Saw my therapist today.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

When I was 3 I was molested by my father only once but that was enough. At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. At around the same time I became a fanatical christian. I learned from my Christian friend that we need to repress sexual thoughts. In 1994 after reading the Bible and recalling Matthew 5:29,30 Cut off a member of your body and cast it in Hell fire if it offends you stuff.. So I made a promise that if I masturbated again I would cut it off.. 2 days later I masturbated.. A voice claiming to be God came to me and told me to go baptize myself in the nearby river. After I did the voice then said "Now you must fullfill ALL your promises!" so for 4 years I had a voice telling me to cut my dick off because God demanded it. Then 1998 I stopped being a Christian and became a Buddhist. All that weight of Gods judgement on me was uplifted. But then a new voice came to me.. It was the voice of my Lama (Buddhist Teacher) and for 12 long years it called me a monstrous pervert and would call up sexual idea's with children babies, woman, men it was RELENTLESS it went on for 12 years it drove me absolutly crazy. in 2015 my Lamas voice finally left me. When he left me I was able to stop masturbating without any force of willpower.. I just stopped. I was Happy.. I never felt so content and happy.. then in May of 2016 the Lama voice came back and I started Masturbating again. He did leave in August but I still Masturbated.. I had been frustrated with this masturbating stuff again. I Loathed it.. I hated it. I hated my self for doing it. I told my Therapist this and he wondered why I felt this way.. I told him because I didnt feel in control.. He wondered why I felt I needed to control my masturbation Habits because He asked me if my masturbation habits intruded on my capacity to live life? Was it causing any real problems. There are men who Masturbat 25 times a day and they have a problem with it.. I'm just doin it once a week. Why do I feel not in control? and It came out Because I didnt want to be like my father who coouldnt control himself from molesting me.. I was worried I would be like my father. THIS IS WHY I am so frustrated, against, determined to stop with masturbating because I feel it shows I dont have control of myself. If I can control my Masturbation I can make sure I wont repeat my Dads behavior. I told him him how I had been thinking of becomming a Eunuch because of this. and I told him how I'm right now looking for OTC stuff to help lower my libido. He was a little sad that I said I still want to look for a way to cut down so I'm still doin the OTC search for a remedy for this he wants me to report to my Doctor what I am taking. So yeah there it is.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

I saw my therapist again on Thursday March 16th.. He is trying to get me to think that Masturbation is ok.. But I just feel to strongly about what I feel is my Masturbation habits under control.. While I dont have a problem like those who do it 25 times a day.. I feel like once a week is too much.. I wish to only masturbate once every 2 to 3 months.. There was a time when I could do that but for some reason i've lost that control. If I can get some OTC drug/herb to help me with this problem that would be great. He just doesnt seem to understand how strongly I feel about this.

[Losethem (imported)]

Do you feel masturbation is intruding on your life such that it's preventing other things from happening, IE the things that you need to do in normal life?

If you were masturbating 5 times a day, perhaps I could understand, but if it's once or twice a week, that's perfectly natural. That said, you have to be comfortable with you, but please do continue with your sessions. I think they will help, ultimately.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

While it's not stopping me from functioning it is calling up thoughts of becoming a eunuch. I think that there is a warning sign that something is wrong.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

Next session Thurday March 23

Today we talked about my Masturbation habits when I was younger in particular as a teenager.. it was about twice a week.. Then when I turned 19 and became a Christian and only would hang with "Christian Kind" they taught me that sex was bad. We would advert our eyes if a gorgeous girl came by. My Therapist wondered how I might have become a different person if I had not become a Christian. He then said he admired me because I'm a Hermit like person always hanging out at home and I spend most of my time feeding my head. I'm always reading trying to educate myself and he liked that and he said he wondered. Am I focusing my thoughts on higher things and me wanting to be a eunuch is a part of me kind of trying to take away the lower fleshly things and I'm trying to raise myself intellectualy. The other stuff we spoke about has no bearing on this site..

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

Next session Thursday March 30th

Wow we covered a lot today. I dont know If I can remember everything we spoke about. We spoke about how I was thinking about becomming a Monk and that 2 things are holding me back. One is that I have a Mental Illness and Buddhist Monastaries do not allow people with Mental Illness in their ranks. Second is I want a wife and most monastaries do not allow wives. Those that do are also against having sex even while married. In 2015 I made a Major decision to be a monk and If I could not be one I would live my life as close as I can as a monk. I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job about that. We spoke about how I feel alienated when I'm around other guys. They are always lusiting after woman.. They just have to look once at a beautiful girl and all they want to do is have sex with her. I have it perfectly seperated in my mind when it comes to lust and attractivness.. I can recognize the beauty of a woman without any sexual thought arise in my mind.. Because Attractive is attractive.. when you look at a flower is it not beautiful? So is a woman.. I do not desire her sexually I just admire the beauty. I feel like I'm the only guy who thinks this way. For 12 LONG years I heard the voice of my Lama nagging me all the time about sex.. If a small child would be seen by just out of the corner of my eye the voice would jump in and tell me that I wanted to have sex with the child. I most certainly did not. This went on and on once every three minutes he would nag me. It was relentless. I would tell him my actual thoughts on the subject how I do not lust.. How I believe that just invisioning having sex with a woman without their consent is mental rape.. He would say.. "Your lying to yourself.. your a monstrous pervert!" The only rest I found from this voice was sleep. But h'es gone now.. Has been for quite some time.. And I am extremely relieved. I told my therapist that I feel like I'm in a car that just wont stop even when I put on the brakes.. My standards of the frequency of masturbation is different than most men.. I feel doing it once every 2 to 3 months is the acceptable amount. I feel much more happy and content when doing it at this level. My Therapist felt that in Buddhist terms I am averting the issue.. I told him about how Buddhist monks meditate when they see a beautiful woman they visualize the blood and guts on the inside of the woman so that they can avert their sexual urges.. Why is my way any different? My Therapist feels I'm beating myself up too much (To the point of considering a full nullification) He feels that I should accept sex and stop being afraid of it. My Dad molested me and now I fear that I could follow in his footsteps and the only way I can stop that is to be a eunuch.

[tugon (imported)]

Next session Thursday March 30th

My Dad molested me and now I fear that I could follow in his footsteps and the only way I can stop that is to be a eunuch.

There was an interesting study and I wish I could find the link for you but it had to do with boys who had been molested. Boys who were traumatized by the events are less likely to abuse than boys who enjoyed the sexual experience and felt the adult was teaching them about sex. The boys who thought they were learning about sex would grow up to show children about the joy of sex. Where those of us who were traumatized are not likely to abuse because we would not bring the horror on another that was brought on ourselves.

[nutless1 (imported)]

That is an interesting observation because of my experience in the legal and mental health professions, all studies I've seen show that any boy that has been abused, especially those who were sexually abused, are at a much higher percentage risk of both being actual sexual abuse offenders, and repeat offenders at an even higher rate than within the general male population. Throw in a mental health diagnosis and offending and repeat offending further increases the percentage.

Also interesting is the thought among those who are or those desiring to become a cleric (monk, priest, rabbi, pastor), have the thought that becoming a cleric will somehow remove the thought and control of past sexual abuse and fear of or desire to also be a sexual abuser of others. The Roman Catholic sexual abuse scandal revealed that among priests and deacons who sexually abused boys, truly believed that when they became a priest or deacon their past abuse and desire to abuse would somehow disappear. Unfortunately, that was not the reality. Another interesting study fact is that those sexually abused as a boy, and who attended seminary as young men, and went on to become sexual abusers themselves as clerics. Those facts alone say much. were again sexually abused by clerics teaching in the seminary

There was an interesting study and I wish I could find the link for you but it had to do with boys who had been molested. Boys who were traumatized by the events are less likely to abuse than boys who enjoyed the sexual experience and felt the adult was teaching them about sex. The boys who thought they were learning about sex would grow up to show children about the joy of sex. Where those of us who were traumatized are not likely to abuse because we would not bring the horror on another that was brought on ourselves.

[tugon (imported)]

As I search for the article I mentioned I will post other information that might be helpful.

http://1in6.org/family-and-friends/myths/

Myth 7 - The myth that boys who are sexually abused will go on to abuse others.

This myth is especially dangerous because it can create terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but that others will find out they were abused and believe they're a danger to children. Sadly, boys and men who tell of being sexually abused often are viewed more as potential perpetrators than as guys who need support.

While it is true that many (though by no means all) who sexually abuse children have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. The majority of boys do not go on to become sexually abusive as adolescents or adults; even those who do perpetrate as teenagers, if they get help when they're young, usually don't abuse children when they become adults. (See Am I Going to Become an Abuser? What if I Already Have?)

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

That is an interesting observation because of my experience in the legal and mental health professions, all studies I've seen show that any boy that has been abused, especially those who were sexually abused, are at a much higher percentage risk of both being actual sexual abuse offenders, and repeat offenders at an even higher rate than within the general male population. Throw in a mental health diagnosis and offending and repeat offending further increases the percentage.

Also interesting is the thought among those who are or those desiring to become a cleric (monk, priest, rabbi, pastor), have the thought that becoming a cleric will somehow remove the thought and control of past sexual abuse and fear of or desire to also be a sexual abuser of others. The Roman Catholic sexual abuse scandal revealed that among priests and deacons who sexually abused boys, truly believed that when they became a priest or deacon their past abuse and desire to abuse would somehow disappear. Unfortunately, that was not the reality. Another interesting study fact is that those sexually abused as a boy, and who attended seminary as young men, and went on to become sexual abusers themselves as clerics. Those facts alone say much. were again sexually abused by clerics teaching in the seminary

Well this doesnt make me feel any better.. I hope Tugon can produce some reports..

[tugon (imported)]

I am still looking for that article. In the mean time I am finding some very good information that is a help to me and I hope helpful to you. Do not worry about the old information that boys who were abused are likely to abuse anymore than the thought that girls who have been abused are more likely to seek out abusive relationships. We know better today. I used to think that way and I never really bonded with my niece or nephews. One day I looked within myself and realized I had no attraction to children or any desire to abuse. If you have no erotic interest in children and fantasies involving them you will not abuse. Knowing ourselves in an honest and truthful way is often the best way to fully understand what we are capable of doing. More than anything I would say you need to heal from your experiences.

https://myost.com/shedding-light-on-the ... ey-become/

THE IMPACT OF SEXUAL ABUSE: SHORT AND LONG TERM

After a boy has been sexually abused, generally there is a change in his personality. Behavioral changes can range from unusual acting out to being very aggressive and violent. The world has become a more threatening place and he is more vulnerable. He is trying to defend himself.

There are likely to be emotional changes as well. An open, out-going boy may suddenly become quiet, passive, and invisible. It may be obvious that he no longer feels good about himself. He has a self-perception of being damaged or broken. His sense of personal power has been taken away.

Often there are physical signs of sexual abuse as well. There may be physical damage from any forced penetration, such as anal tears, resulting in constipation or encopresis. Sleep disturbances such as nightmares, regressive behaviors such as bed-wetting or loss of bowel control, and anxiety or the sudden appearance of phobias may also occur. Any sudden and dramatic change in behavior or mood in a child should be investigated and understood.

There are both short- and long-term effects on boys who have been abused. In the short term, you may see inappropriate sexual behavior, sexually assaulting other children, hypersexuality, and gender confusion. Longer-term effects can include depression, physical ailments, negative effects on self-esteem or their sense of self, or a negative impact on interpersonal relationships. An inability to trust or feel safe with others, especially when intimacy is involved, is often the result of having been sexually abused. A boy's sexuality is going to be impacted. Most victims get stuck at their sexual emotional age at the time of the initial assault. The assault and subsequent feelings are what represent sex to them.

In my experience with working with bisexual and gay men that are heterosexually married, I have found that many of them were sexually abused as children, usually by a male. They rationalize that the reason that they are sexually attracted to men is because they were assaulted as a child, and they conclude that if that had not happened, they would not be attracted to men.

There is no evidence that this is true. It is mental gymnastics to avoid dealing with the attraction to men. This is a very difficult outlook for many men to escape, but it is important to confront their feelings so they may come to terms with the abuse, the abuser, and their own sexuality.

The last major long-term effect is a tendency toward addictive behaviors. It is common for men in treatment programs or in a 12-step program of some kind to have to deal with the issues of sexual abuse as they are trying to deal with the addiction. The substance or behavior has been a method of self medication for the man to avoid the feeling that he is still carrying around inside.

In my experience, many men that have been labeled as sexual addicts are, in reality, experiencing a repetition compulsion. The circumstances of the initial abuse so stimulated them that their young bodies and minds were unable to process or contain the overwhelming sensations. Consequently, they froze inside, and they associate sex and sexual feelings with these overwhelming sensations; often they feel a power imbalance is part of sex, so they attempt to recreate the situation in an effort to complete the gestalt—they are trying to complete this unfinished experience. The child parts of the men are trying to find a way out of the loop they are in, and to the outside world this often looks like sexual addiction. The acting out behavior could start as a repetition compulsion and turn into an addiction as well.

When a boy has been sexually assaulted, his life changes forever. There can be small to extreme changes in behaviors, moods, and attitudes about people, himself and the world. These feelings do not go away and the impact is not minor, regardless of how the boy appears to be taking it. Children do what they need to do to survive. They may feel that their survival depends upon hiding the experience at all costs. Treatment is the only solution to really recovering. Left untreated, the wounds follow the man into adulthood and impact his relationships with everyone. Admitting the pain is terrible, but the victim stands to gain a life without the pain of the abuse. Men can and do heal from childhood sexual abuse.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

Thank you Tugon.. I really appreciate your help. I havent really felt helped in all of this..

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

I missed last weeks session. I just don't think there is anything my therapist can tell me that would get me to feel as if masturbation is ok. I'm just so convicted about this. I know he is gonna keep trying but I dont think it will do any good.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

We Didnt talk about anything to do with sex or my wanting to be a eunuch this week. We spoke about unrelated stuff. Sorry maybe next week.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

So we spoke about sex today. I told him how I was once able to watch porn and not Masturbate.. I would

masturbate once every 2 to 3 months.

I felt so under control. He then said "Control?" As a Buddhist should you try to control something? I said well yes.. There are the 10 unskillfull actions.. we need to control ourselves so we do not do them. He said I disagree.. I think you need to free yourself from thoughts of control but also thoughts of no control. What he said I should do is when sexual thoughts arise just let them pass like passing clouds. YEAH! Easier said than done. He said trying to control something is briinging friction into your life try just letting go. Again easier said than done.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

Well.. The Vitex and Saw Palmetto has gotten me cut down to 3 weeks between masturbations verses a once a week without. I'm not happy about this.. I need more. Does anyone have any suggestions for other OTC stuff I can possibly take?

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

I found out last week that I'm Asexual. Never knew it.. had been for 12 years. I've been watching youtube videos and reading articles about it and I totaly identify about it. I saw my therapist today (I see him every monday) and I told him that I discovered Asexuality and how it totaly fits in with what I am. I had been telling him for months about how I dont like sex and how I'm only aesthetically attracted to woman. I feel alienated from my friends with how they are always talking about sex. He seemed to try to make me feel that sex is ok.. He told me how sex with his wife is spiritual to him and that he personally believed that God was actually sexual in nature otherwise we in the flesh wouldnt be sexual. I think he just cant accept that I'm different. I have found my identity and very content with it.

[Oyktiro1 (imported)]

Well, I had another session today about sex.. I told my therapist about how I met a woman online who is asexual just like me. And he started asking questions about my sexuality. Why do I not like sex? It is hard to pin point the precise reason. I mean there are past lives of mine that were sexual and ended up really bad. And there is the life I'm living now. I would say my Asexuality started when I was in college. I had a girlfriend who was sex addicted and drug addicted. She gave me sex every night for about 5 months. I didn't really enjoy it.. It felt like a chore. I was totally not into it at all.. around this time I developed the belief that if I lust after a woman without their consent I'm committing Mental Rape.. After this girl, I had another girl who was just as sex addicted and when we broke up I came to the realization that I just do not want sex at all. It's a disease risky behavior, I worry if I'm pleasing my partner enough, there is the smell.. Are we having sex too much or not enough? It just seems to be too many headaches in my view. I have come in the last few years even despising masturbation as well. It also began to feel like a chore, unappealing, unsatisfying. So I don't even masturbate even more. I'm a Buddhist and in Buddhism, we have the 3 mental poisons. Desire, Aversion, and Ignorance.. Aversion is really just another desire.. A desire to not have whatever it is.. My therapist pointed this out to me. He said that I'm Averting my sexual self to an extreme by trying to limit my sexual desire. I'm trying so hard to stop my Sexual Desire that I am now in the Averting Spectrum. I honestly do not know how to take that but I'm gonna think about it for a while. I'm also writing a book on how to deal with schizophrenia and it talks about how to identify illusions. My therapist thinks I'm being hypocritical with my views on sex. He thinks I'm somehow betraying myself and my outlook in my book. That I am somehow making sexual desire into something when all it is is an illusion. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.