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Hi all,

As July 15th nears, have started praying earnestly for God to reveal His will to me. If not dead by then, will need a new way to live. The dysphoria has not diminshed with the passage of time. Would like to fulfill my role as husband and parent, but present life is not sustainable.

Still have a hard time believing gender identity could change so dramatically, so I'm inclined to believe I have been female all along. Q: What happens when you put a female spirit -- a docile one at that -- in a male body and bring them up as a boy? A: They think they are a boy! That is, until the cracks start appearing.

My present state of mind is similar to Jennifer Ann Burnett's leading up to her decision to transition (written from the Divine perspective):

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:47 pm http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/

answer.html

It seemed to her that I had withdrawn my daily grace to continue living the masculine role I had asked her to resume so long ago. She found it increasingly difficult to get up every morning and she longed for death rather than to live so onerous a life. She began "passively" trying to kill herself, overeating and ballooning up to 236 lbs on her 68" frame. Her blood pressure and cholesterol soared. But she did not care, for she just wanted her life to end and be set free from the daily torture of trying to be someone she was not.

That Fall, on September 29th, during one of her repeated prayers to Me to just take her life, even as she contemplated running her truck into the freeway abutment to "gracefully" exit this world (in a manner that others would assume was an accident), I came to her in My overwhelming Presence. In the midst of her agitation and hopelessness, I spoke the words that she had so longed to hear but never thought would come, "Jennifer, it is your time".

Not sure what answer I'm looking for. Death would be convenient. Divorce would be sad. Transition is a scary thought. But my present mode of living is a mockery of life.

Occurred to me I haven't been able to picture myself growing old as a man for quite some time now.

While sitting here at my desk listening to music, just burst into tears realizing who/what I am (TS). "Your life as you have known it is no longer an option. You are a confused female married to a straight female. You have to figure out a way to survive."

Decided to start taking DHEA and 5-HTP again, for tears are coming too easily. (Sleep has also been poor because of emotional upheaval.) I don't mind tears, but they would betray me. Wife would realize I'm not "cured." As it is, she noticed how stuffy I sounded over the weekend.

Terri

ADDENDUM (rant?): Why is present living so hard?

1. Would like to tell son about gender issues, but that is verboten -- immediate grounds for divorce.

2. I feel like an actor on the rare occasions when wife and I have sex. "What am I doing?!" My orientation has changed to a degree. I don't initiate love-making because "I have that crappy equipment down there" and refuse to look at it erect.

3. Happily feeling normal (i.e., female) until catching sight of some part of my body which contradicts such feelings: armpit hair, leg hair, etc.

4. The unending obsession with gender. One cannot escape gender, so when one has problems with it, one's entire life is affected.

5. Having to keep all of this secret -- even from my wife.

6. Although medications help some aspects, I end up feeling dead emotionally, simply going thru the motions.

7. Hopelessness: the only known cure (i.e., transition) is devastating to everything dear. This opening post on this thread cited the hopelessness for sufferers of GID, including Christians. That's where I was in September 2005 and I'm there today.

There's also the pain of things which can't be changed:

1. Never got to be a mother.

2. Missing the childhood I could have had as a girl.

3. Sadness/pathos of GID: mismatched mind and body -- an emotional landmine lurking to destroy one's life at some point. (Better if one can discover it before marriage.)

4. All of the various "inappropriate" longings I fought against throughout my life.

I would never have believed it could be this painful and out of one's control if it hadn't happened to me.

Dear Terri

Please Please do not do anything to hurt yourself. Promise me you will not do anything to hurt yourself. This will sound a little contradictory but Your son needs you (even if he turns against his new mom [you sweetie] now! He will still need you ALIVE. Think of the quilt he would have (and he would blame himself if anything happed to you)

Now the contradiction: YOU MUST DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU WITH THE LEAST DAMAGE TO ALL CONCERNED. Think about you not being there (i.e. death) Way to much damage. Leaving the relationship? Not so much damage. You may not think so now but the future has so much potential. Just think of all the fun and enjoyment you would miss being Terri full time. I can see you dancing, playing piano watching a sunset meeting a lot of people like us who understand the pain we've been through. Wouldn't happen if you aren't here.

I could dump a few clichés here but the bottom line is things can AND DO change. NOTHING stays the same. I too was in a similar situation as you and cannot believe how great things are now. (It took a long time and a lot of patients).

Not to piss off all the religious fanatics out there but it sounds like it is causing you a lot of pain. I have been an agnostic for a very long time and can't believe all the crap and brainwashing that goes on in the name of religion. I could go on for hours here but the bottom line is you have to be you and quit been a sheep for any to control. Like family, church and society

Is the psychologist you are going to very understanding of GID? If not run. I have been to many counselors over the years and find only one in ten know how to help the rest could harm you. If you live in the northern Ca bay area I highly recommend finding one sensitive to GID issues. I could recommend Anne Vitale (check out online avitale.com).

WORTH REPEATING

plix (imported) wrote: Fri Jun 23, 2006 11:52 pm As far as discovering whether a person is TV or TS is concerned, I would say that nobody but the individual herself can make that decision, and that even excludes doctors and therapists. Those people can only guide a person toward what is already inside them.

As far as divorce goes IT IS BETTER TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME THAN TO LIVE IN ONE. Your home is broken.

MUCH LOVE AND I CARE

Lindaleah

Lindaleah,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, well-thought-out advice. You've given me plenty to think about.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:38 pm As far as divorce goes IT IS BETTER TO COME FROM A BROKEN HOME THAN TO LIVE IN ONE. Your home is broken.

Good point. Our home is broken. It's not showing yet, but it will.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:38 pm Promise me you will not do anything to hurt yourself.

I promise. If religion weren't enough, near-death experiences for suicide attempts are universally bad. The idea of suicide comes to mind, but is rejected each time. If I die early, it will from an answer to prayer, not my own hand.

[Your son] will still need you ALIVE.

I ask myself which is better: a flaky, out-of-town father who's an embarrassment (assuming worst case) or a warm, increasingly-hazy, unblemished memory.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:38 pm YOU MUST DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU WITH THE LEAST DAMAGE TO ALL CONCERNED.

Wise advice. I'll use it.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:38 pm Not to piss off all the religious fanatics out there...

I'm one myself. Oh, the irony! Bad things like TSism aren't supposed to happen to nice, neat lives.[/SARCASM off]

When I first joined EA, I put myself in the shoes of others, agonizing over the morality of transitioning -- literally losing sleep over the matter -- little realizing I would face the same dilemma later on. I don't judge others in the least, but all I've come up with is "transition is better than suicide." Part of the problem is TSism is so subjective. Doctors, pastors, and spouses can't measure the pain, only the outward disturbances: lower productivity, depression, etc. Even the TS wonders: How bad is it, relatively-speaking? Am I just being weak-willed, or is this really big-league stuff? Since religious TS's have to settle religious issues before transition, I've got more thinking/praying to do. As it is, I work for a mission organization and my job will be toast with either divorce or transition. (Suppose I'd have to change jobs anyway to bring in more money.)

Religion adds another dimension to possible damage. If I were to transition, I would be universally badmouthed in this area. Yet, if my boy gets to spend any time with me, he would see the same Scripture-loving soul he knew previously. The dissonance could easily breed cynicism and cause him to reject religion.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 06, 2006 11:38 pm Is the psychologist you are going to very understanding of GID?

Don't know but will look into it. Yes, I don't need a browbeating.

Thanks much,

Terri

Dear Terri

I'm glad to hear you do not plan to harm yourself. I know it is a lot more complicated with a young child in the picture. You could lose (worst case) the visitation with him.

I don't know if this will help but I came out to my wife about 15 years ago and she was not accepting at the time even though our kids(3 of them) were adults and out of the house. I never gave up and she found the one in ten counselors that were helpful. With my permission she discussed my transgenderism her counselor and the counselor said she didn't think it should be a problem and said it was a brain wiring and I wouldn't change. (HOW TRUE) since then my wife has become very accepting. Still at times it is hard for her but getting easier. Worst problem now is WHAT WILL OTHERS THINK?

One of the things we did for a few years that might work for you is to have time to dress. My wife would call before she came home from whatever so I could go back to drab (bummer never long enough) but did alleviate some of the pain. Also have worn feminine undergarments under the male cloths most of the time last 15 years. In the mean time maybe you could look for good counselors?

One more thing my wife was raised Christian Scientist and was very dedicated until about 25 year ago when our kids were young she realized the stupidity of letting kids die of appendicitis or any of the diseases that are readily curable. When you put most religions to the real scientific test (I know all but yours. That's what they all believe by the brainwashing they've received) they fail. My personal belief is that religions are the root of most evil. If you look at the wars over time they are religious fanatics pushing their brand of religion. Check out Iraq, Ireland, America (yes it happens here but not so much as in other countries) (the list goes on and on) two factions of similar religions killing each other. HOW DUMB CAN WE BE?????

Part of the religious message I hear is ::: I believe in peace, love, tranquility, the golden rule and love of my fellow man but if you don't believe as I do I got to kill you.

Sorry to be such a downer on religion as there are some who do a lot of very good things and help a lot of people but I believe the same thing can be (and has been) accomplished without religion.

I do believe in spirituality and perhaps a higher power just not anything connected to humans

If you can get a copy of Anthony Robbins "Personal Power" or "Get the edge" I highly recommend it. And he is somewhat religious and mentions it in the presentations. So perhaps you could stay on that path. The program has probably done more for getting me to where I am than anything else. (I just ignore the religiosity) you of course can just ignore my anti religiosity.

Now I can get off my soap box.

Lindaleah

PS my point is there is a lot of pain caused in the name of religion.

Lindaleah

Hi! Lest you be reborn again with a spirit of God, things of God are as foolishness. If we are Born again of the Holy Spirit and he lives with-in us we will be miserable till we submit to his/Christ's will. This message is to all that accept it and I hope that it will not be deleted. Whether it is or is not, its O.K., Leona/ Ed We all have to do what we think is right. All the Best

Dear Leona/Ed,

Your post can stay as far as I'm concerned.

If we are b

Leona Lee (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 1:15 am orn again of the Holy Spirit and he lives within us we will be miserable till we submit to his/Christ's will.

"A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" (Proverbs 18:14)

I'll admit I'm born again, miserable, and honestly searching for God's will. Living out what would seem to be His will makes me long for death -- so something is amiss. I believe part of the issue is determining one's gender identity. If the answer comes up "female," that rocks the boat and can't help but impact one's marriage.

Prior to becoming Christian at age 30, I had many perversions. Of all the perversions there are, I probably had 70% of them. In all that time, I never had any sexual interest in a male.* And the perversions are gone. However, when my wife cuddles on top of me, I hug tight and imagine she is a male and me a female. On the rare occasions when we've had sex recently, it has a lesbian-ish feel and I do as little as necessary. (Great partner, aren't I?) So just what is the righteous thing to do?

(Sorry for the detail above but it seems necessary under the circumstances.)

* However, there were a few occasions where I recall having a warm secure/protected feeling while standing next to tall male friends. Some of the buried TSism leaking out?

Let me ask: Do you think some people are genuinely cross-gendered, or would you say "male body, therefore male brain?" The answer to that will determine one's religious response. If cross-gendering occurs, it would seem cruel to consign the patient to their wrong-sex body even after the problem is discovered and found to cause substantial grief.

I'm not suggesting we take an "in-your-face transition is American as apple pie" attitude. In the OT, some sins earned banishment/exile. I've come to see OT banishment as a blessing. The behavior wasn't serious enough to earn death, but it wasn't model behavior either (nor was there a remedy necessarily) and would cause problems for all concerned if the guilty party remained. So exile was good for the community and good for the exiled. I fully accept that my TSism may lead to banishment (not that I have a choice regarding gender identity).

Another thing: Transition isn't the only option to weigh against conscience. There are inbetween states, such as a female body in a male presentation. I've been checking conscience for things like hair removal, estrogen, and penectomy and don't have a problem with these in themselves. (However, it would spell disaster for the marriage, so that becomes a factor.) Or is it better for me to become an unpredictable, emotional wreck? That is the direction I'm going. When mother-in-law found out about my death wish 6 weeks ago thru my wife, she immediately became concerned: "He will be a danger on the road! He may swerve into oncoming traffic with little 'jimmy' in the car!" Just how stressed do we allow a human to become? Until they become a possible risk to others, or do they have to become a certified danger?

With love and respect for who you are,

Terri

Dear Terri

You can recite religious babble till your blue in face but what everyone has to do is get real. QUIT letting people brainwash you. That is what (al quida sp?) does. If your idea of god or higher power or whatever is good how come he allows so much pain????

And if you're supposed to be male or female how do explain intersexed people.

People don't wake up one morning and say I guess I'll be gay or TG or ??? and know they will have pain because of it. It is what they are. IT IS WHO WE ARE.

There is a spectrum of people with brain wiring from full male to full female and everything in between. THIS IS REAL. You have to seek you own destiny and become who you really are. What right does your significant other or family or society or religious brainwashers have to tell you what you are to be??? Maybe you should tell them what they should be??? MORE ACCEPTING??? MORE LOVING??? MORE EDUCATED ABOUT TRANSGENDER ISSUES???

I care

Lindaleah

I agree with Leona that only when you are in tune with God can you understand the things of Him. But not everyone is meant to know God at any given point. Some people have to come to Him in their own time, and many will not ever come to Him in this lifetime.

As far as religious debates are concerned, I don't see much point to them as I learned long ago that neither side is going to change the other's mind. Some do well with God, others do well without Him. If each side could learn to accept this fact, we would all be so much better off.

I too have had some serious spiritual conflicts with transition, though they were not my primary reasons for abandoning transition. All I can figure out is that God has a plan for each of our lives and we can't always know what exactly that plan consists of.

I do know that if transition were not in God's plan for you and you went ahead with it anyway, he would love and accept you just the same. He never turns anyone away no matter what they have done. That's the essence of unconditional love. He loves you and nothing you do or do not do can change that.

Hi Lindaleah,

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:42 am If your idea of god or higher power or whatever is good,

how come he allows so much pain?

People have been asking this kind of question for eons. Any attempt at an answer would sound trite, so I'll just respond with a recent insight. All I know is He took the risk of making sentient creatures who could: (1) critique Him and His works, and (2) choose to reject Him. Imagine how He may have felt during creation week: "I hope they like it." I respect Him for the risk He took.

lindaleah (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:42 am And if you're supposed to be male or female how do explain intersexed people?

True. Intersex condition (and other birth defects) are a counterexample for the "God-does-not-make-mistakes" crowd. (Mistakes happen, but I wouldn't blame them on God.) Jennifer Ann Burnett has a nice essay over at Grace and Lace ([quote="bryan (imp

plix (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 1:28 pm orted)" time=1127789220]
http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/mistakes.html

) on this very issue.

* * *

Hi Plix,

(Congratulations to you and Ken, b
[/quote]
y the way!)

As far as religious debates are concerned, I don't see much point to them as I learned long ago that neither side is going to change the other's mind.

So true!

* * *

Hi all,

Good days occur after all. Was at a children's water party yesterday. Love playing with children, and gender issues didn't interfere.

Today hasn't gone so well. My son was mad about something and wrote a short note, calling me "junk" in it. Wouldn't have stung except that's how I feel about myself these days. Started crying in front of him (and composure was unstable afterward as well).

Starting to think wife and I may have to separate. I'm just too flaky due to GID.

Been doing more reading at Grace and Lace. This entry from "Jane" struck a chord:

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:47 pm http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/

guilt.html

I was away last week, for my mother-in-law's funeral. Because of her family, I was in "guy" mode for several days. I take an anti-depressive, but I was so down. I lay on the couch and was crying. My spouse came and held my hand and asked why I was so sad. Why? Because I wanted so much to be a real husband, a real son-in-law, a real farmer... but I knew I couldn't be. Maybe for a day or so, but any longer was just so hard. I knew I couldn't be 'him' for very long. And that time has gotten shorter and shorter.

Sometimes I think I should just change my name back and return to the farm full time. We have SO many loving caring friends there. But while on the couch I clearly realized that I could never ever do that if I wanted to live. I got so depressed that I saw death as a solution. I knew then that I can NEVER be 'him' again, at least for more than an day or two.

And I realized that I felt so sad at this. I cannot be the person I want to be. I feel guilty that I cannot be the person that I promised I was when we said our marriage vows. I cannot be the person that our friends and church family had seen for the past years. That person is gone and can no longer live. He can only come for short visits at best.

I grieve for this person I once knew. I feel guilty that I cannot keep the promises I have made. That's why it's so hard.

When I proposed to my current wife, I said, "Divorce won't even be considered as an option." I understand and share Jane's sadness. The person I used to be is gone, and the person I am now is unable to live up to the old person's vows.

Terri

Hi all,

One of the COGIATI questions is sticking in my mind (and not because it involves death): "You are about to die. In your last moments, you are presented with a choice. You can be buried and remembered as a man, or buried and remembered as a woman. Which do you choose?"

When I took the COGIATI a year ago, I didn't care; being remembered as a man seemed most accurate. But now I understand the significance of this question because I do want to be acknowledged/remembered as a female. I no longer feel like a man. Indeed, there seems to be a mental wall when I try to put myself back into that frame of mind. I want my family (parents/siblings) to know I'm actually female inside. ("That's why I've always been a little different...") It has taken years to realize the cross-gendering, but now that understanding has come, there's a yearning to assert my true identity.

Thanks for listening. This diary has been good therapy over the months,

Terri

Hi! I have replied below.

Hugs, Leona/ Ed

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 4:15 am Dear Leona/Ed,

Your post can stay as far as I'm concerned.

"A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" (Proverbs 18:14)

I'll admit I'm born again, miserable, and honestly searching for God's will. Living out what would seem to be His will makes me long for death -- so something is amiss. I believe part of the issue is determining one's gender identity. If the answer comes up "female," that rocks the boat and can't help but impact one's marriage.

Prior to becoming Christian at age 30, I had many perversions. Of all the perversions there are, I probably had 70% of them. In all that time, I never had any sexual interest in a male.* And the perversions are gone. However, when my wife cuddles on top of me, I hug tight and imagine she is a male and me a female. On the rare occasions when we've had sex recently, it has a lesbian-ish feel and I do as little as necessary. (Great partner, aren't I?) So just what is the righteous thing to do?

(Sorry for the detail above but it seems necessary under the circumstances.)

* However, there were a few occasions where I recall having a warm secure/protected feeling while standing next to tall male friends. Some of the buried TSism leaking out?

Let me ask: Do you think some people are genuinely cross-gendered, or would you say "male body, therefore male brain?" The answer to that will determine one's religious response. If cross-gendering occurs, it would seem cruel to consign the patient to their wrong-sex body even after the problem is discovered and found to cause substantial grief.

>>Terri,<< you don't have to be apoligetic for anything. I struggle still at times but I know that Holy Spirit is much stronger. Many "Religous" folks make judgements and it is wrong. The Holy Spirit will make those calls and I think it is very personal. The term ,"Religous" relly grinds on me and brings to mind the Pharisee's. A walk with Jesus is very personel and religion does not fit. I know and understand your struggles, Jesus is much bigger. He Loves all of us so much and puts up with our problems only wishing to see us through. Some should worry about that board in their own eye before trying to remove specks from others. I Love you all because Christ Loves Me.

All the Best, Leona/ Ed >>Terri,<< you don't have to be apoligetic for anything. I struggle still at times but I know that Holy Spirit is much stronger. Many "Religous" folks make judgements and it is wrong. The Holy Spirit will make those calls and I think it is very personal. The term ,"Religous" relly grinds on me and brings to mind the Pharisee's. A walk with Jesus is very personel and religion does not fit. I know and understand your struggles, Jesus is much bigger. He Loves all of us so much and puts up with our problems only wishing to see us through. Some should worry about that board in their own eye before trying to remove specks from others. I Love you all because Christ Loves Me.

All the Best, Leona/ Ed <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 08, 2006 4:15 am I'm not suggesting we take an "in-your-face transition is American as apple pie" attitude. In the OT, some sins earned banishment/exile. I've come to see OT banishment as a blessing. The behavior wasn't serious enough to earn death, but it wasn't model behavior either (nor was there a remedy necessarily) and would cause problems for all concerned if the guilty party remained. So exile was good for the community and good for the exiled. I fully accept that my TSism may lead to banishment (not that I have a choice regarding gender identity).

Another thing: Transition isn't the only option to weigh against conscience. There are inbetween states, such as a female body in a male presentation. I've been checking conscience for things like hair removal, estrogen, and penectomy and don't have a problem with these in themselves. (However, it would spell disaster for the marriage, so that becomes a factor.) Or is it better for me to become an unpredictable, emotional wreck? That is the direction I'm going. When mother-in-law found out about my death wish 6 weeks ago thru my wife, she immediately became concerned: "He will be a danger on the road! He may swerve into oncoming traffic with little 'jimmy' in the car!" Just how stressed do we allow a human to become? Until they become a possible risk to others, or do they have to become a certified danger?

With love and respect for who you are,

Terri

Hi all,

Anger is one of the steps in grieving, right?

Seeing more anger in me; would just like to throw/kick things sometimes. Example: While my son was checking for change in some vending machines, I saw a tampon (unused, still in its package) lying on the ground in front of a machine. My boy loves picking up junk from the ground and was ready to pick up the tampon. I told him to leave it alone. I then KICKED it HARD under the machine.

There's more to my anger in that instance, but can't bring myself to tell about it (and your response, no doubt, would be "TMI"). I'll just leave it as a rhetorical question: Can one's relationship to tampons/kotex help them discern whether they are TV or TS?

Wife noticed me being out of sorts this weekend and didn't let me get by with saying, "Oh, just some depression." For lack of anything I could freely talk about, told about son's note, the one calling me "junk." She reassured me I am not junk. I so wanted to tell her what's really going on inside, but don't feel at liberty to until the "all bets are off" date of July 15th. If and when I tell her, I will become untouchable scum [again] to her: "So you weren't healed on May 25th after all?!"

The decision to postpone life changes until July 15th has provided useful incubation time, allowing my thinking to crystalize. You'll notice I haven't been including 'Bryan' in the signature lately. Whereas I was confused previously, I'm pretty well convinced now my core identity is female. Things 'fit' now. The main breakthrough was realiz

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 17, 2006 6:31 am ing I was high-intensity TS before castration;

thus, castration resulted from TSism, not the reverse. Of course, my personality and behavior is a blend of gender -- what else can be expected when one is "raised by wolves" (i.e., raised as the other gender)?

Integrating this with faith: If I'm convinced my core identity (=soul) is female, that is how God made me. Therefore, it would be improper -- dare I say perverse? -- to: (1) coax this patient into being more male through any sort of "reparative therapy," or (2) try to induce guilt for no longer buying into the mantle of manhood. That doesn't mean everything is rosy.

Touching incident: Son and I have a drawing game we play, and my alter ego is a watermelon seed named Wally. We played on Saturday during our lunch out. Was feeling down, so named my character "Wally the Insane." My son asked what insane meant, so I explained. Later on, when I started crying with him in the vehicle, he timidly asked, "Are you feeling like Wally the Insane?" All I could do was nod -- no words could come.

In a reply to Brandon on another thread, mentioned how testosterone messes with the mind. Whereas I had previously thought my sexual perversions were an intrinsic part of me, castration showed me they were a result of T, not me. What I didn't mention, however, was how castration showed me TSism is an intrinsic part of me. That brought some sobs in prayer today. Wonder why it is that we humans instinctively hold our heads, a hand on each temple, when we are desperate and don't know what to do?

On the lighter side:

Q: Isn't transition an awful lot of work? I mean, there's so much you have to work on: voice, mannerisms, make-up, handwriting, etc. You'd have to be thinking about it 24x7!

A: That's okay. We'd be thinking about it 24x7 anyway. :-\

Terri

I think anger is involved in grieving and also a part of a healthy emotional balance. Sometimes you need to be angry. I always claim I'm not a person who really gets angry, but I think I am actually angry about a lot of things; I just don't release it the way I should. If you are able to release it, you will feel much better after you're through.

I have noticed you no longer include Bryan in your signature, and I am glad you are coming to realize your identity It isn't very easy for me to think of you as a man because I just don't perceive you that way.

Yes, transition is a huge amount of work. I wasn't willing to put in much effort which is much of why I did not succeed. My walk screamed man and my voice probably wasn't far behind. Hormones can help, but they don't do it all. In fact, some consider hormones to be the least important part of passing as female. I think that if you truly are female, much of presenting yourself as such will come naturally.

Hopefully my last word on the religious subject. I too was very religious when someone pointed out that it was probably our ego that dictates we must have a higher power (and there was much more debate about the subject).

I don't want to put anyone down just want them to think for themselves and not just repeat what they have been brain washed with. People like Hitler, Jim Jones, David Korish(sp?) Jim bakker(sp?) succeed because people want someone to tell them what to think. (I spent a year and a half in Germany the 60's and talked to Germans about that).

Please think for yourself and be sure it is what you think and believe not what someone has told what you should believe.

one more last word. If you really must believe in God do you really need a middle man (that will take your money)???

I care

Lindaleah

Dear Diary,

Woke up with the Dan Fogelberg song "Longer" going thru my head. Then it came to mind during my shower. Then it came to mind as I sat down to work. ("Okay, Lord, I get the idea.") Looked up the lyrics to see what the Holy Spirit might be saying to me. Boils down to:

Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean

I've been in love with you.

Deeper than any forest primeval

I am in love with you.

Wow. I accept the message, Lord, and I receive Your love. Thank you. It means alot!

* * *

Dear Plix,

Thanks for your sweet affirmation.

* * *

Lindaleah,

You don't need to worry about me being brainwashed. I came to faith as an adult (after leaving behind the religious training I received as a child). I look for evidence and check multiple sources. Real Christianity consists of being in direct relationship with God, for:

They shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest.

- Hebrews 8:11

One of my biggest disappointments in the church is how the "only the pastor can speak" model betrays the above verse.[/SOAPBOX off] But would you believe I don't get as concerned about this sort of thing now that I recognize my place as a woman? Interesting how that works.

Grace and Lace (

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:47 pm http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/

tgfgnl.html) is an oasis of peace for Evangelical Christians struggling with gender issues. The writings there ring true. There are testimonies of those who have transitioned and maintained their faith.

* * *

Hi all,

Wondering how things are going to play out this Sunday (July 16th). Suppose it will be a matter of full disclosure to wife [again] and a plea for: (1) understanding love, not "tough" love, and (2) some disclosure to son. After all, I can't live with this stuff bottled in me. At the very least, it's dishonest. Started working on a disclosure letter since I communicate better in writing.

Been asking the Lord to reveal His will. His answer may not come with storm or trumpet blast, however. It may turn out to be as simple as wife barfing at the thought of staying married to me.

As of this morning, have started looking at death as the wrong way out. Been reading at BeginningLife.com how prevalent thoughts of death are among TS's. Many times, sisters relate how they hoped for death so they wouldn't have to deal with their gender issues. So why should I hope/pray for death when so many fellow sisters are struggling in the same way?

Terri

Hi all,

The shit has hit the fan. Wife and I had the *BIG DISCUSSION* and I am scum. We're talking year's separation with little chance of reconciliation. (I'd have to be "cured" for that to happen. Like I said, little chance.) Bear in mind: Wife's decision is based on the mere statement of my inner identity, not any contemplated actions. Wife simply can't handle

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 17, 2006 6:31 am the thought of being married to a female.

Guess I understand why the Lord was reassuring me with the Dan Fogelberg song earlier today. Indeed, it was as though the song permeated me at times, like water flowing through my spirit.

Got a lot to do: tell employer, write final newsletter to supporters, look for a job, look for an apartment, tell family.

So God has made His will known -- at least the part regarding my marriage.

I'm doing okay. Have come to learn that understanding isn't found outside TG/TS/gay circles. Plus, kind of suspected this would happen. God's reassurance sure helped and it came at the right time. Didn't even plan to have the discussion tonight.

Our boy? I'm not supposed to reveal anything -- or things could turn into a "real fight." I hurt for him, to have his dad taken away without any real explanation. THAT could do real damage.

Terri

Hi all,

Got a surreal feeling tonight: my prayers for death were answered in a way. Now that wife and I are separating and I'm heading far away, will be virtually dead to wife, child, in-laws, church, town, and job. I had wanted to die and, indeed, wouldn't have been able to continue with things as they were. At the same time, I feel some life returning. The sunset looked particularly nice tonight. Haven't noticed sunsets for awhile. I do hope to stay in touch with my son, but face-to-face visits won't be allowed.

Wife and I are cordial. She still loves me and doesn't want the name of her son's father to be tarnished.

Pondered the matter of transition today and am surprised how quickly my views have changed:

1. Hadn't felt at liberty to end my marriage for transition, but the marriage is ending for reasons outside my control. The mere statement of my inner feelings ("female inside") is too much for my wife. Can't lie well, so the marriage is kaput. That removes a major impediment.

2. Likened cross-gendering to disfigurement. If a person is truly cross-gendered, it only makes sense to let the damage be repaired instead of continuing the pain. What virtue is there in making a female carry around a veneer of manhood merely because she got stuck with a male body at birth? It only compounds the damage. Let the female spirit develop! I believe God sees it the same way.

3. A conservative, partial transition-for-pain-relief-only (like I had been considering) now rubs me the wrong way. Instead, applying the philosophy of #2, go all the way and proceed at the right pace (don't malinger).

Boy! Have my views changed or what? I just think it's evidence that my time has come. A verse came to mind this evening:

God makes all things beautiful in their time.

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Feel like my time has come. As Plix suggested would happen (see post 87

bryan (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 14, 2006 3:07 am (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=

56098&postcount=87)), God has provided what was needed when it was needed.

Hmmm... God gave me the short-term goal of living until July 15th. And here I am now with a clear ticket (i.e., clear conscience) to transition. Yes, I'm excited. And, yes, I know the road will be incredibly tough at times. But it appears to be the only way for me to continue living -- and that knowledge is breeding a certain confidence in me: "Make the best of it because there's no alternative. What have you got to lose? You've faced death already. You know you can't live the old way. And if you die trying, saves the trouble of finishing, thank God." I'm going to be running under His steam for this effort. Going to nurture the female soul that I am. Going to live.

I guess what has also helped is seeing I've already mentally transitioned to an extent. The thought of becoming an older male is foreign. I still can't picture myself as an aging female, but then I'm in transition, aren't I?

The members at BeginningLife.com have been a huge help. If any of you are dealing with TG issues, get an account there and learn all you can!

Talked with my sister in Philly today. She welcomed me with open arms -- gender issues and all -- so I'll probably be moving there. Figure I need the gender services a town like Philly can provide. (I'm assuming there are some competent gender therapists there.) Also, I'm looking forward to having a family to replace the one I'm losing.

It hasn't sunk in yet.

Terri

You may or may not be surprised to learn that I had a feeling things would turn out this way. Of course, nothing is final yet, but you seem to be headed in a direction that will allow you to become your true self. It is going to be an extremely difficult journey, and for some it brings back the same desires for death at times, but those who are meant to succeed will have the strength to stick it out.

I am sure you realize what you mentioned is a very major step and will cause irreversible alteration in your life. There are some TSs who never see their children again after starting transition. This usually is not the case, but all possibilities should be considered before starting down this path.

Whatever happens, I will be here to help however I can. Just let me know what you need

Hi all,

Guess what? Remember how the Lord reassured me with the Dan Fogelberg song on Tuesday? Same song popped into my head soon as I awoke today! Sweet reassurance AFTER the big decision. I have had peace about the decision to transition, and that reassurance is the icing on the cake.

Was touched by a quote in a Reader's Digest story where two men rescued a drowning man. When the pair later visited the rescuee in the hospital, one assured him, "You got another chance. Now you can do anything." That speaks of the confidence/boldness/optimism I was trying to explain in last night's post. A new lease on life. The old life failed; I had crashed and become dysfunctional. My old life has been put on the trashpile and I'm putting my efforts into the new me.

Now that I recognize myself as female (and feel validated by the Lord in that conclusion), seems like so many puzzle pieces of my life are beginning to fit. I haven't been a good disciplinarian, haven't been the leader of the household. Although I have a good relationship with my boy, it's more like friendship than father-son.

Wife and I just had a discussion. (NOTE: She doesn't know of the transition decision yet. She and her mom are holding out hope the marriage can be saved thru separation.) She challenged me about my plan to seek out gender therapists regardless of whether they are Christian or not. (Competent gender therapists are rare enough, but to find a Christian one supportive of transition? I won't hold my breath.) I didn't have a good response. Didn't want to spill the beans about transition at this fragile time. Something her mom suggested, and now makes sense to wife: I've never grown up. Yes, that would explain some things, particularly the things in the above paragraph. She said my relationship to our boy is that of a 'playmate.' In any case, our cover story will be that I've got emotional problems stemming from childhood, and it's not far from the truth.

Late last night as the transition decision was sinking in, one my first thoughts was, "Now I won't be shut out by the 'WOMEN' sign" (i.e, restrooms). Some tears came. I suppose there's been hurt in that area, since that is the definitive point where the men are separated from the ladies.

So happy that the hurts of the past, the unexplained LONGINGS, are finally going to be addressed.

* * *

Plix,

plix (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 13, 2006 1:25 pm I am sure you realize what you mentioned is a very major step and will cause irreversible alteration in your life.

Thanks for your response. I hear ya. But the confidence/optimism I'm feeling is the sort which enables one to burn bridges. After all, I got to witness my "crash" firsthand. I was trying to make things work, but it wasn't working. Death was the hoped-for solution. That sort of failure allows one to toss any notion of keeping the old life and focus on the new. There's no turning back. "Transition or bust."

Yes, part of me is scared. But, then, what have I got to lose?

Terri

Hi all,

........

bryan (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:04 pm Wife and I just had a discussion. (NOTE: She doesn't know of the transition decision yet. She and her mom are holding out hope the marriage can be saved thru separation.) She challenged me about my plan to seek out gender therapists regardless of whether they are Christian or not. (Competent gender therapists are rare enough, but to find a Christian one supportive of transition? I won't hold my breath.) I didn't have a good response. Didn't want to spill the beans about transition at this fragile time. Something her mom suggested, and now makes sense to wife: I've never grown up. Yes, that would explain some things, particularly the things in the above paragraph. She said my relationship to our boy is that of a 'playmate.' In any case, our cover story will be that I've got emotional problems stemming from childhood, and it's not far from the truth.

.......

TerriSorry to hear of your wife's decision not to support you. It would have been better for you if you could have had the support of her and your son. Not everyone is blessed with a spouse like EricaAnn. May God be with you during this time of great need. Please keep us posted.

ADDENDUM: Wife came in for more discussion. The more she examines my past behavior, the more she does see an emotional immaturity in me, a personality that never grew up. I have to agree. We speculated it may have to do with my father. He related to me as a "father" but not as a friend. I don't recall playful conversations without agendas; there was certainly an emotional distace. I burst into tears, wearily saying, "I'm not going to analyze it. I don't need ANOTHER problem to analyze." Anyway, it will be part of the discussion when I see the psychologist next week.

Contrary to my words, pondered emotional immaturity over lunch. You know what? Whereas my wife was hoping it was the cause of my cross-gendering, it seems to be the result instead. I didn't have roles to aspire to. In college when you are supposed to be making plans for the future, I remember tweezing nipple hairs; I was concerned about the appearance of my breasts, tiny as they were. Just as TGs can be disappointed by wrong-gender birthday/Christmas gifts, maybe I didn't see a male role worth aspiring to. I could be married to my friend, but wasn't a traditional husband or "head of household." Didn't see myself as a father-type, coach, manager/executive, community pillar, etc.

Wife was questioning (searchingly, not angrily) whether I ever had what it takes to be a father to our boy. He's had a playmate these 6 years but has lacked a true father. In-laws have noticed I'm not a disciplinarian. I nurture him verbally during inside play and conversations, but still haven't taught him (stretched him) to ride a two-wheeler. His throwing and catching skills are undeveloped. When I realized all this, started sobbing. After all, just how many ways can I be a failure?!

Both wife and I are questioning whether I 'd be able to take our boy out of young childhood. A boy is supposed to migrate from mother to father at some point, but I'm just his playmate. Maybe the timing of my "crash" fits into the wisdom and timing of God.

Terri

* * *

MORE ADDENDUM: But this is real hard. As wife and I go thru assets, we are remembering the Lord's words in Malachi: "I HATE DIVORCE." I've hated divorce all my years as a Christian, how it leaves the woman alone to cry, rejected. Sucky, fickle men leaving their wives. Yet what can I do? No wonder I was praying for death. Wife angrily jumped up and down on wedding dress and threw it in the garbage, saying, "No, I DON'T believe God ever brought us together!" This is all so very hard, and I'm the cause of it. As a female inside, I hate to be causing this much distress to a mother and child.

My mom is taking wife's side and telling me not to do anything 'irrational' (i.e., transition). Makes me realize how much I value her approval. She wondered if there'd be value in having my father talk to me, but that was a non-starter. (He doesn't know about any of this, including the castration.)

I am so glad that you have a religious preference and believe this to help guide you in your journey. But at the same time I also do remember that religious discussions on this board are unwanted by the moderater. Telling your story seems to be a wonderful thing and having a religious preference seems all that much more to help you but please tone down the discussion of religion here. I'm really glad you are searching for answers here

Terri, I can't imagine you to be the "cause" of all this distress. That's just not the person you are. The situation is causing everyone to feel pained. Try to think of it as one more of the trials of life we all have to endure in one way or another. Do care about yourself. We care about you. --FLO--

Uncle Flo said it all. It is this situation rather than you that is causing everyone's distress. Transition is difficult for everyone involved. It can be just as difficult or even more for the transitioning person's loved ones as it is for the transitioner herself. My grandmother was in tears on the phone when I told her of my desires. My 10 year-old sister did the same. My relationship with my brother has never been the same since I told him what I wanted. I knew what I had to lose going into this, and I did lose some of what I knew I could but not everything. But for everyone there comes a time in life when her own desires must take priority over the desires of those around her. You still are in a position when you could probably reconcile with your wife and have everything back the way it was. But is that what you want? Is this the time in your life when what you want is what you should do? Answer those questions according to what you feel is right and what you feel God wants you to do.