Earliest childhood memories: Best friend during ages 3-4 was the girl next door; bummed out when she moved away. Enjoyed playing with dolls; embarrassed when my dad brought it up in front of my friends. Before I knew better, told an older neighbor boy I'd rather be a girl; when he asked me about it a few years later, was embarrassed and tried to disown the remark. Felt loved and appreciated by parents and siblings; was recognized as the creative/artistic/brainy one in the family (left-handed, too).
Didn't have much interest in team sports, and that limited opportunities for friendship to an extent. Spent only 9 months in cub scouts before losing interest. My dad signed me up for little league against my wishes. Wasn't very competitive in anything. Swimming, music, reading, and watching TV were my favorite activities. Enjoyed super-hero comic books. An exception to team sports was playing 16-inch softball at recess with boys.
When I first heard about Christine Jorgenson, was curious and thought, "That would be neat."
Started cross-dressing before puberty (closet only), but can't nail down the exact age. Maybe 9?
Wanted to dress up as a female for Halloween one year (3rd grade?). Mom was a bit miffed and not very enthusiastic. Went as a female, but the results weren't convincing.
Something which doesn't fit the pattern: Played tackle on the school football team in grades 5-7. However, my parents remember me saying, "I don't want to hurt the other guys."
One of the high points in high school was participating in a volunteer group for mentally-handicapped children. The group was mixed (male/female) and offered the best social opportunities I've had.
Used girls' bathrooms a few times when I had the opportunity.
Fast-forwarding to adult life, functioned pretty well as a male, a horny one. My wife at the time was accepting, within limits. However, my kinkiness was the downfall to our marriage. I think she wanted someone more manly with fewer kinks. Can't blame her.
When I became Christian (age 30), I was able to put away the kinkiness. The longing for ladies' things never went away entirely, but it was manageable. The worst times were when a dream would awaken the desire.
Several years later, married my present wife. Was happy/relieved that plain ol' intercourse could satisfy. When we started discussing having children, told wife some of my background since it could be an issue.
After our son arrived five years later, started having 2-3 day "waves" of addictive sexual thoughts every now and then. Guess it was the stress of parenting and fewer bedroom opportunities. Tried aversion therapy to get rid of the appetites, but it backfired -- only made it worse.
HERE'S WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. When our son was four (last year), wife lost interest in sex due to menopause. Sexual frustration skyrocketed. Graciously tried abstinence. Wasn't workable. However, when she was dutiful, I felt like a boor on top of her. The 2-3 day "waves" turned into a 4-month nightmare. The female in me emerged and sided with my wife, but I didn't understand what was going on in me. Loathed my male equipment and started literally strangling it (until I read about the risk of blood clots). Dropped the pet name "Little Bryan" and started calling it "Mr. Penis." Male ego/pride vanished. Started identifying with females, and loathed the male libido. Felt bad that females (like my aunt) have to carefully plan trips at night to avoid risky places. Saddened by statistics that say 95% of sexual offenders behind bars are males. Desperately wanted to wear ladies underwear again. During masturbation, started imagining myself in a female role (and told myself, "This is getting REALLY WEIRD, Bryan"). Wondered what the h*ll was going on after so many years of "successful" living. Even told my wife, "One of the things I'm struggling with is I want to be a girl."
With my wife's approval/acceptance, got castrated by Dr. Kimmel in April this year. WHAT A RELIEF! Had a profound and wonderful effect, and I'm so grateful to him. Libido is gone. Female domination thoughts are gone. On a good day I can say, "Couldn't feel better than if I had a sex change!" Although the interest in ladies underwear is greatly diminished, the TG issues have remained. Been keeping body hair trimmed so the outside matches the inside better. A penectomy would be a treat, but can't justify the expense.
Took the COGIATI test when the Fraj started his thread on the subject. Got a 3 ("androgenous") like nearly everyone else here at EA. Was comforted by the test results that say, "Your gender issues are REAL." ("Good! So I'm not imagining all this.")
That brings us to the present. The "inside" me is more female than male. I have deeper emotions and cry easily. Wouldn't want to hurt a flea. Hate the thought of war. Big fan of cuddling, and would like to be the one held. More concerned with personal appearance, and would like to pick out some of our household linens. Greatest TG desire at this point would be to socialize with females as a peer. Even had some maternal feelings recently. (Never expected to have those in a million years!) Gives me plenty of empathy for women who can't conceive. No plans to transition, so I'll be awkward socially. (Not a fan of sports, guns, cars/motorcycles, etc.)
Although I'm content most of the time, there are low times: sadness at unattainable things (alluded to above). Sadness that, although I've done everything in my power to overcome, including castration, the gender issues remain. This link (TG-friendly, by the way)
http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/mistakes.html
had me bawling my eyes out, especially the part where it says:
"Many transgendered Christians have been so destroyed by their inability to conform to the world's (and the church's) image of being the male or female they are supposed to be, that they have been drawn into drugs, alcohol and even sex addictions. Amazingly, these same people have later testified to being miraculously delivered from these overpowering sins- literally being healed on the spot in response to prayer. Yet the one thing that God did not appear to grant them is divine healing from the cause of their problems in the first place, their gender identity conflict."
Bryan
P.S. Feel like I need one of those stickers you get after donating blood: "Be nice to me: I gave blood." My guts are lying on the floor and could be walked on very easily.
(blush)
) We'll see how things go. Prayers are appreciated.
Good luck!