I Need Castration Now !

[darthbra (imported)]

Hello all. I thought I should really get some more advice on the subject of castration before I get any more heavily into it. I have all my life wanted to be castrated my testicles just feel foreign to me and also I get alot of pain from them (dont worry this too I have just always had?)

I have now got to a point in my life where I see I must remove them in order to just get by... They really bring me down and I am growing increasingly antisocial with my problems and cut off. I have tried to discuss my feelings with my GP and a psychologist with no great out come. So reluctantly I see I must deal with things myself. I have been trying to crush my testicle cords but with no luck Im begining to think they are indestructable. So last week I bought a elastrator, however since reading many posts here I have grown increasingly concerned with this method. I live in England and would find it hard to see Dr Kimmel. I am however very determind and I must remove them quickly please HELP ME !! I would just like any advice or help on this subject. If the testicles are removed a day after banding can you still get tetinus or any other problems. I have found the pain not too bad actually so this doesnt concern me but also know its easy to get blood clots so it is only really advisable to go this route if you are serious !! Any advice would be great-Thanks guys.

[mrt (imported)]

Self harm is a fast way to get locked up in a mental ward! Don't do it. Elasticators work well for animals. They can't tell you how much this hurts and thus it works but ouch. Plus there is the issue with infection and so on. Other "animal" based ways of doing this simply don't work. Human Cords don't "crush" like most animal cords. All your doing it making your pain problems worse.

If you have chronic pain (for real) and this is the issue I can relate. Been there.

Talk first to your GP and get refered to a pain doctor. Once they can shut off the pain take a few steps back and see if that solves the issue. If your not in pain do you REALLY want them taken out? Along with the need for hormone replacement (for life) sterility and other possible issues?

If not start talking to the shrink again and be specific about how you have been tempted to do this removal on your own. Talk about the core motives and why this is important to you. Figure that out before you make changes that can't be undone.

If the pain is not resolved by the various forms of treatment. Google Orchialgia you may find that you really do need to ponder having an orchiectomy. Finding a surgeon who is able to do that right (not kimmel) means doing some legwork. Calling a few places that teach Urology and talking to them about the treatments you've tried and what your after.

If it gets to that point PM me and I'll give you some suggestions that your surgeon might want to consider to make the surgery work better. Or look at previous posts about Orchialgia.

[Hash (imported)]

You've received some great advice from MRT, hope you heed it. I realize that sometimes all of us do things to ourselves that we regret and the compulsion to be castrated can overwhelm us, but you must resist the urges/temptations to castrate yourself. If you continue to crush your cords you might cause more problems than you're prepared to accept or deal with, the cords are extremely tough and resilient.

[darthbra (imported)]

Hey ya yeah thanks MRT but to be honest my problem with castration has nothing to do with the pain in my testicles, I have a very high pain threshold. The desire to be castrated for me comes mostly from my transexual side and although I know such things should not be done by yourself I need to be free. I have lived so long in a body that I hate that to be honest all the pain in the world wouldnt stop me. I really do feel grateful to have had your replies so far, and I would love to hear from more of you. So I dont want to appear as though I am not listening to it. I have been sectioned before as I used to smoke alot of cannabis and drink all the time to avoid my problems, my parents got worried as I couldnt work or go out or do anything in public yes the drugs knocked my confidence but this mostly came from the fact that having such problems alienates you so much from other people. Although I was out in 3 days, classed as 'normal' nothing changed for me, in reality it just was taken that I wasnt messed up. So with that I went to see my GP told him out right that I would take things into my own hands he did not care. I submitted to this and saw a psychologist who had no idea about people with such problems and I just stopped seeing him. Im so sorry if I sound desperate but I am...!

[JesusA]

The NHS doesn't have a very good track record of dealing properly with trans people. There are SOME who are very good, however. You will need to do a bit of research to find someone near enough to where you live. There are also support groups in the UK who can help you to find the right doctors and psychologists to approach. Some of the other members of the Archive can probably give you some suggestions to help you find a group.

I'm on the other side of the "pond," so I'm probably too far away to be of much help, but I will try to do some research for you.

What part of the UK do you live in?

[JesusA]

Here are two quickly found resources for LONDON. Both are members of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health and are very active in the field. If you are near London, either would be a good resource for you. They are listed in the directory as working specifically with trans people.

Dr. Andrew Davies

West London Mental Health NHS Trust

6 Hyde Road, Richmond

London TW10 6DU

Phone: 0774 815 3304

Dr. Richard J. Curtis

Transhealth

3rd Floor North

25 Wimpole Street

London W1G 8GL

Phone: 0207 631 3164

[Danya (imported)]

...

The desire to be castrated for me comes mostly from my transexual side and although I know such things should not be done by yourself I need to be free. I have lived so long in a body that I hate that to be honest all the pain in the world wouldnt stop me. ...Im so sorry if I sound desperate but I am...!

Hi darthbra,

I am a MtF transsexual and I understand your need to be free. I also understand feeling very alone in the world because of your gender identity.

You do not need to apologize for sounding, and being, desperate. You are being very open about how you feel and that's important. If I were in your situation and had seen so many professionals who just did not understand me, I would feel desperate, too. That does not mean there is no hope although it can feel that way.

Have you thought of your long-term desires? For instance, do you think you will want GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery, sometimes called SRS)? You may want to leave your options open for later surgery. That likely means not performing your own castration. Later GRS surgery can be complicated by damage to the scrotum or be more of a problem if it is missing. You will put your health at serious risk if you try to perform your own castration by any method.

I am in the US so I cannot recommend anyone for you to see. I know how difficult it is for some trans people here in the US to find knowledgeable and caring professionals. I urge you to hang in there and keep searching until you find the people with the knowledge to help you.

Hugs,

Danya

[NaziNuts (imported)]

Darthbra,

Please listen carefully to the real friends you have here.

Danya especially is blessed with sensitive wisdom. Read and admire her lovely and brave chronicle of transition.

Many commenters here at EA are inspirations to me for reasons that have nothing to do with genitalia.

Since you have a high pain threshold, you also likely have a high patience threshold. Patiently and carefully find the right and safe solution you need.

Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts, and thanks to the infinitely wise EA members here who are giving you more experienced advice and comfort than I will ever be qualified to give.

Wishing you the peace and comfort of sincere friends,

-NN

[mrt (imported)]

NHS has a very straightforward approach for helping people who are transexual. You just managed to meet the wrong therapist. Use your energy to get together with an expert in GID and move forward to your goal. Its quite true that trying to do this yourself will only set you back or make it difficult or impossible to do properly and I'm sure you don't want to do that.

You might want to explore anti androgen drugs and try female hormone replacement before you do anything that might be tragic and harmful. If that suits you there will be some female physical changes that result from that and the anti-androgen drugs will render your testicles incapable of making male levels of testosterone. You can work on surgery etc later but do lots of reading and talk to other people who are male to female transexuals they can advise you much better then I.

Hey ya yeah thanks MRT but to be honest my problem with castration has nothing to do with the pain in my testicles, I have a very high pain threshold. The desire to be castrated for me comes mostly from my transexual side and although I know such things should not be done by yourself I need to be free. I have lived so long in a body that I hate that to be honest all the pain in the world wouldnt stop me. I really do feel grateful to have had your replies so far, and I would love to hear from more of you. So I dont want to appear as though I am not listening to it. I have been sectioned before as I used to smoke alot of cannabis and drink all the time to avoid my problems, my parents got worried as I couldnt work or go out or do anything in public yes the drugs knocked my confidence but this mostly came from the fact that having such problems alienates you so much from other people. Although I was out in 3 days, classed as 'normal' nothing changed for me, in reality it just was taken that I wasnt messed up. So with that I went to see my GP told him out right that I would take things into my own hands he did not care. I submitted to this and saw a psychologist who had no idea about people with such problems and I just stopped seeing him. Im so sorry if I sound desperate but I am...!

[darthbra (imported)]

Thank you so much Jesus and Danya (MrT and Hash) . You guys have been so kind to have replied to my thread, I had no idea that other people could be so selfless and genuine towards others in the way you have helped me. Any second thoughts I may have had about joining the EA have been completly washed away ! Thank you Jesus for spending your own time trying to source a psychologist I will be contacting them.

I know that for someone as myself I probably should not try to go ahead with castration as I do very much want SRS in the future and understand that it can cause shrinkage to your area and give less material to work with, but I have just got increasingly desperate as my life has gone on. I think that whilst I have been on female hormones for about a year the level of testosterone in my system hinders any real change, it did make me feel better for awhile but then it all seemed to little too late. I would very much like to explore the possability of taking an anti-androgen as maybe this may help to test any feelings I have whilst strong I think that Danya is right I should try to leave things intact down there. Can anyone please recommended anywhere that I can purchase such things from I have heard of the In House Pharmacy but are there any others that are better ? Thank you once again everyone ! It is all I can do these days to even fall alseep with myself my self hatred effects me that much.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi darthbra,

If you are taking an estrogen alone it will not be as effective as in combination with an anti-androgen. I take both, under a doctor's supervision. If you should purchase an anti-androgen without a prescription, please let an understanding physician know what you are doing. Your blood should be tested periodically to be certain you are not having a negative reaction.

You may also be aware that taking more estrogen than required can be counter-productive to feminization. I will write more on this later. Right now, I have to leave for work.

I hope you find an understanding therapist soon. Believe me, I understand how important it is to have the body match one's core gender identity. Nonetheless, self-acceptance and loving who you are (a woman) begins in the mind. A supportive therapist can help you through this difficult time and assist you in making the best choices to reach your goals.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Danya is so right. I'm not exactly in the same shoes or high heels but when I was dealing with my Orchialgia I had the same sort of motivation to "get these things removed" or in my case replaced with silicone implants that didn't hurt and were not atrophied nothings.

I want you to know that finding a doctor and a therapist helped me as well. The doctor was able to put me on the right path to take care of my problems and the Therapist was part of the program to make sure I was not doing "goofy" stuff (I wasn't) and it helped ME because it affirmed that what I was doing wasn't goofy. Ok, is that kind of a closed loop logic???

What you want is NOT weird or uncommon. There are doctors with busy practices that do nothing but work with TS people. Talk to your GP and if he/she is not tuned into this ask for a referal? I don't know how that works in the UK. Doctors (In general) are going to be understanding and of course are always discrete.

Anyway, I want to echo what Danya said. Inhouse doesn't sell to the UK without prescriptions (I think???) but here is why you don't want to go that way anyway.

Safety. If you ruin your liver and die or get sick? You won't achieve your goal. Hormones can be rough on your system and you want to use the right amount to cause the correct changes. All estrogen without blocking Testosterone properly is not very useful. Too much repression of Testosterone (You want Female Levels) is not good either. A doctor doing labs and checking your health is SO vital to doing this right. So find the right Doctor, take advantage of the NHS and get it done right.

And btw drugs bought over the internet are a complete total crapshoot. What good is sending your money and getting "Chinese" Estrogen that is really nothing? Or worse is some unsafe synthetic that can hurt you? You want real hormones and anti Androgens to shut down your Testes NOT some sheetrock Pills made in a garage.

Time. To get a proper GRS etc you want to be under a doctor(s) care for a year (at least) to qualify for surgery. That real life experience etc. All very important. They can talk to you more about it.

Good luck and THANK YOU for not hurting yourself!

[Danya (imported)]

Hi darthbra,

As far as estrogen dosage goes, there is a limit beyond which adding more estrogen will not increase the effects you want. A too high dose will increase your risk of serious complications.

I have run across a few reputable web sites (at least for psychological advice) that state excessive estrogen is converted into testosterone, which is something you do not want. Other sites do not mention this but confirm that beyond a certain point, increasing estrogen dosage will not produce greater feminization. The chance of bad side effects will increase.

It sounds like you may be self-medicating with estrogen. There a trans women who do this and I can understand their motivation. When you find an understanding doctor, please be sure to mention you are taking estrogen. You should be monitored to be sure everything is going well. Hormones are extremely powerful and have large impact on many body systems. Please take care of yourself so you safely reach your goal.

Please keep us updated on your progress. I wish you the very best and hope things will start to get better for you soon.

Hugs,

Danya

[darthbra (imported)]

Thank you Danya for your concern, I wish I had something more constructive to tell you other than what I have. I think I have fallen into a hole at the moment from which I see no end? I have always tried to keep positive and although I would never do anything silly, it seems stupid but I just keep hoping a new tomorrow will bring a better day and I love life too much. However... and maybe this thread would be better somewhere else but I feel as though what I once thought I would be able to do with ease has become an impossible mountain to climb. The older I have got the more I have become increasingly concerned with transitioning, people who know me would say thats crazy I dont care what anybody thinks of me! and yes as a guy thats true I have few friends and the ones I do have Ive known for years, I dont go out of my way to make friends as I know if they really knew me they wouldnt want to! I guess deep down I care more than anything what people think. As a result I see no way out, and never found talking to anyone any help...sure it helps for a while but with having my problem Ive always come to dealing with things on my own and to some degree talking makes it worse, it makes me actually start thinking more about it when its all I can do to forget every day and as you know thats hard! I want it more than anything in the world! This is why I have started with self castration as I believe it maybe the only way that I will ever do anything about my problem. Maybe you could write abit about how you found things for you when transitioning ?! I am careful with my meds and I will go to my GP and inform him about what I doing. So please worry not. I do know all about the dangers of self medicating and self castration but at the present time feel as though my feelings for them are stronger than my urges not to do it, I am always careful but thanks again for your guidance. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel but for me I fear its alittle way off yet! Thanks again ! yours Sarah.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Sarah,

Making a decision to transition is not always easy and you should consider how you would handle reactions from others. You do not need to be at the point now where you can say 'I really don't care what anyone else thinks' but sometime you need to reach that stage to successfully transition.

This does not mean that you can never transition, if that's what you really want. It simply means you need to work through how you deal with what others think. At some point, my hope is you will be able to do what will make you happy.

There was a time when I was tired of talking and talking about my problems. Now I am glad I put in that effort. Therapy requires work on your part. There are no easy answers and no therapist can tell you what to do. A good therapist can help you find your path and face your fears.

There have been many times in my life when I felt that there was no hope. When that happened, I, too felt things would never improve.

I totally understand that talking to a therapist can seem like a waste of time - and with the wrong therapist it is a waste of time. Nonetheless, you need someone to help you find your way. You are dealing with more than a desire to transition. You are afraid potential friends won't really like you once they get to know you. You say that talking makes things worse because then you think about it (I think you mean transitioning) when you are trying hard to forget that. You have so many conflicting emotions. No wonder you are having difficulty. That is a lot for anyone to deal with.

Sarah, what I hear is a person in a lot of emotional pain and that's an awful place to be. I have been there. Therapy can be very difficult and at times painful as you work through what is going on in your life. It can also get you through a difficult time as you figure out how to live your life.

I still warn you not to self-castrate, dear one. I know the urge can be strong; I self-harmed sporadically over several decades. Performing your own castration carries very real dangers. When your feelings for castration are stronger than your willpower not to go that route, you really need an understanding person to share the burden. There is help out there. The road may not be easy but doing nothing may cause you more difficulty in the long run.

As for me, I have written hundreds of posts here. Some of those describe the difficulties I had in deciding to transition. For years, I could not face who I really am. That caused me great unhappiness and also hurt others, like my ex-wife.

There was the gay therapist who suggested I was transsexual in the late 1990s. I did not deny it but said I was too old to transition. Back then, I was more than 10 years older than you are now. I feared what people would think if I transitioned and I was very afraid that transitioning would cause a major upheaval in the life I had built over decades.

Last October, I was self-harming every night and drinking 5 - 6 beers at the same time. After two weeks of that, I realized that I needed help. Otherwise, I would become an alcoholic and that only makes problems more difficult to solve. There was also the danger that I would physically harm myself in a way not easily made right.

As soon as I made the appointment to see a gender therapist, I stopped self-harming and heavy drinking. Those problems never came back. I transitioned in May, 2008 and at last I am happy.

But...twice in the weeks leading up to transition I was in a panic. What the hell was I thinking when I announced my transition at work? I had my nice little life (never mind that I was desperately unhappy) and I feared that I was throwing all that away for an uncertain future. A few friends from the Archive got me through those tense days and now I am who I was always meant to be.

Sarah, I do not know what the right path is for you. I wish I were there to hug you. I have experienced the kind of emotional pain you describe. I know therapy can be difficult but you cannot handle all that is going on by yourself.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be some distance away but you can reach it. I wish I could tell you an easy way for that to happen but I cannot. There is hope, though, even if you cannot feel it right now.

Just know that whatever decision you make or whatever you do, you are always welcome here. You are among friends.

Hugs,

Danya