Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I find it interesting or odd how I like to remember time spans since becoming a eunuch. I think about the 15 years since becoming a eunuch. I think about the 15 years that I have not been physically or sexually assaulted. I think about the 10 years since the continued abusive phone calls ended. I guess I think back to all those milestones in becoming myself, the time when healing began and when I began to assert and protect myself. Today is an anniversary that goes from happiness to happiness in two short years.

Two years ago today I brought my adopted dog home from the Humane Society. What a great two years it has been. I never thought I would enjoy walking around town as much as I do. I used to stay indoors as much as possible due to residual fear of bumping into my abuser/rapist. Now my beagle and I proudly walk all over the West end of town. People often comment they are surprised how far we go. Many times at the drive thru ATM between the cars is a eunuch and his dog waiting their turn for cash. There were times I would get in the car and drive to the rental office but since they love Corky we walk up there together. My dog has taught me what I used to know but had forgotten is that walking is an acceptable form of transportation.

If you are an introvert and do not meet people easily get a dog. A cat will not do unless you walk the cat. Corky is a much better judge of people than I am. I had a wonderful diiner last night at a friend's apartment thanks to Corky. Corky instantly took to this woman and she has enjoyed seeing him around. We in turn got to know one another and have become friends. In the two years with Corky I find I like a higher percentage of pet owners more than I do the general population. Corky is very friendly and once you show him affection he does not forget you or let you pass without his displaying how glad he is to see you.

Yes I am now one of those dog parents who think of their pet as more than just a dog. I was so nervous when I first brought him home because I had not had a pet since high school. This was also the first time I was totally responsible for another living thing. I could not understand how parents dealt with infants. Corky would find something in the grass and eat it and I would about worry myself over his chance of getting sick. Being a beagle/hound mix he is susceptible to back strains and when he did have problems I was off to the vets in an instant. Seeing him struggle to move at such a young age brought me to tears. He has recovered and he takes glucosamine to prevent future problems. I am becoming less neurotic about his health.

When I was first thinking about getting a dog I imagined myself holding him and crying when I was sad. Well that has never happened. I still have dark times but I do not become sad like before. He is just so much fun and I think all the walking helps my mood. The positive interactions with people certainly helps. I find that I am very proud of my dog due to his friendliness with all. I enjoy all the kids that run up to him to pet and play with him.

Today is a very happy day.

[tugon (imported)]

My sister was going on that she wished I could meet a man. I reminded her of some of the great choices I had made. I told her that me alone with my dog is what I want and need right now. She of course does not know I am a eunuch. She does not know I have no desire to be with anyone.

After the converstaion I was thinking about how seldom anyone has tried to introduce me to someone. I wondered if this related to the area where I live and if two gay men meet on their own no one can be blamed for fixing them up. Often I hear of a single woman that people want to hook her up with one of their male friends. I just do not hear about the nice single guy at work hoping to be introduced to someone.

When I lived in Dayton the assistant manager where I worked did try to fix me up with someone. That did not go well and I was told I was too feminine. The guy was a troll and I was glad he was not interested in me so I did not have to tell the guy who tried to fix me up his friend was ugly and rude. The only other time I was introduced to someone was when a female friend wanted to introduce me to her husband's brother. She knew I was in a relationship but she obviously did not approve. I sat down at the table and read the disapproval on his face. Why is it gay men expect the blind date to be an adonis and porn star model. This guy spent his time making me feel like I was not gay enough. He was recenly out of the closet and wanted to be as gay as he could be.

There are times I would like to meet someone who could share mutual interests.

[Milkman (imported)]

Interesting post. I am in a good stable relationship at this point. We share lots of mutual interests and enjoy each others company. This is the main reason I have decided against castration. On the other hand we have a dull, routine sex life. I think back to all of the awesome sex partner's I have had, but there seems to be a correlation between sexual intensity and a troubled life. One of my favorite sex partners ended up in jail and several others have gone from one problem to the next. Apparently a really big dick is a marker for a looser...

[tugon (imported)]

. Apparently a really big dick is a marker for a looser...

I have often heard that god gives man only one big organ. At this stage of my life a big brain and mentally healthy brain is the most important. Of course they also say like water seeks it's own level people of equal mental health find each other. Oh shit!

Thoughts of relationships come up after someone spends time telling me how much better life would be if shared with someone. This morning after all that talk I thought of the things I wanted to do today and how easy it would be to do the things together or divide the tasks and have them done quickly. My morning was spent walking the dog for a stool specimen for the vet. It is Corky's 6 month checkup. Now I need to fix breakfast but it would have been nice to come home to breakfast. Hot coffee and something good to eat after being out is the cold for two hours. Yes I needed that specimen. Oh well made my own coffee and now I am going to make an omlette and some toast. Maybe in my next life.

[tugon (imported)]

As a eunuch I am constantly reminded that most men have no concept of my being a eunuch. A friend called to boast about a sexual conquest. He was interested enough in his story that he did not realize how little I was responding to his tales. Luckily over the phone he could not see my facial expressions and my yawns. On one hand his conversation had no effect on me one way or another. In the past such frank conversation would have troubled me due to my history. Pre castration such conversation would have sent me on the hunt. Today the boasting was just noise in my ears.

There are things in life that you can only share with folks who have similar life experiences. On the EA I can relate to others and be understood as a no T eunuch. As a victim of abuse I find more comfort in talking with other abuse survivors. I have one wonderful friend who has had no trauma in his life and we have so much fun when we are together that I can feel as if I had no trauma. I have good people in my life who can understand different aspects of my life and those who have no clue and they are just fun. I am glad that I have healed to a point where someones sexual discussion is no longer bothersome.

[george2u2 (imported)]

At age 61, I was not looking for a relationship.

I had a wife of 33 years in a nursing home, two offspring and a son in law living in my house.

Then I saw this gray bearded smile at a gay pride parade. We check on each other and care about each other. We sleep together, but the only debauchery is the dog liking himself at the foot of the bed.

[jako9999 (imported)]

Life is but a journey to the end and its great to be able to talk to so many new like minded friends.

[tugon (imported)]

George2u2 sounds like you are in a loving relationship. I do have the dog at the foot of the bed licking himself.

When my levels first dropped after castration I had a great need for love and affection. So much so that I wasted years trying a third time to have a relationship with the same man. I think I was looking for physical safety and familiarity. Sadly my emotions took a beating. One day my prince will come

Now many years later the intense eunuch need for love and affection has faded. I would still like to meet someone but at this point in life it is not as achingly important as it was the first months after castration.

I am glad winter is almost over. I do not know if it is no T or seasonal affective disorder but I feel very vulnerable when it is cold and snowy. I feel more alone this time of year. I woke up this morning and my waking thought was I wish I had someone to help. Rethinking that feeling while walking the dog was I have always handles things alone. It would be nice to have someone to do things with and do nice things for one another.

Of course in a few months much of the feelings will be gone. I will be extolling the joys of living alone. I know that soon my trust issues will remind me I feel safer alone. No worry about anyone else involved with the care of my dog. I look forward to Spring.

[tugon (imported)]

As a young child I was very thin. I think this was an embarrassment to my parents. After puberty I began to put on weight and became chubby. I know this was an embarrassment to my mother.

As a child and incredibly thin and very nervous I was taken to every all you can eat event. I think I became a bit of a performance artist due to the large number of whatever they were serving I could eat. People would keep count of how many of something I could eat. Oh he must have a hollow leg. Where does he put it all? Is he going to get sick?

For some reason the memories of my father always weighing me has been troubling me. Weighing me and checking out my finger nails is coming to my conscious mind. I must have been trimming my nails by tearing them with other nails. I was never a nail biter but I would use my thumb nails to tear the other nails. I am unable to remember if I was being weighed because I was too thin or too fat but I knew I was wrong whatever I weighed. I remember standing on that scale and being lectured by my father.

I hate remembering. I hate all the tears and feeling like a mistake. I hate being that helpless child again.

[tugon (imported)]

As I think about my life I realize there is much I never understood. I find it odd that I never found kissing stimulating or erotic. I have told myself it would be special if I was in love and kissing my lover. Well no it was not special. I watch people kiss and wonder what all the excitement is about. I have felt this way pre and post castration.

I do not know why I have felt that way. As I have posted before I avoid hugs or physical touch. The last time I saw friends from Vermont they both hugged me. She commented that she wanted a bigger hug and I sighed and said I was out of practice with hugs. He gives big bear hugs. They want me to come visit but I do not to avoid hugs. It could be worse and they could be huggers and kissers.

Maybe one day I can bond with a human like I have my dog.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Can't you just be honest and say hugging makes you uncomfortable and just ask them not to? I wouldn't imagine hugging would be the make or break of the friendship if you are already good friends. Just tell them its a personal quirk and you can't help how you feel. Regardless you still want to see them.

Maybe that just would be as uncomfortable for you?

[tugon (imported)]

Can't you just be honest and say hugging makes you uncomfortable and just ask them not to? I wouldn't imagine hugging would be the make or break of the friendship if you are already good friends. Just tell them its a personal quirk and you can't help how you feel. Regardless you still want to see them.

Maybe that just would be as uncomfortable for you?

They were an example of how the idea of being hugged keeps me out of certain social situations. I do not see them often enough to make an issue out of it. Being touched is becoming more difficult with age. Letting someone hug me is like someone who has the fear of heights looking down from an observation deck. Maybe one day it might be pleasurable.

I do have trouble asserting myself. Of course that may be well known to many at the EA.

[C&TL2745 (imported)]

....

Letting someone hug me is like someone who has the fear of heights looking down from an observation deck. Maybe one day it might be pleasurable.....

Probably not. From what I've read, I gather that children who have been hugged and kissed by their parents from the day they were born grow up (in the main) into adults who crave physical contact. Those who do not experience such early-childhood displays of affection generally do not. For the most part, it's not something one learns to like. Babies who are held and cuddled and hugged and touched tend to thrive; those who aren't don't, on average, do as well. But if physical contact is not in your background, I see nothing wrong with telling your relatives that you like them but that you have this thing about physical contact and hope they can respect that.

Best wishes.

Sandi

[ukdesexed (imported)]

As I think about my life I realize there is much I never understood. I find it odd that I never found kissing stimulating or erotic. I have told myself it would be special if I was in love and kissing my lover. Well no it was not special. I watch people kiss and wonder what all the excitement is about. I have felt this way pre and post castration.

.

I can relate to your post , i to have and never quite understood hugging and kissing, in fact any outward signs of affection, here in Europe people enjoy kissing when they greet you, a quick peck on the cheek, i do my best to avoid it and cringe if i cant it is so completely unnatural to me and I try to keep away from such situations, my close friends all know this and don't put me through it, when I was young i went with girls because i was told it was what you do, then I went with boys because I was told if you didn't enjoy girls you must be gay, I ended up going to the extreme S&M side of things where physical signs of affection weren't required, the more brutal and distant from each other the better, I deliberately tried to find violent distant men who would rather give you a punch than a kiss, not as easy as it sounds but eventually had a long term relationship with such a man, he was as incapable of giving affection as i was of receiving it, but still felt I was trying to fit in with something that wasn't quite me. Now I am older i no longer go with either sex and i realise I am the happiest I have been, the last two occasions I had sex was to please the man i was with, not for myself so decided i had enough, now i am on my own for the last two years leading a complete nonsexual life, i enjoy peoples company and i have a very small group of friends i have known since my late teens which is enough for me, but i don't want or need physical contact, and have come to the understanding its OK to be like this, its other people who don't get this not me, so why try to fit in when I so obviously don't, we don't all need physical contact to be happy, it is society which makes us think we do..

[tugon (imported)]

Thanks for your input. I never thought of it quite that way. Unfamiliar situations can cause anxiety and affection has been unfamiliar. Mother would remind me we never bonded. Always sounded partially my fault. We never?

Probably not. From what I've read, I gather that children who have been hugged and kissed by their parents from the day they were born grow up (in the main) into adults who crave physical contact. Those who do not experience such early-childhood displays of affection generally do not. For the most part, it's not something one learns to like. Babies who are held and cuddled and hugged and touched tend to thrive; those who aren't don't, on average, do as well. But if physical contact is not in your background, I see nothing wrong with telling your relatives that you like them but that you have this thing about physical contact and hope they can respect that.

Best wishes.

Sandi

[tugon (imported)]

I remember when I realized being hit was more comfortable than being hugged. Being slapped by mom and punched by dad was the physical attention I received. I remember being attracted to straight men who would use me for oral sex. I never had to worry about them wanting to do anything for me. I could have a crush on them and not worry about it being mutual. I knew they would remain emotionally unavailable to me.

One man turned violent and abusive and I never had a clue how to end it. I guess in some ways it was familiar. The first time he raped me at gunpoint one of my thoughts were that it makes sense that this would happen. It almost seemed like a normal progression of the abuse I always suffered. One day a friend stood me up and I was hurt. I thought of my rapist and how if he said he was coming over he would show up. Of course who knew what condition I would be in when he left. But still I missed him for no other reason than for 17 1/2 years he never stood me up.

I am still attracted to the same type of men so castration has helped me not to get involved due to my sexual addiction. I am also happy with a small circle of friends who accept me for me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I can relate to your post , i to have and never quite understood hugging and kissing, in fact any outward signs of affection, here in Europe people enjoy kissing when they greet you, a quick peck on the cheek, i do my best to avoid it and cringe if i cant it is so completely unnatural to me and I try to keep away from such situations, my close friends all know this and don't put me through it, when I was young i went with girls because i was told it was what you do, then I went with boys because I was told if you didn't enjoy girls you must be gay, I ended up going to the extreme S&M side of things where physical signs of affection weren't required, the more brutal and distant from each other the better, I deliberately tried to find violent distant men who would rather give you a punch than a kiss, not as easy as it sounds but eventually had a long term relationship with such a man, he was as incapable of giving affection as i was of receiving it, but still felt I was trying to fit in with something that wasn't quite me. Now I am older i no longer go with either sex and i realise I am the happiest I have been, the last two occasions I had sex was to please the man i was with, not for myself so decided i had enough, now i am on my own for the last two years leading a complete nonsexual life, i enjoy peoples company and i have a very small group of friends i have known since my late teens which is enough for me, but i don't want or need physical contact, and have come to the understanding its OK to be like this, its other people who don't get this not me, so why try to fit in when I so obviously don't, we don't all need physical contact to be happy, it is society which makes us think we do..

[tugon (imported)]

As a caregiver to the elderly I do not choose what is on the TV. So I would like to take a minute and tell Doctors Oz and Phil to just shut up. I am not saying they do not help some but when they make everything so easy to fix I get a little pissed.

Today Dr. Oz has an inspirational speaker that was telling us we can work through our problems in a few easy steps. Of course we can lose weight and look younger in a few easy steps. Damn if I knew it was that easy. Those who are unable to fix their lives in those easy steps must feel like failures. I still struggle with issues, I am fat and do not look 29. Sorry Oz

Of course according to Dr. Phil I just need to order his book "Life Code" oh and it is published by his son's publishing company. That one book will give me the skills I need to turn my life around. Who knew it was all so simple?

Tomorrow I have the day off so I will not know what is wrong with me or how easy a fix it is. I will just enjoy my dog and tell him he is perfect. He will give me kisses as if I was perfect.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

This is clearly a remarkably fine animal with commendable insight!

[tugon (imported)]

In the past I have had times where my emotions took a vacation. I have also been concerned about having an attachment disorder. Well it seems I have detached. I have lost all interest in people.

In the past few years I have been subjected to negativity and criticism from two people. There have been few people who ever brought me comfort. I have known some people who I would even consider to be evil. Even my oldest friend is of little interest. The longer I am away from people the less they matter. I can no longer maintain emotions for people. Out of sight out of mind.

My brother is in town and wants to see me. I do not know why and I do not share the interest. We have never been close and have nothing in common. I am going to my sister's for ribs but mainly so my dog can play with her dogs. I had dinner with a young couple in my building and that is hours of my life I will never get back. I do enjoy walking my dog in the woods

I have no problem visiting cities and being in a sea of people. I just do not want to interact longer than to order a meal or make a purchase. I love exploring a city alone lost in my thoughts or trying to capture the scenes that awe me.

I am very glad I have my dog.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

I had dinner with a young couple in my building and that is hours of my life ......

I am very glad I have my dog.

Tugon, OUCH!!!

Hours of life, yes, precious. So are you. I'll hazard a guess that a certain canine, notable for his insight and compassion, those young people who extended their hearts and home, and the rest of the motley crew here, value you and the time they spend with you.

Yes, you are fortunate to have this remarkable dog, and darn it, remarkable friends who value you and your time.

While we all advise due consideration before being a eunuch, the impact of being a hermit is that much more.

We do hope you don't disappear into your hermit's "cave".

Talk to the dog about it.

[tugon (imported)]

I think of myself more today as a eunuch than a gay man. I could better relate to a eunuch pride march than a gay pride march these days. Never feeling male I never fit comfortably in the gay world. As I have posted so many times before I never wanted sex to be mutual. I only enjoyed pleasing a man and being left alone for the most part.

So now all of a sudden at 57 years of age my sister wants to attend a Pride March with me. All the years I walked in the parade and no interest on her part. Now for some reason she wants to go to the festivities. One time I went and a gentleman was passing out safety pins to remind us to be safe. He was walking down my row and gave everyone a pin. He handed one to the gentleman on my right then looked at me and handed the next one to the guy on the left. I avoid bitchy judgmental queens.

I do support the community and cheer for each victory. I just do not feel the need to march since I was there and did that for years. My sister can call someone else to go observe the party. I am scheduled to work and will just have to watch it on TV. I can sit there with my 84 year old client and can hope we see her son and granddaughter.

[nullorchis (imported)]

I think occasionally of the message: The more people I know, The more I know people, The more I like my dog.

Being not judgemental of others, and not letting it affect you when others judge you helps to make one independent and free.

Some people seem to have no problem with one or both of the above.

For others, like me, it has taken a long time to not let the judgement of others affect me.

And, like losing weight, or not gaining weight, where I need to be always aware of what I am putting into my mouth,

To avoid judging others I always need to put myself in check and be careful what comes out of my mouth (or via pen, pencil, keyboard, etc.)

All any of us want is to be liked, perhaps loved, not ignored, and if attention is bestowed on us it is not judgemental.

And I find when you give all of that to others, many will respond in like kind.

Not everyone, but enough people to create a synergy that helps add some sweetness to life.

I don't do this as a sham. But when I actually meet someone who seems as if they are down, or who might help me get up, I figure it can't hurt to try and help, or be helped. This is not in a caregiver capacity. No matter how hard we try, no 'man' is an island. It almost becomes a hobby to see if / how other people will react when you show a genuine interest in them, their life, what they do for a living, their dreams, hopes, problems. Most of us center our focus on ourselves. And when someone else becomes interested in what most interests us (ourselves), they cease thinking about me. This is much more complex than words allow. At least I found when I start to interact with othes and show an interest in them, not for selfish interests, it becomes a travel trip of great exploration that has endless opportunities. However, it does seem to work best when I am carrying a camera and am a tourist somewhere, or appear to be a tourist. People seem to throw up barriers when someone they don't know starts a conversation. But as a tourist, with a camera, they at least open to "peep window' in the door to see if they want to let you in.

[considering (imported)]

I'm always interested to note how people self-identify. Never in my life have I referred to myself as a "gay male" or a "very tall male" or a "old male" or....you see my point. I am many characteristics some of which would be of interest to others, some are obvious, some are no one's business save my own. I "outed" myself when I was eleven and that's well over a half century ago so the curiosity of my sexual preference to others has vanished. Sure, there were years and people who chose to malign me but that's their concern. Professionally I've had it out with others who did not agree with my opinions and that was their right. But in my mind I am first a male full stop. That I am a castrated male and a homosexual male are secondary characteristics that are of concern only to those who have some reason to know. And, this is just me, I dislike the word "gay" as an adjective for a male if only because it deprives me of a perfectly good adverb. No longer can I say, "it was the gayest party" as that will lead to mis-interpretation. I cannot say that I saw so and so and they looked "so gaily turned out" as, well, the obvious. What bothers me is that many people ae obsessed with demanding that people know they are "gay" as they seem to feel that should be a reason for separate treatment. (And this gets me too close to a discussion of over sensitivity, a plague that seems to be upon us.) So I'm a male, a castrated, gay, very tall, very old, male but, first, a male.

[tugon (imported)]

Now that I am in my late 50's I am secure enough in myself that my opinion of myself is not easily swayed by someone else's opinion. I did spend too many years being sensitive and vulnerable. Much of my susceptibility at being hurt came from my own personal discomfort. Now as a person comfortable in their own skin negative comments from strangers are either laughed at or responded to with a sarcastic reply. Opinions of emotionally stable family and friends are still valued.

Back in my twenties when someone would not give me a cheap little safety pin I took it as someone did not care if I was keeping myself safe. Or they thought why waste a safety pin on someone who would have no options to be unsafe. Today I would just tell him he missed me. I am much more assertive today.

I think occasionally of the message: The more people I know, The more I know people, The more I like my dog.

Being not judgemental of others, and not letting it affect you when others judge you helps to make one independent and free.

Some people seem to have no problem with one or both of the above.

For others, like me, it has taken a long time to not let the judgement of others affect me.

And, like losing weight, or not gaining weight, where I need to be always aware of what I am putting into my mouth,

To avoid judging others I always need to put myself in check and be careful what comes out of my mouth (or via pen, pencil, keyboard, etc.)

All any of us want is to be liked, perhaps loved, not ignored, and if attention is bestowed on us it is not judgemental.

And I find when you give all of that to others, many will respond in like kind.

Not everyone, but enough people to create a synergy that helps add some sweetness to life.

I don't do this as a sham. But when I actually meet someone who seems as if they are down, or who might help me get up, I figure it can't hurt to try and help, or be helped. This is not in a caregiver capacity. No matter how hard we try, no 'man' is an island. It almost becomes a hobby to see if / how other people will react when you show a genuine interest in them, their life, what they do for a living, their dreams, hopes, problems. Most of us center our focus on ourselves. And when someone else becomes interested in what most interests us (ourselves), they cease thinking about me. This is much more complex than words allow. At least I found when I start to interact with othes and show an interest in them, not for selfish interests, it becomes a travel trip of great exploration that has endless opportunities. However, it does seem to work best when I am carrying a camera and am a tourist somewhere, or appear to be a tourist. People seem to throw up barriers when someone they don't know starts a conversation. But as a tourist, with a camera, they at least open to "peep window' in the door to see if they want to let you in.

[tugon (imported)]

In the past I have never left a client. I have stayed with them until I was no longer needed. I have reached a point that for my own mental and physical health I need to be leaving. What is most amazing is I have reached this point with a freedom from guilt.

I think the years of demands, criticism and being laughed at have taken their toll. One of the caregivers changed her hair color and my client says I hope I do not laugh when I see it. I told her I did not understand her joy in laughing at others. She thinks she is so much more than she is.

Now we have a granddaughter as a caregiver. She has two children of her own. I would think between her training and life experience she would know how to dispose of a used tampon. Just when you think a job could not be more disgusting I begin to find improperly disposed of tampons. I must say they will never double as an air freshener. They are a bio hazard. As the English might say "What a bloody mess."

It may be my issue being disgusted by used personal hygiene products. I grew up in a home with 3 women who wrapped them up and I was never aware when they were being used. Having never been with a woman I am happily ignorant of those issues. As a matter of fact I have not had pussy since pussy had me.

I am paid through Saturday and that may be my last day. I have never quit a job without having another but I may have to rescue myself. I have enough in reserve to job hunt and maybe a little travel. With my health concerns I am unable to waste any more of my life.