Saying goodbye at the introductions

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Two days ago, I had my first consult with my psychiatrist. It is normal that after the first intake, they have you in a discussion to find the best way and best person to help you. As he was resuming our one hour talk it was clear that he was thinking about an indication for a long period.................

Somebody ask me to tell my real story, to show myself, I agree......

What you see above is my way to tell the truth to people that might want to think bad about me.

Maybe you think or hope that my problems are that big.

I will tell the truth...

He promised me that he will try to find me the best psych they have to answer my questions about castration, they will try to hurry, so if possible, we can meet and talk before my operation, and the long term is indicated because after the operation it could be a good thing for me to have somebody I feel comfortable with, to discus any changes if needed.

He made me happy, that was exactly what I was asking for.

I do have two appointments with the urologist...06-02-09 and 06-16-09 and it is a damned good feeling to have this background with the psychiatry

I am willing to tell my story, and my real feelings, but that means that I will not only show how to scorn justice, I will call them names, show what they are doing to children. Doing this, I don't want to hide behind a fake name.

It's me, and they know me. 1986 - 1987 I was with my full name in the newspapers, and I had something to say they didn't like.

Last week ( my story in the Spits was well timed) there was a lot in the news.

A girl from the "Bolderkar" She wants to summon against the state and the school. Maybe other dutch people here like to tell or send links.

After the fathers went out free, being separated from her daddy for about a year, all those child protectors liked to forget about her...not even a sorry

Like one said in my thread before, it is about power, not about protecting or care. Now the little girl has grown up, and she doesn't accept it.

Another story about ex wifes sending their husbands to jail by nice stories, maybe some hundred innocent people in jail

There is a change coming, people don't eat the shit anymore

I have been waiting for that change and working on it as much as I could.

In 86-87 I could do this on my own name, and this moment I still can do this. It will not affect my family contacts, it will not affect my friends, and it will not affect my job or the people I am working with.

I like to say goodbye to the name "NOMOREHOTBUTT"

In a few days you will see me as a new member under my own full name.

I want to be me, I want to be recognized as I slap justice in their dirty face.

And no, I am not a kettle of anger, I am doing things I think they need to be done.

Together with my name you will see an avatar of a Vietnamese Dragon:....

It is one of the friendly kind like you can see in "the Neverending Story"

I will ad the same avatar to "nomorehotbutt" so it will be easy to recognize the threads and postings.

And I promise you all that at the first posting I will try to show my understanding for the victims (and survivors) of abuse in a nice way

People told me to many times, that I cannot change the world on my own....

I do believe in that power that goes with the wind in the spring, and makes everything alive, set up every mind to making love. I believe that just that little touch of the wind is the power behind big changes. I like to be that wind.

Maybe people were right, maybe I cannot change the world on my own, but I am going to try it, the least I can do is try........

loveUall

Jean

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Dear Jean,

I hope you will find what you are looking for. Personaly I wouldn't use my full real name, but I can understand your feelings about this point. Good luck!

Peter47-NL

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Dear Jean,

I hope you will find what you are looking for. Personaly I wouldn't use my full real name, but I can understand your feelings about this point. Good luck!

Peter47-NL

Thanks, you're a good friend. And please don't worry, if I wasn't sure I could handle this, I wouldn't do it.

I only need to look around, is there any-one else who can go this way, asking for castration, getting the support of family and friends, no need to worry about the boss and so on. I told you, the truth and love are HIS powers

I made a mistake once as I thought that I should separate love and sex:

love for the children and seeking sex with adults. In the wrong moment, it was me who had no feelings for the love part with an adult.

loveUall

Jean

[streetglide (imported)]

Just let us know who you are! Jean...aka no morehotbut. And more power to ya!

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Thanks Kristoff, this way it works okay.

And don't forget, if later I attack your position as a worker in the corrections........ I do love you

loveUall

Jean

[eefje46 (imported)]

Jean, wish you all the best and be strong on your jouney.

Eef

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

In the Netherlands, we do have our famous flower:....

THE TULIP

Looking at the young green leaves, you will see a bud rising soon. Even before it shows any of its colour, it is a promise of beauty

As it starts to open the flower, it is at its highest beauty, and full of colour

You can tough it, feel it, kiss it, even cut it and put it in a vase, it will show its beauty to all the world.

Only if somebody steps on it, it is over, leaving a broken bud....

Maybe there will be a poor attempt to show what colour it should have become, or the leaves grow more strong as there is no flower to feed

But that promise of beauty will be broken forever by the disrespect of one careless person who stepped on it

I love all these flowers, and anytime I see a broken one, I have to bow, to see if there is anything I can do. And every time it hurts, to find out there is so little I can do.

I am just a no-good horticulturist, I love all those flowers so much, I never can sell them

loveUall

Jean

[estragen (imported)]

I know I'm not getting something just not sure what it is.

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

I know I'm not getting something just not sure what it is.

Well, let me thank you for being that honest.

I made a promise before as I started this thread:

And I promise you all that at the first posting I will try to show my understanding for the victims (and survivors) of abuse in a nice way

They are so hard to reach, I tried it with a flower, a tulip.

Of course I wasn't talking about a flower, but I put my life, my feelings and my opinion in to that tulip.

The tulip is a human, a child growing up, being a big promise of beauty and on its way to flower in to life and feel great.

Abuse, in whatever way can destroy this forever, one may never feel great anymore

Why??? If you just look around on this board, you will find out about people who got raped hard, but also about some-one humiliated by his parents, or one who went for a haircut, and never will forget about the hairdresser riding his cock on his knee.

That is where I see the real damage: not the kind of action, but the disrespect payed to a young innocent child. Sometimes, it is even the lack of any action that courses the damage

Somebody steps on the tulip, the damage is forever.

I love them all, and if I hear or see this damage, yes, I like to bow.

What is going on in my mind???

If I see or hear any of these stories, in my mind I see them as the little child they were when it happened, and my love for them makes me want to protect them. But I am to late, and I cannot change what happened to them.

That hurts, and it makes me feel guilty. Is that feeling reasonable??? For me, as long as I don't reach them with my respect, and I don't succeed in preventing new victims, I have no problems with this feeling. I accept it.

The tulip story shows my opinion: It is the disrespect that harms, not the kind of action.

At Vietnam, many times, outside drinking something, I am counting in english with a lot of children. And to make it easy, we count the fingers. If we come up to eleven, it means con tray (boy) and if we have to stop at ten it is a con gay (girl). Every one can see, all have fun, and the next is waiting.

If one becomes a priest, teaching children to sleep with their hand over the blanket, shower with their underwear on, telling them about hell if they tough themselves down there, and the same person ends up at night sitting at the side of their beds, with his hands where they shouldn't be....that is disrespect, and the damage will be considerable.

One point in the tulip story tells something about me, and I guess that was hidden to well. Only some-one who knows me very well would have recognized this.

I fact, I am a horticulturist. After my school, being still very young, I started my own company.......About five years later I had to stop. Yeah, I could do it, I could be a businessman, I could be making money, but I couldn't lie....

This wasn't me, I felt unhappy as one can feel...............

I love all those flowers so much, I never can sell them

Maybe now you understand: I do love them all

a simple message, and I hope if they forget about this story, they remember that somebody handed them a tulip

loveUall

Jean

[randy (imported)]

Like Estragen, i have no idea what anything here means.

[kristoff]

Let's have the real story, not the posey? Quit bullshitting.

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Let's have the real story, not the posey? Quit bullshitting.

Don't worry, you get the real story.

But we had some threads before, and there were hard words said.

I also made my promise to show my understanding for the victims(and survivors)

These feelings are real and if you dare to call this bullshitting, it is you who sends my respect for you to the trash

loveUall

Jean

[randy (imported)]

Don't worry, you get the real story.

But we had some threads before, and there were hard words said.

I also made my promise to show my understanding for the victims(and survivors)

These feelings are real and if you dare to call this bullshitting, it is you who sends my respect for you to the trash

loveUall

Jean

what victims ? or tulips? or whatever.

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

what victims ? or tulips? or whatever.

Maybe I could answer: the victims of child abuse, but that would be to little

Maybe you open and read the closed threads:

Castration in the arts, news and websites.....castreer pedofiel

and

General Healt: Psysical and Mental........Paedophilia-The biggest Murder whatsoever

Maybe if you counted clearly how many kinds of victims there are, you let us know.

And then maybe you try to consider that I do care about all of them.

I don't feel happy with that bullshitting comment from kristoff

loveUall

Jean

[randy (imported)]

Those threads are even more confusing than this one.

Interest fading... fading.... fading... gone.

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Those threads are even more confusing than this one.

Interest fading... fading.... fading...

i was castrated in may of 08 for spiritual reasons. i am Christian and i believe in the fundamentals of Christianity.

i enjoy communicating with eunuchs and people considering castration.

if you have questions about religious castration, non HRT living, becoming a eunuch young in life, prayer requests or anything just send an email. God bless you.

May God bless you to

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Yesterday I had my consult with the urologist. Strange man, he didn't say three words if two could do. But again, no problems with the communication.

This makes me feel sad about this thread, it just seems to me that we don't speak the same language.

Today I got an injection, another chemical way. The next week, my testosterone level may shoot up, after about two weeks, it should have dropped to about zero.

I have no idea what this first week is going to do to my feelings (and bad behavior). I just hope you can understand that this week might not be the best time for my to write that real story. Or should I say: "Please try to understand"

About the new medication I am on, you can find at the chemical castration sector

loveUall

Jean

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Well, I had a very "nice" week. Testosterone sure isn't my friend. This hormonal attack brought me several health problems back, but now they are fading a little. And this week brought me one big win...I was able to get myself out of a depression within an hour, just because I didn't accept my old character to gain power over me again.

I still feel sad, that we seem to understand each other so little, and that a story like about the Tulip couldn't explain my feelings.

I promised to tell a truth story and show myself and my feelings. I guess today I will find time to tell a first part, but I like to start with the present, as this is most important to me.

This will mean that I tell you about my current little friend at Vietnam, and I don't want to hurt people. If you are afraid that such a story might hurt your feelings, please don't read it.

On the other hand, maybe try to realize that I do respect you, I do love you all, and maybe it wasn't me that abused or hurt you. Maybe, you pay my little friend and me the respect we deserve, read it and try to understand that not every thing is just as simple as it looks at first sight.

loveUall

Jean

[TeraNata (imported)]

Don't get too discouraged. You speak English well but of course there are some communication difficulties. Maybe try to speak more literally? Metaphors and phrases that make sense in one language don't always translate well.

I think I understand you. But I'd rather not jump to conclusions, so I'll wait and see...

Edit: Jean, just to clear this up at least a bit: is this a pedophile advocacy sort of thing you're working on?

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

Don't get too discouraged. You speak English well but of course there are some communication difficulties. Maybe try to speak more literally? Metaphors and phrases that make sense in one language don't always translate well.

I think I understand you. But I'd rather not jump to conclusions, so I'll wait and see...

Edit: Jean, just to clear this up at least a bit: is this a pedophile advocacy sort of thing you're working on?

Hy,

I saw your posting this morning but I had to start working. Now I see your edit. You really want to get me typing don't you (lol)

Well I am going to ask your help with that last question.

Many times I have the guts to call myself a paedophile. I mean as a child lover, not as a child molester. I might be one of those people who is just in between, and gets hurt again and again by what people like to understand as they only hear the word.

Love is my only weapon, and the truth a shield. Many times I am telling the truth, but also many times in a way that I know before where other peoples thoughts will go. Is that fair? I am not going to judge myself on this point.

It is a way to protect myself. After getting hurt to many times, one likes to find a way to talk about problems, and have them talk about somebody else, no need to take the insults personally. Yes, that is manipulating, fucking up the discussion. Should I feel sorry? As I said I don't want to judge myself on this point, but I do have an open mind, and I am willing to read and consider any comment on this point.

Let me tell you something about communication difficulties:

I was having a nice fight with Kizahakan, as somebody (the___uI) in posting 27 at General health Paedophilia- The Biggest Murder whatsoever... started to offer gasoline and matches....

please mr. Protector-Of-The-Innocent, do something constructive with yourself. we can provide gasoline and matches.

I responded with my view that this is no way of talking, and that at the moment he will offer gasoline and matches to any member of this board, he will find me on his way to take those gasoline and matches and use them on myself. I thought that I was clearly saying that even in that little fight, I would protect any other member including Kizahakan with my own life if needed. The posting get kicked out two times, and as I asked why: I was advocating violence and suicide. The threads got locked.

What was wrong with my words, were they so hard to understand????

If postings like that get kicked out for advocating violence and the posting 27 remains on the board,

How should people ever understand who I am and want kind of a person I am? And using my dictionary on the word "" advocating", maybe you can feel my sadness for not being understood.

I am afraid if I tell them that Jesus dying to save the people, was an act of love, they might block my account

About your "edit" question

I had my first ejaculation(found out myself ) before I knew the difference between a boy and a girl. Maybe it tells you something about the good relation between me and my parents if I tell you that they did apologize.

They were very young, and didn't realize......

But do you think I am advocating paedophilia, if I like to say that I had the right to know, and that I got damaged for my life by the wrong protection?

I had a big friend, I understood nothing, only loved him, and saw him slip away from life, couldn't stop him. It hurt so badly... Am I advocating paedophilia.

I do love children, and this moment a little Vietnamese is my everything....

you may call that advocating paedophilia

But where do I stand. I don't like to judge others, so lets have a look at me.....

If I ever kill a child, be it a sexual murder, or just by driving drunk, I don't want or need a second chance, I would only have a death wish

If I ever rape, brutal molest a child, I don't want or need a second chance,

if you don't kill me, I will

Can you follow me??? I guess you can!!!!!

Is that advocating paedophilia?????

But if I go on........

A relation with a child isn't equal, and to many times I hear that as a blame.

But I accept full responsibility, now, and to him any time in the future. I am not going to hurt him in any way, and if I ever have to find out that it was me who made him unhappy with his life......if you don't.............

Maybe on this point I am not so easy to follow any more. Can this love go so far and so deep? This love is a part of my life, and I am not going to run away from it. And sometimes it is not even a free choice, but one gets kicked in to a situation. Is that advocating paedophilia???????

Maybe you tell me after you have read the story

And maybe you understand that I want a lot of people to come back with their feet on the ground and see things like they are.

I liked those words of you:

But I'd rather not jump to conclusions, so I'll wait and see...

so I added something to your reputation. I have to wait, I can't just do it again for your edit.

loveUall

Jean

[kristoff]

There is a lot of underhanded punching and hitting in your post and justification. I've offered you the opportunity to tell your story. No more excuses - tell us the truth or stop telling us tales and making snide comments.

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

2001

I visited Vietnam the first time in 2001, just as a tourist. A little the brutal way, only a flight ticket...having to find out everything at the spot.

I traveled from Ho Chi Minh to Hanoi and back, by bus and by rented motorbikes. I found out that this country has very different people. I liked the people from the South. I am Dutch, origin from near the German border, and even my generation (born after the world war 2) still likes to remember the Germans by asking about our missing bicycles. Those people were so different, not revengeful like I was used to.

Near the end of 2001, something happened in the world, and this event somehow woke me up, taught me a lesson about myself. But that one is for later.

I needed an escape, and beginning 2002 I toke my flight to Vietnam again, and having almost no money with me was no accident. I placed myself at one of the poor districts of Saigon (Ho Chi Minh). I learned a lot about the poor life. I have been working for about 2 dollars a day to get something to eat. But there was one thing that made me feel happy, safe and comfortable.....

Being poor and not having a hotel room means, not having any privacy at all.

I guess this is not easy to understand if you not share my feelings, but resting somewhere outside, having a little girl falling asleep on your lap an arresting you to that spot for over two hours, people making fun, and showing respect..........and no way to do things nobody should know. As I said, the comfort of having no privacy at all. My first guide cheated a lot, so I just used him to get introduced to that part of the city. I found a new one, Ph****. It was him who I went out with for this poor work, and if I needed to go somewhere, he was my guide, even if many times I had no money.

This moment, I cannot call him my guide anymore, if needed I show him Saigon. Most of the time I introduce him as "James, the butler" He learned his english in a few years, by having a lot of practice to understand me.

I was feeling free and happy, I could have fun with the kids, and nothing could happen. I learned to understand their style of living;..... having no privacy, they created privacy by a shield, just ignoring that the world around them exists. I think one really needs to live this way with them to understand how this works.

The Netherlands government introduced an integration exam. The girls (and boys) who wanted to get married at NL needed to learn something about my country and a few first words Dutch. I guess I am not a bad teacher, over 60% of my students scored A2 level at their exams and they only needed

A 1minus. A2 is the level that the professional teacher cannot teach people in my country in about three years, funny....

Students started to come from all out of Vietnam. Even a girl from Cambodia, who didn't speak any english, nor Vietnamese passed the exam after three months lessons. I could borrow a big house (in fact two together) and I offered an all in (Study, room, lesson materials, food, drinks) for the same 350euro my country dares to ask for two times 15 minutes of exam. I had my cards with this information on the consulate, as a nice blame for my country

Ph**** is married and has two sons. The youngest, now 12, so I know him from when he was 4. I didn't understand what was going on, this little fellow hated me. His look was telling me so clearly that I was an intruder in his life.

I didn't do him anything. Children do like me.

I started to learn more about Ph**** and his family. Ph**** had a girlfriend as he was young, but for her family, he wasn't good enough. Now she is divorced, and they are seeing each other again. But Ph**** is married and he loves his children.

Little more then two years ago, I was sitting at the other side of the street, in front of Ph****'s house, having coffee at the shop of his mother.

The little boy was at home, trying to do his homework. I will call him by his home name Em (the little brother) Em is good at school, and he likes to learn.Within 20 minutes his mother ordered him three times, to get something from his grandma's shop, not lifting her own ass. She was terrorizing him, so he couldn't do his homework. After the third time, he exploded (as so many times) and he got himself beaten up in a terrible way. Vietnam can be hard!!

I started to understand, she wa making a hell to the kids every time Ph**** went out, this way forcing him to stay. Em was crying, and looking angry at me. He must have seen something he had never expect. ( my tears)

He went inside, had a handful of water through his face, and came back, now looking at me in a complete different way.

The next morning, I got waked up by a small hand at my shoulder. The little "devil" had borrowed the key of my home, and came to invite my for coffee. Means he wanted me to be at his grandma's place again.

I change their living place, having them use a part of my home. This way, if some-one is going to get kicked out, that is up to me. Only a few months more, there was a fight (shouting) again, and suddenly Em came in to my room with a pillow and his (always) baby blanket. They are used to sleep on the floor, but he was looking, and as I moved a little, he jumped in to my bed.

This didn't change any more for any period I stay there. The next day, Ahn (the older brother) moved his mattress next to our bed... The door is never locked, it is a pity that I have to close them for the airco.

That same week, I started Androcur, you should have noticed on this board

There is no problem with my control over my..how should I call it, needs, urges, but I had never like them. I just have had it with those feelings, I don't want to be in control, I want to be free

I love this little fellow, I love him with all my heart, and I want him to have a chance to fight himself a way out of district 8. He deserves it. I once like to show some priggish girl students that they studied the wrong way. Me and Ph**** had Em two lessons Dutch and he was ready for the level of the integration exam. Nice student I guess (and a special teacher)

About two weeks ago, I got the message that Em had decided that I was right and that he should learn English. He had found himself a international school at district 1 The little "devil" is going for quality. I didn't want to force him, he is young and has his friends at the school at district 8. But I made him an offer... The money has ben send, and as soon as they get it, Em will start a two month private study at a international school, so they can test him and have an advice for his future study. He is so happy. Ph**** told my that Em now really starts to understand what he means to me.

And about me.... I am a Vietnamese who has to work abroad, to make the money for my family, having them a future. My biggest health problem: I am homesick. Loving a young boy at Vietnam for me means that I can not be there with him. I miss him, his family, all my friends and Vietnam every day, getting up at 2.45am working seven days a week......

The little fellow is protected very well. He wears a necklace, a ring at his finger and one at his toe. Every-one except for his father thinks he has bought this silverplated shit at the supermarket. The massive white gold will not be recognized easy at the neck of a poor young boy, and he is clever enough to understand this trick I told him. He is playing with it, doesn't take it of if he goes swimming. For around my living place, he is wearing about two annual incomes, so even if something happens, and I get problems.....

He can replace a lost motorbike for his family, he can pay for his study if I can't send money, he can send any relative to a hospital if urgent.....

And if by accident it gets lost, he owns a second necklace and a ring. They are copies from the ones he is wearing. I am wearing them, he "allows" me, but if needed they are his.

He likes a little friend of mine I told about a while ago. A clever boy with malformed feet. That one is going to school next month ( normal Vietnamese school) and I have the feeling Em is getting himself a new brother as the parents of this boy might have to come back to their home in Mekong

And me????? I like to hear every day what people think about other people who dare to love children, who dare to take them in their arms, have them a hug and a kiss, and care about them. Me, I am just one of the wounded animals in this zoo.

And it is my choice, this is the person I want to be.....

loveUall

Jean

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

There is a lot of underhanded punching and hitting in your post and justification. I've offered you the opportunity to tell your story. No more excuses - tell us the truth or stop telling us tales and making snide comments.

Sorry, it seems that we crossposted.

And I think that you have to admit that this time my "snide comment" as you like to call it wasn't hidden, it wasn't sneaky.

That was the truth about how I was feeling. And I wanted to say that in to your face. I can promise you that I had a hell of a time as you kicked out that posting. I sure don't like to hurt people. And I told you I love you, no matter what you do to me. But did you really need to hurt me like that????

still love you, don't worry

loveUall

Jean

[randy (imported)]

[kristoff]

Sorry, it seems that we crossposted.

And I think that you have to admit that this time my "snide comment" as you like to call it wasn't hidden, it wasn't sneaky.

That was the truth about how I was feeling. And I wanted to say that in to your face. I can promise you that I had a hell of a time as you kicked out that posting. I sure don't like to hurt people. And I told you I love you, no matter what you do to me. But did you really need to hurt me like that????

still love you, don't worry

loveUall

Jean

No, we did not cross post - they are an hour apart. You've succeeded in glad handing yourself in your post, and have also succeeded in telling us nothing.