the big after surgery test with family

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

the big after surgery test with family is coming very soon.

my sister texted me yesterday. why she did not call is beyond me but she texted and told me that my cousin is coming with her family from across the country to visit and wants to see all of us.

keeping it simple, i grew up in a left wing atheistic kind of family while my cousin is religious and probably kind of right leaning. she is in her 50s. i am in my 70s. we have not seen each other since she was no more than in her teens. ok maybe 20s.

but lets remember that i was castrated a few months ago. i tried to talk about this with my sister. i believed us to be close enough that we could. first she was against it. then she was accepting. then she advised against it. i also believe that she brought this to the attention of my brothers (with my ok). at the time i thought there would be further conversation however it seems that they all may very well know and have chosen to not talk about it at all.

for me, castration has eliminated the horrors in my mind that made me suffer for most of my life. i did express that i expected this kind of change with my sister prior to surgery. i'd think she'd be ok with my finding a little happiness in my life. but so far i do not know. she has been silent and has not asked so i cannot tell. i've been the one who always calls her and i feel so ignored that she does not ever call me. i'd have been so happy if she would just call me and ask. she also does not know one way or the other if i actually did go and get the surgery. that means that if she told my other siblings, no one knows for sure but may likely suspect.

now we are going to have a big family gathering and i can just hear my oldest brother wondering to my sister before we all meet "does he have boobs?" "does he have a high pitched voice?" "is all his hair gone?" and i wonder what kind of trepidations they may be going through now and how the family meeting will go. will there be the awkward silence?

and how i'm thinking right now that if my sister (at least) does not approach me and deal with the issue like i believe she should that i may feel compelled to be quite open at the dinner table by saying something like "hey, by the way, i had my balls cut off a few months ago".

so has anyone gone through something like this? can i scream "eeks" and "what should i do?" there comes a time i guess when this stuff does have to be brought out into the open - maybe - a little? i just can't comprehend not touching the subject at all, and i have just two weeks to prepare or not prepare and live through whatever will happen. it will affect my kids. it will affect my wife. it will affect my siblings and it will affect my cousin and her family. it may be an affront to ideologies, and belief systems and even strong family bonds.

i need input on this. or as i've managed all my life, i'll just have to deal in the lonely way i've always done. but it sure would be nice to get to see a pathway through this forest - if such a pathway exists - and hear from people if anyone knows where that pathway is.

thanks for reading.

[Valery_V (imported)]

I have never suffered as much as you did.

My relatives and close acquaintances were aware of my changes, but almost never let me know that they knew about it.

This has never been discussed publicly, at least in my presence...

Also, I never felt lonely .

[kristoff]

My immediate adopted family is aware of my castration, as are my closest friends. It generates a joking comment on occasion from friends, but never a word from my siblings, though they know. We get along just fine, and I am OK with where things are. No one else needs to know anything, except my doctors whom I pick and choose.

[WheelyCurious]

I don't have relevant experience to any great degree, but it seems to me that the only people who have a real "Need to Know" about one's state are potential bed partners and people you see professionally that have extra letters tacked on the end of their names (i.e. M.D., N,P., etc...)

Generally this does not apply to family members... (one hopes! )

I have told my girlfriend of many years, and my medical team, otherwise nobody, as I don't think it is any of their business...

Given that you have sort of told some of your family, it is hard to say who knows what, but I don't see any reason to bring it up if they don't... From what I've experienced in other contexts, those with strong beliefs that something is not good are often willing to pretend ignorance in the interest of keeping peace as long as their noses aren't rubbed in it...

So I'd suggest 'Letting sleeping dogs lie" and not bring it up unless they do...

WheelyCurious

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

I guess my reasons for needing to share this information is because we all come from the same dysfunctional family where we were all exposed to ongoing sexual abuse and parental narcissistic behavior. I see them as being my allies and we should all be mutual supporters

[Valery_V (imported)]

Sir, we all sympathize with you!

However, it's been a long time...

I always remember only good things about my parents and loved ones.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

Sir, we all sympathize with you!

However, it's been a long time...

I always remember only good things about my parents and loved ones.

that great!

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

Sir, we all sympathize with you!

However, it's been a long time...

I always remember only good things about my parents and loved ones.

in my teens I confided in my brother and told him that I was self harming. I was clear that this was not something I wanted to do. I was clear that I had no idea why I was doing it. his great advice was that if I didn't like doing it, I should stop doing it. if I could have done that, I assure you that I would not be here now. I would never have become a eunuch because I would never have needed to eliminate the poison testosterone from my body. but I was being poisoned by it and the poison was slowly killing me. I reached a point just a few months ago where I was about to use an elastrator. yes really. I admit to having a deficiency in my personality that doctors and therapy only responded to with ignorance or closed mindedness. they still think it was wrong for me to have gotten an orchiectomy. I would guess they would criticize many here on this site for the same. im not proud that I wasted my life but it took that long to come to terms with knowing that killing my testicles was what was needed. I never needed sympathy. just the realization and acceptance that I was living with poison in my blood and narrow mindedness demanded that the only way to deal with that was to man up and live with it. and do meds and therapy. that shit doesn't work. I thought you realized that. my parents did lots of good stuff. I'm grateful for that. but does that make the abuse ok? did they try to have me receive mental help at 2, 5, or in my early teens when I clearly showed signs of depression and self harm. nope. my father was doing abusive things to his kids. my grandfather was forcing sex on my younger sister. and I was starting to emulate that perverted behavior. it's a wonder that I was able to rise above that. but I did but it left me hating my body and mind. so yeah I do remember and love the good things they did for me but I remember the pain too that I was never able to heal from. my deficiency. sorry. and pleeeeeeeze don't call me SIR.

[Losethem (imported)]

I've never understood this stress about having to tell you family. Unless you're going to make a dramatic nude entrance at some sort of family event, they don't need to know.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

I've never understood this stress about having to tell you family. Unless you're going to make a dramatic nude entrance at some sort of family event, they don't need to know.

I was actually referring to apparent "stress" on the part of some of my family members who already knew about my interest in castration - thru conversation about my self harm prior to my actual plans for having the surgery done in a medically safe way. Particularly I was thinking of my sister.

Like I have already mentioned, I found myself for several years trying to perform the surgery myself or at least trying to facilitate having the surgery. This led to numerous ER visits and hospital stays. During those events my mental state made it impossible for me to not attempt.

Maybe you would like to make a judgement on my state of mind at those times, but consider that I might never have had the talk about self harm and castration with her, if there were not huge gaps in the American mental healthcare system. There were times when the needed therapy was not available to me.

During these times and even before, I needed someone to talk to and my sister was the only one I knew and trusted to talk about these things since we were both subjected to abuse by the same abusers during childhood. That led me to feeling safe talking with her about our shared experience growing up. I believed my talking with her was part of my healing process and that started quite a bit before I ever planned the orchi.

Now I sense her reluctance to talk to me. This is my concern. I find just dropping the subject now troublesome. You may not have had a similar experience in your lifetime and that might be why you don't understand. But if you have, I'd be interested to know how you handled it if similar circumstances had occurred.

but just so you know, i did enjoy the imagery you conjured up with the nude entrance/family event.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

it keeps reverberating in my head, the questions, why are people concerned with keeping castration a secret? is "the need to know" and it not being a need the only consideration?

ok they call those thing private parts but i think that since so many have moved away from that privacy, secrecy might not be necessary. i wonder, if the idea of "no one needs to know" might be keeping the eunuch community out of the loop when it comes to human rights. WPATH is helping, but is that the only mechanism needed? do we only need healthcare and safe surgery or do we need acceptance in all parts of society? acceptance i think should be our goal.

maybe that suggested "nude entrance" is actually the way to go or at least public talk about it. secrecy tends to make something seem somehow unsavory. i don't think my castration is unsavory. i think i needed it because other courses of action did not help me.

i don't feel punished. i don't feel less a person. i do feel more able now - than ever- to think without the constant heckling by my live in "demon" (which i believe is actually the effect of testosterone on damaged parts of my ego). mental healthcare did not stop it. i stopped it through castration.

had i been brought up in a healthy nurturing family environment and not one with abuse i may have been different and i might have been well adjusted and utilizing my sex in a more harmonious way, but that didn't happen. am i then condemned to living in secrecy? must i feel shame for what i've done to myself or be proud of what i've done for myself?

maybe being open about this actually is the way to go.

[Valery_V (imported)]

I understand you and fully share your views.

Besides, I'm somewhat of an exhibitionist.

At the request of friends I readily uploaded my intimate photos in December, 2020 to EA Personals website .

I am sure that you will successfully pass "big after surgery test with family", of course, when your loved ones want it.

[Losethem (imported)]

it keeps reverberating in my head, the questions, why are people concerned with keeping castration a secret? is "the need to know" and it not being a need the only consideration?

It's not so much keeping it a secret, as it is not finding it necessary to tell everyone I know.

[AcordingIP (imported)]

Please, in the fullness of wishing you every success, seek help for depression. It catches up. It's the unknown disease,

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

Please, in the fullness of wishing you every success, seek help for depression. It catches up. It's the unknown disease,

thank you. I have been in therapy for several years now. I do not believe my issue is depression. but I am not avoiding help. I am continuing with my present therapist while also trying to find a new therapist trained and experienced in addressing my real issues which are childhood sexual abuse, dissociation disorder and most importantly, all the things I am now confronted with in making my efforts to live my trans eunuch genderality.

[4everLimp (imported)]

The only person I have ever told is my doctor and even then I made up a reason as to why I had to have an orchiectomy. I would have to do some explaining to any potential sexual partner if one ever came along. But even in that case I doubt that I would tell them the whole truth or that I willingly did this to myself.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

The only person I have ever told is my doctor and even then I made up a reason as to why I had to have an orchiectomy. I would have to do some explaining to any potential sexual partner if one ever came along. But even in that case I doubt that I would tell them the whole truth or that I willingly did this to myself.

I understand this and I do believe I will have difficulty when I do talk about it. but I also feel that being castrated is my identity. even before I openly acknowledged it I believe I was feeling that true me is without sex. I do want intimacy, but I think sex is an unnecessary thing for me. I feel that receiving the orchi is accomplishment that I need to share. if there are unknown underlying reasons for this, I will one day find out. I still think it is all about being the real me.

[keyman419 (imported)]

I guess my reasons for needing to share this information is because we all come from the same dysfunctional family where we were all exposed to ongoing sexual abuse and parental narcissistic behavior. I see them as being my allies and we should all be mutual supporters

The truth is that not all family members are "mutual supporters" of our decisions. I also don't see the need to disclose this information unless there is some untold reason for trying to 'prove something' to them, which actually raises a red flag. I think you may be setting yourself up for potential disappointment if not everyone fully supports your decision. It really doesn't seem as though they really need to know this information.

The reasons I was nullified were all very personal and while I'm open about some things with certain people, for most others they have no business knowing what I've done to my body.

[Valery_V (imported)]

The truth is that not all family members are "mutual supporters" of our decisions. I also don't see the need to disclose this information unless there is some untold reason for trying to 'prove something' to them, which actually raises a red flag. I think you may be setting yourself up for potential disappointment if not everyone fully supports your decision. It really doesn't seem as though they really need to know this information.

The reasons I was nullified were all very personal and while I'm open about some things with certain people, for most others they have no business knowing what I've done to my body.

I completely agree.

It is completely useless to prove and explain your motives to everyone. It has to be felt...

The vast majority of people will not be able to understand you.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

I may want to shock them or passively aggress upon them. maybe somehow I hold them responsible. well it's this if not quite the opposite. that I may actually liberate them and make them feel like they can touch a bit of happiness finally. we all do come from the same place my siblings and me.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

anyway, I already had shared that maybe I would do the surgery before I posted this thread. I did not have the benefit of your collective points of view at the time. all I was doing here was speculating on them reacting once they finally get to see me and try to figure out if I actually did go and get it done. and one of them probably will bring it up. do you think I should be coy? honest? or just deny it. I might just feel pushed and confirm it all. we'll see.

[Valery_V (imported)]

Those around us, as a rule, are not very interested in our inner experiences.

They have a lot of their own worries and affairs ...

It seems to me that you don't even need to impose your preferences and tastes on your loved ones ...

Maybe only in those cases when they want to talk about it with you.

I was asked only here and especially on the EA P.

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

Maybe only in those cases when they want to talk about it with you.

see, that is exactly the terms my sister and I do talk. we share a childhood experience of abuse and we both felt good about talking about our past. my take on it is that the mutual support was a healing thing. so when I was considering castration I saw that as a way of ending my lifelong self harm and felt safe sharing my feelings about it with an ally.

I was not boasting or sensationalizing. she just happened to feel somewhat uncomfortable with the idea that I'd really do something like that. to her, it did not come across that it might be a good thing, but she just withdrew and we haven't spoken more about it.

I hadn't made my decision yet then and she stopped being someone I could talk with about it. she does not now know one way or the other what I did but I do believe she suspects I did do it and fears the usual misconceptions about it, and probably worries that I'll have big boobs, loss of facial hair and have a high voice and she probably dreads seeing me because of her fears. that is the problem. not that I'm suddenly imposing a secret about myself. and I do generally look like I always have. possibly if clean shaven, I look a little younger. so her mind could have been eased through talk as I thought were the terms we were already on.

[WheelyCurious]

I may want to shock them or passively aggress upon them. maybe somehow I hold them responsible. well it's this if not quite the opposite. that I may actually liberate them and make them feel like they can touch a bit of happiness finally. we all do come from the same place my siblings and me.

Trying to shock or aggress on the family doesn't seem like the best way to maintain good family relations, and most people are probably not going to see castration as a way to find happiness, even if they are from a similar background... You have mentioned that you are seeing a therapist, perhaps you could explore your motivations there? It seems to me like you really need to get a handle on why you want

to tell the family before you decide if you are going to.

anyway, I already had shared that maybe I would do the surgery before I posted this thread. I did not have the benefit of your collective points of view at the time. all I was doing here was speculating on them reacting once they finally get to see me and try to figure out if I actually did go and get it done. and one of them probably will bring it up. do you think I should be coy? honest? or just deny

it. I might just feel pushed and confirm it all. we'll see.

IF (and only if) the question is asked, then I'd answer honestly and briefly, and only in the circumstances it was asked - i.e. if asked privately, answer privately, not in front of everyone....

You said your sister was uncomfortable talking about it before, possibly because of her misconceptions. It seems to me like the best thing is to let her see you without forcing the subject, and let her decide when / how to ask. She may well be happier pretending it didn't happen, whether or not she thinks it did. Why risk damaging the other parts of your relationship that sound like they are OK?

WheelyCurious

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

Trying to shock or aggress on the family doesn't seem like the best way to maintain good family relations, and most people are probably not going to see castration as a way to find happiness, even if they are from a similar background... You have mentioned that you are seeing a therapist, perhaps you could explore your motivations there? It seems to me like you really need to get a handle on why you want

to tell the family before you decide if you are going to.

IF (and only if) the question is asked, then I'd answer honestly and briefly, and only in the circumstances it was asked - i.e. if asked privately, answer privately, not in front of everyone....

You said your sister was uncomfortable talking about it before, possibly because of her misconceptions. It seems to me like the best thing is to let her see you without forcing the subject, and let her decide when / how to ask. She may well be happier pretending it didn't happen, whether or not she thinks it did. Why risk damaging the other parts of your relationship that sound like they are OK?

WheelyCurious

I really do understand your points but I don't agree. I also think you are misinterpreting the meaning of things I've said. this most likely would be that I did not explain enough and or well. let me try to explain the situation now, as I see it.

I don't believe that knowledge of surgery like this would drive a wedge into my relationships with any of my siblings. I could be wrong but I doubt it. I am only speculating right now but I really could be right that my sister already suspects I had the surgery. if that is the case, she most likely will eventually ask in private. I will answer in private and she will then tell my brothers or even just one. after that I will happily discuss it all. they will understand my motives but still may disagree with my decision.

as for shocking them, I'd only be driven to it through intense anger. I believe that won't happen. to me, it makes a great fantasy, but I wouldn't just go and do it. I doubt that anything would make me angry enough.

I have been seeing a therapist for years but am now in the process of seeking one with specialization in transgender, dissociation disorder, childhood sexual abuse, and self harm issues. it took me 8 months last time around just to find a therapist - my present one. I've been searching for three weeks so far this time around and it could be 8 months again. therapy does need to be covered by my insurance. there are many reasons why no one will work with me.

as for a handle on why I want to tell, I think I've explained this. but let me take it a little further. I feel it crucial to explain the extent I need to go to overcome the damage I have from childhood that awareness of only started surfacing several years ago. I believe my siblings to be co-victims. there is a chance that they hold more important information that is not coming to me presently. and vice versa.

I want you to know that I am healing. it's incredibly difficult and slow, but it is happening. castration has bad connotations, but that is a failing of society, not me. I know this surgery was the correct and best thing to do. no regrets whatsoever. I will feel comfortable telling my story and will seek to help the listeners whomever they be, feel comfortable too.

none of my desired conversation with my siblings is hostility driven. everything is happening according to the best I can do sometimes with and sometimes without professional help depending on what what I am able to find. all good? not by a long shot, but open discussion to me is a positive that will help with healing.