I had the surgery - mixed emotions

[Wannabe_Uneck (imported)]

So, I had nullification surgery exactly 4 days ago.

I was shown a picture of my result immediately after I woke up, and it looked better than I expected.

It helped me in my recovery and loneliness.

But during those days, my emotions fluctuated dramatically, between happiness and "why did I do it" that felt like a brick on my chest.

I've been interested in nullification for a while, and I tried to cover all corners in my research.

In those forums I heard people voice concerns about their dating life, while others describe how it changed them internally. I even talked to someone who voiced regret less than a month after surgery. I went on de-trans forums on reddit, I talked to friends and therapists.

None of those negative aspects could change my mind.

I wonder why. My soul really wanted to see me becoming a nullo, and I fought every doubt.

I'm happy with the result aesthetically, I'm not concerned about sex life or relief (although it's too early to tell). In the worst-case scenario, it doesn't really affect my lifestyle.

But I wish I could silence those intrusive thoughts of "why", for now. though I don't want to ignore any emotion or be hard on myself in any way.

[keyman419 (imported)]

Congrats on your surgery. I was nullified 3.5 years ago now. The scar is barely visible anymore and it's like there was nothing there. I was somewhat surprised that the moment I woke up I immediately felt a sense of relief. It was almost 24 hours before I was able to see anything under the bandages. Overall I'm very happy and I don't know that I miss it but I do think about it sometimes. That doesn't really result in any regret.

To be honest, I had the hardest time realizing that I was a eunuch. I was glad the penis was gone but had to later accept that I was a eunuch. It's a big change so give it time to sink in.

Reach out if I can answer any questions.

[erikboy (imported)]

It is my speculation of course. It might be some transitional emotion, as the change is well... Life changing. You are not used to it yet. I have experienced similar emotions after I started chemcastration. At one point I felt extatic and then I felt stupid asking my self why am I doing such abnormal things to myself and felt bad about it. Still despite I had a chance to discontinue I did not. And after about 1,5 months I stopped getting these annoying feelings. The had the same feelings after my circumcision. It very easily might be a temporary thing. So don't take it too seriously. Overthinking might lead to non existent problems which feel very real.

[TooMuchT (imported)]

First of all, congratulations! Welcome to the nullo club

I am trying to remember if you went into the surgery "fully intact" ie with fully functioning testicles? If so, perhaps some of the emotional swings could just be caused by the sudden loss of testosterone. Studies on prostate cancer patients who underwent castration showed natural testosterone levels dropped to castrate levels within about 8 hours.

[Valery_V (imported)]

So, I had nullification surgery exactly 4 days ago.

I was shown a picture of my result immediately after I woke up, and it looked better than I expected.

It helped me in my recovery and loneliness.

But during those days, my emotions fluctuated dramatically, between happiness and "why did I do it" that felt like a brick on my chest.

I've been interested in nullification for a while, and I tried to cover all corners in my research.

In those forums I heard people voice concerns about their dating life, while others describe how it changed them internally. I even talked to someone who voiced regret less than a month after surgery. I went on de-trans forums on reddit, I talked to friends and therapists.

None of those negative aspects could change my mind.

I wonder why. My soul really wanted to see me becoming a nullo, and I fought every doubt.

I'm happy with the result aesthetically, I'm not concerned about sex life or relief (although it's too early to tell). In the worst-case scenario, it doesn't really affect my lifestyle.

But I wish I could silence those intrusive thoughts of "why", for now. though I don't want to ignore any emotion or be hard on myself in any way.

Congratulations again!

I wish you a quick and complete recovery!

:balsmilie

[Wannabe_Uneck (imported)]

thank you all. the following two days after I posted this, I felt great, kind of a euphoria, which quickly changed again to a feeling of tiredness.

I understand that those mood swings might be directly related to testosterone imbalance. I thought it'll take longer to get those effects...

I have an appointment with the endocrinologist next week. Which seems too far away.

I need hugs for now.

[not61fin (imported)]

I have been dreaming to becoming nullo for many years. I have sometimes felt contradictions, but I always come back to the same. I really want it. I believe that when it's done

I feel the same joy as I feel after wake up the anesthesia after the castration.

Congratulations! I wish you a quick and perfect recovery!

[HumanFly]

How are you doing with your recovery now?

[DeaconBlues (imported)]

I offer my very enthusiastic "congratulations" to you! I am sure that ultimately you will be very happy and the questions of "why" are going to fade away, you made a choice, and I am sure that it was the right choice for you.

[Wannabe_Uneck (imported)]

thank you all for asking.

Update, 8 and a half weeks post op: I'm content, and happy with the recovery, although it's slower than I thought. The thoughts of "why" sometimes visit me for short periods, and they mostly feel like guilt more than anything. I guess it has something to do with keeping it a secret from my family (I stuff a sock in my pants when I go to meet them).

But overall, I feel that this surgery has made me a real man more than anything. Being focused on getting such a thing, so unacceptable socially, even crazy, unthinkable, makes me feel like I'm some kind of a goal-getter, the brave kind. I took a decision, I did it under uncomfortable circumstances and I owned it.

My journey isn't done. I may revisit a plastic surgeon two months from now, and a dermatologist next month, I'm still looking for a sexual or a romantic partner, and many other plans for the future.

[Valery_V (imported)]

thank you all for asking.

Update, 8 and a half weeks post op: I'm content, and happy with the recovery, although it's slower than I thought. The thoughts of "why" sometimes visit me for short periods, and they mostly feel like guilt more than anything. I guess it has something to do with keeping it a secret from my family (I stuff a sock in my pants when I go to meet them).

But overall, I feel that this surgery has made me a real man more than anything. Being focused on getting such a thing, so unacceptable socially, even crazy, unthinkable, makes me feel like I'm some kind of a goal-getter, the brave kind. I took a decision, I did it under uncomfortable circumstances and I owned it.

My journey isn't done. I may revisit a plastic surgeon two months from now, and a dermatologist next month, I'm still looking for a sexual or a romantic partner, and many other plans for the future.

The main thing is that you do not regret what you did.

You have achieved what you wanted since childhood.

Your family needs to understand you and accept you for who you are.

Everything will be fine!

[Hash (imported)]

I think you've gone through what most of us have gone through emotionally. I completed my nullification last November 2022. I will tell you that if you add back testosterone you will have sexual thoughts from time to time and since I still have a penis bulb, I occasionally feel a fullness deep down below. I low dose testosterone replacement to maintain muscle tone and prevent osteoporosis. Make sure you start or stay on a lean diet, weight gain is easy after nullification. Good luck to you.

[fefefefe (imported)]

could you please tell me the name of the clinic where you got surgery and how much did it cost? I've been looking for options but I only found one so far.

[Hash (imported)]

fefefe, Not sure who you're referring too. I had my nullification completed by a urologist in a hospital in Pennsylvania. I was able to convince my urologist to remove the remains of my testicular chords and penis stump, which was about three inches long. I had removed my penis using the slow penectomy over a series of months years before, so my urologists didn't have any issues removing the stump. Here are his surgical notes. When it says, "Bilateral corpora cavernosa was also excised and ligated in 2 layers with 3-0 Vicryl suture in a running fashion" it means my penis was cut off.

Procedure Details

The patient was brought to the operating room after informed consent was obtained and was placed in the supine position. General anesthesia was administered. The patient was placed in the dorsolithotomy position. SCDs were in place for DVT prophylaxis. Pressure points were padded. Preoperative antibiotics were administered. Genitalia were prepped and draped in the usual sterile fashion. A timeout was called and all operative concerns were addressed. As part of the timeout, the correct laterality was identified.

20 French Foley inserted per urethra into the bladder. Balloon inflated into bladder. Patient had a perineal urethrostomy

Edges of scrotum were marked. Patient had prior closure of his penis. Incision was carried superiorly to where the phallus used to be. Incision was made with a 15 blade. Scrotal skin was excised. A semilunar incision was made around the perineal urethrostomy.

Bilateral cords were identified to the scrotal incision and were dissected proximally. Redundant penis and urethra were identified and dissected free. Penis and urethra testing was carried proximally to the perineal urethrostomy and to the base of the penis prior to divergence of bilateral corpora. I took down the suspensory ligaments of the penis.

Scrotal skin with dartos tissue and subcutaneous fat were excised and sent to pathology.

Urethra was separated from the penis near the perineal urethrostomy. It was ligated and distal and was closed in 2 layers with 3-0 Vicryl suture in a running fashion

Bilateral corpora cavernosa was also excised and ligated in 2 layers with 3-0 Vicryl suture in a running fashion. Adequate hemostasis was noted.

[manc-wannabe (imported)]

Both Uneck and myself used the Mexico Transgender Centre in Tijuana, Mexico. The cost was $8499 including nerve preservation - my glans was preserved and buried under the skin, which enables me to orgasm. The surgery, and aftercare were very good - I'd highly recommend them.

[Losethem (imported)]

...

my glans was preserved and buried under the skin, which enables me to orgasm. The surgery, and aftercare were very good - I'd highly recommend them.

I'd like to add that even without glans preservation, orgasm is still possible. I'm living proof of that as no effort was made at nerve sparing or buring my glans, etc. I'm still fulfilled and satisfied sexually. Obviously, whatever you seek is something to speak with your chosen surgeon ahead of surgery, and my stating this is simply letting you know that both are an option and you'll still be able to have orgasms with either, in all likelihood. I only say that last part because there is a SMALL chance of this not being the case, but I think the LARGE chance it would be positive outweighs that potential.

[erikboy (imported)]

Orgasms happens in our brains. Penis, glans, foreskin are just part of orgasm triggers. To make orgasm to happen, brain must be sexually aroused. Stimulation of penis usually leads to some sort of arousal. But also imagination, visuals, talk, touches can also arouse the brain and finally release an orgasm. Lack of penis leaves other route still possible for orgasms.

[Marc1978 (imported)]

Both Uneck and myself used the Mexico Transgender Centre in Tijuana, Mexico. The cost was $8499 including nerve preservation - my glans was preserved and buried under the skin, which enables me to orgasm. The surgery, and aftercare were very good - I'd highly recommend them.

I really want to be castrated then maybe few months after to have nullification but did not know this was an option and would like to find out more if thats ok? so how long ago was your operation? and have you kept the sensitivity since?. This would be my ideal situation but am also prepared and willing to loose it all as that until i just read this is what expected. I would really appreciate any information on this from you .

[Marc1978 (imported)]

I really want to be castrated then maybe few months after to have nullification but did not know this was an option and would like to find out more if thats ok? so how long ago was your operation? and have you kept the sensitivity since?. This would be my ideal situation but am also prepared and willing to loose it all as that until i just read this is what expected. I would really appreciate any information on this from you .

So, I had nullification surgery exactly 4 days ago.

I was shown a picture of my result immediately after I woke up, and it looked better than I expected.

It helped me in my recovery and loneliness.

But during those days, my emotions fluctuated dramatically, between happiness and "why did I do it" that felt like a brick on my chest.

I've been interested in nullification for a while, and I tried to cover all corners in my research.

In those forums I heard people voice concerns about their dating life, while others describe how it changed them internally. I even talked to someone who voiced regret less than a month after surgery. I went on de-trans forums on reddit, I talked to friends and therapists.

None of those negative aspects could change my mind.

I wonder why. My soul really wanted to see me becoming a nullo, and I fought every doubt.

I'm happy with the result aesthetically, I'm not concerned about sex life or relief (although it's too early to tell). In the worst-case scenario, it doesn't really affect my lifestyle.

But I wish I could silence those intrusive thoughts of "why", for now. though I don't want to ignore any emotion or be hard on myself in any way.

The thoughts are natural and are expected. I admire you and cant wait get the same done my self and i know after i the have same thoughts as you but i also know that ill actually go through with it that means it is truly what i want otherwise i would not go through with it as i never do anything my gut instinct says no too but my gut tells me this is what i truly want. Since i was a teen i have wanted my balls and cock gone. I am not trans and still want to be a man but i cant explain why they just don't seem to be a part of me in my head. I don't want a virgina but i also want be smooth down there. I will get it all removed and can in Thailand and will do it under local anesthetic so i can watch it'll be done and be the happiest day of my life. you are lucky you are already there so be grateful and try not worry to much about the current negative thoughts as they will soon pass and you be happy with what you have had done