an open letter to all

[surf_toad (imported)]

Once again, I am finding it difficult to log on anymore. We are a very sensitive lot and find it so easy to find misunderstanding here. But, after all, understanding is what draws us here to begin with, so misunderstanding can become totally devastating. I tried to put my thoughts in a message on the board, but somehow when I previewed it, the system digested it and it never returned. I tried backing up a page, but the page had expired. I decided once again to do this one more time, as this would allow me to also place my observations of the types of people that use this board and do so in a very non-judgmental way. I felt by doing so, it may help others when it comes to the sensitive issues like the feelings of others. Bear with me please.

I find that we are divided into two distinct groups here. I know grouping is divisive and can be discriminatory, but I am not look at preferences, rather personalities. There are the curious onlookers, and those with interests in a sexual identity other than their birth sex. We won't discuss the former, but they should know that they are not only welcome, but needed here. Those who are curious about why somebody may want to be other than what they are, tend to be more accepting of us that are that way. Also those of us that are, need to give honest answers to the curious ones, that is their need here. We get back what we give.

The other group can be divided into (I feel) three distinct groups: the ones that have "arrived" at their goal, those who are on their way, and those who will never get there. I am a member of the latter. I am a wannabe, but (realistically) probably never gonna be. I have frequently been shunned by the misunderstanding of the former groups because of this. Lets look at the three so we can understand the who and the why of the folks we interact with and try to give them what they need, while they supply us with why we are here.

First, I am straight in my sexuality. I must comment that I have had hundreds of female friends I have never slept with. I find that sex can screw up a perfectly good friendship anyway so associating with someone that may be gay, is no different to me than associating with a female. Just because I would never feel sexually attracted to them, does not mean that I cannot be friendly with them. Many of my good friends here are either gay or transsexual in transition. I love our diversity and the way we get along. We supply a need for each other that can only be filled by the love and affection of another.

There are those here, in the former group who mentor those of us that are trying to come to grips with the feelings we carry inside us. Some almost live here, Like Andrew in the message section. Andrew will always answer any question that is posed to him. He is very willing and helpful and I do respect him for this. I also admire Sherry Joann for her insight and help she has shown me throughout her transition (has it really been 5 years, man I come her too much, I remember you from before). I totally love Tomas to death. He is my Idol and has been for years. Many in this group are here to help us sort out the emotional mess we call our lives.

Then there are those on the way to achieving their goals. Members that have the support and position to put themselves in a position where they can finally be where they feel they need to be. Members like my good friend Sag111, who gave being a eunuch a 2 year test drive before considering anything permanent and irreversible. These people are lucky. Their transition does not cost them their lives. They have family that, if not supportive, at least makes an attempt to find understanding. They have careers that allow for change and they have a situation that will not be diminished because of their new identity. I am thankful that they have this.

Finally, and regrettably, there is a very large group here, that, like myself, find themselves in a situation where their life gets in the way of their desires. I am never going to be anything but a fraud. I will be a male impersonator until I die. I live with this. Does that make me a bad person?

I think of so many of my friends here that, like me, live in constant fear of being "outed" before they are ready. I sneak into a shed in my back yard to chat at home. A shed with no windows and 1X4 floors and cedar walls with no insulation, just to be out of the house, out of sight, but, as Sag111 will tell you, not out of earshot. Just to find some peace from a home life that is both far from understanding and a job that would never tolerate me deviating from the puritanical norm. What are my options? I realistically have none.

So when you are here chatting with someone that wants to identify as a female, that may not have even started transitioning, is it really all that wrong to call them "She"? Please try to think of how good that would make them feel. If you invite them to sit on your lap, just pretend they are female. After all, this is just a cyber reality and many of us may never get closer than this.

We get so fogged by our upbringing that says we cannot touch a "man" "there" that even in our cyber reality, it is just not ever done. But why not? This human being that has been there for you, also has needs. I love you Deirdre, as a person. I see you as the woman you want to be. I love Jema too and get so much of what I need from them that it is wonderful when we are together (in our altered reality). I also love RichardUK. I know I will never meet Christina, or Lilac or Deirdre. That does not mean I don't care for them as a person.

I thank you all for what you have given me. I will always be grateful to you for that. I just cannot handle the emotional involvement I have with the folks that live here right now. It is not any one person, it is mostly me. I care too much. Most of the really good friends I have here I will still see on yahoo but for now I have to heal. I will be back soon. I always come back.

My love to all

Toad

[Tomas (imported)]

I will be back soon. I always come back.

My love to all

Toad

Take care, toad, and do hurry back.

Tom

[jemagirl (imported)]

My Dearest Toad,

You are so dear to our harts. We will miss you while you are taking time to heal. I thank you for all you have done for me and I am glad that you know when you need to take care of yourself. I can never think of you as any thing but one of the most genuine loving people I have ever met in cyber. You are real to me.

Be well and we will be here for you when you come back,

Jema

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Once again, I am finding it difficult to log on anymore. We are a very sensitive lot and find it so easy to find misunderstanding here.

Dear Toad:

You can't just leave us . How can we face life toadless? I realize how feelings can get scratched, bruised or severely damaged, but that's why were here - to work it out.

Toad, you are one of the finest human beings I ever have chatted with. You were kind to everybody, even this senile old wolf I know. You never lost your temper or had an unkind word for anyone or anything. You could see the better side of the miseries that life occassionally throws at us.

In other words Toad, you were a Saint. I don't normally believe in much of anything spirtual, but I believe you are a Saint sent here to show us a better path - the humility path. I'm far from humble but you helped me head that direction.

I can't imagine chat here without the Surf_Toad. Besides, how can I get away with stealing chickens from sag unless I have my rabbit-food eating Toad -Defense-Shield. I'll have to give up chickens:(

Toad - when you have time to think it over, I hope you will realize you have too many friends here who love you and will miss you to leave us to the cruel fate of a Toadless World.

You made chat funny when it was slow. You were always in good spirits. You ARE a kind and loving child of god who deserves and has many friends here.

Don't leave us for long Toad.

I can speak for all the OP's and most of the chatters, we want you back Toad - We need your compassion. We were better with you. We will be much less without you

Your friend,

MacTheWolf (Ron)

[sag111 (imported)]

Well my friend you are always their for me and now its my turn .I will always be here for you and i know you will be back but do take it easy .I know the person who upset you and they feel so bad they left crying so we all love you my friend and we will chat sone.Things wont be the same without you.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Surf... I only met you on line the other day. I admit I have not read your entire open letter. I printed it. But I will immediately say this, " It has been said, You can not please all the people all the time.. I am wondering if you can please any of the people any of the time." I think when yuo met me the other day, you quickly realized the very close assocation between me and Luvpain99. He is kinda like my little brother. The two of us love to help other people.. So cheer up Toad.. Things will get better. Get back here and chat..We all have mental and emotion issues. We do need to be here to help and support each other.

[Andrew (imported)]

Even if you are taking a sabbatical from the EA, please remember I will always be available by phone, E-mail, or Snail-mail if you have any questions, or if you just want to chat. (What we AA types call "phone therapy.)

:catclock:

[surf_toad (imported)]

i love you Andrew. i am just not hanging out in the chatroom until i am stronger. i care too much for everybody and the last couple of months have been difficult for me! thanks all that have replied. i will get better. i need you guys. this is my only world.

[Christina (imported)]

Dear surf-toad,

I read this thread earlier today, but I was upset at what I read and did not reply then. I was upset that a good friend I have come to know had been hurt. I don't like to see anyone hurt, good friend or not, it upsets me. So now that I've had some time to digest these thoughts and emotions and composed myself again, I can reply to this thread.

Surf-toad my friend, I truely understand your plight and the heartache you must feel at times. Although I can not walk in your shoes, I do feel your hurt about how all these things can be missunderstood. You may not think so, but I find it hard sometimes to deal with the success others have in transition or reaching their goals. This is a side of me most do not know about and I tend not to talk about it much because it brings feelings that sometimes I can't deal with. I try to be strong in light of this, I know it must be an even harder struggle for you to overcome at times.

Over the years, I have come to know many people in the chat room and on the message board. A lot of them by real names, not just screen names. I feel like they are my extended family. We share our lives together, and most of the time on a daily basis, so it's no wonder we get to like one another and miss them when the go absent. This is true of a lot of folks I know in the chat room and here. I was not there when this lastest issue occured. I know the people who were involved, and it wasn't just on this occasion that there was missunderstandings. One of the things I have seen over the years are, that some statements made in the chat, were taken the wrong way by many people. This can be devistating sometimes. I hope this was the case this time. Cyber chat is a good alternative to being face to face with someone, especially when it's almost impossible to do so in real life. But it lacks something. That something is the true meaning of what was said and the emotional context of the statement. We can try to overcome this with punctuation and graphical typing, but it's not the same as if you were there speaking to that person. The true feeling can get lost.

I, for one, will miss you while you are gone, but I understand your reasons for this. Take all the time you need my friend. If you want to talk and keep yourself low key for a while, you know how to reach me. Don't feel that you may burden me. I have been there and can bounce back.

[lilac (imported)]

Surf... I only met you on line the other day. I admit I have not read your entire open letter. I printed it. But I will immediately say this, " It has been said, You can not please all the people all the time.. I am wondering if you can please any of the people any of the time." I think when yuo met me the other day, you quickly realized the very close assocation between me and Luvpain99. He is kinda like my little brother. The two of us love to help other people.. So cheer up Toad.. Things will get better. Get back here and chat..We all have mental and emotion issues. We do need to be here to help and support each other.

Hey toad,

I have 3 things to say. Maybe 4, You touched me sweetie. I am crying here. I do love u alot. Please keep in touch, u know how.

Love always, Lilac

ps. well maybe 5, You will be missed my lovely friend.

[Andrew (imported)]

i love you Andrew. i am just not hanging out in the chatroom until i am stronger. i care too much for everybody and the last couple of months have been difficult for me! thanks all that have replied. i will get better. i need you guys. this is my only world.

I regret that I rarely visit the chat room nowadays. Mostly because I am so busy with other things. Especially my 4 senior cats. Time time time...

[Ulysses (imported)]

Surf_Toad

I would prefer to use your real name when replying to this very personal post ......... but I dont know it, despite having chatted to you and shared much with you over the past number of months. You are obviously a very private person and I will respect your privacy.

For what it is worth, my legal name is Ciara. It is neither my birth name, nor would it necessarily be my name of choice but as someone who was baptised as Ciaran, it makes sense that it is my legal name these days.

You have two faults Toad .................

The first is that you don't realise your strength or your contribution to EA, esp. the chatroom. I have spoken to you about my frustration at the level of debate, or rather lack of it, in the chatroom. Quite simply, the chatroom without Toad is a much more empty and less friendly space than when Toad is present. Were it not for you &, to a lesser extent, 2 or 3 others I wouldn't be a visitor to the chatroom. If you do leave the chatroom, then I won't be back ......... thats' not a threat, it is simply reality ........ you fail to appreciate your contribution to this room. You are the closest thing that the chatroom has to a relationship manager and, if that is the correct name for your role there, it is a role you perform with excellence.

Your second fault is that you are too loving a person .......... and, unfortunately, I do mean that is a fault as, in the 21st century, people who are too loving are the first to get hurt, to get trodden on etc and the people to whom the insecure first look when they make accusations. As a consequence, many of us put on an outer facade of strength and try to ignore those things that cause us angst. Sometimes we can do this, sometimes we cannot ......... is it any wonder that stress levels across USA & Western Europe are at record levels ???

As for the comments you have received ........... I would like you to expose these faceless people but can totally appreciate that you may not want to do this. What I would reiterate is that the opinions of your close friends on this forum (especially Sag, Jema, Christina, IEunuch ...... but there are others too) surely count for more than the opinions of cowards.

I also know that you have had a difficulty over a misunderstanding with one member of the Forum ........... that is sad, but misunderstandings do occur and are more prevalent when the communication is electronic and not face to face. But, you and her can overcome this ....... re-establishing a friendship is possible and, due to your openess & honesty, should not be that difficult. In fact, such a friendship can be strenghtened in these situations - as the angst and gap in your life when you lose a friendship is the most direct way of telling both of you what the friendship really means.

Oh by the way, Toad, I mentioned what I saw as your 2 faults above. I didn't mention your strengths. In terms of your strengths, I could talk about your friendly manner, your intelligence, the broad perspective in which you can view and appreciate life, your humour (even if I think American humour sucks), your ease for making people feel comfortable ...... and I could continue with the list but it would take too long and I don't like using too many words so, to summarise, your strength is your humanity ...... but you must know this already

Quis separabit

Ulysses

[Iwtbaw (imported)]

Surf_Toad, You know how I care about you. I love you Surf, when you're down I feel sad inside. You have done so much for me in chat when I was hurting inside, because of my height and size; You made me feel pretty and very much a woman.

Its a sad reality that so many people just won't ever understand us,The word is full of bigots and homophobes. They are the ones missing out: For they will never get to really know such warm and beautiful people as yourself.

One thing I have learned here is to have Hope. No matter how you think the cards are stacked against you. There is always hope. And your situation Can change, just when you least expect it. So put on a smile Surf_Toad, and have Hope.

Don't stay away long. You are a part of this family.

Hugs, Deirdre

[luvpain (imported)]

i would have to say I probaly have those to fults also, and can understand your frustrations. I can usually recognize ASSHOLEs that are lying or playing games or just wanting to get off and ignor them. However some ASSHOLES are not easy to spot.

A prime example is someone that befriended me, claiming they were in 20s and castrated against their will because of cancers. I spent over 6 months chatting with him on and off before I finally found out he was a a 5x year old bastard just plaing mind games to get heimself off. Things like that are very hard to deal with.

I right now I am dealing with another ASSHOLE that is stalking me and making me feel uncomfortable. He has finally given up at least for the time being. I personally have learned to ignor any AOL user as they seem to be the worst for causing problems. There are some good AOL users in the chat room but they equate to about 5%.

If anyone have any problems with certain users please inform one of the Operators they have @ in front of their names. The same goes for other ops bring your concerns to me or another Op in the room and I/they will try and help resolve the problem.

-Matt

[Riverwind (imported)]

wow, I loose my dsl line for 10 days and dial up is well it is not, but I am back online again.

It is my possition that no one should be insulted, stocked, etc in the chat room. op or chat user. The chat room is and must be a friendly place. I have a lot of ops to help that along as we all cant be on at the same time.

Toad, I am sorry, I am real sorry because I have no idea what happened. If you want to talk about it with me my email address is [email protected] .

The Eunuch Archive is made up of people from every walk of life, age, sexual preference, we are str8, gay, bi, transgendered, young, old, married, divorsed, with partner, alone, we are all colors, and all nationallities. We are a melting pot with some of the best people I have ever met, some only here in the chat room others in person.

We must remember that we are all different and have different backgrounds and embrace them, not insult them.

As Luvpain said above, if someone is bothering you tell an op @. All ops pass this information on to me.

Insult someone in my chat room and I will ban you and your whole f cou----- no that was another case.

To all be nice or you will hear from me.

Riverwind/Tom

[limpdick (imported)]

Dear Toad, Please heal quickly and gather strength, for u will be missed. Come back soon. We need u as much as u need us. Hope to see u shortly. limpy