Regrets

[plix (imported)]

Some of you know that in recent times I have developed some serious regrets over my castration. For various reasons, I have chosen not to take HRT.

I am searching to see if there are others out there who regret castration but have decided to accept it rather than take HRT. How are you adjusting to it? How do you deal with any negative feelings you might have over your new state and all that goes with it?

If there is no one who can relate, perhaps someone knows of people who are in this situation or can provide a resource that can give information.

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...

I have developed some serious regrets over my castration....

Would you mind elaborating a bit on your "regrets"? According to your profile, your are 21 (+/- a smidgeon), and I am wondering if your age has something to do with your regrets. Maybe with a bit more information, assuming that you would be willing to share such, someone might be in a better position to offer advice or counsel. For me, right now, I cannot contribute anything that would be of likely value.

BTW, today is my fifth month anniversary, and I have no regrets whatsoever. But there are many perceived differences in our situations.

[plix (imported)]

Would you mind elaborating a bit on your "regrets"? According to your profile, your are 21 (+/- a smidgeon), and I am wondering if your age has something to do with your regrets. Maybe with a bit more information, assuming that you would be willing to share such, someone might be in a better position to offer advice or counsel. For me, right now, I cannot contribute anything that would be of likely value.

BTW, today is my fifth month anniversary, and I have no regrets whatsoever. But there are many perceived differences in our situations.

I was castrated mainly because of my gender issues. I have now concluded that I was mistaken, and that my identity is male. There was also a secondary reason of a libido I felt was too high, but now that I look back, I can see it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be.

I'd like to have that libido back, along with some function, which is where the regrets come from. Overall I don't think I made the right decision. I think I was a typical impulsive 20 year-old who didn't think things through in the long term.

[Hash (imported)]

You only have one option plix. You must use HRT (testosterone replacement). You will never get your balls back, though, because you are young you might eventually be able to get a testicle transplant. I suggest you see your primary care physician, tell them that you want to be placed on HRT and see what they offer. Androgel is easy and less problematic than patches. You just open the packet and rub it on. It's got an alcohol base, so don't rub it on your scrotum, it'll burn. Follow the instructions and you'll start feeling better in a day or two. You should start getting erections the same night.

If you don't have health insurance, compounded testosterone is cheaper. To buy Androgel for a month will cost you over $200. whereas you can buy a months supply of compounded testosterone for about $50-70 depending on what apothecary/pharmacy you use. You will still need a prescription for the compounded testosterone and you'll have to call around, not every pharmacy/apothecary does compounding. If you can't find a place that compounds testosterone, use the internet. You can fax your prescription and have it sent to you through the mail. Just "google" compounded testosterone and you'll get a list of pharmacies/apothecaries that will help you. If you need further advice, just email me. Hash

[thefraj (imported)]

Hey Plix ,

As you probably already know...testosterone will almost certainly give you full libido and function back. The only thing you will be lacking is the ability to have children, and - although my figures are rusty - I think 1 in 10 intact males is infertile anyway. If you are attracted to a member of the same gender, then the children issue will almost become a non-issue.

But it would be good to work through these feelings before making another quick decision to go back on T!

Maybe the decision to be castrated was impulsive (I know it was with me too!). But there was a definite desire to be castrated, or else you (and I!) wouldn't have done it! I don't mean to belittle the issue, but if you can imagine buying an expensive car on impulse. That doesn't mean you didn't really like the car. In fact, the car seemed so good you couldn't help yourself but feel compelled to buy it immediately.

But the car is still good, and something you may have always wanted anyway. ... sorry to ramble so I guess I'm trying to say that an impulsive decision isn't necessarily a wrong decision, but could just as easily be the right decision made too quickly.

I don't know, but it would be good to remember that feeling you had before you had surgery. That the desire was there. You may believe that the libido issue (before castration!) wasn't as bad as you made it out to be. But clearly it was on your mind, or else it wouldn't have been a thought. Try to imagine what was going on in your life before surgery and allow yourself to feel those feelings again. If you had your testicles back, is it likely you would be thinking about castration now?

Difficult questions, and I'm not sure if they're supposed to be direct or rhetorical. Just worth thinking about

[nonuts (imported)]

I must admit, I can't comment intelligently. If you desire being a true eunuch, then I don't know what it is you are trying to accept. Coping with something is usually what one does when they must face something they have no control over. Such as breakup, where they can't control the feelings or actions of the other person.

[plix (imported)]

I said there were various reasons why I have chosen not to take HRT, and those reasons still apply. Some of them are as little as eunuch health benefits, and others are far more important.

So, no HRT.

I am mainly trying to learn how I can come to accept my choice and learn to live with it.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Well, Plix, we all do things we regret. Buying Enron stock, drawing on inside straights, getting castrated a bit impulsively. You're young enough that your life will still take you in directions that you've never imagined. And you've had one hell of an interesting learning experience, that's for sure.

As a person who's experienced life in at least three genders, only you can figure things out for yourself. A lot of it will come from yet more experience. From what I've seen, I think that you'd rather be an intact guy with a functioning sex drive and more energy. (Sound familiar?) It would be a lot easier to go back on testosterone now rather than deciding to try it ten years from now, after your body has had some time to adapt to things a bit more. Even if you decide that going without hormones, again, is for you, then you will really know for sure. Just be patient, as nonuts said, and you should probably keep a journal.

That said, don't expect it to be easy. Your body has had a year to adapt to its present state, and there's the whole issue of HRT not being a perfect replacement for natural testosterone. You know all this stuff. We're all here to lend you our support, as you've lent it to us.

Whatever you decide to do, we wish you the best of luck. Let us know how things work out.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

I said there were various reasons why I have chosen not to take HRT, and those reasons still apply. Some of them are as little as eunuch health benefits, and others are far more important.

So, no HRT.

I am mainly trying to learn how I can come to accept my choice and learn to live with it.

Ah, tradeoffs. I know that it's a bit personal, but would you be willing to elaborate on these other reasons, as they stand now? It seems that you have a love-hate relationship with the way things are now. We've seen the negative part earlier in this thread and in others, and you would certainly have good reasons to go on HRT if you chose to do so. I'm not trying to pressure you in any way, just trying to understand the tradeoffs that you face.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear plix,

Being a bit older than yourself, I believe you're going to find that as you go through life, there may or will be one than one decision you've made that you will end up regretting. I have a few of my own that I can confess to, i.e.; not acting on my feelings of GID at an earlier stage in my life, etc. But one of the things that I've come to find is that you CANNOT continue to carry those regrets with you. It's only going to make for a miserable existence.

What you do have to do is take whatever you can learn from the experience and apply this newly gained knowledge to making future decisions.

Don't regret something that can't be changed. It would be no different than having lost them due to medical reasons. Maybe...just maybe...there will be a reason for this in the future. You have a great deal of time ahead of you, so watch carefully for reason when it comes.

As you already know, you have many friends here that care for you as "family". We're always here so keep on sharing.

[plix (imported)]

would you be willing to elaborate on these other reasons, as they stand now?

Not publicly. One Archive member knows a big reason. He is someone I consider a good friend and have grown to trust.

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Fair enough. This is something that only you can figure out through your own experiences.

[thefraj (imported)]

Hey Plix ))HUGS((

Sorry if my last post didn't help much. I hope this one will be different. I wish I could tell you how much better you are managing at this point in your life than I ever did! You are more articulate and intelligent than I ever was!

Erica Ann is 110% right! (if such a thing is possible!) I went through similar emotions after I was castrated. I wish I could give you the answer as I clearly see it now. But your answer might be different, and your destiny perhaps in a different direction. I will dissect my own as best I can. (And sorry in advance for being such a preachy scumbag!)

First Steps

For the first step, I would like to suggest that I'm not keen on the word "regrets". Because we regret something we would (or wished that we could!) have done differently.

The decision you made, was made with your best knowledge and experience of the time. And - if you can imagine rewinding time (and your experience!) - you would likely make it over again, faced with the same world you knew back then. I hope you understand that this means I catagorically refuse to accept my own decision was wrong! How could it be, if it was destined to happen in this way?

Time changes all, and if you'd have felt then as you do now (and had the foresight!), and chosen not to be castrated... would this decision have been made by the real you? Or an artificial forgery, an imposter with your face, but with the knowledge and feelings of someone different?

You are perfect just as you are! I know how weird that sounds, and am very amazed how well your text suggest you understand what I've typed so far! I don't know if you've seen the Matrix movies, (my favourite movies of all time btw! ) The Oracle once said: "you've already made [your choice]. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

The Reason 'Why'

The reason behind it is something only you can answer. Maybe there is simply no answer? Maybe there was never a question. Maybe it is like asking "why am I gay?". It helped me to look back on my childhood for clues. Some things start to 'stick out' as being different from normal boys, and expected behaviour for guys. But this is only my path of course! Yours may be the same, it may not.

I suspect you had feelings from an early age, of being attracted to other boys? As you get older I imagine you 'learn the words' to express and articulate those feelings. I think the same is true of why you (and I!) wanted castration. But maybe this issue is complicated by the fact that there are currently no labels or words to express the phenomenon which people on these boards experience. How much more difficult this must make the whole process!

But don't let anyone fool you! You are perfect, just as you are. You should not apologise for your feelings or try to find reasons as to why you desire what you want.

Maybe - like being gay - the feelings have no definite cause and cannot be explained. Only expressed ... maybe they simply 'are'.

God I hate myself LOL. I'm going to go before I get so preachy I make myself sick! You're a wonderful person, Plix! It is worth getting introspective. This is a struggle that only you can fight and only you can win. I wish I could be there to give you a hug

Take care!

~Rog

[JesusA]

Plix,

I've known you since less than a month after your visit to Dr. Kimmel - first writing to you in July 2005. We first met in person in early August 2005 at the eunuch gathering in Minneapolis. We've talked about some of your background and your reasons for wanting to be castrated through email, over the phone, and in person. It's been exciting to watch your change and growth.

Everyone who met you in Minneapolis was convinced that you had been castrated for entirely the wrong reasons. We could all see that you were NOT "Alyssa Belle", but were clearly male inside your head, where it counts. I think we were all concerned that you might become suicidal when you discovered your mistake.

While I'm not surprised that you now have some "regrets" about having been castrated, you need to step back and rethink the history that got you to this point.

You were struggling with your sexuality and your family background. You were clearly miserable with who you were at the time. Castration seemed like the only alternative to get you to where you needed to be. There is probably nothing that could have detered you from that decision.

As a result of your castration, you have discovered a new family here in the Archive. You are a valued member of this community, where you have made many friends. Without the testosterone in your system, and WITH the joining in this community, you have learned to accept and, more importantly, LIKE who you are. It is though your castration and your membership here that you met your life partner.

Think back a year and a half ago to who you were and what you were doing. You are far happier now. Could you have reached this point without your castration? Maybe. But probably not without many more years of seeking who you truly are. More likely, not at all.

Would you be better off NOW, with all the changes that have happened in your life, if you still had you testicles? Yes. But you wouldn't be here if you still had them.

As with all of life, our decisions have both positive and negative results. You need to balance the positive against the negative. I hope that when you do, you will decide that you are better off now. That the positive far outweighs the negative.

Jesus

[mrt (imported)]

I'm sorry but my surgeon says that there is no such thing as a testical transplant.

And my experience with Androgel is that it takes 3 or more days to feel any benifits. Once your on a good level things will seem a LOT rosier.

- MrT (Middle name Period after the Mister)

You only have one option plix. You must use HRT (testosterone replacement). You will never get your balls back, though, because you are young you might eventually be able to get a testicle transplant. I suggest you see your primary care physician, tell them that you want to be placed on HRT and see what they offer. Androgel is easy and less problematic than patches. You just open the packet and rub it on. It's got an alcohol base, so don't rub it on your scrotum, it'll burn. Follow the instructions and you'll start feeling better in a day or two. You should start getting erections the same night.

If you don't have health insurance, compounded testosterone is cheaper. To buy Androgel for a month will cost you over $200. whereas you can buy a months supply of compounded testosterone for about $50-70 depending on what apothecary/pharmacy you use. You will still need a prescription for the compounded testosterone and you'll have to call around, not every pharmacy/apothecary does compounding. If you can't find a place that compounds testosterone, use the internet. You can fax your prescription and have it sent to you through the mail. Just "google" compounded testosterone and you'll get a list of pharmacies/apothecaries that will help you. If you need further advice, just email me. Hash

[thefraj (imported)]

I'm sorry but my surgeon says that there is no such thing as a testical transplant.

Hehe well not yet at least. But there is such thing as a testicle implant, I wondered about this for a little while ago, while I was still struggling with some of the feelings. I don't worry about it now, though of course explaining it to a potential partner could be an issue.

In Britain you can get it a number of places, including a BUPA (http://www.bupahospitals.co.uk/asp/cosm ... plants.asp) hospital (for around 2000 pounds?) but the ORR (http://www.o-r-r.com/orr/orr_000000.php?l=eng) will also perform this function at around 1000 pounds. But you must email them to find this out, as it isn't listed in their procedures. I enquired other places too, but these seemed like the safest (and relatively cheapest!) two best options for a UK citizen.

[JesusA]

I'm sorry but my surgeon says that there is no such thing as a testical transplant.

Your physician is somewhat wrong. There is a SINGLE documented case of a successful testicle transplant. It was from one identical twin to his brother had been born agonal (without testicles, though clearly male). It was done when they were in their early twenties and both have now produced children.

A testicle transplant between any other than identical twins is certainly many years away, if it is ever possible. There would, of course, be questions about the genetics of any sperm produced. It would be identical to the donor, not the recipient.

Testicular implants, or prostheses, are readily available and are standard for those who have lost one or both testicles to testicular cancer.

[sw1911sc (imported)]

Plix,

Testosterone hermone replacement therapy is not a black and white issue. You do not have to be fully on or fully off HRT. You can tailor the dose to fit your needs. One advantage of androgel is that you can easily control the dose, especially using the pump. Have you considered trying a low dose??

I have been a eunuch for over 5 years. I very quickly discovered that I have a serious lack of sleep issue when I am not on HRT. A low dose of androgel cured that problem.

[Kangan (imported)]

Some of you know that in recent times I have developed some serious regrets over my castration. For various reasons, I have chosen not to take HRT.

I am searching to see if there are others out there who regret castration but have decided to accept it rather than take HRT. How are you adjusting to it? How do you deal with any negative feelings you might have over your new state and all that goes with it?

If there is no one who can relate, perhaps someone knows of people who are in this situation or can provide a resource that can give information.

Plix, as you are well aware, there is no turning back from castration. You really should focus on living out the rest of your life and not get tangled up in regrets about past mistakes. All of us, myself included, have made serious mistakes in our past, but we are still here and living out our lives as best as we can. The passage of time will help. Try to take things one day at a time and focus on a goal for the future.

[plix (imported)]

Sorry if my last post didn't help much. I hope this one will be different.

Your posts are very helpful and y

ou are very sweet Thanks so much for your support.

I'm sorry but my surgeon says

that there is no such thing as a testical transplant.

Even if there were, which I am sure there is, I am not interested. Too many ethical issues. And p

lease don't turn this thread into a debate on whe

ther they exist. End of that discussion on this thread

Have you considered trying a low dose??

I have, and actually the $200 a month for Andro

gel assumes the lowest recommended dose, just enough to bring you at the bottom of the normal range. If I wanted full T, the cost could easily double or triple.

Plix, as you are well aware, there is no turning back from castration. You really should focus on living out the rest of your life and not get tangled up in regrets about past mistakes. All of us, myself included, have made serious mistakes in our past, but we

are still here and living out our lives as best as we can. The passage of time will help. Try to take things one day at a time and focus on a goal for the future.

Thanks so much for your support. I am working on it.

[Losethem (imported)]

Plix--

What about the injectible version of T? I've heard it works better and is much less expensive than the Androgel.

I'm on Androgel 7.5G (75mg of T) per day and feel just fine on that. But with what you're saying that would run $500 a month at least.

I've heard a dose that is injectible to get me to the same level would be around $80 or so a month, but I have not tried that as my health provider for some reason doesn't cover injectibles. Oddly, they cover the gel which is much more expensive... go figure?

[mrt (imported)]

Even if there were, which I am sure there is, I am not interested. Too many ethical issues. And p

lease don't turn this thread into a debate on whe

ther they exist. End of that discussion on this thread

Thanks so much for your support. I am working on it.

This clip from Google should end any debate. "Dr Schlegel told the newspaper: "I am sure testicular transplants between men will be done in the next 10 years and there are a number of groups other than ours that are working on it." Tissue can be safely frozen for years The technical diffculties involved are significant - surgeons will have to reattach dozens of small blood vessels and nerves for the transplant to work. Testicular transplantation has been performed successfully on animals. "

So, its a future "possibility" but no one today can get one as my Surgeon cautioned me.

One other lower cost option is using a compounding pharmacy to make up Testosterone in a cream form. I've never used it but others tell me it works like Androgel and is pretty inexpensive. If you pay cash for Androgel without any coverage God have mercy. Its expensive!

[Testman (imported)]

I know with my rejuvenation clinic, 100mg/wk of testosterone cypionate (an injectable testosterone) would cost exactly $50/month. Though, they will be way more than happy to prescribe you 200mg/wk if you can afford it. (This much will give you probably a higher level than you ever had) The only thing they required of me is to do a blood test at a local clinic and then the clinic mailed the sample to Florida where they tested it. A few days later I got all these bottles of testosterone in the mail! And I'm sure with your testosterone level, you would qualify for treatment in a New York second.

But the truth is, there are even cheaper sources than that. Those clinics jack up the price because it's not just a doctor involved. Theres a whole staff and they want to get paid too. Testosterone injection bought at a local pharmacy would be absurdly cheap, as in literally, a few dollars a bottle. The draw back to that approach is that most doctors are so ignorant on this subject, they will insist you just come into the clinic for an injection every three weeks and then your level will fluctuate wildly, not to mention they may not want to give ya enough. With the clinic I use, they give you the stuff and you can just take the injections as often as you feel like in order to keep a nice steady level.

[plix (imported)]

What about the injectible version of T? I've heard it works better and is much less expensive than the Androgel.

If I were to ever g

o back on HRT, that would probably be my method of choice.

One other lower cost option is using a compound

ing pharmacy to make up Testosterone in a cream form.

I am skeptical of compounded medications. Mos

t people say they work, so they probably do, but it seems like something you would be taking a chance on.

I know with my rejuvenation clinic, 100mg/wk of testosterone cypionate (an injectable testosterone) would cost exactly $50/month. Though, they will be way more than happy to prescribe you 200mg/wk if you can afford it. (This much will give you probably a higher level than you ever had) The only thing they required of me is to do a blood test at a local clinic and then the clinic mailed the sample to Florida where they tested it. A few days later I got all these bottles of testosterone in

the mail! And I'm sure with your testosterone level, you would qualify for treatment in a New York second.

I've seen clinics like that online, but most require you to be age 30 or older. If you know of one that doesn't have this requirement, perhaps you can let me know.

[Testman (imported)]

This one I use does not. Thats what the blood test is for, is to prove you have a low testosterone level. The government makes the doctors do this test. Anyway, it's www.moderntherapy.com The only thing you would have to be over 30 for is if you want some GH.