Finding Me

[Hairless (imported)]

I've been gone from EA for quite a while. I've been dealing with a second back surgery last December and legal matters with my former employer. I have recently stopped taking pain pills and I'm sleeping without Ambien, kind of. About 10 days ago, I stopped the testosterone. I had been taking a fairly large dose, for me, to hopefully help my bones heal. I'm also done with my legal matters. We settled out of court, because there was beginning to be a possibility of a very bad outcome. We're not happy with the settlement, but at least we came out on the plus side.

I decided, with my endocrinologist, to stop the testosterone because the gender dysphoria was hitting me real hard. He wanted me to take Evista for my bone health, but that wouldn't have helped my GD. So after not tolerating the Evista very well, I was able to talk him into estrogen therapy. Since I am 57, I thought it would be better if I had a transdermal product. I have read where a lot of people have trouble with the patches, so I asked him if I could use EstroGel. He didn't even know it existed. It gained FDA approval last year. After doing a little research, he decided that it would be a good option for me, so he wrote me a prescription. Yesterday I had a blood test for all the pertinent data. He wants me to be checked again in a month to see how it's working. This morning I applied my first application of estrogen ever and I'm rather excited about it. I am hopeful that this will help bring my body and soul together. I'm just sorry I didn't do this 37 years ago before getting married and having a family. Well, maybe not. I have a pretty good family, I just don't want to hurt them. I do have a new therapist to help me. I know most in my situation have a female therapist, but mine is a straight, Christian man. He has helped other adults and children with transgender issues and seams very supportive of me.

I don't really know where this is all going, yet. I know where I would like it to go, but I don't know if I'm up for the ride. It's too bad I'm 6'4" tall and not very good looking for a girl. :-\

[Danya (imported)]

Dear Hairless,

I'm glad you're taking action to help you feel comfortable with who you really are. Sounds like you've been through the wringer for quite some time.

I do not know how you look. From what I have read, though, many trans folks think they do not look passable when they often are. Some natal women aren't really passable by standards many trans folks would apply to themselves.

Besides, if necessary there are some things that can be done to become more passable.

The truth is, the most critical component of passing is confidence.

You're height is not outside the bounds of natal females, although it is certainly on the high end.

I am 57 and very glad I have transitioned, male-to-female.

Even though I am going through a very stressful time with my career, or possibly lack of a job soon. Being true to myself gives me some of the strength I need to get through this difficult time.

I wish you the best.

Hugs,

Danya

[Hairless (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Thank you for your insight. You're right about my having a difficult time for a while. Right now, I'm just tired. I imagine it's too many chemical changes in my body at once. I hope things settle down soon. Does the energy come back, or is this something I have to learn to live with?

I've started to read your thread to get some knowledge of you. I thought it interesting that not only are we the same age, but also the same religion.

I'm still considering names, but leaning toward, Sandra

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Thank you for your incite. You're right about my having a difficult time for a while. Right now, I'm just tired. I imagine it's too many chemical changes in my body at once. I hope things settle down soon. Does the energy come back, or is this something I have to learn to live with?

I've started to read your thread to get some knowledge of you. I thought it interesting that not only are we the same age, but also the same religion.

I'm still considering names, but leaning toward, Sandra

Hi Hairless,

I'm taking a quick break from doing remote work for the office.

I suspect the energy will come back for you. A factor in this may be how long you've been taking estrogen. Exercise definitely helps for any low energy condition, whatever the cause.

I haven't had much time to exercise in months, but I'm typically very energetic.

I like the name Sandra. Actually, I have a special affection for it.

Hang in there and ask for support or answers to questions.

I've got to get back to work.

Hugs,

Danya

[Taylor (imported)]

Best wishes to both of you.

It takes a lot of guts to be who you really are.

T.

[Milkman (imported)]

This might be a difficult journey, but if you feel more female, then it is better to start and at least see where this leads. Since you are a eunuch, you can always go back on T and re-masculinize if being so tall and I assume, rugged looking does not make you comfortable trying to pass as female outwardly.

[punkypink (imported)]

I don't really know where this is all going, yet. I know where I would like it to go, but I don't know if I'm up for the ride. It's too bad I'm 6'4" tall and not very good looking for a girl. :-\

It doesn't matter dear, you're cherished for who you are inside. Looks are for the superficial people. To those of us who really know what makes a person, you are who you are.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

Welcome back to EA. I hadn't heard from you in so long I was beginning to wonder whatever happened to you.

I know that this must have been a very difficult decision for you to make and it may be a difficult journey, but based on my own experience it is one that I'm glad I did. I have never been happier in my life and I sincerely hope that you will also find this same happiness.

You always have your friends and "sisters" here at EA to lean on if the going gets tough, so reach out to us anytime the need arises.

Give the estrogen time to work. You'll be surprised at the changes it will make in your appearance, both body and face. As far as your height goes, I'm 6'-0" and in my heels I'm up around 6'-3". The other day I was leaving a restaurant after lunch and a natal female walked past me and this girl had to be 2" taller than me and she was wearing flats. Women come in all sizes now a days so don't be too concerned about your height.

Your energy levels will come back up as your body begins to adjust to the estrogen. The time involved depends on your metabolism. For me, it was about 3-4 months.

If I can ever be of any help or should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to send me a PM. I'll be the first to profess that I don't know everything, but sometimes it helps to speak with others who have already traveled this path before.

I wish you all the best!

[Hairless (imported)]

You are all right about there being tall women. Last year I saw a lady in the local hardware store that was just as tall as me. At least I don't have the usual heavy build that many males my size have. Erica, I have heard that the feminizing effects of estrogen can be amazing. I hope it can do something with this face. I look in the mirror and wonder if FFS is the only way to go. I'll just have to wait and see what transpires. Since I'm on a disability pension, I don't have a lot of money for surgery's. I would love to get a hair transplant, but if what I read is correct, it would be about $10,000. Then there is the electrolysis to remove the facial hair. What's that cost, $5,000? At least I don't have the body hair problem. Epilating for so many years has pretty much taken care of that. I've been looking at wigs on line and that brings me back to the face again. What hair style would help me look OK. I have the German head thing going on. I think that being on the pain med's for so long hasn't helped my appearance either. I look like I haven't slept in a week. At least that goes along with the way I feel. Then, if all this isn't enough, there's learning how to walk, talk and dress. I didn't know there were so many ways to size clothing. What's the story with shoes? I wear a 12b in a man's shoe. I guess that's a 14 in a woman's shoe, but what width? Are they sized the same for width?

What's a girl to do. What should be at the top of my list. Most women get to take their whole lives to learn this stuff, mines about 2/3 over.

Then there is the problem of coming out to family. I still have a 15 y/o daughter at home and my wife thinks this would destroy her and my other kids. My therapist says I need to tell everyone. I know he's right, but my wife blows up every time the subject comes up. She's known about me for over 10 years. In some ways, she wants to be helpful, but only if nobody knows. If it wasn't for family, this would be a lot easier. The unfortunate thing for me is, that family is about all I've got. I guess if the estrogen does it's thing, somethings got to give sooner or later.

Erica, I need to get caught up on your thread also. I know you have gone through some very rough times. Is your spouse still supportive? It's sad that we have to go through so much pain to be able to be who we are.

[punkypink (imported)]

Your wife probably doesn't give your daughter enough credit. I don't think it would destroy her in any way. Your children needs to know that no matter who you are you're still their loving parent. A family's unconditional love should mean something afterall.

[Hairless (imported)]

punkypink, you're right, but things don't always work that way.

My wife thinks that since I decided to have children, they deserve to have a father and I should just buck-up. She thinks that I am being selfish and also not fulfilling the promise I made to God when we got married.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

Nice to hear from you again! Been thinking about you. (Hate to admit it, but there was something in me which wondered, "Was Hairless able to beat this GID thing while I couldn't?" Misery loves company, and you had left us behind.)

As for the marriage thing: In my case, it's been an absolute tragedy. My spouse has been unyielding in any discussions we've had. However, I'm now able to see the bright side of things. It took a long time to reach this point, but I liken it to when a husband and wife discover they are actually brother and sister. Such a discovery makes the marriage null and void regardless of the couple's wishes. When I became convinced I'm female inside, it effectively nullified the marriage in spirit, trumping our individual wishes.

It's nice when spouses can ride out the GID storm, but it sometimes is a case of long, drawn-out dull pain with the same acutely-painful end result (divorce). Is it better to just face the acute pain from the start? Nevertheless, I hope the two of you can find a way to agree.

Glad you've found a helpful, supportive therapist. Christian, even! You may want to check out Caryn Lemur's website, especially the page entitled Observations for those with GID. (http://www.carynlemur.com/1Observations.html) I think you'll find her observations dead-on. When reading it, I feel as though she's read my EA postings and is responding directly to me.

Sending lots of warm thoughts in your direction,

Terri

[Hairless (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I tried to beat the GID. Part of that is why I stayed away from here. I wanted to make sure this forum wasn't egging me on. The GID went away for a while, but it came back with a vengeance.

It's good to here from you again.

I need to get caught up on your thread also. I

've got quite a bit of reading to do.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi Hairless / Sandra. I am so glad to see you again. Its been far too long. I know this GID is not "GLAD IM DIFFERENT" and to be honest I'm relieved your meeting this problem head on and dealing with it. I'm SO happy your off the pain meds. Gosh thats been a long road. I personally hated taking such stuff so I hope you recover from taking that stuff soon!

I did a little therapy to deal wish family / anxiety and I found it a great help. For me learning how to calm myself down a bit with some help from T.M. helps me out. And for me? Well thats like Mr T (The real one) doing Yoga... Weird at least.

Estrogen! Congratulations! I bet getting that script was a lot more positive then filling the one for Androgel. And well.... your bones should heal just as well on that. Estrofem is (I think) a good idea. Androgel is a nice way for men to get testosterone. Why not use the same technique? I'm doing my Testosterone with injections but thats more cost and being able to just deal with it once a week rather then everyday.

As to tall women. I must tell you some time about the one time love of my life the Basketball player... Trust me there is NOTHING wrong with being tall! Or short for that matter. As Erica (I think?) said, Women come in all sizes.

I'm Glad your back!

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It is a good sign that you and your wife are talking about your social and family roles. It may be possible to reach a workable compromise. I agree with Ms Pink that your children are probably able to accept you better than she thinks they will. - After the customary loud storm children give when hearing anything new about their parents. You have done well, keep working at it. --FLO--

[Hairless (imported)]

I saw my therapist on Friday as usual. I had told him about EA before and he told me he checked it out. He was surprised at the many variations of people here and how well we all get along. I think he was a bit put off by the dark side.

I think he is having a problem with my still having a problem with all this. At one point, I almost broke into tears when I told him how difficult this is for me. Perhaps I dwell too much on my concerns for my family, but I have trouble saying," Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". I guess I'm still hoping for a middle ground. He tells me it does no good to wish this never happened to me and I know he's right, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I think I answered too many of his questions from a perceived perception of someone else instead of looking into myself. I guess I'm still confused as to where I want this to go or I have a hard time envisioning myself as a woman. I have no doubt that I am transgendered. I even have the arms of a woman that most MtF's have. I showed him how my arms hang by my sides like a woman's and told him," I guess that's why I throw a ball like a girl". He hadn't known that there were any physical aspects to TS people. I wonder if FtM's have boy arms.

I'm starting to feel a little better on the Estrogel. I'm not as lightheaded as I was at first and there are times I'm not as tired. I find that I can usually push myself past the fatigue and it eases.

My spouse went to a seminar on hormones and he said that Progesterone was the feel good hormone. This also goes along with the article Ramses posted on the hormone page. I wonder if that would help me feel better relationship wise. I've always been kind of a loner and don't really have any close friends. This also goes for my spouse. My therapist thinks that is sad. Basically my wife and I only have each other. That's probably why this is so difficult for me.

[mrt (imported)]

I know this can't be easy. I hope you and your wife are able to sit down and talk about having a future together. I don't think you have to do away with one to have the other unless one or both of you just can't stand the thought of it.

I got a chuckle from your Therapist saying what he/she did about the visit to EA. Please pass along that some of us here feel the same way!

I'm crazy but some of these other people here are just goofy!

Balancing those hormones so they are the right mix for both of you is a good project. Good luck on that and remember you DO have some other friends besides each other...

[Paolo]

Come to the MOM in August, and we will find you.

Or you can find us.

We're pretty easy to spot.

After all, a Red Nun is hard to hide.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

I know it is a trip from Southern California to Minneaplis, MN, but I have learned that being a Eunuch is something special. Very few could live a life style without T. And Hairless, you are the age of most of the rest of us. So don't be afraid. Life with out T, no sex drive. It takes a special person to live this way.. We are a special peoples.. come join us, one and all who are real Eunuchs or sympathetic to our cause.

[punkypink (imported)]

punkypink, you're right, but things don't always work that way.

My wife thinks that since I decided to have children, they deserve to have a father and I should just buck-up. She thinks that I am being selfish and also not fulfilling the promise I made to God when we got married.

Religion should not be used to make someone unhappy. And your children deserve 2 loving parents, not strictly a father and a mother. In a way, yes, it is selfish. But her not wanting you to transition is equally selfish isn't it? Truthfully, there is no harm in denying a child a father, studies show that its having loving parents that counts more than anything else. Having a "father" who is depressed and unhappy is really not a good thing. Besides your kids aren't exactly in their formative years anymore are they? The promise you made to God was to love her till death do you part, not "stay a man for her".

[Hairless (imported)]

MrT, I just noticed that with your posting below mine, it looks like you're looking at my frog. You are looking at the frog, aren't you.

Pink, you are right again. Unfortunately, she likes to use my faith against me more often then I would like.

Paolo and Oneballboy, thank you for your suggestion about going to MOM. I would really like to meet all you fine folks, but I'm afraid I will have to pass on this one. I'm a little paranoid about traveling until I know I have a solid fusion of my spine. Nine months after my first surgery I had to fly to Albany, NY. I don't know if the trip had anything to do with it, but my back went downhill shortly thereafter. After having the second back surgery, although it wasn't as bad as the first, I don't want to do it again.

[mrt (imported)]

There is a Frog? Where?

[punkypink (imported)]

Stay strong hairless, and I think your kids deserve to know. The truth, and having a happy loving parent is worth far more than having an unhappy "father".

[mrt (imported)]

I agree... It might be a shock because people just hate change but... I think the best analogy is "what if you (my daughter) woke up and were male. Would you just go along and change your life and pretend to be a guy or? Knowing there are things like Hormone Treatment and GRS would you change to who you really were?"

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

Having friends is an important key to getting through tough times. Is there a local transgender support group where you could meet some folks who can relate to your situation? One that is non-judgmental is important.

I am fortunate in that I have some terrific friends from the Archive. They have been a huge help to me right now as I work through issues with needing to find another job, preferably a very good one, soon. Other posters on my transition thread help me, too.

Since I transitioned at work over a year ago, my two closest friends deserted me. I've been putting in so many hours at the office that I haven't made new local, social connections. I need to work on that now.

I also emailed my own far-removed family about two weeks ago letting them know my situation and asking that their emotional support be available. I haven't heard back.

So, in some respects the stresses we are dealing with are similar.

As Sister K wrote on another thread (Erica Ann's, I think), we can form our own chosen families.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Danya