Finding Me

[Hairless (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

Having friends is an important key to getting through tough times. Is there a local transgender support group where you could meet some folks who can relate to your situation? One that is non-judgmental is important.

I am fortunate in that I have some terrific friends from the Archive. They have been a huge help to me right now as I work through issues with needing to find another job, preferably a very good one, soon. Other posters on my transition thread help me, too.

Since I transitioned at work over a year ago, my two closest friends deserted me. I've been putting in so many hours at the office that I haven't made new local, social connections. I need to work on that now.

I also emailed my own far-removed family about two weeks ago letting them know my situation and asking that their emotional support be available. I haven't heard back.

So, in some respects the stresses we are dealing with are similar.

As Sister K wrote on another thread (Erica Ann's, I think), we can form our own chosen families.

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi Danya,

I am so sorry to hear about you're job situation. MrT told me about it a few days ago so I jumped to the end of your thread to try and understand what was going on. I still don't really know what you do. I had hoped, that with as good as your company worked with you with your transition, that they would keep you as a valued employee. With all that you have going on, I'm surprised to see you posting on my thread. I really appreciate your doing so.

I have located a couple groups within 50 miles of where I live. The closest is Transgendered Soul. Their web site is: http://www.transgendered-soul.com/ They also have a Yahoo Group that I have joined, but I haven't posted there yet. They are probably the more Christian of the two. The other one is in Palm Springs. Their web site is: http://www.desertpridecenter.org/ My therapist also suggested I find a support group also. I think I'm being slow to do so waiting until I feel better. I've been on the E for almost 2 weeks and I'm just

starting to feel a little better.

I'm not as lightheaded as I was and I'm not tired all day long. I am able to push myself past it some. I guess I also have come back here to EA because I know of the fine folks that reside here. I have never seen such a kind and supportive group as we have here. I know I need to give people in my area a try though. I'm sure there are fine folks here also.

I watched Showtime's documentary,"Trinidad", yesterday. One of the gals said she took 12 years to transition and thought that those that hurry through it make a mistake. I don't think I want to take that long, but I do see her point. After seeing this and a couple of the "Sex Change Hospital" series, I see that there are people, not unlike me, who have transitioned successfully. I know I need to get a plan going. I want to take a little time and feel good before I jump in though.

Thanks to you and all those here that offer their support. I really appreciate it.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

I am so sorry to hear about you're job situation. MrT told me about it a few days ago so I jumped to the end of your thread to try and understand what was going on. I still don't really know what you do. I had hoped, that with as good as your company worked with you with your transition, that they would keep you as a valued employee. With all that you have going on, I'm surprised to see you posting on my thread. I really appreciate your doing so.

Thanks for your kind words! I am fortunate in that I really have a lot going for me as I look at new possibilities for work. The reality is, there are many things I am qualified for; I am very fortunate in this. The challenge is finding the right position. I will get there.

I am also starting to feel my usual confidence returning. This is very good.

It helps me to write when I think I might help someone a bit. This is why I will look for a once a week volunteer opportunity. It will give me the same good feeling of helping someone, it will get me out of the house, and it will keep me grounded emotionally.

I have located a couple groups within 50 miles of where I live. The closest is Transgendered Soul. Their web site is: http://www.transgendered-soul.com/ They also have a Yahoo Group that I have joined, but I haven't posted there yet. They are probably the more Christian of the two. The other one is in Palm Springs. Their web site is: http://www.desertpridecenter.org/ My therapist also suggested I find a support group also. I think I'm being slow to do so waiting until I feel better. I've been on the E for almost 2 weeks and I'm just

[quote="Hairless (imported)" time

=1245708900]
starting to feel a little better.

I'm not as lightheaded as I was and I'm not tired all day long. I am able to push myself past it some. I guess I also have come back here to EA because I know of the fine folks that reside here. I have never seen such a kind and supportive group as we have here. I know I need to give people in my area a
[/quote]
try though. I'm sure there are fine f

olks here also.

I agree, there are many fine folks here.

I watched Showtime's documentary,"Trinidad", yesterday. One of the gals said she took 12 years to transition and thought that those that hurry through it make a mistake. I don't think I want to take that long, but I do see her point. After seeing this and a couple of the "Sex Change Hospital" series, I see that there are people, not unlike me, who have transitioned successfully. I know I need to get a plan going. I want to ta

ke a little time and feel good before I jump in though.

In a way, well perhaps several ways, I was a hurrier with my transition. For several reasons, I felt I had no choice but to proceed the way I did. Overall, my experience has turned out far better than even the very good result I had imagined. Part of my returning confidence (I was never this confident before I transitioned) is a direct result of being my true self.

Everyone, though, must decide how quickly, or slowly, to proceed and find the best path for themselves. Whatever that looks like in the end.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Come to the MOM in August, and we will find you.

Or you can find us.

We're pretty easy to spot.

After all, a Red Nun is hard to hide.

So is a light sabre, Paolo!

[punkypink (imported)]

I have Darth Vader's light sabre from Episode V. If I ever meet Paolo I'll be sure to bring it along for a duel

[Hairless (imported)]

Is it me or am I weird. Since being on the estrogel, I have had less and less desire to be female. At my last visit to my therapist, he thought that I might be 2 spirited like the native American's believe. I don't know what I am, but it seems that sex hormones have the opposite effect on me. If I can stay where I am right know, except with more energy, I can live with that. I don't know if I could afford or do a proper job of becoming a woman anyway.

I saw my GP a few days ago and told him I was on the Estrogel. He's OK with that. He told me that my last blood test showed I was way down on the T, but I had been weening off of it for a few weeks before the test. I go for another blood test for T and E levels in another week. While I was there I told him how tired I was and asked if a B12 shot would help me. He said, "lets try it". It might be helping as I am not as dizzy or tired and I am sleeping better. So if I decide it's worth it, I can get a B12 shot every 3-4 weeks.

I guess I'll have to wait and see what transpires in the months ahead.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Is it me or am I weird. Since being on the estrogel, I have had less and less desire to be female. At my last visit to my therapist, he thought that I might be 2 spirited like the native American's believe. I don't know what I am, but it seems that sex hormones have the opposite effect on me. If I can stay where I am right know, except with more energy, I can live with that. I don't know if I could afford or do a proper job of becoming a woman anyway.

I saw my GP a few days ago and told him I was on the Estrogel. He's OK with that. He told me that my last blood test showed I was way down on the T, but I had been weening off of it for a few weeks before the test. I go for another blood test for T and E levels in another week. While I was there I told him how tired I was and asked if a B12 shot would help me. He said, "lets try it". It might be helping as I am not as dizzy or tired and I am sleeping better. So if I decide it's worth it, I can get a B12 shot every 3-4 weeks.

I guess I'll have to wait and see what transpires in the months ahead.

Hi Hairless,

I believe what you're experiencing is similar to what Bryan went through when she began female HRT. From what she told me, the estrogen therapy relieved the symptoms from GID. She described as the cure for GID.

It might also be the same for you. Now that you're on your way to becoming the real person you have always been in your heart and mind, it relieves your thought process, because subconsciously your mind knows you're now on the right path.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

Yes, Erica recalls correctly. When I started taking estrogen, the continuous "GID loop" in my mind -- the obsessive thoughts about gender -- eased considerably. I was able to think low-priority, non-gender-related thoughts once more. Prior to starting estrogen, my brain was consumed with gender thoughts, and the only non-gender-related thoughts which could hold my attention for long were "high-priority" things (e.g., work or personal interaction).

Here is link which describes something similar (though not exactly the same) to what you are experiencing: Anne Vitale FAQs (http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm#category%206)

NOTE: When you click the link, be patient while your browser takes you to Category 6 in the middle of the longish page.

In her answer to Question 1, Anne states:

For example, I explain to all my MTF clients that paradoxically taking estrogen will diminish not only their libido, it will diminish their need to crossdress. I know that is counterintuitive but it is a fact.

However, as she states further down (see Question 8), the mental benefits persist only as long as the patient keeps taking estrogen. If it were a "cure", you could stop taking it after awhile. As it stands, it is only a treatment -- not a cure.

Hope you find Anne's FAQs helpful,

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

Its good news that your doctor knows and is cool with this. I really think that our doctors are more understanding and mature about things like this then we give them credit for. I remember being pretty worried my GP would start acting weird around me after my Orchiectomy and was quite pleased when I had my physical and it was just SOP with everything.

Re: Estrogen. I've heard that before from Terri's thread? If I can guess whats going on - Before your Orchiectomy and while you were taking Testosterone you felt "wrong." Now your taking the right Fuel (estrogen) for your body and things feel "right." Your comfortable in your skin for once. Relaxed and "ok" right? I think your GID "problem" is being resolved by the application of the correct hormones. And while you may not feel the same Urges to be female taking Estrogen is surely making you so.

Maybe I'm saying this badly but the idea is simple. Your not needing to be female because you are becoming female. This is a stage that I think many TS women go through but I probably should do some more R&D before saying it. But you know me! I think out loud a lot...

And as to troubles being a proper women. I really don't know what to tell you but I'm not particularly turned on (or off) by TS women but if you search Lynn Conway's web site she has a long list of TS women and they all look to me like "real women." Some are average, a few above average some below. Just like in real life! You a tad tall (If I remember right) did I ever tell you about the girls Basketball player I was totally in love with. She could rest her chin on my head. Do you think I cared??? So, don't let how you look as a man let you believe that you will look this way as a woman. I've met three of our TS friends on EA (Teri, Erica, Danya) and they all blend well if you ask me. Are they 19 year old supermodels? Nope... But they are not 19 years old either!

Hey great on the B12! One of the ladies in the office does these and she swears by them. She said the only thing wrong with them is she wants them more often!

Is it me or am I weird. Since being on the estrogel, I have had less and less desire to be female. At my last visit to my therapist, he thought that I might be 2 spirited like the native American's believe. I don't know what I am, but it seems that sex hormones have the opposite effect on me. If I can stay where I am right know, except with more energy, I can live with that. I don't know if I could afford or do a proper job of becoming a woman anyway.

I saw my GP a few days ago and told him I was on the Estrogel. He's OK with that. He told me that my last blood test showed I was way down on the T, but I had been weening off of it for a few weeks before the test. I go for another blood test for T and E levels in another week. While I was there I told him how tired I was and asked if a B12 shot would help me. He said, "lets try it". It might be helping as I am not as dizzy or tired and I am sleeping better. So if I decide it's worth it, I can get a B12 shot every 3-4 weeks.

I guess I'll have to wait and see what transpires in the months ahead.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Hairless,

I believe what you're experiencing is similar to what Bryan went through when she began female HRT. From what she told me, the estrogen therapy relieved the symptoms

from GID. She described as the cure for GID.

Hi Hairless,

Yes, Erica recalls correctly. When I started taking estrogen, the continuous "GID loop" in my mind -- the

obsessive thoughts about gender -- eased considerably.

After only a month or so of estrogen treatment, I started to feel really calm. Part of this may have been psychological.

But I also had physical symptoms, such as feeling cold even outside on very warm, humid days. My gender therapist said "yep, that's the estrogen at work." She added that this and some other very positive things I was experiencing were also clear confirmation that I am transsexual. Not that I needed this confirmation.

At about this time, I wrote a post on my main thread with a title something like "It's official - I am a transsexual." Truth is, I knew or even better, felt, that this was my reality before I started estrogen. The 'official' confirmation was nice but I didn't need it.

[Hairless (imported)]

all for the info, I believe you are correct. I have read this happening with others that didn't want to transition, but wanted the "feelings" to go away. Personally, I think I fall in that category. I think that many think that I am in denial and the girl side will eventually win. That may be the way it plays out, but right now I think I would be better off if I could stay where I am now.

Last week my therapist told me he use to work on the reservation with the Native Americans. He said that they think that we are all given a burden to carry through life. Everyone in the village can see that others have a burden that they are carrying, but they don't try to help each other with it. They don't talk about it in public. He told me that the only place they bare their souls is in the sweat lodge. In there, everyone can talk about their burdens, but nothing discussed there can leave there. I guess that gender issues is my burden and EA and my therapist's office are my sweat lodges.

all for sweating with me.

or should I say perspiring.

[Hairless (imported)]

I saw my Endocrinologist yesterday. He said my testosterone level was way down and my estrogen level was 57. He said that put it at high male and low female levels. I've been feeling better lately. I guess my system is finally settling down from getting off the pain meds, androgel and starting estrogel. Maybe the B12 shot helped. With so many things changing, it's hard to know what is making me feel better. I do know I am sleeping better. I'm not getting those annoying nocturnal erections waking me up any more, but if I want an erection, I can still get one.

[twaddler (imported)]

"

For example, I explain to all my MTF clients that paradoxically taking estrogen will diminish not only their libido, it will diminish their need to crossdress. I know that is counterintuitive but it is a fact.

"

For me, without estrogen I have almost no libido, with it my libido comes roaring to life. *shrugs*

[helsinki (imported)]

For me, without estrogen I have almost no libido, with it my libido comes roaring to life.

Estrogen works the same way for me.

[Hairless (imported)]

I haven't posted for a while, waiting for something to happen. Not much has. My last blood test shows my E level at 67.4 and my T level at 30. My Endo. was surprised that my body hasn't changed any. Where I'm at now, I am comfortable with, except I would like to lose some weight. Since I have been so tired, I asked him if I could add a little Androgel to the mix as my T level was actually low for a woman. So I am now using 1 pump Estrogel and 1 pump of Androgel. I've been on this for a couple weeks and I'm feeling better. Now that my last X-ray showed my spine has fused this time, I am trying to get myself in better shape. I'm just really hoping the GID stays on the back burner. I really don't see where transition would be a good fit for me. I'm really getting tired of vacillating back and forth.

[mrt (imported)]

I'm glad to see you post again.

If a tree falls in a forest with no one to see it has the tree really fallen? If you have your testicles removed and go on female HRT and your body / mind change but you don't "say" it will you still change? I think the tree still falls and 6 months of female HRT does rewire you to be female. But.... I'm not in your shoes.

Being female btw I think there is a great range. Maybe your the Tomboy type? Or lesbian? Or whatever. Thats OK! At least I think so...

[graylayer02 (imported)]

Hi there Hairless,

First of all, I remember the tremendous levels of support that you gave me four years ago when I was dealing with all sorts of confusion. I haven't forgotten this and I wish to thank you.

It sounds like you're kind of finding a place in between male and female that you like; who says that you have to be totally one or the other? How has this continued over the past couple of months?

And you know what they say in relation to the sweat lodge: Friends that sweat together stick together.

[Hairless (imported)]

Hi guys, it's been a while. Not much happening with me. My second surgery on my spine was successful and my surgeon says I am properly fused now. I still have some pain and nerve issues, but I think most of that is my fault. I defiantly need to walk more and do my exercises. I have gained 10 lbs. since the last surgery and that doesn't help any. I really need to get my act in gear.

Gray, you're welcome. It's been a long time since I gave you my 2 cents worth and it sounds like you've had quite a journey yourself.

I just got back from having a bone density scan, hopefully that brings good news. The little bit of Androgel I was using gave me more energy, but it made me have more gender feelings. After my last blood test, my Endocrinologist told me to stop the Androgel and he doubled my Estrogel. That was 2 weeks ago and I still feel good. I'm glad those annoying morning erections have stopped again also. So far, except for gaining some weight, I haven't seen much change in my body or temperament. I haven't had any breast tenderness, but they do seem a little larger. Probably from the weight gain.

I still don't know where this is all going. I'm just looking for a little peace.

[mrt (imported)]

It sounds like you need to forgive yourself for being who you are. I'm glad your feeling better with the pain and the Hormone Therapy. I agree with Gary. Don't be afraid to be who you are no matter what that ends up being. As to your breast development etc. Don't sweat it. Leave it in God's hands and enjoy your life.

As to those nasty night time erections. Oh, if you knew the trouble I take to get those....

I remember telling Transgirl23NY not to be so down on her private parts. Just to think of them as a really large set of female parts. And if you know how male and female babies grow they really are. BTW if your worried about bone loss the Estrogen "should" take care of that? Energy wise I think you might want to think about a true female Mix of hormones that includes some testosterone. Have you pondered doing a compounded cream to take care of your hormones?