Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-EIGHT:

So, today I've done a LOT more thinking on this matter, (big surprise, right? Man, I do a lot of thinking nowadays. :p) And I think I understand a bit better just what I need.

I've always felt socially disconnected, at least since high school or so. And yet because of my gender issues, I never did anything about this, because so much of my brain energy was wasted on trying to cope with my dysphoria, so I never had the energy to get to know and interact with other people, and I really became a loner over the years.

Well, now I think I've realized what I need. I need friends. Good friends, close friends that I can share life with. What matters to me now has no longer become what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing it with. I've discovered that I enjoy spending time with Jenny WAY more than I used to, and that whenever I do anything with her, I really do feel happy, even if the actual thing that we're doing isn't normally something that I would like. And when I was doing some internet searches for things that girls can do for fun, trying to figure out what I could do to start living my new life,

almost all of the things that I f

ound seemed to revolve around spending time with friends... a resource that I pretty much do not have aside from Jenny. (Seriously. She is my ONLY good friend up here.)

And while I really don't feel like the same material things that I have always liked bring me any sense of true joy anymore... video games, watching movies, sitting around and reading, going to the movies or amusement parks by myself, and honestly pretty much anything by myself, those all just seem "meh... that really doesn't sound like much fun." But the prospect of going out and meeting people, and getting involved with their lives, and going to actual social events, and actually talking to people, and sharing true personal connections... MAN, that felt good when I thought about it, and felt like it would be SO enjoyable and life-fulfilling.

I think that's where the keys to my new life lie. In social connection. In getting to know people, and taking personal interest in their work, and asking questions, and then hopefully in forming personal connections. That's the key. I need to go out and do stuff. I need to go to those writers' meetings and theater workshops, and actually get involved instead of just sitting and watching... really get to know some of the people. (I love artistic people... they're the group [q

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that I've always gotten along with the best.
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)

And when I thought about this, I realized that transitioning would give me, for the first time in my entire adult life, a chance to have an actual social life, and a chance to have the kind of friendships that I've always wished I could have. Because you know what I want? I want girlfriends! I want that deep, socially-connected kind of connection that women make with each-other, where they can go do things together, and talk together, and

experience life together, and sh

are their lives with each-other. And I've wished that I could have this kind of friendship for pretty much my entire life. And guess what? Becoming a girl, I really can, for the first time ever, have that kind of female friendship with that feeling of commonality. I can actually get close to other women, and take personal interest in their work, and it won't be forced to have this distance that I've always been forced to put up with because of the whole different-genders thing, despite having always understood and interacted with women WAY better than with men. And men simply do NOT make these kinds of friendships. When guys go do things together, they don't really do them TOGETHER, really experiencing it as two people, they just happen to be occupying the same general region doing the same activity. There's just not that same social connection. I've always felt this distance, always loathed it, and always felt like the few friendships that I had just weren't the kinds of friendships that I wished I could have. And again, as a guy, when you're doing things with friends, the focus isn't on the friends, the focus is on the things... the game that you're playing, or the movie that you're watching, and it's not about having a good time together, it's just about the technicality of having another person to play the game with. There's not as much laughing, or joking, or silly personal stories, or social connection. But there tends to be a lot more debating, opinions, bragging, and bouncing one's own ideas around. And again, I have ALWAYS wished for that female connection instead of the male connection. I really do not "get" men socially, and have never been able to feel the same sense of commonality with them as I alw

ays have with women.

Well, guess w

hat? This transition has given me, for the first time, a desire to have a social life.

I really believe that that is where

my future lies. I'm not a lone wolf anymore, I want to be part of a pack. When I'm doing things, and when I'm thinking about things, I don't just want to be doing them and thinking about them on my own, I want to share them with people. I want to share in others' lives, and have a chance for them to share in mine as well. And [quo

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a future as a woman would indeed give me
[/quote]
the chance for this, for the first time in my entire life. And MAN, is that ever a happy thought!

I've been rereading some of the posts that I made way back in the old days, while I was still just a confused guy thinking about maybe doing a hormone trial, reading back into the reasons why I did it in the first place, and the entry that I did about the rehearsal dinner for my friend Sean's wedding REALLY reminded me about this social aspect. All night, I was surrounded by guys my own age. And they were dicking around, drinking, making rude jokes, and in general doing that "bro" behavior that guys do. And at the same time, the girls were playing with the kids, talking together, really asking each-other how things were going, and enjoying the chances for those close social connections. And man, did I EVER feel out of place that night. Never in my life had I felt more like I wished I was a girl than during that night.

So, basically, I've been filled with new vim and vigor about transition. I am absolutely sure that I want to keep goi

ng forward, because I've reali

zed that the chance that I have before me is one that really could truly make me truly happy for the first time in my life. And as such, I have a new goal in life. Social acceptance. I want to be socially accepted as a woman. I want to be able to be around other women and accepted as one of them, and able to share in the same kind of friendships and the same kind of social groups and discussions as any other woman would. Yes. For the first time ever, I want a social life. That is what would truly make me happy. Not going back to my hermit days where I spent every hour of every day sitting in my own little cave playing poker and video games because they were the only things that I had. No. Going forward, going into a life where I am actually able to talk to people, and actually able to make friends, and actually able to feel like a normal human being without problems constantly weighing down my life. It's time to say goodbye to that old self, and embrace the new.

That's all I have to say for today. And once again, I am back to feeling VERY happy, realizing just how significant of a change this is, and feeling like I need to pinch myself because the prospects are so simply amazing, and things that I had just assumed would never be fixed, are actually being fixed. I have loathed my lack of a social life for years, and now for the first time I really feel like I can actually have one.

I love that prospect, and I really do think that is where the keys to my new self are. And I'm really excited to finally be able to explore it!

Yes, indeed! Time to get out there, for the first time ever, and actually experience life and experience the world!

-Carrie

ヽ（　＾＾）人（＾＾　）ノ

(Side note: this does NOT mean that I am done thinking about this. Needless to say, this is by far the most important decision that I will make in my entire life. So rushing into any decision here is not what I need. I really do need time to think about ALL of the different aspects of this.)

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hey Carrie..You are in transition..That means change. You're really somewhere in the middle, and on the right path, it seems to me..You look great...There is further change ahead...Just go with it..Have fun...You're pretty...Love yourself....Soon enough, others will too...smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Ha! So I was just randomly browsing around over on Susan's transgender board, just randomly looking at other people's posts, and a topic by a late-transitioner came up about what is a common experience among them... going on and off HRT several times before finally deciding to go the whole way. And some of the things that they said are things that sound like EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. And it was at exactly the same mark that I'm at, the 3-month mark. This one that I'm re-posting here was especially scary:

Quote:

"I've been on/off HRT a few times in my life. At 56 I am on it again. The biggest benefit I got has always been the calming. Low dose for several months always helped in a way to reset my brain. Also after a few months, as I often do, I do the "And NOW what?", freak out."

So it's VERY good to know that this feeling is quite common. And it's also once again making me think, what would happen if I decided to stop? End up like the late transitioners? Realize after a while exactly why I started it in the first place, and constantly go off and on it and miss my opportunity and end up waiting until my 50's to get serious about it? HELL NO!!! It may be scary, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that that's all this is... fear of the unknown. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that what lies ahead truly will be better in every way that what I left behind in order to get it.

I also talked to my mom earlier today, and told her what was going on with this "rebirth" mindset, and her take on it was "wow, that's amazing! I'd give anything to feel like that... to have a chance to start a new life and really discover myself again, and try a bunch of new things out. Maybe it's just because I'm 60, so I'm jealous of that youthful opportunity, but I really wish I could do something like that. Go for it, bud! It sounds like a golden opportunity!"

So yeah... again, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to go for it all. And yes, it is a VERY scary thought. I'm already reaching the point of androgyny physically. Within the next few months, I'm going to reach the point where I can't hide it anymore, and where I will start to look awkward as a guy. And once I reach that point, I won't have a choice anymore, I'll pretty much have no choice but to transition. Again, a scary thought. But looking beyond the fear and looking to the life that I really might have afterward, it really does make it feel like it's worth the risk.

Anyway, just wanted to share that.

[transward (imported)]

There is a point that needs to be made. We trans can often be like one of those dumb-blond cheerleaders in high school, whose lives revolve around boys and dating and going steady and getting engaged and planning the perfect wedding. After that perfect wedding you are confronted with "what now?" After you achieve your heart's desire, what is left to to amuse yourself.

My experience is typical. I have been suicidal at least since I was twelve, suffered from depression, had self esteem issues,failures in relationships and career, etc. etc. All my life I ascribed these problems to being trans, with no possibility (I thought) of transitioning and having to live a lie and hide myself from everyone, particularily my wife. After the end of my marriage, I decided to starve myself to death. Having nothing to lose I sent off for mail order hormones, (thank you Eunuch Archive and Anne Lawrence for the info) and transitioned. I never announced the fact to anyone, just started changing. Oddly enough I found transition was possible, (though part of the reason was I was of an age where even bio-women begin to be invisible, and there are times that, as a woman you want to be visible) I began living as a woman and struck a bargain w/ myself, to stay the death sentence so long as I was useful. I expected transitioning to be a "magic bullet" that by itself would "cure" me. I was hugely disappointed to find that, though I am much happier as a woman, and would not consider de-transitioning, yet I was still depressed, was no better at romance, still spent too many hours of too many days fantasizing about pulling the trigger.

Running support groups I heard similar stories again and again. Trans women centering their lives around transitioning expecting it to magically solve all their problems and finding afterward that they still have many of the same problems, and finding it has made other problems such as relationship w/ family and friends, employment, housing, etc. much worse. We would joke about the group buying anti-depressants by the truckload.

What I am trying to say it, as you move towards transition, don't put all your problems off till afterwards. You are usually paying a therapist for gender letters; use that time to discuss your other problems and a strategy to overcome them. Find a social group you can be yourself with. Remember women are expected to be more socially skilled than men. This can be a lot easier in a city with a large LGBT presence. As you go from GRAM (generally recognized as male) to GRAF (generally recognized as female) unless you are a one in a thousand (like Andrej Pejic, https://www.google.com/search?q=Andrej+ ... 79&bih=463) you are going to go through a period where you will face some ridicule and laughter at your expense. Learn to laugh at them. If you blow up and get angry you are just going to be even more an object of ridicule. And laughter is a more effective defense than anger and usually safer. And a quick, warm smile goes a long way to make you more passable.

Transward

[foxytaur (imported)]

I dont expect transition to solve my issues, and your correct tranward it can amplify them given the circumstances.

I will admit I'm tired of living a lie fabricated by everyone elses expectations for me.

Much like how chinese parents arrage for their childrens weddings, I feel trapped in my surroundings with the binary status quo.

I can show you pics of myself as a kid sitting in a corner eating his jam sandwich. I was kinda an oddball, hung out withsome of the daring rebelious boyish girls and squuemish nerdy guys.(while i witnessed it was the other way around with other guys) Things were kinda much simpler when your kid. Come puberty and boom. tons of male centred and female girly girl antic bs comes into play. I mean it's too much. Its hard when you have mixed boyish and girl feelings. A giant alphabet soup of fuck

I really don't have that cheeleader or jock mentality of dealing with situations.

That is such narrow minded linear concept for me.

I prefer a more spontaneous sinuisodal wave pattern.

And while I do worry about passing its more about wanting to staying butch stealth more than anything. Im not expecting to be a catwalk for a runway (pass go, collect $200, land on comunity chest ....you have won a ticket to a beauty pageant etc...., etc....)

Sorry but life isn't that easy.

I want to pass well to be steath to avoid confrontation from transphobic and homophobic assholes. that is it.

What scares me is the power of social media these days such as facebook and the help of the internet. More douchebags these days are being educated on what are primary characteristics of distinguishing a second type woman from a genetically real woman that its scary.

You have to admit transward the expectations to reach a safe steath zone have been raised.

People now catch on with the large hands, brow bossing, backwards sloping foreheads, index fingers etc....

Thats the worry, thats why trans folk get depressed and turn to suicide when theres no where left to hide.

The proper sequential order should be GRAM>>>>>androgyne>>>>>GRAF.

In my case id feel perfectly at ease somewhere between androgyne and GRAF.

And living in a city thats tolerant and has a huge lgbt comunity is a must.

definetly will be moving to ontario in neartime future or british colombia if i can someday afford it.

Oh yeah transward I remember Andrej Pejic, he starred in a androgynous Toyota comercial and pretty much fooled everyone. Sandly this commercial was banned but it was a step in the right direction P

I really do love Andrej Pejic's look. Hopefully late 20's I can tweak my look surgically to achieve a improved femenine appeal. Hrt will bring me close hpefully but a good rhinoplasty and chin fat removal will do the trick.(fat accumalates way to easy in chin. it's a genetic predisposition even if you are thin as a toothpick)

Still not to sure about the forehead,although looks very smoothlike from front im worried about a slight slant from sideways (very tiny) . again surgery.

Good thing I have no brow bossing

But you can see my paranoia now

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-NINE:

Oh boy... here we are, closing in on the three-month mark. And if you remember, at the very beginning of this thread, I decided that if I wasn't sure by the end of the one month "trial" period, that I had until the three-month mark to decide, because that's when the changes would start becoming permanent. And now here I am, two days away from that milestone, and despite the sheer amount of joy that I've experienced, and the sheer amount of happiness I've felt as I've witnessed my body changing and my dysphoria easing

for the first time in my life,

that three-month deadline is weighing very heavily on me right now.

Right now, I'm at the point where I'm out of time to decide. I must have finally hit rock-bottom with T levels or something, because I'm absolutely shocked with how quickly my appearance has suddenly been changing over the last two weeks or so. In just those two weeks, just by comparing videos, my "girl mode" has shot all the way up from "yeah, I guess that person kind of looks like a girl," to "holy crap, I actually look kind of cute." And yes, I do still have a LONG way to go, but the sheer amount of improvement has been astronomical. And suddenly, my "guy mode" is actually starting to look a little awkward. Over the last few days, I have actually caught a couple of people staring at me as I walked by, and double-taking. So... shit... I really am getting to the point where I'm crossing over from one side to the other in terms of appearance. When I'm looking in the mirror, just dressed in my "normal" clothes, I'm still able to see the feminine shapes underneath quite well. And suddenly, this whole thing just feels so much more real. And it's downright scary. It's not just some whimsical fantasy of "well, one day I hope I look this way." It's here. NOW. And the sheer magnitude of it is just now hitting me.

Yet again, I'm shocked how accurate my stories ended up being. This is yet again a scene straight out of part 2 of "My Life As A Girl." Hell... here's a quote DIRECTLY from that story. And I seriously could not have written better words to describe the feelings that I'm having right now.

QUOTE: from "My Life As A Girl, part 2, chapter 3: "The First Day":

"My first thought, which made my heart jump a mile as I thought it, was "My god, this is REAL." And "real" now meant so much more than it ever had when I had imagined it in my fantasies.

Have you ever imagined yourself as a girl, like I used to?... I bet it was fun. I bet you enjoyed the fantasy, relishing the thought of how much fun that would be just to try. Well, this wasn't one of those fantasies. When I say real, I mean the kind of real where suddenly you realize that there is no going back. When you realize that you might ALWAYS have those new girl parts, and suddenly face the reality of having them for the entire rest of your life with no way of ever going back. When you picture what you will look like twenty years from now, maybe wearing a business suit or something, and yet realize that it's quite possible that when you reach your hands down your pants you'll still feel a vagina down there instead of a penis.

That sense of finality... that really hit me hard, and I definitely was not ready for that reality despite how many times I had written about it. When you write, there is always this distance to it. Even if you are writing about how a sex-changed character is falling into despair knowing that they can never go back to the way it was before, trust me, you still don't know. I mean it when I say that nothing can prepare you for the reality of it actually happening. That moment when you realize that it's REAL... it's like being hit with a freight train."

So that's what I'm facing right now. It's the reality that, if I continue further, I really will be a woman for the entire rest of my life. And there will basically be no going back. I will ALWAYS have to speak in my new voice, and ALWAYS dress in a new way, and ALWAYS be perceived as female. Right now, I'm still at the point where, if I really did want to go back, I could, and there would be very little harm done. But that time is rapidly drawing to a close. With each and every day, the changes are becoming more and more permanent.

So right now, I'm pretty much on the cusp of having to make the most important decision of my entire lifetime. And maybe it's not so much the prospect of permanently being female that's really bothering me, it's just the fact that this is my last chance to decide one way or the other. Because I am VERY indecisive by nature, and I HATE having to make tough decisions. So that's probably why this is weighing so heavily on me. But again, this is a VERY tough decision. In fact, it's a lot like the decision that I made to start HRT in the first place. I didn't start it because I was 100% sure that I was transsexual, I started it because the prospect of being stuck as a guy forever, and missing my chance, was more than I could bear. I had to at least give myself the option. So again, now, that prospect of permanence is lingering over me, and making it WAY harder to make this decision that it should be. By nature, I really do still want that freedom to decide, and so that prospect of it being permanent is making it hard.

And I think I have decided what I need to do in order to make sure that I am making the right decision here. I need to basically do something like the "Real-Life Experience" that the Harry-Benjamin psychologists often require before even starting HRT. I need to quit viewing my female self as something that I just do when I feel like it, and something that I do sometimes in order to take a few pictures and post them and wait to see what others think in order to make myself feel better and to check to see how my feminization is progressing. I need to get serious about it... and realize, THAT is the new me. Should I continue, that is the self that I will have to ALWAYS present as. So I really need to test out living as a woman... not just dressing as one now and then, but LIVING as one. ALWAYS dressing as one, and ALWAYS going out in public as one, and ALWAYS speaking in a female voice, and seeing that identity not as an alternate persona, but as the real, permanent me. I need to do that. Because I really feel like, until I do, my desires will always be stuck in the realm of fantasy, and not based on what it would really mean in real life.

Basically, it's time to get serious. It's time to seriously consider the fact that this is going to be a permanent, life-altering change, and make sure that I really do want it in real life, and not just in my unrealistic fantasies. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to give it a try. Basically, starting now, I am going to begin ALWAYS going out in public as a girl. Not just when I feel like it, not just when I am going shopping for female clothes, but ALWAYS. When I'm exercising, when I'm going to the library, when I'm going food shopping, when I'm going to the movies and doing leisure activities, and whenever I'm doing ANYTHING that does not require me to be in a situation that reveals my birth gender, I am going to start doing them as a girl. And that should, very quickly, give me a healthy dose of reality, of realizing just what it is going to mean if I do decide to transition fully.

As such, yet again, I am going to be changing the names of my future entries. And I'm even considering starting a whole new topic entirely, since the purpose of these entries has changed so much. I probably won't, just for the purpose of consistency and of not cluttering up this board with another topic devoted to my personal life, but yeah. It needs to change. I started out three months ago, calling my daily entries in this topic my "hormone trial log." That is obviously long gone, since I decided almost 2 months ago that this was permanent one way or the other, and that I was never going back to my normal life on testosterone. (And I still stand by that decision with 100% certainty. Even if I decide not to proceed with transition, I am NOT going back off of anti-androgens. I could NOT go back to being a "normal" guy. Ever. One way or the other, I will never have testosterone in my system ever again. This decision is just a matter of deciding if I also want to proceed with feminization or not.) After that initial decision was reached, I started calling this a "hormone replacement log." Well, now that doesn't really feel right either, since recently the main point of this topic is not the hormones anymore, it is my decision on whether I am going to transition to being a woman fully or not. So once I really do start this real-life experience test, I'm going to start a whole new journal, and start the daily numbering system all over again from #1, and call it my "gender transition log." Since basically, on the day that I start it, I will officially be starting my new life. I won't just be Charlie who lives as Carrie maybe a couple of times a week when he feels like it, and on all of the internet message boards that he's out on. I really will be starting a completely new life. Carrie will now be taking over, my default gender will be changing to female, and I will only be living as Charlie a few times a week for the technicality of having to go to work and other social events where people knew me as my birth gender. And the purpose won't be about worrying about hormones, or appearance, or changes, or any of those things, it will be asking the question... is this the real me? Am I really going to be comfortable being this way for the entire rest of my life? Do I really want to be a girl ALL the time, and not just as an occasional personal amusement that I use to keep my dysphoria at bay?

These are very serious questions that I presently do not have the ability to answer. But I will have them, soon enough. My new life is truly about to begin, and it will be the ultimate test to determine the entire future outcome of my life. Stay tuned!

And wish me luck!

-Carrie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Okay, I didn't think I'd need to double-post originally, but hell, this is a situation that definitely merits it, since my moods have been so crazy today.

I've finally figured it out. You know what this is? It's just another one of these stupid hormonal mood shifts.

It took an explosive incident where I yelled my head off at traffic on the way to work before it finally occurred to me what was going on. And now that I'm looking back, I'm realizing that this has all of the classic symptoms of one of my hormonal depressive bouts... impatience, feeling crummy for no reason, doubts that seem to come out of nowhere, a loss of that default state of happiness and that "feminine energy" that I have on my good days, tenseness, anger, and especially a recurring thing that always happens when I'm on the bad ends of these hormonal changes, is that I start to get impatient and frustrated with the lack of transition progress WAY more than my current situation has any right to make me, and I suddenly feel like I need to push things along faster transition-wise in order to quiet my feelings of annoyance. These are all the classic symptoms that happen when my T levels rebound a little bit, and that's

exactly what I've been feeling

for the past few days as all of these random doubts have started popping up.

The good thing about realizing this, is that now I can finally quit worrying, and quit freaking out about it, and quit focusing on the doubts, because now I know that these thoughts aren't really mine, they're just my stupid hormones talking. And within a couple of days, the T will drop back down, I'll be back to normal, and it will be as if none of this ever happened. And the schedule makes perfect sense... this seems to happen every 4 days or so. And as you might have noticed, I spent a LONG time feeling unbelievably happy earlier this week, for about four days straight after a previous post where I was whining about feeling lousy at the end of last week, and then suddenly out of nowhere lost that sense of happiness and started having doubts again a couple of days ago. So go figure. It's just another hormonal mood shift. It will pass, and I'll be back to normal within the next couple of days, not having a care in the world, and being ready to go with the flow.

So sorry for scaring everyone with my last couple of posts. I am NOT quitting. Nor am I even really considering it anymore, now that I've realized what's going on. Because I ALWAYS have doubts on the days where my T levels are bouncing back up. And it's always some new reason, and that reason always ends up being absolutely nothing at all, something that vanishes as soon as the levels drop back down again, and the E takes back over again. And it's been almost always every 3-4 days or so, like clockwork, when I've gone through these same hormonal shifts due to changes in dosing in the past. (The same thing happened when I was first starting, and the same thing happened after my one-week "break" where I ran out of supplies, and the same thing is happening now because my dosage was cut almost in half.)

So yeah. Nothing to worry about. If I started having doubts on my good days, THAT is when I would start to worry. But I never have yet. Consistently, when the E is in control and the T is bottoming out, I am NEVER unhappy, and never have ANY doubts. And yes, I do believe that these negative mood swings are important, because I always realize some valuable things through them. And you know, I really do need to consider that it might be time to start going more public like I wrote earlier, and start doing more everyday things as my true gender identity. But yeah, I SERIOUSLY overreacted to this random downswing. Everything is clearly still bouncing up and down a lot following my switch to lower-dose E and Spiro, and it's not quite stable yet. It is easing though. This downswing was nowhere near as bad as my last one, so I do believe that it's finally starting to even out. From past experience, it usually takes 3 weeks or so for the levels to finally even out again and reach a new stable level.

Anyway, again, everything's good. A couple of days from now, this will all be gone, and I'll be right back to that "OMG this is the best thing ever!" mindset. It's just a matter of time. Sorry if I scared anyone, and sorry again for the schizophrenic double-post as I tried to figure this all out.

Remember, doubts are healthy. That's how I view them. Not as an obstacle to be overcome, and not as something that needs to be shoved aside for the sake of sticking to the faith 100%, but rather as something that tests your convictions. If your faith is never tested, how will you ever know how strong it is?

So that's what this has been... a test. And although I'll admit I'm nowhere near as excited about transition as I was at the very beginning, there are always still things that remind me of why I want to keep going, and a drive deep down inside me that tells me to keep pressing on into the unknown, and to not be scared, and that reminds me of just how happy I am every single time

I can look in the mirror and

see a girl looking back at me. And for now, that is enough for me.

-Carrie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY THIRTY-ONE:

(Warning: long entry ahead! But a VERY important one, possibly the most important one that I have ever made.)

Well, it finally happened. I knew it was coming if I kept obsessing over these doubts, and kept expending so much mental energy constantly questioning and questioning and thinking and thinking every single day, and never getting any time to just chill and take it easy and relax. I knew that I've felt just an inch away from it on some of my hardest work nights, and I knew that eventually, one of these nights I was going to be pushed farther than my expended brain could handle. Well, last night it finally happened. I finally cracked from mental exhaustion.

Basically, yesterday, I FINALLY reached an epiphany

about what my gender identity

was. But reaching this epiphany took the ENTIRE early afternoon of my day. And by the time I had eaten something and showered, I only had like 15 minutes before I had to go into work. And after FOUR full days of doubts, of spending every waking hour of every single day freaking out because I was having doubts, freaking out because suddenly I was feeling like I didn't know if I wanted to transition anymore, and yet deep down I knew that "NO! I am NOT quitting now!" My brain has just been in a constant state of battle, fighting over what I want to do. So I was COMPLETELY mentally spent.

And then the night at work happened. The poker room was PACKED. There was a waiting list EIGHTY people long to get into the 1-2 No Limit Hold'em tables. And because we were short-staffed, and couldn't open three or four of the tables, and the front podium was having a very hard time keeping up with filling the tables promptly after people left, the players were PISSED. I had to listen to so many tirades about how this was the "worst run poker room," and endless bitching and whining about how high the rake was, and about how our supervisors didn't care, and about how we're purposefully treating them like crap because we're a monopoly and we know they have nowhere else to go, and through the whole night whenever someone started talking like this, I just wanted to scream "Will you just shut up and play cards? GOD!!!" By the time I was nearing the end of my shift, I was in a SERIOUS state of mental disarray. I kept making mental error after mental error, not noticing when players were checking, calling out wrong bet amounts, giving change to the wrong players... God, I was just completely out of it. Then the final straw came when I was forced to stay over-time for the THIRD time this week. I was already ready to crack from exhaustion, and then I had to stay for another 2 hours to cap it off. When I was tapping in to my last table, and there was a huge wad of bills that I needed to count in order to verify that the chip rack was accurate, I said something that a dealer at a casino is NEVER supposed to say. I said "Fuck it. I'm not counting it." And then when I was doing my introduction, I said something along the lines of "I'll be your dealer for the next 5 minutes or so, because hopefully I'll finally be going home once the 4-o-clockers come in." The players at my table were absolutely shocked. And I quickly realized "Oh my God, what the hell did I just say?" Every player at the table left one hand later, and one of the players, on the way out, said very directly to me "I hope you really do get to go home soon."

I lost it. I completely lost it. Once I was out of the casino, and in my car, I broke down crying. Out and out, complete sobbing crying. I felt so bad. I mean, in all likelihood, these players might have been in that casino for the first time ever, and yet I had an emotional explosion right in front of them. I said something that we are NEVER supposed to say in front of guests. And I realized, if I was that player, and saw how I had acted, my impression of this casino and its employees would be that they were unprofessional, rude, obscene, and didn't care about the players at all, only about themselves. Oh my God, this made me feel like s***. And yet again, I cried. And then on the drive home, one of my co-workers, one of the ones I'm out to, just happened to drive by me on the highway, and rolled her window down and happily yelled out to me "Charlie!!!" And I half-heartedly waved back. And then once she had driven off, I absolutely lost it again. I started bawling right there in the car, and cried out "WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY?!!! Damn it, Damn it, Damn it, DAMN IT!!!!!!!

So... ugh... what a TERRIBLE day.

The only positive, is that my four days of questioning is indeed finally over. Yesterday, after four days of intense thinking, I did finally reach an epiphany

about what my gender identity is,

and why I was having so many doubts in the first place.

Basically, I realized this because someone posted a video over on Susan's Place about a couple of people, one MtF and one FtM, who were de-transitioning after feeling like their new gender identity didn't match who they were. (here's the video link for anyone in America who wants to see it: http://www.mtv.com/videos/true-life-im- ... list.jhtml) In this video, the ex-FtM transsexual goes to see a gender therapist. And that therapist said something that was VERY poignant. Transitioning isn't about "becoming" a man or a woman. It's about being who you are, and finding an external presentation to match the internal. And for the kids in this video, basically what they were doing was trading one false presentation in for another false presentation entirely. Going from one box where they felt trapped to another box where they still felt trapped.

And man... this REALLY spoke to me. Because I've realized something. I WAS on the path to becoming someone that I'm not. Because I've discovered, I was actually starting to box myself in with traditional expectations of femininity. There's a reason why I didn't really feel like going out in "girl mode." It's because I felt this pressure to look feminine, and act feminine. And it took conscious effort. I had to constantly watch how I was walking, and constantly watch my hand gestures and overall presentation, trying to make them more shy and dainty and demure in order to get them to fit in with feminine norms better. And you know what? It was downright uncomfortable. I really was trying to become someone that I'm not in order to fit in better. It's basically the same thing that I was doing as a guy, but the other way around. As a guy, I was constantly having to stifle myself in order to not do things that would be viewed as too feminine. And now as a girl, I'm constantly having to stifle myself in order to not do things that would be viewed as too masculine. Either way, I lose. And either way, I am not being myself.

Also, because I've spent so much time writing about the character of "Carrie" before, in my stories and in my novel that I'm working on, I had just built up this huge expectation about what she was supposed to be like. Carrie started life as basically me imagining what I would ideally be like if I had been born as a girl. And as such, she had a lot of feminine expectations built into her... she was supposed to be cute, and supposed to be bubbly, and supposed to fit in just perfectly with the normal girls, and have a sense of style, and a sense of self, and just be a normal girl. And as such, now that I DO view myself as Carrie, I've been trying to live up to those expectations. For a while, it was fun. Because I was still mostly a guy, and therefore any notions of femininity were still just distant dreams, ANY hint of femininity beginning to take shape in me was the most exciting thing ever, and I just dreamed all day about how great it was going to be, and just felt so happy.

Well, that's not the case anymore. Because, guess what? I'm NOT a guy anymore. I have reached the point where, physically, I feel like I've ceased being male. I don't have body hair like a male, I don't have the same shape as a male anymore, I don't have the rough skin like a male, my face is starting to look pretty gender-neutral, my thoughts and sex-drive are DEFINITELY not male anymore, and I actually am able to dress like a girl and go out in public as a girl with pretty much no problem whatsoever. Plus for the first time, I am NOT feeling gender dysphoria anymore. So I no longer have that drive, that need to escape from what I currently have, constantly pushing me forward. And suddenly, that has completely changed my perspective on everything. Suddenly, it is feeling much more real rather than being a distant fantasy. And so, when I'm imagining myself as that same idealistic "Carrie" image, I'm not just imagining some future fantasy that is a million miles away, I am imagining my real self. And suddenly, being feminine like that is just NOT appealing to me. It does not feel like something that I would want to do any more. And I suspect that this is why I've always had such problems imagining what it's going to be like for others to see me as a girl, and why it constantly causes me such doubt and uncertainty. (That has been a common doubt since day one... just that inability to imagine other people that I know seeing me as a girl, and imagining what they will think of me.)

So, basically, I decided that it was time to re-evaluate my transition, starting back from the very beginning. I decided, let's ask the question... just who am I? Throw away all societal preconceptions over what is "normal" for males and females, and ask myself, which one am I really?

And, well, I'm starting to realize, I really don't fit neatly into either gender identity. I am NOT an average male, but just as much, I am NOT an average female either. And this has been a constant throughout my life. As a kid, I hated uber-boyish things like war toys and action shows, but I hated uber-girlish things like dolls and makeup just as much. And I didn't understand the girly-girls any more than I understood the uber-boys. My best friends were indeed always girls. But they were NOT feminine girls. When I was playing with the girls, we weren't playing with feminine things. We were doing gender-neutral activities, like make-believe, and coming up with stories, and imagining that we had magical powers, and imagining that we were cats, and jumping on trampolines, and watching movies, and singing, and any number of other social activities that really weren't masculine or feminine. And even in high school, when my gender identity issues were at their strongest, I was still a HUGE feminist at heart, absolutely hating it when girls had no self-confidence, and obsessed over their appearance, and acted demure and shy when they had absolutely no right to because they were amazing people. I HATED that, again, almost as much as I hated the male obsessions with sex and violence and that stupid emotionally-stoic "dude" behavior.

So you know what? In reality, my gender identity really is not exclusively male or female. And I've realized, I really don't want to change the way that I act, and the things that I like, and my behavior. (And I was trying to change these things by transitioning.) But now I don't. I still want to do the same things that I'm doing now. Yes, I have a lot of femininity in me. I speak with feminine hand gestures. I love being able to act cute and childish and silly. I love wearing short-shorts and showing off my legs and wearing clothes that actually fit against my body and show it off instead of hiding it under some stupid boxy shapeless blegh of nothingness. I love cute things. And my social tendencies are definitely more feminine than masculine. But at the same time, let's be honest, I also have a lot of masculinity in me. I like being lazy. I like being a slob, and not having to constantly worry about the social pressure to be perfect. I like going shopping in just a ratty t-shirt and shorts. I like sports, both watching them and playing them. I like being able to just sit around the house all day doing nothing without any social stigma about having to keep everything in order or feel pressure to be more social. And I would not want to have to dress up in makeup and a perfectly-matched outfit every single freaking day just in order to feel presentable.

So let's be honest, this is probably why I'm suddenly feeling so good, and feel like my gender dysphoria has gone away. Because right now, I am pretty much androgynous. And when I think about it, the last time that I really felt happy with myself in my life was indeed back in 7th grade, back when I was indeed androgynous. That was when I was still wearing short-shorts with pride, and when I was still singing soprano, and when my body was still the smooth and hairless and androgynous body of a child. And even though I got teased for it, I really did know who I was back then. It wasn't until I started changing my behavior in order to "fit in better," and my body started masculinizing thanks to puberty, that I really started feeling gender dysphoria constantly. My personality really is more androgynous than anything. And in fact, I LOVE being androgynous. I don't want to be boxed in by traditional expectations of masculinity or traditional notions of femininity. I want to be able to sit back and laugh at both of them because of how ridiculous they both are. I want the freedom to act either masculine or feminine depending on what mood I'm in. And I honestly really don't care too much about getting feminine features, as long as I don't have masculine ones, and as long as they are still just feminine enough to allow me to wear female clothing without getting weird looks.

And you know what? This is what I've been all along. Even in high school, I realized that I was not very feminine. In fact, on a scale of 0-10, with 0-4 being male, 5 being androgynous, and 6-10 being female, I've ALWAYS felt like I was a 6. Female, but only just VERY barely. And now, I am once again returning to that type of expectation. THAT is who I am.

I have decided that I am going to continue. Because one thing is for sure, my mind works WAY better on estrogen. I would NEVER want to go back to how my mind was working before. This is the first time in my life that I've felt true happiness. And another thing is also for sure. I do still want a completely female body. Yes, I am happier with the way that I look now that I'm more androgynous, and yes, it is no longer a pressing concern, but I still really want to be perceived as female. Every single time I look in the mirror and see that my physical features have become more feminine, I'm still SO happy. So yes, I still do want the soft skin that women have, and hips, and shapely legs, and a female butt, and boobs. I'm still 100% convinced that this is what would make me feel comfortable in my own skin, and truly happy with my appearance. Yes, I am getting there, but I still really do want more. And this is one of the things that was constantly pushing me, constantly making me think "NO!!! I have to keep going!" even though I was going through some doubts about the social aspects of it.

One of the whole reasons why I started this was because I did try to be more androgynous back when I was still a guy, and yet it still felt wrong. I wanted to be doing those things as a girl. And in fact, one of the very reasons why I was always so sure of my gender identity, was because I realized that I did not feel comfortable acting out my feminine tendencies as a guy, but I would indeed feel comfortable acting out my masculine tendencies as a girl. And also, I still really do want my guy parts gone. And my new mental state, with my new lack of a sex drive, has only convinced me of this more and more, because it has shown me that I really could live without them, and get along just fine.

So that is my final decision. Yes, I am a girl. And yes, I am absolutely still going to continue with HRT, and continue with eventual surgery as needed. But I am NOT the girl that I thought I was going to be. You know what? I'm NOT going to be able to fit in with the rest of the women. Because I am not a stereotyopical woman, any more than I am a stereotypical man. And once I'm a girl, I'm still going to be a rather masculine girl. I'm still going to play video games, and be lazy, and lounge around the house all day, and often not give a damn about my appearance, and just go out in jeans and a hoodie. But again, I would feel absolutely fine doing those things, as long as I can do them as a girl, while I would not feel comfortable expressing my desires for the freedom to wear feminine clothing, and show off my body, and love cute things, and act openly feminine as much as I do, as a guy. So that is my identity. I am female. But I am a very androgynous female, one who doesn't give two shits about traditional expectations of femininity. And if anyone doesn't like it, deal with it.

So yeah... I've figured it out. And for the first time in a long time, I am once again feeling happy. And I am now ready to cross the 3-month mark in this HRT regiment, continue on until my body is completely female, and the constant mental pressure and mental doubt and emotional turmoil is now gone. And I am VERY glad that I've taken the time to consider all of these things. Because now I can finally quit letting transition consume my life. Because it was. Obsessing over my appearance, and obsessing over my presentation, and making a hundred videos, and posting constantly here and on Susan's about what was going on because I was still confused, and wasting every hour of every day thinking about this and worrying about what was going on, now I can FINALLY shut my brain up and relax. I've known for a long time that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing, going on the same path that I was going on, because I was so mentally exhausted every single day. Well, I was right. And I finally cracked from the pressure. And ironically, it was on the exact same night that I finally figured out who I was again.

So now that I've finally cracked, finally reached the point where I felt like I couldn't do this anymore, I finally remembered who I was. And now I can FINALLY relax again... just let the changes happen, don't worry about them, and in the meantime just keep being myself. Don't worry about expectations. Don't worry about what anyone else says that I should be doing, and how I should act, and how I should present myself. F*** that. All it does is constantly make me feel inadequate, and make me feel like I need to be someone that I'm not. I am me. And that will never change, no matter what my gender is. And I'm not transitioning in order to change that. I'm transitioning simply because I want to feel happy with my body for the first time in my adult life, and feel completely free to be myself, whether that self feels like being either masculine or feminine on any given day.

My name is Carrie, and yet not any version of "Carrie" that I have ever known before. She is not just some distant feminine abstraction anymore. She is me. And that means all of the things that being "me" entails, masculine parts and all. And now, this transition is no longer about becoming a girl, about putting on some new self that is always happy and always social, and I feel like crap when I'm not. It's about me being me, and about me finally finding an external presentation to match the internal. So yeah. That's who I am. I am a girl more than I am a guy, but either way I'm never going to be "normal." And I'm just lying to myself if I ever expect to be. Let's face it, I'm always going to be stuck in some between-genders state, with aspects of both in me. But that's okay. It's completely okay. Because it's who I am. And it's who I feel the most comfortable being.

That is all. I'm ready to continue now. And I'm still planning on going all the way with HRT and surgery, because I LOVE being female physically. Just don't expect me to act like a lady, and we'll get along just fine. :p Because mentally, I am not 100% female. I am androgynous, and I LOVE being that way. This is who I am, and I will no longer conform to your nifty little notions of binary

gender. Society, seriously, 凸(｀0´)凸.

Anyway, y

eah. I'm back to feeling good now, and I once again feel like myself, and not like I'm putting on an act to make others happy.

Love ya!

-Carrie

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

(Side note: my God... did I seriously just post a Japanese emoticon of flipping everyone off at the same time as I posted my cute little feminine happy-singing one? Uh.... Hell, whatever, I don't care. Again, I never said that this topic would make complete sense, only that it would be honest. :p)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Crap... here's something else that I realized it could be...

Maybe the problem, and why I'm feeling so upset and jittery and so unfeminine this week could very well just be the hormonal mood shift talking. Because I have indeed noticed that my self-identity tends to be more feminine when my T levels are down, and more masculine when they're up. And it has been a VERY long time since I've experienced this "masculine" feeling, so I am now seriously thinking that this is all just because I had to switch from 100 mg of Androcur daily, to only 50 mg of spiro. If so... damn it, am I seriously going to have to put up with this for another MONTH before I can go back to the doctor and get my levels checked and my dosage increased? F***.

Yeah... the more I think about this, the more I'm starting to think that this is the case. Because in case everyone hasn't noticed, I have been feeling really irrationally angry all week... using swear words constantly, having random fits of anger where I just feel irritated and confused for absolutely no reason, and default state has NOT been happiness, it has been bitterness and confusion. Plus, I'm not feeling any of that feeling of mental calmness and clarity like I had for so long back when I was still on full doses of Androcur and E. In fact, I've been feeling REALLY wrong in the head all week. Fuzzy, confused and conflicted, and having a really hard time keeping my brain focused. This is COMPLETELY the opposite of the feeling that I'm used to when I'm feeling feminine. So yeah, all of this is quite possibly just the lack of effectiveness of the half-dose of Spiro at controlling my T levels.

EDIT: DAMN IT!!! And now that I've written the above passage, and realized that it could just be the return of my old hormones that are giving me doubts, suddenly I IMMEDIATELY started feeling more feminine again, and the state of mental calmness returned. So... God... what the hell is going on here? How much of this is hormones, how much of it is actually my mind having doubts, how much of it is just the placebo effect, and how much of it really is my actual feelings? I have NO FREAKING CLUE!!! This was so much easier back when I was still doing this DIY, because I was on full doses of everything. And as such, I knew that my hormone levels were constantly heading more toward female levels, and I constantly knew exactly where certain thoughts and feelings were coming from. Where now, since I'm only on half-doses of everything, I have no freaking way of knowing what my hormone levels are doing. And as such, I have no idea where my moods are coming from. And this sheer degree of uncertainty is driving me absolutely insane, because I have no idea where any of the thoughts and feelings are coming from.

I don't know what's going on right now. I suspect that my hormone levels are just one giant soupy mess of E and T right now, since I'm now pretty sure that the minimum dose of Spiro that I'm on is letting the T levels recover a bit. And just like my hormones are a mess, my mind is a complete mess of conflicting desires, conflicting moods, and conflicting self-identities. I mean, I just go from calm to screaming, and from happy to miserable, and from feminine to masculine to androgynous with

no freaking clue what the hell is

certain in there anymore.

Sigh... I'm so confused. And I'm so tempted to just break out the Androcur again, to test to see if these doubts really are because of T coming back or if they really are my mind having legitimate doubts. I have no way of knowing. And again, now suddenly I'm feeling COMPLETELY better, and feeling feminine again, and I have no idea why. It just feels like I'm constantly going back and forth, completely unable to stick with one conviction. My entire life has suddenly become a roller-coaster.

Anyway, rant over. Let's hope this feminine feeling stays. I always feel SO much better when I'm feeling feminine, and all of my anger and confusion and doubt just melts away. Feeling masculine, that old feeling of "brain fog" where I just feel tired and irritable all the time for absolutely no reason, SUCKS, and I'm more sure than ever that I NEVER want to go back there. I want the damned T gone FOREVER, and the sooner the better.

F*** testosterone. Seriously. It has never done a single thing good for me. All it ever does is make me feel like crap.

EDIT 2: This is getting serious. I just had a SERIOUS depressive bout. As in, bordering on a suicidal depressive bout... possibly the most depressed that I've ever felt. For a while, it felt like I had completely lost the ability to even feel happy. A few of my favorite songs came on over the casino's loudspeakers, and they did absolutely nothing for me. And when I saw happy people walking past, it felt like they were in a completely different world. And this had NOTHING to do with how I was feeling gender-identity wise. I was actually feeling quite feminine through all of this. And yet just deep down, in the core of my being, out of nowhere, I just felt like complete and total crap, for absolutely no reason. And it does NOT make sense. I had NOTHING to be depressed about. I'm not having any doubts about my body, and my gender identity was actually back to feeling right again, but then suddenly, out of nowhere, I just started feeling SEVERELY depressed.

Something is wrong. I don't know what, but something is VERY wrong here. And I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is such a conflicting mess of emotions, and my mood changes so much on the turn of a dime, that I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel so lost, and so helpless now.

I don't know if I can stay on this prescription dosage much longer. Because ever since switching to it, my mind has just been a complete mess, and it has been getting worse and worse every single week, with every single downswing lasting longer and longer. I'm VERY serious about trying to add 50mg of Androcur back into my daily dosage for a week or so, to see if my state of mind improves or not. And if it does, then at least I can be sure that it really is the testosterone messing with my head. And yet at the same time, this would be a TERRIBLE thing to do, because it means that I am messing with my prescription dosage, and when I go back for my blood work on May 6th, my T levels will be artificially deflated. But at the same time, I don't think I can live in this state of mind much longer. I have to do something, otherwise I am putting my very well-being at risk.

Help? Please?

EDIT 3: This is now the second night in a row that I have ended the day with a complete emotional breakdown. I actually started crying as I was leaving the casino floor, and my supervisor asked me "Are you okay?" And I pretty much had to reply "No, I'm not okay." And as soon as I was safely out of the building, in the shelter of my car, I COMPLETELY broke down. I cried, sobbing, uncontrollably, and didn't stop. It took a long time for the terrible feelings, and the sheer emptiness and helplessness that I felt inside, to subside. And I'm still feeling like complete crap now, even though my work day is over and I'm relaxing at home, within 20 minutes of going to bed.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Well, I guess you can chalk this up as a triple-post.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know

it is TERRIBLE forum etiquette, but I just have to say something to give me some degree of a glimmer of hope.

Basically, I have reached my breaking point. I have decided that I can't continue doing this, and cannot go on living another night feeling as crappy and depressed as I have been for the last two days. If I have to constantly feel like that every single day of my life, making my very existence a fight for survival, let's face it, I won't be alive much longer.

So, basically, I know something is very wrong with me, and I need to figure out EXACTLY what it is. Right now, I only have hunches. But I'm going to find out, damn it!!! So basically, I'm going to tackle this as would any reasonable person of science, by isolating ALL of the variables. There are three possibilities as to why I am suddenly feeling so depressed. And so likewise, I will be taking three steps to determine just what it is. The steps will be as follows:

1. It could just be an excess amount of stress from work. This was one of the worst weeks at work of my entire life. I had to stay for overtime THREE times out of five days, plus spent the entire week obsessing over my gender identity since I suddenly started having doubts, and as such I pretty much had no time whatsoever to take it easy, and as such, cracked from the sheer amount of emotional exhaustion. But now I have FINALLY reached my weekend. Tomorrow is the first of my 2 weekly days off from work. So therefore, I am going to give this at least one more day before tinkering with my HRT doses. If I find myself right back to feeling happy tomorrow, then I will know that it's just because of overwork, and the solution will simply to get more sleep, and to quit obsessing over transition so much, and just get on with my life.

2. It could be the return of the dreaded testosterone into my system, like I hypothesized tonight, or just a severe hormonal mood shift. That is why if I do not feel better after my day off, and still feel depressed and irritable, I will be adding Androcur back into my HRT routine for one week, and see what it does to my moods. If suddenly my moods improve, and I go back to feeling happy and care-free and feminine, loving every single one of the prospects of transition, then not only will I know that it is the T that is making me crappy, it is the T that is causing all of these doubts in the first place. And if this is indeed the case, I will call Dr. Weiss and ask him politely to increase my prescription dosage of anti-androgens, and everything should be fine.

3. It seriously could be the exact opposite... that it is not an excess of testosterone or a lack of estrogen, but the exact opposite... that I have finally reached female levels of both. If going back on higher doses of anti-androgens does not improve my mood, then this is indeed the case. And if it is the case, then, as much as I hate to say it, that would mean that I would have to stop HRT. Because as much as I want to be a girl, I'd rather be a guy than have to suffer through this degree of emotional turmoil every single day. I REALLY hope that this is not the case. Because if it is, I don't know what I'll do. It really would mean that every single one of my hunches was false, and that there really is no way that I am ever going to be happy inside of my own head, because neither male or female hormones was able to make me feel "right." (If this is the case, though, I might still try just going on anti-androgens alone without the E, to see if maybe I feel more "right" as a eunuch rather than female, before completely giving up.)

I pray to God that it really is the T levels coming back. Because if it is, then it can be fixed by the easiest thing imaginable... taking one extra pill every day. If it's stress, then it will take some conscious effort to fix... a pain in the butt, but still doable. But if it's HRT in general, it means the end of what I thought was going to be the biggest joy of my entire life, (and it was that way for a good two and a half months.)

I don't know how I'll go on if it really is HRT doing this. I really don't. My life will never be the same because of the sheer amount of joy that I felt, the sheer amount of rightness, and that feeling of having hope, and of liking the way that my mind worked for the first time. Going off of HRT really would feel like dying to me, because it would mean that I would never experience such happiness ever again.

Sigh... whatever. This is NOT going to be a fun week emotionally, because the pressure that is weighing down on me, and the very existence of the possibility that I might have to stop HRT, really has me feeling like a helpless whimpering kitten right now. Please God, just let this turmoil end. Let me know who I am. And let me know how I can FINALLY be happy. Be

cause, in all honestly, this week was

the absolute WORST that

I have ever felt in my entire life.

I seriously have not felt this bad since the week that I almost cut my own arm off back in 11th grade. And no, I am not going to do anything that stupid this time, and I really don't feel like I'm in any serious danger of hurting myself or anything, because my rational mind is still plenty in control despite the emotional breakdown, but that seriously is how crappy I feel. It really is that bad.

EDIT: I've been reading my old entries from back at the very end of the first month, which was the last time that I had my dosage of anti-androgens cut in half, to see how my mood compares. And here are the exact words that I used to describe my mood then: "Tired, unenthusiastic, not very feminine, and frankly I'm just really upset." "Like all the life had been sucked out of me." "No energy, no excitement, the feminine feeling isn't there, the happiness isn't there, and I just feel like crying." "God, help me! I can't stand another whole week of this!!! I'm back to feeling like nothing is truly joyful." Sound familiar? Yeah... methinks that in all likelihood this really is just a bounce back in T levels. Re-reading the old entries from the last time I had a significant T spike due to cutting anti-androgen doses, the evidence is really piling up. Well, here's hoping. That is the answer that I am REALLY hoping for, because it means that they're temporary, and that none of these feelings will be able to survive once I finally reach the point where the little obnoxious testosterone factories down in my pants are gone.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

There is a reason for the Real Life Test, counseling...etc

I would suggest the next time you visit the counselor you take a printed copy of your blog entries. Since you've gone back and forth emotionally as often as you have, it is unlikely you gave a full and accurate description of your feelings when you saw them. This assessment: "

Because I mean, most of the people I get in here are still at the questioning phase, and need help getting through coming out, and have to deal with unaccepting family, and unaccepting friends, and need emotional support, and are in a bad situation job-wise, but honestly, I'm shocked, you seem to have everything going for you, and I really don't think you necessarily need any more therapy

" doesn't match what your blogs have been saying since day one. At least the way it has read to me. Therapy IS or at least CAN BE a wonderful thing if you work on things and don't try and paint a rosy picture on your reasons for being there. You could mail or email a copy of the blog too in advance of your next appointment.

Having said that, its also true that hormones play havoc with your brain while it adjusts to the new directives. Also if your levels are fluctuating that would also be playing heavily with your mental faculties. So it is quite likely that your anti-androgen may need to be increased, however it will throw off bloodwork if you take a 2nd one. It will also make it less likely that they'd change your current dosage if it looks like it is working. The whole point of seeing the professionals is to do it the right and safe way. Why not call and request and increase dosage, worst case they say no and you have to wait a little while longer. You have doctors working with you now, don't play games.

[foxytaur (imported)]

There is a reason for the Real Life Test, counseling...etc

I would suggest the next time you visit the counselor you take a printed copy of your blog entries. Since you've gone back and forth emotionally as often as you have, it is unlikely you gave a full and accurate description of your feelings when you saw them. This assessment: "

Because I mean, most of the people I get in here are still at the questioning phase, and need help getting through coming out, and have to deal with unaccepting family, and unaccepting friends, and need emotional support, and are in a bad situation job-wise, but honestly, I'm shocked, you seem to have everything going for you, and I reall

y don't think you necessarily need any more therapy

" doesn't match what your blogs have been saying since day one. At least the way it has read to me. Therapy IS or at least CAN BE a wonderful thing if you work on things and don't try and paint a rosy picture on your reasons for being there. You could mail or email a copy of the blog too in advance of your next appointment.

Having said that, its also true that hormones play havoc with your brain while it adjusts to the new directives. Also if your levels are fluctuating that would also be playing heavily with your mental faculties. So it is quite likely that your anti-androgen may need to be increased, however it will throw off bloodwork if you take a 2nd one. It will also make it less likely that they'd change your current dosage if it looks like it is working. The whole point of seeing the professionals is to do it the right and safe way. Why not call and request and increase dosage, worst case they say no and you have to wait a little while lon

ger. You have doctors working with you now, don't play games.

Not everyone can perform a real life test , well of course this would have to be a loose in terms test that weighs the in general gender expression of a person. If I fit in bewteen androgyne and female, they better well respect that.

What im concerned cheetaking is your fear with needing to live up to the expectations of what eveybody else thinks of a "real woman", you know there really shouldn't exist such a tight benchmark. People fart, belch, say pffft.....whatever, joke around over stupid shit, monkey around etc...

Males do this but it's not like females don't do this either. I've noticed as you've become Carrie that your definetly way happier as a person and you know that's wonderful and great. But don't fret over masculine behaviour either.

Women too have an inner male in them.After all we all come fromthe same flesh. Just different karyotype.

There are going to be gorgeous females not into the plastic fantastic glittery world.(I view it as a binary gender marketing hype to promote a very rudimentary and oversimplistic sense of womanhood to get you to buy stuff but you can disagree with me on this. This is my opinion on womanhood today, it really isn't something simply defined its very complex thing)

And while hormes do play with your mind, only you can be in control. (sorta like being tempted and drawn in by the dark side of the force, think of Testosterone like that. You certainly don't wanna go the way anakin did.On a rampage of destruction LOL.....I can imagine right now a female version of a sith lord.......lol......you can ignore this im messed up P)

I wonder how I'm gonna find E like?

I still belive I'll be strong for hormones and like you I'll run into some high heels with it too.

Some very bad emotioal disturbances indeed.

NB: I should have listened to the disturbances echoing within the force. Master yodelle was right, I am going crazy.

Crazy like a vixen.

[trashcat (imported)]

Keep going hun as someone who's been though the same I know how you feel but remember it's woth it in the end

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

There is a reason for the Real Life Test, counseling...etc

I would suggest the next time you visit the counselor you take a printed copy of your blog entries. Since you've gone back and forth emotionally as often as you have, it is unlikely you gave a full and accurate description of your feelings when you saw them. This assessment: "

Because I mean, most of the people I get in here are still at the questioning phase, and need help getting through coming out, and have to deal with unaccepting family, and unaccepting friends, and need emotional support, and are in a bad situation job-wise, but honestly, I'm shocked

, you seem to have everything going for you, and I reall

y don't think you necessarily need any more therapy

" doesn't match what your blogs have been saying since day one. At least the way it has read to me. Therapy IS or at least CAN BE a wonderful thing if you work on t

hings and don't try and paint a rosy picture on your reasons for being there. You could mail or email

a copy of the blog too in advance of your next appointment.

Wolf-Pup, your post got me thinking about this. And so this morning, I have done a COMPLETE re-read of EVERY SINGLE ONE of my journal entries since day 1 of this HRT regiment. And you know what? I actually think that this is NOT true. Yes, my moods were VERY up-and-down at the very beginning of this trial... for pretty much the entire first month and a half, I was depressed just as much as I was happy. But that was NOT the case for long. Right around Day 40, at about the same time as I switched from Finasteride to Dutasteride, suddenly out of nowhere the conflict stopped. At that point, the bad days started getting less and less frequent. At the very beginning, I had like 2 days of uber-happiness, then like 4 days of depression. Over time, it became a more even mix, and then suddenly it reversed. I would have like 5 days in a row of feeling amazing, 1 day of feeling depressed, and then be right back to feeling amazing. This amazing feeling, where I just felt feminine EVERY single day, and my moods just evened out so much, lasted for an entire month. There was an entire month-long period where I pretty much had NO doubts whatsoever, and felt great almost every single day. You guys just didn't really hear about it that much, because that was also the time that I stopped posting as frequently, and went like full weeks between posts because I felt so good that I never had anything to add.

And then I switched to the official prescription dosage. And suddenly, the depression IMMEDIATELY came back. And at first, it was only in small doses at a time, a couple of days feeling bad and then going right back to feeling great. But with every single swing, the depressive bouts have been getting more and more intense, and lasting longer and longer, while the periods of happiness have been getting shorter and shorter... the exact opposite of the progression that I had been feeling while I was still on DIY doses. And this week was the absolute worst of them all. I have not felt this crappy since the week

where I had to go on half-doses of

Androcur and had to go COMPLETELY without estrogen back

near the end of the first month.

And it's feeling crappy in EXACTLY the same way... tired, unmotivated, bitter, angry, and just not feeling feminine for some reason. But there r

eally was a period of about a

month where I just felt AMAZING almost every single day, and it really did feel like the conflict was completely gone. So I am now pretty much 100% certain that this really is just a hormonal mood shift, and the dreaded T coming back into my system. The pattern of emotional ups and downs makes PERFECT sense with this all being hormonal, and really has absolutely no correlation whatsoever with life events. I went to full-time employment at work over a full month ago. And yet, although I was VERY tired and annoyed with the long hours and obnoxious guests just as much then as I am now, for some reason back then it just completely didn't phase me. I still just felt absolutely AMAZING in my head, despite external circumstances. Where now, even when I'm doing things that should be making me happ

y, they just don't, and I just feel

depressed on a core level for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

So yeah... this is hormonal. I am absolutely 100% sure of that. And I am indeed going to call my doctor and ask if it would be possible to go on a higher dose of Spiro.

EDIT: Damn it... I just called the office, and they said that there is basically nothing that I could do, except to come in and have another meeting. And the soonest that I could get an appointment is April 24th, which I honestly don't even see the point of bothering with since it's so far away. They said that I could call back if the depressive bouts get worse, and they could find a place for me, but unless that happens, I just need to wait it out. So... sigh. Those really are my options. Either wait it out, or take matters into my own hands. And both options suck. Thank God I have a therapist appointment tomorrow... I need it.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

And just so that everyone can see EXACTLY what my moods were on every single day of this HRT regiment, here is a complete list. And unlike my entries on this site, which have a LOT of week-long gaps where I didn't write, this is from my personal journal, which I have been keeping every single day since December 28, so there are NO gaps whatsoever here. These are my moods, and how feminine I've been feeling, raw and unedited, exactly as I wrote about them as they were happening, along with the dosage of meds that I was on at the time. So this is not just idle speculation, these are raw statistics, unedited, and completely open for interpretation. Interpret them as you see fit. Me myself, I see a self that REALLY did well once my T levels finally dropped to rock bottom, and TERRIBLE while it was still dropping and now that it's starting to recover. But maybe you don't agree with me. Maybe you see something that I'm not. Interpret them as you see fit.

SUMMARY OF MY MOODS ON EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THIS TRIAL:

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 2.5mg Finasteride: (Chem-castration only)

DAY 1: Happy, didn't really feel any effects though aside from maybe a little tiredness, but still felt a bit short-tempered and annoyed.

DAY 2: Happy, but tired. Feeling a bit more feminine.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 5 mg Finasteride:

DAY 3: Woke up happy, then pretty bad... Strangely masculine, less happy, hyper-sexual. And then extremely happy by the end of the day.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 5 mg Finasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed every 3-4 days: (Added Estrogen)

DAY 4: OMG, SO FREAKING AMAZING!!! Extremely feminine, BEST DAY EVER!!! (at the time.)

DAY 5: AMAZING in the morning, tired by night, EXTREMELY feminine, to the point of discomfort.

DAY 6: Calm, pleasantly happy, very feminine. Then at night, suddenly very tired and irritable, not as feminine.

DAY 7: Significantly conflicted. Very physically tired, felt disconnect with women at work, doubting.

DAY 8: Morning: still conflicted, still not very feminine. Evening: back to feeling calm and happy, but feeling gender-neutral.

DAY 9: Still feeling mostly gender-neutral, not feminine or masculine. Depressed.

DAY 10: Back to feeling happy and feeling feminine. (Lol, this 4-day pattern of alternating happiness and depression is looking disturbingly familiar...)

DAY 11: Relatively happy and feminine during the day, physically spent after work.

DAY 12: Tired, conflicted, and unfeminine during the day, AMAZING and extremely feminine by night.

DAY 13: Tired and dysphoric during the day, felt very good at night.

DAY 14: VERY feminine, happy, this was when I decided to make it permanent.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 5 mg Finasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed weekly: (Last pair of E patches from first shipment)

DAY 15: Had a terrible day emotionally... exploded at Jenny, felt AWFUL, depressed.

DAY 16: Bad and conflicted in the morning, AMAZING by night, extremely feminine. (Clothes video)

DAY 17: Feminine, but not very good emotionally... tired of having to hide it.

DAY 18: Emotionally terrible, feel bad about Jenny, very dysphoric, but very feminine.

DAY 19: AMAZING, happy, feminine, felt sex drive being completely dead. Felt like I was 12 again.

DAY 20: Tired and unfeminine in the morning, AMAZING and extremely feminine by afternoon/night

DAY 21: Up and down all day. Bad in the morning, great by mid-day, disappointed with wigs at night.

-DOSAGE: 50 mg Androcur, 5 mg Finasteride, no estrogen. (Ran out of Estrogen, had to go on half-doses of Androcur.)

DAY 22: Contemplative. Trying to decide if I really want it.

DAY 23: Starting to feel "dull grey drear" mode returning. Had a great night after seeing "girl mode" for the first time, then felt TERRIBLE by night.

DAY 24: TERRIBLE. Extremely depressed, crying, cranky, short-tempered. Lifeless.

DAY 25: Still tired and unmotivated, unfeminine, sexuality feels completely unchanged. TERRIBLE by night. SEVERE emotional explosion of anger.

DAY 26: Still in "dull grey drear" mode. EXTREMELY unmotivated, angry, bitter, depressed. Broke out into a severe fit of swearing. "One of the lowest points of my entire life."

DAY 27: Pleasant, calm, contented. Not feminine, though. Just kind of "meh."

DAY 28: Still calm and contented, unfeminine. Accidentally snapped at one of my supervisors at work.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 5 mg Finasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed weekly: (Back to full doses)

DAY 29: AMAZING!!! "everything is beautiful" mindset. Feminine.

DAY 30: Good. Very feminine.

DAY 31: Extremely feminine, but very dysphoric, impatient with lack of changes.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 0.5 mg Dutasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed weekly: (S

witched from Finasteride to Dutasteride

)

DAY 32: Conflicted, back and forth all day. This was my failed 4-week-update night where I threw off the wig in frustration.

DAY 33: Terrible. Depressed, extremely dysphoric, impatient with HRT again, but feminine.

DAY 34: Still feeling bad, depressed, and back to not feeling like putting forth effort to transition. Better by night, though. (Again, this 4-day pattern is looking awfully familiar...)

DAY 35: GREAT! Excellent in my head all day, very feminine.

DAY 36: AWESOME!!! VERY sure of female gender identity.

DAY 37: Conflicted. Realizing just how up-and-down my moods, are, feel like I "burned out my enthusiasm on my happy days."

DAY 38: Back to feeling impatient and stressed. Still feminine, though. (Side note: one thing is constant, though. Through ALL of these mental back-and-forths, I have still consistently loved every single one of the physical changes, and ALWAYS feel excited about those, and write about them like they're the best thing ever. It's just my mind that's a complete mess. A TOTAL complete mess.)

DAY 39: TERRIBLE!!! AWFUL depressive bout, suddenly felt like I had no purpose in life.

DAY 40: Back and forth between great and feminine, and then feeling crappy and impatient.

DAY 41: Generally good, LOVED feeling after shaving, recognizing problems though. (The night where I felt like Annie's problems were coming full-circle and I'd have to get over them.)

DAY 42: GREAT all day. Happy, positive, calm, very feminine. (Good Lord, here we go again...)

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 2 mg Dutasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed weekly: (Full dose of Dutasteride instead of 1/4 dose.)

DAY 43: Good. Not much else to say on the matter. First workout day.

DAY 44: Feeling completely certain of female gender identity. This was the day that I really did decide that it was 100% permanent, and I really felt like I had found myself.

DAY 45: Conflicted. Back and forth between calm/amazing, and overly-worrying freakout.

DAY 46: Great. Very personally-fulfilled. Out to high school best friend, feeling good about progress in changes.

DAY 47: Very good. Was able to act "cute" at work for first time and feel comfortable. Positive, great sense of self today.

DAY 48: Conflicted and unfeminine, not enthusiastic. But calm. Once again having "social" doubts.

DAY 49: Felt great, "more and more like a girl with every single day."

DAY 50: DEPRESSED. Feeling dysphoric and impatient again. Cried due to lack of good "girl mode," and frustration with lack of progress again. Just want it to be over. Depression almost consumed me today. Actually felt borderline suicidal. (This was the day I came out to Dad.)

DAY 51: Feeling good again, positive and optimistic about future.

DAY 52: (no entry.)

DAY 53: EXCELLENT. Calm, feminine, very happy.

DAY 54: Crappy. Physically and emotionally spent, frustrated with lack of progress, realizing I need patience to develop voice, and yet cranky about not wanting to put forth that much effort.

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 2 mg Dutasteride, two Climara-100 estrogen patches changed every 3 days: (Started changing E patches more often)

DAY 55: Good. Calm and patient all day, very feminine.

DAY 56: REALLY good. So happy I could cry, because I'm finally starting to feel good about my "girl mode," and it feels so amazing.

DAY 57: EXCELLENT. "Better than I have in my entire life." "Smile every time I think that I really am going through a female puberty."

DAY 58: AMAZING. More certain of my female gender identity than ever. Reminiscing, and seeing just how much it has stayed with me over the years, and feeling like the conflict is finally over.

DAY 59: Felt really happy. I'm still having to pinch myself because I can't believe how happy I feel.

DAY 60: Awesome, then TERRIBLE. Great in the morning, but then very whiny and mopey and impatient at night, then outright depression, end result being a junk food binge.

DAY 61: Depressed. Very severe depressive bout, extremely dysphoric. But surprisingly, better by nighttime, after I did some social activities.

DAY 62: Happy, but with some conflict. Really happy with appearance, but had a couple of bad moments.

DAY 63: Middle of the road. Generally happy, but not enough to talk about it that much. (STILL absolutely love every single one of the physical changes, though. I just can't stop gushing about them.)

-DOSAGE: 100 mg Androcur, 2 mg Dutasteride, 6 mg Estrofem: (Switched from estrogen patches to oral estrogen.)

DAY 64: AMAZING! So good, so positive about the progress, very feminine.

DAY 65: REALLY good! Extremely happy and pleasant and feminine.

DAY 66: Panic over lingering headache in morning, 100% back to being amazingly happy by night. Excellent night at work, gushing about how much I love being seen as a "smiler" by coworkers.

DAY 67: AWESOME, so happy, and very feminine, despite extreme physical fatigue at work.

DAY 68: AMAZING! Deep-seated happiness, just always feeling like I want to smile.

DAY 69: UN... FREAKING... BELIEVABLE!!! BEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! I spent a good hour straight crying out of sheer happiness, because this was the night that I realized I was finally able to see my true self in the mirror, for the first time.

DAY 70: Good. This was the day that I went public for the first time. I felt really bad beforehand, because I was so mad at myself for constantly being a coward, but I felt GREAT when it was finally over.

DAY 71: Good. Had a bit of a scare with potential liver issues, but doctor's visit eased worries. Quite good. Not excessively happy, but very self-assured.

-DOSAGE: 50 mg Spironolactone, 5 mg Finasteride, 4 mg Estradiol: (Stopped DIY'ing. Official prescription dosages.)

DAY 72: Mildly bad. Dysphoric, impatient, not feeling very happy.

DAY 73: BAD. Felt like "complete and total crap." Having some doubts, namely worrying about potential regret. (Yet, again, though, extremely happy about how I look physically.)

DAY 74: Still bad. Tired and depressed, and I was having a hard time making sense of why I didn't really feel gender dysphoria as a kid, and then suddenly as I realized just how much of my very personality was based on what others led me to do, I really started feeling empty, and wondering who I even was, and feeling like I didn't even know.

DAY 75: Really good. Happy, socially-connected, confident, "feeling great!"

DAY 76: FANTASTIC! Peaceful, "complete mental calm," extremely self-assured.

DAY 77: GREAT! Calm, happy, peaceful, at ease, completely "free from the desires of this world."

DAY 78: GREAT! This was my official 2nd time going out in girl-mode, and it REALLY felt good!

DAY 79: Middle of the road. Completely physically exhausted after bed-frame incident, but not too bad mentally. Still happy, peaceful, patient, and kind.

DAY 80: BAD. Mopey, melancholy, and self-critical in the morning, and then outright bout of depression by night, feeling VERY dysphoric and impatient.

DAY 81: Not very good. One of those days where I had to keep reminding myself why I SHOULD be feeling good, but just couldn't seem to focus on anything but the negatives. And then by nighttime, COMPLETELY depressed, once again feeling really dysphoric and impatient.

DAY 82: TERRIBLE in the morning! I had a complete and total anger meltdown where I ended up screaming and swearing at the top of my lungs. I had to call off from work because I felt so crappy. I felt better after that, though, so over-stress from work was a big part of this.

DAY 83: Mostly great. Felt really happy all day, starting to genuinely feel like I wasn't a guy anymore, but did have one severe bout of doubt after someone posted a topic about de-transitioning on Susan's.

DAY 84: AWESOME!!! Deep-seeded feeling of happiness and pleasure, alive, awake, so happy! So sure of myself!

DAY 85: AMAZING!!! First therapist appointment, and on this day I just had no doubts whatsoever, just so happy, and feeling like I'd finally found myself. "This is seriously the best thing ever!" I wrote.

DAY 86: BAD. Really rough day where I was once again questioning if I even knew myself because of how easily-influenced I seem to be. LOTS of doubts, and LOTS of depression. HUGE existential crisis, and this was when I posted the huge post about doubt on the EA.

DAY 87: BAD. Lots of doubts, feeling really conflicted, and really scatter-brained and unable to focus for some reason.

DAY 88: REALLY conflicted. Doubting, and feeling VERY impatient. Bitter, angry, yelled at traffic.

DAY 89: AWFUL!!! Had a complete emotional breakdown where I completely cracked from the stress of work. Feeling awful. Feeling tense, angry, snappy, and extremely unfeminine.

DAY 90: TERRIBLE!!! This was last night, where I suddenly felt like my female presentation was too feminine. And then suddenly, I had a SEVERE suicidal depressive bout, among the worst that I have EVER felt in my entire life, and ended the day with yet another complete emotional breakdown.

DAY 91: (today): Feeling calmer, but still just not happy on a core level. Back to feeling very "meh," unexcited about everything, decidedly unfeminine, but at least not nearly as depressed, tense, or angry anymore. I honestly feel pretty much back to the way that I was before I ever started HRT... just an unenthusiastic guy with some feminine tendencies.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Also, re-reading all of these old entries, one thing was COMPLETELY consistent. I have never had a SINGLE doubt in regards to the physical changes. And even in the midst of my most severe depressive bouts, I NEVER felt conflicted about the physical changes that were happening. Every single time that I noticed things were feminizing, I absolutely gushed about them in my journal. There seriously

is not a single moment where

I'm questioning whether the things that I am physically feeling are right or not, and yet there are practically a hundred times where I just went on and on and on about how great the physical changes felt, and about how happy that I was that I was physically feminizing.

And you know what? This is still the case. Despite how much my mind is in turmoil right now, despite how crappy and depressed I've been feeling all week, I feel AMAZING about my body! Just this morning, I woke up, and I realized that I was

starting to feel like a girl

physically, with the way that my skin and my fat deposits and my hips were feeling. And it felt GREAT!!! It feels SO GOOD physically to finally be getting a female body, and my conviction on that, since day one, has NEVER changed. And I really do mean NEVER.

So yeah... I'm convinced, even though I am having some SEVERE emotional turmoil right now, and have indeed gone back and forth many times on what my

mental gender ident

it[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" tim

e=1365063000]
y is, I am 100% convinced that I ne

ed to continue. Because continuing really will mean that I will be happy with my body f

or

the first time in my entire life.

You know, maybe I really don't fit into this world's binary gender identity molds. Because although my mental gender identity clearly is not 100% female, and seems to fluctuate back and forth depending on my mood and hormone levels, my physical gender identity clearly is 100% female. And this physical gender identity has remained 100% female since the very day that I started puberty back in 7th grade. And while I tend to despise both the male and female social roles equally, and see both good and bad in each, there is NOTHING that I see as being good about the male body, and still so many things about the female body that I envy on a daily basis.

So yeah... there's no doubt about that, I definitely do want to be physically female, and that conviction has not changed whatsoever, and is in fact even stronger than ever now, despite my emotional doubts about taking on the female social gender role.

[Hildy_ (imported)]

Being concerned with your physical gender identity, or as I have seen others put it, your sex identity (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed ... ment-13903) is, I think, downright typical for transsexuals.

In fact, that's what bothers me about a lot of the more mainstream writings I've found in my country, where it's suggested that transwomen are naturally more like women; in fact, that is how you're supposed to know. So, I thought, wanting a feminine body for myself would obviously make me some kind of weirdo, instead of trans, since I don't know of any women that can talk for hours on end on the finer details of microprocessor design and have fun while doing so, as I am wont to do.

But viewed through the lens of sex identity, my wishes suddenly make sense. That's how I need my body to be in order to feel comfy with it! Or, as my therapist put it, for me, that is perfection. But that doesn't say anything about my gender; it could be "nerd" or for that matter "strawberry flavour". The point is: it doesn't matter, it's a body image thing.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Yeah... I do think that that is the key, and I do feel like I have finally found the answer to why I have been having ALL of my depressive bouts. And it is that I need to stop looking at my gender identity as binary... that just because I am so positive that I want a female body, that I have to exclusively want a feminine identity also.

Let's be honest, since day 1 of this trial, and even long before, officially identifying myself as "transsexual" meant to me that I was officially changing my own gender identity to be exclusively female. And this is why, whenever I start feeling masculine again, due to hormones or whatever, it makes me SERIOUSLY depressed, just as much as when I used to feel feminine as a guy. Because it is a conflict with my mental gender identity. It feels like a threat to who I am, and as such makes me feel like crap. And let's be honest, looking at my past entries, it is blatantly obvious that my gender identity is NOT fixed. It varies considerably depending on what my hormones are doing. It feels more masculine during rebounds in T levels, and more feminine during the drops in T levels. And these levels are still bouncing around all over the place, so my gender identity is constantly changing. And I am fighting against that. I am trying to make myself feel exclusively female all the time, because that is what it has to be if I am "truly" transsexual. After all, girls aren't supposed to feel like guys!

Well, guess what? Now, I'm not doing it anymore. Today, and for all of the last week, I have been feeling like a guy again mentally. And yes, in all likelihood it really is nothing more than a result of the Spiro not working very well, and my T levels coming back. But here is the important part... it's okay! It's COMPLETELY okay! The depression that I've been feeling is because I WANT to view myself as female, and I'm trying to constantly keep myself in that feminine mindset, and therefore these masculine feelings feel COMPLETELY wrong to me, and like they're a threat. And so I get completely depressed and I start having doubts, because the gender that I'm trying to view myself as suddenly doesn't match the gender that I'm feeling anymore.

But here's the kicker... again, it's okay. I need to just recognize that my gender identity is not fixed. It is fluid. Yes, there are indeed days where I feel like a girl, and feel like being cute and bubbly and filling the world with smiles, and I want to grab my wigs and feel pretty and do girly stuff. But there are also days where I feel more like a guy, where I feel pretty much back to being my old self... "meh" emotionally, and not excited, and I just feel like lounging around the house all day and chilling and don't feel like putting any effort into my appearance, and am perfectly fine just living as a guy. And I need to quit fighting this, and trying to box myself in to exclusively one gender identity and one gender identity only. Because let's face it, I don't have that.

I felt like Carrie almost exclusively for about a month straight. That's fine. Where now I'm back to feeling like Charlie again... feeling almost exactly like I was pre-transition. That's fine too. BOTH of these people are me. And BOTH of them have been manifested over the last 3 months in varying degrees. And the problem isn't that one or the other is "wrong," the problem is when I feel like one, but am still trying to act like the other. So, for the last week, I've been feeling like Charlie again, but still trying to view myself as Carrie. But you know what? I'm done fighting it. Right now, I don't feel feminine anymore, I feel masculine again. And so, in a sense, for the time being I am "detransitioning" in my mind and going back to viewing myself as male identity-wise. But that does not mean that I am giving up or admitting defeat or stopping HRT and going back to being exclusively male. I FULLY expect that my feminine feelings will return very shortly, and I'll go back to viewing myself as Carrie identity-wise. And then once that feminine feeling stops again, I'll go back to viewing myself as Charlie. And in all likelihood, once I go on a higher dose of HRT, and my T levels finally start dropping again, I will indeed go back to viewing myself as Carrie almost exclusively. But again, this is okay. It's not admitting defeat and giving up, it is completely embracing who I am, and what I am feeling on the inside.

And you know what this means? The next time my hormones shift, and I stop viewing myself as the gender that I've felt for a while, it's simple, all I have to do is change my mental gender identity to go with it, so that it matches, and there will be no stress or tension to go with it, because it won't be a threat to who I am, it will just be a part of who I am.

So this is really what is going on. And in the future, I am NOT going to be trying to box myself into feeling only exclusively like Charlie or Carrie. I am going to let my gender identity change, depending on how I am feeling. And let's be honest, right now I'm not feeling feminine. At all. Right now, I'm completely back to being my old self emotionally. Today, I'm not uber-happy, and I don't

feel like dressing up in "girl mode,

" I just feel like my typical "meh" mode, and feel like the same guy I used to be for my first 2 years on this site. But again, it's okay. It's what my hormones are telling me to do, and therefore there is no way that I can fight it, I can only embrace it, and live viewing myself as masculine until my T levels start dropping again.

And you know what? For the first time EVER since going onto this prescription dosage of HRT meds, I am actually feeling like I can wait it out... like it's not the end of the world, and that I really can just be myself and stop worrying, regardless of how I'm feeling. Because there is one VERY important change. My physical body is now indeed no longer exclusively male, and I have lost a TON of weight. And as such, I am now no longer feeli

ng like crap about that constantly. Physically,

I am feeling more and more like a girl with every single day, so now I don't feel the pressure to escape my physical reality as much any more, and as such I really do have the freedom to feel like absolutely whoever I want. And it feels great!

Anyway, that's my latest revelation. Hopefully this midset will stay. Because right now I really do feel great again, even though I'm not feeling like a girl mentally anymore. (And again, physically

is a whole other matter. I still

feel VERY feminine physically, and I still LOVE it, and it still feels SO AMAZING, even though my mental gender identity is more masculine right now.)

(Side note: thank you for that link to the blog post, Hildy, that was absolutely excellent, especially the part about using various things as outlets to express one's gender identity. I did indeed do that a LOT, to kind of "assert my femaleness." And to some degree, I think my "girl mode" was indeed a way of doing this, which I don't feel the need for as much now that my body really is actually becoming female.)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

UPDATE: about to go in for my 2nd laser hair-removal appointment! YAY!!! (It's at 11:30 this morning.)

The first one, all on its own, took out a good 50% of the stuff. I've barely had to shave at all since about a week after my first session, and my face has been SO smooth compared to how it was. It has only grown back fully in isolated patches. So I am REALLY looking forward to this! If the first session did that much, imagine where I'm going to be after 2! I really am on the path to having a completely hairless, smooth face again! YAY!!!

I also have my 2nd therapy session later today, and I'm sure I'll have WAY more to talk about than I did last week, so I'll post about that too.

Wish me luck!

(Side note: after yesterday's revelation about just what it is that makes me transsexual... not necessarily feeling "masculine" or "feminine," but rather the gender identity and sexual identity that I feel deep down, which is indeed female, I am feeling MUCH better. I felt great all day yesterday, and still feel great today even though I'm still feeling "masculine," because now I don't feel like that feeling is a threat to my identity anymore. So this is a TRUE revelation, that I believe has finally cured my awful mood swings and depressive bouts and doubts and uncertainty. So, yeah, my identity, and my future, are set now. Just call me Carrie, and let the changes come! I eagerly await them, and the future that is before me... a future with a body that I finally like!)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DAY TWO:

Well, yay, I have indeed now made it past the three-month mark. But honestly, I really do not feel like celebrating. Because I am now 100% convinced that my T levels have risen back up SIGNIFICANTLY. For the past three months, every single day, I was able to look in the mirror and feel like I was getting more and more feminine with every single day. Every day, my skin looked smoother, my features softened more and more, I started looking more and more young, more and more "cute" instead of like I had the adult angularity in my

face, and I felt more and more feminine. Well, as

of yesterday, for the first time, I looked in the mirror and it looked like that same feminine glow is gone. My face looked more masculine for the first time in three months. I looked older, my brows looked heavier, my face

looked more angular, and it just looked

like I had completely lost that feminine "glow." And today, it's gotten even worse

. Every single time I look in the mirror,

all I can see is a guy once more. And I just don't know what's changed. All I know is that, just one week ago, I was feeling very much in the androgynous realm, where now it look

s like I've crossed back into th

e masculine re

alm, and things are starting to go backwar

ds, after three straight months of progress. And this i

s not just my mind playing tricks on me,

seeing things that aren't there because I'm making assumptions that my T levels have gone back up. Because looking back at the pictures that I took just last week, I can indeed still see that "glow," that youth and "cuteness," which I can't see at all in the mirror anymore. So I really do genuinely believe that I am now making negative progress.

Also, I am feeling more masculine in my head than I have since before this HRT regiment even got started. For some reason, I felt like doing things that I have not been interested in in months... playing poker, and playing Magic: the Gathering, and playing video games. Because for some reason, my mind just felt like doing activities that were time-wasters. I didn't feel happy anymore, and didn't feel like going outside. I feel like I'm back in "dull gray drear" mode where I just want to be left alone, and just want to lock myself up in my room all day wasting time in order to cover up my lack of joy. That feminine "happiness" and "brightness" feels completely gone. Again, my mind just feels like it is drifting back into this foggy kind of feeling, where I'm constantly short-tempered, irritable, and only half alive. When I lost at poker, I once again had that "threat to my masculinity" feel where I just wanted to hit my computer and swear at the other person for being stupid. And when my door got stuck, I didn't feel calm about it whatsoever, I spent like 5 minutes yanking and pulling and banging on the damned thing, yelling at it, to try to get it to dislodge. And again, these feelings of compete bitterness and anger and masculine "threat," that feeling like when you fail at something it's a personal attack on you, I have NOT experienced these feelings for SO long, I had completely forgotten about how much I was dying to escape from them in the first place.

I don't feel like a girl anymore. I feel like my old stupid male self. And here's the really strange part... I'm feeling transsexual again. For the longest time, I really wasn't feeling that way anymore, because I felt like my life as a girl had officially begun. Well, now it's gone again. Aside from the feeling of smooth skin, which is indeed still there, I just can't feel any femininity left in me. And for the first time in what's probably a month or more, I am once again feeling gender dysphoria... feeling like what I have is wrong, and seriously wishing that it could be female. I'm right back to envying girls. I'm once again starting to envy absolutely everything about them, and severely wish that I could be one, be

cause everything that I have, everything t

hat I feel, is once again starting to feel wrong.

This is it. I cannot wait anymore. I'm going to go ahead and schedule that earlier appointment with my doctor, even though it's only going to be about a week and a half earlier than the one I already have. I don't care. I can NOT put up with this for another whole month. It's becoming blatantly obvious to me that the Spiro is having pretty much NO effect on me whatsoever, and that my T levels have rebounded SIGNIFICANTLY. This is now an entire week in a row where I've felt masculine every single day, and felt like the T levels were rising, without fail. I have not had a SINGLE day where I've felt feminine in the least. And, well, I know I said that I was having doubts a while ago. Well, those are once again gone. Because now that I'm back in this mindset, I have realized VERY quickly what I was so adamant about escaping in the first place. I reported yesterday that I decided I was okay feeling masculine as long as I still had that female sexual identity to anchor me. Well, now you can throw that right out the window. Because as I speak, that female sexual identity is now slipping away from me as I'm making negative feminization progress thanks to T coming back. And again, now that I'm back to feeling this way, I'm remembering very well why I felt such a need to escape it in the first place. This is NOT me. This is not me in any way, shape, or form. Because I'm feeling dysphoric again. I feel like my mind's not working right anymore, and my very happiness is gone, and my very identity is slipping away. I need to get into the doctor's office and FAST, to get my dosage of anti-androgens picked up by a significant margin. Because it's blatantly obvious to me right now that my minimum dose of Spiro is NOT working, and that right now the prescription that I have is pretty much useless. Because after all, E can't even work if T is getting in the way, since they bind to the same receptors. And right now, I seriously feel like the T has become dominant again. It's not quite back up to the same levels that it was at pre-HRT, because I still do feel just a little bit calmer than I did before, and I'm still not back to getting spontaneous erections, at least not like I used to, but still, I can NOT put up with having a T-dominant endocrine system again, and feeling like I'm making negative progress. The prospect of ANYTHING masculinizing again is an absolutely mortifying thought to me.

What the hell was I thinking? How could I POSSIBLY have thought that I didn't want to continue? How could I have POSSIBLY forgotten what this feeling was like, and forgotten how much I HATE feeling male? How could I have possibly forgotten what it's like to not have that feeling of feminine happiness anymore, and that "Sense of self," and the AMAZING feeling that comes from feeling like your body is FINALLY headed in a direction that you actually like? Because I did. I let my doubts consume me, and for a time forgot why I was doing this in the first place. Well, now I remember. I remember quite vividly. Because now I'm stuck right back where I started, and it SUCKS!!! Having not felt gender-dysphoria in so long, I had forgotten what it's like. And again, it SUCKS!!! I NEVER want to have to feel this nightmarish feeling of hating the very thoughts that are in my own head EVER again!!! F*** testosterone. F*** it. F*** every single damned thing to do with it. I'm serious, looking back, every single day that it was at its lowest levels, I felt SO happy, and SO peaceful and calm and content. And ever since it started bouncing back, I have felt absolutely nothing but misery, misery, depression, misery, and more misery.

Anyway, rant over. The only good thing about this is that, for the first time in a while, I am once again 100% sure about my identity as female, and that I really am not going to be truly happy until I'm a woman. I let my doubts consume me. And I let myself fall into despair because I was trying to live up to the ideal image of what I would need to act like as a girl in order to blend in. Well, f*** that. I was wrong. I don't need those things in order to be happy, I just need to be a girl. Deep down, on a core level. And that no longer means that I need to be happy all the time, or bubbly all the time. Because as a girl, I'd still be a real person, and still have the same full range of emotions that I do now. And I don't expect that now. I just want to be able to be myself. Whether that self is feeling silly, serious, excited, tired, happy, sad, feels like socializing, or feels like sitting around watching sports. But one thing is consistent. I want to feel those feelings, and do those things as a girl. Because even though I can do them as a guy, I don't feel happy doing them. I just feel trapped in a bland emotionless nothing, hating my body and hating the very thoughts in my own head.

I did have my second meeting with my therapist today. And basically, I told her that I had been going through a period of doubt, and a period of depression. And at first, I did NOT tell her the revelation that I had come to about why I was feeling this way, I just described the feelings, told the story, and waited to see if she would come to the exact same conclusion that I did. And guess what? She did come to the exact same conclusion. That as a girl, I was trying to live up to unrealistic expectations, and trying to force myself to always be more feminine. And yet, that my identity very clearly was female. And the problem wasn't that, it was that I needed to adjust my views on what being a girl would mean. And I have. And again, now it's gone. Damn it. (My therapist was VERY happy with this session, though. She said that she felt she really got to know me better. And she still feels like I am in a MUCH better position than a lot of her other clients, because she recognizes that I am a VERY honest thinker, one who is constantly thinking about my decisions fully, and is very self-aware and very honest with myself, and she feels like I really do know who I am down on a core level, and that I really don't seem worried about putting on a show just to impress others. She actually said that if I had come in as a girl and been happy and bubbly all the time, and seemed like I had no conflict whatsoever, THAT is when she would have been worried about me.)

We had a wonderful chat about what gender is and what gender isn't. Such as, being an extrovert or an introvert has nothing to do with gender identity. Nor does being neat or sloppy, silly or serious, logical or emotional, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving, high libido or low libido, active or lazy. These things are independent of gender. Hell, even "masculine" and "feminine" are independent of gender. She talked about how she herself is not very feminine, and a lot of men she knows are way more feminine than she is. But these are all just the things that make us who we are. And if we're believing that we are transgender because we want to change these things, want to be more extroverted, or want to be more emotional rather than logical, or want to be neater rather than sloppy, we are not trying to change our gender, we are trying to change our very selves. And when we try to do that, we are only kidding ourselves. Gender is independent of these things. It is completely based on a self-identity, on a sense of who you are on a deep level, independent of personality, and based on a deep-seeded identity, a feeling of who you are.

For me, I realized, that self is indeed female. But I was indeed trying to change some of these things by transitioning. (Falsely.) And that is what was making me depressed, and why I was having all the doubts I was about how others would perceive me... because the girl I was imagining becoming was indeed someone that I'm not. And so when I imagined it, it felt wrong to me. So what needed to change in order to deal with these doubts was not my gender identity, it's just that I needed to be realistic, and see that girl as being my true self, in every regard of what it means to be me, instead of feeling like I needed to change in order to please others and fit that ideal "feminine" image better. And there really is no doubt that my identity is indeed female... because again, even in the midst of all of these doubts, I still had a VERY deep desire to be female physically.

So therapy really is going EXCELLENTLY. I had a WONDERFUL session today, and it's VERY reassuring to feel like she believes I am indeed on the right path, and that the revelation that I came to yesterday about my gender identity is the exact same one that she did, without me even telling her. And again, our discussion was absolutely wonderful. I am definitely going to keep seeing her every week until this whole hormone issue is sorted out.

Also, I did have my 2nd laser hair removal session today. And it was WAY more painful the 2nd time, because apparently the laser was on a low setting last time, but this time she turned it up to full power because I hadn't had any adverse reaction to it the first time. And man, this time I REALLY felt like I was getting zapped. My lower face was really red afterward, looking like the entire thing was covered in razor bumps. It did, however, diminish after a couple of hours, and is now back to looking pretty much normal, but yeah, this session was definitely not as easy as the last one. I had to put an ice pack on my face for 10 minutes or so afterward to calm the sensation of warmth all over my face down. But nonetheless, the prospect of having a smooth face again is still really exciting. I just wish I could have my feminine skin back to go with it. Laser hair removal just doesn't feel as exciting without the prospect of looking like a girl to go with it.

Anyway, that was today. In terms of self-actualization, and feeling like I know who I am once again, it was AMAZING. In terms of how I actually feel, though, it FREAKING SUCKS!!! I just want to go back to feeling feminine again, as soon as possible. I'll be calling Dr. Weiss again tomorrow, and taking that earlier appointment. Because I can't wait until May 6. And I don't think cutting it short by a couple of weeks could possibly result in anything but less time spent feeling like crap, and less time feeling gender-dysphoric all over again. Because I think it's blatantly obvious that my T levels have rebounded, and a simple blood test should reveal that very quickly so that I can go on a higher dosage of Spiro. (Damned Spiro... I hate you. Why can't you just be Androcur? I KNOW that that stuff works.)

Sigh... anyway, that's it. These n

ext few weeks are going to be a serious test of endurance. Maybe I'll get lucky and the feminine feelings wil

l return, but I'm starting to doub

t it more and more with every single day. I've now been feeling more masculine every single day for like an entire week straight, after a month straight of feeling unbelievably feminine while I was still on the full dose of Androcur instead of a half-dose of Spiro. So yeah... sigh... it's going to be hard. It's MUCH harder to put up with this masculine "dull gray drear" mindset now that I know how amazing it feels to escape it. I'm not going to be a very pleasant person for the next few weeks while I'm waiting to go on a higher dose of Spiro.

Anyway, later!

-Charlie/Carrie

(only using both names because I REALLY do not feel like the latter right now emotionally, so it feels like I would be tarnishing her name to use it on such a bitter, angry post.)

[plix (imported)]

Oh my goodness, I am so far behind! I've been following your blog and have been meaning to comment, but the demands of grad school do not always allow the time for that. Plus the posts keep coming faster than I can comment on them, but that's OK

Lately I have been feeling in pretty much the same position that you described (at least in earlier posts - your latest post seems to suggest feeling fully female again, but as I said, I'm behind!) - the one about feeling somewhere in between male and female. I know I am not female, but at the same time, I don't feel entirely male either. I agree with you that gender is often much too compartmentalized. Not everyone is going to identify as exclusively male or exclusively female. I think a lot of times, at least in my case, the stereotypical roles that accompany the definitions of each gender are at least partially to blame. If being a man didn't mean I am expected to behave a certain way, I would probably be more comfortable identifying as one. The strange thing with me is that when I am on T, I am generally content with being male, but when I stop taking it, the gender issues start to pop up.

Spiro is a much weaker antiandrogen than Androcur, and 50 mg is practically nothing. I suspect that you are right about the switch from your own regimen to the one prescribed by your doctor playing a role in what you have been experiencing recently. 4 mg of oral E is not a great deal either. I remember a lab test showing me at 118 pg/ml on 4 mg of oral E, which would be on the low end for a woman. From what I understand, injectable E is the best delivery method for getting levels high, though at one point you seemed to feel pretty good on the pills, so that is something to weigh as well. Also keep in mind that I am not a doctor. so the preceding should not be construed as medical advice!

I think that making an earlier appointment with your doctor would be a good idea. I am a bit surprised that they aren't willing to adjust your dosage over the phone - I have had dosages changed on my medication with a simple phone call to my doctor. But of course your medications have consequences that can be measured by bloodwork while mine does not, so that could be why!

My thoughts are that the negative changes you are seeing in your face really is just your mind playing tricks on you. Changes that dramatic do not happen in just a week, even if your T levels have increased. Plus the kind of mood you are in can play a role in how your face appears. I am sure the "glow" and "cuteness" is still there!

As you mentioned, people of all genders feel angry and bitter at times, so just because you are Carrie does not mean you won't have ups and downs, but I certainly hope you are able to once again feel as wonderful as some of your previous posts have described soon!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

^Well, yeah, over the last week or so I have just been writing entries at a mile a minute because my moods have been so wild, and I've been having such a hard time figuring out what the heck the problem was. Thanks for trying to keep up. It does really mean a lot to me that people are indeed reading, and do indeed care, despite how much of a ranty stream-of-consciousness writer I tend to be. It really does make this whole process a whole lot easier when I have such great support.

All right, anyways, in regards to what's going on today, I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I'm still not really feeling much better than I have for the last few days straight. I still feel masculine, I still feel completely frustrated, and I still feel like I've completely lost that feminine feeling of happiness that I had taken for granted for so long, but has now been completely gone for an entire week straight. I do feel calmer than I was yesterday, but honestly I suspect it's only because I had a LENGTHY crying session last night where I let all of the pain out by sobbing uncontrollably while I listened to songs of lamentation like "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LLtplpCW4o) and "Will the Sun Ever Shine Again?" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx9qE60VVOU) and "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4F_cXGQN9k). And I also had a very emotional prayer session where I basically just asked God to take care of this, to keep me safe, to help me finally reach a place where I feel like myself, and keep me there. So today, it's not like I really feel better, but at least I don't feel as bad anymore, because it does feel like I've finally gotten all of the hurt out of me, and I feel emotionally satisfied with that. I'm at least able to feel non-depressed, and able to go back to my life, even though I'm still feeling pretty bad about the gender situation, and still REALLY miss what I had just a few short weeks ago. But instead of focusing on the pain, focusing on the hurt today, I'm trying to focus on the hope... on the most important thing that I could possibly realize... that this pain is completely 100% temporary. One way or another, I AM going to eventually get on a dosage of Spiro that actually works for me, and I am going to continue transition. This period of T-level rebound is temporary. Very much temporary. In the grand scheme of things, a tiny little blip on the radar. After all, what's a month of feeling like a guy compared to the whole lifetime ahead of me where I'll FINALLY get to be my true self? Thinking about that, focusing on the destination rather than the flat tire that's temporarily knocked me off of the highway, is a BIG help. I feel very hopeful rather than hopeless again. And the reason I was having that borderline-suicidal depressive bout a few days ago was because I did indeed feel hopeless at the time, and let that hopelessness consume me. But that's definitely better now. I know who I am again, and even though it sucks that I can't be her right now, I know what I want, I'm

more convicted than ever that

it's what I want, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen. And it's just a matter of time. This is, in all likelihood, my last year on earth as a male. And that is a VERY awesome thought.

The good news is, I did indeed call Dr. Weiss's office to ask for a sooner appointment. And, well, remember how a couple of days ago I reported that the earliest available appointment was like April 24th? Well, guess what? One just opened up WAY sooner. So now I have moved my blood work appointment up from May 6th, which was still almost a full month away (good God...) to April 18th, next Thursday. So YAY!!! With any luck, I'm only going to have to put up with this damned masculine mindset for one more week. That, I can do. (God, I can't wait... this T level spike SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I SO cannot wait to start feeling feminine again. And maybe I finally really will know what my actual blood levels of hormones are, after having not known for sure during this ENTIRE 3-month HRT regiment. Sheesh. That has caused me so much grief and uncertainty, it's ridiculous.)

Anyway, that's it. I am NOT looking forward to work tonight, because I still feel pretty crappy, but it's okay... just one week left of this, and then hopefully I'll FINALLY be back on the path toward feminization after an obnoxious 2-week setback.

[Jorge2008 (imported)]

Spiro is a rather mild antiandrogen. Have you considered Provera instead? I was taking Spironolactone earlier this year and it did nothing to curb my T level.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Another thought just occurred to me. Perhaps the doctor knew that 50 mg of Spiro was not going to be enough, but because I was a new patient, and becaus

e I didn't have a therapist letter,

and I pretty much just walked in there asking to be put on an HRT prescription, he intentionally started me at low doses, to make sure that I didn't have any adverse reactions first, and to make sure that if it turned out that I wasn't transsexual according to a therapist, that I wouldn't have the potential to be doing any serious damage to myself, or causing substantial changes. That's another possibility that I completely had not considered. So maybe now that I will indeed have a therapist letter, and will indeed have blood pressure readings and T-level tests and real-life experience data to see how I'm responding to the drugs, he will indeed put me on a more normal HRT-appropriate dose. I think that might be a possibility as well. I know that HRT is a touchy thing, one that doctors want to ease people into to make sure they're responding to it okay, and that starting someone on the ABSOLUTE minimum dose is indeed very common, so I think this definitely might be the case, especially since my current doses are pretty much half of the dose of estrogen and one quarter the dose of Spiro that the internet site I got my original doses from in the first place recommends. (It recommends 6-8 mgs of oral Estradiol, and 100-300 mgs of Spiro [saying that 200 mgs is more common], while right now I'm on 4 mgs of estradiol and 50 mgs of Spiro.)

I'll find out next week, I guess. Until then, back to the grind. Hopefully I'll finally be able to chill and quit having to post all of this emotional baggage on this topic every single freaking day.

On a positive note, though, my metabolism is definitely back up. I have had THREE junk days this week due to needing to use food to calm my mind down, plus two questionable meals involving sugary BBQ chicken with potatoes, and carb-infested shepherd's pie covered in potatoes and stuffed with corn, and yet somehow I've still managed to lose 3 lbs. I'm now down to 234.8 lbs, a whopping 11 lbs below the previous lowest weight that I've ever been. And my waist measurement just dropped to 36". So at least I can enjoy having a male metabolism again while it lasts, and not feel guilty eating at the sushi buffet three times within a single week. (It always calms me down.)

[foxytaur (imported)]

Careful with the snacks, carbs and sugar Carrie. You know the drill but of course 50mg of spiro isnt going to do much.

Usually 100mg is the avg or standard. Anything above will render T extremely low.

(I want to go no further than 100mg on spiro btw to achieve good femenization results on a safe highish dose of pure Estradiol beta 17)

T libido doesn't bother me too much. Ive heard gals taking up to 200mg even but told to

reduce foods containing potassium. Avocados and bananas are prime examples)

I know you desire high Spiro but as a diuretic it can raise the amt of potassium in blood stream very very high. Its why it so dangerous to take really high spiro doses.You can get Hyperkalemia if you don't watch out P.

I think this is reason why many TG/S gals opt for alternatives such as cyproterone acetate if T cannot be reduced to desired levels.

(side effects included LOL, you just gotta love them labels)

You were probably recomended to drink lots of water too:D

But yeah your doing the right thing in slowly introducing spiro and E.

Wish you luck Carrie. Please post pics of your status. It offers me hope i'll transition with relative ease too.

Pretty please!!!

NB = High doses of potassium-chloride (Ka+ ions) are injected to prisoners undergoing lethal injection. It's the final injection that kills the host really P. Forces the heart to stop.