Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Last night I had a dream that I got married. To a gentleman whom I know that I do not like and for whom I have no desire. Yet I was still happy to be married. We were going on a cruise for the honeymoon. Much like my man I have no desire to go on a cruise. Yet I was still happy to be married.

As strange as that was my long deceased mother went on the cruise with us. Her cabin needed repair so she slept with us in our cabin. Of course that delayed any chance of sex I did not want. Mother was never interested to meet any one I had dated. So the surprise that she wanted to travel with us on our honeymoon in the dream was far from reality.

Oddly I have carried the positive emotions of being married with me all through the day. This dream deserves interpretation. Feel free to add your thoughts on the dreams meanings.

[tugon (imported)]

I think that now

I have a better understanding of m

y dream. Mother would always tell me three things and two apply for this dream. The three things she would tell me is that I was fat, I would never have anyone and we never bonded. Luckily this time my obesity did not enter into the dream.

Sadly, just to prove her wrong I married someone whom I did not like and to whom I was not attracted. Oh but I would have someone. Maybe I was worthy.

As far as she travelling with us on the cruise ship it was a combination of force bonding. Nothing says bonding like following your gay son and his husband on their honeymoon. Then having to share your room for the night.

[tugon (imported)]

First off I am a no T eunuch so I am immune to most of the physical world. I find little interest in fleshly desires. I enjoy my mostly solitary life and would love to be a recluse except for the time food would be delivered. I have my music, art and my dog whose only flaw is needing to go outside to satisfy his needs. Oh he does create interactions with others due to his cuteness and desire to meet others.

Today a younger man saw me walking my dog and he pulled into a parking area near me. He mentioned he had not seen me in awhile and not knowing what to say I said you are not home much. We have been cordial with one another as I felt was expected with neighbors. I had spent one evening on his patio during a dog walk and we chatted. He had offered me a beer but I explained I was a wine drinker and I had a few glasses already. Today he invited me to stop by and shared that he now keeps wine in his apartment.

He is the corn fed boy next door. He is a construction worker. He has the kind of smile that is both ornery and seductive. When he was inviting me over and smiling the way he was I wanted to mention that I am immune to his charms. As I was having images of what I could do for him I realized I needed a booster shot for my immunity. What a rare combination of kindness and sexy. Do not smile that smile at me.

[tugon (imported)]

I hope age is not catching up to me. As I posted I had a fall on New Year's Day that I had no memory of falling only waking up face first in the mud and water. My doctor was quite concerned that I had a fall with no memory of tripping or any physical reason for the fall. She wanted me to be tested but I of course was not too willing for something that only happened once. Well as my falls have continued I will be tested very soon.

My most recent fall was Sunday morning. I tend to fall to my right side. The right side of my face is now a combination of scabs, swelling and bruises. My ribs are sore and bruised. When I fell Sunday and so tired of falling that I was going to lie there, cry and not move. Then I heard my dog and knew I had to get it together and take him out for a walk. I got dressed, got him ready and the bleeding had stopped so we went on our walk. When we returned I fed him and went to bed to rest up for night shift.

I have spent more times with my face in the carpet than ever before. Friends jokingly call me a carpet muncher. At my job guests think I was in some form of physical altercation protecting them. I mention that I will always keep my guests safe and of course I would. I did ask the management team at what point am I too grotesque to come too work. I now have a great Halloween face but too late for a haunted house.

This Wednesday the testing will begin with an Echocardiogram and a cardiac monitor to monitor my heart rhythms for 21 days. I will also see a neurologist to rule out any neurological issues with my family history of Parkinson's disease. I do have some neurological issues that are becoming more frequent. Trouble with gagging while swallowing liquids, reduced balance, my gait is slower and my voice is becoming quieter.

It will be interesting to find out if it is heart or brain.

[plix (imported)]

Any further news on your health issues? I've been worried about you......hope everything is OK! That definitely sounds scary!

[tugon (imported)]

No news from my doctor but a big bill for the testing. The falls stopped as suddenly as they started. If you remember the time I fell next to your car and I had always been a faller. This was just a brief period of more frequent falls. I had some great black eyes that brought me attention at work such as the time my boss told a guest I would do it because she was my boss. I took off my glasses so the guest could easily see my "shiner" and I said this is what happened if I did not do as she said. Another time a frequent guest asked what had happened and I told him I just had my performance evaluation. Humor aside I was looking rough a few times at work.

I did not see the neurologist yet and now am worried about the extra expense. At one point upon returning from Paris my doctor thought my pancreas was failing due to elevated blood sugars. Next they were concerned about my low red, white and platelets but now looking at years of blood work they have decided my blood is stable and low is how I run. Now I wish I had not mentioned the falls since they had always been part of my lack of coordination. Next time I will wait until there is actually a problem and not a doctor making me feel like there is a huge problem looming.

Thanks for asking.

[plix (imported)]

No problem! I'm sure others were wondering as well. Rest assured that I also read each post to your blog, even if I as well don't always have a ton to say!

That stinks about the bill.....I've definitely been there before. The way I would probably look at it though is it's best not to take chances with your health. I'm a hypocrite though since there was the time I was having abdominal pain but refused to go to the ER despite everyone's concern about appendicitis. Like you, my concern was the cost involved. The joys of being poor.....putting money over one's health!

[tugon (imported)]

I took my dog to the vet for his yearly check up and his vaccines. He is negative for heart worm but positive for Lyme disease. She said some things after that but I had shut down. She is calling tomorrow to tell me more about his lab work.

Wow he is my world and I will do everything he needs to be as healthy as possible.

[sparkey49 (imported)]

So glad you are finding some peace in all of what you have endured and hope everything keeps getting better and to heck with anyone's negativity!

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I wish you both the best. I understand that you had shut down when she said some things. I know how much you love your dog and your dog loves you. I know you will do an

ything he needs to be as healthy as possible.

[tugon (imported)]

I wish you both the best. I understand that you had shut down when she said some things. I know how much you love your dog and your dog loves you. I know you will do an

ything he needs to be as healthy as possible.

Thank you and yes I would do anything for him. Saturday morning Corky went from Corky to Eeyore. Corky who is alert and watches everything to Eeyore who hangs his head and slumps along. When we returned home Corky got in bed and I watched his hind legs spasm. I gave him some pain medication but could not get him to eat. He has hurt his back before and the sign of his not eating or drinking indicated he would not be getting up anythime soon.

I had to work Saturday night but I hated to leave him. I had given him more pain meds at 4:00 PM but was afraid to give him anymore later since he was not eating or drinking. I did not want him to reach toxic levels since he was not going to urinate either. I cam home this morning and his tail was wagging which pleased me. Of course I was impressed he could go 24 hours without having to void. I gave him his usual half a pill when he is in pain and we have had two very nice walks today. So I am much happier today.

[tugon (imported)]

So glad you are finding some peace in all of what you have endured and hope everything keeps getting better and to heck with anyone's negativity!

sparkey49 I just recently saw your post and I wanted to thank you for your support.

[tugon (imported)]

I awoke this morning after a very trying night. My sleep was interrupted by flashback nightmares. I remembered seven of them and after calming myself down I would go back to sleep. Once asleep a new one would begin. I have not had a night like this in so many years. It is not good to relive a violent past. I was very emotional this morning and my first thought is "I can no longer live in this body". Oddly the body has healed but the spirit and mind are still hurting.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Did Mr Corky have anything good to contribute? Usually reliable at difficult times.....

[tugon (imported)]

Did Mr Corky have anything good to contribute? Usually reliable at difficult times.....

He luckily is not burdened by the dark past. We did not know each other then. He of course is always a comfort even if he cannot comprehend the depths of my sadness.

[tugon (imported)]

As I had mentioned Monday night and the PTSD dreams just about did me in but I had to pull myself together. I crawled out of bed Tuesday morning and poured a glass of wine, snuggled with my dog and called a friend. I shared with her the dreams of seven different times I was assaulted and how realistic the dreams had been. I took Mr. Corky out to walk me around the neighborhood and then back home to prepare for my day providing care to a client for the home care agency.

Still hurting but then a message appeared on Facebook from someone who had been a special part of my life. He did not know if I would remember him and I responded with a hell ya I remember you. Oh wow one of the few times I lost myself to a man and the passions we shared. I have been enjoying his messages due to the way he writes. The last time I saw him I had said no which hurt since someone asked me to commit to him. What a huge fucking mistake that was.

Even though nothing can come of our being back in touch it is nice to communicate. From the devastation of Monday to the great memories I would like to go for a lone walk.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Steady how you go. The past is a mixed bag; there are poopy parts hidden, only to be discovered when we go poking into it. Tomorrow has many good things, and the hope that you will achieve the greatness that Mr Corky already believes in you.

[tugon (imported)]

No nothing can come of our being in contact. I was pleased and flattered he remembered me and reached out. I oft times remember people how they were when last together and when he told me he was a grandfather my first thought was he was too young. Of course then I had to remember how old I am now. No there is a chance of causing too much pain and heartache. I do like reading about his life and successes. When you do not have many happy memories it is nice when one comes back for however brief a time it may be.

[tugon (imported)]

What happened to the edit button? I used their instead of there. Damned annoying this site anymore.