Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Carrie...It's only been a month since you started HRT...Give it a chance...You look great..Don't be so obsessed with how you look...You have naturally feminine, soft features, which , I'm sure, will be enhanced over time...Just enjoy your newly budding state....Let it happen..It will...smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

At some point, a lot of transwomen get tired of using androcur or realize that the effects of estrogen can be amplified if the testicles are removed. I am not sure if you've arrived at this place, but eventually you'll need to make a decision about this. Blocking testosterone seems to only go so far, to improve the feminine results you seek, you'll have to remove your testicles which are fighting your efforts. It's therefore important to connect with a compassionate transgender trained psychologist who will be able to help you get the surgery you need to fully blossom into the woman you were meant to be.

Yeah... that decision will be coming soon. I'm not quite ready to make it yet, because I'm still just one month into HRT, so I do want to test my convictions a little more first. Castration just feels like a HUGE step, and a HUGE potential sacrifice to make. I mean, I'm only twenty-seven years old, (and still a virgin for crying out loud.) And having a "happy family" was my life-long dream until just a month ago. So I have a LOT to lose from potentially doing that. And I don't think I'm ready to make that decision yet, even though I really don't conceivably see any possible way that I'm ever going to be able to go off of the hormones and back to my life the way it was, just being a normal guy constantly living in "dull gray drear" mode every day, and back to having a male sex-drive. So I don't know. I do want to, and again, I was actually feeling like even if I didn't gender-transition that I'd still want to be rid of the little boys down there, but I just need more time first. It's a big decision for me to make. Unlike the hormones, which I can still change my mind about if I really want to, surgical castration is permanent. Once I do it, there's no going back, no second-guessing allowed. So I want to make sure that I'm COMPLETELY sure about it first. And I don't feel like a month is long enough yet. (Hell, my T levels probably still aren't even done dropping yet.) I need to give it more time, and more thought.

(Besides, haven't you seen the "If you give a trann a hormone" webcomic? The orchiectomy part doesn't come until after the laser hair removal, female clothes, and adopting a female identity part. :p (http://transgirldiaries.com/?p=2457))

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Actually taking the estrogen alone will shut down the testicles after a while. So while the AA is needed/useful at the start, eventually once the boys are shut down you are taking it for nothing.

[foxytaur (imported)]

doubtful high E levels shutdown T to completion but it will drop it to low numbers. Cheetaking is right, castration is the only way to rid of the T entirely.

Hormones will screw over sperm production. I see many Tgirls shoot nothing but blanks and semen production varies but is clear like liquid water. I think semen or vaginal discharge has more to do with nutritional deficiencies intoherwords vitamin and mineral deficiencies in body. A lack of it will make it impossible to produce semen anyways.

Cheetaking Hormones will screw over sperm forever if youve taken them for a long time. I'd start sperm banking but that in itself is a very hefty price. It costs lots to store sperm anyways. dunno but in a email I sent you earlier i sent you my reasons as to why i wouldnt care being sterile.

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NB = I guess Im not really cut out for biological kids

When Im ready I think i'll opt for adoption, I can't change things in this evil world but the least I can do is do small things to make it a better place. dunno maybe join a big brothers and big sisters or adopt 1 or 2 children. This earth is too heavily populated and it's becoming harder to strive to make ends meet. The more population = more competition where theres finite resources. In a sick twisted way it really is a survival of the fittest world seting we live in. Im ok with you guys counterarguing my beliefs.

At the rate things are going human expansionism is only set to rise further and with technology I hypothesize well be able to live longer well into our 200's. This of course will have repurcussions of which the only solution I can see we'll end up having to devote our resources into space exploration. Nasa has already found potential planets for life sustainability.

Thats right folks. Time to migrate again.

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quote from Jay and silent bob from "Clerks 2"

Jay : I'll be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy or find a new alien life form

"And fuck it!":D

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY TWO:

Good God... this day absolutely SUCKED!!! What a miserable, miserable, miserable day from start to finish.

As of this morning, I am REALLY

starting to feel the effects of the

hormones kicking in fu

ll-force. I really believe that I am

now getting very close to normal female levels of T and E. I could feel it in my head. As soon as I woke up this morning, my feelings of gender dysphoria were just completely off-the-charts, to an extreme degree that I had absolutely never even come close to experiencing before. Not only was I repulsed by my appearance in "boy mode," now I was even repulsed by my appearance in "girl mode." I tried putting the wig on so that I could spend the morning in "girl mode," but God, not even that gave me any sort of happiness, only a feeling of complete depression because for some reason I didn't look ANYTHING like a girl to myself, unlike how it had been before. Basically, I had to stay away from mirrors all day, lest I depress myself.

By the time mid-day rolled around, I was still just feeling completely depressed. My mental gender identity, the me that I felt like I should be, was more feminine than it has EVER been. Usually there's maybe a few things about my still-physically-male self that actively annoy me, but today EVERYTHING about it annoyed me and made me feel completely depressed and feel like this whole thing was hopeless.

And you know how I said yesterday that whenever I saw another girl I just got completely depressed, going into a lot of self-defeating mindsets where I was whining things like "I'll never be a real girl like her" and whatnot? Well today it was even WORSE, if you can believe that. Not only did I get depressed every time that I saw a woman, I got depressed every single time I saw a MAN too. Because every single physical feature that I saw on them, if it was anything that I recognized about myself, that too sent me into a terrible spiraling feeling of depression, whining "WHY do I have to be stuck with that stupid appearance? That stupid thick neck, and those stupid shoulders, and those stupid bushy eyebrows? ARGH!!!" And that was just looking at men... when I looked at women, I just completely felt like crying. Every time I saw a set of breasts, every time I saw a curvacious "girl butt" and hips and waist, I just felt like shriveling up into the corner, covering myself with a black blanket and crying in a fetal position. It's SO unfair... Sigh...

Then to cap off a great day, my supervisor kept me at work an hour and a half late without asking me. I had done a pretty good job of keeping the off-and-on back pain at bay all day, and was only just starting to feel it by the time my 8 hours were up. But unfortunately, as soon as I sat back down for what I thought was my last table of the day, it started. If I had just gone home right then like I was supposed to, everything would have been fine. But then I got held for an extra hour and a half against my will, and the pain escalated and escalated until my back was absolutely killing me. So it was a terrible ending to a terrible day, filled with both constant emotional misery and then eventual physical misery to cap it all off.

In other news, one of the reasons that I suspect that I'm starting to approach normal female levels of hormones is because almost all of the changes I'm experiencing are really starting to accelerate now. They've been slowly creeping in over the last month as my T levels were slowly dropping and E was slowly rising, but now they've just taken off. I shaved my legs and arms last night, and it was UNBELIEVABLE how smooth they were. (Jenny actually said "that's not fair, your legs look even better than mine now!" while I was sitting with my legs crossed this morning. [tough luck, girl. Get used to it. :p]) Also, my sex-drive has officially hit rock-bottom. Last night, I did try to reach orgasm, after really getting in the mood from the whole "almost reaching nocturnal orgasms twice" thing, and I didn't even come close. I maybe got about half-erect at most, and by the time I finally got there I just didn't care anymore, and just wanted to relax instead of bothering with it. And finally, breast growth has REALLY started back up now. My nipples are REALLY starting to get tender, to the point that it's getting uncomfortable to even touch them now. Plus suddenly the changes in my measurments have REALLY accelerated as well. (I'll post updated numbers tomorrow.) So this combined with my ultra-feminine sense of self today, has really made me believe that my hormone levels are finally reaching female levels, just over a month after starting.

You know, after how much today sucked, (and how much just about EVERY single day of work seems to suck recently,) I'm seriously considering that I might change my mind about waiting to transition. Is it really worth waiting if I constantly have to be this miserable about my physical reality? Is it really worth being so frustrated living in "boy mode" and feeling like my physical self doesn't match my true gender identity every single day? Is it really worth being so depressed every single time I see another person, either because I'm stuck like them or don't have what they have yet? You know, I'm really starting to wonder. That's where most of this depression is coming from, is just because my gender identity has flown off the charts to the female side all of a sudden, and yet I'm still stuck living in "boy mode." So I'm really wondering, is it really worth waiting? Is it really worth waiting until I can pass, and be fully accepted as a girl? Is it really worth waiting MONTHS for more physical feminization so that I'll look more like a girl when I'm in "girl mode?" Is it really worth waiting until I have the voice absolutely perfectly? Is it? I really do think I would be MUCH happier if I just transitioned now, got it out of the way, and started living in a state of existence that actually matches my internal gender identity, even if it's blatantly obvious that I'm a transseuxal and not just a normal girl? I really want some honest opinions on this.

You know, yet again, this feels eerily like a scene from "My Life As A Girl." I just never knew how chillingly accurate that story would end up being once I finally did actually have to face a decision about gender identity. In the story, I'm constantly stuffing my shorts with a sock. And even though it annoys the hell out of me at every single instant, and I just want the damned thing gone, I never have the courage to just get rid of it because I'm too afraid of what others will think if they see my shorts resting directly against my flat pubis. And now, in real life, it's a similar situation. On the one hand, living as a guy is causing me constant depression, constant misery, and makes every single day of work an absolute chore to suffer through. But on the other hand, if I do decide to transition before I'll pass, I'm pretty much scared stiff of officially being labeled as a transsexual guy, some weirdo that's trying to look like a girl even though it's obvious that he's not. So what the hell do I do? In my story, eventually the sock becomes so damned annoying that I finally decide that I don't care about the consequences, and take it out. But can I really do that in real life? Can I really out myself as transsexual, start living as a girl, and put up with the potential stares and judgment of others so that I myself can be happier with myself? This is a REALLY hard decision.

Anyway, that was my s***ty day. It sucked, I'm tired as hell right now, and yet feeling more feminine than EVER, and more sure that my future is as a girl than ever. (Remember how when I started this trial, one of the goals was to "find out" whether I was truly transsexual or not? Well, hell, I had NO FREAKING CLUE just how transsexual I am when I started. I never could have fathomed just how deeply my transsexualism is a part of my identity. But the deeper I'm going, the more and more I'm feeling like a girl, and the more I am completely REPULSED by the thought of ever being a guy again. The closer to being a girl in real life I'm getting, the more and more I'm realizing that my life was empty without it. I had NO IDEA how deeply these thoughts went. And on that day where I finally can pass as a natural-born female, that is the day where I will truly be myself for the first time EVER.)

Hopefully all of this whining hasn't made you all too depressed... sorry about that. :p Hopefully a good night's sleep, lots of rest for my aching back, and a healthy dose of girl-mode tomorrow will make me feel better again. (And the weird thing is, even though I felt REALLY depressed today, I STILL feel better than I did as a guy. My mind just feels so "right," in a way that it never did before. So to me, even depression in "girl mode" feels better than happiness in "boy mode." That's how deeply my transsexualism goes. Scary, huh?)

-Carrie

(Side note: I am feeling MUCH better now that I have vented all of these feelings. Maybe that really is all I need, is just to be able to be honest about this in real life too.)

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

(And the weird thing is, even though I felt REALLY depressed today, I STILL feel better than I did as a guy. My mind just feels so "right," in a way that it never did before. So to me, even depression in "girl mode" feels better than happiness in "boy mode." That's how deeply my transsexualism goes. Scary, huh?)

That's the part I think people struggle to deal with the most. Yes, life's shit, I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is feeling like the gender line has taken a massive detour around me so while things might be smoother without this I'm happier without people offering their "support" for my life problems while trying to ignore this.

And you know how I said yesterday that whenever I saw another girl I just got completely depressed, going into a lot of self-defeating mindsets where I was whining things like "I'll never be a real girl like her" and whatnot? Well today it was even WORSE, if you can believe that.

This does get worse I agree. Like I said I obsess over more than I used to. There's a girl at work they've recently employed who looks like a pencil with a bum and I just feel like pushing her down the stairs

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY THREE:

Today was certainly a very interesting day in regards to changes. This time, the change that has happened has pretty much shaken my entire sense of normality. My change this time was not in my body, it was actually in my head. Today I've discovered that the ways I respond to stress have suddenly changed, and the things which I find pleasurable have suddenly changed too.

So, basically, I woke up today still feeling completely crappy. I was tired, irritable, and just still feeling completely down on myself, unable to drum up any enthusiasm whatsoever for either the gender transition or even going into "girl mode" for the day. My feelings really were along the lines of "I don't care, just leave me alone." And this was the THIRD day in a row that I was feeling like this, so it was getting quite old, and I was getting genuinely worried that I was either developing depression, or that maybe I was wrong about the gender transition making me more happy. I didn't know. I spent all morning re-reading every single post that I've made since the very beginning of this thread, and actually feeling really bad as I got to all of the happy parts, because it was like "Man... I was SO happy, and so sure of my new identity EVERY single day before my stupid supply of estrogen ran out last week. Nothing has been the same since then, even though I'm back on it now." And it was just this terrible feeling where the misery just wouldn't go away no matter how much I tried to use my normal coping strategies of getting rest and relaxation. And I was also worried, because stresses from the previous day NEVER used to have this kind of long-lasting effect on my mood. Usually as soon as the day is over, and I go back home and can just chill, I almost instantly feel better, and it NEVER lasts until the next morning. But today it did. And not only that, this was still the EXACT same negative line of thoughts that started two days ago when I failed to make a convincing girl in my four-week update video. Negativity has NEVER impacted me this much, or made me feel this depressed before.

The odd thing is, this stress and depression didn't feel like the same kind of masculine stress and depression that I was used to, it really felt more like feminine stress and depression. It didn't feel like a "dull grey drear" mode where my stress and depression were manifested by feeling angry, annoyed, tense, and snappy. It was a more feminine kind of mopiness, if that makes sense, where I felt more whiny and complainy rather than upset. Not really angry at anything, just annoyed, kind of like a teenage girl. And when I realized that, that was when I suddenly realized... if this kind of depression was a more feminine kind of depression, maybe I needed feminine coping strategies to deal with it rather than masculine ones. Maybe rather than retreating into "the cave" and isolating myself, trying to relax until the bad feelings disappeared, maybe I needed to do what girls do... combat the negative feelings with positive ones. Do what Jenny does. Watch a silly comedy movie, or look at internet videos of cute animals, or eat serotonin-bo

osting foods. I did all of these. An

d wouldn't you know it, after three straight days of feeling like total crap, that quickly, I was right back to being happy. (You can thank THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiHXASgRTcA) video for doing that... OMIGOD, SO MUCH CUTENESS!!! They're so fluffy I'm gonna die!!!) Suddenly, out of nowhere, after immersing myself with laughter and cuteness for about 20 minutes, every single one of those self-defeating mopey thoughts just absolutely vanished... POOF! Into thin air! And then after that, I watched yet another one of those "before and after" female hormone videos, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p52kfhZa-Qs), suddenly for the first time in what felt like forever, I started feeling optimistic again, started feeling like yes, if I do stay on this regiment, I really will have a completely female body one day, and that it's actually something that's worth waiting for, rather than getting all whiny and complainy and down on myself. (Late-day addition: THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sretVbbdpGo) video is just completely awesome too! It's almost exactly what I've been feeling recently.)

So that was the first sign today that something REALLY major is changing. My very mind is changing. The way that I respond to stress has suddenly changed. As a guy, stress was just a minor annoyance. I could ignore it, go back home and relax, and everything would be fine if I just gave it time. Where as a girl, it does NOT leave you alone. If you let it, it will consume your life and reduce you to a crying lump in a fetal position feeling like the whole world is against you. To beat it, you can't just ignore it or shove it off to the side like guys can, you have to face it straight-on. Fight depression with happiness. Find something to get your mind off of your own problems and back on to happy things. And then, POOF! It will be gone. And this is a BIG change for me. I'm REALLY used to responding to stress with rest, relaxation, and ignoring it. I learned this from my dad. After a hard day of work, he always insisted on being left alone for at least an hour so that he could sunbathe and take a nap and chill, and he was right back to being normal after that. And I've always done that too. Whenever I'm feeling bad, I just go into my room and lock the door and enjoy some nice R&R, and I feel better. But now suddenly that doesn't work anymore. I was trying to do that for two days straight, but I woke up feeling just as crappy as when I went to bed. So this is something that I'm REALLY going to have to pay attention to. It requires a complete change in lifestyle, a complete rethinking of what is pleasurable to me and what is required to make me happy.

And while we're on the subject of what makes me happy now, there has been a big change in that too. One of my favorite ways to pass the time has always been to play Franchise Mode on Madden Football '05 for hours on end. Beating the CPU by ridiculous scores of like 102-0 was always so fun, and such an enjoyable way to just waste time. But today, for some reason, it did not give me ANY pleasure at all to play that game. There just wasn't that same feeling of accomplishment and enjoyment. Almost as soon as it started, strangely, it just felt different. I wasn't able to get into the game like I usually do. Suddenly, it just felt like a pointless game, where I was playing against "intelligence" that wasn't even real, and that the game just really didn't matter. It just seemed like a waste of time. (If someone had told me that I would EVER be speaking that way about a video game, I would have laughed them off the stage. I just can't believe that suddenly I'm feeling this way.) So somehow, the things which give me pleasure are now changing too. I'm getting less pleasure from certain things... from games, from gadgets, from competition where I can really get into the emotional highs of victory and the low-avoidance of defeat. And I'm getting MUCH greater pleasure from others... from cute things, and things that make me laugh, and things that make me smile. And this is SUCH a huge change, I can hardly fathom it. I'm so used to getting pleasure from certain activities, certain things, and now suddenly that pleasure-response that I always got just isn't there anymore. There's just not the same joy in them, even though it's the exact same activity. And again, this is going to require a complete change in my everyday life... I'm going to have to find new things that make me happy when I'm not doing anything, and new ways of dealing with stress when life gets tough. My very daily routine is now suddenly going to be different, and the things I look forward to are going to have to be different. I REALLY did not expect this. But suddenly, my mind just feels like it is rapidly changing into a female one.

And you know, I can feel this change happening also in ways that have nothing to do with my interests or my pleasures. I've noticed that suddenly I can multi-task better. As a guy, my biggest problem dealing at my poker tables was always being able to follow the action at the same time as other things were going on around the table. As soon as I took my eyes off the action in order to fix my chip rack or talk to a new player, I would COMPLETELY lose track of where the betting was. And even sometimes when I actually was paying attention, I still wouldn't notice that everyone had checked already, and was waiting on me. This was my biggest problem for MONTHS, all the way from when I started in September all the way until about last week. But suddenly, my brain is just working better when it comes to being able to keep up with the action. Yesterday, God, I just couldn't believe how well I was able to keep up. I was able to fix my tray, clock someone into the table, and STILL know exactly where the action was at the table. I was dictating the action almost perfectly all day, and hardly made a single mistake where everyone was waiting on me, while that used to happen MULTIPLE times at every single table. And it absolutely blew me away that I was suddenly able to do that. That ability just came absolutely out of nowhere.

After some research brought on by wondering about these changes, I've discovered that hormones can have a profound effect on the mind with time... that they feminize it too... that with time, the brains of transsexuals actually start having female proportions, and the thought patterns change to more feminine ones. And there are a LOT of case reports of people's interests suddenly changing like this. So although it definitely caught me off-guard, I must say, it's quite interesting. My mental gender identity has NEVER felt this feminine. So that's what's been going on. I'm definitely going to have some real adjusting to do, as I can only assume these feminine thought patterns are going to be showing up more and more over the next few months, but it's definitely exciting. I REALLY feel like a girl now. (And yes, I still absolutely love it, even though it's definitely different.)

Also, I think you will all be happy to know, "girl mode" is officially back. Today once I finally shook the depressed state that I was in by looking at Youtube videos of cute kittens, I was once again successfully able to feel excited about the upcoming changes, able to appreciate the degree to which I've already feminized physically, and I once again finally was able to feel extremely feminine with the wig on. In fact, if you ask me, it looks REALLY good now. My physical feminization has really accelerated in recent days, so now I'm once again feeling confident about going out into the "real world" as a girl. (Especially since I spent pretty much all night working on my voice.) I have a LOT to talk about in regard to the most recent updates on my physical changes, but since I spent so long talking about the mental changes today, I'll leave it at that for the night, and get into my physical updates tomorrow.

Good night, everyone, and God bless! Things are looking up again, it's like EVERYTHING is suddenly starting to change (for the better, I might add,) and I once again feel great! (here's another amusing "trans girl diary" webcomic on the topic: http://transgirldiaries.com/?p=120) Anyway, byee!!!

-Carrie

〈( ^.^)ノ ♪

(The moral of the story is, cute kittens solve everything!!! At least if you're a girl... :p)

(=ＴェＴ=)ω *meow!*

[butterflyjack (imported)]

It's nice to see you're happy again, Carrie..I was thinking that it takes a few days for the E to get back to full strength in your bloodstream...Perhaps that's what caused the problems...Smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Hmm... so I have become quite fascinated by this experience that I've been having with "male stress" and "female stress," so this morning I've been looking deeper into the whole matter, trying to see if there is some scientific research to back up my experience. And apparently it's true, there really is a chemical difference between male stress and female stress. When women are stressed, they release more of a chemical called oxytocin, a chemical which stimulates "nurturing" behavior. While men don't. So "female" stess can indeed be dealt with by doing things that are "nurturing" in nature... generally by talking to others and therefore "setting things back in order," but in my case it was looking at adorable baby animals. Wheras men do not produce oxytocin when they are stressed, and therefore they deal with it the same way as they deal with any stressor... the "fight or flight" response... in other words, running away from it.

So I wonder if that's what happening, that my brain chemistry is starting to change more to female levels, and therefore now I'm getting that same kind of oxytocin-based female stress where I need to combat it with nurturing behavior rather than with running away. I guess I can't know for sure, because unfortunately although there are MANY studies about the differences between men and women in regards to stress, (Here is the article that I found on the matter: http://women.webmd.com/features/stress-women-men-cope,) and there have been many articles suggesting that transsexual's brains begin behaving more like female brains after long enough on hormones, I could not find any studies to say definitively whether transsexuals also start to experience more female levels of stress hormones in the brain or not. And I could not find a single other post that spoke of someone else having this experience. (Whenever you do an internet search for anything to do with stress or brain chemistry for transsexuals, it's always more on the "diagnosis" side, talking about pre-transition stress and the differences in brain chemistry that exist naturally between transsexuals and cisgendered people.)

Anyway, just something else to chew on. This would be REALLY cool if it's true!

(I really am turning into a girl completely! In the body and in the mind! YAY!!! )

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY FOUR:

All right, so I know I originally promised everyone that today I'd write a lengthy post about all of the physical changes that have been happening, because I really feel like they've been accelerating recently. But I got distracted with doing further research on the whole brain-chemistry thing from this morning, and then after that got distracted by watching a TON of transgender videos on Youtube, of all the girls talking about HRT effects and talking about their transitions and talking about what finally led them to go for it in the first place, and what their old lives were like. And I just felt so AMAZING watching these, because so much of it resonated with me, and the way that they spoke about their lives post-transition was so inspiring. (Especially the end of THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sretVbbdpGo) one and THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=budykK4he-k) one. Six minutes into the first one, she talks about how she used to do the EXACT same thing that I did in school... staying up at night feeling miserable with myself, and just sitting around and looking at the girls in class and wasting so much time and energy and brain power wishing that I could be a female. And in the second one, she talks about how her life is exactly the same, just that now she's doing those things "as a girl." And that too just made me feel so happy inside, to really imagine myself doing the things I love as a girl... it just brought me so much joy. [side note: she's 6'2", the exact same height as me. That is AWESOME!!!]) Needless to say, I got wrapped up in it. I just had to see more and more and more. And before I knew it, it was 12:30, and I was absolutely beat, and ready to go to sleep.

So sorry, everyone, the big post is going to have to wait until tomorrow. It will be my day off, so I'll have all the time in the world to write, and I plan on it being a big one! So that will be coming tomorrow.

Tonight, I really have just been kind of letting that reality sink in... that it's really true. I really am going to be a girl. It's so amazing to just stop and think about this, and I practically have to pinch myself to remind me that it really is real. For so long, myself as a girl has just been this distant fantasy, this thing that I've just relegated myself to only being able to imagine it in my dreams, and feeling like I'll always want it but never get there. But now it's not true. It really is happening! In REAL life!!!! By this time next year, I really am actually going to have pretty much a completely femal

e body. Just... wow. How awesome i

s that? It brings me so much happiness just to think about it. [

quote="cheetaking243 (imported)"

time=1358819280]
For the first time in my life,
[/quote]
I won

't have to feel jealous every sin

gle time I look at a girl.

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)"

time=1358819280]
For the first time in my life,
[/quote]
I won't have to feel like crap because I can't wear the clothes that I want.

For the first time in my life,

I'll actually LIKE the way that I look in the mirror, and be comfortable with my gender. Just... God... can you imagine how amazing that is going to be?

So, yeah, that was what I was thinking about all day. I'll get back to the physical updates once I've had a good night's sleep.

I really am back to feeling absolutely amazing... so excited, SO happy that I'm doing this, and just filled with so much absolute happiness as I imagine what lies ahead in my future, I just can't believe it. And all of this despite the fact that work really sucked today physically. (OW!!! My back!!! [I really do need to see a doctor about that...] And OW!!! My boobs! [But that, I'm fine with! They're growing! YAY!!!]) But despite this physical pain, my brain just felt amazingly happy all day, and I couldn't stop smiling as I imagined my future as Carrie, my future as a daughter instead of a son, my future of actually being able to be my true self instead of just dreaming about it. It just makes me so happy, I want to cry...

Anyway, love you all! And see you tomorrow!

-Carrie

(^_−).。.:☆

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY FIVE:

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I once again promised the physical update entry tonight, but I completely forgot that I had my monthly meeting at the Cleveland Public Theater tonight, and I didn't remember it until almost 6:00 at night, and I spent the whole day getting myself acquainted over on the message boards of Susan's Place, so the timeframe that I was planning on writing the entry in never panned out. So again, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I PROMISE I will get it up tomorrow.

For tonight, I just have one more REALLY awesome mental thing to share.

While I was at the Cleveland Public Theater meeting (It's a meeting called "The Dark Room," where writers get to submit their in-progress plays and have them acted out in front of an audience to see whether they're working or not. I'm completely new to the group, but it's always so fun to watch that I always go with Jenny anyway.) And tonight while I was there, I noticed that something else AMAZING has happened in my mind. It happened during the intermission between the performances of the first four plays and the last four plays. I was waiting in line for the bathroom with a whole group of about 6 women that I had never really officially met before. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I noticed that I was actually taking part in their conversation. And it actually felt NATURAL!!! I was laughing along with them, and cracking jokes about the Ohio weather, and talking about the plays that we had seen so far, and about work, and it just absolutely blew my mind.

This might not sound like a big deal to any "normal" person. Social interactions happen naturally. Conversation happens naturally. Friendships happen naturally. For just about every single person on the face of the planet, this is true. But for some reason, this has never been true for me. Some time around the end of high school, suddenly I just found myself completely unable to talk to any group of people that I didn't know. At parties, I never seemed to be able to talk to anyone. I just slipped into the corner by myself, ate some food, and watched as the circles of happy friends around me talked without a care in the world, and I felt so alone and isolated, wanting to talk to people but just feeling like I didn't belong there, feeling nervous, and being completely unable to strike up a conversation. My conversations always ended in long strings of awkward silences where neither of us knew what to say anymore. I just haven't had ANY friends whatsoever for the last 8 years or so. All through college, I wasn't able to make friends in any of the club activities I went to, I never felt comfortable at parties or social gatherings, again because I just felt like an outsider and didn't know what to talk to anyone about, and pretty much my only social interaction was with Jenny, a very rare call to my old best friend Jon from high school, and with my mom over the phone. Honestly, I'm better friends with most of Jenny's friends than with my own so-called "friends."

So maybe now you can understand just how big of a deal this was for me. God... suddenly, out of the blue, I can talk to people again! I actually felt comfortable in a conversation with a bunch of people I didn't know! I felt camaraderie, and I enjoyed laughing with them, and I kept thinking of new things that I wanted to add to the conversation! I don't believe it!!! I'm actually going to have a social life again! My confidence is returning, and for the first time in EVER the possibility of having normal female friendship relationships actually looks like it's going to happen. Oh, God, you just don't know how much I've always wanted this, and how much it tore me up inside over the years that I was such a shy guy who felt completely lost in social situations.

This is just unfathomably amazing. For me, HRT really is changing absolutely everything. EVERY SINGLE ONE of my problems is just suddenly vanishing! With every single day that I'm on it, the more I'm realizing that almost EVERY SINGLE ONE of the problems that I have been plagued by for my entire life, problems that kept me up at night, problems that made me feel so miserable and alone, wondering "what's wrong with me?" really all came back to my feelings of gender dysphoria. I just never had confidence before, and never liked myself, and felt like so many things were wrong, and just didn't make sense. But now suddenly, out of the blue, just by finally getting the proper hormone

s in my head, EVERYTHING is changin

g. I truly did not realize just how deeply my transsexualism was interfering with my life in almost every single way, until I finally confronted it.

God, what a fool I've been. WHY didn't I do this years ago? I could have saved myself so much grief and pain. And now that all of these problems have just suddenly miraculously been fixed, it really is like I'm truly alive for the first time.

So that's my update for today. I seriously have NEVER felt better in my entire lifetime. I really am becoming the person that I was always meant to be. It really is like a dream come true. And honestly, it's even better than a dream. Because not even in my wildest dreams could I have imagined just how much HRT would change my life. I had just accepted that my shyness and my social issues were just a part of who I was. But they weren't!!! I just don't believe it!!!

Somebody pinch me! This is just

the most amazing thing ever, and

I can't believe it's really happening.

I just LOVE life right now.

That is all.

With love to everyone,

-Carrie

( ಥ‿ಥ)ゞ (the "so happy that I could cry" emoticon)

[foxytaur (imported)]

Carrie we all have to stop over-reacting, not that that's a bad thing XD, I have to stop with the health stuff but overreact I do cuz it makes me feel better in hopes it'll slow down my rate of aging and offer me good results when it's time to transition. hehe

I'm not telling you to stop LOL(don't) just I hope yer aware that your euphoria of finally being the girl you dreamed of becoming is causing a alarmed state of heightened emotions.

Granted this is a change from hrt but don't forget you were excited from the start.(think of hrt as an sound blaster amplifier)

What I'm trying to say is put your mind over hrt first.(I still don't believe hrt will control you as a person, it'll change you but not take over your mind. Inotherwords the mind is more powerful. Its why I don't believe libido is dictated only by hrt alone. Ex when your depressed naturally you won't be in the mood to stimulate yourself femalewise so to speak)

Its only cautionary advice from avoiding a placebo effect. Sometimes doctors offer placebo's to their patients sick with a mild cold, in hope to allow their natural immune system to do it's job.

NB = I hope I didn't offend you.^ ^

I agree with "ButterflyJack" , it's only been a month silly. Give it time P

[foxytaur (imported)]

That's the part I think people struggle to deal with the most. Yes, life's shit, I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is feeling like the gender line has taken a massive detour around me so while things might be smoother without this I'm happier without people offering their "support" for my life problems while trying to ignore this.

This does get worse I agree. Like I said I obsess over more than I used to. There's a girl at work they've recently employed who looks like a pencil with a bum and I just feel like pushing her down the stairs

That's mean Tiamat, pushing her down the stairs?!!!!

Is she rude, conceited , an asshole at least? XD

Then I can understand

I find anorexic females to be the worst when it comes to attitude issues.

Ugh....How in the world is the fashion industry filled with these grotesque zombies.

Yes, that's right zombies. Zombies are skinny to the bone with atrophied muscles.

Something you see in the Walking dead.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

That's mean Tiamat, pushing her down the stairs?!!!!

Is she rude, conceited , an asshole at least? XD

Then I can understand

I find anorexic females to be the worst when it comes to attitude issues.

Ugh....How in the world is the fashion industry filled with these grotesque zombies.

Yes, that's right zombies. Zombies are skinny to the bone with atrophied muscles.

Something you see in the Walking dead.

Kate Upton, 'nuff said!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY SIX:

All right, everyone, this is finally it, the big physical update that you've been waiting for.

This actually feels like a really weird entry to write. Because at the same time that the feminization has been accelerating at an alarming rate,

I've been feeling more and more

impatient, and wanting the changes to happen faster and faster, so oddly I really don't feel too excited about this acceleration anymore, because it's still just not fast enough for me. (I want to be a girl completely, damn it!!! I hate this constant waiting. It feels like watching paint dry. My mind REALLY has now settled into a female identity, and once again my gender dysphoria has shot through the roof, because now not even having a body with slowly-feminizing features feels like enough. I just want to be a girl and get it over with.)

Anyway, I digress. Let's just get into the actual changes.

Anyway, as I said, things have really been accelerating over the last week or so. I've been meaning to say this for many days now, but it really does feel like my body was just absolutely made for this. A lot of the changes that I've been experiencing over the last week or so, most people don't report happening until almost the 2-month mark. And I really have NOT been on estrogen for that long. I officially started taking Androcur and Finasteride 5 weeks ago at this point, , but I haven't been on estrogen for anywhere near close to that long. First of all, I didn't start taking it in the first place until 4 days into the chem-castration regiment, and second of all I was forced to take an entire week off from it due to my supply running out. So although I am on week 5 of this trial, I have really only been on estrogen for three-and-a-half weeks of that time. Let me repeat that... THREE AND A HALF WEEKS. And already I am noticing changes that most people don't report for almost TWO MONTHS. So for some reason, my body is just really taking to the stuff. It's almost like it had all of these receptors just sitting there, inactive, waiting, waiting for the right hormones to finally come into my body, before they just shot off like a complete rocket.

Anyway, let's get into the actual physical changes. I will just group them by category, and then explain what's been happening.

SKIN:

By far, the biggest change continues to be my skin texture. It started on the backs of my hands, and the backs of my legs, but now it has progressed to being all over my entire body. ALL of my skin has now softened. Everywhere that I touch, it feels so smooth and so soft and delicate, even the parts that are still prickly from razor stubble. Also, the color has lightened so that it's no longer as tan, and is creamier and whiter. And at just about every place, it is becoming more transparent. Like when my hands are cold, I can really see the blue color from the veins showing up. And when I get goosebumps, they just look HUGE compared to before because the skin is thinner and softer. Plus I have REALLY noticed this increased transparency on my face. When I'm really tired, the dark patches under my eyes show up a lot more. And when I first wake up, and the skin hasn't had a chance to relax and hydrate yet, I really look more tired. Plus when I'm embarrassed, my face actually starts turning red. (I got called out on this at work a few days ago. One of my coworkers actually pointed to me and said "look, he's blushing!" After someone had made an embarrassing joke.) And when I take my shirt off, my stomach is actually starting to resemble a girl's stomach in terms of color and smoothness. And all over, the "muscular" look that my skin had is just completely disappearing. Everything is starting to look softer and rounder and less defined. (And so that everyone can actually see this difference rather than just listening to me talk about it, HERE (http://oi47.tinypic.com/301it69.jpg) is the most recent picture of my face that I have, just taken tod

ay, which shows a HUGE skin dif

ference when compared to THIS (http://oi45.tinypic.com/154f0g7.jpg) picture which was taken on the very first day of this hormone trial.)

ORGASM:

Okay, I am actually glad that I waited longer than I originally planned to do this update, because until yesterday I didn't really have anything to report in the sexual-function department because I had barely touched myself in almost 2 weeks, let alone tried to reach orgasm. My sexual desire had pretty much dropped to complete zero. And the only time I did try it, I gave up after about 5 minutes. Well, yesterday I FINALLY made it to orgasm again. And it was absolutely AMAZING!!!!! It took me a LONG time, and a LOT more effort than usual to finally make it, but let me tell you, when I finally got there... OH MY GOD!!! Maybe people on chem-castration alone report that orgasms get weaker and weaker the deeper they get into it and the more their T levels drop, but I actually think that full female HRT has actually made mine even stronger. Those last 5-10 seconds right before I finally went over the edge, just WOW!!! It

was like an absolute explosion

of pleasure! I've only had ONE orgasm in my entire life that even comes close to comparing with this one. Usually it's just a short burst, enjoyable, but not very fulfilling, and it's really the calmness and lack of sexual desire that comes afterward that I find to be the enjoyable part. But not this time. Let me tell you, this one had me giggling like a little school girl. It was awesome! (Unfortunately, one of the problems with having softer skin is that it is MUCH easier to hurt yourself while you're doing this. About 30 seconds after the burst of pleasure started dissipating, immediately my pleasure turned to absolute pain, as I had rubbed pretty much the entire underside of my glans completely raw. OW!!!)

SEXUAL FUNCTION/DESIRE:

At this point, I am officially no longer producing sperm. After my orgasm, the liquid that came out was COMPLETELY clear. It was transparent and yellow rather than milky and white, and it just disintegrated as soon as it hit the water, rather than leaving little floating pockets of semi-solid material. (Pretty good confirmation that my hunch about my T levels finally bottoming out is indeed true.) And although I finally did make it to orgasm, let's be honest, my sex drive is still pretty much zero. Whenever I get the urge nowadays, it's usually just because I feel like doing something relaxing and pleasurable, not because I actually feel a need to do it. This is VERY liberating to me. I finally feel like I'm in control of it rather than it being in control of me. (And let's be honest, I'm still actually orgasming at the EXACT same rate as I always did... once every week or two. So I'm still doing it just as much as ever, but the difference is that now I'm doing it because I WANT to, not because I NEED to.) That emotional up-and-down that comes with the male sex drive, where you feel like crap when you haven't orgasmed in a while, and then feel a tremendous feeling of tension-relief once you finally do, that's just completely not there anymore. This time, even though it had been almost 2 weeks, I felt really happy before I did it, and even happier once I finally had done it. But my baseline of "tension" and "need" did not change whatsoever. It really is a completely different sexual-response cycle, and I LOVE IT!!! Also, as of this week, I officially have no more spontaneous erections... ever. By the time I finally got enough of an erection to reach orgasm yesterday, leading up to that I had not had a SINGLE erection in FOUR DAYS. It was four straight days of being completely limp. (Totally awesome!!!)

BODY HAIR:

This is REALLY suddenly starting to take off. Just tonight, I was looking down at my legs, and suddenly I noticed that there were a lot of patches near the top where there was NO dark hair left. All of the hair in these small little patches that are scattered all over my legs, arms, and stomach, is turning back into the little tiny transparent blond vellous hairs... the same way that they used to be when I was a kid. And this is just accelerating at an absolutely alarming rate, such that now at least 20% or so of my normal dark hair coverage has started transforming back into these tiny blond vellous hairs. They're just everywhere, and I'm noticing them in more and more places every single time that I look.

HEAD HAIR:

It's official, WE HAVE REGROWTH!!! Every day that I've been looking in the mirror, more and more little hairs are starting to pop up in the backs of the zones where my hair has been receding for the last 10 years. And they're not all just little blond baby-hairs either, there are actually several normal dark-colored hairs, maybe a few millimeters long, that are starting to show up too. (BOTH of these things, both the body hair and the head hair, are just making me SO happy. You guys don't know just how long I've been wishing for this.) And as one other interesting change that's happened to my head hair within the last week, suddenly I've noticed that it's not as oily as it always was. I used to have to wash my hair every single day, otherwise by the end of the day it would look clingy and clumpy and thin because of the oiliness. But now, my hair actually looks better if I don't wash it every day. (In the new facial picture from above, I actually hadn't washed it in three days, and it actually looked better than the old pictures where I washed it every day.) On days two and three, a simple wet-down and then a nice brushing is all it takes. And it actually looks shinier than before, and feels a lot softer, and I just love the way that it's starting to look.

WEIGHT:

Man, this has just been absolutely remarkable too. The diet is working wonders! When I got back to Ohio after my friend Sean's wedding, 3 days before I officially started on chem-castration pills, I weighed in at 270 lbs. That was when I decided that it was time for a change. And that if I really was going to go on female hormones, I had to do something about all of this extra weight, otherwise I would never look good. Well, now it's a month and one week later, and I have lost NINETEEN POUNDS, even despite the obvious drop in metabolism. (My latest weight reading was 251 lbs even.) And here are my updated body composition numbers to go with it, along with the comparable numbers from the first time that I took them, 6 days into this trial, exactly one month ago:

Weight: 251.0 lbs [-10.8 lbs. Initial weight was 261.8 lbs.]

Fat: 35.9% [-10.16 lbs. Initial body-fat percentage was 38.3%.]

Water: 41.3% [-4.46 lbs]

Muscle: 37.6% [-3.27 lbs. Initial muscle percentage was 37.3%.]

Bone: 8.6% [Unchanged. Initial bone percentage was 8.5%.]

BODY SHAPE:

I've already reported that my stomach and lower abdomen looks REALLY feminine thanks to the softer, lighter, less-muscular skin. Well, it also looks more feminine thanks to the absolutely AMAZING changes in body shape that have been going on. First of all, here are my official measurement numbers. And over the last week, they have just gone absolutely nuts! My overbust measurement especially has shrunk by an unfathomable amount within the last week. It's lost almost a full inch since my last update. All of the bulk in my upper body and midsection is just melting away, and being replaced by a beautiful feminine shape. And this was the part that I've always been the most aggravated about in terms of masculine appearance, so this is just AWESOME!!! Anyway, here are my measurements:

Hips: 45" [-0.5 in. My initial measurement was 45.5"]

Waist: 38" [-2.0 in. My initial measurement was 40.0"]

Underbust: 39" [-3.0 in. THREE INCHES! My initial measurement was 42"]

Bust: 44.5" [-0.5 in. My initial measurement was 45". (most of this measurement is due to back fat in that area, though, not boobs. By this bust measurement, the internet says that I should be a "D" cup, but that is just totally ridiculous. I'm still just barely able to fill a B.)]

Overbust: 40.5" [-2.5 in. My initial measurement was 43". And again, just a week ago this was 41.5", so it has suddenly started shrinking at an unbelievably fast rate.]

And finally, here are a couple of pictures to actually show these changes. HERE (http://i46.tinypic.com/34pgepu.jpg) is a side-view picture from the very first day of this tria

l, and you can just see the bulky

muscular lumbering (UGLY!) shape of everything. And HERE (http://i50.tinypic.com/2dbqtrc.jpg) is a side-view picture taken tonight. As you can see, my midsection is just disappearing, and my whole body looks less bulky and muscular.

BOOBS:

Yeah, I am officially about ready to officially start calling what I have "boobs" now. Because as of about three days ago, my nipples have really started to look, feel, and behave, almost exactly like female nipples. Male nipples are soft all over. Even when they get hard due to coldness, you can just feel that there is no actual structure behind them, and that there's nothing but fat tissue there. Female nipples, on the other hand, even when they're soft, you can feel that there's some solid mass down there under them... glands, and a little hard spot that never goes away. Well, it's now gotten to the point that my nipples feel like female nipples. Even when they are soft, I can still feel a pretty significant little hard spot down there. And the areola too is starting to feel VERY female. The texture of it has softened and stretched out, and I can feel a little tiny soft-pillow kind of flesh beginning to start down under there, the very beginnings of fatty breast tissue. And also, now almost as soon as I touch my nipples, they instantly get hard, and the nipple gets erect. And that nipple tissue feels MUCH bigger and harder than it ever was before. In fact, it's getting to the point that I can't wear plain white t-shirts by themselves anymore, because the nipples show through, and you can see the little bulges from a mile away. And man, OW, they hurt! I can barely touch the things without some pronounced soreness, and two nights ago when I accidentally hit myself in the chest with one of my fast arm-motions where I wasn't paying attention, I actually screamed "OW!!!" And they perpetually feel sore and tender now. So yeah, they are REALLY starting to develop fast.

SLEEP PATTERNS:

I have become a MUCH lighter sleeper. That is just a fact of my new life. My roommate wakes up for work at around 7:00 every morning, and for the last week straight, even though I've officially moved into my own room now, her morning scurrying about has never failed to wake me up too. A few days ago, I could just hear her opening and closing doors through the entire house for a good half-hour straight, and whistling to herself, and I really just wanted to scream "KNOCK IT OFF!" Because it was keeping me awake. And this is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE (did I mention huge?) change for me. I used to sleep through my own alarm clock all the time. Hell, even on full blast, sometimes less than a foot from my sleeping ears, it STILL did not wake me up, even at times as late as 2:00 in the afternoon. Hell, I slept through a tornado once for crying out loud, as our garage was being ripped from the side of the house a mere foot on the other side of the wall next to my head! And yet I still slept through it! And now, something as stupid as a whistling roommate from the next room over, with my door closed completely, is waking me up at 7:00 in the morning. It's absolutely UNBELIEVABLE!!! (I have wished that I could just have a normal sleep schedule FOREVER now! And now I do!)

"SHRINKAGE":

Just saying, now whenever I put my panties on in the morning, the little guy actually shrinks up and goes completely inside of me with the slightest little inkling of pressure from the panties. When I look down now, more often than not, there's barely even a bulge there anymore. Testes have also been shrinking quite rapidly. They're feeling like these tiny little things trapped in a huge loose swimming pool of loose skin recently. They're really undersized now for all of the skin that's still there.

BATHROOM VISITS:

I REALLY have to pee a lot recently. The amount of times that I've been going to the bathroom in any given day has gone up by at least 50%, and honestly feels to me like it has almost doubled. And I really don't know why. Maybe my bladder is shrinking? Maybe it has to do with the Dutasteride's effect on the prostate somehow? I don't know. All I know is that it seems like I'm running to the bathroom to pee like every single hour. (Help me, I'm turning into my mom... :p)

MISCELLANEOUS:

I'll update this post with anything else that I forgot in case I remember anything.

Before I call it quits on this entry, though, I really need to mention, most of these physical changes, you really do NOT notice unless you are paying really close attention. For the most part, they do not feel like invasive changes, changes that affect your life and the way you think and feel and act, in any way whatsoever. They feel completely natural. And unless you are really thinking "hmm, is this different than it was before," you probably wouldn't really notice most of them. (Except the boobs. Those are REALLY obvious.) And honestly, if you are spending your entire day sitting and waiting on all of these physical changes to happen, they are GRATINGLY slow. It's absolutely exhausting to be constantly thinking about these things, waiting for some sign that things are changing, and freaking out when they're not happening fast enough. (I have been doing this NONSTOP for the last month, and I am COMPLETELY mentally spent right now.)

Phew. So that is EVERYTHING that has been happening so far, and especially everything that's happened within the last week.

And with that said, I am DONE with this daily-entry thing for a while. This evening, I was running around in circles like a chicken with my head cut off, feeling completely insane as I went through this random period where I was getting completely worked up about my lack of being able to pass, and frustration with how long it is still going to take, and just feeling like a total hypochondriac. It felt like my transition was consuming my entire life all of a sudden, and every single little detail of the physical changes was making me feel depressed about how it wasn't feminine enough yet, even though it's again been really accelerating over the last week, and I should really be feeling much more excited about the things that have happened already rather than freaking out about all of the things that have not happened already.

So I've realized something. I need a break. I have not had a life AT ALL since I started considering this hormone trial in the middle of December, and I seriously have not thought of ANYTHING else ever since. For the last month and a half straight, I have just been completely consumed by this gender transition. And you know what? Tonight, I've realized something. I'm burned out. At first it was a necessary thing because I really needed to discover my true gender identity. But now that that period is over, and I know who I am, (a girl,) now it has just become absolutely torturous to continue to obsess over this so much. Every single day that I don't see big progress feels like a let-down, and even then I'm still constantly feeling uptight about how slowly everything's going, and anxious about my lack of ability to pass, praying for the day when I can, but it feels so far away that I can't stand it.

So, yeah. As of tonight, I had decided that the best thing for me to do is take a break from thinking about this gender transition so much. I'm still ABSOLUTELY going to do it, and it's still by far the thing in my life that I'm looking forward to the most, but it's time to step back, breathe, resume my normal life, and let the changes come when they feel like coming rather than being so ridiculously uptight and diligent about observing it.

So this is the official end of my daily entries. I will NOT be posting an entry tomorrow. This has been a great month, I hope you all have enjoyed hearing about these little updates every single day, but for the sake of my own sanity, I have to quit doing daily entries. As of now, I no longer feel the need, and as such will only plan on posting maybe a couple times a week or so.

I'll see you all then!

Thank you all SO MUCH for reading all this time. I will be back, and I will keep posting updates, just not every single day.

Love ya!

-Carrie

（´∀｀）ノ♡

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Good luck Carrrie,, Keep us abreast of your progress..hehe Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH TWO, DAY EIGHT:

Man... I just really needed to come back in and say something, because I have felt like TOTAL crap over the last few days.

Mainly what's killing me is my lack of a satisfying "girl mode." It's the exact same problem that I was having earlier, where my mental gender dysphoria has become so strong now that the feminizing effects aren't making me happy anymore, because they're STILL not enough to get me to be able to look good as a girl.

On the positive side, my face has indeed softened, and I really think that it looks great now in my wigs. Plus my midsection really does look feminine now, especially in form-fitting shirts that very clearly accentuate my shrinking waistline and wider hips. But then there's the things that wreck it all on the top half... my huge back, upper arms, and big neck. Every single time I look at them, they just ruin any illusion of femininity that is created by my midsection and my face. I HATE them so much right now, and just wish they'd slim down to feminine proportions somehow, but it feels like it's just taking so long, and I'm getting so impatient waiting for it. And I'm also a bit negative about how my butt looks. Natural girls ALL have bigger and rounded butts, which are really shown off by the tight backs of skinny jeans. Mine, on the other hand, kind of has this problem where almost immediately below the waist there is this buildup of fat with a measurement of 45", the exact same measurement as my butt. So that means that while my midsection looks curvy and shapely, my butt looks almost completely flat. It looks nice in the skinny jeans, but just flat, and thus very non-feminine. I'm kind of getting depressed about this too, because it also makes it quite obvious that I'm not really a girl.

Sigh... this is just a really hard time to go through. It feels like I am so far away, and it feels like it's impossible, and I'm so sick of not having a "girl mode" that actually looks decent. (And again, I actually have a VERY feminine bone structure... my shoulders aren't wide, my hip bones are quite wide, my arms are structured like feminine arms, my legs are structured like feminine legs, and I really do have nice cheekbones on my face.) But all of these bulky soft tissues, muscle and fat, are still stuck in this half-male half-female state where the shape is feminizing but there's still just way too much bulk in the wrong places. And I haven't yet found a way to combat this and actually look like a girl. (Maybe I need some shapewear or something... anything to let me actually look like a girl so that I can get this stupid depressed gender-dysphoric feeling out of my head and just relax and enjoy the ride.)

You know, maybe the traditional therapy methods do have something behind them... because I entered this HRT regiment COMPLETELY without a girl mode. And now that my brain has been feeling almost completely 100% female, and yet my body has not kept pace with it, it REALLY is making me feel like crap, because I can't express my feminine personality in the real world at all due to still looking too much like a guy. (One of the men at one of my poker tables kept calling me "sonny boy" yesterday, and I just wanted to strangle him because it was like "I'm a girl, damn it! I know I don't look like one, but I am! Quit calling me that!"

For a while, not even looking at transition videos was helping, because I kept saying "that's no fair! All of these people were small and not overweight and almost looked good as girls already when they started transition. But I'm still 250 lbs! I still have all of this fat in all of the wrong places. What the hell am I going to do?"

Murg... not a very positive post. But anyway, that's what's been going on. I'm feeling really negative about myself right now, and EXTREMELY impatient. Come on, hormones, give me a butt, damn it! And come on, diet, get rid of all of this damned arm flab and back bulk! This would be SO much easier if I didn't have to fight against that. I want a girl mode that I can take outside SO BADLY!!!! And now pretty much all that I am waiting for before doing it, is a few more physical changes. I did a few videos today where I was talking to the camera in an attempted "girl mode," and it's official, my voice is now passable. It was the physical part that kept bogging me down. And again, there are some parts of me, especially my midsection, that are VERY feminine. When I wear a fitted top, and tried to really objectively figure out what someone looking at me would think, the curved midsection was consistently the part that made me think "that has to be a girl, right?" While the shoulders and arms and butt were the parts fighting against it for gender-dominance. Again, I actually am getting pretty close. But not close enough for my increasingly-dysphoric mind. To my own mind, I just don't look like myself at all yet. Everything is still just too big.

Here's some visuals to just back up what I've been talking about:

Back view: (http://i47.tinypic.com/34y1pig.jpg) (and again, I HATE all of the upper body bulk, and hate the lack of a butt that I have going on here.)

Side view: (http://i50.tinypic.com/anof86.jpg) (as you can see here, pretty much all of my problems are just with the sheer amount of bulk, and that it is in the wrong places. I really don't believe I have that many issues with my actual body frame. It's just that I have too much fat on my arms and my stomach instead of my hips and butt. [also, I am wearing a padded bra in this picture, so that's where all of the boobage is coming from. No, I am not even close to that big naturally yet.])

(Side note: all of the pictures in tonight's update are with a different wig than the ones that I've previously taken... the one that I previously was wearing is called the "vintage vixen" wig, and is a lighter brown than my natural hair color and highlighted, and I always wear it pulled back into a ponytail. This one, on the other hand, is called the "roll with it" wig style. I believe is MUCH closer to what my natural hair would be like... dark brown, curly, and very thick. In fact, I kind of scared myself when I was wearing it today, because there were certain parts of the video that I did where suddenly for just a split second I thought "holy crap, I look exactly like my mom." Anyway, what do you all think? I kind of like the whole pigtails thing... I've always been partial to them, and I have felt a LOT better about my girl-mode since I discovered them, but I do want to know if other people think they look stupid on me or not.)

Anyway, that's all I've got. Again, not very positive, but I never promised that this topic would be all sunshine-and-rainbows all the time, I just promised that it would be honest.

Just to reassure everyone that I'm still all right, though, and still LOVE going into girl-mode even though I'm still nitpicking my looks to death, here's a nice smile for the camera to close the evening out on: http://i49.tinypic.com/ml6mbo.jpg

See you all again in my next entry, which will be coming up in...... um... whenever the hell I feel like it. :p

Byee!!!

-Carrie

[JessicaH (imported)]

I know it's hard to be patient but HRT takes some time. In 6-12 months , you will likely see huge differences in your lower face and neck that will make you look much more feminine. You have fem facial features so HRT will do great things for you! I recommend signing up for the daily groupon.com email and you can probably get a good deal on laser hair removal. I got one for $250 for 6 sessions and I have a about 95% clearance after 3 sessions. Start now and avoid being one of those girls that is shaving at lunchtime and redoing her makeu

[large one (imported)]

I hope you make this into a proper book one day as it is an enjoyable and informative read. May I suggest that you bring in your x girl friend as if you take her fully into your confidence in all ways, she will be a great source of knowledge for you.

She could tell you if you are still excreting male pheromones. She could also check you to see if your body still responds to her immediate proximity sight and pheromones. She could help with suggestions and criticisms and maybe keep you on the right track as her experiences as a woman would certainly be more life like than your own perceptions.

I'm interested in that you were able to take E so soon after stating on the blockers. What was it 2 days. Some years ago I had to take a tablet from a blister pack every 6 hours so I left the pack on the basin and got up in the dark, took a tablet and went back to bed. An hour or two latter I woke up to find my body in turmoil. Amongst other things including muscle cramps, my balls were hurting and my dick did not know whether it was Arthur or Martha. I got up to find I had taken a pill from a blister pack along side the pack I had placed there the night before. A freshly placed pack of contraceptive pills. I said nothing but the next night my lady thought she must had taken two pills the night before and was worried this may have effected the effectiveness of the preparation. She had no need to worry because I was not up to the mark for over a week after. You must have had a lot of active T in your body and I think you were indeed lucky you did not experience a similar effect. Do you know they used to castrate chickens by giving them massive doses of E in their food.

On that subject I destroyed a testicle by injecting it with a good quality gin. It had been giving me much pain for years. It took about 4 injections and after a few weeks all that was left was the outer case of skin on the end of the cord. The first injection hurt a little, the second hardly at all and the last two not at all. I know the method is not recommended on this site however it works well and seems by my experience to be very safe. Clean the scrotum, insert the needle, try to see if you can pull blood which makes sure that you are not in a vein then inject as much as it can hold. Then you could get on with the job of responding to the E without having to worry about T blockers and such. Just a suggestion.

The best of luck.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I hope you make this into a proper book one day as it is an enjoyable and informative read. May I suggest that you bring in your x girl friend as if you take her fully into your confidence in all ways, she will be a great source of knowledge for you.

She could tell you if you are still excreting male pheromones. She could also check you to see if your body still responds to her immediate proximity sight and pheromones. She could help with suggestions and criticisms and maybe keep you on the right track as her experiences as a woman would certainly be more life like than your own perceptions.

I'm interested in that you were able to take E so soon after stating on the blockers. What was it 2 days. Some years ago I had to take a tablet from a blister pack every 6 hours so I left the pack on the basin and got up in the dark, took a tablet and went back to bed. An hour or two latter I woke up to find my body in turmoil. Amongst other things including muscle cramps, my balls were hurting and my dick did not know whether it was Arthur or Martha. I got up to find I had taken a pill from a blister pack along side the pack I had placed there the night before. A freshly placed pack of contraceptive pills. I said nothing but the next night my lady thought she must had taken two pills the night before and was worried this may have effected the effectiveness of the preparation. She had no need to worry because I was not up to the mark for over a week after. You must have had a lot of active T in your body and I think you were indeed lucky you did not experience a similar effect. Do you know they used to castrate chickens by giving them massive doses of E in their food.

On that subject I destroyed a testicle by injecting it with a good quality gin. It had been giving me much pain for years. It took about 4 injections and after a few weeks all that was left was the outer case of skin on the end of the cord. The first injection hurt a little, the second hardly at all and the last two not at all. I know the method is not recommended on this site however it works well and seems by my experience to be very safe. Clean the scrotum, insert the needle, try to see if you can pull blood which makes sure that you are not in a vein then inject as much as it can hold. Then you could get on with the job of responding to the E without having to worry about T blockers and such. Just a suggestion.

The best of luck.

Well, it's funny that you should mention that about my ex-girlfriend/roommate, because the two of us are still very close. She still comes into my room and jumps on the bed to have a talk from time to time, including about two days ago. And I have indeed found that my reaction to her has changed. Being physically close to her used to drive me nuts physically. I just wanted to get closer and closer, and never leave. But the whole pheremone thing DEFINITELY has changed. I first noticed it when I was giving her a back massage about 3 weeks ago, and all of a sudden I just went "PEEEW!" because

for the first time I actually

found her scent unpleasant. And when we pile in the bed to talk recently, to me at least it doesn't feel like a romantic thing anymore, it feels more like two girls sitting down together to talk. We laugh, we giggle, we talk a lot, but there's really nothing sexual about it. I don't have the same reaction as usual. I enjoy the feeling of physical closeness, and of hugging and touching, but it just feels like two very close intimate friends who enjoy feeling close to each-other. You know, kind of like a "bff" relationship. (Which I have ALWAYS wanted, as long as I've lived, so God, that would be amazing!)

She hasn't mentioned any change in how I smell (yet,) but I have definitely noticed her scent triggers different emotional reactions in me. And seeing her does the same thing. The two of us still just walk around the house with nothing but a t-shirt and panties on all the time. And while I used to have more of a "woah, hello!" kind of reaction, now honestly all that I feel is jealousy. When I see her hips, and that lovely feminine flat triangle space in the front of her panties, honestly it's like "damn it, I want that! So unfair..."

In regards to testicle destruction, again, I am NOT ready for that yet. It's too early. And now I'm kind of on the fence about it, because there are a lot of SRS clinics that actually recommend that you don't get an orchiectomy prior to surgery for best results, because the scarring interferes with the grafts that are needed. And also one of the big problems with orchiectomy is that you're not allowed to take any hormones for an extended period after the surgery. I could NOT go without hormones right now, because everything is still so masculine, and still has so far to go, and I'm feeling so impatient and so uptight about it, that I simply would NOT be able to go without hormones for a whole month right now. I need to feel comfortable as a girl first. I need my appearance to be feminine enough that I could feel comfortable if I was stuck there for a month or so. And right now, I'm not even close. So I need a LOT more time on HRT, and need to actually go to therapy and work on getting the letters that I need and figure out the logistics of the whole thing, before I even consider it. Because although I am 100% Carrie in my head, and in my personality right now, I regrettably am NOT her in real life yet. In real life, I'm still just stuck as a slowly-feminizing guy who lives as a male, and only becomes a girl in the privacy of her own home. So yeah, it's not time yet. Reality sucks.

[_g (imported)]

Cheetaking243 after looking at you body photos, try eating smaller servings at lunch & dinner. As I have lost weight my breasts have gotten larger (unburied from fat) after a time the love handles I see will go away also. Just do not starve you self as then will get you fatter.

_g

[foxytaur (imported)]

Cheetaking243 after looking at you body photos, try eating smaller servings at lunch & dinner. As I have lost weight my breasts have gotten larger (unburied from fat) after a time the love handles I see will go away also. Just do not starve you self as then will get you fatter.

_g

I told her already to eat smaller intermittent servings of low GI meals.(eat whe your hungry, space them out and if you can't finish save it for laters)

Shes got cuisine experience, she should know P

One of my former ex classmates starved herself and what it does really is place the body in hunger mode. So when you eat the body triggurs more insulin release. Bad simple carbs from High GI pastas , maccaroni and those evil white and fake brown breads release too much sugar in bloodstream. Again insulin release.

One thing that really important is by having too much insulin release

body can develop a insulin resistance ------diabetes

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Right now, my daily eating routine looks something like this:

Breakfast:

-3 eggs

-Either bacon or sausage

-A bowl of strawberries or a couple of clementine oranges

-Intermittent snacks throughout the day, usually comprising of either smoked meat products (jerky or beef sticks), or some kind of cheese (either goat-cheese or raw-milk cheddar,) or the same kinds of fruit as from breakfast.

Lunch:

-Soup, usually either homemade chicken soup or minestrone, often broccoli cheddar, occasionally something like lobster bisque or beef chili depending on what the soup place at work has on the menu, and what I'm in the mood for.

Dinner:

-Some kind of big meat portion. Usually this is either a big steak, a portion of homemade pulled pork, pot roast, or two chicken thighs, and occasionally bratwursts if I need something to perk my mood up without causing too much damage.

-Leafy green vegetable, either kale or spinach.

-One "junk meal" per week where I can eat whatever I want. Usually this ends up being a trip to the local sushi buffet.

So far so good. I started this diet at 270 lbs, and am now down to 248 lbs as of this morning, in the course of about a month and a half. I still have a VERY long way to go, but so far so good. And this diet doesn't feel like much of a sacrifice at all. I just traded my normal terrible junk foods like pizza and chips and candy for ones that won't spike my blood sugar so much.

[_g (imported)]

clip...

I started this diet at 270 lbs, and am now down to 248 lbs as of this morning, in the course of about a month and a half.

Very Good, It has taken me about 1 1/2 years to go from a 44 inch wast to a 38 inch. I still have a ways to go, I still have a large gut.

_g

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Speaking of which, I haven't updated my own measurements in about a week now. So here goes:

Updated Measurements:

Hips: 45" [-0.5 in. Unchanged since last week.]

Waist: 37" [-3.0 in. Down another full inch from my last update!]

Underbust: 38.5" [-3.5 in. Another half-inch down since last time.]

Bust: 44" [-1.0 in. Also down a half-inch since last time.]

Overbust: 40.5" [-2.5 in. Unchanged since last week.]

New Measurements that I am also going to start keeping track of: (These are the starting numbers. Let's see if they change at all now that I've started Foxytaur's "bombshell body workout." We'll find out next week.):

Upper Arm Circumference: 16"

Lower Arm Circumference: 12.25"

Neck: 16"

Upper Thigh Circumference: 26.25"

Calf Circumference: 17"