About my desire for castration

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

It seems that my balls are shrinking. A few years ago I bought a steel ball stretcher with an inner diameter of 34 mm, which was so tight that my balls went almost immediately cold and purple. So took the bigger size 38mm. Later I bought a second ball stretcher.This morning I was wearing both my ball stretchers and pulled one stretcher to see how much skin my scrotum had - and then suddenly one after the other my balls sliped out of the stretcher. I was very surprised and happy. "Hurrah, my balls are smalller. This is the beginning of the end. It feels like castration comes closer!" They feel also smaller. Maybe there is an other more logic explanation; that the skin went thiner. It is also that after stretching it feels that my balls are gone as a good fried recently said about a photo of my balls in the stretchers:"Your balls look so alone as they don't belong to your body." He is right. I like the idea that my ball stretchers are probably soon useless toys for me.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

The Dutch radio broadcasts now, this very moment a program about transgender and the whole scale of identities between man and woman. I feel a kind of 'itching' in my testicles, an awareness of still being there, and a tension in my body. The eunuch in me wants to get out.

My family doctor retires and I'll have a new and young family doctor at January 1th. I hope it will be easier to talk to him about my castration desire.

Some weeks ago I changed my avatar text: "Kom Ruin, Ruintje kom!" in English: "Come Gelding, Little Gelding come" I like the Dutch word Ruin and the animal Ruin.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I wrote that I want a castration and that a penectomy and nullofication are fantasy, but to be honnest while playing with my testicles and penis,

tucking those bodyparts inside my groin to get a smooth look down there, I become aware that I like to be a nullo. The point is that I'm a naturist and think that a naturist with an empty scrotum will be seen as rather 'normal'. I have seen some men naked in a sauna with an empty scrotum, nobody seemed to perceive that. I believe that even a lacking scrotum will be seen as 'normal' or as the result of a medical intervention. I wouldn't harm me to be naked without testicles and scrotum, anybody may see that. Without a penis? That seems to be more difficult for me. How about 'no penis' in a community where not having a penis is natural? Then it is natural, no problem, but I am not always in a community where being naked and not having a penis is normal. The caring power of such a community must be so warm and strong that it reaches ouside the group too. There still another point. The penis is a hose too, very practical. Can I imagine always to pee standing? Not now, maybe later. I don't mention the penis in relation to sex. I have hardly any sex. That will be reduced to 'no cock suckers' anymore.

Being a nullo, would look nice, but when I watch my hairless groin with the sac and balls and the tiny shrunk penis I think: "How sweet and nice."

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Being a nullo, would look nice, but when I watch my hairless groin with the sac and balls and the tiny shrunk penis I think: "How sweet and nice."

Last I was on two mornings waking up with the strong thought: "No don't do that! Don't let you get castrated." I seem to like my genitals.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

At April 19th I'll have an intake for a therapy. It is about my sadness because of the suicide of a lover (who was also into "balls") and my wish to get a referral for the transgender clinic, VUmc transgender team. We'll see.

[Prismatic (imported)]

At April 19th I'll have an intake for a therapy. It is about my sadness because of the suicide of a lover

I know how hard that can be, and I'm sorry that that had to happen to you. Even if it feels like it might be, it's not your fault. It takes a truly compassionate soul to stay with someone who is suicidal, regardless of what happens in the end. Try not to beat yourself over it. I'm sure you must be a really good person.

[Paolo]

My condolences on your loss.

[fhunter]

I am sorry to hear about your loss, Peter47-NL

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Thank you for your friendly words. It has happened 11 months ago, but when they/we talk about him I still begin to cry and can hardly stop. I saw him as my last great love. My new house docter adviced me recently to talk with therapist. The way he killed himself was so horrible. A car crash in the middle of the night againt a pillar of a high way in such a way that it couldn't be an accident, it was on purpose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_S9q1tTodQ

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Today I visited my new GP (house doctor) to get a second hearing aid after a desastrouse double otitis media. We also talked about my psychological therapy cause by the suicide of my friend and that there was an other point about which I feel ashamed of to talk about: my desire for a castration. I started to say that is was about transgender. "Do you want to become a woman? " he asked. "No, more a fase in between: a eunuch." I said. "I'll help you with the referral letter for the VMmc Transgender team." I told him also that I have felt insane about my castration desire. "No, you are not insane, I don't see you that way, you are not an insane person. I know insane persons, you are not. It is good to talk with the people from the gender team." Thanks doc! Thank you very much!

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Funny, but suddenly I see a relation between several facts in my life and the desire for castration. I was about 12 years old and we were with our family on a camping, sitting on the ground and eating. My father had his shorts on and wide underwear. I had a very good few on his hairy scrotum. This hairy scrotum gave me the feeling of a strong repulsion - disgusting!!!!

About the same age my father took me out for a walk and told me about sex. That night I have cryed all night. I was a product of such a dirty act.

Many years later, at university I did a test about dyslexia. I had no dyslexia but a disorder in spelling and some other disturbances, which were ample compensated by my very high IQ. AND the psychlogist told me also:"You don't know who you are. We don't know how your indentification with your father was."

My father wanted me to follow him in his footsteps, work and hobbys. I refused at first but "accepted" later.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Next month I'll attend a general briefing meeting for grown-ups with Genderdysfory by the Genderteam of the VUmc, Amsterdam.

There will be a global summary of the traject.

-The role of the nursing consultant, coordination and practical items.

-Diagnostic phase medical psychology,

-Social transition & Hormone-phase endocrinology,

-Transvision Care, Patients-organisation Transvision,

-Fertility, Gynaecology,

-Depilation,

-Surgical phase: summary genital adapting surgery, Plastic surgery,

-Questions and closing of the meeting.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Yesterday I was at this general briefing meeting. I was surprised by the number of people. The huge auditorium was almost completely full. It was very good that I went. A psychotherapist spoke so warmly, so the coldness made by my last therapist melted away. I look with optimism forward to my meeting with the doctor and nurse at March 8.

I'm telling more people about my contact and reason with the clinic. I use as first sentence simply: "My balls have to be cut off." That makes everyting clear in one simple line and I get surprised enthusiastic reactions, which surprises me at my turn.

[cutnbulls2ox (imported)]

Once most people get passed acting shocked or thinking they should appear shocked or afraid, most people, especially grown men, are very interested in learning about human castration. Usually people only hear jokes or brief mentions of castrated men. But never get to hear any serious facts or discussions about castrating men. Most men past 30 years old do want to learn more about castrating men and what happens when men get neutered and why.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I skiped the word Asexual from my profil about my sexual orientation. It used to be "Gay - Asexual" now it is just "Gay". I wished to be completely asexual and I had a very low sexdrive too, but not completely sexless. It was and is like some eunuchs tel about there sexlive, which is not complete sexless either: flacid shrunk penises, clear or almost clear cum, dry orgasms, cuddle with a very low frequency of the act.

Recently I found the male only Naked Parties again. It is amazing what can still be done with a weak shrunk dick. I've always said that you make sex with your whole body and mind.

Therefore was the word "Asexual" incorrect in my profile.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

On this hot sunday I'm playing with my penis and balls. I imagine that my balls have gone, invisabe hanging down between my groin by a metalballstretcher. My penis is reduced to a covered glans, kept there by a rubber band also keeping the wrinkled foreskin as a turban on top. How nice is it to fantasize about having a penectomy in all possible different shapes and forms.

[CircItaly (imported)]

I am sorry to hear about your loss, Peter47-NL

+1, feel free to pm me if you feel too alone and need a chat with a stranger

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

+1, feel free to pm me if you feel too alone and need a chat with a stranger

Thank you IncestCirc. You are right. Since puberty I tuck my penis and balls inside my abdomen and since the computer I photoshop handsome guys into nullo's. I have a book with a photo of a 16 yo naked nullo boy from India. That photo is so exciting and when I see it, I want to be like him.

On the other side "What will the neighbours say?" do I really want to get nullofied. Possible yes, with many steps to go.

[CircItaly (imported)]

a proper published book?

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

a proper published book?

Yes a proper published book, but I do'nt see in my library anymore so I can't give you the exact title and publisher.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

My desire for a castration has gone. I keep my balls

[T van Keel]

My desire for a castration has gone. I keep my balls

How did it happen you changed your mind? Is that a result of your consultation at the VUmc?

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

It is the tide.

http://forums.eunuch.org/showthread.php ... post272161

I stay to "I keep my balls", but the fantasy about castration and penectomy is still there. I still like the stories too.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

The desire for a castration, being eunuch and having friends like me is fully back again. The feeling is so strong I can't beat it.

This waiting and longing for a castration is so hard.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

When it no longer comes and goes but is the only driving force behind every moment of your existence,

Then you should do something about it. Not before as it is rather permanent