life, having been on for 5 days now, so I'm pretty much getting no E at all right now. And already, I don't feel as feminine as usual. It's a real bummer after a whole week of this amazing new normal where I was just constantly feeling extremely feminine.

Interesting about the woman thing...I remember even pre-puberty being affected by beautiful women. At least female faces that were beautiful with long hair. Just always something mesmerizing about a beautiful face to me.

And I do still enjoy seeing these things. But it's in the same way that I used to as a kid... I can recognize beauty, and I do enjoy it, but it just doesn't have the same amazingly-happy and poetically-inspired feeling that I've gotten used to having as an adult. It feels more like a logical "yup, that's a pretty girl over there, and she looks nice," rather than an "OMG, she's beautiful!" where just looking at her makes me feel happy all over, and I can't look away.

[plix (imported)]

I've been following this thread for some time, and I would like to say how excited I am for you! It is nice to see that so far the journey you are undertaking has made you so happy. I would like to offer my best wishes as you continue. I hope that everything the future brings makes you just as happy!

I know that you are taking E on your own, and I wanted to point out that it may be easier than you think to get E from a doctor. I think others have mentioned this as well, but I just wanted to say that from my experience it does not have to be an endocrinologist, and it does not have to be an official clinic designed for this purpose. Back when I was taking E, I found numerous primary care physicians willing to prescribe E to me just by my going in and asking for it. No letter from a therapist required. Many doctors are not aware of this requirement, and even if they are, not all believe it is necessary. The cost of labwork was a concern for me as well, but I have found doctors who are understanding when you explain your financial circumstances and will work with you on labwork.

That being said, I can understanding taking E on your own, as I did it for a long time myself. I think that if you are young and healthy, there is probably not much to worry about in the way of serious health problems resulting from taking E as long as you are taking normal dosages (but of course I am not a medical professional, so I wouldn't take that seriously).

You have already experienced a taste of one of the bigger consequences of taking E on your own. Your supply of E could disappear at any time. You are dependent on a company in another country to deliver it to you. I ordered from this same company when I took E on my own, and the average delivery time was 7-10 days. It never took longer than two weeks. If something happens to your order, you go without E. Fortunately you no longer have to worry about customs seizing your order (at least that was still the case last time I checked), but other things can happen. One thing I used to noticed with Inhouse is that they would sometimes discontinue products out of nowhere. You could go to place your order one day and see a message saying the product has been discontinued (I believe it said something along those lines).

If you were getting E prescribed by a doctor, you would have far fewer worries about supply issues!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY:

You know

, I really don't have much to say today.

Other than that this day was absolutely INCREDIBLE. I know I've talked about how amazing it is to look in the mirror and actually like what I see, but I really don't feel like I've captured the full scope of it yet. So here goes:

Today, when I was looking in the mirror before work, I REALLY started to love what I was seeing. My skin tone is evening out all over, and my whole body looks smoother and more shapely, less muscular, more contoured, and I'm shrinking like there's no tomorrow in the waist area. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say that my body is starting to almost look more androgynous than masculine. It's almost looking like I'm a boy who never went through puberty. And for the first time in FIFTEEN YEARS, I actually LIKE what I see in the mirror again! Oh, God, I have not had this kind of a sense of self, a sense that "yes, this is me, and I like who I am," for my ENTIRE adult life. And now it's here again!!! I just can't believe it. Every day I am liking the way that I look more and more. With every single step of feminization, for the first time ever I'm feeling like my body is starting to match my mind again. After FIFTEEN YEARS of hating the way that I looked, and feeling completely powerless and hopeless to do anything about it, and being able to see absolutely NO hope of this ever getting better, suddenly everything has changed.

I'm actually starting to like the way that I look,

and I feel like there's nothing but wonderful things ahead, and I'm filled with so much hope and brightness as I'm looking into the future that it's unfathomable. FIFTEEN YEARS of hating the way that I was aging and changing, FIFTEEN YEARS of being hopeless, and now suddenly it's FINALLY going in a direction that I absolutely love, and FINALLY I am no longer powerlessly trapped in a body I hate! YAY!!! OMIGOD, SO MUCH YAY!!!!

So can you imagine what it's like to feel that kind of a feeling? It's like being released from an absolute prison. For the first time in my ENTIRE adult life, I'm no longer trapped inside of a body that I hate. For the first time since I was TWELVE years old, I can look at parts of my own body in the mirror and actually smile. God. It's just the single most AMAZING feeling ever!

I was feeling that all day. I don't think I've EVER been in as good of a mood as I was today. I was just unfathomably happy, constantly smiling, constantly feeling like there was such a brightness in my soul that I couldn't even contain it. That is what my day was like. AMAZING!!! And these feelings are only getting better and better with every single day, and every single step of feminization.

Aside from that, the only real change of emotional state that I feel the need to say something about today is that for some reason over the last 3 days or so, suddenly comedy is having more of an impact on me. I did love to laugh as a guy, but this... this just takes it to a whole other level. Today at my poker tables, there were a couple of absolute characters, the type who are always cracking jokes and always finding amusing things to say and do to get people to smile. And I have NEVER smiled so brightly in my entire life. For some reason, anything funny has had this kind of effect on me over the last few days. It's not just that I laugh and smile, it feels like a bomb of happiness explodes inside of me every single time I laugh. The pleasure that I get from laughing now is just unfathomable. I break out giggling and laughing like a little school girl, and feel so happy inside. And that happiness doesn't fade away, it just stays there for minutes on end making me smile and smile and smile, and I keep having to stop myself from cracking up all over again because I keep finding little things that are so funny to me, and keep remembering the joke that just happened, and I can't seem to stop feeling happy. Watching MST3K two nights ago was like this for two straight hours, and I still kept cracking up the day afterward. Today after I made a joke where I called someone's book a "non-electronic e-reader," I was giggling to myself for a good 15 minutes straight afterward. Laughter has NEVER made me feel this happy before.

So in general, today was such an unfathomably happy day that I'm once again genuinely starting to wonder how I ever survived before I started HRT. It really does feel like I'm actually living life for the first time in fifteen years. How the hell did I put up with this hatred of my own body, and how the hell did I ever feel happy without this hyper-happiness that I've been getting from fun things ever since I started E? It really does feel like I was living a life that was completely

emotionally brain-dead for my entire adult life, and a life that was

just barely alive, and was slogging through each day not as a joy but rather as an unending obstacle. Good God, this is the most AMAZING thing that I have ever done in my entire life. I'm actually HAPPY!!! And not just fake temporary happiness that only hides the internal pain, but actual HAPPINESS!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm going to quit before I give myself a heart-attack from too much happiness. But I'm serious. Every single word that I have said here tonight is EXACTLY what I was feeling today. I was so happy that I almost cried on multiple occasions.

-Peace, love, and HAPPINESS!!!

♪ ＼(*⌒∇⌒)／

(Side note: HRT shipment #2 still hasn't arrived yet, but when I'm in this kind of a mood, who gives a damn? A feeling this amazing is well worth waiting for, so I'll be more than willing to put up with a few days of mediocrity as long as I know I have such amazing feelings to look forward to again once they finally do arrive.)

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY
[/quot

e]
TWENTY:

You know

, I really don't have much to say today.

Other than that this day was absolutely INCREDIBLE. I know I've talked about how amazing it is

to look in the mirror and actually like what I see, but I really don't feel like I've captured the full scope of it yet.

Lord help us when you DO have a lot to say

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Lord help us when you DO have a lot to say

Well, seeing as how my average daily entry length so far is 1494 words... and this one was only a mere 1078 words... :p

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Wow! Cheetaking, you are one cool cat!

I have read through the first two pages of your thread just now and really enjoyed it. I don't know why I haven't bothered to read any until now - just male, sleep for 10 hours laziness I guess lol - as it's such wonderful reading. Not just your journey, but your writing. I very much like your way with words.

I like your "side notes", your "warnings" about long posts (you can quit with that I think, we expect it now hehe), your whole "Carrie" mood thing (was never much of a Sex In The City fan, but know who you're referring to), and you use "yay!" "woo hoo!" and "kind of".

Yay!!!!

I loved your descriptions of the simple activities that happened to occur during your newfound happiest life moment. Using words like "foodgasm" is extremely smirk-inducing. You tell EVERYTHING like it is, for you, at that precise moment. I love that.

When you said so matter of factly that you were

refreshing your browser every

five minutes I laughed aloud alot in great happiness. Not at you. It's just that truth can be funny, and most certainly refreshing.

Have you always written like this, or more so since you have become happy? You seem to have rarely been happy during the first twenty seven years of your life.

Side Note: I am not sure if it is possible to be 100% happy; I mean as in happy all the time, so please don't have this as some sort of expectation. I think that we should aspire to more happiness than sadness most definitely, and to have those happy moments be of a higher level of happiness, but permanent happiness is probably something to be drempt rather than realised. Besides, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness if we never had any sadness, would we?

I will stick up for your 'little' ramblings too. Us ramblers got to stick together

Oh, and you are going from sex to six (hours sleep)

Did I mention that I liked you saying yay?! Keep saying it!

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

You said earlier that you saw high school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

And reading some of page 3, you are NOT a coward. Many people will be offended and angry (all illogically) at what you want to do and are doing. I would be VERY scared.

Maybe we can create an estrogen pipe and all smoke that.

Peace

[foxytaur (imported)]

You said earlier that you saw high school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

And reading some of page 3, you are NOT a coward. Many people will be offended and angry (all illogically) at what you want to do and are doing. I would be VERY scared.

Maybe we can create an estrogen pipe and all smoke that.

Peace

Many girls I know I went to highschool with were pretty ditzy, dimwitted and fell for the douchebag charm of asshole men luring them into their hyper macho bullshit trap.

I guess a "trap" can go 3 ways.

Men ----> watch out for the manipulative snakes out there(the one's who'd be capable of poisioning you in your sleep if the relationship really bites the dust.(I saw a documentary a few yrs ago and death by poison,usually cyanide or some duiretic med seems to be the preffered method of assasination females take to rid of their hubby's but wow you'd have to be really cold like malifacent from sleeping beauty. I'm living with my mom who i best metaphorically compare her to cinderellas stepmother:()

Females-----> You know what to do if you hubby cheats on you. Males cringe at the thought of a Lorena Bobbbit scenario

Trans folk-----> I think one's pretty obvious, know your partner before being honest about your origins. I tend to find females or males on the very end of the binary spectrum to be unsympathetic to our cause.(My assumption, not always the case kk) Its why I joined a very open furry subculture that really doesnt give a shit about standards .

In any case when my it's my time to transition im moving to ontario, LBGT scene is huge there

If you guys have other predicament "trap" scenarios, plz share them hehe

NB = Im having a laugh K guys, in no way am I being serious ^ ^

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

your whole "Carrie" mood thing (was never much of a Sex In The City fan, but know who you're referring to)

EWW!!!! NO!!! That is totally NOT what I was talking about! I HATE the character of Carrie Bradshaw. (If you ask me, she's completely self-righteous, stuck-up, entitled, spoiled rotten, and a number of other titles that I'd rather not repeat on this board.) [apologies to Sex & the City fans... no offense to you personally, but I really personally can't stand the character.] The "Carrie mood" that I'm talking about is actually based on what I consider to be my alternate female persona. She's been around since high school or so, and is basically just how I imagine I'd ideally want to feel if I were a girl... happy, bubbly, silly, spontaneous, and really taking joy in life. And the name "Carrie" just comes from being a female version of my own name, "Charlie," that I like. I really don't like the other typical female versions of Charlie like "Cheryl" and "Carly" and "Charlotte" and the like... so it's just because I like the name. It has nothing to do with a certain star of a popular HBO show, or with a certain girl who goes on a mass telekinetic killing spree in a 1976 movie. I'm honestly not a fan of either, and REALLY not looking forward to having people compare me to those two if I really do go for a full gender transition and adopt that name.

Side Note: I am not sure if it is possible to be 100% happy; I mean as in happy all the time, so please don't have this as some sort of expectation. I think that we should aspire to more happiness than sadness most definitely, and to have those happy moments be of a higher level of happiness, but permanent happiness is probably something to be drempt rather than realised. Besides, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness if we never had any sadness, would we?

Well, I'm definitely not 100% happy all the time. Even in the context of this trial. I have had several days where I've just felt like crap, and life's worries have gotten the better of me, and I've gotten into these self-defeating mindsets where I'm just constantly stewing over how it's impossible, and getting bogged down by various life issues. And I know this is always going to happen, no matter what gender I am, so yeah, it's not a big deal. The big change has been that my default state of existence is now happiness instead of melancholy. I'm able to appreciate the happy moments in life MUCH more than I used to, and i

t feels like a 2-ton boulder has been lifted off

of me, so that I can finally feel free, and finally feel like I actually like myself. Those things were completely missing from my life before, and I really wasn't happy

as a default state, I was just slogging through life day by day and trying to put up with it. So no, I am not 100% happy all the time, but my default state has indeed become much happier.

You said earlier that you saw hi

gh school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

I stick behind what I said. I'm serious. At school dances, and at pep rallies, and every single time I saw a group of girls together, they ALWAYS looked like they were having more fun than the guys, who were constantly acting "too cool for this." The girls smiled more, their body gestures were happier, (like running up to their friends and giving them hugs instead of just the stupid dude greeting of "hey...." "hey...") and in general they just seemed to be getting more out of life, enjoying the joyful moments much more. Their friendships were closer, they just seemed more alert and awake, and I saw this with almost EVERY girl in my entire high school. No, I do not believe that they themselves are consciously aware of this, though. Because when your default state of existence is happier, you don't notice that it's happier because you've never known any other default state, and as such your baseline of comparison is much different. But I have indeed always noticed this. (And there is scientific research to back this up... female brains naturally have higher serotonin levels than male brains, and there is actually a "happiness gene," the MAOA gene, which helps the brain process pleasure chemicals, that is found in both males and females, but only has an effect in women.) So yes, I really do believe that, given the exact same life circumstances to work with, women are happier than men. (Again, given the EXACT same life circumstances... there are a TON of reports of maternal depression because of all the stress that mothers are constantly under because they have to manage both their career and their kids with pretty much no breaks whatsoever.) And I do also definitely believe that women have lower lows than men do. I've seen this ALL over the place as well. Women are more likely to get stuck in self-defeating mindsets where they're just constantly feeling like things are hopeless, and unlike men they can't just retreat into the "cave" and ignore the thing that's bothering them, it just sticks with them and their brain won't shut up. I've seen this with SO many girls in my life, where things just seem to get to them more, and they blame themselves, and they start suddenly worrying about every little thing that could possibly go wrong, no matter how ridiculous, and it snowballs out of control until they are feeling completely depressed. Men really don't get this, they tend to respond to pain and stress with anger, or avoidance. (Also, women are under a lot more social pressure to be perfect, and to make everyone around them happy, so that adds to the feminine depression thing, but again, I'm mainly talki

ng about them getting more out of the happy moments in life.)

Have you always written like this, or more so since you have become happy? You seem to have rarely

been happy during the first twenty seven years of your life.

Don't get me wrong, I did have moments where I was really happy during the rest of the 15 years of my adult life, but I was never HAPPY!!! Beneath the happiness back then, there was always this lingering sense of not liking myself, and just feeling like I was missing something. While now I can feel happy plus have all of that weight lifted off of me, so it really does feel like I'm experiencing true happiness for the first time. And yes, my writing style has gotten MUCH more bubbly and open and honest since I started this trial. It's an extension of my femininity. I noticed this whenever I went onto internet chat rooms as a girl, that suddenly this new personality seemed to come out of me... one that was bubbly, and excited, and liked using cute emoticons, and not afraid to have a LOT of emotional displays to reflect how I was feeling on the inside. It always came out of me whenever I was feeling feminine. And it is this exact mood, this exact style of writing, that I call the "Carrie mood." Because although it was always down there, and always made me feel good and feel "right" inside, it only ever came out of me when I was logged onto the internet under the alias of Carrie. So now that I'm finally embracing my femininity here, that mood and that writing style are once again coming to the forefront. (And actually becoming a part of my REAL life!!! YAY!!!)

Oh, yes, and thank you very much for your very kind words. It's amazing to know that even when I'm going on 3-page rants about the changes that are happening, and all of the stupid little details that I really have no business reporting on this forum, that someone out there actually is indeed reading them, and doesn't think that they're just pointless ramblings.

Thanks!

(Man, this ended up being a long reply... but like I said earlier, I never know when to shut up. :p)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-ONE:

Well, I have a couple of quick things to talk about today.

First of all, I had another of those unfathomably-happy moments today, where I just felt so overwhelmed with happiness inside of me that I felt like crying. And it happened for a new reason today, so let's talk about it!

For the last 5 days or so, I have been consistently reporting about how happy my slightly-feminized face is making me... how I feel like my smile is brighter, and I look more awake and alert and open rather than in constant-scowl mode. Well today this facial difference led me to start noticing something else... all of a sudden, people are starting to treat me differently. More random people are saying "hi" to me. People are actually looking at me and smiling rather than immediately turning their heads away and pretending they didn't notice me. People are cracking more jokes around me. People are TALKING to me. And I just can't believe it!!!

For some perspective, one of the things that I've always HATED about being a big guy is that I always looked like a tough guy... I looked stoic, and I look like I didn't want to be bothered, and a bunch of people always came up to me and said "at least look a little happy" while I had what I thought was just a very neutral expression on my face. And this caused me so much personal agony. This appearance was about as counter to my personality as you can possibly imagine. Because I'm not tough, and I'm not stoic, and I don't want to just be left alone. I want to be cute, and I want to make people laugh, and I want to be nice, and I have always loathed the fact that my face in real life didn't reflect this, and that people always assumed things about me that were so far from true that they could never possibly imagine.

But now it's st

arting to change!!! (here's my d

aily requirement of "YAY!!!") For the first time since I was about 12 or 13 years old, I'm starting to look cute again! My eyes are open! I have a cute smile again! I actually look approachable, and people are FINALLY starting to crack jokes around me again, and talk to me again, and say "hi" when they walk by, and treat me like a nice person instead of a stoic emotionally-brain-dead one. I have been wishing for this for so long, and now it's finally starting to turn in the direction that I've wanted it to for so long. I feel like a human being again. And I finally feel like people are treating me in a way that is starting to match my internal personality. Realizing these things was such a moment of absolute hope and joy for me, I had a hard time containing myself. I once again almost broke out crying, tears of complete and utter happiness, several times while I was at work today. And I NEVER felt this kind of feeling before. And yet as the feminization is happening more and more, it's becoming more and more common. I LOVE my new self so much...

And yet, now we arrive at the second thing for the day, which unfortunately gave me a heavy dose of reality.

My wigs arrived today. And fo

r the past few days, I had been

getting really excited about them, building up a lot of grandiose ideas in my head about how maybe my face was getting feminine enough that the only thing stopping me from having an official "girl mode" was a beautiful head of hair... and I was so excited about the prospect of maybe being able to pass already, maybe that once they arrived I'd look good enough to go out in public as a girl. Well, they came today. And what a fool I was.

It's really easy to see the feminine features in my face when I have a masculine haircut. The masculinity of my haircut means that the parts of my face which are indeed feminine are the ones that are highlighted. Because compared to the average guy, I definitely look a bit more feminine in the face now. But suddenly when I tried on a feminine hairdo, the femininity of the hair had the exact opposite effect... now what was highlighted in my face was all of the masculine features. My nose seemed to stick out way more, and my eyebrows looked like absolute triangles. And my shoulders looked so grossly out-of-proportion. To say the least, I didn't look even remotely feminine. I just looked like a guy in a wig. I looked like one of those rock-and-roll guys with long hair. So that brought me back down to earth REALLY quickly, and reminded me just how far I still have to go.

No, I'm not in a freak-out mode where I'm getting down on myself and feeling like "it's all been in vain" or something, but it definitely was a big bummer. It means that I likely still have months to go

before I'll really start looking feminine enough to

look good with long hair... sigh... so unfair. I want to look cute, damn it!!!

Anyway, that's all for today. I'm still really happy, but I'm also really bummed about the wig thing. Some day. Some day........

(Side note: still absolutely no word on the HRT shipment. So as of tonight, regrettably, I'm out of estrogen completely, and I'm going to have to cut my androcur dosage by 50% to make sure that it lasts long enough to wait out the shipment. Sigh... bummer, man...)

EDIT: Hmm, maybe I was a bit too down on myself about the wigs when I first tried them. They're starting to grow on me, and I was actually able to find a couple of hair configurations that made me look at least mildly feminine after playing around with them for a while. I'm actually shocked, a ponytail configuration that pretty much reveals my entire face, which goes against absolutely EVERY piece of advice that transgender support sites give, actually makes my face look more feminine than the typical cheek-covering-shoulder-length hair-with-wispy-bangs look that just about all of them advised. Well, this makes no freaking sense...

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

"I never know when to shut up."

Well that makes two of us

Rather on the whole Carrie thingy! But still, I like your response to it (even if hate is often too strong a negative word). And I think that you seem to be in Carrie most of the time in 2013, since you seem regularly, "

happy, bubbly, silly, spontaneous, and really taking joy in life

" - or at least this is how your writing in this thread comes across.

I understand what you mean by your default state of existence being happiness, whereas it wasn't before. I would say that for a lot of the past seven years my default state has been happiness, whereas before I guess it was sadness, but without realising it. I called it being in deathing mode, like being a zombie.

You make some good points about the happiness of girls that I hadn't thought about: like the greeting with a hug. Guys can't/don't do that, and I suppose that is a bit of a shame. So in this way they are definitely outwardly happier, but that doesn't always reflect on the inward emotion. Yet I was thinking this morning, that guys commit suicide a lot more than girls. I think that is correct? So that could be another topic to support your argument.

Their friendships are certainly closer in the sense that they can be each others confidants, which rarely happens with boys. But on the otherhand a friendship for a girl is more likely to end over a once off incident of negativity, whereas boys can be more willing to let bygones be bygones so to speak. But it can of course depend on the individual. Some girls are more like stereotypical boys, and vice versa.

That's amazing that this MAOA gene only has an effect on women, and contributes to happiness. Also, could men take serotonin to make them happier? I think it's interesting what has happened with you too with the estrogen patches. Do you think that increasing estrogen would naturally increase a mans happiness, or have you just felt happier because you know that you are becoming more of the real you?

It's intersting what you say about a woman's life being more of a happiness-sadness see-saw than a mans. And I thought mine was bad enough sometimes!

"and liked using cute emoticons" - Yay!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

That's amazing that this MAOA gene only has an effect on women, and contributes to happiness. Also, could men take serotonin to make them happier? Do you think that increasing estrogen would naturally increase a mans happiness, or have you just felt happier because you know that you are becoming more of the real you?

No, I do not believe that taking estrogen would make every single guy happier, nor necessarily would taking serotonin for that matter. Because a big portion of how effective serotonin is, depends on how the brain is able to process it. The MAOA gene allows the brain to process more serotonin, while the male brain cannot process it as quickly because this MAOA gene (and a bunch of others that still have yet to be studied... this is REALLY new research,) is not active, and as such the male brain tends to stockpile extra serotonin rather than being able to go through it as quickly. This slower burn leads the body to feel less pleasure from things, because the level of pleasure hormones that can be processed at a time is much less. (Side note: not everyone has the MAOA gene, by the way. It it tied to the X chromosome, and only about 36% of X-chromosomes have it. So as such, only about 59% of women and 36% of men have this gene at all. (And a lucky 13% of women have two... and that group was reported to be IMMENSELY happier than everyone else,) while the 41% of women that don't have any copies of this gene reported WAY higher levels of depression and anxiety.) So, yeah. There are a number of different factors that might bring about shifts in happiness, with this "happiness gene" being only one of them.

Now, from my personal experience, SOMETHING in my brain clicked when it went on estrogen for the first time. And no, it had nothing to do with the mood that I was in, it was definitely a chemical response. All of a sudden, things that I had always found pleasurable, like music and food and comedy, suddenly just felt absolutely AMAZING!!! As in, although they still tasted and sounded exactly the same as before, suddenly there was just a greater pleasure response to them in my brain. And I did not experience this until the estrogen kicked in. So SOMETHING about estrogen suddenly made my brain able to process greater amounts of pleasure chemicals rather than stockpiling them and processing them slowly like my male brain always did. I don't know what. Maybe it was the MAOA gene being activated by estrogen for the first time, maybe it was some other thing that hasn't been discovered yet that is activated by estrogen, I don't know. There have been scientific studies, completely separate from the MAOA thing, that have shown that estrogen increases the brain's ability to bind with serotonin, and increases serotonin receptors. But I do suspect that this is very much a "your mileage may vary" thing, due to the vastly different collection of genes that people around the world have. For me, though, something definitely clicked on that very first night that I was on estrogen... I don't know what it is. All I know, is that I had NEVER experienced that degree of pleasure before in my entire life, even during what I previously thought were my absolute happiest moments. And this unfathomable emotional high was only from two stupid little everyday things... listening to music and eating dinner. So yeah, something definitely clicked that night once the estrogen was added to the mix, which increased my ability to feel pleasure.

Also, another reason why I don't think taking estrogen would make every guy happier, is that, like it or not, eventually it will turn you into a woman. And there are some transsexual hormone experts who actually don't even prescribe anti-androgens for their patients because eventually the estrogen begins to take over all by itself, and shuts out the body's natural ability to make and process testosterone. So eventually, all of the effects of anti-androgens and the full range of transsexual hormones begin to manifest themselves when a male takes estrogen... boobs, feminine body shapes, body hair reduction, skin texture changes, fat redistribution, eventual sterility, and libido reduction. So there is no way that every guy would be happier taking estrogen. I myself want all of these changes, and as such they are making me happy as they're slowly starting to appear. But these same changes would not make most guys happy, they would make them absolutely miserable. You want to talk about gender dysphoria? I felt it as a guy, and now this is the first time that it's starting to really get better. Wheras for a normal guy, it would rip them apart. Suddenly they would be experiencing gender dysphoria for the first time, and it would destroy a lot of people. Everything that they knew about themselves, and everything that they like about themselves, would suddenly start changing. Sure maybe they would feel happier for a week or so, but then they'd possibly be miserable for the rest of their lives as the feminization started.

[foxytaur (imported)]

low spiro or none at all (doubtful) is a goal for myself + low estrogen or medium end estrogen.

Im fearful of those blood clots if anything else actually that I keep reading mtf have when on very high estrogen doses.

I dont think testosterone completely shuts down but they def do get reduced to very very low levels. The only way out cheetaking is a castration

NB = The spiro contains very high potasium levels and am aware that it serves as a duiretic.

Well, Goodbye Avocados and bananas hehe.....Or I'll have to seldomly eat them now.

There are definetly foods im gonna have to give up, im still researching which ones to avoid

NB = Ended up taking Zinc supplements(20mg) and they are known to increase male libido cuz thats their function however today it decresed it and smoothed out some pores I had on my face....just weird.

The only thing im avoiding are the simple carbs entirely, very strict about it and saturated fatsfound in red meats and pork. It is well known that saturated cholesterol + simple sugar carbs increase T.

The way I see it. All other vitamins assist in either E or T. But the saturated fats and simple carbs are the worst primarily controlling T production

Most body builders take them to rapidly raise their T while weightlifting.

And muscle growth aka heavy muscularity isnt possible without red meat and animmal saturated fat.

I do exercise but very very seldomly(due to cellular senescense but I do do it 2 or 3 times weekly for 45-50 only, I aint lazy btw just dont need a high caloric intake). Prefering instead to eat less as do the french.(i try but its a very hard goal bc you dont want to go anorexic)

The supplements I take are crucial for remnant nutrients often neglected by the body when eating foods.

And im very moderate about taking them(i follow the labels)

I have 2 more supplemnts I want to try out a tad bit laters. Ubiquonol and tocotrienols.(X6 times more powerful than vitamin E ^ ^)

Im doing all I can cheetaking to slow down my biological clock to get best results for E.

Its an obsession everyday to conserve energy like a sloth though i pinkyswear to prevent my obsession to age less from getting the best of me. That is from going insane -----> demented

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-TWO:

All right, everyone, what time is it? Time for a big WOO HOO!!! Because today is my official 3-week anniversary since starting this trial. Time to do a little celebration dance! Yay!!! ┗（.^∇^)┓♪♪

Sadly, it also a bit of a bittersweet anniversary, because shipment #2 of HRT STILL has not arrived, and there has still been no update whatsoever from the postal service tracking system. So unfortunately, as of today, I'm officially completely out of estrogen. I've had both of the final batch of patches on for the full week now, and as such it's likely that I'm pretty much getting no more E in my system anymore. And it might be several more days, possibly up to another whole week, before one of the two shipments arrive and I can get back toward the path of feminization. Big bummer, but oh well.

I've been thinking, perhaps this delay was set up by divine influence... as a way to say "all right, now you're going to be off of estrogen for a few days. This is the time that you really need to stop and think about whether you really do want to continue or not."

I really do feel like I'm at a big turning point. Up until now, all of the feminizing effects have been minor. Very slight facial changes. Slight body-proportion changes. Slight breast budding. Enough to give me a taste of what is to come if I stay on estrogen. But about two days ago, I got a big physical sign that things are about to get serious... my breasts started feeling sore. As in, not like a constant lingering pain or anything, but a feeling of tenderness. I can't really press on them anymore without it hurting. There's kind of this "perpetual bruise" kind of feeling where there's a definite soreness whenever I touch them. And to accompany this, there has been a definite increase in nipple size. So that means things are about to get serious. And also, a few days ago, I stumbled onto the following video from a transitioning person who decided to stop HRT because things went a bit too far, and she started feeling like she was just happy being more androgynous, and that maybe becoming a woman completely wasn't for her. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQajITdNiQ) [side note: she picked it back up later, so it ended up being a temporary stoppage only, but it did still get me thinking.]

So that's what I've been thinking about today. I really stopped to think, knowing that the next HRT shipment contains MUCH more supplies than the first... enough for a full 3 months. So if I do go on it, I'm pretty much committing myself to a degree of feminization that would go above and beyond anything that's happening now. There would likely be several irreversible changes that will never go away even if I decide to go back to being a guy. So let's be honest, it's a really big moment that I'm facing here. I feel like now is the time to decide. I didn't really press this decision on myself, though, I rather figured that I'd just take it easy, be calm for a while, and see how I felt about it after just going about a normal day of activities and not really worrying about it.

The first thing that started to really give me a sense of direction was when I randomly stumbled upon a news story about Lana Wachowski (formerly Larry Wachowski, co-director of the Matrix film series.) I was a big fan of that film series back in college, and watched pretty much every single minute of the DVD commentary, so I'm quite familiar with the way that Larry Wachowski used to talk and act. And you know, he was a bit of a shy guy back in the day. There was something about his mannerisms that were very familiar to me... they were a bit reserved, a bit introverted and held back, in a way that made it evident that he wasn't completely comfortable. And then I started looking at pictures of him post-transition, officially embracing his female identity as Lana, and God, what a difference. She looked happy, open, smiling and giving hugs to people, and confident. Man, did this ever hit home for me. I've been feeling exactly the same way over the last few days... like there's just something about me that's really not "alive" when I'm in boy mode... something reserved, something uncomfortable. And I REALLY recognize the free-expression feminine mood, where all of this happiness and comfort and sense of self comes out of you that you just don't have in you otherwise. I recognize that same feeling every single time I start feeling feminine. It feels like I'm finally able to be myself.

And that brings us to the other thing that really convinced me. Let's talk about clothing, and let's talk about my new wigs. Yesterday, I tried the wigs on, and I was a bit disappointed that they didn't make me look feminine enough. But they have REALLY grown on me over the last day. Today I pretty much had them on for the entire day. And let's be honest, no, they really do not look that great. Mainly because my upper body is still so masculine that the shoulder and arm shape really offset any kind of femininity that the wigs provide. By all means of physical appearance, I should hate the wigs. And yet, strangely, I have found that I don't. I LOVE them. It's not about the way that I look in them, it's about the way that I FEEL in them. Something about having long, radiant hair just feels SO right! It feels like this is the hair that I was meant to have from day one. There's just something about it coming down in my face when I bend over, and something about brushing it back, and running my hands through it, and pushing it around all over the place to try and make myself look better, that feels so absolutely amazing. The same can be said for the rest of my feminine clothes. I really do not look good in them yet. But they just FEEL so right! When I'm wearing my wig, and dressing in feminine clothes, I feel such a sense of inner happiness, and such a sense of correctness, that this is what it should have been like for my entire life, that it's like an absolute revelation.

Lots of transsexuals report that they don't really consider cross-dressing as actual cross-dressing, because they feel like those are the clothes that they should be wearing in the first place. I almost NEVER cross-dressed before this, because I was always too scared of the judgmental glances of others, and of being caught, so I pretty much never did it. But let me tell you, tonight I finally know EXACTLY what they are talking about. After a whole day of being in a wig and a feminine t-shirt, Jenny came home and I dressed back in my so-called "normal" clothes so that I could go shopping. And... God... dressing back in those clothes just felt SO wrong. Putting on normal baggy guy-jeans felt completely wrong. It felt like I should be wearing the feminine jeans that hug my butt and thighs. And taking the wig off, and going back to just having short hair again, God, it actually felt weird. It felt like I wasn't myself anymore. So now that I have finally cross-dressed

for the first time in my life

for an extended period, I know exactly what other transsexuals say about it. It really doesn't feel like cross-dressing. It feels like those are the clothes that I should be wearing all the time, and that hair is the hair that I should have all the time. And shockingly, tonight for the first time I didn't feel cowardly about doing girly things around Jenny. Once I was back from the store, I ended up putting the wig right back on. And I still have it on. It just feels so "right" to me, and I love the way it looks even though it doesn't really make me look feminine. But again, there's just this FEEL to the whole thing, something that feels so right about it. And I suspect that I am going to spend a LONG time wearing this wig from now on.

The last thing that really got me thinking today, was when I stepped in front of the mirror and really started looking at myself, asking myself whether I really did like all of the feminization. And that didn't take long to answer. EVERY part of myself that I still don't like is the masculine parts. My big upper body, mainly my back, chest, and shoulders, are my biggest opponent right now. I still HATE them, and they are what's keeping me from looking feminine in every single feminine outfit that I have tried. And every single part of myself that I like the most... my legs, my hands, my newly-budding boobies, and the increasingly-feminine contour of my waist and hips, are the parts that are the most feminine. And when I was really thinking about it, after looking at post-transition girls like Lana Wachowski, and TONS of Youtube videos, I really do want to look like them. And the whole wig thing, where even though I don't look good but I FEEL so good, has now really convinced me that I was meant to be a girl. I really feel like that's the case. And unlike before, I really don't care about how I look anymore. That's just a bonus. What matters is how I feel... that I finally feel like I'm being myself, and that I finally have a sense that I am actually happy with myself, and enjoying the self that I present to the world. THAT is what matters. It's not about just looking like a girl, it's about BEING a girl. And it's worth fighting for. Yes, I do want boobs. Yes, I do want smooth skin. Yes, I do want feminine shoulders and arms and legs and want my entire body to look as if it is that of a girl. That is what would finally make me comfortable, and finally make me feel like I'm myself.

So that's my update. I have stopped to seriously consider whether I am or am not going to go for it all once the shipment of HRT supplies arrived, and now I'm more convinced than ever that this is a permanent change. As of now, the plan is definitely to continue with the treatment until my body is completely 100% female.

So that's it. I still feel absolutely AMAZING, despite the lack of estrogen. It will come in due time, and I eagerly await all of the permanent changes that will be coming with it.

-With lots of love and hope and excitement looking ahead!

[foxytaur (imported)]

blue pill - wake up in your bed and return to your normal T self.

red pill - you see how far the rabbit hole goes with E

Take the red pill cheetaking, You know it's calling you tehelaugh:

I noticed the person detransitioning in youtube link didnt really give it much thought on a genderqueer identity. Again the bias to either be fully male or female but the inbetween region is something that still needs more documentation in WPATH.

dunno but I still think(my opinion) that this person is still struggling with an identity even though a decision has been made to stay male. This is my opinion though.

My only downside cheetaking is my mom. I know she'll try to coherse me into staying male or forget being my child.

sorry but that manipulative threat ain't gonna work. "You've made me live with fear for the past 8 yrs. And im through with it. Oh yeah also go ahead and jump straight in front of a bus. You'll probably make it to the darwin awards"

---------> This is what ive foreshadowed telling my mom. She has threatened to kill herself before and you know aperson wanting to do that bc she wants to save face from her family back home isnt a very strong person.

dunno but the const bickering with her aint worth it.

Family wise I really dont have much except my furry friends and you know I think that'll have to suffice. It hurts but well im strong enough to know that there are things in life you cant change.

Im learning to simply move foward, people can be quite adaptive despite the continous shit thats thrown at them. The key is to find a way to break from that series of shithole events.

The continual foreshadowing is a pessimistic view I ingrain myself in my head to try and do what I can to salvage from my life so I can at least enjoy whatever youthful remainder yrs are left as a pretty lady.

A lotof planning goes into what I want to do, it's just finding a way to execute them saftely without landing with too many bruises so to speak

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

That is rather incredible that just certain percentages of people - and not necessarily males or females - have this MAOAO gene, and it's just like a luck of the draw thing. Can only women have two of them? My guess is that I would have one.

I wonder if it could be a good thing that we find out WHICH 41% of women have none of them? Because then perhaps we could treat them with anti-depressant drugs, or other things that might help. I would prefer to no about a problem in my life like that then be unknowing, because then at least you might have the opportunity to do something about it. It seems horrible to me that so many people will go through life just being highly depressed, without having any understanding of why, or being given any opportunity to do something about it.

Your experiences with estrogen are wonderfully positive, and maybe it can make more men happier than we realise? Perhaps in small doses? Like with me, I've always considered myself to have feminine sides, but I've never desired to have the female body in any way (though my skin is pretty naturally smooth and soft for a guy), so I wouldn't be too keen on suddenly sprouting breasts and big hips! But taken in moderation it possibly wouldn't have major physical effects, but perhaps still give this extra happiness...depending on your mileage.

I wouldn't care about losing the body hair though